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the NOCD Community

Since I was a kid, I have suffered with counting and even numbers to try to answer hypothetical situations in my head. “If the time is even, this person hates me” and vice versa. It came to a point, in conjunction with my panic disorder, where in mental health in-patient treatment they had to take down all the clocks. Then came the excessive planning and organization. I plan everything down to the minute. When things go wrong or off the plan I have what my then therapist referred to as a “sh!t fit.” I have tried numerous medications for my OCD, yet, somehow, my body always had an adverse reaction one way or another. I.e. serotonin syndrome, neuroleptic malignant syndrome, etc. The anxiety and panic that came with my OCD played heavily in my drug addiction. Calculating the exact number of pills, dosages, and combinations to help ease my anxiety and hyper-fixations. At extreme points, using pills to sleep away the pain and thoughts that things will not get better. It put me into a spiral of drug addiction. With the hyper fixation off from time and planning turning into the fixation on drugs and medicine. It put me through a whole other spiral. I had a therapist tell me that OCD is one of the three ways that anxiety can form. The other two being GAD and Panic disorder. As someone who has suffered with anxiety their entire life, I was glad to receive my diagnosis’s as an adult when I thought the world was falling apart. It gave me a sense of clarity. However, going back to my prior statement on the hyper fixation of prescription drugs and medicine, I thought the pills would be the answer. That was not the case. In fact, it was far from the truth. Yes, the drugs and the psychiatric services helped tremendously, but I have never seen a therapist or psychologist to receive one on one prior to in-patient mental health residential treatment. Most recently in September I had to be placed on a psychiatric hold and placed into an in-unit psych unit at the hospital for an attempt to end my life as my OCD was not getting “better.” My diagnosis’s upon leaving the psych unit was “Suicide attempt w/ OCD.” I am proud to say that upon receiving in-patient residential services for my duel diagnosis (Sedative, hypnotic, anxiolytic abuse and OCD), I have finally found a sense of clarity that things would get better. I hope that doesn’t change or go downhill. I accepted it and I know the diagnosis’s won’t go away, but I hope that life starts changing for the better. Thank you guys for sharing their stories on this app to give me hope that I am not alone.

Hello! (I’ve already been diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression w/ taking meds for it) Lately I’ve been in a period in my life where I’ve been seeking help and advice on different aspects of my life. Lately, I’ve had peers and friends tell me that they have noticed me engaging in tendencies that are most similar with OCD and ADHD. I tried to talk to my therapist about these concerns and he seemed to try to shut it down without hearing me out. One of his points was about organizing and cleaning which is someone I do in spaces where I’m aware that I’m in control of but he said there’s no way I could have OCD or I would be cleaning the entire room where we meet at. To me this just seemed to be the stereotype of OCD and everything you would see on the screen instead of actually having knowledgeable insight on the topic. I told him some of my different tendencies as examples such as: - Applying my deodorant 10 times to each arm everyday - The volume has to end in an even number, or a 5, and it will typically stay at 20 - In my work setting, all of the objects and things have a space and if someone doesn’t put it back where I had it or doesn’t clean up or even leaves a mess out and doesn’t clean it up right away, I get very frustrated and will immediately clean it up myself. - A couple more as well. There were other types of OCD I was not aware about before downloading and jumping onto this app, so there might be more tendencies I do that I don’t notice because it’s not what I know about OCD yet. I’ve looked at the DSM-5 and it seemed to me that I would meet the criteria, I’ve taken the “online quiz” that had wording straight from the DSM-5. But I’ve had multiple people tell me about these issues and some of them have been diagnosed with OCD. Would you all say I had OCD or at least look for a new therapist since it felt weird when I got shut down without being heard out until I pushed the conversation and wouldn’t drop it until we talked about it?

In last few days I truly realized how pathetic I am, I need permission of completly random people just to live. I feel like I cant have my own opinion because it has to be wrong, or my opinion is affected by some sort of oppresing minorities. I dont have any kind of self esteem, Im just filled with shame. I dont feel anything more than shame for simply existing, all I want is to be reminded over and over again that Im allowed to be. I found out how much of a perfectionist and control freak I truly am, as well as how did white and black thinking affected me, and spoiler alert, it's the root of all of my problems. I've noticed that I dont feel guilt for my thoughts, I dont feel this emotional type of empathy or remorse, every single one of these feelings is just covered by a thick layer of shame. I dont want to be like this, I cannot keep on living if all I ever feel is shame, all I ever think of is "what would this group of people say about me" "what would they say about me" tho I never ever cared about it before. I think Im in some sort of depressive episode, since it lasts already for about a month, but it was like 5 days ago that it got so bad I have hardships with basic functioning. I also havent been leaving my house in about a month except for going out with trash once, I've lost all of my motivation, I no longer have any kind of future before me. I have an I.T exam today, I did and learnt nothing, I just no longer have a reason for why should I do it, it's all meaningless anyway. Im barely 14 and I feel like Im already a 50 year old man with middle age crisis, at least I still have my special interest, but it's also getting taken away by my ocd. Ocd ruined me and left nothing behind, Im a shell of who I was before this hell started. Now I think Im going to ask my dad about the I.T exam and hope that I'll pass it

Last night I was staying at my boyfriend’s house and couldn’t sleep. I felt like i desperately needed to go back to my parents and clean and organize my room. This has happened a few times before when I was staying at his place. Since then he’s been very upset with me. Does anyone else’s partner do this? Any advice? It’s been hard. He’s made me feel so shameful for having OCD. As if it’s not tough enough /:

Hello there everybody. I am just posting to ramble about my feelings, and to get some advice from people that might understand. This is going to be talking about a mixture of things between the subcategories mentioned above, including stories about intimacy.. Please do not read forward if that makes you uncomfortable. To make an extremely long story shorter, I am very particular with how I like my dorm room to look. I also have come up with a routine that helps me with the basic things- brushing my teeth, getting my clothes out for the next day, scheduled deep clean and laundry days, etc. even with a jam packed schedule of 3 jobs and 5 classes, this routine always worked for me, even if I had to switch around a laundry day. Usually, I deep clean my room twice a week, and do laundry once or twice a week. This has worked for 3 years already, and this is my 4th year in school. During the 2nd week of school, me and a girl from school started to date. She is the TOTAL opposite of me- she is a really big hoarder (and she gets mad at me when I tell her how it is.) and she is extremely used to living in what she calls “organized chaos.” She pretty much uhaled the situation - she pretty much moved into my dorm. (Mind you, she has SO much stuff in her room, and it’s extremely messy. So she brought things over to my room to “store”.) this naturally made me really.. uncomfortable. Because I got so used to my routine and having my belongings where they were. It really caused me to spiral this semester and I keep trying to bring it up and have a conversation about it, and it feels like she completely disregards my feelings. It’s starting to really mess with me and I’m unsure what to do. As messed up as this sounds, she also has very narsasistic and codependent tendsncies.. it’s usually her way or the highway. I am the opposite. I am independent, but deeply care about those around me and their thoughts and feelings. I feel like I ask her for one thing, and that’s to respect my space, and it feels like it’s shrugged off over a shoulder. Now for a different story. This woman is the person I lost my.. “V card” to, if you will, and we’ve explored lots of situations in bed. During our intimate times, with my permission cause we wanted to experiment, she began to treat me like a “sissy.” (Basically, if you’re not aware, a boy that acts feminine, dresses feminine, etc.) and this sort of started causing my dysphoria to spiral.. but in other instances I really like it? She also would make jokes about how “we’re a lesbian couple.” And those made me spiral as well.. I just want some advice and tips on what to do. I feel.. very stuck right now. Idk what to do. any tips or conversation is greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking time out of your schedule to read this and allow me to express my feelings.

My mom just admitted to me today that she and my dad always thought I didn't interact with my classmates because I simply didn't want to. Back then, they would yell at me on the daily and tell me I was acting snobbish when I "ignored" my peers (which refers to speaking to them really quietly or sitting away from them). And apparently, I would clam up when my parents asked me why I did what I did. This came up today because I was expressing to her that I wish they had gotten me professional help while I was a child, because it had to have been obvious that something was wrong with me. I had severe social anxiety, and I was deathly afraid of my classmates from the age of 7 up till today (I don't remember life before 7). My social anxiety has severely impacted my life. I am an adult who has never made a single friend. I don't know what it's like to have them. All I know is a profound loneliness in life, and the depression this causes. As a college student, I am faced daily with the fact that I have no one to turn to in good times and bad. Outside of my parents, no one would notice if I disappeared one day. This ties into OCD because it makes me realize that maybe they also never noticed that? Maybe they didn't notice how I would line things up over and over again, how much distress it caused me to be the way that I was. Maybe that's why they just thought I was a perfectionist. Maybe they thought I would do the weird things I did because I was just being a child, and not because I was engaging in rituals fueled by anxiety. Maybe they thought my room was messy or I would leave my clothes on the bed instead of hanging them up because I was just being lazy, and not because I was so obsessed with cleaning it a certain way (it was a mix of "just right" and order and symmetry subtypes - I won't get into the specifics) that I became overwhelmed and paralyzed by it, because cleaning just one object would take me an hour. I guess... I always assumed that people are far more perceptive than they actually are. I thought they noticed and just didn't care. I still don't quite understand it, though. My teachers must have noticed that I was completely shut off from my peers, right? That I was completely socially isolated? Maybe they also thought I was just being snobbish and didn't like my classmates? But of course, part of my social anxiety is that I struggle so much to speak my mind. So I don't know how you can expect a child with what is essentially selective mutism (I believe that's what I had at the time, in addition to social anxiety) to be able to articulate the issue. It's not like I understood it myself. After feeling like an alien for my whole life, I finally looked up my symptoms at the age of 14, and "social anxiety" popped up as a potential diagnosis. It was a profound revelation at the time, although it feels so small in hindsight. After being called shy my whole life, I finally had something telling me that that's not what shyness is, that my problems were legitimate. Didn't help in the end since I still didn't get help even after telling my parents. I must sound so bitter, but's easy to judge when you've had time to grow as a person through interactions with others. But think about it. I wasn't socialized. The only people I have interacted with on a semi-regular basis in life are my immediate family members. I don't even know how one articulates their feeling in a way that would evoke compassion from others, rather than pity (which feels belittling) or scorn. I just wish that someone would care. But no one has an obligation to. If you read this far, thank you.

My major theme with ocd is contamination and that's mainly what I focus on with my psychiatrist but now I'm starting to wonder if the stuff I dealt with in the past that I dismissed where actually just ocd so someone pls tell me. - I used to have a thing with days having certain colours or 'vibes' and having to eat specific foods on certain days in 2021. An example is monday is red green warm colours and I can eat rice on Mondays but not Tuesdays. This wasn't a huge problem because I'm privileged enough to be able to choose what I eat so like I mostly just followed everything I thought because it felt write. I have a few things with food that are hard to explain. - everyday after school for months I would do a mental play by play of everything that happened that day and everything I said, every little bad joke or slightly loud laugh or almost rude comment I made and I would play it over and over in my head until I could make myself okay with it or parts of it and I would worry about it all night if I couldn't make it okay. This was every day and just mental stuff like I didn't do any actions except maybe sometimes I would text my friends and remind them and then ask them if what I said or how I acted was weird. But I wasn't doing anything like objectively bad I was just anxious. This was in 2023 (did not tell my psychiatrist this) -at the very beginning of 2024/christmas of 2023 I started having a problem with books and audio books which was very distressing because I've loved reading novels since I was 10 and it became like an actual thing that made me anxious. Like is started thinking I wasn't comprehending the words right or I would think I read something wrong even tho most times I didn't and it would usually be a small mix up.like if I thought it said blue instead of red and I would freak out and reread paragraphs over and over again and became super scared that i couldn't read which like fueled me being more anxious about it when.i tried to so I stopped reading books for months because it stopped being fun. Same with audio books like I would go back 15 seconds if I thought I misheard just one word and it didn't matter that 90% of the time I heard it right, that 10% is enough to make me feel like shit. (I mentioned the books stuff to my psychiatrist but not in much detail but she did agree that it is part of ocd) -more recently with social media and unimportant and feels silly but I have to do things in order like like the video then like the comments then save the video to favourites and if I did it wrong I will undo everything and do it again and sometimes I'm scared I didn't save the video right even when I stared at my finger do it so I go back and do it. I am pretty sure this is ovd but I never resist the compulsions because it's so easy and such a quick thing that solves the immediate anxiety I get about it also I will not be me mentioning this to the doc becuase I don't want her to think I'm silly. -minor minor possible harm ocd?? I sometimes get strong urges to hurt myself in like unrealistic ways that I can't imagine telling anyone like I used to self harm but this is like things that I can't do like smashing my head or stabbing myself and I know it's intrusive because I don't want that but it makes me super uncomfortable and like I need to do it. It only happens once in a while so not as frequent and only when I'm bored or overwhelmed.

My OCD has me feeling suicidal. I don’t have suicidal OCD (if that’s a thing) but I have lived with OCD my entire life, it’s gotten so bad that it is unbearable. I have just right OCD, and the constant feeling of things needing to “feel right” is eating me up inside. I don’t want to live this way. Even when I try to live with discomfort, I physically cannot. My head will actually hurt until I get things to point of feeling right. It’s to the point where I feel as though my brain chemistry has been altered. When I do follow through with a compulsion, I’ll sometimes have dreams of those obsessions and it’s so scary. I don’t know what to do. I want to live. I want to be happy and healthy. But this OCD is really making that tremendously difficult. I can’t do anything for myself, nor be a support for those around me, and whom I love. I don’t know what to do anymore😞😔💔💔💔

Hi there - first time poster. I am still in the process of getting diagnosed with OCD but feel I have it or am at least experiencing symptoms. I also have generalized anxiety disorder, and worry a lot about finances, change, the world, if I’m doing ‘enough’. I try to manage this with radical acceptance, mindfulness, coping skills, but I’m realizing some things I thought were healthy and normal are not as healthy or normal as I thought. Like having a bunch of spreadsheets to keep track of things and checking them multiple times a day. I get praised for being super organized but I feel it is a symptom of OCD and/or anxiety, and I’m struggling with coming to terms with things I used to be very proud of actually being potentially harmful. For example, being proud of discipline, motivation to be ‘my best self’ and staying organized, when in reality all of these habits seem based on feeling ashamed of who I am, scared I’ll ‘miss’ something without organization, and feeling I need to be productive and perfect at all times. Anyways, my question is - do others relate in certain ways? What has helped you if you can related?

Good Morning everyone ☀️. I’ve been in ERP therapy with NOCD for 2+ years, and I’m sharing my journey for anyone that may feel alone or is considering therapy. I’m in my 30s, and I was diagnosed in 2022, after a talk therapist I was seeing suggested I talk to a psychiatrist to be screened for OCD. Truthfully, I suspected I had OCD for a long time, but I was “managing” it so I didn’t seek help. Then the pandemic hit, and my mental health hit rock bottom. I worked with one talk therapist (who wasn’t helpful), switched to a new one, then ultimately was diagnosed and referred to NOCD. My biggest theme that I struggled with for years was emotional contamination. I could not handle being around a family member, because I was scared their personality or energy would contaminate me, and I would turn in to that person. I avoided allowing them in my apartment, if I thought about them when I was in the bathroom or washing dishes, I felt dirty and had to do compulsions to be “safe.” Spoiler alert, your OCD doesn’t actually keep you safe, even though it feels like it. I also struggled with driving, perfectionism, just right OCD, and intrusive sexual thoughts about a different family member. So, I started weekly therapy sessions, and I struggled a lot during the first year. ERP is hard. You’re essentially re-wiring your brain to change your thought patterns. Confronting years of fears, while also navigating an abusive relationship, took all of the mental energy I had. Then time went on, and I made it through my first year of therapy. I felt a little better. Then, I started going to NOCD support groups. I started to practice self-compassion, I shared my story and heard others share their struggles and wins. I finally started to see, feel, and acknowledge my progress. By year 2, I finally felt stronger. Now, my sessions are down to once a month. I have my conqueror status. My exposures are a lot easier to work through because I did the hard work early on. It feels over simplified, to summarize my journey this way. I could probably talk for hours about ERP. But I want to emphasize how ERP saved my life. As I said, I was having a hard time in the beginning. But now, life is so much better. Taking the first step to reach out to NOCD led me to where I am now, and I am so grateful I chose myself by starting ERP. I can drive long distances on the freeway without panicking. I can drive at night, in the rain. My whole world has opened up because I’m not limited on where I can go. My relationship with the family member I avoided improved greatly. I am sad to say she passed away unexpectedly this summer. But I reclaimed all the time I had with her from my OCD. I can tolerate not being perfect, or doing things that aren’t “just right.” When I have a setback, I bounce back a lot quicker than I have before. I’ll have the most bizarre thoughts, but I can let them go a lot easier than before. I still have struggles. I still cry when I feel overwhelmed or stuck. But overall, my life is mine again. OCD doesn’t go away. But going from giving in to compulsions over and over again, and avoiding living out of fear—to having my life be mine again, is the best gift I gave myself. Do I wish the work was easier? Yes. Would I wish this disorder on anyone? No. But if you are considering therapy, I urge you to take that as a sign that you want to get better. And I promise that whatever your OCD stops you from doing now, you can take it back with a vengeance. If you have questions, I’m happy to share more if it will help you. If you want support, I’m here too.

Hi I kept seeing this app on repeat on TikTok over and over and I thought I give it a shot. I have never been diagnosed with OCD but I know that I have it. I’m a young adult and I found out the first time I had OCD was watching lelelons truth video? I was 14 at the time She had to resist sitting back down in a chair after her having sat down she started having a mental break down when she was told to resist. That’s when I knew. It started with myself going up and down a staircase twice buckling unbuckling my seat belt everytime I’m in the car ect I have always been super anti social but trying my best I can socialize but my mind wants to make it sexual with family and friends ughhhh I hate it because that’s not me when I graduated thoughts of hurting my loved ones corrupted my mind I broke down outside of church one time asking if this was really me or not i question if I’m a good enough friend or person in this world to begin with thinking everyone is judging me so so close how can I make this situation better did I do something wrong I struggle with depression as well not to bad but it’s there I come from a loving family but broken as well i believe in god and my OCD makes me go often he’s not real that stuff isn’t real no one is there to save you the list goes on. Anyway I struggle a lot and I really hope that this will help me because I feel extremely hopeless. Lucky for me I do have the ability to seek therapy and I am excited. The only person I ever tell my thoughts to is God no other human has heard so I’m really really hoping this helps me out if your reading this thank you it means a lot because this is my first time ever admitting all this it’s a lot to take in I know and I hope you are ok and that you have a great night and know that we got this

I really don’t know nothing much about OCD but I’ve experienced some symptoms over the last few months of knowing about it and the last few symptoms I’ve had where I would get out of bed and I would like right before I get to school or get out of the door sometimes light switch and like press it so many times and I would say my loved ones name so many times to make sure I feel like it’s right I feel like they’re gonna die or drowned and it makes me feel like they’re gonna get hurt and I always feel like my mind gonna turn off or like anytime I feel like I need to switch something off or you know or close the door or putting on my shoes or putting my coat it always makes me feel like I have to redo everything or taking out the trash like I always think about them like my partner, my sibling, my mother, my siblings, brother, my mother’s boyfriend I would always think Like one of my doing why why am I saying like why am I thinking these things? Why am I thinking that my partner is gonna drowned or why am my family is gonna drowned like I don’t want I don’t know I don’t know what my mind going through I always like to, I always feel like I have impulsive thoughts about harming others even though I’m not doing anything or harming myself even though I’m not doing that and I don’t wanna die because I have love ones who are there for me all the time and I just felt like I don’t know if anybody else feels this way, but I hope you guys understand that but The OCD is kind of hard for me because I would always like go on my phone or you know like try to like go on an app or rewatch a video so many times to make sure I get it right my partner isn’t there. I don’t know if this is experience that you’ve ever had or anything but Talk to me and like I will explain I’ll try to explain as much as I can but yeah

I've never seen a therapist or been diagnosed, so I went surfing through to find this community. I've seen a lot of OCD symptoms written online. Here is what I experience that I feel may be OCD. If any of you guys agrees, please let me know. I have only ever been able to call my mom by her first name. I have never been able to not do that. She tried to make me call her mom once as a kid but it felt so wrong that I started crying. Everytime I see a wet floor sign, I say "piso mojado" out loud. I have plenty of harsh intrusive thoughts, such as committing acts of violence when I see people not using their turn signals, interrupting performers at a concert. I make myself re-press on my phone alarms 10-12 times each day in the same rythym until it feels fully set to go off. Light switches get flicked off and on, I can't stand not doing it. I have to double-check everything and make myself re-look through the same drawers at work for hours. I love to write, but I never get far because I need approval from others. My head is also always filled to the brim with thoughts which has made writing and things like memory a lot harder. I can't use spoons. I can only use forks for almost everything. I can't stand them. That's all I can think of for right now. Please let me know what you guys think. Thanks!

Hi everyone! I’m currently in a space of constantly worrying about dying- specifically in my sleep. If I don’t do everything in my routine during the day (and to a point where it feels perfect), I’m worried that I’m not going to wake up the next day. I’ve tried comforting myself by reminding myself of times I didn’t do compulsions and the thing I was trying to avoid at the time didn’t come true but my brain can only remember things that eventually came true, even if it was for a totally unrelated reason than not doing compulsions (ex: at one point I was so scared and so obsessed with being fired, I constantly did compulsions to “not get fired”. I eventually did get fired but because the company implemented a rule that anyone who missed sales goals for two months straight would be fired. I was so caught up in my OCD and anxious all the time that I couldn’t focus, even had to take medical leave to “chill out” and then didn’t make my goal and was fired) In that scenario, I know the logical reason I got fired wasn’t because I didn’t do compulsions but all my brain can think is “see, you were so worried about it, you stopped doing the compulsions, and look, it happened” So now I’m terrified. I was wondering if any of you could maybe share any stories or experiences? Have you ever had the fear of getting really sick, dying, having a loved one die, etc. stopped doing the compulsions and it still hasn’t happened?

I’m completely lost, absolutely lost. Here’s a little context though: Christmas was yesterday and we had my cousin’s (very young) kids over who were very little, but very sweet. They were also hyper, but always listened to what they were told so they were in no means bad kids. Which is why I feel so conflicted. I live at home still and have dozens of plushies in my room. The ‘non-contaminated’ ones sit on my bed and the others stay on the ground in a pit. I haven’t actually touched my bed in months because that’s my prime concern when it comes to my contamination OCD. I constantly want to keep it clean and exactly the way everything is (position of plushies, certain blankets, pillows, no bedspread). However, when the kids came over my mom asked if I would like to show the little ones my room. I honestly said yes and thought it would be a good idea, but it just never occurred to me that they might touch my bed. The first time I only brought one of the kids up and they were fine, just played with one of the floor plushies, but at the end of night my sister and I took two of the kids up and they started to lean over my bed. I was feeling a little uneasy, but I kept my discomfort in for them because I knew they wouldn’t understand. Then they hit the nail in the coffin by actually going on it, jumping around, throwing the clean plushies off and on, and basically creating havoc. I genuinely wanted to break down, but I kept it in because they were just having fun and I didn’t tell them not to, so I froze up. By this time my sister also left me as well, so I just watched until eventually they had to go. Now here comes the part where I just don’t know what to even do: It’s obvious that my compulsions are ridiculous, and it’s obvious that I just need to get over it. Yet, the fact I’ve spent so long avoiding my bed for the perfect moment where school wouldn’t contaminate it and I could be perfectly clean just for it to all be contaminated anyway… it honestly destroys me. My friend came up and saw me in mild distress over my room, but I told him “as long as I don’t even look at it I’ll be okay”. I actually don’t want to acknowledge what happened to it, it just breaks me. Right now I’m just stuck in this limbo of wanting to clean everything, resisting the urge, but breaking down whenever I think about it. I need help desperately, and I don’t have an appointment with my therapist until next week. I just want to take this loss and give in since the damage done and resisting the urge to scream at a bunch of kids was enough. My mom thinks I should be at least a little proud that I didn’t tell them to get off or try to protect my bed, but I just don’t know. The urge to restore it is too strong and I wasn’t nearly ready enough with dealing with compulsions to handle this. What do I do?? Anyways, thank you for listening to this rant. Happy holidays!

Hello NOCD community! ♡ So I've been consciously living with OCD for the past few years, and I've gone to therapy a few times, though I've not necessarily gotten help for my OCD. These last few months my OCD has been especially intense, and it has affected my quality of life. I've been in a depressive mood most of the time, and performing day-to-day activities has been difficult. My productivity levels have been low, and I've wasted a lot of time on obsessions and compulsions. It feels like OCD has taken over my life and I'm watching days pass me by as I spend hours and hours on OCD-related behaviours. What I've been struggling with the most lately is rumination and trichotillomania. I find myself trying to form mental images of certain words, concepts, situations, etc. when I can't fully understand them or sometimes it really just seems to be for no apparent reason. I dwell on trying to form these mental images or repeat certain phrases/sentences over and over in my head, and I get frustrated when I do not gain enough clarity, sometimes giving up or telling myself things like "it doesn't matter", "let go" or "anyway". I also find that when I'm watching something without exact subtitles or without any at all and I'm not sure exactly what has been said, I rewind it over and over until I gain clarity. This can happen with insignificant background speech, or when people are talking over each other, sometimes I feel the need to know exactly what everyone is saying. I also feel the need to read or look at everything on online pages, sites or posts down to the most inconsequential details, and I dwell on details in images/videos that are unclear to figure out exactly what I am looking at. I also overthink a lot of decisions I make, even very small ones (for example putting my laptop to sleep instead of hibernating it), and I try to imagine what will happen if I do the opposite action, and I reassure myself of the decision I've made or else sometimes end up going back on it and doing the opposite action. I also overthink scenarios in the past and try to remember exactly how they happened. I could go on and on, but you probably get the point. Basically, I'm just in my head 24/7. I've reached a point where I refuse to continue living like this because I know I'm meant for so much greater! But I desperately need help. I don't want to rely on a therapist or medication to get better. I want to learn how to manage it on my own. I just need help figuring out how to create an ERP plan that works for me because I don't even know where to start with that, and any other tools or resources that would help me in my solo recovery journey would be much appreciated as well! P.S. Happy holidays!!

I am currently 17 and I’ve had ocd ever since I was a child. Everyone noticed around me because I was obsessed with washing n my hands and having perfect handwriting to a point where while taking notes in church, I erased the letter “e” and had my cousin fill in the letter e through my whole page of notes. I would want notebooks to be perfect often resulting in me ripping imperfect pages off and ruining the whole book. I would erase till the page ripped. Later as a kid I watched movies like coraline and was felt that because of me doing certain things, I sent myself to an alternate reality. (I know it sounds insane but I was a child with ocd). I was convinced that because I did the Bloody Mary challenge in elementary school, I sent myself into a fake alternate dimension. I would have to do the Bloody Mary challenge and even amount of times to reverse it and recall the exact events of when I did it. I also heard about the Truman show and felt that I was in a simulation and would have to do certain things to get out. This gave me severe depression in middle school. I would walk backwards on tiles to make sure it was even. I would have to touch things an even amount of times and do intrusive thoughts like breaking this keychain I made and loved. I would pet my dog and think the most horrific things of her injured and would have to pray to protect her. Eventually as I got older, my trigger became forgetting things like forgetting thoughts that could be important or important TikTok’s so every time I scrolled on TikTok I would have to scroll all the way back up and would have anxiety if the page refreshes on its own. I am obsessed with dropping or leaving stuff so I always look back like a crazy person 24/7 to see if I dropped something. I would take excessive random screenshots to not forget something or if they jog a memory. I fear I accidentally close tabs on my computer which drives me insane even if I never even touched the tab. I have a hard time throwing away empty packages just in case something is in it that I never noticed. Sometimes I become hyper aware of swallowing. I get scared because as a Christian, blasphemy is an unforgivable sin so I would have panic attacks thinking my random intrusive thoughts were real and blasphemy. I would be confused with my sexuality even though I know I’m straight. And a lot of my irrational things I am aware are crazy but still am urged to follow through even if I suffer. I get obsessed with getting good sleep and if something I did in my past will actually be a major health problem. I would think that something I did in my past is gonna make God punish me. I get obsessed with my clothes or hands getting dirty so I’m always washing it. I get obsessed with being pretty and used to screenshot like 100 photos of pretty people. I have an overall obsessive personality. I also overthink about everything I say. Overall these are my most noticeable symptoms and my story. I know 100% that I have OCD and everyone around me knows but I just never had the means to get officially diagnosed because I only recently opened up to my parents on how big of a problem my ocd actually is and I didn’t want to pay for help. This is my ocd story.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve had OCD for over a decade, but it has never impacted my studies prior to high school. I’ve been an honors student my whole life and have never felt as stressed as I do now. Freshman year, I took trigonometry/calc A, honors English, accelerated biology, AP world history, AP computer science principles, and Chinese three. I didn’t have issues with any of the classes until second semester. I developed a compulsion where I had to rewrite things until my handwriting was neat and orderly. Soon, assignments that involved a lot of writing were taking twice as long because I would have to rewrite things until my handwriting met my standards. I fell into executive dysfunction and quickly fell behind in all of my classes. I ended up with A in every class except for calc A, but that was arguably my most important grade because I’m planning of double majoring in computer science and biochemistry, making my math grade crucial. Sophomore year, circumstances improved because my stress levels decreased. I reviewed calc a over the summer and passed AP calc bc with an A- and my other classes (honors English, accelerated chemistry, consumer education, AP computer science A, and AP Chinese) with an A. Things were looking good. This is year is my junior year, and my stacking was multivariable, AP lang, accelerated physics, AP psych, financial accounting, mobile apps. I ended up dropping multi just because I did not have high hopes of getting a good grade and switched to AP biology. Everything was fine for a few weeks, but little did I know that there was another killer lurking in the midst: accelerated physics. Prior to this year, the school only offered regular physics and AP physics 1 & 2, which is hands down the hardest course the school offers and takes up 1.5 periods. The school offered an accelerated course this year that only takes up 1 period but will still give you a good foundation if you want to take AP physics C senior year. However, the course covers 85% of the material from AP 1 & 2 but in 67% of the time, which actually makes it harder. The mental issues I faced during calc A resurfaced, and I fell into executive dysfunction again. Things got better, but I ended up having to drop mobile apps because I didn’t build a good foundation for the final project. This was devastating because prior to this year, I was one of the top coders in the grade. I’m so lost right now. I planned on applying to colleges like UIUC, UChicago, and Northwestern, but now all they’re gonna see are a B in calc A and accelerated physics and drop in mobile apps (I dropped multi before it could make it onto my transcript). I don’t think I’ve ever hated myself so much. Good news though, I’m getting therapy to prevent a repeat of this next year. I’m just worried it might be too late. Is there any way that I can save my college apps?

I am a learner driver, with about 70 hours experience with driving. Ever since I have started and up till now, I have crippling anxiety that I am not a good enough driver. With my next birthday coming around in a months time (when I can go for my driving test), I feel so inexperienced and think that I will never progress or even if I can drive on my own, I will cause a car crash. There’s this feeling I’ve always had, that I can’t be independent and do things for myself. I always have to pre-organise everything with guidance. This includes what I wear, how my bedroom is decorated, what I eat, etc. And with driving, I feel like I’m never going to be good enough to gain the confidence I need to drive on my own. P.S, the majority of my driving has been obtained through my parents, but I am only starting lessons now (If I had the choice, I would’ve done lessons from the beginning).

He won't use condoms due to ED, so I started taking birth control for him. He also refused to give oral until i let him inside me which was weird to me. Anyways, I went to his home at the weekend and it was very messy, tiny room, unclean. It annoyed me that he felt comfortable inviting me, knowing how tidy and spotless my house is, and it took me a few hours to get there on public transport. (I understand that rent is pricey and he travels a lot, but a toilet seat missing). He drives 5 hours to see me on some weekends but my place is always to a standard. Next thing, he always wants to be on top of me but it hurts me and he won't keep trying different positions, and says things like "I give up" then walks off to a different room and won't speak because I won't do it how he wants. I didn't wanna be in his house not speaking so I stayed with family last night. Am I out of order for leaving? first we had the protection issue, now the position issue plus his attitude. Makes me feel like im in the wrong for not letting him have what he wants after 5 months of talking and meeting. I thought once I started taking BC this would solve our problem but now it just feels like pressure, and he also says "you know what I'm doing" like I have some sort of game plan, when I would literally be happy kissing and touching because I love him. I can't figure out why he's so desperate for it, wouldn't he want to make me feel comfortable? This was the first time with him in his city, and he didn't wanna go out anywhere, not even to dinner. I don't ask for much