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the NOCD Community

Well, it's been a year since things with my OCD spiraled out of control, which led me to eventually seek a diagnosis and get the help I needed. A little over a couple of months ago, I didn't want to be alive. But now, there's hope for me. I've been managing on my own, but I'm going to start therapy soon (working out insurance right now), and I'm so excited to begin this journey of recovery and working on bettering myself so I'm able to live (and enjoy) a quality life!! ☺️🩷 I wouldn't have made it this far without all the lovely people in this community, so thank you!! To anyone who's struggling right now, it can and will get better, so don't let OCD win. You got this!!

I saw someone mention mental arousal, what does that mean in terms of sex? Is that thinking “oh I really wanna kiss him, I wanna hold his ____. I want to feel him on top of me”? Is it the liking the sex mentally? And then the body physically reacts? I’m worried I’ve only felt the mental and then the physical was forced/I don’t want sex once we start going even tho I did like 10 seconds prior I only feel that before sex/during dirty talk and it makes me wanna kiss him. During sex my head is kinda blank and I’m focusing on the sensations of him touching me. Which I think is normal. I don’t really fantasize during sex. Ig mental arousal would also just be general fantasies from dirty talk and seeing a photo of him shirtless right? Just the thought of it used to get me going but I wouldn’t think of any specific thing tho. Just using the picture. If I wanted a specific scenario I’d start thinking then texting him about it and him building on it and him getting aroused got me going more idk if just me thinking about it ever got me off? Sometimes the fantasies made me really horny but I wasn’t in a place I could do anything. Which I think just means I was aroused physically and mentally so clearly no issue here idk why I panicked. I’m worried I’m no longer mentally or physically aroused by him cuz I don’t feel any of that lately cuz I’m so fioefioeif I’m worried I only feel it for women. I’m bi so technically not an issue but I don’t wanna be thinking about anyone else (mainly friends) like that which is why I’m so uncomfortable but just in general the thought of having a sex with a woman is not appealing to me right now or at all cuz I am dating a wonderful man but that makes me worry I’m pushing down smthn and just denying it. Anyways. Ramble done

OK, this might sound really dumb, but when you guys get intrusive thoughts, do they just come once and then go away? I’ve heard that repeatedly thinking about an intrusive thought is considered ‘checking,’ but it doesn’t feel like I have any control over how many times it comes up in my head. It’s not like I’m trying to check anything—it just keeps showing up, almost like it’s terrorizing me every time. I can’t seem to stop it from looping, stop remembering it, or prevent it from coming up. Every time it does, I feel horrified, and I already know it’s going to horrify me. I don’t think I’m actively trying to see if my feelings have changed, so is this still considered checking? How do other people get an intrusive thought and just move on? Doesn’t it pop up a million times for them too? I always thought that was normal, but now I’m hearing this could be a compulsion, and I feel really confused, scared, and lost. Is this why my OCD feels so extreme? Because I really don’t feel like I can control how many times the thought pops up.

I don’t feel very obsessive. I’m not anxious at all. I know I enjoy sex with him and love him. But now idk if I wanna spend my life with him. Is that the clarity I wanted Like I know I love him but I’m unsure about our future when I used to be super sure? Idk if it’s just cuz I’m an anxious person. Is it ok to love someone and not know if you want a life with them? A life with him would be so peaceful and beautiful. It’d be all I wanted but is that a lie? I don’t think I’d regret marrying him or exploring my bisexuality more cuz I’ve had very little desire to date women. I think I’m just unsure cuz of the obvious culture and religion difference. Our anniversary is this week and I have nothing planned (except breakfast, and a gift that I haven’t finished). I know love won’t conquer everything and it’l require work from both of us. I’m worried I’m just going along with it cuz I have to or I’m stuck here not cuz I want it. Anyways: in summary, is it ok to love someone but still be unsure of wanting a future with them even tho it would be a really nice future I’d love? I really think it’s just anxiousness cuz i don’t wanna confuse my kids by praying differently than them, and celebrating christmas with my side of the family. I feel bad that I’m unsure. But I love him and god I wanna sleep in the same bed as him, wake up next to him, cook him dinner in dim light, cuddle on the couch while watching a movie. I’m tearing up writing this lol. It all seems so nice. He’s so nice. He’s so gentle. I don’t feel butterflies but I feel peace but I’m unsure. My head feels weird. I don’t feel obsessive or confused today but I’m still not me. Maybe I’m getting a short break.

Does anyone else struggle with this? It's been the main thing powering my POCD, and it's only been getting worse. Especially when I see posts online of people sharing their personal stories relating to CSA, specifically grooming. It's so triggering now, but before this theme developed, the most I'd feel while reading posts like that would be disgust targeted towards people who did those things. Now, my first thought is, "What if I do something like that one day? What if I've done it before and I don't remember or didn't know I was doing it?" I have many, many different intrusive thoughts or worries related to this theme, but it all circles back to this specific fear that I'll become like the people who hurt and took advantage of me. Does anyone have advice for this? I'm not sure if I've asked a similar question in the past or not, but is this something I need to deal with separately before beginning ERP for OCD? I'm just curious and also lost on where to begin with all of this. I'm just glad I'm able to begin working through all of these issues now, rather than later in life when I'd probably have a lot more responsibilities. Anyways, any feedback is appreciated! 🤍

I don’t know why but today I feel so incredibly angry right now and I was so frustrated with everything including my two dogs. I didn’t hurt them or hit them or anything but I was particularly annoyed and angry when they were trying to get presumably a bunny or a raccoon from underneath the shed, so I had to pull my small dog away when he wouldn’t budge away from the shed and i couldn’t pick him up because I was not close enough. I feel bad because I know I love my dogs but oh my god I just get so annoyed with them and on top of them everything else I have to just shut down all day and the things I don’t understand. I feel like I’m going insane. I don’t want my dogs to think I don’t love them because i was angry and annoyed at them. I know they’re just animals and they love me and I love them. I want them to know I’m sorry for even getting mad. I wish I didn’t feel so angry and yet so disconnected at the same time. I’m terrified I’m an evil person or that I don’t love my pets or something. I started to hit myself and punch myself because I do that when I get over the edge angry. I don’t know why I feel angry. It’s a mix of anger and emptiness and I don’t want either of them especially towards my dogs.

I always wake up full of dread and fear. My anxiety is through the roof two seconds after I open my eyes. Someone on this app gave me a similar insight once I believe. But I think anxiety is just the urge to ruminate. About what? It probably doesn’t matter, as long as I can torture myself, as OCD loves. Does anyone else relate to this or agree maybe?

Idk my brain is like “you’re only staying with your bf so you can suppress your feelings cuz you’re too scared to be a lesbian/trans” I just want to be a bi woman leave me and my bf alone I was so happy before. Now I feel a weird anxiety in my chest and idk if it’s good anxiety. My friends and I joked about me getting married to him one day and I didn’t feel butterflies I didn’t get all teary eyed thinking about it then I got in my head “oh god am I a lesbian? Am I trans? Do I want a white dress moment?” But I think I’m not excited cuz we aren’t there yet. And I know myself. I’m gonna be anxious as all hell, ROCD or not, about this wedding going off without a hitch cuz im a perfectionist. Part of me worries that my perfectionism is me suppressing myself I’m worried I’m forcing myself to stay. I’m worried I wanna take a break. Im worried if we do take a break everything will come true cuz I can finally “express myself” but I can express myself here. But the ocd is making it feel like im not or can’t? If that makes sense? Like im worried im not fully being myself and yeah there are definitely things I don’t talk about with him (like RUPAUL’s drag race, he’s not a fan, I kinda am). It’s not out of fear of him hating me it’s just not smtjn we talk about. Idk now im worried it’s not ocd and km actually in a restrictive relationship but im not. I don’t feel a lick of anxiety around any of this tho. What does that mean.

These thought make me doubt my self so much it makes me think that the thoughts are real and it’s not my ocd I just want to be my old self I didn’t think about anything I can’t looks at the same gender because then my brain tells me I like them. But I just don’t want to lose my girlfriend I love her so much she’s the one who cures my ocd when am with her I don’t think about anything

Practically every crush I have had has had some sort of butterflies or anxiety attached to it but it’s an exciting anxiety and now I’m trying to figure out if I actually had a crush on one of my female friends cuz I never had that usual butterfly feeling until she hugged me in a photobooth. I was just happy to hang out with her. I’ve had a genuine crush on a girl before and I felt tjose butterflies. Now I’m worried that I did and maybe still do have a crush on her without butterflies. I mean you can like someone and not have butterflies right. It’s common in ROCD to obsesses over the butterfly feeling. You don’t need them for a romantic relationship, do you need them for a crush? Idk For me a crush involves those butterflies and thinking about that person a lot and making excuses to talk to them all the time and hang out with them or call them. Stuff I used to do when I think I did have a crush on her but again: no butterflies. I was saying good morning and goodnight and rambling about whatever. Stuff I do with my current bf. I don’t think it was a genuine crush maybe me trying to prove my bisexuality cuz I’d never dated a girl at that time? Idk. I’m going insane. I’m worried I still like her and that’s why we don’t talk but we don’t talk cuz we’re both really busy people. I barely talk to any of my friends whether or not I had a crush on them. Help. I don’t think I like her but I’m worried that if I see her again or we hang out I’ll develop feelings for her and I don’t want to cuz I love my bf (I think. I’m really mentally unstable so i cannot tell) I confessed twice to her when we were in high school- at one point she had a gf, then the other she was dating her now ex. Then when she broke up with said ex I got the intrusive panicky thought of what if your bf is a placeholder and you still like her and you were just reading about comphet so maybe you’re a lesbian in denial And saying all this makes it sound like I like her and I’m avoiding talking to her cuz I like her but I’m avoiding talking to her cuz I’m worried about cheating or leaving my bf. She’s a great friend and honestly I see her more like a sister than anything I think despite us not talking very often. I’m worried I’m repressing smthn and I’m only using my bf as a coverup until she ends her current relationship cuz she was debating doing that to date women again and my brain said “why don’t you do that, you’re bi, you wanna date her” but after my confessions were rejected I thought yeah no this will never work. Moving on. Idk what I’m feeling I feel crazy. Sometimes my intrusive thoughts involve her. Sometimes not. I opened up about my ocd and she opened up with her comphet stuff and I’m worried I’m experiencing comphet and I felt this intense anxiety the entire time talking about it cuz I’m worried she thinks I’m in denial and I’m worried I’m in denial I’m worried I’m not the happiest I could be with my bf. We’re different people but not that different. Idk I’m scared I’d be happier with someone else and I’m only staying out of convenience not love and my brain is playing an image of me telling him I don’t think I’m happy with him and leaving him and idk what I’m feeling. Idk if it’s guilt cuz I don’t want the thought or guilt cuz I’m about to break someone’s heart. I’m worried I’m just here cuz I’m too scared to leave or smthn. Lately it feels like that. But I do love him. I think. Idk. This is my longest and first healthy relationship where I’ve considered someone long term in a serious way cuz his family is Muslim so i have to be sure of this if that makes sense? Idk what I’m meant to feel. If this is normal or if I’m unhappy. He’s definitely got different opinions on queer stuff compared to me but isn’t one to be hateful or anything. He knows I’m bi, he gets it, he’s cool with it. If he wasn’t. We would not have been together for a year I don’t feel much anxiety so do I just need to leave and experiment? I don’t really feel the need to do that. I don’t think? But what if I regret not doing that? Idk. I have so many questions running through my head Mainly “am I the happiest I can be in this relationship or am I complacent and don’t want him anymore and would rather datw another guy or a girl?”

I have been doing my best to not ruminate and let the thoughts be. I’ve done ERP for some of them with my therapist. The sexual intrusive thoughts are the worst. I was feeling better and then OCD started to throw my bf into these sexual intrusive thoughts. Now I have these awful images and terrible thoughts of my boyfriend doing vile immoral things. I’ve been trying to just shrug it off and say “yeah, okay OCD.” But I still feel deeply disturbed, and the thoughts are very sticky. I know it’s just another intrusive thought, but these feel extra horrendous. I don’t know what to do.

Please i really need help ,i feel really really scared I struggle a lot with ZOCD ,i have for months now and i have 2 cats who i adore very much. But it happens to me that i can't be near them because i get scared i want them to do something gross and disturbing to me Yesterday i was talking with my mom and My cat wanted me to pet her and well she licked my leg close to the tome and then went a bit higher of my leg and licked it I feel extremely scared and uncomfortable and started having really awful intrusive thoughts that Made me so scared,i froze and felt guilty bc i felt like if something more awful happened would i have stopped her??? Now this morning i'm sitting next to the table taking breakfast and my other cat wants to get on my lap,i was with my legs crossed and i felt like he was getting to close to my leg I felt like i'm not sure but like i froze again and felt like weird It felt like i was questioning if i wanted something awful to happen and i didnt stop him again and felt so guilty Then he got on my lap and i just hug him and pet him ,i knew i wouldnt make him do something disturbing but i felt scared he would and i would let him Because it felt like i didnt feel fear and i was questioning myself in the moment. Has anyone else experienced this i'm sorry it's too long i would like to know what to do and if this is I GUESS NORMAL IN OCD I MEAN

Valentine’s Day is coming up and so is my bf and I’s 1 year anniversary which is insane to me. I don’t feel excited about either tho. Could be because I have exams on both days. I’m also just incredibly depressed lately. My dog passed a couple weeks ago. I miss him. I miss my family. Uni sucks. I don’t feel excited about anything. I didn’t even get him a Christmas gift. He doesn’t celebrate (Muslim) but I still wanted to get him smthn but I never did. Idk why. I wanted to. Why didn’t I? I was kinda sick upon getting back to school. And the semester ramped up fast. I feel bad. But no pit in my stomach. I also didn’t feel anything when he kissed me and thought “release meeee” more in a funny tone but idk I still thought that. Why. I didn’t get turned on making out with him. Why. When he said sweet things I didn’t feel anything. Oh god. I feel awkward when we talk about sex. Sometimes if I’m in the mental state, it’s hot. But if I’m not it’s just awkward for me Do I just not love him? I wanna go out and buy him gifts but I’m worried it’s an act and I’m just gonna break up with him anyways. I don’t think I wanna do that. I’m still looking for a therapist rn. Do I even want to be with him? Will I be happy with him. I’m so confused. I feel good when he’s with me but is it just the attention. Am I just scared of hurting him and that’s why I won’t say anything?

I’m 25 and never ever thought this before my soocd relapse. I have a bf of 5 years. Never been a high libido kinda girl. Don’t get me wrong I do get turned on by my bf but not like every day you know? - That had always been in the back of my head, is this normal and ok? But my ocd has latched onto the most scariest what if EVER. My brain is now saying How do you know you won’t prefer to sleep and kiss girls if you haven’t tried it: and it’s that unknown that is scaring the shit out of me. I DONT AND NEVER HAVE wanted to sleep / kiss a girl. But now my intrusive thoughts is all I think about!!! I don’t want I don’t want I don’t want??? So why does my brain think BUT WHAT IF??? I know ocd thrives off uncertainty which is why I think this is happening? But I don’t wanna find out or work it out because all I want is to be with my bf and marry him!! Is this just the epitome of OCD?

TW I’m feeling really bad about myself today. I feel like a fraud and a liar. I’ve been unable to enjoy my time with my girlfriend because I’m bombarded with my thoughts. I’ve been asking for reassurance from so many people and nothing is helping. Nothing makes me feel better anymore and I’m worried that this is just how it’s going to be for forever. I miss when I could just be happy and not overthink so much. I miss being able to get through my days without this crippling anxiety. I’m worried there’s going to be a day where I realize I have no fight left in me

Two things are happening: I get thoughts that just keep looping. They almost feel like song stuck in my head. Also, I’ll imagine something and I feel my stomach drop. Then as the seconds go by I keep getting fragments of the this thought but with different details. For example, it’s kinda like how a “vision” is portrayed. I’ll get a glimpse of the thought and then it’ll rapidly expand into something worse every few seconds. I don’t know if I’m causing this or if it’s just an automatic thing like any other intrusive thought. It feels unavoidable, idk if this is a compulsion or if it’s just another manifestation of an intrusive thought. Apart from that remembering an intrusive thought triggers the full thought again and then it just keeps looping or expanding. I don’t know how to stop any of this. Help?

I’m worried that because of all my comparisons between me liking my bf and fearing only being a lesbian instead of bi I actually want to date a woman and not a man. Like it feels convincing. I’m scared I’m gonna be unfulfilled in the future and have to live with my decision when I know I’d be happy with him. He is my best friend and a wonderful partner and I love him so why am I so scared. Maybe it’s cuz of my mom’s divorce. I’m worried we’re gonna build years of a life togteher just for me to regret my decision and leave him for a woman. I don’t wanna do that Help

This is the first time I have seen my boyfriend in a month because I have been so debilitated by OCD on top of everything else I struggle with that I isolated myself simply because it was easier. For the first hour, I felt great. Genuinely great. My head was clear, and I was able to just be myself, the real me, for a whole hour. Then the first obsession hit. After that, every other obsession came crashing down, one after another. Now I am standing in the Target bathroom, completely overwhelmed. It always hits me hardest when I am with him. I have realized that the reason I turn into a little compulsion machine around him is because I am so desperate to feel normal and enjoy our time together that the compulsions become even more tempting. I get anxious about being anxious around him, which turns my OCD from a background annoyance into a full-blown supervillain. It is unbelievably frustrating that this is ruining time with the love of my life, who is so understanding, but he should not have to deal with this hell. And yet I keep dragging him into it because I cannot seem to stop. I do not know what to do because I cannot even redirect my attention. I think I am managing it, only to realize I am still ruminating. Okay, I’m venting a bit, but does anyone have any tips? Even tiny ones or theoretical ones that might help make this more bearable?

I'm not drowning in overwhelming anxiety anymore after starting medication, but I feel... off. There's still this lingering anxiety, but it's like it's blocked or something. I hate the sensation of it. I don't really feel like I'm living, just existing. I'm afraid internally, but I can't express it anymore or experience physical symptoms of that fear. I can't even cry, but I feel like I want to or need to :( Maybe things are just worse right now because I'm on my period, but I'm genuinely so tired. I don't know how recovery is going to be for me, and what if it's not enough? What if this doubt and guilt that surrounds my life doesn't go away? I'm just afraid because I enjoy living and I love my family, but every time I think about having to deal with this for the rest of my life, I get bad thoughts of ending things. I just want peace. I just want to be confident in my own identity for once.

This is gonna be a lot about sex cuz idk what’s happening. I have a bf and sex is new as of mid august. But since I’ve been on birth control since end of august sex feels different? I’ve been on 2 types, a patch (forget the name rn) till October, now im on nexplanon. I have no period atm so that’s a nice bonus ig. But mental health is…. Uhhh not wonderful! I feel numb I feel like I’m not horny enough. Or I’m not feeling enough. I feel him inside me and everything but it’s not the same feeling as before And also: eye contact, I don’t get this intense sense of connection but it’s nice to look at him. It doesn’t turn me on more tho Neither does watching his head roll back. It’s hot but I don’t feel anything change down below and I don’t get butterflies anymore My mind wanders. I’m wondering if im enjoying it. If im playing an active part in the sex cuz im very…. Bad at it? I think is how I’d put it? I let him take control cuz it gives my brain a break but my brain is now saying that me not being able to be on top or don’t really like it means I don’t like him and/or im a lesbian depending on the day. Even before this I wasn’t a huge fan of being on top cuz I get embarrassed really easily and I don’t wanna ruin the moment ;-; Like it still feels good but it doesn’t feel as intimate as it used to when we first started dating/before ocd hit/in backdoor spikes (honestly we had some good times and I felt good). Is it just a “im used to his body” thing or am I just not feeling it? I don’t get turned on by seeing him shirtless or naked anymore. But don’t get me wrong he’s still hot I just don’t get aroused unless we start making out Also making out lately- no butterflies, I feel things in my groin but not my stomach or chest and my brain isn’t in it. It feels like im partially not present if that makes sense. I feel out tongues sliding around but it’s not as hot as it used to be and idk if that’s cuz im gay or if that’s cuz im in a depression hole cuz of my birth control and it’s made the ruminating worse and worse Also dirty talk isn’t doing much anymore, no butterflies as well. Maybe we need novelty? Maybe we need to be adventurous? Cuz rn all we really do is missionary lol. I should maybe communicate more as well 😅 Also: I find that when I’m waiting for him to either go to the washroom or get a condom or tie me up or smthn while we’re not touching or doing anything flirty, I start to lose steam and I start panicking which then makes it worse 💀💀 In summary: what am I meant to feel during sex? I know most women don’t orgasm from penetration, which is why a vibrator is always incorporated. What else am I meant to feel? I feel sweaty when he enters Idk it’s driving me nuts. After he and I finished up yesterday I found myself wondering if I liked it. It felt nice in the moment and I did finish. It was kinda uncomfy cuz I was laying on my own ponytail and it was being pulled by me lol😭😭