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TW saw a traumatizing video of this poor child in gaza and now my head wont stop replaying it. What do i do? its make me sick.

Have you ever been blackout drunk or on any substance that causes you to blackout and your ocd tells you that you did something horrible or something happened to someone and you were there and you were under the influence so your ocd gets triggered and makes you think you did it even though you weren’t having intrusive thoughts at that time in your life?

My real event went from the age range of 12-17 and since it feels so recent I am struggling to forgive myself and move on. I went into more detail in my other post if you’re curious. The guilt and shame I feel for things I did as a child is ruining my life at this point.

I am terrified of posting this but am doing it as part of an exposure. This post will contain mentions of grooming, csa, pedophilia, zoophilia, incest, rape, porn, and chronic guilt. I got my first computer when I was around six years old. This was the late 2000s and my parents were pretty old when they had me so I had basically no restrictions. It basically put a huge target on my head. Over the years I was groomed a lot into thinking things like pedophilia and zoophilia were okay, i dated a guy who was 18-19 when i was 9, i saw a lot of horrific porn that I am ashamed to have seen. For a long while I looked at anime porn of things like incest, rape, beastiality, etc. I finally stopped when I was around 16 but the guilt and fear I feel over it is eating me alive. I grew up in a school system that told me 14-17 is a “young adult” and so I feel like I should have known better. I also owned a fantasy werewolf/furry dildo but threw it out a while ago because I felt so much guilt. I feel no attraction to kids or animals but if I see one I get intrusive thoughts and images which heavily distress me. I am so scared of turning into a pedophile or zoophile because of what I used to look at as a kid. I know rationally that kids and teens are weird and curious, and that being groomed wasn’t my fault. But I can’t move on or forgive myself. My OCD latches onto anything it can get its hands on but this has by far been the worst. It has made me completely abstain from anything sexual out of fear and I hate myself daily because of what I’ve seen. I am currently working with an OCD therapist and a trauma therapist. They have helped a lot but I still feel so alone in this.

I sometimes wonder if I even have OCD. My primary subtype is Real Event. Even my other subtypes (POCD, ROCD) usually revolve around specific real events. I have over 10-15, and they are all actually really bad. Confirmed really bad. Some of the most immoral things a person can do without going to jail. I just wasn’t a good person at all between the ages of like 16-22. I had an incredibly poor moral compass and I did so many hurtful, harmful things without second thought or consideration for others. I don’t even feel like I have OCD. My first therapist thought so, and my current therapist is starting ERP with me next week per her suggestion (I did ERP with my first therapist). But since all of my worries, fears, regret, and shame are actually real and valid, treating the constant memories and shame like OCD feels like a cop out. I actually was a very immoral person. I know that having OCD isn’t really about the events themselves, but how I respond to them (ruminating, mental review, confessing, researching, etc.). It just feels so wrong trying to be happy when I’ve done so many genuinely fucked up things. I don’t deserve to move forward. I just want support, I want to know what’s wrong with me. But I don’t feel like I belong here. Everyone on here seems so genuinely good. Especially regarding feared real events. I see posts here of people fearing that they did things 1/100th as bad as things I’m actually certain I’ve done. People are so afraid that they are what I am actually proven to be. I’m not trying to discount anyone’s experience, but I’ve never read a confession on here as bad as even my least concerning event. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I feel sick when I think of the things I’ve done, but I feel even more sick when I’m not thinking about it. These memories are too severe to let go. I’m growing so tired, and my hope fades more and more by the day. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve changed, what’s done is done. Who am I to try and be happy after what I’ve done?

Is it still only ocd when you think/obsess/ruminate over if something traumatic happened TO YOU not by you? Sometimes I get weird groinals or intrusive thoughts near my family members. It makes me wonder and ruminate over if something may have happened and I just can’t remember. Thoughts like, “What if I was abused and can’t remember?” I haven’t had this issue in a while but it came back up because I had a bad dream :( I know dreams are meaningless so I don’t want to ruminate over it but I don’t really know if anyone else has themes directed towards others like this. It’s almost like what if I have PTSD and don’t know it? Please help

I suffer from Instant false memories I think something and think it’s real like right away Sometimes I record myself so that I can know I’m not doing anything bad? Is that a compulsion?

I made a post earlier about how I was feeling so much better yesterday after receiving so much support on here but I woke up this morning and my ocd threw old intrusive thoughts and false memories at me that were my most painful. I just can’t escape my ocd. So now i’m back in the loop. My ocd always comes for my kids. They mean the most to me in this world so it’s the most painful theme of ocd i’ve had to face. My ocd will take any situation and twist it into something horrible. Examples are: one morning when my son was a toddler(he would sneak into bed with me at night sometimes) he woke up and he had the blanket wrapped around him and he was naked with his underwear on the floor. I had no idea why or how that happened thinking maybe he used the bathroom during the night and was half asleep so he took his underwear off before going into the bathroom instead of when he got into the bathroom and forgot to put them back on and he just got back in bed but my ocd said I must have done something inappropriate to him in my sleep and that has to be the only explanation. There was also a night my daughter fell asleep in my bed watching tv and I was in a deep sleep so I don’t remember much other than her saying “mommy” and I said “sorry mama” and moved over. I’m guessing I just rolled over on her or something but of course my ocd as always said I did something to her in my sleep. Why is my brain like this? I am always questioning myself knowing I would never hurt them or do anything inappropriate to them but my ocd makes me believe I did or every time I have a drink my ocd tells me I hurt them in some way. This is torture and a nightmare. I don’t want to live most days because of this. 😩 Does this happen to anyone else?? How do you get through it??

So I’ve recently discovered my ocd, my brother had been diagnosed when he was younger and struggles to a lot more noticeable degree. My parents have tried to their knowledge to help him with his obsessions before he had started therapy. I’ve always been there for my brother when he’s really dwelling on a trigger. Over time I had learned more and more about ocd and started to discover things about myself I never understood. I have struggled with mental health since I can remember and always brushed it off as chronic paranoia. But I started notice a lot of similarities between mine and my brothers triggers and after researching, realized I too suffer ocd obsessions and compulsions. My huge concern right now is even though my triggers and obsessions are different than his, I feel doubt about whether it not I am valid to speak on it. I feel guilty because I have watched him suffer false memory ocd and I don’t experience that so to me it seems ultimately worse. I had opened up to him recently about things I’ve been struggling with since I was little and he confirmed all of it as ocd thoughts and obsessions. I feel like suddenly all these unanswered questions about what’s wrong with me suddenly makes sense, but I’m so behind in discovering this that I’m afraid of being honest about it, and it being perceived by others as me trying to combat with my brothers experiences. I can talk to a therapist and it’ll feel like I’m being seen, but in my personal life, even with my boyfriend I have the chronic fear that people think I’m lying

I don’t care if this sounds mean. The man just decided to post that OCD is a beneficial disorder. It angers me so mucn that people think of ocd as this thing where it makes you more clean or it makes you more meticulous and perfect, etc. etc. it took me so long to get diagnosed with OCD because nobody could understand the fact that it’s not about being clean or having any sort of obsession with cleanliness or structure. For me, I’ve always struggled with OCPD. I’ve never not been obsessed with something in my entirety of existence. I have relationship OCD. I have OCD about being in narcissist I have OCD about climate change. I have OCD about the wars going on and how they might end up the state these things have genuinely impacted my left the point where I live in fear and I get so scared and will spend hours and hours researching the possibilities of these things being true. Misinform damages literally every single person involved even people who don’t have OCD. I’m just so sick of it. This dude has a huge platform and it really bothers me that people can get away with this shit

Hey! I don’t want to get too political or upset anyone, but I just am feeling really alone: Has anyone else been facing moral scrupulosity or other intrusive thoughts about world events like the war on Gaza? It’s hard to know what’s an appropriate amount of concern and what’s OCD and it’s kind of taking over my life.

I don’t fight the thoughts I just let them be. I don’t ruminate on them, well not in the same way that I used to. Attempting to disprove them is not something I engage with anymore. But since I’ve been not trying to disprove them I feel as though the distress is so unbearable. And I weirdly feel as though it’s now real and it’s not even OCD. When will the distress stop? I haven’t been doing compulsions. Yet the distress never seems to go away.

Has rumination ever helped you uncover small parts of the memory your obsessed with? For me it seems like this is happening and I’m getting excited at the idea of remembering almost everything and not having to deal with doubt and false memories surrounding it.

How do I tell myself to worry/do OCD stuff later. I’ve been anxious for different thing for a couple hours now and I just wanna take a break. But if I don’t do my OCD stuff in this exact moment, it won’t feel right and I feel like I will ruin it. Especially since a big event just happened and I get anxious during big events because I wanna enjoy them and not worry during, or in this case, after they happened.

I did a bad thing when I was a kid. I feel like I dont deserve to move on and dont deserve to be happy. I keep thinking about the damage that I did and I feel like I deserve to be alone . And that I cant be trusted. Any advice?

guys im feeling a lot of anxiety right now and l'm very scared. I was searching on reddit on how to disable automatic download for stickers, and while I was in there I found a thread about someone issuing the problem of telegram automatically downloading all media like stickers, images, videos, gifs in the gallery. This activated a horrible trigger in me because I have this horrible memory of someone in telegram sending out of nowhere an explicit illegal **** gif in a groupchat related to minecraft, then I think he deleted afterwards, but I'm not sure if that changed anything. It traumatized me but I had forgotten quickly because I was so young, I was around 13 or less. Now that I developed pocd for a while I started remembering all the past including this, and it triggers me more than anything because it's something real that happened and I can't tolerate it being a part of my memory, that it's something "saved" in my brain" and the fact my eyes saw something like that even though it wasn't my fault makes me feel complicit. Now l'm stressing because "what if my phone automatically downloaded that gif in my gallery without me knowing?" l've already searched on my phone and the previous one and I found nothing, but that it's because they are not the phones that I had when that thing happened. I actually don't know what phone I used. I'm panicking, The old phone doesn't charge, the other one that I think was around that time is not here anymore and I should ask my father but I can't talk to him anymore because he discovered my self harm scars and is abroad. This is not anymore a matter of sitting through distress and letting uncertainty be, this is something that could be real and destroy me. I can't live like this, I have to know for sure that there is nothing like that in my galleries I don't know what to do. I wonder why that dude had to sent something so horrible and ruin my life. I can't practice erp with something like this, and I can't continue living with the uncertainty that there could be something illegal downloaded without my consent in my old phones. I don't know what to do. Yersterday was also very triggering, and now today. I also have to study for a difficult test tomorrow, everything is against me. I don't know what to do. I've been dealing with ocd all of these years alone but everytime I make a step forward ocd sets me back two before. Please help me deal with this situation Somebody.

guys i'm feeling a lot of anxiety right now and I'm very scared. I was searching on reddit on how to disable automatic download for stickers, and while I was in there I found a thread about someone issuing the problem of telegram automatically downloading all media like stickers, images, videos, gifs in the gallery. This activated a horrible trigger in me because I have this horrible memory of someone in telegram sending out of nowhere an explicit illegal **** gif in a groupchat related to minecraft. It traumatized me but I had forgotten quickly because I was so young, I was around 13 or less. Now that I developed pocd for a while I started remembering all the past including this, and it triggers me more than anything because it's something real that happened and I can't tolerate it being a part of my memory, that it's something "saved" in my brain" and the fact my eyes saw something like that even though it wasn't my fault makes me feel complicit. Now I'm stressing because "what if my phone automatically downloaded that gif in my gallery without me knowing?" I've already searched on my phone and the previous one and I found nothing, but that it's because they are not the phones that I had when that thing happened. I actually don't know what phone I used. I'm panicking. The old phone doesn't charge, the other one that I think was around that time is not here anymore and I should ask my father but I can't talk to him anymore because he discovered my self harm scars and is abroad. This is not anymore a matter of sitting through distress and letting uncertainty be, this is something that could be real and destroy me. I can't live like this. I have to know for sure that there is nothing like that in my galleries. I don't know what to do. I wonder why that dude had to sent something so horrible and ruin my life. I can't practice erp with something like this, and I can't continue living with the uncertainty that there could be something illegal downloaded without my consent in my old phones. I don't know what to do. Yersterday was also very triggering, and now today. I also have to study for a difficult test tomorrow, everything is against me. I don't know what to do. I've been dealing with ocd all of these years alone but everytime I make a step forward ocd sets me back two before. Please help me deal with this situation. Somebody.

I recently saw a tiktok about rabies and now I can't stop thinking about it. I'm so scared a bat bit me and I didn't notice and now I have rabies. I haven't seen a bat in a long time and in my country there hasn't been a case since 2018. But I'm so scared what if I have it or what if I get it. What if I wake up tomorrow and I have hydrophobia(one of the symptoms). I can't stop thinking about this:(

Im feeling so anxious cause of my pocd and real events ocd based on extremely horrible childhood mistakes... Here are the facts. - I made a severe horrible mistake of a sexual nature 3 times at the age of 13. - someone told me about what the mistake was and what it meant earlier in the week before the mistakes happened... - i had no idea what the mistake even was before I learned of it, much less ever do it.... - i had forgotten about being told about the mistake and what it meant, and the severe mistakes happened later in the following days... - it never happened again and I feel extremely guilty at the age of 22. I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭 my POCD says that the person remembers and that they were negatively affected... i genuinely despise my life...

Stay strong your videos helped me. I was diagnosed with ocd. Pocd false memory real event themes. I had p*rn addiction in the past and i would specifically search adult porn or particular celebrity names to ensure i didnt come across any p*do stuff by accident. There were times websites still had images of what looked like underage or normal family ads and i would get angry and anxious because i dont want to see that. There was one time i looked for a celebrity video and it had compilatiom of her s*x scenes from her movies. It was all good until one scene it was her trying to arouse her husband in the movie and he was holdimg their child in his arms (nothing bad) but since all the videos prior were adult s*x i fast forwarded passed the scene with the kid. I couldmt find the scene i was looking for of the lady so i had to go back and found it. Finished the deed and moved on. Told my wife how i came across that kid scene and how angry snd mad it made me. I wasnt trying to do anything bad i was intentionally looking for a female celebrity. I went on and now years later ocd doubts if i intentionally looked for the child or when i went back to find the scene i passed thst scene snd i recall being anxious having to pass it but i was looking for a scene and now my ocd worries was i looking st the child scene again. If i wouldve done something that bad i wouldve confessed and turned myself in. P*do is the worst thing to me. I am not one and dont have a history. The false memory real event ocd therapt says just accept uncertainty and move on but i cant accept if thatbwere true. I use logic and reasoning to try solve the ocd. Im not a p*do and it gives me anger and anxoety. Not pleasure. Plus my intentions was to look at a particular adult celebrity i found attractive. In my religion doubt is falsehood and in liberal arts doubt is conquered by logic and reasoning. I used my cbt tools and have more evidence against the ocd doubt but i still feel guilt or anxiety about what if i did that unimaginable thing when i came across the scene of the child when i was looking for margott robbies s*x scene.