Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I hope people can relate but I have been having issues with obsessive thoughts and they have been effecting me really badly.

tw: su1cide. i feel so bad that i could easily choose death if it were painless. i'm a little afraid of dying, of stopping breathing.. life has no meaning for me for a while now, i feel apathy and a strong discouragement. now, with this problem, i really see myself as a despicable human being and impossible to "get it right". i feel bad about this, because it was a problem that i "hunted" with my own hands. i feel this. i can't stand the doubt, the pain, the thoughts against and the thoughts in favor anymore. it drives me crazy, takes away my peace and my happiness. i didn't have many good feelings before this problem, as far as i can remember..my memory is cloudy and i can't say anything about myself anymore. but i have the desire and the will to be a good person, to be kind, to be normal, to mean something good and to have a positive impact on the lives of the people around me. it seems like i discovered i was a horrible, paraphilic human being.. i am not invalidating the struggle of criminal paraphiliacs who fight against their desires, i am just reinforcing that if i were a person like that, i wouldn't be able to handle it and i wouldn't have the same strength. i hate my body, my appearance, my mind and the way i behave. being born was a big mistake, even though I'm not to blame. i wanted to try something that would take me out of that world, idk..but i still worry about my family members because i will die with them having a good view of me, and that makes me uncomfortable. because i don't feel like a good person. i'm just tired.

Does anyone else have thoughts like mine? While I try not to compare, I know how mine has been very specific lately. For example, I have been on this same theme for a month now. Basically, it started from a black guy I saw at target and I thought “He’s cute.” I went into a spiral and was compulsive by telling my sisters and my boyfriend. Then I would have more thoughts because this one time I shook a protein bottle while looking at another black guy, and he looked at me, I felt the anxiety as I was doing it, I also did compulses by telling my sister and boyfriend, I even had the thought of “what if I liked it?” Later throughout that week, and for some reason this worked, I told myself “I liked it.” And then that gave me the continued thoughts of “I didn’t like it, ha. I knew it” I mean, I was gagging and almost threw up from it and I was talking back to my OCD. The doubt and the uncertainly what was killing me. Now, my brain and my body gets nervous around black guys. Sometimes, scared. For example, this morning this black man called to schedule his mother’s mammogram, I was pretty rude and I wasn’t polite, on purpose. Because I didn’t want to seem friendly and I didn’t want my OCD to be fed anything off of the conversation like “How was my tone talking to them?” Or “Did they think I was being flirty?” So I was very or as monotone as I could be. Most likely because in the morning, and lately I have been having thoughts for weeks, they can go like “ I want a big black cock” “I want a big strong black man” “I like black men” “I want a black man to string me out” “I wonder how it would be to suck black cock, I’m curious” The last one was from this morning, and it started to make me gag, I ended up taking my Lexapro: and at this point, there’s times where these thoughts will rotate around my head. And they can come while I’m talking to my boyfriend and I get distracted. Sometimes, I’m able to be sexual with him and I’m okay. Other times, I had a dream about my ex and then thought of their dick, I didn’t have an image of it, because it’s been years, but my mind went there. Lately, the Lexapro has been doing good at calming me down. This morning, it was hard since I was gagging and I felt dizzy since last night. Sometimes, I feel my heart beating so fast. I’ve been able to let the thoughts pass and go. But when I see a black guy I get scared, I believe this started because of the first scenario that started all this at target and when I told my boyfriend he said that most of my thoughts have been about black men and that I might like them. I know these are intrusive thoughts, and even when I’m not anxious, I am worried what if I enjoy my thoughts and I used to relay on my feelings to prove to me I didn’t, even when I would cry and gag. But this morning I literally went “Nooooo” when I had the thought because I let it go on my mind. I read that the Lexapro and OCD can have other people have these moments and that the thoughts get worse before they get better, cause, back then, if I was off medication, I would probably compulse or gag all day/leave work. So some progress is better than none at least (: I used to worry I was cheating, and now I know that it isn’t that, and that these thoughts are coming out of my control, it even feels like a different voice, it’s my voice but it feels like an outsider, not something I am or actually “thought” even thought I thought it. Does anyone else have this too? What are some tips to handle this? My psychiatrist appointment will not be until February so I wanted to calm myself down a bit since I have a time away until I can vent to a professional. Thank you!

I had an incredible moment with god today and I was so happy and then I had an intrusive thought saying “what if that was the devil” and I immediately rebuked it and thinking “why would I say that” and now I’m freaking out. I need help

I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. i feel like i have to constantly question if it’s OCD or not. the panic attacks are insane and i freak out. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone. Even when i do get better in the back of my mind it’s always “people who want to are the same a day before too” im genuinely scared and im scared one day im going to just snap and do it because its “too much” do i need to go to a mental hospital! i feel insane.

I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. i feel like i have to constantly question if it’s OCD or not. the panic attacks are insane and i freak out. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone. Even when i do get better in the back of my mind it’s always “people who want to are the same a day before too” im genuinely scared and im scared one day im going to just snap and do it because its “too much” do i need to go to a mental hospital! i feel insane.

Hello! Does anyone here ever feel like they have to ask people over and over again for confidentiality? I have a lot of people in my life that are part of my recovery and my OCD feels like it needs 100 percent certainty that my info will be kept secret. The thing is a lot of times it is really sensitive info! However, it feels like the more I ask the more I have to keep asking other ppl which clues me in to the fact that it’s not a normal thing. I was wondering if anyone else deals with this?

Does anyone who has a history with porn ever worry that they have seen inappropriate or even illegal videos without intending to see them? When I was a teenager I remember watching a lot of videos but searched for other people my age for some reason and found both fictional and real videos on normal sites. As an adult, I remember being disgusted by seeing people make playlists of videos having underaged people or them doing normal things but pedos that advantage of this stuff which is so disgusting. When I relapse on porn and strictly try to find perfectly legal things to watch on YouTube, this stuff is still here and it's so gross. When I was s teenager I just didn't think I knew better consequence wise because I was so young and was so focused on the excitement but I remember being 18 and clicking on a playlist out of curiosity because I was hoping it wasn't real I guess or that there would be people strictly against it. When I did it was a creep asking for how young they were and the uploader knew. Through all of this I was filled with anxiety, scared, and just sick. I feel like I'm awful for this because I clicked on it while near the end of watching videos and that's what makes me freak out about it. As an adult I've never searched for anything like that and I hope the false memories saying otherwise aren't true. I really hope not because I have one event that says I was 18 and did it but I think I was 17 or 16 going on 17. Overall I'm trying to quit watching this stuff for good because it's damaged be in many different ways for many years now. It's keeping me from being my best self and even keeping me from pursuing relationships. I just don't want to waste anymore of my time on it. I always tell myself this and I end up going back to it anyway because I just get so overwhelmed with life.

OCD brings so much unnecessary guilt and shame, and I understand we need to accept the uncertainty and be able to find forgiveness within ourselves if we are dealing with past issues, but is it really possible to eliminate these negative feelings and be able to focus on the present? I'm always looking back and wishing things had ended up differently. "Maybe if I didn't do this, maybe if these things didn't occur... Maybe." It wasn't always like this for me, and that's how I've been holding onto hope that things will improve if I continue to march forward, seeking help from professionals and people around me. But, I still have those thoughts... That life would be much easier if I didn't have to deal with any of this, and these thoughts act as a weight that tugs me down and keeps me from progression. How do people do it? I flip-flop between this multiple times a day. I'll be hopeful, and then the next second, I don't even want to be here. I'm going to be seeing my psychiatrist in a little over a week from now, but I've picked up so many new fears since my last appointment (a month ago). There's always something... It feels impossible. I know it technically isn't, but still. I've seen people that have more extreme cases than my own, and they've been able to recover. But if it isn't my exact situation, the doubt always finds a way to sneak in, and it makes me feel like I don't deserve a future where I'm not constantly being bombarded by intrusive thoughts and things. Before this, I had intrusive thoughts. It's normal, but I didn't remember each and every one, if any. It's hard to move forward with all of this, coupled with the loads of trauma I have to unravel. I don't feel like a "normal" life is even possible for me. I miss who I was a year ago. I've lost all confidence in myself in the span of seven months. I feel like I have whiplash from how quickly things changed. This post started out with a genuine question, but it turned into a mini vent. I'm sorry😭 I'm genuinely curious if life will ever go back to how it was, or if people just live with this constant voice in their heads shouting at them every day.

**TW for POCD** I know intrusive thoughts can literally be anything but I’ve been dealing with thoughts that feel tied to curiosity, especially about anatomy, and it feels like they’re charged because of the subject matter. I’m not sure if they’re intrusive. For example, I might get a question about prepubescent anatomy or reproductive functions, and it feels like it could be intrusive or at least anxiety-inducing. Usually, I try to handle it by looking up neutral, educational resources like illustrative charts or articles, and that tends to calm the anxiety, and I feel fine. But afterward, I feel lingering guilt, even though I do my best to approach it with a want to learn instead of anxiety. **********TW********** The questions will be something like (these thoughts will pop into my head less formally): How testicles develop from childhood to adulthood? What do they look like before puberty? What does a condition like micropenis look like? (I know this one isn’t POCD related but unfortunately it brought up an image of a baby instead of an adult and triggered me terribly) Are erections something that is possible from birth? Is the vaginal canal fully developed at birth, is it as textured as it is as in adulthood? *********************** I’m unsure if this is part of my OCD, if I’m overanalyzing it, or if it’s something I should manage differently (not look up?). I think there’s a clear place my OCD does attach to and it’s where it tells me that I will look up something harmful or just worse if I looked up these ‘curiosities.’ It also fuels the thoughts that I’m a pervert, though I’ve always been interested in anatomy. It just feels more urgent now and anxiety inducing when it’s about children. I hope that makes sense. I saw a post made by another person on this app who had similar thoughts and I’m leaning towards it being OCD related. Any advice? Thank you in advance :)

I was watching a movie with my mom and it was about a family that brought this ai and they were talking to it like an Alexa and there were kids in it so as soon as I walked in there was this child like in middle school he was on the tablet and searched for the word b**bs and I was like wtf....something was telling me to stop watching the movie but I ignored it anyway because i just wanted to expose myself and so when the ai was talking to the family the kids face finally showed up on screen and I litterly kept looking and checking to see if I was attracted and it litterly felt like I was because but Idk it was kinda like a tingly anxiety feel good in my stomach like it felt genuine!?! Like what the FUCK is going on and the worst part about it is that I got a intrusive thought in my head but it felt like I actually was the one saying it and it said oh he's kinda... Like WHAT!? I don't know what's going on anymore with me like I'm really scared I litterly just ignored it and try to kept replacing thoughts in my head saying aww so adorable every time they kept coming up on screen especially with the other child I had to look away because no like is this my life now I don't understand I've been around kids all my life and I've NEVER ever felt anything this all can't be from a compulsion and now it genuily feels like I like or am attracted I'm so scared I don't want to be a p word I've feel like I've accepted this crap it's so scary I feel lightheaded I feel like I'm denying or oppressing something Idk what to do it's never gotten this bad.

Hi everyone. I'm feeling kinda scared because I have to wait a whole month to start ERP therapy, but I feel like I need to start doing exposures now because the longer I wait, the more anxiety I get. It just feels like the OCD monster is getting worse. One thing that helps me is asking one person about an obsession I have...asking a person that I trust, and then doing an exposure after I get the "ok" to do it. I feel like I do need 1 reassurance and then I can go ahead and do it. I know i'm not supposed to ask for reassurance at all, but i dont think you're supposed to do ERP on your own right? Does anyone have any suggestions for what to do while waiting for therapy? PS-the reason there is a wait is bc she's on vacation. After she's back we will meet regularly.

Hello NOCD community! ♡ So I've been consciously living with OCD for the past few years, and I've gone to therapy a few times, though I've not necessarily gotten help for my OCD. These last few months my OCD has been especially intense, and it has affected my quality of life. I've been in a depressive mood most of the time, and performing day-to-day activities has been difficult. My productivity levels have been low, and I've wasted a lot of time on obsessions and compulsions. It feels like OCD has taken over my life and I'm watching days pass me by as I spend hours and hours on OCD-related behaviours. What I've been struggling with the most lately is rumination and trichotillomania. I find myself trying to form mental images of certain words, concepts, situations, etc. when I can't fully understand them or sometimes it really just seems to be for no apparent reason. I dwell on trying to form these mental images or repeat certain phrases/sentences over and over in my head, and I get frustrated when I do not gain enough clarity, sometimes giving up or telling myself things like "it doesn't matter", "let go" or "anyway". I also find that when I'm watching something without exact subtitles or without any at all and I'm not sure exactly what has been said, I rewind it over and over until I gain clarity. This can happen with insignificant background speech, or when people are talking over each other, sometimes I feel the need to know exactly what everyone is saying. I also feel the need to read or look at everything on online pages, sites or posts down to the most inconsequential details, and I dwell on details in images/videos that are unclear to figure out exactly what I am looking at. I also overthink a lot of decisions I make, even very small ones (for example putting my laptop to sleep instead of hibernating it), and I try to imagine what will happen if I do the opposite action, and I reassure myself of the decision I've made or else sometimes end up going back on it and doing the opposite action. I also overthink scenarios in the past and try to remember exactly how they happened. I could go on and on, but you probably get the point. Basically, I'm just in my head 24/7. I've reached a point where I refuse to continue living like this because I know I'm meant for so much greater! But I desperately need help. I don't want to rely on a therapist or medication to get better. I want to learn how to manage it on my own. I just need help figuring out how to create an ERP plan that works for me because I don't even know where to start with that, and any other tools or resources that would help me in my solo recovery journey would be much appreciated as well! P.S. Happy holidays!!

Idk how to deal with the guilt. I know that part of recovering from ocd is to not do compulsions (mine are all mental) but how can I not do them when I feel extremely guilty for these thoughts that feel VERY real. It’s gotten to the point where I think they are real. And I’m just supposed to tell myself “oh I’m okay with the uncertainty, maybe I do like this stuff maybe I don’t??” How am I supposed to live with myself

I think I have pots and I am freaking out because there is no cure. I am getting intrusive thoughts like what if I never feel better again. I was supposed to go outside today and when I lifted my jacket to wear it, I started feeling light headed as if I will faint. I had to lie down on my bed with my heart pounding, with deep pounding. The closest thing I can explain is it felt like low blood pressure feeling or if you take too much blood and you feel woozy. I am in severe discomfort.

I am having a really hard time being home for the holidays. My intrusive thoughts are constant and loud. It sucks too, because my thoughts get triggered when I'm around one of my family members. I just want to distance myself, so I can stop the thoughts and feel like I'm not going to hurt anyone. I'm so distressed and depressed. What do you do to help calm your mind and remind yourself that you are a good person, despite what the thoughts say? I've already meditated, taken my Lexapro, and tried to remind myself that these thoughts want to attack the things I care about the most. Thanks. ❤️

This might contain triggering content, but I'm also wondering if others have dealt with this similar thought, and if so, how to deal with it? Overall, I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm able to eat again, which I hadn't been able to do because of how much anxiety I'd been experiencing. I'm spending time around loved ones and not just rotting in my room, and I've been able to wake up without immediately being bombarded by intrusive thoughts. When things first got really bad, I'd wake my mom up every night for reassurance, but I haven't done that in a while either. I'm really proud of myself, but there's still this nagging thought in my mind... While looking through others posts on here, hoping to find advice that'd fit my situation, I ended up making things worse. Someone mentioned how they had a fear that they'd purposely search for illegal content (related to POCD). I panicked, and "what ifs" flooded my thoughts. "What if the intrusive thoughts affect who I am as a person, and I do that?" I'm terrified that I'll search for those things, which I know means I wouldn't do it. But then, another person on here said they'd actually looked for those things, and that freaked me out even more. Does that mean it's possible for that to happen to me? I don't want to do that, but I keep having intrusive thoughts surrounding it. I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm just... stuck. I don't know what to do. I've spoken with other people who have the same fears, but how do I manage this? It's not something I've even thought about before seeing those posts. I've been practicing accepting the uncertainty, but I'm really struggling with this one. I hate this. This morning, I woke up, and the intrusive thoughts were back. It's just disheartening.

Three days ago, I tried to reassure myself and ended up doing a compulsion by reading online ( it’s been one month I have schizophrenia OCD) I came across information about schizophrenia, which mentioned that people with the condition often hear inner voices constantly. Since then, I've been hearing these voices 24/7, saying negative things to me and even commanding me to do things. I couldn’t help myself but continue reading about it, and when I saw that having these voices 24/7 was a symptom of schizophrenia, I started to worry that this might be happening to me my brain took this opportunity to play this symptom 24/7 to scare me .. I want to clarify that I have health anxiety, specifically OCD with pure O). This all started when I became curious about schizophrenia—I didn’t have much knowledge about it at the time. I read that people with schizophrenia sometimes experience delusional thinking, and for a week, I started having irrational thoughts, like thinking people were spying on me or that my brother was trying to hurt me.Every time I switch between new diseases but this theme lasted a lot Now, the inner voices are relentless, and I can't shake the fear that I might be developing schizophrenia. But deep down, I know this could be a product of my anxiety and OCD, especially since I’m fixating on the symptoms after reading about them. Every time IVe read about new symptoms and it scared me it switched into it but this one last cuz I’m so scared of it my brain tell me that this time it’s serious .. I don’t know what to do my psy is on vacation .. My two uncles are schizo also my brother ( due to drug for him ) and me having panic disorder and social anxiety doesn’t help me …

my boyfriend found out about me being secretly friends with a guy, over a month ago, and he asked if i added him on snap, which i didnt. but i did admit to trying to be friends wjth him, but i did talk to the guy on tiktok and instagram, so do i tell my boyfriend that or not? because he said he never wanted to hear about it again. and didnt want details at all. but i feel like im lying and did something terrible

When I was 16, I was going through a rough patch for sure, I would talk to just about anyone I could. There was this girl who I remember becoming friends with and she was 13 I believe. I don’t remember ever thinking anything of it. I remember talking to her about my ex’s and ranting to her and stuff like that. She would do the same. One day I remember her asking if when she got older if I would date her. And I remember saying no because I don’t like girls like that. I think after that we just continued to be friends. It wasn’t a very long lived thing or anything. My whole problem has been I can’t remember everything. I think to myself what if it was in appropriate I stayed friends with her after she showed interest it me. What if I did something inappropriate I didint mean to do and just didint think anything of it. We were both girls and I treated her like I would a normal girl that’s a friend. I keep thinking what if I sent her inappropriate pictures because at the time I was very insecure and showed off my body a lot often posting mirror pics and such on my stories and sending them to everyone. Basically fishing for compliments. I ended up having her blocked when I went back to look on my old Snapchat. I can’t remember why but I’m assuming it has something to do with me not wanting my ex to see our messages because I would talk badly about him to her. I’m not sure tho and of course that’s triggering as well. Mental rumination is a horrible thing to go through. My boyfriend tells me I’m okay, and that I did nothing wrong and I was just a kid myself even so. I would just hate to be a bad person and unknowingly take advantage of someone in a way I didint realize was possible? If that makes sense. Only thing I can say for sure is I did not mean to be innaproproate I just did not think into it that way of her age and her having a crush on me. She also had a boyfriend during most of it so I don’t think I thought anything of it because of that as well.