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i keep getting thoughts like ‘try being a p and see if you like it’ and stuff like that when i’d genuinely rather die than be like that. then i try not to think about it but i can’t stop thinking about it which makes it feel like im thinking about it on purpose

I’ve been struggling with what I hope to be HOCD for over 6 months now and I’m starting to loose hope…I had always been attracted to women, had plenty of crushes on women growing up, fantasies included, enjoyed spending time with the one I had a crush on, would avoid the usual things seen as “gay” or “feminine,” you know the usual kid stuff. I never had any issues or desires back then to be with a man but suddenly a few months back out of literal no where i got a thought and it’s stayed with me ever since. I know deep down that I don’t want to do these thoughts and that I’d rather die then be gay or bisexual but then the “what-ifs” come up and even when they don’t come up I have this underlying fear of “maybe it will happen. Maybe you are gay” and it scares me. Yet my brain still tries to lie straight to my face and say “oh no, you like this don’t you” it’s like I don’t know anymore and I couldn’t live with myself if I even experimented with it because I know for a fact I would be repulsed and don’t want it. Please help. Going about this with the idea of accepting uncertainty just makes me more anxious and feel as if I’m accepting these thoughts as facts for me and I don’t know what to do.

Anyone else feel like their brain starts to tell them they’d be happier if they were gay or trans? Like it feels that way and you feel like you’re living a lie or something is wrong. It feels like my thoughts have shifted to that making it hard to see if this is real or not.

Hey guys, so these past 4 months I had a sudden onset of OCD after a concussion. It first started with HOCD which was super distressing as I’ve been in a 9 year relationship with my girlfriend. It then evolved into transgender OCD, which was horrible as well but it felt easier to disprove my intrusive thoughts. That and of course horrible health anxiety about my head. And it’s funny, as soon as I got comfortable with one topic, the OCD would jump to another. Basically over time I accepted all these negative thoughts about all these topics, so where does my mind go? I had a physical groinal response to an image of an underage person. It freaked me out so much that all day I was obsessing over it, I eventually told my girlfriend as she’s been supportive with me over the other topics. But this…. She’s angry with me, and doesn’t trust me anymore. And she doesn’t understand the groinal response. She did ask to sit in a therapy session with me to help her understand. But that’s about all the communication I’ve gotten from her. I feel so alone. And it’s literally ruining everything I’ve built up with her for the past 9 years. I wish I hadn’t told her. And instead just asked her to join a therapy session with me. Just making this post as I just need someone to talk to.

Yesterday was hard, and have probably spent the last month doing mental compulsions and taking up 12 hours of my day. Yesterday I also dealt with a combo of SO-OCD and Harm OCD. I woke up zero anxiety this morning and the thoughts are still there. I was still doing compulsions in my sleep. I woke up with a thought that said “you’re a lesbian or bisexual, just accept it”. It’s scary when the thoughts come in first and second person. But I feel calm, none of the thoughts I’ve been fighting the last month are anxiety inducing. I just feel like they don’t bother me, and it scares me. I’ve been dealing with this theme for the last month and the first week I didn’t sleep, I was crying and throwing up. I really don’t want to be with a woman, and I know of the backdoor spike. I don’t see myself dating a woman. I just want to be with a man. It makes me feel like I’m in denial. I just have to trust that what I’m experiencing OCD and let the thoughts pass. It’s the backdoor spike, I’ve read all the articles and know that I’m dealing with SO-OCD and the backdoor spike. Those articles brought relief in the beginning, and just need to stop going back to make sure. I’ve also been on Sertraline and can’t really cry. I want to scream but I can’t. This part of recovery is the hardest. The thought of what if this is not OCD and I’m really bisexual or a lesbian creep in? Of course this is all classic OCD. Having to let the thoughts pass by. Going to try my best and just be present.

I’m getting thoughts that I’m following women. I did see a nice looking woman on my way to the river and I did go a bit like a meerkat but we went in separate directions. Now I’m sitting by the river being paranoid that I’m staring at white women… I’m white. I’m thinking the women are too young too when they are well past it being an issue even if I was interested. In other news the flower children at the river were eating thali and I said hello so I got POCD exposure. I’ve promised then chalk whenI get paid and every day they are asking for chalk lol. The chalk will cost £1 for forty coloured sticks. They can make extra money drawing for tourists and it is a bargain for me. I’ve told the tea stand nearby that he should sell chalk as I’m sure the children would continue to get chalk long after I move on that way. I honestly feel like I’ll be in the news rn and they will use my messages and social media as evidence. I know I have had a lot of caffeine and I said this would happen.

I’ve been struggling with what I hope to be HOCD for over 6 months now and I’m starting to loose hope…I had always been attracted to women, had plenty of crushes on women growing up, fantasies included, enjoyed spending time with the one I had a crush on, would avoid the usual things seen as “gay” or “feminine,” you know the usual kid stuff. I never had any issues or desires back then to be with a man but suddenly a few months back out of literal no where i got a thought and it’s stayed with me ever since. I know deep down that I don’t want to do these thoughts and that I’d rather die then be gay or bisexual but then the “what-ifs” come up and even when they don’t come up I have this underlying fear of “maybe it will happen. Maybe you are gay” and it scares me. Yet my brain still tries to lie straight to my face and say “oh no, you like this don’t you” it’s like I don’t know anymore and I couldn’t live with myself if I even experimented with it because I know for a fact I would be repulsed and don’t want it. Please help. Going about this with the idea of accepting uncertainty just makes me more anxious and feel as if I’m accepting these thoughts as facts for me and I don’t know what to do.

The thing about intrusive thoughts is that I only push them out of my mind when I know that they’re completely outrageous. When I get intrusive thoughts that are more convincing, I want to make sure that the content of the thought doesn’t bother me before I push it out. And this is what sucks because why is my own judgement not enough? I know I’m a lesbian. I know that I never want to be with a man. Why do my thoughts keep telling me “you like men and you know it” and “the only reason you avoid men is because you still like them and you know it” and “if you were to try a man, you’ll like it and you know it. That’s why you avoid them so much”??? Like bye that doesn’t even make sense. But OCD also hates facts bc as soon as I’m like “FACTUALLY, bitch, the fact that I never want to end up with a man or am even having anxiety about liking a hypothetical and what feels like inevitable future with a man is proof that I’m not attracted to them”, my brain just refuses to PROCESS THAT and just TRASHES it? OCD is SCARY.

Hi everyone, this is a very long post, but I want to share my story in hopes of helping others see that they are not alone, and that what they are going through isn’t something that they need to bare alone. Feel free to read if you want-things will get better! 💜 I first encountered my OCD flaring up when I was in middle school around the age of twelve or thirteen. During this time, my primary obsession was the fear that I could or would possibly commit suicide. At the time, I had no clue what was happening and didn’t know anything about OCD (other than believing it was defined as people needing to keep their spaces tidy). Reflecting now, it’s clear to me that this was the first time I had the unfortunate privilege of meeting my OCD monster. I was constantly having intrusive images and thoughts anytime I would see knives—worrying that I would grab one and use it to harm myself. I would create scenarios in my head in in which I pictured myself jumping in front of a garbage truck, or drowning myself in the bathtub. While the logical side of me knew that these fears were irrational, I felt such shame and isolation in having them. The theme subsided after about three months, and I was able to move on with my life without noticing any major flare ups of OCD. Now, this doesn’t mean I wasn’t experiencing OCD during this ‘peacetime’, but the themes were nowhere near as debilitating. For example, I’d have flare ups about random concerns such as obsessing that chest pains could be a sign of heart attack; worrying that I’d developed a brain tumor due to a dizzy spell; worrying that I’d get arrested for accidentally hitting something with my car; etc. While these situations brought on an immense amount of anxiety, these bouts usually dissipated within about a week—for this reason, I don’t consider these to be any of my main nor debilitating themes. One summer day in my high school age—around fifteen—I was watching the local news and a story came on about a soccer coach who was arrested for grooming his players. The story highlighted how much everyone in the community was reeling from this revelation since the coach was such a beloved and respected member of the community. I remember the exact moment when I was flooded with an immense amount of dread and anxiety unlike anything I’d ever felt up until that point. If this ‘upstanding’ community man was capable of something so terrible, what was to say I couldn’t be too? What if I’m just discovering this terrifying aspect of my identity all of a sudden? What would everyone who I know and love think about me? These are just a few examples of the myriad of thoughts that bombarded my mind within just minutes of seeing that news story. The anxiety about this possibility elevated to such a level, that I felt more hopeless than I have ever felt about my future before. I remember leaving my parents a note on their bedside table confessing to them that I was afraid that I was a pedophile because there was no way I would have ever been able to face them in-person and say that. I waited in my room all morning until after they had read the note in hopes that would come talk to me and try to comfort me—which is exactly what they did. While their reassurance made me feel a bit better for the next thirty minutes, eventually I felt that I needed more answers and began Googling. This was when I finally found out about OCD. I felt an immense sense of relief when I realized that this could be OCD, but the monster did not like that I had uncovered it’s nasty secret, and immediately tried to divert my attention by battering me with the though that I was the exception to the rule—that I didn’t actually have OCD. I wasn’t brave enough to start therapy because I was terrified that when I went to my first appointment and told them my thoughts, that they would confirm to me that there is something wrong and that it wasn’t OCD. For about 8 months, I continued ruminating on every little possibility, avoiding children, and feeling a complete loss of identity that I would never wish upon anyone. After finally mustering up the courage to start therapy, I found myself improving after about 2 months, and wasn’t bothered by such thoughts anymore….I was so relieved to be done with that phase of my life, not knowing that the monster would never leave. At this point, I was loving every aspect of life—especially after coming out as gay to my parents during my freshman year of university. Life was beautiful and I felt free of any doubt or fear surrounding who I was. But when COVID hit, my OCD went into hyperdrive with contamination as my primary theme. The pandemic progressed, and these anxieties died down and it felt like life was going to move on. One day later that summer, in August of 2022—about 4 years since ever really thinking about it—the pedophilia-themed OCD was back. I had opened up to a close friend about my experience in high school, and she was incredibly understanding and supportive; but something in my brain triggered from this conversation and the obsession was back. This time, I found a therapist right away, but not knowing that Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) was the proper treatment, I found a psychologist who specialized in psychodynamic therapy. After about 5 months of torture, I did reach recovery once again despite the lack of ERP. Life was good again throughout the rest of university and post-graduation. However, this past May, things took a dive for the worst. After being prescribed what I had deemed a “scary antibiotic” for an infection from my wisdom teeth surgery, my OCD ramped up to the point where I was obsessing over the possibility of having side effects from this medication—even imagining that I had developed peripheral neuropathy from the pills. Less than 48 hours later, I saw a Tik Tok clip of the show To Catch a Predator. Seeing that clip was extremely triggering, and caused me to imagine myself as the person being caught. It was like a light switch was flipped in my brain as the health-related fears vanished simultaneously with the arrival of the pedophilia-themed obsessions. At this time, I was also about a week into beginning treatment using Prozac. For me, the medication ended up resulting in negative side effects that drove up suicidal thoughts, which in tandem with the POCD made me lose all hope in going on. I found myself bargaining and playing mind games to try and solve this problem: I couldn’t be attracted to children, could I? I’ve only ever been attracted to people my own age in the past. But what if something is changing in me now? Even if it is, I could just make sure that I never act on it. No, I can’t even bare the thought of identifying that way. But you didn’t want to be gay at first, what if this is like that? Phew, that guy is attractive. But what if he’s actually younger than he looks? Does that mean I’m attracted to minors? What if the traits I am attracted to in age-appropriate partners are only the traits that I perceive as looking younger? The barrage of thoughts completely destroyed me. Fortunately, I was able to stop taking the Prozac and the suicidal thoughts diminished, but I was still so obsessed over the possibility that I could be a terrible monster. To make matters worse, my career is working with high school students while they are applying to colleges. I see hundreds of sixteen and seventeen year-old students every month. My OCD took this job that I loved, and turned it against me. It told me that I only liked the job because it got me closer to younger kids. It told me that I wasn’t attracted to people my own age. I felt lost and couldn’t tell what was real anymore. After a month of intense suffering, I was able to begin taking control of the situation by finding an OCD specialist, this time beginning ERP right away. As a supplement to my therapy, I also began taking Anafranil, and after a few weeks, I reached a place of pretty solid ground. That was in late-July. Since that time, I have considered myself to be in recovery and have been immensely enjoying my life. However, recovery now means something much different than what it meant when I first began my journey with OCD. Now, I understand that I will probably never be free of intrusive thoughts—no one is—but they do not define who I am as a person, and I am able to enjoy life alongside them. While in my past it always felt that I needed to put so much time and energy into solving the things that worry me, what I have now come to realize is that overthinking never really solved anything. Instead, it took control of my life and made me see negativity anywhere I looked in life. This brings us to today. My experiences with OCD—particularly in the past six months—have inspired me to dedicate my time advocating for OCD understanding and helping others to see that they are not alone, especially because that’s how I know many of you feel. I hope to join the likes of the amazing leaders in the community such as Chrissie Hodges, Nathan Peterson, Stuart Ralph, and so many others who contribute such meaningful work to this community. This entry is just the beginning of my work, and I hope it provides some hope and understanding for others. In the future, I plan to elaborate more on my experiences and share more about living life with OCD. Through all of these experiences, I have come to realize that life goes on. It’s possible to live a fulfilling life while OCD takes the backseat.

I'm struggling. So a while back my son was sitting on my lap. He was sitting against my chest. But then I kept getting these groinal things. And I don't remember if I stayed there for a second and that trips me up bad. But what also makes me anxious is it got so intense that I moved him quick. Almost like I was worried I was having an "o" from the sensations of my chest and sitting on my lap. Then what makes me question the "o" thing is when I moved him away I got these weird like pulse feelings that I don't usually get with just a groinal and it happened at least 4-7 times or so. Like back to back. I hate this. I need to know it wasn't. And I also need to know I didn't keep him there for a second. Has any other mom felt like you kept them there for a second because of the feeling? And did you ever worry or question an "o" just from them sitting on your lap, etc. I'm so close to beating this monster 3/4 of the way. But this feels too real to let go of.

A while back my dog sat on my lap and her leg/paw was at my crotch and it felt like I was TRYING to feel smth down there but idk why I think like for a specific reason like to check something or I’m not sure how to explain I just know it felt like a form of checking but now looking back it felt gross and I feel so like bad about it like it was gross or something and I feel guilty but like now I’m scared I might be explaining it wrong but now I’m scared if I’m a zoophile, again it felt like I was trying to feel it in a checking way but I felt gross and I’m guilty about it now I’m rlly scared I can’t stop thinking about it this is a repost bc it keeps coming back to me and it’s making me worry a lot

I’ve been homebound the last month. I went from being able to interact with the world, to being afraid of having a job, socializing, dating, pretty much everything. I even deleted Instagram and TikTok. I’ve only been comfortable watching Planet Earth and Anthony Bourdain. I have been walking the same route, I used to drive everywhere and explore my city. I loved traveling and even had a 3 month trip to Europe planned. I was going to do el Camino de Santiago to be alone with my thoughts. I cancelled that trip back in August due to the fear I was going to be killed. Thinking about it now, I think how I was once in a space where I was comfortable to be alone with my thoughts for 30+ days. This last month has been the hardest and recently got back on Sertraline. The side effects have been tough. I’ve mainly been experiencing SO-OCD, the fear of what if I’m a lesbian or bisexual. It’s transitioned on to the fear of being bisexual. There’s nothing wrong with it, but I don’t see myself dating, marrying, or having sex with a woman. And also experienced a bit of Harm OCD. I’ve experienced this theme on and off for the last 12 years and have been able to overcome. But I feel since I’m close to entering my 30s and just graduating and the feeling of getting older and being single just added another layer. And all the mental compulsions and googling added fuel to the fire. It’s truly exhausting. I’m going to Mexico for three weeks with my parents. It’s a quiet and slow living part of Mexico and I’m dreading it with this theme. I’ve been feeling a sense of sadness, will my life look like this forever? I know it won’t, but when you’re in the thick of it. It feels like it’ll be forever. I’ve always been a bit introverted, and have dealt with different OCD themes. If it wasn’t this one, it was the fear of dying. But I was able to go on with my day. This theme is just exhausting. My mom has been looking after me and it has been so great but I fear what if this is forever. And I never move out? What if my mom dies and I’ll be alone to deal with OCD? I know it sounds dramatic, but it just feels like it’s eternal. I’m 28, I should be starting my career, dating, having fun, going on trips, thinking about other stuff other than freaking OCD. I want a husband and children and a cute house. And it feels like I’m lying about that, but that’s all I wanted too. I’m trying to remember my values. Remember that this is not who I was. I used to be able to watch tv and movies and hang out with people and go to shows. Trying my best to live. I wasn’t triggered and if I was, I was able to move on. Why is it so hard to do that? I feel like this trip to Mexico will be a great exposure. I’m scared, but going to try my best and be present.

Okay so I've been non stop checking for a few days now and it's ruining my relationship with my girlfriend. I'm constantly having doubts that I'm secretly bisexual and all this attention I'm bringing to it is making me depressed because I don't want to see men that way. There is nothing wrong with being bisexual or gay but it doesn't make me happy or feel authentic neither have I ever had a crush on a man before the most I feel towards men is giving them a hug or thinking they're handsome but sexual things make me uncomfortable. The question is can checking pornography escalate things and make things worse for this theme? Or even checking in general like taking quizes, tests, asking friends or even wanting to experiment with porn to find the answer? Whenever I check porn my sens feel hypersensitivity towards them and if I feel anything below I go straight into panic mode. This theme is honestly ruining me mentally and physically and my relationship is getting more distant by the day I hate this and every time I post on here I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to and I'm afraid so any help would be more appreciated than you'd know.

I’ve been doing better, but then suddenly get hit with new thoughts and ideas. Sometimes I wonder if they’re influenced by things I read. I also feel like I’ve become addicted to feeling anxious. It’s like I was fine and then new ideas and thoughts and they freak me out. Obviously OCD is going to try and convince you. Anxiety has made me feel safe because I know it’s OCD. A new thought creeped in and was like “you’re afraid of being straight” even though I’m straight. Like I can’t even like guys in peace. And then another thought that was like “you’re sad because you can’t date women”. I don’t even want to date women, I don’t see myself romantically or sexually with women. I know the thoughts are OCD but here I went trying to solve it and feel like I put myself in a bigger hole trying to prove I’m straight and fight against thoughts that don’t apply to me. It’s so hard to remember thoughts are just thoughts. Like why am I arguing with a thought that doesn’t apply to me? I feel like a lot of thoughts have been influenced by what I’ve been reading. Also, another reason why googling as reassurance is bad. I’ve been sleeping next to my mom because I’m scared to sleep alone with my thoughts. Last night she had to help me do breathing exercises and come back to reality. I was independent and the last month I’ve felt incompetent. I hate how OCD just continues to morph. The thoughts aren’t distressing but rather just annoying. I feel like I spent the last day trying to prove I’m straight, it just made me doubt myself. I have to remember that it’s OCD. Been dealing with this SO-OCD episode for a month already. I’ve fed this monster so many compulsions it’s generated new thoughts and ideas I haven’t seen before. Can’t really watch tv or be in public without mental checking and it’s truly exhausting. How did I watch tv and interact with the world before this episode? I think one of the challenging things is being on the early stages of medicine and feeling numb and not being able to cry as much. I feel like crying was my main compulsion. Not looking for reassurance, just needed to vent. I just miss my old self. When you write it down it sounds ridiculous. 😭

I have no anxiety with my thoughts, sensations, and images of being with the same sex anymore. It’s like my body finally decided to just accept that I am really lesbian.. my mind starts to wander now of dating women and even though I don’t enjoy the thoughts, it feels like I want to do them. Or I would want to do them one day. This literally crushes my heart to think that I’d have to leave my bf whom I love so much, as soon as my mind throws the thought or image of me breaking up with him over this my chest hurts and I instantly start crying. My heart is in pieces…but at the same time it feels like that’s what’s needs to happen 😭

I think I've struggled with OCD all my life. I struggle with intrusive thoughts alot and recently I just broke down and fell into a spiral I can't get out of. I found out about relationship OCD and sexual orientation OCD and think I may have those. I had an intrusive thought a few months ago that what if i didn't love my fiance anymore and since then I can't shake the idea. Just the day before I told him how much I wanted him to be my husband and up until that point I didn't question my love for him. I don't understand how things can just shake me like that quickly. I know I love him deep down and anytime I get those feelings back my brain is like "you sure about that?" A week later I had a thought about what if I've been a lesbian this whole time and that I'll marry my fiance only to come out as a lesbian in the future. I've always been ok with being Bi, I considered myself 10-20% into women and 80-90% into men. I always had crushes on men and dreamt of finding the man for me one day. I also find women nice to look at but I don't know if it's admiration or actual sexual attraction. Either way I was find with identifying this way but now I'm so stressed that I've actually just wanted to be a lesbian this whole time and that I'm in denail and closeted. These thoughts are debilitating and now I can't look at women without being stressed or getting aroused.

I fucking hate my OCD I love boys and I know that for a fact I want my old life back I want to get married has kids and live in normal settled life, but my OCD doesn’t want me to leave it like that it keeps on playing games with me and I don’t know what to do about it. I want to manage my OCD I wanna walk along with it I love boys and I only love boys that don’t like girls and that way but why doesn’t my obsessive compulsive disorder understand that I’m fucking tired of it. I just want to end bloody pain I love boys and I always will. it has ruined my life. I want to have my own life back. It looks like I am being two people at once and me is locked inside me. I want to have my crushes on boys I want to live a happy and settled life the urges and unwanted thoughts about my own sexuality is getting with the top and I hate that I don’t know what to do I can’t eat or do anything else my University work is pending, but I can’t get that done because of my fucking obsessive-compulsive disorder. Can you suggest any UK based face-to-face therapies that are specializing in sexual orientation obsessive compulsive disorder I want to continue with NOCD. They are great but they are also expensive. I am a wheelchair person and I rely on my benefits. Thank you for listening to me I’m not asking for reassurance I just like to write what I’m feeling down. It gets out of my head.

Hi guys I’m currently going through a difficult phase. I have been trying to get out of this from almost a year. But recently the thing that makes is anxious is my loved ones. Whenever I’m talking or see my girl friend or even any other girls , I feel very nervous.Can anybody please help,if anybody gone through this please give me a hand. Regards,

I need some LGBT OCD support Okay so I have a cousin I’ve spent time with over the years and I just remembered a memory about her mentioning something homophobic. I remember me complaining about being gay once in 2017 and she had stated she had heard “a guy in her church claimed to have changed” I think this triggered me because now that I’m learning self-respect I know I don’t need to be around someone who doesn’t support me. Was she telling me to do it? Or was she just stating she heard that in her church? Was it conversion therapy or counseling or praying away the gay? So I asked her recently, I did end up asking for reassurance. Does she support conversion therapy? And she said No. she didn’t even know what it was apparently. And she said she is one of my biggest supporters, she does support me. But I still am obsessing about that small conversation wondering should I keep this relationship to maintain self-respect or what if she’s lying and she’s actually not supportive of me? What if she was telling me to change?

I was okay today w my bf. Still anxious and numb and a little uncomfortable, but was okay. I’m doing erp watching videos of women explaining comphet (signs you’re lesbian but society makes you think you’re straight) and I feel like I relate to them, even though before it never even crossed my mind and I felt so happy with my bf. So now I don’t know if I was just oblivious and lesbian the whole time, or my ocd is extremely good at trying to trick me. Cause now I’m doubting how “happy” I actually was