Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Im having a horrible panic attack right now and have been because of rocd. I feel like a failure and my mom made it even worse. Please help me

I have just stumbled upon this app and am hoping it might help me feel less alone. I was diagnosed with (R) OCD this year and am now realising I have been suffering with OCD my whole life (in varying forms). However, this is the first time it’s causing me this level of distress. I have had a very bad time with men and relationships. Sexual abuse, domestic violence and up until the partner I have now- just being lied to, cheated on and treated terribly. I’m 26, have met the most wonderful man who I have been with for 2 years. My psychologist has supported me with my general recovery from abuse but I do think I will need to see someone who specialises in OCD, as this is the one thing that I can’t seem to crack even with her support and taking SSRIS for many months now. For me, it’s very vivid images of my partner having sex with other women, an intense disgust and judgement over his sexual/relationship past, analysing and ruminating over every word he’s ever told me and a general constant fear that he isn’t who he says he is in some way. I have had a bad couple of days with it, we are currently visiting my parents abroad, something I’ve been looking forward to- and since we’ve arrived I have just felt overcome with fear, doubt, disgust and an overwhelming desire and curiosity to ask him questions about his sexual past and then judge, analyse and continue to question every word. Even as I write this, I can’t let the ruminating and anxiety stop. Dreading him coming up to bed because these feelings build to the point where I feel so low, humiliated and that indescribable pain and fear that is all too familiar with OCD sufferers. The worst thing is he is my life, I want to spend the rest of my life with him and he is nothing but good to me, but those negative scary feelings, thoughts and compulsions are beyond difficult to live with and sustain a relationship and be at peace.

Hey guys, so these past 4 months I had a sudden onset of OCD after a concussion. It first started with HOCD which was super distressing as I’ve been in a 9 year relationship with my girlfriend. It then evolved into transgender OCD, which was horrible as well but it felt easier to disprove my intrusive thoughts. That and of course horrible health anxiety about my head. And it’s funny, as soon as I got comfortable with one topic, the OCD would jump to another. Basically over time I accepted all these negative thoughts about all these topics, so where does my mind go? I had a physical groinal response to an image of an underage person. It freaked me out so much that all day I was obsessing over it, I eventually told my girlfriend as she’s been supportive with me over the other topics. But this…. She’s angry with me, and doesn’t trust me anymore. And she doesn’t understand the groinal response. She did ask to sit in a therapy session with me to help her understand. But that’s about all the communication I’ve gotten from her. I feel so alone. And it’s literally ruining everything I’ve built up with her for the past 9 years. I wish I hadn’t told her. And instead just asked her to join a therapy session with me. Just making this post as I just need someone to talk to.

Idk why OCD has latched onto my sister but she’s my other half & I started comparing us out the blue one day.. and the dogs go to her more so i’ve been feeling so rejected and low.. and my mind said well what if she wasn’t here anymore? i would never harm my sister or ever want to.. i really want to be okay again.. i was just okay a couple weeks ago and now im so sad & scared!

i want to share some examples of my intrusive thoughts (ROCD) - What if i have lost feelings for my boyfriend? - What if we are “too far gone” and cant fix the relationship? - What if we arent meant to be? - I’m feeling weird and distant today, and irritable. Do i hate him? - What if i do hate him? What do i do? - I found someone else attractive. Am i a bad person/being unfaithful? - I can’t stop thinking about the rough patches we’ve had. Should i just end it? - When i try to picture a future with him now, its very hard

hi everyone! i hope y’all are having a good day/night. this is gonna be a really long introduction text, with some questions i’d like you to answer at the end if you have the time :). my partner recommended me this app two months ago, when we found out i have ocd. i installed it right away, but procrastinated even opening it until now, always finding a new excuse, like i do when it comes to anything related to actually fighting “the voices” - as they like to call my ocd thoughts in an attempt to make them lose power. however, this week has been extremely hard, my partner and i have been constantly fighting for a week now over my ocd, as it keeps ruining the relationship, so here i am. i mainly struggle with relationship ocd. however, i’ve seen most people struggle with wondering if they truly love their partner or if they will fall out of love, while i struggle mostly with an intense fear of being abandoned, that has led me to entirely avoid my partner. we’ve been together for 5 years, on and off since until 5 months ago we were doing long distance, and that was extremely hard. we now live together, yet unless they initiate it and ask me if i want to join them, i avoid everything that has to do with them. i have become fully incapable of starting a conversation, entering a room they’re in, asking them anything, etc. planning dates and kissing them is unimaginable. it’s gotten to the point where i’m so in my own head that i don’t see them at all, hurting them over and over again by not catering to their basic needs. i cross clear boundaries in fear of asking them for something, i disregard their own pains and struggles due to being so focused on my own. i don’t listen to what they’re saying because i’m constantly reading between lines to see how what they’re saying relates to me and how it means that they don’t like me and will leave me. i’ve even started falling asleep on the couch because i’m so scared of going to bed and them not wanting me there. i compulsively lie all the time in an attempt to hide my mistakes and compulsions. the list can keep going forever, the fear of abandonment always takes over no matter what, and i always have a “reason” (excuse) for it. they’ve begged me to get help so many times, and at this point i don’t think we’re gonna survive this, as i don’t think im gonna get better enough to stop hurting them this badly in time. if it wasn’t me in this relationship, as their best friend, i would’ve told them to break up with their partner already, because this is no way to live for them. i started taking fluvoxamine 50mg two months ago, and im just now starting to see an ERP therapist, we’re gonna come up with an exposure plan next tuesday. i’m not fully sure what im looking for in this app as i feel like it’s mainly therapy focused, but i could use some advice, on both how to stop listening to the countless excuses ocd keeps coming up with to avoid stopping the compulsions, and to fully commit to ERP for it to be efficient from the start. and also - how long did it take for you to start noticing actual results with ERP? what are some things you would tell someone that’s just starting? any advice to do this as efficiently as possible? what’s something you would’ve done differently? and an extra question for those who started off in a similar place to me - what did your exposure plan look like? i don’t really know what to expect (though maybe sitting with that uncertainty is good) and really need this to work. if you made it to the end - thanks for reading, and you got this! you’re doing amazing <3

Is feeling the need to confess everything you’ve ever done to your partner a compulsion? My body and mind tells me that if I don’t that I’m lying to my partner about who I am or what I’ve done and that I should say something otherwise I’m bad. Can anyone relate to this?

How do people recognize the difference between relationship ocd intrusive thoughts and real thoughts about your relationship? I have been in a relationship for about a year, it’s my first long-term relationship and the healthiest, I am almost 20 years old, and I believe I have rocd (I haven’t been diagnosed but it’s pretty clear to me). The main thoughts I get are “what if I’ll lose feelings for my bf?, what if I don’t love him?, what if I’m gonna break his heart?” (it’s never about if he’s cheating on me or anything like that. He is a really great boyfriend and the best person to ever walk into my life, he isn’t toxic or bad in any way towards me or the relationship). Usually these thoughts occur before my period (luteal phase/pms) but I’m on day 6 of my period and I got these thoughts, which usually isn’t the case as I’ve said before. So I went into a spiral cus I believed that since I got these thoughts at a different time in my cycle, they must be true. Deep down I know I love my boyfriend so much, it’s just so hard to navigate whether or not these thoughts are just fake rocd thoughts or what I’m really thinking. Can anyone else relate?

I have been facing the end of my relationship and the need for a job for a year now. Every moment of every day it’s there hanging over me. But instead of spending every moment working or finding work, I spend every moment frozen about it and feeling unable to do anything! I have OCD, of course, and a rare sleep disorder (KLS) that messes with my circadian rhythm, has no treatment (“just wait it out” for up to several years), and causes me to sleep 12+ hours and often 20-36 hours at a time. I wake up still feeling like I barely slept. It really sucks. I’ve tried so hard to establish a routine around a shifting sleep pattern, to reduce or manage stress, to listen to everything my doctors have asked me to do… My partner of almost 10 years moved out two weeks ago. She paid the rent for this past month but I’m on my own now. I just ordered pet food and am out of money. She had been covering about 80% of expenses this year til she moved. I had covered all of our bills and more for a few years before that, but she had to leave for her own sake, and I understand. 😞 I’ve never been this isolated and alone before. My family is going through a lot. My car’s been broken into and disabled twice recently (thanks Kia Boys) and I haven’t been able to afford to fix it this second time. This is a lot already so I’m going to post about my work search in the comments. I’m wondering if anyone can relate and, heck, if anyone knows somewhere hiring remotely right away.

i’ve been with my bf for 3 years, love him to death. recently we got into a bad rough patch where he nearly ended up leaving. we were getting ready to fix everything and move on when my grandma died. now ever since i’ve been having thoughts like “is he the right one” or “what if we aren’t going to last” lately it’s been advancing to “what if i dated __?” and i would never ever want to be with someone else but my bf and these thoughts are killing me. like my chest is so tight all the time and the thoughts never stop.

I kind of feel fake…if anyone has been through this phase also can you explain this to me the feeling of fake ? What does recovery looks like? Do we find our answers on the process? Do we start to feel love again? Do we start to feel more confident in ourselves and our relationship? What is it like? Do I have to keep on living like this my whole life in order to not catch ocd again in life later IF I RECOVER?

The thing about intrusive thoughts is that I only push them out of my mind when I know that they’re completely outrageous. When I get intrusive thoughts that are more convincing, I want to make sure that the content of the thought doesn’t bother me before I push it out. And this is what sucks because why is my own judgement not enough? I know I’m a lesbian. I know that I never want to be with a man. Why do my thoughts keep telling me “you like men and you know it” and “the only reason you avoid men is because you still like them and you know it” and “if you were to try a man, you’ll like it and you know it. That’s why you avoid them so much”??? Like bye that doesn’t even make sense. But OCD also hates facts bc as soon as I’m like “FACTUALLY, bitch, the fact that I never want to end up with a man or am even having anxiety about liking a hypothetical and what feels like inevitable future with a man is proof that I’m not attracted to them”, my brain just refuses to PROCESS THAT and just TRASHES it? OCD is SCARY.

I started my period yesterday and I'm stuck on the thoughts of being poly and it feels to real like I had to confess. I always been monogamous and committed to my online boyfriend. I don't want to be with someone else. I don't want us to be with someone else. Why doesn't my head get that. It would make me think I want other boys or something poly related and it hurts me. I don't want poly or open relationship at all. I'm happy me and my boyfriend both promise to stay just the two of us. But my thoughts make me deny that makes me feel bad makes me feel like I want "poly" Please help me please please I'm sorry but please. I'm insane this is worse than before.

A few months ago I had a bad episode where I was sitting next to my mum having intrusive thoughts and I disassociated and put my finger in her vagina. Atleast I think this happened. My mum says it didn’t happen and it’s all in my head. It took me months to get over this happening and now my ocd has latched onto something new and is saying that I raped her again. I don’t know if this happened and I’m trying to practice radical acceptance but it’s hard. I just want to figure it out. I want to know if this definitely happened or didn’t. It hurts me to think I might’ve done something this awful. Please leave any tips on dealing with this in the comments below.

I’ve been going through extreme distress because of my urges and intrusive thoughts that surround my boyfriend. He’s amazing and I love him so much but i have such a strong urge to breakup with him. This urge gets to the point that I have had multiple panic attacks where I am crying, shaking and throwing up. I have talked to him about it but I dont want to keep hurting him. I really want these thoughts to stop, so I can continue normally with my boyfriend and feel connected again. Any ideas?

is it possible for one to have rocd but it also stem from actual issues in the relationship? as my profile stated i have a personality disorder (BPD) which one of the symptoms is short-lived unstable relationships. i also have been diagnosed with OCD. i have been with my current bf for 4 years (in feb) and we met in highschool. my bpd has always been on the severe end and long story short, in june of last year something happened that I did that caused us to almost have to break up. after that i realized i had never been dedicated for any period of time to try and help myself. i was a mess and with my therapist we just started working really hard on trying to get better. and the first 2 years of our relationship was really toxic and abusive but we have moved passed about 70% of those major issues as of today. there were some fights but that was mainly also due to my bf JUST starting to work through all of his mental issues and trauma from his childhood. months went by and i actually started seeing improvement. i didn’t have one single emotional rage fit, i was happier and i thought things were getting better for the good, but in october we both lost our job and a lot of my daily practices that were helping me started to fade away and then we started losing progress again. this year started off god awful with one of the worst fights we had since the incident in june. i’m just now trying to get back on track but i just feel hopeless about the disposition of our relationship. i’m tired of having these fights and i know a lot of the reason is because we let a lot of practices and coping skills go since losing our jobs, but that’s where these thoughts usually start. but that’s why i’m asking this question is because i am having obsessive thoughts about my relationship ALL day and this morning i just broke down. it feels hopeless and i haven’t felt this depressed in over a year. i love him so much. he’s been here through SO-OCD, HARM OCD all of it. all of my terrible actions but I know i can no longer go on like this. so we are going to try and mend and keep working on it like we were. but i have obsessive thoughts all day SCREAMING at me to leave, making a pros and cons list all day sometimes, researching when the anxiety hits me like a train wreck, break up urges all day long, ect. i have posted about this a lot because like i said i think that one event really shook me and i just have a lot of doubt about our capabilities.

has felt this way and this just made me feel worse (:. I’ve had this feeling for a couple of days and I don’t know how to explain it. When I try to figure it out or even thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend, I don’t have the initial “i don’t want to break up” response i usually get. It feels like my feelings for him have left the building and I just have an empty feeling please has anyone felt this way before. It doesn’t feel like rOCD, idk how I fucking feel. I’m on the verge of crying but then my thoughts would just be like “you’re not crying about your boyfriend” if that even makes sense. Wtf do I do .

I have a really awful event. One that required a lot of non-OCD related confessions to my gf. It happened 4 years ago. I don’t really consider any of my thoughts around this event to be OCD related, because it was actually THAT BAD, and I actually should feel the things I’m feeling. The problem that keeps coming up is my urge to confess more details. The thing I did wasn’t one event, but a series of awful events. My girlfriend doesn’t want to know anymore details. She says no matter how bad it is, she doesn’t want to know anymore. I keep getting memories of details that I’m worried would end our relationship if she knew. I’ve confessed so many awful details and she hasn’t left me yet, but there are so many genuinely terrible things that I thought, felt, intended, and acted on. With the thought that revealing a detail could end my relationship, how am I not supposed to confess? I feel like I am tricking her and she doesn’t understand the full extent of my depravity. When she looks at me with love I feel sick and unworthy. She doesn’t want me to confess anymore, my therapist doesn’t want me to confess anymore, and these memories are just sitting in my head, eating away at my soul. I feel so alone. I feel like most of you can probably guess the nature of what I did and might not appreciate me posting about it here. I’m sorry, I just need someone to talk to…

Okay so I've been non stop checking for a few days now and it's ruining my relationship with my girlfriend. I'm constantly having doubts that I'm secretly bisexual and all this attention I'm bringing to it is making me depressed because I don't want to see men that way. There is nothing wrong with being bisexual or gay but it doesn't make me happy or feel authentic neither have I ever had a crush on a man before the most I feel towards men is giving them a hug or thinking they're handsome but sexual things make me uncomfortable. The question is can checking pornography escalate things and make things worse for this theme? Or even checking in general like taking quizes, tests, asking friends or even wanting to experiment with porn to find the answer? Whenever I check porn my sens feel hypersensitivity towards them and if I feel anything below I go straight into panic mode. This theme is honestly ruining me mentally and physically and my relationship is getting more distant by the day I hate this and every time I post on here I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to and I'm afraid so any help would be more appreciated than you'd know.

I get thoughts in my head that make me laugh out loud… a lot. I think it is my Tourette’s but yeah I’m laughing at seemingly nothing in the street on top of regular tics. I’m telling myself it is because I’ve been so mistreated I’m losing the plot. Whatever it is I am certainly self conscious about it. I also worry what people will think and I know I shouldn’t. This has been happening for a few years now so it isn’t a recent thing. I got turned down by another woman and was told to enjoy single life. At 41 after 20 years single it isn’t what I want to hear. Any thoughts?