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I believe I done something awful and kept looking for evidence and now I’m stuck with this one piece it’s causing so much anxiety, and I don’t know if it’s true, what I think I done would put me in prison, HELP

Does anyone with Scrupulosity deal with feeling like you might quench(disobey) the Spirit?

So things have been okay in my relationship. I feel better after my medication and I’m able to get through my days. I’m slowly battling my OCD but it is hard when it gets colder. I found that because I find happiness in my relationship, the fear of him leaving becomes more and more prominent. There’s a huge feeling in my chest and stomach and even in my mind that something bad is going to happen and he’s going to disappear from my life completely. Right after we’ve been having important discussions (at least to me since I’m in college and been wanting to build my life after I graduate) about marriage and moving in an apartment together. What’s wrong with me? Is this OCD? I keep asking for recurrence that he still loves me and won’t leave me. But that feeling won’t go away. Maybe I’m destined to be alone. Because I truly really love him.

Hi, I have lived with OCD for 47 years. I was 12 years old in 1977 when this was diagnosed. Unfortunately at that time very bad decisions were made at that time on how to treat this. Just in case I forget, I place no blame on my parents for this decision. I was the typical OCD starter story. I washed my hands constantly after I came home from school to wash out thoughts of people I saw at school (grade 7). In my mind, I washed my hands because I didn't want to look or act like kids who were being made fun of. I told my mom that I thought I might be going crazy. Within a month of me telling her this the psychiatrist had me institutionalized. I was there with kids who were up to 6 years older than me. Severely autistic kids, kids who were violent, kids who were obviously there for sexual reasons. 3 months. I'll make this long story on this brief by saying the 1st day I was there, I was showering at the boys side of this place, came out to see two girls standing outside the shower room commenting that I had hair down there. I didn't belong anywhere near a place like that. So when I came back home, I went back to my life. Travel hockey (goalie), and baseball and hid my obsessing from everyone for the next decade. I was afraid to ask for help out of fear of being thought to actually be crazy and put back in a place like where I was. I apologize if this is long. I am sure if I dont do it this way, I might never share my story. Without treatment up until I went to college was very difficult. I had an extremely mentally and emotionally abusive father. Hockey wad extremely difficult, especially once I reached high school a played goalie for 2 years on that team. When almost the entire school is there watching being very nervous before a game was a given. But that on top of my OCD going full blast. Now it was seeing a geek kid ( yes I know the label is wrong), sent me to obsessing that unless I wash my skin, or whatever compulsion, that I would play goal the way he would and get embarrassed in front of the whole school. In college for those 3 years it eased up. Never disappeared, just eased up. I'm getting long winded so I'll try to summarize. I did not tell my wife of my illness until it exploded on me a year after we were married. I know that was very wrong of me. But we're still together ( sort of) all this time later. From that time in 1989, it took until 2018 before I found a psychologist who actually knew how to deal with OCD. I went years without looking for help because of being so discouraged. Now my time's spent with psychiatrists were worse. The 1st one prescribed drugs that I ended up in hospital after having a seizure in my family doctor's office. I was seeing him because I thought I had a severe case of the flu. I didn't know any better in 94 that it wasn't the flu, it was the drugs. I didn't know this until an anxiety med I was on was discontinued and in trying to find something to replace it I got the same case of the flu. I actually walked out on a psychiatrist when on the 1st visit in the mid 2010s he was writing out 3 prescriptions after we talked for 7 whole mins. I said sort of still married. We have 2 young daughters just now hitting there teenage years. Over time (and not because of not telling her of my OCD, but just who she is), she has been the trigger of my anxiety which flows to my OCD. Which is where the help coping comes in. The initial overload that brought my OCD out after a year of being married was her telling me that she'd stopped taking her birth control. We were young and I didn't want children so quickly. I have to continue staying here with her now because she has no parenting instincts at all. So I need to counter balance her with my daughter. The level head if you will. But she is a constant trigger of my OCD. After finding the psychologist who finally had a firm handle on OCD and having a number of sessions, during one he stopped me a said that we can talk about the illness all you want but you have ( and I did) a firm handle on all the ins and outs of it, but until you get away from what triggers you ( my wife) it won't ease up in how often it hits you. But as he knew I can't just leave my daughters. I was supposed to have a knee replacement a few years ago that I canceled because my youngest daughter who was 8 at that time went in full panic mode because I said I would probably stay at a friend's for a couple weeks as he was in a bungalow and our bedrooms are on the second floor. She was in panic saying you can't leave me alone with mom. Now how we have the girls is a long story, but it's true that you most times never know what unconditional love is until you feel it for your kids. So here I am. I've had family doctor and a relative and a couple friends tell me I'm an abused spouse. I basically in a nut shell married the female version of my father. So I had one of the worst fathers for dealing with OCD and then went on to marry the worst the same type in my wife. It will be a number of years before my girls can hit yhe leaving the nest stage, so I have a number of years left with the person who triggers my OCD. The second that time comes, I see a divorce lawyer. I wish that I had seen the right person for my OCD 20 years ago, so the divorce would be way in the rear view mirror but it didn't work that way for me. I'm asking anyone in a similar situation, in that you're with a person that triggers your OCD and you can't just leave. How do you cope, what things do you do....

(sorry for posting so much I just feel safe talking through here I feel less alone. This might be the last post thooo) I said I don't want to be poly yesterday morning. I literally was fine until I started having thoughts of wanting other boys while going to school which was the worst moment ever :(. I started having more thoughts of sharing myself and it's bothering me ALOT. It got worse last night and this morning now. I can't even get away from it. It feels like I want it I don't! I know I don't because I have my only bf! That's it. He's enough there should be no reason to have another boyfriend. I feel like breaking up with my boyfriend because I'm scared of ending up cheating on him or these thoughts not going away. I don't want to think of wanting other boys. I don't want to be poly. These feelings keep saying that I been wanting two boys but no no no. I want my boyfriend only. It's like I messed up and now I have to face the consequences. It's like I have to accept my boyfriend being with other girls. I don't want us to end up being with different people because of these boy thoughts. I don't want us to be open relationship we both agreed on wanting each other. I don't want no other boys why would I want other boys. I made so many promises and I told him how much I only want him. Why now is it telling me I want another boy. I don't understand. Its getting worse and it's ruining my life. I feel like hitting my head again. No matter how many times I explain myself it doesn't stop it gets worse. It makes me feel ashamed, disgusting, upset. i want the same anxiety I have when I overthink of my boyfriend being with other girls. It's unfair to me that when it comes to boys I feel like I want it. And it's so disgusting. It's ruining everything I had with my boyfriend. I DO NOT want another boy. Idc I have my boyfriend. It's like it's stuck in the back of my head. Why are they so easy to accept, I used to be terrified thinking of other boys. I feel like my boyfriend is talking to some other girls and liking her as punishment because of these thoughts I have. It's like every obsessive thought I'm stuck on I have to be punished for. It's either agreeing on those thoughts of sharing my boyfriend to other girls and agreeing he probably has more interest in that girl. It sucks. I just want these boy thoughts out of my head. I have no one to talk to. Why can't I for ONCE in my life only think about my boyfriend and actually feel loyal. I don't want no other boy and I do not care for any other boy (obviously it's not gonna believe me) I hate these feelings I get and I keep feeling like I have to agree. It's getting worse every second. Do I just accept it I never ever accept any thoughts that's with other boys. :<

I am obsessing over him still. He is in my thoughts continually. We had a beautiful relationship online. We video calls all the time. He would take me on walks with him from work. He would call me from work video chat when he could. His love voice so pure. I really believe it is a true love. He is far away for me in distance. We can’t ever be together. It just couldn’t work. We told ourselves that it didn’t matter. That the love with out for each other was enough. He came to a point where he told me that he wanted me to find to love here. That he couldn’t be with me all the time, to be there for me he said that I needed someone to hold me and to care for me. He asked me to please find someone and be happy in my life. He said he needed my happiness. Of course my heart was shattered, I couldn’t except it. I tried to tell him I didn’t want anyone else that I just wanted him I begged and pleaded. He finally got a little harsh, and I don’t blame him because I couldn’t accept it. He kept asking me to please accept reality and find someone there close to me. I kept praying for God’s grace to help me through this. You see I truly love him. I finally said goodbye to him, but what I don’t understand is two days later he messaged me and said. Good morning sweetheart. I love you. I messaged the same back to him. I was so happy to hear from him I was just shaking. The next day he told me that he was working night shift and he said I love you sweetheart. Yeah, I asked him how he was doing and that I hope he was well. I don’t understand, but he did not respond. My husband had Alzheimer’s for the last four years. He did not know me. I got very lonely. I needed someone to love me and needed someone to give my love to. We had a beautiful relationship. My husband and I he was my everything. I love him with all my heart. He passed six weeks ago. It is hard for me to understand with loving my husband so much that I can be in love with this other gentleman so deeply but I did fall for him. I keep giving it to God but I keep taking it back, I am in so much pain, it hurts so bad. If this gentleman really wants me to find someone here to love me, I don’t understand his recent messages. I am just miserable. I just don’t know how to go on without my husband, and without this gentleman My heart aches and it hurts so bad. I want to thank everyone for listening to me. You are very kind. Only by the grace of God can I get through this. This gentleman also says that he will always love me and he will always be with me. But that he needs for me to find happiness here. If anyone out there, can you help me understand this whole thing, I would be so appreciative. Thank you from the bottom of my heart again.

How do I stop thinking about him and obsessing over what we want had. I keep reliving things over and over and over I find myself literally begging him. Losing all my self-respect. The pain is so extremely great. It hurts so bad.

I've always liked woman I'm 20 years old and I always 100% believed I was straight. can I just become gay? It just came out of nowhere 5 months ago and now it seems like I like guys and I'm becoming gay. How can that just happen?

So I went to my old school and it didn't sucked because I get to go to a field trip. My old friend was there so it wasn't that bad. But I was like so focused on not messing up. To leaving my house alll the way to my school I had thoughts of "being back with my ex" or something like that like wtf? I said multiple times (trying not to panick because I was in public. Usually when I'm alone in my room I scream saying "NO I HAVE BETTER BOYFRIEND" trying to be as detailed as possible so this little shit can understand) I was getting the hang with it reminding these thoughts that I don't want my ex and I want my boyfriend. I was getting anxious and having thoughts and these feelings. Like I felt like those ex thoughts were right or I felt like I wanted them and I started to feel guilty. I knew that I would never leave my boyfriend with my ex! I had these messed up thoughts and it ruined me. It felt like I was going to cheat on my boyfriend. I don't understand. Those thoughts were so confusing and so awful. I tried to think of my boyfriend and remind myself again and again that I'm committed to my boyfriend NOT my ex. I had thoughts of ditching my boyfriend or cheat on him with my ex and it felt real and I was scared and I felt so guilty and sad. I had to figure out and try correcting myself for the ENTIRE trip. I got a hold on them for a awhile but I just felt bad. Did I do something bad? These thoughts felt genuine and real and the feelings felt so I can't describe it. Probably like a urge like the type of feeling of trying not to scratch that mosquito bite idk that probably sound worse. I feel like a bad girlfriend and awful I wish I felt that type of awful way before. It feels like I don't deserve my boyfriend. I told myself many many times that I have a boyfriend and I did NOT want to go to my ex. But ig I didn't do hard enough. There were many what ifs and many not what if. I promised my boyfriend I would never leave him. I would never do that to my boyfriend!! I hate that I don't feel genuine like wth!! This is my boyfriend I do love him dearly.

I want to beat OCD because it puts stress on my relationships, my health, my future. I thought it was under control but with constant stories of Covid coming back, infections from mosquitoes, flesh eating bacteria in the water I am becoming scared to leave my home. I want my normalcy back.

So I’ve gotten WAYY!! Better with my pocd but there are times when I’m just living and almost forget or have some interaction with OCD. But sometimes I feel like even though I am, I get depressed immediately because, the future I’ve always wanted (having a wife and kids) just doesn’t seem like it’s even possible anymore, I feel like (A. If I do every get in a serious relationship, All I’ll be thinking is (you have pocd, you can’t tell her cause she’ll freak out and leave you and maybe possibly call the cops) its been so severe that I have these false attractions or whatever but not all the time and intrusive thoughts so graphic I spaz out or get goosebumps cause of how disturbing. I hate it with a passion. But I just feel like I don’t deserve to have any of that. That’s literally all I’ve been looking for in life have a wife and two kids and a good home. And it probably won’t ever happen sadly. Anyone on the same boat? 😔

Good Evening 🌇 It’s my first day writing ✍🏼 to you all on this app. I’ve experience OCD symptoms since a child in almost every area of my life. When it came to body image, repeating mantras to make sure a family member would be injured for some random reason, spiritual and religious (thinking almost everything I do is somehow hurting my relationship with Source, when this is not reality) praying not stop until my eyes would blur so that I could fix things with G-D🙏🏼 Major fear of blasphemy etc…, There was school ocd when it came to memorizing studying and writing ✍🏼 particularly writing within the lines and not allowing myself sleep until I was sure I could get a 100% on the test/quiz/assignment; thus leading me to drop out of College mid-semester without explanation because the anxiety got unreal(all of my childhood ocd had built up to that agonizing point), as well as closing, locking, then unlocking, then re-locking doors multiple times to make sure so no intruder has a possibility to push the door in, not to mention gender & polite ocd thinking I have to open doors for anyone & everyone and pay for every thing even as a woman not allowing others to spot me, also repeatedly saying “I’m Sorry” & “Thank You” within no reason whatsoever, and so much more. I find it hard to express what I’ve written in the paragraph above because it’s hard to admit. It can be embarrassing 😳 especially to society and the people around. They might think I’m weird or crazy for doing these things, and so I had found ways to mask to keep myself and themselves comfortable, making outcomes of experiences easier to accept. That is so tiring to keep up with so… I’m ready for change. I’m ready to choose better. Looking towards better days. Days that I don’t have to rely on temptations that don’t help at all. Ocd can be difficult, especially on children who don’t know what’s happening. I assume I have trauma induced ocd to feel control over other things in my personal life that I could control, but this control mindset never made me feel whole like I’d wish. Rather it made me feel stuck in that endless void of having to reassure myself to feel present and okay. Accepting the Isness of All will lead the way. Everything is okay, and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end… just the beninging🫶🏼🙏🏼 I Love You❤️ You are such a beautiful being with great strength, proclivity, and intuition. It’s time to focus the energy we put into our compulsions into the things we actually Love to do & the person we Love Being. Thank You For Staying🫀 Thank You For Being 🙏🏼 For If You Hadn’t, I Wouldn’t Have Recognized The Divineness That You Are. 1 of 1

i’ve been scared of going out to new places because i’m scared of dissociating and having anxiety- im obsessive over the thought of becoming anxious so i avoid anything that can possibly make me anxious and i’m missing out on key parts in my life- like making memories with my partner, going out to new places, being outside on beautiful days, losing money from calling out of work, and canceling on important plans due to me avoiding this anxiety i’m obsessed with keeping away. it’s a brutal process. i feel crippled and stuck inside at all times.

Hey everyone hope everyone is having a good day, just on here to see if anyone can give me some tips and tricks on how to do effective ERP, I am ready to take my life back from this mental illness, and just wondering if someone can give me some tips Hope everyone is thriving today!!

I noticed ocd is about having intrusive thoughts. But does OCD come in any other way? If so can y’all give me examples?

Anyone else struggle with this theme? I feel like I’m going crazy Anyone give me any advice?

Myself and my family must take showers when they come in the house. I have to clean everything that is brought into my house including groceries. My anxiety makes me ill when people come into my home. I spent a lot of my childhood in isolation in the hospital for staff infection from knee surgery. My first husband was in a car accident and sustained head trama. He gradually became abusive. That is when my OCD became almost debilitating. After divorcing him, starting therapy, and starting Luvox, it switched off like a light switch. My life was almost normal until our second child, our daughter, was born with CHARGE Syndrome and passed away due to an infection inside her stomach from her G-button. I feel like I should have been able to protect her from getting infections. My OCD returned with a vengeance. Even with medication, it's been 24 years and I'm still plagued with my OCD. My children are grown now, but I know my OCD caused much trouble for them since I couldn't handle having their friend in my house. I feared they might get sick from germs and bacteria and I might lose them too. My husband has been a rock for me, but I know it has affected him and made life very difficult fur him too. I just want it to go away so I can be normal and live a normal life.

I am feeling very calm I am on zoloft almost 2 months and I think that it works..my muscle are little tired but I don't care Do you think that I will se a bigger improvement?

Hello! I have been in a relationship for 8 years with my boyfriend, and I am trying to figure out why I am getting these obsessive thoughts about my boyfriend, and I am trying to learn how to not let them rule my life and my relationships. Because they are. I have a million thoughts a minute when I get annoyed by something he does. Oh where to begin! I have crippling OCD (and have had it since age 7), and it has always affected the relationships that I have in my life. ESPECIALLY my romantic relationships. Does anyone have any advice on the intrusive thoughts that are pounding in your mind when you are in your relationship? Thoughts such as: is he the one? Does he love me? Do I love him? Is there someone better? Is there a more perfect person? (This specific thought it toxic bc there is no such thing as a perfect man.) I also tend to focus on the negative. For example: things he does wrong, things he could do better. I want to think positive: focus on the amazing things about him, his amazing qualities. But my mind does not let me go there sometimes. It’s ruining me. I’m too focused on the future as well. These thoughts are making me almost resent my boyfriend… and 99.9% of these thoughts aren’t true at all and they are not making my life easy and it’s really effecting me. Thank you guys!

Good evening my amazing fellow OCDieties. Wanted to reach out and ask a few questions and if ppl would like to share their experiences that be great but if not and just want to read and see others’ that’s just fine too. 1) when you find peace during our OCD what does it feel like to you? Does it make you want to do anything? 2) even non-OCD ppl experience loneliness and depression and destructive rage. Do you feel more isolated you think than them? Do you feel like no one understand you? If so do you think it’s because of your OCD or you as an individual. 3) what’s your aspirations in this world? What amps you up (even if it’s fleeting) about life? What motivates you to overcome OCD? My responses 1) it feels like pure bliss. Honestly experiencing OCD at such a young age and getting this peace just showered over my body and I literally do not have a care in the world. Everything is perfect because this peace is absolutely amazing and I will never take it for granted. It makes me just enjoy EVERYTHING. I have limitless energy and it just makes me want to be in the world expressing me 2) I have felt lonely for along time. Not that I’ve ever been one but definitely lonely. Always black sheepin’. I don’t believe it’s because of my OCD however it definitely hasn’t helped. I do believe some of my thought patterns and ruminating has been a gift of great power but one I was never in control of. Not along have I searched for knowledge and reassurance because of my OCD it has made me learn so much of the world. Personally I always loved learning so my OCD for me is like an extension of myself in a less controlled beneficial form. It has greatly amplified my compassion, understanding, and kindness towards others and idk who’s I be without that. The whole “what if this happened or what if they think this or that or did that even happen” was all glimpses for me of how big my world is and how much I wanted to step up and understand it and be a part of it. 3) I want to impact ppl. Not necessarily world wide or even country or state. I just want to be a difference for ppl. I want to be a hero. I want to be able to bring something to this world for others. Because without anyone else in this world even if I have never had any issues I would remain lonely. I didn’t build my apartment, my car, I didn’t give birth to my family, friends, make the amazing food that I love until I had for the first time. All these things were done by those who came before and those are here now. I just want to give back. Being there for someone even if it’s a random conversation with a stranger. Just being some light amps me up for how many ppl were and are a light for me. I’m Motivated to be a healthy stronger version of myself so I can give back more and not be halted and get in the way of myself anymore. So I can be there/here in this world and give the world me. Thanks for reading