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Having ocd is so incredibly exhausting and depressing- my mom and dad argued with me for over an hour talking about how im a pain to be around, go in too many loops, and ruin everything and everyones mood… this conversation started with me saying im stressed out because of school and that i dont want to go because im exhausted- and idk if this is like ocd directly but it takes me like 2 hours to get ready in the morning because i need to look PERFECT and the same everyday literally 😭 and that process feels so exhausting every morning at 6am but i will NOT go to school without going through with it- i will literally be crying and shaking and wanting to go home the minute i get to school if even a single strand of my hair is not perfectly straightened or any blemishes or flaws are showing- and i cant even walk to school or anything bc im scared the humidity will mess with my hair and everything- and it just really affects my life? And yeah its freaking exhausting. And i have two more years of highschool and I dont know if im going to make it 😭i get super stressed over grades too because i need them to be extraordinary otherwise its a fail. Nothing below 95%. And thats also tiring! 😁 and my mom told me today “medication IS NOTTTT AND OPTION!!!” Like oh okay so im just cooked 😭 and therapy isnt really helping me at all- i feel like what im being told is so basic and generic and it doesn’t help me when im in a huge ocd episode- which is often… and what i hate most is like my mom says “don’t come to me with your problems after 6pm…” im sorry i cant schedule my feelings 😭 im so tired

I apologize I post here a lot lol. I have a few questions/I want to vent about this. My therapist and I have identified one of the triggers I’ve been trying to work on, which is my fear of never being good enough; for myself, my family, my friends, for my romantic relationships, and just in general. Honestly, I hate myself so much. Not for any reason in particular, but I overanalyze everything I do and let it consume me. I know this is normal for most people, and everyone goes through bouts of self depreciation and lack of self love. I’m trying to give my love to myself that I’ve always given to other people and it’s so difficult. It’s really funny, I need male validation even though I feel like I can never trust a man ever again. I was broken up with at the beginning of April, and so you can imagine how my self worth really has been feeling. I’m aware my self worth isn’t based on other people’s perception of me, but I just want to be loved consistently through my ocd and adhd. It feels like it’s too much for people, while I simultaneously feel like I’m making this a massive deal. I don’t want to get into another relationship ever again, I just think I’m too weird for most men or they’ll take advantage of me for something again. I think if a man is nice to me, it means there’s an ulterior motive or a catch. There’s genuinely no way someone even cares as much about me as I do them, it’s always one sided. I love my friends, I’m taking about relationships wise. Not to mention, I hate the way I look and act. When I think I’m somewhat decent looking, there’s always a post to pop up with this stunningly beautiful girl. I can never catch up with modern beauty standards. I hate this so so so much. I hate feeling this way, how do I make this all stop?

One of my primary themes is “just right” OCD, paired with magical thinking. I don’t actually believe something bad will happen, but I feel like I deliberately make up scary, catastrophic thoughts like “xyz person will die” just to pressure myself into doing the just-right compulsion and relieve the anxiety. It’s like I use magical thinking as a tool, even though I know it’s irrational. Does this still count as magical thinking? Can anyone else relate?

Hello, everyone. This is my first time posting on here, so I am very grateful for any insight or feedback that I may be able to receive. For decades, I have battled with what I can best describe as a compulsion to reset/restart my life and personality, and it is very hard to manage. While the timeline had varied and evolved over the years, on average, I have “reset” myself every week or so for about twenty-five years (I am currently thirty-six). Resetting has evolved over time, too, but it involves a lot of time devoted to putting things back to a baseline with my phone, computer, car, odometer, clothes, etc., as well as performing a lengthy ritualistic sequence of events the following day. These things allow me to mentally reset myself as though I am a character in a show, and the next morning is the first scene of the first episode. I tweak parts of my personality, and of course none of it ever sticks. I will purposefully put off progress in work and my personal life in order for those things to be credited to the new me with my upcoming reset. I’ll finally start exercising and dieting properly? Nope - I have to wait for the next reset. I’ll finally clean the house and be productive? Nope - next reset. I’ll knock out these work projects I’ve been putting off for a long time, or these personal projects I’ve always wanted to do for years - just kidding, wait for the reset. Naturally, every single time I reset, I am convinced that this is the final reset, and will be the permanent me…rinse and repeat thousands of times. Of course, very few of the things I put off for a reset actually happen for longer than a day or two, and then it’s back to delaying. It’s supremely frustrating. Anyway…does anybody have any sort of similar experience or insight? I’m having a hard time communicating it, but the impact of it over a quarter century now is pretty maddening.

Every single time me and my boyfriend do anything sexual, I feel really really guilty about it after. We’ve never had sex before but have done other things and I don’t feel guilty about it in the moment, but afterwards I feel guilty. I don’t necessarily regret doing it but I just feel horrible as a human. He does not push himself on me in anyway and I know it’s all a me thing. He is very cautious in making sure I’m comfortable and feel okay, but I don’t start feeling guilty until afterwards. I feel like this always relates back to my faith, which has recently fallen off. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this because I always get told the benefits of waiting for marriage. And honestly I do understand that, but I don’t know that I want to wait. I feel like people keep shoving “waiting for marriage” down my throat and it draws me so much further from Christianity and makes things so much harder to feel close to God again. I just feel so lonely in feeling these things and scared I’m going to hell if I keep doing stuff with my boyfriend, but I genuinely don’t know what I believe in anymore and it’s draining me that my values are changing. I know it’s probably healthy and natural for values to change as you grow up, but I feel like there’s a stereotype of Christianity I have to adhere to and it makes me so anxious and scared I’m going to hell if I don’t get everything perfect. My relationship with Christ isn’t something that I involve others in because of how personal it is to me. But I just feel shamed upon by every other Christian and it makes me scared for myself and sad for the way society is making it such a black and white view of this religion.

i’ve unfortunately fallen into the cycle of trying to figure out my thoughts and find answers as to why i feel so distressed. this still pertains to the situation regarding changing my room for those reading who have seen my multiple posts over the last few days. i’ve been so distressed and in so much panic about it. i’m also panicking over my other room looking so different from when i left it. it’s been making me feel crazy because to me there’s no reason for my anxiety to latch so hard onto something that seems so minuscule. i was thinking i was having anxiety over change, but it’s like symptoms of ocd too that’s making it really hard for me to let go. SO i started thinking maybe it was perfectionism ocd? i’ve realized over time that i do compulsions to where things have to feel “just right”, but i also do that with any environment i’m in. like it HAS to feel cozy to me and provide me comfort in order for me to feel at ease. and this change is causing me to panic because there’s something wrong that i can’t find an answer to. maybe the different colored carpet? but it’s also more than that it feels like. however, now it’s spreading into other areas of my house where i’ve always been fine in and possibly to just any area i’m in at all. hence why it’s making me feel crazy because there’s no reason for me to be THIS distressed over that as i’ve never really had this problem before. and when i did it would last maybe an hour to a couple of days at most, but this has been going for over 2 weeks with my really bad anxiety being this week. i’m doing a little better, but it’s still hard when i can feel that panic waiting for me to acknowledge and just engulf me in the ocd cycle. i’m also analyzing basically any feeling i have so i just feel off in general and like i’m going insane. i’ve been so hyper focused on how i feel and that will send me spiraling too. multiple themes then start coming in like existential ocd and fear of solipsism. not to mention my harm and contamination ocd that just adds on when i’m this vulnerable. then i worry if no one is real, then no one feels the way i do. or just in general that what if no one feels the way i do. honestly, i think being out of college and in my house with nothing to do is causing me too much time with my thoughts. which is why i’m so distressed about everything that pops into my brain.

I know that sounds a bit harsh, but people with OCD think very differently then everyone else and we do strange things. I used to think OCD was just that we overthink to much and have compulsions to fix it, but its kinda alot more than that i realise. Like peoples lives are legit debilitated from this thing. Thats serious and i dont think others realise that. Mabye im concerned too much idk.

I am having an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon and I am obsessing about what to do with my medication. I think it’s also very ocd like obsessing. I am currently on 30mg mirtazapine. Ive been on this for years (because of insomnia, anxiety and depression) (15mg) and after we tried to switch to another (amitryptiline) because of nerve pain, I went down the road of insomnia and later on ocd again. So I am back on mirtazapine, and weaning off of the amitryptiline. This is/was a very traumatic experience. Because the switch caused a mental breakdown. Now my psychiatrist has mentioned to up the mirtazapine to 45mg. And my obsessive self has done a lot of research and a lot is saying that the higher the dose, the more you can experience anxiety. And for ocd it’s obviously not the first choice. I am obsessing all morning about it. I am too scared to go up. But I am also too scared to try another and to wean myself of off mirtazapine. I feel stuck at this point. Taking two meds is also not something I want. I could really use some words of encouragement right now I think. 🥹

I was first diagnosed with OCD at the age 19, the same time I first entered treatment for substance abuse. At that time, practitioners were focused on treating my SUD; it would be another 14 years until my parents and I, with the help of Dr. Whelan (UCLA, PANS/PANDAS Specialist), discovered that my OCD is (at least in part) the result of Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorder Associated with Streptococcal Infection (PANDAS), a condition that went untreated since the onset of OCD-like tics that I had developed after repeated strep infections ages 6-8. Throughout my 20s, I struggled with constant feelings of inadequacy and shame, and would often turn to substances to manage the anxiety and hopelessness that lay in the wake of unmet expectations of perfection. My symptoms would fluctuate greatly as I got older, but about 3 years ago, my OCD took a dramatic turn for the worse. I was living with my boyfriend (now good friend), who helped me the best he could as he watched me decline mentally and deteriorate physically. I would spend 8 hours rearranging a bookshelf, or begin wiping off the bathroom counter, only to realize 4 hours later that I was still cleaning and had moved to the kitchen. There is a palpable sensation in my body when recalling the moments during compulsions where I was so unconscionably angry, exasperated and physically exhausted and starving, but I couldn’t stop. “I’m almost done!” I would cry out to my boyfriend, who knew that meant anywhere from 30 more minutes of cleaning to 4 hours, moving room to room as I discovered more “dirt.” My ocd had become completely debilitating. I couldn’t cook due to fear of contamination, I struggled to sleep, I NEVER arrived on time to anything, and I was at constant ends with myself. Finally, about 4 months ago, my therapist, boyfriend, parents and I made the decision that I should move home. I had been seeing a complex disease specialist who discovered reactivated CMV, requiring me to be on aggressive antivirals, and exposure to toxic mold, necessitating a long detox protocol. Within 3 days of finally agreeing to start the antivirals, I went from physically ill to waking up and suddenly realizing I was habing a clear thought. My mom noticed that I hadn’t hesitated or gotten side tracked, and arrived promptly - within minutes - following my typical “I’ll be right there” (aka in 2 hours) response. I hadn’t even noticed it, but ever since that day, I have been noticing small improvements; even my tolerance or threshold for discomfort has increased. A week ago I told my parents it was the first time since high school that I was able to execute a task from beginning to end, without distraction and with a relatively clear mind. I say this because I want others to know that no matter how hard things get, don’t ever give up hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but in the words of Winston Churchill, “if you’re going through hell, keep going.” I believe having OCD has also made me incredibly resilient. I feel a sense of responsibility to share my story in hopes that it might help someone suffering from OCD, or a family member struggling to understand a loved one with OCD. NOCD is a great resource for those with OCD, as well as family members and loved ones struggling to accommodate or understand. My parents are currently going through SPACE, a program for family members to help them better understand how to navigate and gradually reduced accommodations that may have been a point of contention. I have seen huge growth and my parents in it has been beneficial in helping us set goals and objectives, as well as having an open conversation about what I’m going through and what they are going through. Thank you to NOCD for all of the education and support you provide the community for free!

Hello everyone, this is my first post on here. I hope you are all well. I’m currently experiencing what I call ‘anticipated regret’ and the only way I can describe it is having thoughts such as: “If you don’t do X thing then you will regret it later in life and not feel fully fulfilled.” It’s giving me quite a bit of anxiety as I just want a peaceful life without worrying about experiences I haven’t had. I hope this makes sense!

Regardless of the thought processes I have during therapy that makes sense and will tell me to break away from these overwhelmingly oppressive compulsions, I give in so easily and sink to newer and stranger places that I thought I would never have a business being apart of. Part of it feels like long term self harm. I don't eat well even though I can. I let food go bad and stare at it in the fridge. Wasting money online for absolutely no reason, maybe just to feel a ounce of emotion. Every thought becomes tainted with the obsession to not be here. If I'm not rotting my brain then I'm dousing it in chemicals trying, yet again, to feel and ounce of emotion. I had so much and lost it. Rebuilt myself, and got crushed in a newer, more painful way. I still have a great deal of friends and family that I desperately try to nurture. But I wouldn't be my own friend. I'm so inconsistent it's ridiculous. The only sense of consistency left is my dog, because she's the best. Pic included. I lie constantly trying to guilt myself into doing better things, setting myself up for failure by agreeing to impossible tasks. Pretending like I had a plan the whole time is exhausting. I've worked on it a lot but sometimes I have to fake it and it burdens me. I'm sick of lying but I'm still mortified of people finding out about what I am behind closed doors. A waste of skin. A detriment to society. A cancerous mass that latches onto other more lucrative cells and feeds. At least that's what I think they'd see me as. Which is morbidly irrational and just, false... I realized awhile ago that I am not a bad person. I know that progress not perfection is the way to go. And I know that savoring good intentions is more important than the moments we falter. However I fear that the progress won't progress quickly enough and I won't be able to take it. Suicidal Ideation pours it's vile grease into your brain and it becomes impossible to wipe off or clean as it spreads its muck from thought to thought like a disgusting sponge that hasn't seen soap in years. It's become such a second nature to default to death. The quickest fix. All problems fall away and you get to stop. You don't have to do it anymore. And that allure is so intoxicating it makes your mind salivate in the most infuriating way. The noise would stop, the pain, the spiral, the ideation would become a reality and existence itself would swallow you... Or you live. And see what the next day holds. Feels like a shitty slot machine that you wonder how deep you'll go before you win. If you win. I'm so tired. I need a break from existence. I'll come back when I feel rested. Enjoy the puppy pic.

What would I do for ERP if my OCD says because I didn’t do something correctly or remember something I will have panic attacks that don’t end?

A reflection I never saw myself being able to write✨ One year ago today, I was spiraling for a second time because I wasn’t sure what was happening to me, again. Getting through it once was doable but twice? I truly thought I was losing my mind. OCD wasn’t just a shadow in the background — it was a loud, relentless voice narrating fear, doubt, and compulsions into every corner of my life. I couldn’t trust my thoughts, couldn’t rest in silence. I was questioning everything. I was exhausted coasting through the motions of life trying to survive every minute of every day. But today — I’m here. Still imperfect, still human, but finally free in a way I didn’t think was possible. I got here by learning the hardest, most empowering lesson of my life: I had to stop depending on anyone else to pull me out. I had to stop outsourcing my safety, my certainty, my worth. I had to become the person I could rely on — not in a cold, lonely way, but in the most solid, liberating way possible. You see, healing didn’t come when others gave me reassurance — it came when I stopped needing it. When I realized no one could fight the war in my mind for me. It had to be me. Not because others didn’t care — but because I had to be the one to stop running from fear. I had to choose courage over comfort, again and again. And boy was that rough. But I did. Through therapy, I retrained my brain. (Shout out to Casey Knight🙏🏼) I stopped dancing to OCD’s obsessive rhythm and started rewriting the song. And yeah — the beat dropped a few times. But I kept moving forward. Slowly, I started turning my mind into a place I wanted to live in. I made it beautiful. Not by forcing positive thoughts, but by planting seeds of truth: 🌱 Not every thought deserves attention. 🌱 Discomfort doesn’t mean danger. 🌱 Uncertainty is not the enemy — it’s just part of being alive. I started treating my mind like a garden instead of a battlefield. I let go of perfection and started watering what was real, what was kind, what was mine. And let’s be honest — there were still a few weeds. (Hello, OCD — always trying to “check in.” ) Because healing isn’t linear, I still have days where I feel back to square one, but it’s a day, not a week, month, or another year of surrendering. But here’s the “punny” truth: OCD tried to check me, but I checked myself — with compassion, courage, & a whole lot of practice. To anyone still caught in the spiral — I want you to know: you are not broken. You don’t need to wait for someone else to save you. No else will. The strength you’re looking for? It’s already in you. It might be buried under fear, doubt, and rumination, but it’s there — patient and unbreakable. Start small. Start scared. Just start. Because when you stop relying on the world to reassure you, and start trusting your own ability to face uncertainty, you get something even better than comfort — you get freedom, resilience, power & SO much more. You don’t have to control every thought/urge to have a beautiful mind. You just have to stop believing every thought/urge is the truth. You don’t have to be fearless , you just have to act in spite of fear. You are not crazy You are not a monster You are not evil You are human You are capable And if OCD ever tries to take over again, just smile and say, “Nice try. But not today.” — Someone who came back to life, one brave thought at a time 🧡

I was watching porn years ago and i have intrusive associative thoughts. Ocd says the person in the videi resembles my relative or my wifes. I had this intrysive thoughts and then ocd says since it reminded me of her relatives what if i was arousing over them. Im nit attracted to them and its ego dystonic. Ocd says if i dud thats betrayal to my spouse. Ive confessed about this so many times and did last night. Then this morning ocd says i didbt confess last night when i did ir kt wasnt good enough or thus detail means i couldve or i need to confess this detail. I was doing fibe this year snd this intrusive memiry and what if just hit me yesterday and ive been ruminating abd feeling guikt and unworthy of my spouse. Please help

I am a freshman in college diagnosed with OCD, anxiety and depression. I have been on medication for 2 months but I do not see any improvement yet. College has become an anxiety fuel now and I can’t study because I am too anxious and sometimes I cry when I try to. I can’t perform well in classes and the workload is stressing me out. During the first exam season I was a wreak but I wasn’t yet on meds and that’s when my depression appeared. The thing is I can’t really do the normal routine things and I don’t find happiness in the things that were my hobbies. I don’t know how I’ll be able to tell my parents if I do it because my mom is really on about the fact that I can do it cause I’m strong and now I just feel like I will disappoint her. If anyone that went or is going through this let me know your experience.

I'm sry if this may make people worry or feel uncomfortable in advance! Hello everyone as u can see I struggle with ocd and I HATE IT WITH MY LIFE , it started in 2020 covid obv contamination ocd started here , I used to carry alcohol everywhere and used to wash my hands so much that it bled ( had to wear gloves to cover it so friends or family won't see it ) and everything else started since then , harm ocd with myself or friends I couldn't hold a knife..it was really hard..and I have unwanted sexual thoughts ocd , I have panic attacks bc of this..I sometimes cannot look people into their eyes and its so random and so scary..thoughts about.. 🍇..whether it's me or I'm gonna harm someone else uk..I sometimes cannot function properly.. unfortunately friends don't understand it rather think it's about " perfectionism "..I wrote those thoughts and stuff in a journal in more details ofc and doodle ( I'm scared someone will find it ) I hate myself tbh and I don't think someone will read this... I suspect I have ADHD with all this but ocd is " ur faking it " even though lots of people have hinted about it , I thought I actually killed someone for 2 years a girl..until I realized what HOCD is , I thought I faked my ocd too in fact , I have perfectionism ocd too it's bad and I HATE PURE O it's so DRAINING uk.. also idk if this has caused a problem for anyone but if y'all know the Truman show ( basically if u don't know the main character is being filmed and his life is fake and he doesn't know it ) THAT MOVIE HAS HARMED ME SO BADLY FOR YEARS that until today I have to check in the bathroom if there are cameras cuz like ocd makes me think I'm living in a fake world , I used to think people around me , everyone was like a Ai model or smth.. everytime until today I have to clean the toilet seat bc it may be dirty..I have been taking up to 5 showers a day cuz maybe I'm dirty..that's it for today tysm if u read this till the end I'd like to know ur thoughts if u got tips or have similar experiences ! 🤗 U get a chocolate bar 🍫 bc u earned it bc ik how ocd is so frustrating ( I also noticed everyone who has ocd is so nice right 😆! )

I relate to this song a lot; even though it's more about the pressure from her family, certain lyrics remind me of OCD. 😥 Also, I have a crush on Luisa. 🥰 What can I say? Lyrics from Surface Pressure: "But under the surface, I feel berserk as a tightrope walker in a three-ring circus Under the surface, was Hercules ever like, "Yo, I don't wanna fight Cerberus?"" "It's pressure like a drip, drip, drip that'll never stop, whoa Pressure that'll tip, tip, tip 'til you just go pop, whoa, oh, oh ... Pressure like a grip, grip, grip, and it won't let go, whoa Pressure like a tick, tick, tick 'til it's ready to blow, whoa, oh, oh" "See if she can hang on a little longer" "Under the surface, I hide my nerves and it worsens, I worry something is gonna hurt us" "But wait, if I could shake the crushing weight of expectations Would that free some room up for joy or relaxation, or simple pleasure? Instead, we measure this growing pressure Keeps growing, keep going" "Who am I if I don't have what it takes? No cracks, no breaks No mistakes, no pressure" --------------------------------------------------------- Me relaciono con esta canción tan mucho; sé que es sobre la presión de su familia, pero algunas letras recuérdame de TOC. 😢 Bueno, también estoy enamorada de Luisa. 😍 ¡NO me juzques, gente! Letras de En Lo Profundo: "Es peso que con gota a gota lo reventó, uoh Peso como un "tip-tip-tip" hasta que haces "pop", uoh-oh-oh ... Peso con presión, presión que jamás soltó, uoh Peso como un "tick-tack-tick" antes de una explosión, uoh-oh-oh" "Cómo lo resiste y se agarra fuerte ¿Qué si pierdo y fallo al soportar? Si me quiebro" "En lo profundo Algo me inquieta y se empeora, Yo debo salvar a todo mundo" "¿Podré desvanecer el peso cruel, la expectativa Y vivir solo un momento de esparcimiento? Tan simple y bello En vez del peso que va en aumento" "¿Qué si me desplomo y no llego a ser quien debo ser?" --------------------------------------------------------- Não falo muito português, mas lho posso entender porque falo muito espanhol. Ummm. Eu gosto de essas letras porque são como TOC. E eu gosto de Luisa. 🥹 letras de Estou Nervosa (versão BT-BR): "Estou nervosa E ansiosa na corda bamba sigo cautelosa Estou nervosa Como um herói que se cansou numa luta horrorosa" "Não posso cansar Não posso falhar Será que eu vou quebrar O que me faz quebrar" "Pressão é como um tic, tic, tic que não quer parar, uou Pressão que faz tic, tic, tic pronta pra estourar, uou-ou-ou ... A pressão É tanta por aqui que, que já me estressou, uou E a pressão faz tic, tic, tic Meu limite chegou, uou-ou-ou" "Estou nervosa Eu fico assim ansiosa Mas tento fingir ser corajosa" "Que tal mudar o astral E segurar a expectativa Eu seria tão mais feliz E tão mais viva" "Tanto medo, tic, tic, tic, que não quer parar, uou A pressão faz tic, tic, tic pronta pra estourar, uou-ou-ou ... É tanta por aqui que, que já não sei quem sou, uou E a pressão faz tic, tic, tic, meu limite acabou, uou-ou-ou" "Eu sigo então, a pressão não mata" letras de No Fundo, Sempre (versão PR-EU): "Inquebrável, aguento-me sempre" "No fundo, sempre, fico demente" "Está tudo mal, o golpe final Destruição total, a destruição total!" "Pressão como um plin plin plin que não vai parar, whoa Pressão que faz tic tic tic até rebentar, whoa, oh, oh ... Pressão, fico fico fico mal, porque me agarrou, whoa Pressão que faz tic tic tic e quase já rebentou, whoa, oh, oh" "No fundo, sempre Estive nervosa e pior agora, sinto-me impotente" "No fundo, sempre Pensei se ser valente seria permanente" "Deixar o que está a passar, vai libertar-me Da expectativa e a alegria Poderá vir alguma calma Prazer não temos e apenas vemos A pressão vivemos Tão dura, não muda e não ajuda" "Quem serei se não puder aguentar? Não vou quebrar, sem errar"

I haven't been able to read about experiences similar to mine when it comes to my perfectionism OCD so I was wondering if anyone had any "uncommon" experiences.

When I was single, I watched a lot of porn, specifically lesbian porn even though I’m straight. When I got into my current relationship I dwindled down and eventually stopped watching porn of any kind, around six or so months ago. I had a flare up recently that has caused me to question every part of myself including my sexuality and my identity, my relationship, and other things that are important and valued to me, and porn keeps popping up in all of these things. I feel like my porn usage was me cheating on my boyfriend, especially in the early parts of our relationship. I broke down to him last month about it and he said it was okay, that he forgives me, but I’m still hung up on it because I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve wronged him and that I’m a terrible person and that I need to leave him because of this. This is so excruciatingly painful. I don’t want to keep confessing over and over and over again, but I don’t want to be a dirty lying cheater, which I feel like I am.

First-time poster in the community here, but I had something really eating at me. I’m not sure if it’s an OCD symptom or not, but I feel like my brain has developed a coping mechanism over the years, and honestly, it bothers me daily that I can’t control it. I’ve been seen as a pretty smart person by my peers, and I can be smart, but I keep getting a reaction to thinking too much. I’ve noticed that on most days, I simply can’t think. I’m not talking like “I have so many solutions to this question”, but instead, it’s more like “I don’t know the answer, and if I try to find it I’ll be wrong” or simply I can’t recall the information. However, I’ll get these waves of what I call “kickstarts” where, all of a sudden, everything is so clear to me. I feel everything that I’m numb to, and at first, I’m glad to finally feel capable. But later that day, often several days that week, the fog is lifted and all of the terrible thoughts start to flow in. I’m in a loving relationship, and she’s given me no reason to second guess, but thoughts of her finding someone better than me always show, and thoughts that I’m not good enough, with thoughts that I can’t get to shut up long enough for me to do anything even remotely productive. I believe that paired with my depressive habits, OCD has really kicked my a** for my entire life, and the mental fog that has developed as a coping mechanism bothers me just as much, even causing obsessive thoughts that I am a poser, or a fraud, of a person. Thank you guys, if you read this long-winded rant, I just had to tell someone that it was bothering me before it exploded.