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For some reason, my thoughts aren't bothering me as much anymore and it's scaring me. I don't want to do those things, but why aren't they bother my? is this a good or bad thing?

I’ve been struggling with intense shame and guilt brought on by obsessions of whether or not I’m a decent friend, a decent person, if I’m doing things right, and whether or not I’m making a positive impact on society. Any time I do something that causes harm or that I perceive may cause harm or if I’m in the room where someone is causing harm I get extremely anxious about the repercussions and what it means for the course of my entire life. I’ve always believed in karma and how people get what energy they put out into the world, and it makes me fear causing anyone unintentional harm, so I go out of my way to be as aware and proactive of reducing harm to people and communities as possible. I’m getting extremely burnt out and almost never have energy or find time to do something that I enjoy, because it feels like I’m doing it at the expense of others. I feel like I’m constantly anticipating bad things to happen and people to be angry at my existence or responses to everything. I’m not terrified of criticism but I am terrified of people viewing me as a bad person, as annoying, as gross, as a disturbed human being, etc. I welcome criticism,but I’m terrified of other people’s perceptions of me and abandoning me because of it. I’m a trans man and it’s all exacerbated by anti-trans rhetoric and stigma against gay men and anything having to do with sexuality. It also manifests as racialized OCD. I am white and very privileged, but I try to be aware and diligent about learning about and acknowledging my biases and privileges and actively working to change them. However, my fears and anxieties about messing up and causing harm often overwhelm me and make it very difficult to make consistent and empathetic efforts without being consumed by anxiety and intrusive thoughts. My brain exhausts me and keeps me from establishing deep and meaningful connections with people of color. I don’t ever want to overwhelm my friends by sharing this intense fear, but not being honest about it probably isn’t helping us understand each other better at all. It makes me so sad and I feel like a failure.

I’m being haunted by something that happened in my relationship about 2 years ago. It’s worse than any event I’ve read here, so I understand if I cause disgust in this community by contributing some of my obsessing about this event to my OCD. Basically, I went through some struggles with alcohol a little while back, and this started as a result of me struggling to cope with a different horrible event that I caused. I was drinking excessively and often in secret. I’m not sure how much of a factor the alcohol plays in this event, so maybe it’s not even worth mentioning. Around the same time, my girlfriend came to me and told me that she thought that she might be transgender (MTF). When she initially came to me about this, she wasn’t really certain, and although I was a bit shocked I was very supportive of her. She started therapy to work out these feelings, and while I went through my own struggles and worries about this new information, we were actually doing pretty well. Until one night when she had therapy. I had been drinking that day, but I don’t remember the amount or how intoxicated I actually was. I would usually wear headphones when she was in her sessions (they were telehealth), but for some reason this time I made one of the worst mistakes of my entire life. I listened in on parts of her session from the other side of the door. I think I even stopped and came back to hear more. I don’t remember exactly how this came about. I think I passed by and heard her talking about me and my curiosity/lack of morals got the best of me. I heard her talking about me for a bit, but I also heard her say that she was now very sure she was trans. I didn’t know this (nor did I have any right to know this), and in my selfish, intoxicated, and mentally ill state, I went to the couch and had a bit of a breakdown. I don’t remember how long I eavesdropped on her. It could have been anywhere from 4-15 minutes. Any amount of time is too much. I am horrified by what I did to this day, and every time I think about it it sends me into a total spiral. When she was done with her session, I asked her leading questions about how sure she was that she was trans (so not only did I betray her trust, but I had the gall to question her about a part of what I had heard). She told me that she was absolutely sure. I went into a state of bargaining and disbelief, trying to be accepting and kind while also panicking about this change and what it meant for our relationship. I kept asking if she was sure, almost hoping that I could get her to think about it more before deciding. Horrible. Then out of guilt and horror over my actions, I quickly confessed to her that I had eavesdropped on a portion of her session. I think I minimized how long I had listened at first, but I corrected myself on that as well (I don’t remember how quickly though). She was understandably upset and disappointed, but not nearly as much as she had the right to be. She should have screamed at me and probably left my ass. But she still remained kind to me and we talked about the importance of me respecting her privacy during her future sessions. She went to take a bath, and I was so overcome with shame and self hatred for what I’d done that I ended up self-harming. I didn’t mean for this to be manipulative, but it was yet another horrible choice made based on my impulsivity. I ended up confessing this to her as well, not for her to take care of me, but because it was a bit more severe than I intended and I felt so guilty for having the audacity to hurt myself after everything I’d done. And that’s about where the event ends. It’s been about 2 years, and I still can’t believe that I have done something so horrifically disrespectful. We’ve talked about it so many times, and somehow she forgives me and it no longer bothers her. I have put myself in her shoes, and I would be so upset if someone did to me what I did to her. I ruminate over the details, google similar events and read peoples feelings about what I’ve done, try to remember exactly how long I eavesdropped for, what I heard, if I downplayed anything else when I confessed, and try to remember how intoxicated I was (which doesn’t matter at all). I always feel the need to confess more and to repeatedly bring this event up and apologize/ask how she feels about it (or if there’s anything I can do to help her heal). I take so many precautions now to make sure that my girlfriend feels 100% safe and secure in therapy. I have never done this again, I’ve discussed my actions in my own therapy, and I always leave the house for the entire duration of her sessions (even though she says she trusts me to wear headphones). I initiate conversations about what I did, how it made her feel, and if there is anything else I can do to show how sorry I am and guarantee her emotional safety. I consider what I did emotional abuse even though she doesn’t. She thinks that the event was bad, but my OCD is exaggerating my guilt and shame. I disagree. What I did was truly monstrous and how I feel as a result is the only way any sane person would feel after doing something like that. What I’m struggling with is accepting her forgiveness, kindness, and her desire for me to try and move on. I’ve read that what I did is a dealbreaker, and I can’t disagree. How are you supposed to accept such incredible kindness and acceptance from someone you have betrayed so severely? How am I supposed to feel like it’s ok for me to accept her love and continue our relationship despite what I’ve done?Especially when you have a pattern of horrible, disrespectful behavior? For some reason she still loves and wants me, and I don’t want to take away any more of her agency to make her own decisions about her life. I love her more than anything. She feels unheard when I talk about how I’m worried she shouldn’t forgive me, that I’m an abuser and she deserves someone who would never think of doing such a thing to her. I feel like it doesn’t matter how much therapy I get or how much work I do to change. My life feels like one long series of irredeemable actions. I’m sorry for the long post. I needed to get this off my chest. I understand that this is unacceptable and probably not even OCD related. I understand that most people would hate me for this (trust me, I hate myself a lot) and that I don’t deserve to still have such a loving relationship with this person. I just need help figuring out how to live with myself. Thank you for reading, and I’m so sorry to anyone who’s suffered because of pieces of shit like me.

I took my license picture at the DMV yesterday. And since I was a child, I’ve prided myself on having a nice ID picture since I know people say it’s rare and I like to be annoyingly special. Well, the last time I was at the DMV, the clerk was obviously floating with me so he allowed me to retake my picture like 3 times. That was over 5 years ago so when I went to get my picture renewed, I was thinking about how I got to retake it a bunch last time. I just knew I wanted it to look good. When it came time to take the photo, they didn’t even have my look into the camera but at a sticky note that had a smiley face on it. Already, I started to feel uncomfortable because I wasn’t looking at a camera so how could my picture, eyes, smile, and head all be centered in the box??? It couldn’t be possible. As these thoughts spiraled through my mind, I tried my best to smile and it was all over in 3 seconds. I should have just left it at that. But as I was leaving, I turned to look at the monitor and I saw my picture. My head was NOT centered. And my face was turned at a weird angle that I was NOT intending. The only good thing I noticed were that my cheekbones look nice. And now I have to have this picture on my license for 5 years… I know that I’ll eventually be able to look at it, and even accept it. But right now, it feels like an itchy caving hole in my chest. Like the world is going to end because my license picture isn’t formatted perfectly. I’m sad that the picture is off and also shaming myself for feeling this way. UGH

does anyone here also struggle with sexuality ocd as a queer individual? i’ve mostly seen people talk about it from a heterosexual perspective but i haven’t seen or heard much from those who identify as queer or lgbtq and such. i’ve struggled with comphet (compulsive heterosexuality) since i was a kid however have always been confident from a young age that my attraction and desire in romantic relationships is exclusive to women even after trying to like & date men. though, recently, i’ve been having so many intrusive thoughts about the men i’ve interacted with. i am okay with male friendships however the thought of being with a man repulses me and makes me nauseous. i keep going back and forth in my head to “check” how i feel by forcing myself to think about situations that include men. it is becoming incredibly exhausting and i wish it would just go away. i just want to know i’m not alone

Hello, this is my first time posting! I just want to reflect on how cruel and unfair OCD is. It’s so hard to tell where OCD ends and where you begin, and vice versa. Anything and everything can become a compulsion, and there’s no real way to know without falling into a trap. I honestly thought I was just being responsible and aware before finding out it’s all been ruminating and mental compulsions my entire life. Breaking away from the pattern of Pure-OCD is brutal, but necessary to get my life back. Anyone else feel this way?

So, recently I’ve started looking into OCD. My partner thinks I could have it, and I used to think it was always just a cleaning thing or being a little particular. I talked to my partner recently about these intense intrusive thoughts and I guess compulsions(?) that need to be done or else things would feel bad. That’s obviously simplified, I don’t really want to get into full detail since I’m still real uncomfortable with it? I don’t know, I’m worried that I don’t actually have OCD and I’m just using that name with something that’s not that? When/how did some of you realize you have OCD?

I'll be 31 this year and I'm such a complete failure as a human being. I just had a breakdown over doing dishes. I have four specific cups that I use and normally I try to wash all of them at once, it really reassures me knowing I have three backup cups in case the one I'm using gets "dirty". Lately, though, I've only been able to wash one at a time and that causes a lot of stress only having one usable cup because if it gets dirty I have to spend the next half hour washing it, my hands, etc. Well tonight my cup got "dirty" and I thought everyone was asleep so I thought I'd try to wash them all. I don't like doing it when people are awake because it takes so long, I have to do it in a specific way and I'm embarrassed by it all. So I started and I was really struggling. I kept having to rewash and rewash because the bubbles just wouldn't go away and then my mom came into the kitchen and we were talking. My anxiety spiked because I was afraid she'd mention how long I'm taking or try to rearrange my cups or touch my arm and I just felt like a horrible person thinking these tboughts when all she's doing is talking to me but it just makes an already really stressful situation even more so. Then she left. I got two done, so I was half way through and then I thought the next cup was clean and I put it into the stack of clean ones but then I noticed it still had bubbles and now I had to start all the way over again. I wanted to cry and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I just wanted to be done and get something to drink and lay down. I tried starting over but my mom came back and I just couldn't deal with it so I quit and she smiled at me and said "finally done?" She knows and tries to understand how much I struggle and tries her best to help me and I love her so much for that and I'm so awful for feeling more anxious around her and having thoughts of just wanting to be left alone. She looked so proud of me, thinking I finally got done with my stupid little task and I just couldn't handle knowing how much of a disappointment I am and I started crying. She hugged me and offered to clean my cups for me and I wish I could let her but I can't. My OCD won't let me. Only I can clean my cups. My OCD isolates me and makes me feel so alone. I need help but I can't have any. And just facing the realization that I'm having a breakdown at 1am in the kitchen over not being able to clean cups properly just made me want to die so bad. Every little victory I have doesn't mean anything because I'll never get better. I lost so much time, I'm old and I don't know how to be an adult or take care of myself and I don't know what to do anymore. I hate myself.

this is going to be a strange post but bear with me!!!!!!!! a therapist i had once suggested looking at my ocd/intrusive thoughts as being in a car with some weird guy in the back who says all the upsetting ocd stuff. theyre back there and are annoying or offputting BUT ultimately you are driving and can just ignore the weird guy and remind yourself YOURE the one driving, basically. does anyone else personify their ocd thoughts/impulses/fears/etc? if you do, do you get along with this personified guy? or do you argue, or ignore, or shame it? i am currently in the camp of "i hate that guy and he scares me so i dont want to socialize with him" hahahaha. but i wonder, would being curious or empathetic towards the guy maybe help him chill out? i wanna know if anyone else has a personified relationship with their ocd too, and how you treat this personification. :) much love ☺️🌈✨🌷

So much has happened this morning but this one has still been bothering me since yesterday and I’m really terrified by the thought or “memory” and I could really use some help- I’ve been having a really random false memory about me and my last ex it’s been almost 3 years now since we broke up (I just turned 17. I’m almost 19 now-) I haven’t really been wanting to date anyone because of my mental state so- The “memory” I keep having is when we decided to do intimate things together. We were long distance so yeah-phones-I don’t how it led to this happening but my brain to telling me I must’ve some how forced them to do things or made them feel obligated to do so. Because I remember it was me who began that sort of thing-I really really remember me asking “can I?” And I remember them giving me consent to continue then the next day we talked about our feelings and how we trusted each other to continue to do these things together but my brain is really latching onto this memory because I can’t remember how we got to that point that night and I feel dirty. I remember the tension and whatever- but Whenever we’d do those things together it was always with permission, we texted about it and we talked about it frequently. I already have issues pertaining to these things and this is making it worse since my thoughts are trying to convince me I’m some sort of assaulter. (I’ve realized that I’m asexual/on the aro spectrum) what do I do to combat these thoughts? I loved my ex and even though we don’t talk anymore I still care for them and hope they’re doing well I would never forgive myself if I did something to mentally scar them. (Side note: my ex never did anything to me or anything like that. This isn’t related as to why we broke up we were with each other for 3 yrs)

Hello! I am in a fairly new relationship (5 months) and I’m starting to struggle with Relationship OCD (I think?) I have begun to constantly question my feelings for this person (ex. do I love them enough, are they good enough, do I even like them) even though we have never had any major problems and I genuinely enjoy spending time with them. However, these thoughts have become so encompassing that I no longer feel able to connect to my real feelings for this person, which then makes the thoughts stronger. I will be discussing this with my therapist tomorrow but wanted to see if anyone here has had a similar experience. Thanks in advance!

How do I not shut down and go quiet and cry when my partner is trying to have an uncomfortable conversation with me is anyone else dealing or dealt with this ?

so, i wake up every morning feeling anxious and like i need to start ruminating. it’s like that feeling when your thoughts are jumbled and immediately start to race the second you get up. for me lately my focus has been on my rocd per my latest post. i feel like ill settle into the fact and idea that i love my girlfriend, that i like her and that i want to be in the relationship blah blah but the second i wake up the loop of doubt continues. it obviously makes me feel like im lying to myself. that im convincing myself that i have basic feelings of attraction and connection to my partner, at this point the thoughts are so loud that im beginning to believe them. it feels so hard to access my true feelings and beliefs and when i do it just feels like i have to try so so hard and that i dont even believe it! i feel like im struggling to let her in. we had a really good conversation about my rocd last night, but i still worry about being a liar, secretly just staying in the relationship and not being attracted! ugh!! you can imagine this makes me feel like i dont even have rocd or ocd. the thought/compulsion of even breaking up with her comes to mind, but i know i would just feel unhappy and think about her then too. i dont want to do that obviously but those with rocd know sometimes it feels like the only way out. (we’ve broken up before because of this) which def adds a level. though i know doing that would alleviate this anxiety/ocd source, it would just come back and form itself in different ocd themes until i got back into a relationship and then the whole loop would start over. Does anyone have any advice for how you cope with this? I do my exposures and try to accept my uncertainty and thoughts but i’m wondering if any other methods that help anyone get through these struggles.

I realized recently my intrusive thoughts have been adapting to be “more realistic”. I’ve now become more obsessed with my life safety, work social environment, and first true love? (Apparently I’m demiromantic and he really feels like my soulmate. I’m the one not letting us be a couple for, I think a good reason, and he respects that decision.) Point is they’re getting harder to ID as OCD, which although never stopped the intrusive thoughts, it helped me apply personal tactics I’ve learned that have alleviated some distress and prevent thought spiraling in the past. Is it possible for the thoughts to adapt like this, I can’t ID them as quick this way and get in thought spirals way too far before I realize what’s happening. I even had a spout of my classical religious OCD thoughts, began repetitively praying “Jesus” to block them out which I’m sure is a compulsion. I ended up effectively distracting myself from it, so thank God. I don’t want to go down that road again. Avoidance has been the main compulsion for the ones listed before that side tangent above, I literally was not going to my apartment for months because a neighbor had creeped me out so bad. I sorta overcame avoidance with the relationship to truthfully talk to my love, but I worry my reason for staying apart has a secret reason in this… idk. It seemed reasonable to us both? The thoughts started targeting the guy I love even more yesterday, and I knew trying to fight them would make them worse, but I really didn’t want them anywhere near that. Somehow I got to a point where instead of the worries, I could literally feel nothing. Nothing bad but also nothing good and I thought I broke my brain and almost called a mental health hotline because I was concerned I lost my emotions forever and I wanted them all back. Even the negative ones. Luckily I had the awareness to at least try the emergency anxiety medicine my doctor gave me (even though I couldn’t feel anxiety), and I think this is what broke me out of that. But now I’m worried I’ll trigger that again. I hesitate to self diagnose, but given my experience and past, I definitely have primarily obsessional OCD (pure O). I couldn’t tell any of the mental health professionals I saw before because I thought I was the only one like this and that if I said anything about the worse thoughts they’d take me away from family or… well that they would do something, disgusted by my very existence. For a while my mom was the only one I let hear some of the worse thoughts and I swore her to secrecy about them. Luckily she had experienced some intrusive thoughts (not to my level but) with her GAD and she understood enough these were distressing things I didn’t want. But yea, I’ve been through a slew of the themes in my life. My biggest being religious OCD and OCD with sexual themes (I am aroace so the lack of sexual desire was very confusing, especially at first, and I didn’t know I was or that people could be that, so I guess my core worry became that my other forms of love ie familial, friend, etc had been secretly perverted and corrupted the whole time) Ugh.

hey all, this past week has definitely been a struggle for me with rocd. i’m constantly in my head and looping. i have a fear that i don’t actually like my partner and that ive been trying to convince myself that i do and that i am connected to her. this isn’t the first time this has come up, but i feel so disconnected and numb sometimes when we hang out and i know that’s a symptom, but it just feels so real. i feel like this is preventing me from being really present in the relationship and that im just convincing myself that i want to be with her. i feel sad that this halle s for me and guilty for my partner. i don’t know how i can decipher this and how to go from here. i feel like i need to figure it out and deal with it but i don’t know how to! any advice?

Hey guys so I’m new to this. I struggle really bad with religious ocd on top of other themes of ocd i have. But the religious ocd and POCD I have are definitely the hardest two. Today was so hard for me because I was freaking out all day about the eclipse and if it was the end of the world. I grew of in a very strict church and being gay was not acceptable so now I feel I’m morally wrong and unlovable in a sense. I don’t really know how to explain it. Wether it was from my youth pastor outing me on stage in front of all of my friends and hundreds of students, to them praying over me for years on end, before I finally left the church. Yet I still question if my salvation is safe or not. I question if God loves me etc. it gets so bad that I’m convinced everything I do is because I’m possessed by a demon. And I’ll start to vomit. Literally vomit. It sounds wild I know. Wether it’s music my ocd deems demonic or movies or spiritual things such as tarot cards that I enjoy. But my mind will convince me if I use them I will go to hell because that’s what I was taught for so long. I just wish I could get better but I don’t know how and I’m so hopeless.

I put too much on my plate. Im working full time night shift, a full time hybrid student, and doing clinical rotations all in the midst of buying a house and adding a third to my long term relationship. i thought i could handle it. i thought that if i wanted this enough that i could make it work but now i feel like my brain is on fire. Working nights has me so paranoid that i have to count my steps out 1-2-3-4 and sometimes feel completely glued to my seat counting 1-2-3-4 over and over to get the feeling of dread to go away. I am constantly ruminating and reassurance seeking to the point of breaking down every time i’m alone. My brain is full of all of the what-ifs so full that it’s hard to sleep. I had my first appointment with a specialist but due to everything going on, i fell asleep while waiting for the appointment to start (Telehealth) Before all of this started my OCD was just the counting steps and bouts of contamination fears and over cleaning but now im questioning my life over and over to point of pointlessness and its driving me insane. i cant do this. i will because i know i have to and it will be over soon but im so scared and i dont know how i can come out of all of this okay and intact with the people i love still around me. i hate who i have become.

Worried that I’m gonna speak negativity into existence after seeing a video on tiktok saying that you speak things into existence. Dude I hate this so much. I hate this so much.

DROP SOME COPING MECHANISMS FOR ME TO TRY :3!!

does anyone have any tips on managing and controlling this? especially if you have said questionable things in the past or as a kid. A long 13 yr friendship of mine is ending and the ex friend really despises me.I can’t help but obsess and ruminate over what I could have possible done wrong even though they’re the one who said hateful things to me. I can’t help but wonder about all past friendships and ex friendships and whether it’s tied to me being a good/bad person. Does anyone have any advice on managing this? I try to reflect on different friendships and why it ended but still end up ruminating on my morality and self. Thank you ❤️