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I'm 32 and was diagnosed a few weeks ago. It's been really hard to accept how much of my life has been affected negatively by OCD and the paranoia and anxiety that comes from it. Just sad about it.

Hi all, A week ago, my dismissive avoidant boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me after a stupid argument. We started dating in August 2020, adopted a dog in February 2023, and moved in together in May 2023. We were each other’s first *everything*. We are both fully integrated into each other’s lives through family, mutual friends, and years of commitment. Not to mention our dog whom we both love like a child. For the past couple of months, I have been dealing with relationship OCD that turned into self harm OCD and the support I needed from him ended up being too much. His reasoning for breaking up was “it’s not you, it’s me” and that he is not “emotionally mature” enough to cope with his own stress and be there for me while I process mine. He has a very physically demanding job (construction) where his dad is his boss. This dynamic creates a high pressure environment that he feels like he can’t escape. When he gets home from work each day, he wants to unwind and not have to think about anything serious (through golf, video games, gym). But with me in therapy and also going through a hard time, I asked him to be home with me more to comfort me and take my mind of my anxiety. This required a sacrifice of the typical things he turns to to de-stress. Keep in mind that I was also very mindful to give him space to do the things he wanted, he just couldn’t keep doing them all night after work. Throughout the past couple of months I have expressed time and time again that while, yes, I am going through something hard, that doesn’t diminish his pain or his problems. I’ve always asked him to open up to me and let his problems be my burden too. But because of his trauma repsonse to suppress negative emotions, he never takes me up on the offer. So now, 4 years of (what I thought) would be the rest of my life with him is gone. He has emotionally shut down and told me that there is no room for a break or to try couples therapy or to try anything other than breaking up. He keeps saying he needs to work on himself and figure out why he can’t give me what I deserve. He says he can’t commit to me now, doesn’t want me to wait either, and yet is still saying that there is a chance I am in his future. I have a hard time accepting that as an adequate explanation. If anyone reading this is anxiously attached and has been through a long term relationship break up with a dismissive avoidant, please offer some hope, closure, or advice to me. I am currently feeling numb and like nothing about my situation is in my control. If this is not about me and this is truly about him, then why is he not willing to do the work on himself together, as a team. How is throwing away 4 years of a loving, amazing relationship easier than confronting his core issues with commitment and emotional maturity? Please riddle me that!

My symptoms have been getting worse the last few days and it flat out feels now like I’ve become this person and want to cause harm to my loved ones. Like I’m just resisting it. My brain is giving me sensations like I like that and makes me sad at the same time. I can’t tell if it’s anxiety or what or if this is what I want. When this started I knew I never wanted to hurt anyone and these thoughts were intrusive. Now they feel like they’ve become me. Please help.

I’ve been really struggling with urges, a constant numb feeling to everything that feels like I don’t care about things (like my beloved dog) who were the most important to me, and this dizzying pressure in my head that feels like it’s attached to the urges and I can’t think straight or control my own actions. But I’m also scared that since the thoughts are literally constant (they flip around to anything and everything then go back to their greatest hits) and I’m feeling like I wouldn’t care if I did them, they’re not intrusive anymore. Am I losing it? Having harm OCD I never thought could make you feel like you’re actually going to act. Not just be afraid of it.

All day today I keep getting this image popping into my head of myself slicing my dog with a knife and it keeps giving me this weird feeling that I want to/have to do it. Like it keeps popping into my head when I try to relax and ACTUALLY making me think I’ll act on it. Is this still ocd?? It feels like it would be satisfied if I did it. I hate this. I’m so scared. I had to do ERP with a knife today and it actually felt like I was holding myself back from just doing it. This is not possibly normal.

Hi friends! I am someone who struggles with general OCD but have recently come to question if it is more specific to my relationship(s). In my heart, I feel that I am currently in the most loving, fulfilling and safe relationship that I have ever been in but lately things have been rocky. I find myself questioning a lot. Examples being: Is he really the one for me? What if I am missing out on something even better? Am I actually happy or am I lying to myself? Is this relationship doomed/am I doomed to be miserable in the future due to our age difference (met at 25 & 32, currently 27 & 35) I find myself trying to pick him apart more often than not lately, almost as though I am looking for something to fixate on in attempt to reassure myself of some of my already negative thoughts? I’m just curious if anyone out there that struggles with ROCD finds any similarities to the thoughts I am having? Sending love!

Hey everyone. I could really use some advice. I finally hit what seems to be rock bottom today. This constant, horrible urge to hurt my puppy. It’s everything. And it feels like I really don’t care. I have no emotions. I can’t think straight. I’m holding myself back from actually doing something because I know deep down in my heart that’s not me. It’s a physically paralyzing feeling that feels like I want it. I don’t know what the difference is between this and someone who’s actually dangerous and losing it. Everytime I look at her it feels like I have a flashback in my head or something and I see a movie/get an urge to just do it. It feels like I have to even though I don’t want to. But at the same time it’s like I don’t care. I hate this. I valued my dog’s life so much. And I loved her so much. Now I feel nothing. I don’t understand. I’m going to give her to a family member later and probably check myself into a psych hospital. It may be the last time I ever see her but I don’t think there’s another option.

Five years ago I met my fiancé and fell in love. At the time, I was a complete degenerate dating multiple women, but was looking for an opportunity to throw away that old way of living. After some months she said "I feel weird not calling you my boyfriend". This, In my mind was her saying she wants to be exclusive. I can't remember if this was the weekend after or if it was a weekend before but I think it was the weekend after: Someone who I never met, barely knew, found on Tinder from years ago, and whom I very rarely texted, texted me late at night and kept trying to steer the conversation in a sexual direction. I initially replied with short, generic responses. This worked for a little while until there was one one moment I remember where she said, "I wish you were here right now" and I said "Me too". I know you won't believe me, but in the moment I completely forgot I was then very recently supposed to be in a committed relationship. I messaged her afterwards and told her that I loved (Fiancé's name) and told her not to talk to me ever again. It was after that where I couldn't live with myself and reached out to my OCD therapist. This was almost 5 years ago. He related it to pornography and those old classified ads in the newspapers where you would call them up and pay by the minute. He said I did the right thing and told me to just never talk to her again and to move forward. I never did anything like that ever again, and I am marrying her in less than two months. Part of me doesn't want to hurt her feelings for no reason so close to our date, the other OCD part of me wants to confess. Any advice?

My problem is wrong coding, and perception. My subconscious mind get into wrong perception. I cannot calm my amygdala. Before this I can easily calm my mind. But I can not do it anymore. I do not know what to do. I am thinking of how to die everyday please help me

Hi everyone. I already went to the psych ward last month for the first time for four days for reasons unrelated to OCD. Now, I’m having my first ever major OCD episode/flareup/? and if you recognize me you already know my issue. I’m having weird sexual thoughts about my parents. Not really any way to sugarcoat it. Also with some harm OCD sprinkled in. I’m currently in a 6 day per week outpatient program and I’m considering telling them I’m really losing my mind. They might drug me up, throw me in inpatient again (have no idea how helpful that would be lol) and I just don’t see a positive future for me. Does anyone have any words of encouragement, or could possibly connect with me? This might be dramatic, but on top of my anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, this might be too much for me. Genuinely.

I just realized last week that I'm pretty sure I'm going through a mid-life crisis. I turn 39 next week, but I still feel in my mind that I'm in my early 20's. What I see as my issues that point to a mid-life crisis is being depressed, irritable, always wanting change (especially in moving), having regrets about the past, being bored all the time, wanting to be impulsive, being nostalgic about what I view as my past life, feeling unfulfilled, and comparing myself to others and being envious of others, usually those younger than me. I'm confused because I feel all of this and at the same time my ROCD popped up again last week after 15 years being dormant (for the most part). I can't tell what thoughts I have are real or irrational. I honestly think it's a mix of both and that's what really scares me. I tend to be very anxious in relationships, and my marriage is no different. Because of this I think a lot about how I didn't have that anxiety when I was single and life seemed easier for me. It's hard to say that out loud. I struggle with comparing my relationship to others as well as comparing my attraction to my wife with how I feel attracted to other women. I've always been the most attracted to other parts of my wife than physical qualities which makes it all so much more confusing. The guilt is unbearable. Is it mid-life crisis, ROCD, both, neither...? Sometimes I just feel so confused and it doesn't seem real. Being almost 40 and feeling like you have no idea what you're feeling is really scary.

I’m looking for some help with this, of course OCD themes switch and lately it really is about harming others through contamination. Every time I touch something almost I have constant thoughts “if I don’t do this this means I want to hurt my family or loves one” but the thought feels so real like I want to do it, but obviously I don’t and gives me so much anxiety. Last couple months I was really spending a lot of time washing my hand from counting but now it’s got to the point that I can’t do anything without having thoughts that if I don’t clean or wash myself it means I want to get someone sick. It’s scary and I’m trying to not engage into the thoughts but they keep popping up. Any tips with harm contamination OCD and reducing these crazy thoughts? It almost feels like I want to have these thoughts but really they scare me if that’s makes sense? Any help would be awesome, thanks!!

I’m so scared. I don’t even know who to talk to at this point. I started having sexual OCD thoughts recently about people that I don’t want to and I’m terrified. I recently had a psych ward stay (voluntary) for a very stressful life event and now I have this. I’m currently staying with my parents while I go through an outpatient program and they have no idea about the OCD. I live in Ohio. I’m afraid I’ll have to go inpatient again. I’m unemployed and currently am on Medicaid but have a lot of savings from lucky investments. I can’t get a NOCD therapist because I’m on Medicaid and also because I’m in an outpatient program. I’m afraid I’m too far gone and crazy now. I’m just laying in my bedroom at my parents’ house and crying. I don’t know what to do.

I’m in dialysis (like rn) and there was blood on the corner of the bed that they hadn’t cleaned up. I told them and they cleaned it up and put the sheet back but now I’m thinking about what else isn’t clean enough and will it kill me and even if doesn’t am I surrounded by germs? And all of this is making the world too loud and everything smells too much. And I don’t want to touch anything

Last year, I dealt with horrid panic attacks constantly worrying I had HIV. A test disproved that and with therapy and the test results I managed to calm. Now again, the same time as last year, another disease drives me insane. Rabies. I haven’t even had contact with possibly rabid animals. I feed a stray but he is obviously not rabid nor do I touch him. I worry a bat unknowingly bit me and now I have rabies and I’m dying. I’m hyper aware of my body. The worry comes and goes but I’m having panic attacks all over again and constantly having to look at reasons why I don’t have it. I don’t even have bats in my house to my knowledge I’ve never even seen one but I’m becoming exhausted. My throat feels tight , I’m tired, I panic nightly, I observe my body so much, every sensation. I’m miserable. I need help and support badly.

The harm thoughts about my dog have gotten very very bad tonight, and it picked a new theme. I’m INTENSELY afraid of the kitchen range and have this horrible urge feeling that I will put her on it. It keeps coming into my head every few seconds. I try to relax and it’s like “you’ll do this” feeling with that image. Or the “you have to do this”. I’m extra scared because I feel numb to her and I feel like I have to keep reminding myself why I wouldn’t do something so horrible. Has anyone else been here??? My body has this awful anxiety urge feeling and my legs are shaking, head feels weird, etc. I hate this. It feels like I would be okay with doing something so horrible. And when the thought plays out in my head it’s like my brain runs away with it. Please tell me I’m not alone. Is this normal? Should I send my dog somewhere else till this passes??? I tell myself you wouldn’t do that but it feels like a lie.

So awhile back my handwashing was purely just washing over and over until it felt right, this came from covid. Last year I started counting and then I’ve been obsessed about counting when washing certain numbers were good and certain numbers were bad which is ridiculous and I know which I’m slowly getting over that. Lately it’s about if I don’t wash my hands a certain amount of time that means I want to get my loved ones sick. It’s like a get a thought as soon as I’m almost done and it feels so real like I want to which again isn’t true. It’s keeps coming up and now it’s all about getting others sick or wanting to get them sick. Is this just OCD, any help would be awesome! Thank you!

I wanted to actually take the time to post this. I promised myself that if my meds started working I would write on here to encourage others to take their meds and do therapy. I spent so many days crying over thoughts that I can see now are not true. I still have moments of overthinking and worrying but that’s normal for people like us and people in general. It’s almost like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now instead of seeing only darkness. I have come so far from a few months ago even a year ago or when I first developed these ocd symptoms. I took a dna gene test which was like $200 but well worth it to determine what meds work best for my build up, the one I had been on and off taking from fears around meds was one of two that are meant to “work”. So I started up again on 10mg of Lexapro, slowly going up to 20mg, now at 30mg since the last few days. It’s been well over a month probably atleast 6 weeks. I definately noticed when I first took it on and off that I felt a slight difference but thought it was placebo. So I gave it a shot and have been so good with taking them at the right times too mostly. GIVE IT TIME!!! If a med is right for you it will work. You have to believe that though, even if it’s only a tiny part of yourself that can believe it may work… be realistic, it’s not going to just remove the thoughts entirely because we have a very complex disorder, but I do believe I will fully recover. I’ve also been seeing an ocd therapist, who helps me but I also judge for myself what exposures I feel ready for and also still can give into compulsions at times, and I also won’t do things that therapists say that I feel aren’t right for me, find what works for you! They’re just meant to guide you, but recovery is DIFFERENT for everyone. Just because something works for someone else doesn’t mean it will for you. I honestly find the thoughts less “sticky” and I can easily get out of them sometimes, or think more logically, trying to not reassure myself or asking for reassurance as much but also allowing myself dto deal with it in my own way and yeah sometimes I do still reassure myself like people without ocd would too, but I have cut back so much and I don’t even remember the last time I confessed properly to my partner. He understands me and has been so supportive and given me any type of reassurance in the past, so basically I’ve got all the answers already, but I don’t have to constantly remind myself of those things or prove every thought wrong. I can let things go more easily. I can think more logically. I can see more when ocd is trying to trick me. I know I’m not aroused sexually by the intrusive thoughts even if they’re images ocd creates and not real I know that if a thought feels intrusive it isn’t arousing me even if it comes at the worst times and makes me confused in the moment, I can bring myself back to reality and put my focus on me and my partner, I can enjoy sex again! Im still struggling at times but I never thought I’d get to this point even, it’s only up from here… I want to attach this image because I prayed and begged for God to send me a sign that only I would know which was a love heart but not in a text message, I wanted to SEE THE SIGN CLEARLY, I asked him if I would ever recover fully or always suffer like this and if I will recover and one day not even have thoughts like this or notice them if I did almost like background noise of stupid people with stupid opinions, then show me a heart. And he delivered this to me. You will be okay even when you feel like you won’t. You matter. Don’t let ocd define you, we’ve got ocd but ocd doesn’t have us… I’m working now, happy mostly with my life, have a loving partner and daughter I’m able to focus on properly now that I’m getting better, I have quit pot and been clean for about 3 weeks after being a stoner since 16 every day basically, which will only make me feel more clear over time, next step is ciggies to quit at the end of the month, I don’t even drink alcohol unless occasionally so that’s not an issue, I’m going to start working out and become my goal weight, going to find things I love to do and DO THEM, LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST. you can get here too. This is coming from someone who contemplated suicide time and time again but knew God had a purpose for letting me suffer this way , so I’m able to HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME. God bless you all and Jesus right now I pray for everyone struggling with mental health problems and I pray you can guide them to the right direction, the light and the truth that is YOU. That’s why I can finally see the light at the tunnel, it’s Jesus calling me home. God bless you all, amen. 🙏🏼🩷🩵💜

Hi all, this is my first post and I wanted to go over my specific situation and see if anyone within this community has dealt with the same thing. A few things to note first: 1) I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD and have yet to see a professional about my issues. So it’s entirely possible that it’s not OCD related. I am in the process of trying to see a specialist, but don’t have an appointment set yet. 2) Because I have not been diagnosed, I am extremely confused about my issues, and if I am feeding into compulsive behavior by researching etc. I have a very specific situation and that leaves me confused about what to do/not do. A little background: I’m in my early 30s and got divorced about three years ago. My ex and I were only married a short time and it was a very toxic relationship. We probably rushed into it and truly were not compatible and figured that out after we said “I do”. She was very emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and just not a great human being. After the divorce, I stayed out of the dating scene for about a year. I met my current girlfriend a little over a year and a half ago. Our relationship has been wonderful so far and I see myself spending the rest of my life with her. She’s kind, thoughtful and cares deeply for me. Up until about four months ago, our sex life was amazing and I had very few erectile issues. That was the same in previous relationships before my ex too. Good relationships and only a few minor erection issues. Then, a few months ago, as I began more seriously thinking about timelines of getting engaged or taking the next step, I started to have intrusive thoughts about “what if this isn’t right for me”. “What if I don’t actually love her”. “What if she doesn’t actually love me?” Thoughts about her past partners too and if she was actually happy with me. Around the same time (though seemingly not related at that point) I also had an episode of E.D. that has since shattered my confidence. It’s been an endless loop of anxiety, panic, and rumination/questioning since then. Sometimes, it works okay, sometimes I lose it midway through. Which causes immense stress and reinforces the cycle. She has been super kind and considerate about it, saying it’s okay and not a big deal, etc. but it eats at me. At the same time, I’ve basically been singularly focused and obsessed about solving this issue, whether or not it’s just an E.D. issue, if it’s related to OCD, related to my past trauma, etc. The thing that bugs me is that for the first 1.25 years of our relationship, everything in the bedroom and the rest of our relationship was great. We waited several months after we began dating to have sex and it has been amazing and really still is when I’m not having anxiety about it. I had planned that we would get engaged this fall and I don’t know how much of these obsessive thoughts and panic is just because that date is moving closer vs something else. When we are together, it still feels great and we can sit and talk for hours on end. Like I said, we have a great relationship. It’s just that in the last few months, with my anxiety and panic, I feel 1000 miles away sometimes, completely in my head trying to figure out what’s wrong and how to solve it. As I mentioned in the top, I haven’t had an ocd diagnosis. But I have really recognized some of the symptoms in myself. This all came out of the blue and caused me great stress. The obsessive thoughts of our relationship being wrong or her not being right for me cause me extreme sadness and despair. But when I’m not having those panicking thoughts and can be present with her, I feel pretty much as good as I always did before. That leads me to my final question/issue. If any males have had similar ROCD and ED issues, how did you handle it? I have taken viagra a few times and it has certainly helped maintain my erection. I just feel weird taking it and am also concerned that if this is OCD, that I’m avoiding something/giving into a compulsion by medicating it away. TL/DR: I’m having obsessive thoughts about my otherwise good relationship all of the sudden that is causing me great stress and anxiety. I’m also having erection issues, which might be the root cause of all of this anyway. I’ve had a past relationship that ended in divorce and don’t know how that might be impacting things. And I don’t know how to handle the idea of taking a pill to help with the erection issues. It’s a chicken/egg issue and I don’t know how to not make things worse.

Something else I’ve been really struggling with is that EVERY. SINGLE. THING becomes a harm thought about my loved one. If my brain can come up with it, it does it. All day. Cooking? Driving? Lighters? Guns? Knives? My bare hands? Sexual related harm? Random scenarios/objects? It all brings up an image and an urge feeling. And when I get triggered, it *actually* feels like I’d act on it and not care. Is this totally normal??? Even the urges?? I always hear people go “but I know I wouldn’t act on it”. I’m seriously at the point where I don’t feel like that’s true for me.