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the NOCD Community

No one would ever understand how it is to be me. I’m in an endless loop. My mind finds new ways to bully me. I’m exhausted and all I can do is cry cry cry. This isn’t the way to live

Anyone else ever get scared that their gonna start liking their thoughts!??

does anyone else have times where their OCD disappears? Like I've been dealing with a new OCD theme and it was so distressing dealing with those thoughts for weeks on end and i couldn't talk to my therapist at the time. I told my therapist about it yesterday and now there's no more thoughts? and i feel like i lied about having these thoughts and now when i do my exposures it's like i'm checking for the thoughts to pop up and they're not. I don't know if it's because I've been kind of avoiding people that trigger the theme or what. I feel like a liar.

I was diagnosed with OCD about a month ago and have only done 2 full sessions of ERP. This new OCD diagnosis is confusing to me and it is impacting my sleep like no other feeling like I cannot turn off my brain from my repetitive thoughts. I feel like all of my thoughts are OCD related thoughts right now and I am having a hard time disconnecting myself from them. I truly want to feel better, but having a hard time figuring out how to move forward with my life with this new diagnosis. Any tips for a newbie looking for some hope?

I (M21) truly don't know if im denial or have SO-OCD and am in denial or what. Over a couple years ago I struggled with hocd really bad. It started with just a random thought that led later on to what I think were false attractions or crushes? I would instantly seemingly compulsively stare at most dudes butts. I never felt aroused by this to my knowledge. Overtime though I got basically so tired of worrying that I was just like "Even if these are genuine attractions I have no desire to pursue them and I don't ever have fantasies about them so it will just be a thing that exists for me. Then for the last couple of years thats were I was at and felt like I was straight and just accepted the uncertainty. Within the last few months though it is either returning seemingly or I am actually bisexual and just very heterosexual leaning. Or both Im not sure. The reason I say this is because around 3 months ago I was just writing something down for my college class and a guy walked past me brown jeans and my eyes just got fixated on his ass the more I tried to look away the more I kept looking back repeatedly. I don't think I felt any arousal just a lot of anxiety. Eventually I got on with the day and was pondering it for a while I was like "this must mean something right?" I then looked back at my old HOCD posts and felt the experience of staring was similar. After a few hours I guess I just forgot about it and then went on with my life. Around a month or 2 ago I was going to the gym and I saw a guy exercising and kept looking at his muscles and was fixated like the other event I mentioned. I remember I felt some kind of feeling, I did not feel aroused or that I wanted to touch him or anything of that sort. I just remeber having a feeling. I don't fully remeber everything after that but I think I was just like "Maybe it was something maybe not idk" Recently a couple weeks ago we were sitting in class and I hear some guy talking and was like "wow his voice sounds deep" then after that I had some sort of panic in my head and kept wondering "I am attracted to him" "Did I like it?" again I felt no arousal or desire for him. I saw him again today and honestly felt nothing I just thought his deep voice sounded cool. Over the last couple of weeks I had been thinking through all this and was like "no, this has to mean something right?" I started watching hocd videos and am I bisexual in denial videos and my brain kept being like "Its different this time, its probably real" Ever since then I have been in an almost constant state of intense anxiety I keep wondering if im actually bisexual. Part of me feels like I am and already have admitted it but just don't like the label. Which I admit is probably true. I liked being straight it felt right for me. I have tried to watch gay porn multiple times to see if men can arouse me but I feel nothing. A lot of the time I really don't wanna watch it and just give up on trying. If I watch straight porn with a woman moaning I will get hard very quickly even if I don't think she is that attractive. At this point if I am bisexual I just want to know and not be in denial. The idea of being in denial or secretly having gay feelings and repressing them terrifies me I tried to fantasize about men and got to a point where it felt like a compulsive urge but did not arouse me. These compulsive urges involved me trying to fantasize about a guys crotch or ass seeing as that is where I had that feeling before but still nothing. Tonight I tried looking up guys asses in jeans to see if I feel anything but I felt pretty much nothing, except for one guy who was shirtless with his ass in jeans. I felt that wierd feeling again but did not feel arousal or excitement even though I legimately tried to. Is this wierd feeling repressed desire or something? It's driving me crazy I don't know what that feeling is. now I am worrying if I also had some sort of attraction to someone several years ago. I remember watching a YouTuber and I thought he looked attractive and then starting checking obsessively then just forgot ? For reference I am honestly a lot less sexual overall than I used to be. Before this whole event I abstained from porn completely. I am attracted to women but it feels more selective. Iv'e never seen a woman on the street and been like "I wanna kiss or have sex with her". But when talking to women on dating apps it would always get me excited and aroused and I have liked to listen to asmr about girls both erotic and not for a long time. Before all this questioning part of me was wondering if I was asexual because my eyes would look around at women but I didnt feel like I was attracted or anything. I found some women more attractive than others but that was about it. TLDR: Am I bisexual in denial or repressing my feelings or whats going on here?

I just learned I had OCD this year so it’s been a whole new can of worms for me to open and before I realized I had it I thought what I was dealing with was just “anxiety”. I thought slowly not being able to enjoy the idea of roadtrips with friends anymore because of imagining numerous scenarios where we either get into a gruesome fiery wreck or something irreparable going wrong with my car and leaving us stranded was just run of the mill anxiety. l also thought not being able to sleep on the window side of my bed because it’s super windy outside and i’m afraid it’s gonna blow my window off the frame and smash on my head in my sleep was just anxiety. long story short there are numerous other scenarios just like those that kept me up at night most days that I thought they were just normal bouts with anxiety. so naturally thinking it was anxiety I developed a system to cope with these thoughts and sort of coach myself out of them as if it was just like regular anxiety. I would quite literally talk myself down in my own head while i’m having distressing thoughts. it would always provide temporary relief but it would never fully stop it from happening. after I found out I had OCD, I didn’t think anything of it and continued to talk myself down from these thoughts. I did this to combat the OCD for months, but then I started thinking to myself… why is it that I realize i’ve dealt with these OCD thoughts since the moment I had conscious thought… yet it’s never been ~this~ bad. and I would ask myself, “why are you such a wreck now? what’s making you in a constant state of crisis all the time? why isn’t the self talk working?” and that’s when it hit me… coaching myself to not have these thoughts was literally a compulsion. and it became one of my most go to ones without even realizing it. the moment i’d have a distressing thought throughout any given day… waves and waves of encouraging words would scatter my brain like a flock of birds flying around me chirping as loud as possible till i drive myself insane. and then last night I just so happened to be scrolling a reddit post about having a song stuck in your head with OCD where someone commented something along the lines of “I know it may seem easier said then done, but try not to give energy to the thoughts. the less energy you give it your brain will get bored and move onto something else”. It hit me in that moment, all this energy i’ve been putting into talking myself down in my own head to fight these thoughts was literally like me dumping a gallon of lighter fluid on a fire to try and get it to stop. since I had that realization the world has seemed much quieter to me. I feel more inside my body, and I feel so much more secure with myself than I have in honestly the last 2 years easy. I’m not naive enough to think this is even remotely close to the end of me fighting these thoughts, it’s just simply a crucial weapon to have the upper hand way more often than I have in the past. it just reminds me of as a kid when i’d get disgusting intrusive thoughts about food i didn’t like at school, or have an existential crisis mid class, I wouldn’t ever really stop and think about “why” I was having these thoughts I’d just be like “that sucked” and move on. Figuring out the “why” in adulthood was crucial to me figuring out why I am the way I am, but the awareness sent my OCD into such an overdrive at first that took me a minute to get a hold of. *phew* I’m back. I hope this helps others too

My ocd keeps telling me to Google CP to make sure there is nothing scary and check there is also nothing scary and illegal on Google Images, I don’t want to see any CP I just what to make sure Google is safe and there is nothing to be afraid of on there it’s driving me crazy I don’t know what to do anymore help

With my ZOCD or just my regular ocd I feel like I’m content like I still see these thoughts and don’t want to do them ever and the thought of doing the act makes me not want to live with myself if I ever did it but my brain is making me think it’s normal to just have the thought and like just move on? Like I think I’m so used to the horrible thoughts that they don’t scare me as much? But I am scared but I don’t think the thoughts are as compulsive? Again I would never act on any of my ocd compulsions, I would rather die but also I’m so used to seeing and feeling the horrible thoughts that I’m just used to it? And I’m scared this means that I’m ok with doing these horrible things and that is what is scaring me I don’t wanna do these bad things I’m scared my brain is making me confused? Please don’t judge me 🥺🙏 the ZOCD started in December I have never ever had ZOCD before and my life was normal now it’s hard for me to go back to how I used to be. But I think maybe I’m getting out of the ocd?

I had the worst panic attack of my life today. It was horrible and I thought I was gonna have to call 911. I am so scared of losing everyone I care about I just want to be better. I have false memory ocd and I am in a spiral and I feel so out of touch with reality. If anyone has some techniques or advice that could help please share.

why is it when i try ‘accept’ the thoughts to let them pass, or try sit with them, it spirals into another one, each a little more realistic as they go. i was doing so well. i’ve not felt so deflated in years 🫤

Been checking this lately but is it ok to experience both my mental image and reality at the same time? Example: I can have an intrusion of a car crash pop up whilst sat in my kitchen. I can see both the crash and the kitchen at the same time like a double layer I’d say the image is more vivid than reality for a moment

Hi. My name is Alec. I've had this app for a year, maybe less, but never used it really. I don't know why, if it's a lack of motivation, or confusion about myself. Maybe a lot of things, piling on top of each other, day in, day out. I've had no platform comfortable sharing things with, no real community to try and be a part of, because I couldn't take the first step. I'm shooting a light into a dark night here and I don't know where this is going but here I am. I don't know what medical issues I've had, and my whole life it feels like whatevers been going on with me has been swept under the rug or categorized as just another part of autism. I may be on the spectrum with aspergers, diagnosed, but it always felt like there was something else, like these people just generalize my brain into something easy to work with. Well it's not. My brain has periodic attraction to minors, but that's being nice for the sake of it. They're kids. KIDS. And any time I've wanted to come out and get some help, maybe float the idea of someone coming out to people with that issue, I always hear the same response. Commit suicide, people like that deserve death. "If you in any way are attracted to kids, there is no excuse, people like that should be;" shot, stabbed, raped, etc. So I never have seeked anything or anyone out for help, and just sat in my own disgust and lust that I've grown numb to it. I think my brain obsessively targets a mindset to make myself feel less bad about drawn porn of the content, because that's all it's been, growing numb to sickening ideas and maybe even normalizing it. You can never be as mad at me or anything as I am, because I have to deal with these thoughts just about every day. I don't know if it's much better, but I don't look up CP. While I can't help these strange obsessive attractions, I've put so much energy directing it into fictional porn, specifically the drawn stuff, just so I couldn't be tempted in real life, and seems to be working so far, but if I can snuff out this issue for good, I don't know how I'd feel, but I hope relieved. That's simply a smaller chapter in my life, despite its vulgarity, so still be aware that I am being vulnerably open right now to a bunch of strangers that may not want to see this. I dont know. I really don't. There has been no option for me that I could find, and I'm already past the option for suicide, so I'm just crossing fingers that maybe some answer will come to because who can afford a therapist when they have no money, and listen to the comments of an ultimatum for various problems probably associated with a mental issue is murder or some twisted version of justice? I simply just want to figure out what's wrong with me, and maybe even fix all of my mental problems and blocks, despite this being an app for a target group of people. Maybe this is my root, who knows. But thank you anyways.

I’m going through what is hopefully just a really bad hypochondria episode where I’ve convinced myself I have schizophrenia. It’s been about 8 months and I’ve been through a range of crazy symptoms but the most prevalent symptom is getting crazy delusional thoughts like “what if my wife is a demon and trying to get to me” “what if nobody is real and these are all monsters/demons out to get me” etc etc. the thoughts are absolutely terrifying and they make me look at people differently, and i have to question myself whether I truly believe the thoughts or not, they feel so real, when they come on I almost catch myself genuinely feeling paranoid that they are 100% real and having a panic attack, but then the tiny bit of me that’s still rational brings me back to reality. And from then on I have to question myself all day “do I really believe this?” “Well you technically can’t disprove those things” “if it’s not real, then why does it FEEL real?” “This really is schizophrenia” “ what if it’s not schizophrenia but ACTUALLY real?” “who do I go to for help?” “What if I can’t trust anyone” etc, it’s literally hell. I can never give a satisfying “No, I don’t believe this” to these thoughts. I can go days and weeks and be able to confidently shrug them off and tell how ridiculous they are only for them to come back with a vengeance the next day. I could really use some reassurance even though I know it’s bad. I have never been like this before until I started obsessing over schizophrenia. I’ve been like this for 8 months now.

I’ve always had a feeling of having OCD but I’ve never been sure. I’m a teenager, and I’m hoping people on this app can help me try to figure out if I have OCD or I’m just crazy. Starting off with these terrible thoughts I have all the time. Someone can come home late and I immediately think they got into a car wreck, and check my phone for recent car crashes and other thing etc. etc. number 2, I always have intrusive thoughts, terrible ones ever since I was a kid I can’t control. I immediately feel like thinking these will lead god to hate me, and that he made an imperfection on me. And every time I try to hide these thoughts away, like right now they’re coming out I just can’t stop thinking of them and it’s so hard to do anything. Just thoughts like, “you hate your mom” or, “you hate god” and stuff that scares me like spiders. It’s hard to do anything with these thoughts. I’m also a major perfectionist, if anything is out of order I freak out. Yes, my room is messy. But I feel a sense of incompleteness and anxiety if I don’t empty the dishwasher, or don’t clean dirty dishes around the sink. These are recent and I feel like God will punish me for committing the sin of laziness. I also have a thing with the number 5, when I touch something it needs to be 5 times and if it’s not 5 times I freak out. I’m also terrified of getting sick, every time my friend is sick I freak out and don’t get near them the entire day, constantly washing my hands. Writing this is triggering a lot of my terrible thoughts and I don’t want to continue writing. Please let me know your thoughts, mental illness runs in my family but my mom is constantly telling me there’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe she’s right.

Always feels like I'm back to square one sometimes. I feel really off right now. It doesn't really feel like I can allow myself to fully enjoy something without my intrusive thoughts or anxiety disorders getting in the way. My life wasn't like this before 2020 came along. It was never about worrying about every little thing. It didn't have any worrying at all. There's two things that continue to bother me every single day. My teenage years and pornography. I hated my teenage years because there were a lot of negative things that were going on and being exposed to porn made all of that worse than it already was. There are some good things I can remember, but the bad things are always the overwhelming majority. Porn genuinely messed me up. I don't know what the solution is to move on from all of this besides taking medication. I don't know how to get through all of this naturally and I'm having doubts. I feel like medication is the only way at this point. I just can't stop thinking about anything that would make me anxious and I just can't stop feeling like something bad is going to happen every single day. Whether it's going to sleep and never waking up, having something wrong with my body, or never being able to move on from past hurts. I've been trying to practice coming to terms with my past self and basically being void of any judgement. There's some good days, some great days, and there's some bad days like this one. I just want to enjoy my days but I just get so much junk in my head that I can't basically.

feel free to ask any questions about anything ocd thats stuck on your mind. I’ve been through a lot so i’m sure i will be able to ease your mind in someway, even if its very specific!

I’m going through what is hopefully just a really bad hypochondria episode where I’ve convinced myself I have schizophrenia. It’s been about 8 months and I’ve been through a range of crazy symptoms but the most prevalent symptom is getting crazy delusional thoughts like “what if my wife is a demon and trying to get to me” “what if nobody is real and these are all monsters/demons out to get me” etc etc. the thoughts are absolutely terrifying and they make me look at people differently, and i have to question myself whether I truly believe the thoughts or not, they feel so real, when they come on I almost catch myself genuinely feeling paranoid that they are 100% real and having a panic attack, but then the tiny bit of me that’s still rational brings me back to reality. And from then on I have to question myself all day “do I really believe this?” “Well you technically can’t disprove those things” “if it’s not real, then why does it FEEL real?” “This really is schizophrenia” “ what if it’s not schizophrenia but ACTUALLY real?” “who do I go to for help?” “What if I can’t trust anyone” etc, it’s literally hell. I can never give a satisfying “No, I don’t believe this” to these thoughts. I can go days and weeks and be able to confidently shrug them off and tell how ridiculous they are only for them to come back with a vengeance the next day. I could really use some reassurance even though I know it’s bad. I have never been like this before until I started obsessing over schizophrenia. I’ve been like this for 8 months now.

Another thing I’ve realised and wondered if this is true for others, do you start to see aspects of your theme everywhere in things when you didn’t before?

How do I overcome it?

I had been doing a lot better with my OCD for several months-- I put in a lot of effort with NoCD, was frequently doing ERP exercises, and my head was much calmer. I moved in with a friend about a month ago though, and they're an amazing friend and a wonderful roommate. But they almost definitely have OCD as well, and we've discussed that a good few times. They're willing to challenge a couple of obsessive thoughts here and there, but a lot of their obsessions and compulsions are the same ones as mine, and I've been noticing myself "relapsing" a lot recently. They're not really interested in downloading the app or reading articles I send them, and OCD therapists cost an arm and a leg where we live (if you can even find one). I'm not sure how to get myself back to a point of peace. When they verbally obsess and indulge compulsions, it makes it incredibly hard to not do the same. Does anyone have any advice on how to get back into the swing of things?