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I can’t believe I’m writing this, I feel I’m starting to get attracted to children, I don’t believe I’m writing this, what shall I do

Ever have the feeling of “I’m never getting better, I might as well quit if OCD is gonna be with me forever, louder and bigger than me or not.”And in turn, you sit in that feeling of sadness and failure yet in a way it’s comforting cause you don’t have to do anything anymore? That’s me right now. I hit these moments of giving up or losing faith in myself often. I get back up one day, I know I will and can…but when I do, sometimes I feel like a fraud. As if I’m tying to convince or gaslight myself it’ll get better when I can’t really see much change myself. And if there is change, it doesn’t last long. You gotta keep practicing it as techniques start working but for some reason I slip up and ruin the progress and process each time. I go back to the compulsions, I go back to letting the intrusive thoughts make me feel awful and afraid to do anything, I go back to hating myself, my brain, and my life. There’s a strange comforting feeling in quitting and doing nothing, somehow though. I’m not sure why, exactly. I guess it’s familiarity after leaving that old routine? Maybe just not trying and hurting my brain is why it feels toxically nice. I’m not sure.. I don’t really need advice but I welcome it. But I would like to know if I’m not alone in this?

People make it sound like with partner focused ROCD, the flaws you obsess about aren’t actually real or legitimate, they’re just in your head, but is it also normal to focus on flaws that do actually exist? Like recently I’ve been super obsessed over my bf’s occasionally whiny voice, whether he means it to be whiny or not. And it’s a real thing that I have physically witnessed, it’s not just in my head, and I can’t stop obsessing over it. It feels harder to try and get over when I know it’s a real thing, not just something I’m making up. I keep wanting to not feel this way but I’m worried it will never happen because the things I’m obsessing about aren’t always in my head, they’re physically being played out in front of me, and I can’t make that change. I’m scared.

This is going to be a longer post so hats off to the ones who take time to read it, luv you besties 🫶 So I’ve been struggling for the past 6 months or so with what I hope is ROCD, though I don’t know for sure because I’m not diagnosed. I really struggle sometimes because my bf is a little weird, I’m willing to fully admit that. He’s just a little hyper and goofy and different from other guys, which can be really great at times, because he doesn’t take himself so seriously that he isn’t willing to have fun, he’s willing to be open with his emotions, and he isn’t easily uncomfortable or embarrassed, and I’m not like that. I get nit-picky about those behaviours as times, but I just like to rationalize it by calling it his golden retriever energy, which I think is a cute way of looking at it. But he’s also awkward at times, there are times where he does something super weird or cringy or irritating and I can’t stop thinking about it, playing it over in my head, and it bugs me so much, and I try to rationalize it but I can’t. One thing I really struggle with, is his voice. For example, yesterday I hung out with him, and we were talking, and I was about to say something but stopped myself half way through the sentence because it was a secret I didn’t want to give away, and then he started sounding really whiny as he said “you can’t do that” “why won’t you tell me” or something like that. And it wasn’t like angry whiny, it was a little more lighthearted, but I don’t think he was being ironic or jokingly whiny, I think it was genuinely him just sounding whiny, and then all of a sudden mid sentence he cut back to a regular voice. It made the whole thing just sound really cringy and not very masculine, like he was poorly acting, but I know he wasn’t, it was all genuine, just really cringey. And I can’t stop playing it over and over in my head, trying to make sense of it, trying to make myself feel better about the whole situation rather than uncomfortable. I do that with a lot of things that he does tho, even normal things, but I especially have a hard time with his voice and his vocal inflections and idiosyncrasies and the way he sounds in certain situations, literally every little thing. I obsess over whether he sounds/acts masculine enough and normal enough, I keep picking apart every time he sounds whiny, whether he’s actually whining or not, sometimes his voice just sounds whiny because he has a higher pitched voice and he can’t really change it. I pick apart his voice when he laughs about something, or when he sounds excited or happy. I pick apart his voice when he tells stories. I can’t stop, and it makes it super difficult to be present in conversations. Idk if it’s ROCD, because he does genuinely do odd things that make me cringy and bug me from time to time, sometimes even things that are a bit of a turn off, but I think I get so carried away that it becomes way bigger than it needs to be. Is it ok, even if I didn’t have ROCD, to find things that he does weird, cringy, annoying, a turn off, etc? Sometimes it genuinely feels like the “ick” (I hate that term so much). Is it normal, even in regular relationships, to experience this “ick” feeling? Everyone seems to say that when you like someone, nothing they do is weird or cringy to you, you never get the ick, and if you do then it’s times to move on. But I’ve also heard others say that it’s not about them being perfect or not having any Icks at all, it’s about loving them enough to look past the Icks and not focus on the cringy things they do. Is this true? If so, then how can I do this? The other day he told me he loves being with me because he feels like he can genuinely be himself without judgement, but little does he know that all my brain is ever doing is picking him apart and judging everything he says or does, and that’s not fair to him. He is such an amazing person, and he deserves so much better than me.

Today my anxiety is really high. I suffer from hit and run OCD and harm OCD. I started my first session today I’m excited to work on getting better I have been feeling alone for quite some time Is anyone out there from Philadelphia or near Philadelphia?

So I've started having obsessive thoughts about my mom's sexual orientation too. I think that she's not straight, I've noticed many times that she admires beautiful women a lot.. like a lot which I find a bit weird (I don't know if it's because of my hocd) but I've started having doubts about her orientation too, I feel the urge many times to ask her out that whether she's into women or not, I feel this urge to tell her about LGBTQ stuff to see her response (she don't know properly about LGBTQ coz this is a taboo in my country and only younger generation knows and aware about such stuff).. I've always have urges to ask her about her sexuality, I know it's weird but this is what my HOCD wants me to do. She still in touch with her school's best friend and I've doubts that she might have done something with her best friend in the past as she studied in girls school. I reassure myself that "no, she might just admiring the beauty of women etc" but the obsessive thoughts about my mom's sexuality give me urges to yell at her that's she's not straight or ask her out. You might be thinking that why do I care about her orientation but if I get to know that she isn't straight then I can't able accept myself as a straight girl coz according to my brain, a bisexual woman can't have straight daughter.. Idk but it is what it is..😔

I’ve struggled terribly with the fear of going into a psychosis or hallucinating. Sometimes I’m able to work through the fear and tell myself “if I’m hallucinating then I’m just hallucinating. It’s okay.” Or “Maybe I will go crazy.” But if I see something out of the corner of my eye or hear something I’m immediately triggered. I feel like I’m constantly seeing things out of my peripheral vision and I don’t know if I truly am hallucinating or if since I’m struggling with the fear I’m just subconsciously paying attention to the things happening around me. Has anyone else dealt with this? I’m just struggling because if I am hallucinating then I’d obviously want to be institutionalized, but I don’t know if my mind is tricking me or not. Please help if you’ve dealt with this.

Hey guys I’m really scared of loosing touch with the reality.. I’m scared that everything around me is not real or objects that’s something else than what it really is.. can anyone relate?

Hello are there many other older OCD people on here? Like 50’s or 60’s?? I was diagnosed in the 1989 when not much was known at all about OCD, the docs said you just have to take pills there was no therapy. Anyone else? I did get some knowledge with books and that’s all I ever had to lead me when there was no internet. I just can’t believe all the support out there today! That’s great! Can anyone else relate and how did you cope back then and what helped you? Thanks

Can thoughts or this disorder makes you want to have the intrusive thoughts to happen even when you don't and it becomes a confusing mess? Because I'm dealing with that rn and it's hard to manage.

Is making a plan how you will tell your partner it’s over a compulsion?

Hey!! I have health OCD wondering what everyone else struggles with and how you cope with things? Just seeing if there are similar story’s out there! 😊

So I’ve been doing really REALLY WELL with pocd. I’ve been going places, to the beach, seeing kids in swimsuits and stuff really extreme things for people with ocd. And I’ve managed to do super well, sure something would pop up but I’d ignore it. So I’ve been doing super well ignoring it. Little minor flare ups here and there but yesterday my brain could not bare it. I somehow found myself in Steven seagulls Instagram where he visited a tribe in Venezuela and he had a picture of kids and the first time I saw it I didn’t really make a big deal of it but my brain kept having me go back to “test” of I can do this forever without something popping up. Eventually my brain attached to what I think is a little girl in the front but she was not wearing a shirt and I noticed it and I said “nah that’s a little boy” and obviously “but what if it’s a girl” so I checked again and sure enough it was a girl and you can see where I guess you can see where she’s starting to form up there just a tad and that did not sit with me. So next thing you know I’m compulsing by going back and looking at the picture multiple times so I did that but that made it worse cause at some point a part of me felt like I wanted to see it, like false attraction. And I’ve had moments like that before and was able to get around it but is it hard this time. And this whole night it’s been on my mind even when I’m sleeping, I just feel like a criminal, I feel like this ped****** 😞. I was doing so well these past few weeks and now I feel like all that hard work just went down the drain.

I have intrusive thoughts in my mind practically every minute of my life. I exhaust myself fighting them. I dread the night. I cannot sleep . Most evenings I lay awake trying to distract my mind until the sun comes up. I am so very tired. I had OCD since I was a child. But back then I didn't think anything of it because I didn't know that something was wrong. I went to a doctor once. He prescribed medication that made me feel like a walking zombie and even that didn't work 100%.

I come home and my partner is waiting for me asking how my day is watching just general chatting and I’m annoyed, that they’re waiting for me. Probably a trigger from a previous relationship. Why can’t they just get on with something? Why do they need me? Then I start to panic and think oh God now I don’t like them. I’d rather be on my own. Should I tell them how I feel or is that confessing? Start over analyze start to think I can’t be in this relationship. Start to think I’m a bad person start to think I’m never gonna be able to have a relationship if i have thoughts like this. Is this just another OCD moment? If so what ERP can I do?

So I saw a knife in the kitchen two days ago and my anxiety went off the charts. And my brain is now saying I might do something to my mom. What the hell is going on with me? And now I feel scared, worried and don’t even want to be in the kitchen. So sone help me. What is this abs what do I do??

I’m exhausted and feel alone with my ocd. I’ve had it for 17 years and still feel like I need to beat it but I’m never going to get to that point and then if I’m starting to get better it feels unsettling. Can anyone relate? 💜

I have a list of people I’ve “raped” or atleast think I’ve raped and it includes children back from when I was a childcare teacher and it’s killing me, i have these memories of these things happening and these flashbacks of maybe me hurting someone and I can’t tell what’s real and what my brain is making up. It physically hurts me to think I might’ve done these things and I can’t live with myself

How do you all handle feelings of isolation? I feel so alone in this and I feel like I will never have a friend or partner that I can really truly talk about everything with.

I want to move on from my past relationship but can't shake it. Everything reminds me of her, and I know I didn't do my best to facilitate the "best" possible relationship. I need to take accountability; however, my life revolves around her. And there's nothing wrong with that because I love her. And I know she's moved on. I have been stuck in the past and still am. I play music sometimes which reminds me of her, and I am filled with joy. I guess I just need to stop. We can all push forward and realise that we are capable. (I say this but I almost contribute nothing to my family). (I have everything). I feel as if she is me and I am her because we are. (Or were. That is a very irresponsible and disrespectful connotation for me I feel not anyone else). I'm so selfish. The last message she sent to me was very respectful, but I continued to pursue her. And it poisons my mind. I understand that there is nothing wrong with love, but is this love or obsession? I've written an entire story dedicated to her but it still feels wrong. Again, I must stop. However, it feels like I cannot. Feelings do not represent the entirety of the situation. I feel lost, but I am not lost. (We are never lost). My father also molested me when I was younger and I feel as if I am the issue with everything. (In the context of my previous relationship I was). I have a sort of saviour complex, but I just need to let her go if I really love her. And me (If anyone is experiencing the same issue or has then I am here to tell you that it is okay). (Your thoughts do not define you, only actions). And by acting like a saviour I become nothing more than a pebble. (Pebbles are good). I am attempting to become my "true" and "authentic" self but feel so fake. I was extremely irresponsible in not thinking when getting my previous relationship. I also gave attention to another girl and I also feel (as I should) horrible. But we're worthy even if we don't think we push forward into the future. My relationship with my family, in my childhood, (Not representative of now) deeply effects me. Everyone is here for the first time, so we must consider everyone. And what my dad did to me was not justifiable. I have to forgive myself, ultimately, for what I did in my previous relationship in order to grow. I am growing. We all are growing. There is hope and light for everyone. I attempting to stay true to my self, but every day is a reminder that I don't really love myself. If I loved myself I would be perfect. (No one is perfect, and I am not perfect). I miss Lauren so much. But I know she is thriving. And I feel like the victim but I'm not. I feel as if she owes me something when she doesn't owe me anything. Not very often "consciously" but subconsciously I think I am a bad person. Which I am. There is no excuse or pity party event that will absolve me. And I embrace that fact. She is so strong. And I'll always admire her. I do not want to be absolved. I am a toxic person. And I always will carry this burden.( But there is nothing wrong with Acknowledging your faults). I just feel if I do one thing wrong, which everyone does things wrong, I will end up being supremely horrible. And I am horrible. (No one is horrible we are all human). I am full of contradictions. We all are, but I feel as if I am the only one. (I know I am not). I wish I wasn't so toxic. And I know wishing won't solve my issues. She was my sun. And she was never "mine," Which I thought. Possession is not love. Neglect is not love. Selfishness is not love. After we broke up, I could barely sleep. And I kept having sleep paralysis. I could literally feel my heart bursting out of my chest when I tried to go to sleep. (I am alright now and know that I am loved by myself). But I am not really okay. I always attempt to humble myself and it's working so far, but it's also not. I guess that's part of the process. There is only me. And I cannot blame anything on anyone, nor do I blame anyone. I am responsible for what I did. And I really want her back. But I know that is not the right thing. I am lost. (Or I feel like it). Always. (My love for Lauren). (I am deeply disgusted by my previous wanting of another woman. I never pursued anything, but I still feel guilty and I shouldn't). But I do feel guilty. We were both not ready for a relationship, I suppose. I must love my self. (I apologize for the grammatical errors).