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Makes me feel lost. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

I’ve been dealing with ocd and anxiety since I was a kid, but these recent years have been the worst it’s ever been. It’s hard to communicate with people about your mental health so I’ve been self isolating by accident lol, my social anxiety is terrible and it’s extremely stressful for me to hangout with people and my friends don’t seem to really understand even when I try my best to explain. They notice I don’t hangout as much but to them it’s “me being weird “ or “ a fake friend” I don’t know what to do and it’s frustrating

Guys, I would like help with maladaptive daydreaming and impulsivity. What would both be in OCD? I've always had daydreams. But it was something I did because I liked creating stories. But recently I've noticed that sometimes when I'm stressed, if I think about a situation, it feels like I'm going to imagine it or want to imagine it. When I say don't do it, it feels like it's basically going to happen. I talked here the other day about what if I try to create a compulsion to get out of my subject? Yesterday I was so anxious and I did this counting thing. Then it came to my mind, "put something like, if you don't do this, someone will suffer harm." And I don't want that. And I don't even want to create this compulsion because I would know that it would be worse because I would never risk it. But the thing is, even though I had a clear idea, it seemed like I was going to do it. I just wouldn't let it happen. Is that daydreaming? Is that impulsiveness? This has happened to my OCD theme before. But I had the feeling that I wasn't taking things seriously. That I was being childish. But I don't do it on purpose, it seems like I can't get out of the habit. Thanks for the help!

hey guys, i’m almost fully healed in my socd journey but what’s stopping me is the false atractions. i get them almost 24/7 at this point and to every thing. they feel real and i hate them they make me feel disgusted. they also make me feel like hot and gross but then i see people saying thats what attractions feel like, but i have felt so much attraction to the opposite gender pre all of this and it felt nice and enjoyable not digustinf. i’m also getting false memory trying to show me ‘signal’ from my childhood to prove i’m gay amd i truly don’t know if they’re real. it’s so degrading and at this point i feel like govining up. pelesse if you have any advice or even if your going through the same thing just let me know. ocd is so terrible

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

Just gonna vent, this never happened to me before during my 20 years alive. Whether it is POCD or not, I have truly lost my sense of self and my innocence. Why of all things did this have to happen. Ive been experiencing more strong groinal responses and mixed feelings of arousal regarding specific thoughts. Its so odd, cause last month none of this happened, it was mainly just anxiety and mental breakdowns. Never did I think I would experience physical sensations as well. Acting on compulsions as well left me feeling absolute confusion, Ive stopped doing that but now I get the urge here and there, and Ive learned to sit with the discomfort. All this leaves me with more questions on whether I will truly get through this or not, or if people will understand my situation. On certain days I feel fine, on other days its sheer terror. I blame myself mainly for this all, It is scary as these images, causing both arousal and terror, only result in me feeling like a shell of my former self

About the beginning to middle of February I went into the doctor and requested to see a counselor. I’m starting to see a counselor about anxiety in a few days and I’m extremely nervous. I’m nervous my counselor is going to say I have to break up with my bf otherwise I’ll be stuck with ocd for the rest of my life. I’m nervous my counselor is going to think I’m crazy and not know anything about ocd. I’m nervous my counselor is going to tell my aunt how crazy and messed up I am because my aunt works in the clinic I’m going to therapy at, and if she tells my aunt everyone in my family may find out. I’m nervous I’m going to hell because I’m going to counseling and not fully leaning on God instead to fix it all for me. I’m nervous I’m a bad Christian for going to therapy and not believing Jesus is going to fix it all. I’m nervous that my future is ruined because of my mental health. I’m worried that my boyfriend is going to break up with me because I’m too much to handle and too anxious. I’m just scared for my future because of my ocd and because I am not as passionate about my faith as I used to be so I feel like I’m gonna go to hell for that or like my sister is going to die because of her seizures because of my ocd. Idk I’m so scared.

Recently a deceased tenant was found in apartment next door to my mine. This is an extremely distressing situation and I am unable to let go of replaying the images of a funeral service removing the body through the hallway to the elevator and the super foul odor. This has made my living situation unbearable. I am hoping the landlord may allow me to relocate to another property/unit but my lease is not over for 6 months. They covered one night at a hotel while they ozone the air and hired a cleaning crew. Nonetheless I am immensely obsessed the air is still hazardous and another tenant will be found next to me again! I am compulsively holding my breath, blowing air out my nostrils, keeping the window open then close, spraying air freshener, avoiding the frequency of passing through the shared hallway, not going in the elevator, repetitive looking at the shared wall and their door, not touching the shared wall. Obsessed haunted presence. Obsessed I will get sick and die breathing in the air of the decomposing body. Obsessed with death the fear of the unknowing, what if no one found me like the tenant (7 days), how I will die, when I will die, what happens after death, being buried alive or cremated alive! Fear it’s not in my control! Fear how others will die! When others die! Especially my dog!! Fear I won’t be able to cope when my dog dies!

I was diagnosed with OCD and I started Prozac 10 days ago. I have struggled with intrusive taboo sexual thoughts for 12+ years (I’m 24) but now I feel like it’s turning into feelings. I’ve never done anything to anyone or nor do I wish to ever. I am just scared of my own brain if this is something I actually want. My psychiatrist said I should feel better/start getting clarity after 2 weeks. But I keep feeling worse and worse. Anyone else has experience with Prozac and how it went for them?

So I think what's been so specifically tough for me (idk if this is what others go through with the real event stuff) is that ... Well I basically have this mental system... - Something has been dealt with -- which means it's "ok" it's "acceptable" assessment of ___. Rumination to "problem solve" with the intrusive thought. - CONSTANT inquiries to Challenge that previous assessment conclusion i.e. "no that hasn't actually been deal with, you didn't think about ____ or this other angle or this other new thing related to it" etc. Idk how tf you fix that with ERP? Idk up from down at this point Is the "system" OCD? Should people not try to problem solve (even though it's actually rumination)? Should I not engage with the "challenges?" HOW TF does Peace of Mind actually happen when the answers seem to be "you must be delusional" or "you must leave (significant) things un-dealt with / open ended" Like, what's that actual solution here? Hopefully this made sense. Thanks

Hello everyone, I'm writing this because I've been struggling heavily for the past two months. I went through a breakup that I won't go into vast detail about. However, it was very abrupt with little "closure" or reasoning. It was simply based off of intuition from the other person, which is completely valid - he also said I didn't do anything wrong. This uncertainty already sounds like an OCD nightmare, which is why I'm sharing my story. There was no incompatibility, unshared values, patterns. Probably just no communication on his end towards when he started having this feeling. I thought this person was MY person, and it certainly was heavily reciprocated and initiated by him. He is also my coworker, and someone I went into a relationship with massive intentions, the slow burn and serendipity of it was special to me. This connection was a safe space and I put all my trust into him, he was my rock romantically and when things were good, he really built that trust up with me and I never wanted to let it go. I also thought I was a good partner, and tried my best. Of course I still had my family/friends, school, apartment life, career. I really felt like everything in my life had lined up and this relationship was the cherry on top for a while. Obviously we both made mistakes and there was ups and downs, but I never once questioned my love for him or thought he might suddenly leave. Which is something that can happen to anyone. After our breakup, I felt completely lost, betrayed, blindsided.....and to make matters worse, I blame myself for everything and my OCD immediately went into max gear. The uncertainty of the entire situation was so scary to me, all I could say or think was that I was scared. And I wasn't ready to face the pain that was about to come, not to mention the OCD already creeping up into full panic mode, especially without a person I considered a huge support system. OCD looks for clarity - not just me as a human looking for clarity. It felt like there was layers and layers of complexity for me that I couldn't face, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I made a horrible mistake and attempted S. After going through an extremely vulnerable situation at the hospital, I went through inpatient and found it extremely difficult to accept my old life was simply gone, out of thin air. After I came out, I couldn't even be in my own apartment. I didn't feel safe, in a place I worked hard to get and felt "independent" in. Independence was one of my biggest personal values, now I feel anxiously attached. I also didn't feel safe at work, which was once a good distraction for me and something I also worked hard towards, I can't quit. And not to mention, the loss of an important relationship. I sought support from my family, who has been so unbelievably supportive and I also started to try to figure out what I was going to do. It was extremely hard trying to find an Intensive Outpatient Program that would work with my schedule, and also I was set to start my new semester in school again soon. I ended up setting up therapy with NO OCD twice a week. My therapist has been EXTREMELY helpful, and I honestly did not think that finding someone specialized in OCD would be so life changing. Anyway after everything that happened, I'm still struggling with feeling like a BAD person. It's my reoccurring theme. I thought that I was somehow a manipulator because of my attempt. I know I reacted poorly, but I'm also learning to give myself grace for the pure pain anyone would feel and know that it was an isolated incident (never talked about it before, especially not in relationship). I also try to remind myself that my situation is unique and only I know the pain. I also think back again and again, to every little thing I could have done wrong and it hurts me. I think about isolated mistakes or things I said, and think that's the reason why my whole relationship failed. I take the blame for everything. And it all ties back to me being a bad person. It feels like it's never ending. Sometimes I feel good, but it's still really hard to stop the cycle for me. I think about every little thing. I honestly couldn't even slightly comprehend how someone can vastly change their behavior - it felt like he truly died. That person who I got into a relationship, was no longer here. Interpreting his behavior, actions and words has been difficult, not to mention my own - but It's easier for me as I continue to give myself grace knowing that I did what I could within the relationship with the information I had. I also try to remind myself that I took a lot of accountability, and would have listened if things were brought up. The same mistakes I made, were not the same he made - but OCD keeps trying to make me overly reflect on myself only, if that makes sense. Taking OCD away completely - interpreting that is already complex. Adding OCD, it's horrible...my brain keep trying to find certainty in SOMETHING, anything. So little things come to my head, and suddenly I'm a bad person. Suddenly, he's reached happiness and I lost him because....I'm a bad person. Suddenly I was too needy, too much, showed my OCD, and he thought I was a bad person. It's honestly exhausting. I've never hid my OCD, but I did feel like I was actively working on it and also trying to be a good partner, sister, daughter, friend. I was content, and I wasn't expecting this or maybe I would have been more prepared, I've had breakups before with longer relationships. It's hard to know how OCD just came into FULL gear after this hardship, it's hard to know that - although I was working on it - I felt content and wasn't experiencing symptoms regularly. Suddenly, I was in full panic mode all the time. It's made me question my entire reality, I hope this makes sense. I know the levels of this were traumatic, and I am doing A LOT better just two months in. I'm looking forward to more progress and hope that I can accept uncertainty more and more. Regardless of how I felt, he can suddenly leave and without reason. And I'm learning that not everything is my fault, and that I have so many good things in my life I should be grateful for. Although when I came out of the hospital everything was flipped upside down, I still have a job....an apartment and family/friends and school, not to mention the work I need to do on myself and OCD. Maybe one aspect of my life (relationship), is gone - but everything else is still there. It's hard, I've been staying with my mom and this weekend I'm going back to my apartment to face my loneliness. With the help of my therapist, I'm learning to be uncomfortable in my apartment. I think this experience has COMPLETELY broken me as a person, but because of it I was able to face my OCD head on in a way I've NEVER had to do before. I could have probably kept it symptom free for the most part, but this has challenged me in a way I never thought possible - almost as if - I get through this, I might be able to defeat it. And also understand pain on such a deep level, that I can be there for my family, friends, etc in a new way I never thought possible. I probably forgot to include a lot of stuff, but lets just accept that it's extremely complex to explain - and all I know is that I'm not a bad person because OCD says so.....separating the relationship from the attempt. In the relationship, I tried my absolute best and we both made mistakes. In the attempt, I can acknowledge my pain and move forward from it in a non judgmental and graceful way. Even though I delt with extreme guilt for putting my family through something they couldn't understand and guilt for myself and for everyone involved, even though I know it's okay.

Any one else deal with this? Like from the moment they wake up to the second they fall asleep, the intrusive thoughts are there?

How long should I do ERP, so that my brain gets used to it, not to say tired?! I've been working for about three months, but everything still seems vivid in my head, there are even vulgar words in detail... since the sexual topic is both a groinal and a feeling that I want to touch myself. It's mostly related to faces and genitals, so how exactly can that go, if it's emphasized that sex pictures in themselves give that feeling, whoever is in them?

Does anyone deal with rumination with their childhood past mistakes. Deep down I know I didn’t know any better but then I start having thoughts and it gets worse after that. I also recently have dealt with death in the family, started my period, started college and just moved to my own apartment this last month. :-/ I genuinely just wish I could let go of my past I feel like I could be a better person for myself mentally if I could just let it go.

Hi Everyone! I hope whoever is reading this is having a good day so far :) So for years now I’ve had very bad intrusive thoughts about things that I have done or embarrassing things that I’ve said or have happened and it’s mortifying and debilitating on a daily basis. Specifically these thoughts are mainly things that have occurred from 2018-2020 and some are more simple just as a stupid joke I made or being way too loud on calls while my family was trying to sleep and others being way more complex such as past relationships and how I’ve hurt some of the people I care the most about and when I have acted on intrusive thoughts and these thoughts will appear with no triggers at all I’ll just wake up and already have something I did just nagging me. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I’ve tried working through it with self compassion but sometimes the things I said or did back then it’s very hard to forgive myself for and I’ll reminisce on it for hours on hours, gaslight myself into believing that’s not how it happened and try to change the memory itself, or just suppress it entirely. I know those habits aren’t healthy and truly I want to get better but I don’t know how to overcome some of these thoughts. I have talked to my fiancé about this a few times and even today we talked about it and he fully supports me and is helping me work through it. I might also contact my sister too, I don’t talk to her overly too much but ever since I was little she’s thought I’ve had ocd and was one of the people who made me consider that I might have it (I’m still undiagnosed but I’ll try to when I have the money and time) and I know she could maybe provide some insight. Another thing that is troublesome about the situation is my other family members specifically my mom aren’t the most helpful and can trigger thoughts. To put it in perspective on how her thought process is and some background info she is an ER nurse and has been for 30 years due to this she believes she knows mainly everything there is about mental health and she gets extremely upset when I don’t take her advice or set boundaries. She’ll force me to talk to her about my problems and when I don’t want to she’ll pin me in a corner where I’m forced to and last summer I had a really bad episode and was really overstimulated and I just finished taking a shower and due to the water on me, my hair being wet (my hair is naturally curly and it takes forever to dry and it’s very draining taking care of even with a keratin treatment) and all the intrusive thoughts I was having and she forced me to talk to her and I did open up for the first time about my thoughts and brought up how sometimes I have thoughts of hurting my animals and it makes me physically sick. Her response to this was threatening to call the cops on me saying it was a behavioral thing and I was doing it for attention. I have never hurt any of my animals but later that day my cat came into my room and a few minutes later she comes up just gives me the death stare and after a few seconds just asks me “are you going to go kill snickers?” In the most condescending tone and she’s always like this daily where she’ll force advice onto me or get upset and yell and then reinforce thoughts I’m having. I just want to know first how to stop the thoughts from so frequently and how to heal in an environmental where it keeps reopening wounds despite trying to place boundaries? I’m sorry this is really long I usually do go really in detail about things and it’s just how I’ve always been. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask and I’ll answer them to the best of my ability. I really appreciate the time you took to read this and thank you for your help! 🥰

I posted about this the other day and a therapist responded that if it has the usual ocd tells, then it’s most likely ocd. I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. They say even if it’s new for you chances are others have had the same or similar ocd experience. So, this is new for me and just like when I get an intrusive thought i’ve recently been getting what I call intrusive emotions. I will feel something like sad or jealous in a situation when in reality I don’t feel that way at all. For example, my ocd targets certain family members and if one of them is watching tv and thinks a woman is pretty i’ll suddenly feel sad or jealous when I don’t actually care or feel that way because that’s my family member and I don’t think about or feel for them in any inappropriate way. Also, sometimes when I have a harm intrusive thought my ocd will say that I want something horrible to happen to my family member and I will feel like I actually want it but that’s not what I want or how I feel at all. Is there anyone who has had this or something similar happen?

How do you deal with so many bad things that OCD makes you think about? Because ever since my therapist said it might not be OCD, even though that she believe it is, I think a lot that if it isn't, So I created such bad thoughts in my head. And my god, what a horrible thing. I never wanted this. My parents don't deserve such a bad daughter.

I recently posted about my experience with Existential OCD (https://app.treatmyocd.com/community/posts/2184668), and one of the most common questions I got was how to deal with DPDR (depersonalization and derealization), as it often goes hand-in-hand with existential obsessions. I wanted to create this post to summarize my thoughts and understanding of DPDR, so I have something to point people towards. For context, I'm not a trained mental health professional, doctor, or neuroscientist. I'm just someone who has been through the gambit with OCD, and has learned about the mind through conversations with several therapists, reading books, and watching videos. I also regularly consult with a few Buddhist teachers, and have been practicing meditation for several years. Please keep all of this in mind, and take everything I say with a grain of salt. First, some quick terminology: Depersonalization = a feeling of "detachment" from your own body, almost as if you're living life as an autonomous robot. Derealization = a feeling of "detachment" from the outside world, where people, places, and things feel distant or alien. They often go hand-in-hand, and mainly differ in terms of what feels "unreal" (yourself, or the outside world). It's easy to see how this can coincide with obsessive existential thoughts. After all, when things feel unreal, how can you help but think about the big questions of existence? So these feelings often make those with OCD extremely uncomfortable, and the desire to make it "go away" inevitably arises. But, just like with anxiety, most attempts to "get rid" of it generally make it worse. Even grounding exercises can become problematic if the goal of those exercises is to get rid of DPDR, just like any other compulsion. That's why my first piece of advice is always to acknowledge and accept the feeling. One way to get comfortable accepting any feeling is to understand where it comes from. As of today, the exact neurobiological workings of DPDR aren't fully understood, but one thing seems to be pretty clear: DPDR is the result of the brain momentarily shifting gears to protect itself from overwhelm. It's something that happens when you are stressed, and/or burnt out. It's the brain protecting itself from overstimulation, similar to a circuit breaker closing down parts of an electrical circuit to prevent overloading. It's important not to take this information as reassurance against the existential intrusive thoughts that arise during DPDR, rather simply as an explanation as to what is happening in the present moment. I'm a big proponent of using "maybe, maybe not" responses to intrusive thoughts. So in the case of DPDR, you may considering responding to the existential thoughts with: "Maybe that's true, maybe it isn't. Right now, this brain is overwhelmed, and it is protecting itself." (Side note: the use of "this brain" instead of "my brain" is a habit I've picked up from Buddhist philosophy. It's a way of practicing non-attachment to the self. If that doesn't work for you then feel free to phrase it in whatever way makes sense. I also recognize the beautiful irony of bringing up non-attachment in a post about DPDR 😂) Basically, you want to acknowledge the existential thoughts, acknowledge the feeling of DPDR, acknowledge that the DPDR is coming from a place of stress, and then refocus your attention to the present moment. The key is to not refocus your attention in hopes to GET RID of the thoughts or feelings, but to do it DESPITE those things. You need to teach yourself first-hand that none of those things are dangerous, and that you can continue to live life while scary thoughts exist in the mind, and while you feel uncomfortable things. The more you try to push the DPDR away, or logically dig yourself out of a hole, the more stressed you will become. And since DPDR is a stress response, this will only cause it to stick around longer. It's the same ironic cycle that fuels the intrusive thought / compulsion loop. Sometimes it can last for a few minutes, a few hours, days, weeks, or even months. While DPDR disorder exists, in many cases (especially with OCD), DPDR tends to persist because of our resistance to it. If you find that it just won't go away, try not to get discouraged. Instead, look for the resistance, and consider how you may be able to open up to the experience in a lighter way. If you find yourself resisting, gently remind yourself: "I don’t need to figure this out right now. I can let the brain do its thing and focus on living life." It can also help to recontextualize the DPDR. I like to think of it like a warm blanket or sweater, or the brain taking a nap. You wouldn't want to wake someone up from a nap, would you? Let 'em rest! I hope there is something helpful here for those struggling with this issue. Trust me, I've been there.

I’m irrationally terrified of being found somehow by someone who knows me but I’m trying to post anyway. Not sure if I qualify as young adult or mid-life at this point because I’m about to be 30. Hi, I’m new here and I’m in the process of getting a diagnosis. I’m already diagnosed with autism, GAD, and probable ADHD, and I believe I’ve had varying subtypes of OCD since childhood. My worst OCD-related issue right now has been constant reassurance seeking. I’ve fallen into a trap of constantly doing it and without reassurance I’m terrified to make decisions in my new job. It’s causing me to ask too many questions I already know the answers to which makes me not look competent. Even though I’m somewhat experienced in my field of work, starting this new job has me feeling like I’m starting in the field all over again because I’m so bad these days with working independently since I can’t reassure myself that what I’m doing is correct. I’ve been stressed out of my mind and have come close to losing my job because the stress has exacerbated my autistic struggles such as meltdowns and social issues and I’m also battling the ADHD and GAD on top of it. I’ve also been pushing away people who are close to me with my reassurance seeking because I have problems with not being satisfied with any piece of advice or reassurance given to me by friends and family. They can say things will be okay a thousand times and even though I’m the one who asked I will fight them on it and I’m getting tired of my own difficult behavior and obsessive thoughts. I finally got into therapy again to try and save my job and my relationships from the clutches of my various mental illnesses and I’m just looking for community here.

I have a fear that i intentionally put a thought of my baby girl in my head during sex.. i dont know what happened anymore, was that intrusive, what happened at all, i just cant remember, everything is fuzzy... Only thing i know for sure is that i dont feel anything sexual towards my daughter and that is the only thing im certain of... Anyone had similiar experience and what has helped you move on? Im stuck with this terrible feelings for 5 days now..