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*Long post, sorry. I used to be different. Better than whatever this is. Maybe not entirely but at least I didn’t deal with pedophilic thoughts 24/7. At this point it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s not. There’s times when I feel like my old gay self but that last like 5 seconds until those thoughts pop up again. It’s like my old self has just faded away. Like it feels like I ran out of the fuel that made me me yk? And now I’m this. I see everyone else dealing with POCD and I just think “this is NOT the same thing I’m dealing with” yet I still somehow meet the criteria for OCD. Could I be so deep in denial that I just say that I can’t be in denial cause I’m aware of it? Like meta denial? There’s times that really feel like I’m being turned on by these thoughts, as gross as that sounds, but other times that weird feeling isn’t there. So what’s the truth? My feelings used to feel so organized and understandable and now..it’s like all blended and stuck together. Idk what to do except use NOCD as my public diary of sorts. Yes, I’ve had a therapist tell me I have OCD, and I’ve went to a good few sessions but if I’m being honest I used those sessions as reassurance. And who knows, maybe she only told me I have OCD based on what I’ve told her, but what about the things that I may not have said or brought up that would make even her doubt it? Idk how to help myself. It’s too overwhelming and hard and I feel like if I do do ERP it might just prove that I AM that and make it easier to accept which I can’t do or deal with.

Hi everyone! I wanna share something that’s really helped me & it’s to stop the cycle of rumination. It’s easier said than done but that’s usually what gives me the most anxiety. A thought only lasts a second… it’s what you do with that thought that brings a whole deal of anxiety… at least for me. Of course there’s times where I catch myself ruminating and stop myself from it but I’m working on it. It’s hard when the thought feels so real that I have to check and analyze the memory that comes with the thought to figure out what I was thinking at that time but obviously this gets me now where. Thankfully after two long, hard weeks the sensation I had in my chest and body lowered immensely. I still don’t know how to accept the fact that I can be gay bc I have a boyfriend that I am terrified of losing so if I just accept that I might be gay that will ruin everything. If anyone has any tips on this lmk!!!! I think what’s the hardest for me is getting memories from when I was younger and trying to figure out why I did some of the stuff I did. Sometimes I get reassurance that I’m straight but often I get even more questions and anxiety. It’s like this is the one thing keeping myself from living a happy life with my bf… once I figure this out I will not feel anxious about anything else. It’s hard man. We can do this & we got this!!!!

So I've been struggling quite hard with my self esteem and life events which have exacerbated my hocd, pocd, negative thinking this past so many months. I'd put my life on hold, while trying to do things to build my positivity as the waiting list for therapy is ridiculous. I've been trying to push through ot by doing things I normally enjoy, like theatre. It's still been a struggle but I've been trying not to let this deter me. My mind right now just keeps thinking of the worst possible outcomes, with a helping of self critism. I've just found out I've got a new job that I could be starting as early as tomorrow, as a teaching assistant, something I've never done before but want to try as I've been in a rut in my life for so long and want positive change (even though change scares me too) Then I read NOCD's article on distractions becoming compulsions and it's giving me anxiety, which in itself I worry triggers more overthinking. My big issue right now apparently is confidence and a huge lack of self esteem, which has brought on my HOCD, POCD, SOOCD etc, pretty much anything negative my negative ninny brain can get ahold of and overthink. This job is new and anxiety inducing, but also wanting it to be positive and negatives give into the fear of it and the unknowns it creates. Building my self esteem (trying to change my brain's automatic switch to negativity thought patterns around me, get out of my own head) and trying to discover a purpose in my life could help aliviate my anxiety and OCD symptoms. Right now, I'm just sitting in them and letting them swallow me, despite my know I have to accept whatever thoughts come my way. I need to move forward with my life and do something. I know this isn't an overnight thing. With NOCD saying that distractions or doing other things becomes a compulsion in itself throws my head into more negative thinking, as if you're saying doing this is going to fail and there's no hope for me. I can't let myself believe that, because I don't want to live in fear, I want to face them. I want to live my life again and get my brain out of this pattern. Surely distractions or doing positive things (that are initially scary) will help to break my catastrophising thiught spiral and find it easier to manage my symptoms and get on with my life?

Any Christians on here? How do I do ERP for SO OCD? I feel like it's goes against God when purposely filling my mind with these thoughts. Any tips or advice to overcome? Thanks.

When my OCD first latched itself onto my sexual orientation 7 years ago, it scarred me bad. My gf at the time, was coming out of a same sex relationship and overcoming previous abuse when she entered a relationship with me. Looking back, my OCD was really starting to show then and during one moment while we were having sex OCD struck. The next day I was admitted to a hospital due to suicidal thoughts that were accompanying the obsessive orientation thoughts. While I was allowed to leave a day later, the absolute numbness I felt the moment those thoughts kicked in and the weeks after are something I’ll never forget. During this time I was diagnosed with GAD. Looking back and now knowing of mental compulsions, I can see why I was diagnosed that way because my compulsions were almost all in my head. I remember discovering SO OCD during this time and instantly it clicking what I was going through, but I ignored the OCD aspect. The treatment I was receiving for GAD wasn’t working so I stopped, and with the help of Lexapro and avoidance, I “got better” Slowly the thoughts regarding my sexual orientation faded and OCD targeted other fears, all the while I suffered in silence never acknowledging that I had OCD. During those 7 years, while some situations I handled better than others whenever I saw someone who was openly gay or who I assumed was gay, it felt like I would get punched in the gut, the memory of the event from years before causing my head to throb. But I would just force myself to think of something else and make memories go away. I now see how bad this was, and how me never getting the help I needed only let this theme of my OCD grow bigger all while I fed him unknowingly with this fear and gave into compulsions with others. At the start of my current flare up thinking back to all these thoughts and memories that occurred over the 7 years was hard. My OCD used this as proof that I’ve known all this time and was just afraid to accept it. Now that I’m in a much better headspace thanks to getting the help I needed, I see how this was all OCD this whole time. While I do wish I had gotten help for this condition when I first discovered I showed signs of it, whatever actions I have chosen in that time have led me to being here today with my amazing wife, who has been my rock through this, and an incredible daughter, with my son on the way and for that I am grateful. So if you did read it this far, thank you! And I wish you nothing but success it your journeys of conquering OCD. And while I know this will be a battle I will still be fighting even when I conquer it this time, and am thankful to now have the tools ready to deal with it and highly encourage anyone to get the help they think they need.

I really don't know what else to do. I had this at 16 and, even though it never really passed, it eased up, they were annoying thoughts, but I could push them out of my head. Now, after I started dating, everything came back stronger, thoughts like 'you don't love your boyfriend', 'you're a lesbian', 'you have to accept yourself', 'you're only with him to hide' and things like that. Before, my relationship was perfect, we had relations and I was always satisfied and happy, until HOCD got me. It was horrible, I started having panic attacks, I wouldn't eat, and I felt misunderstood. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone and, with the stronger thoughts, the compulsions started coming. Like constantly researching 'how to know if I'm a lesbian', 'how to know if I love my boyfriend', tests to know my sexuality, and that reassured me, but it was fleeting. More and more, I sunk into compulsions. I spend hours researching, watching videos, my head spends hours going back to my past looking for proof that I'm a lesbian even though I've never been interested in a girl, only boys. Now, to make things worse, I feel numb, I don't feel like kissing or having sex with my boyfriend anymore. I feel like garbage. Every time I confess my thoughts to him, he tries to help and reassure me, but I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm afraid of being a lesbian and having to break up with my boyfriend, afraid of deceiving him. I'm exhausted, I only think about this from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. And now, I don't seem to be sure of anything. I read some things about compHet and was initially relieved because I didn't have any of that, but now my head doubts that I don't have anything. It makes me think I'm hiding memories because I'm in denial and don't want to accept that I'm a lesbian and don't have OCD. Please, please, help me. Is this HOCD? If so, please, does anyone have any tips?

I’ve been much better for months. Deleted this app even. One thing I started to become insecure about is the fact that I don’t have a very girly voice. Then I noticed lesbians have deeper voices. I finally let go of that obsession. But then on Instagram I was suggested a reel about lesbians having an “accent” and I wonder if I have that (???) I didn’t watch it but now I can’t stop wondering and I’m conscious about my voice. Then, I was on IG again and IDK WHY but I was suggested a reel “pov: your friend who doesn’t know she’s queer” - I didn’t watch that either but thought, “what if that’s me? What if I just don’t know?” I’m spiraling so bad for the first time in MONTHS and feel so defeated.

I (M21) truly don't know if im denial or have SO-OCD and am in denial or what. Over a couple years ago I struggled with hocd really bad. It started with just a random thought that led later on to what I think were false attractions or crushes? I would instantly seemingly compulsively stare at most dudes butts. I never felt aroused by this to my knowledge. Overtime though I got basically so tired of worrying that I was just like "Even if these are genuine attractions I have no desire to pursue them and I don't ever have fantasies about them so it will just be a thing that exists for me. Then for the last couple of years thats were I was at and felt like I was straight and just accepted the uncertainty. Within the last few months though it is either returning seemingly or I am actually bisexual and just very heterosexual leaning. Or both Im not sure. The reason I say this is because around 3 months ago I was just writing something down for my college class and a guy walked past me brown jeans and my eyes just got fixated on his ass the more I tried to look away the more I kept looking back repeatedly. I don't think I felt any arousal just a lot of anxiety. Eventually I got on with the day and was pondering it for a while I was like "this must mean something right?" I then looked back at my old HOCD posts and felt the experience of staring was similar. After a few hours I guess I just forgot about it and then went on with my life. Around a month or 2 ago I was going to the gym and I saw a guy exercising and kept looking at his muscles and was fixated like the other event I mentioned. I remember I felt some kind of feeling, I did not feel aroused or that I wanted to touch him or anything of that sort. I just remeber having a feeling. I don't fully remeber everything after that but I think I was just like "Maybe it was something maybe not idk" Recently a couple weeks ago we were sitting in class and I hear some guy talking and was like "wow his voice sounds deep" then after that I had some sort of panic in my head and kept wondering "I am attracted to him" "Did I like it?" again I felt no arousal or desire for him. I saw him again today and honestly felt nothing I just thought his deep voice sounded cool. Over the last couple of weeks I had been thinking through all this and was like "no, this has to mean something right?" I started watching hocd videos and am I bisexual in denial videos and my brain kept being like "Its different this time, its probably real" Ever since then I have been in an almost constant state of intense anxiety I keep wondering if im actually bisexual. Part of me feels like I am and already have admitted it but just don't like the label. Which I admit is probably true. I liked being straight it felt right for me. I have tried to watch gay porn multiple times to see if men can arouse me but I feel nothing. A lot of the time I really don't wanna watch it and just give up on trying. If I watch straight porn with a woman moaning I will get hard very quickly even if I don't think she is that attractive. At this point if I am bisexual I just want to know and not be in denial. The idea of being in denial or secretly having gay feelings and repressing them terrifies me I tried to fantasize about men and got to a point where it felt like a compulsive urge but did not arouse me. These compulsive urges involved me trying to fantasize about a guys crotch or ass seeing as that is where I had that feeling before but still nothing. Tonight I tried looking up guys asses in jeans to see if I feel anything but I felt pretty much nothing, except for one guy who was shirtless with his ass in jeans. I felt that wierd feeling again but did not feel arousal or excitement even though I legimately tried to. Is this wierd feeling repressed desire or something? It's driving me crazy I don't know what that feeling is. now I am worrying if I also had some sort of attraction to someone several years ago. I remember watching a YouTuber and I thought he looked attractive and then starting checking obsessively then just forgot ? For reference I am honestly a lot less sexual overall than I used to be. Before this whole event I abstained from porn completely. I am attracted to women but it feels more selective. Iv'e never seen a woman on the street and been like "I wanna kiss or have sex with her". But when talking to women on dating apps it would always get me excited and aroused and I have liked to listen to asmr about girls both erotic and not for a long time. Before all this questioning part of me was wondering if I was asexual because my eyes would look around at women but I didnt feel like I was attracted or anything. I found some women more attractive than others but that was about it. TLDR: Am I bisexual in denial or repressing my feelings or whats going on here?

I can’t say that I have OCD but I’ve seen the various themes and I feel as I have it and well my life has been very crazy for the last 5 days. Right now I’m struggling with harm and somewhat religious ocd I’d say and becuase of the thoughts I have gotten panic/anxiety attacks and can’t keep myself from shaking and feeling very hot or cold becuase of these thoughts. I have also dealt with health, sexual orientation, etc in the past. But harm and religious ocd has really shaken me like crazy I’ve had thoughts of harming my mother and yk I don’t wanna say the word but yk it and I get really scared that maybe that my mind really wants to do it but I today I cried for the first time in such a while thinking about my mom and it kinda gave me relief because I seriously felt I have lost my emotions but I feel way more relaxed and joining this app today and seeing people’s experiences has given me hope

Hi. My name is Alec. I've had this app for a year, maybe less, but never used it really. I don't know why, if it's a lack of motivation, or confusion about myself. Maybe a lot of things, piling on top of each other, day in, day out. I've had no platform comfortable sharing things with, no real community to try and be a part of, because I couldn't take the first step. I'm shooting a light into a dark night here and I don't know where this is going but here I am. I don't know what medical issues I've had, and my whole life it feels like whatevers been going on with me has been swept under the rug or categorized as just another part of autism. I may be on the spectrum with aspergers, diagnosed, but it always felt like there was something else, like these people just generalize my brain into something easy to work with. Well it's not. My brain has periodic attraction to minors, but that's being nice for the sake of it. They're kids. KIDS. And any time I've wanted to come out and get some help, maybe float the idea of someone coming out to people with that issue, I always hear the same response. Commit suicide, people like that deserve death. "If you in any way are attracted to kids, there is no excuse, people like that should be;" shot, stabbed, raped, etc. So I never have seeked anything or anyone out for help, and just sat in my own disgust and lust that I've grown numb to it. I think my brain obsessively targets a mindset to make myself feel less bad about drawn porn of the content, because that's all it's been, growing numb to sickening ideas and maybe even normalizing it. You can never be as mad at me or anything as I am, because I have to deal with these thoughts just about every day. I don't know if it's much better, but I don't look up CP. While I can't help these strange obsessive attractions, I've put so much energy directing it into fictional porn, specifically the drawn stuff, just so I couldn't be tempted in real life, and seems to be working so far, but if I can snuff out this issue for good, I don't know how I'd feel, but I hope relieved. That's simply a smaller chapter in my life, despite its vulgarity, so still be aware that I am being vulnerably open right now to a bunch of strangers that may not want to see this. I dont know. I really don't. There has been no option for me that I could find, and I'm already past the option for suicide, so I'm just crossing fingers that maybe some answer will come to because who can afford a therapist when they have no money, and listen to the comments of an ultimatum for various problems probably associated with a mental issue is murder or some twisted version of justice? I simply just want to figure out what's wrong with me, and maybe even fix all of my mental problems and blocks, despite this being an app for a target group of people. Maybe this is my root, who knows. But thank you anyways.

I haven’t really had a lot of trouble with my SO-OCD intrusive thoughts for a while, but I just got really triggered by one of my friends. I’m a straight female and I recently discovered the singer Chappell Roan, who sings primarily about LGBTQ+ and lesbian experiences. Listening to her music was a big deal for me because normally that sort of thing would trigger me, but it’s pretty catchy to me and a few of my friends (who happen to be lesbian) thought it was cool and were happy I was into the same music they were into. Well today, I sent them a text that I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole with her music and am starting to watch her interviews, which is something I usually do when I discover a new artist (I tend to hyperfixate on things a lot). After sending this text, one of my friends said “are you sure you’re not gay” which sent me into an intrusive thought spiral. In the past, she’s said I set off her “gaydar” which was also really triggering to me. My brain keeps telling me that if I come off that way, it must mean I’m lying to myself and I’m actually a lesbian. I wanted to tell her that I have SO-OCD and those types of comments trigger me, but I don’t want her to take it as me not being accepting of gay people. I felt like I finally got to a place where I’m confident I’m straight and now my brain is trying to trick me into thinking I’m lying to myself and it really sucks. I’m really just posting this because I don’t feel like anyone in my life would understand what these thoughts even feel like and it’s just awful.

To my fellow SO-OCD fighters, Do you guys ever feel like your OCD tricks you into thinking that you actually like these thoughts? And does that send you down another spiral?

I just read a post that brought me a great deal of anxiety and I honestly don’t know what to do. It had to do with lesbians not knowing they were lesbians until later in life bc they didn’t want to like the idea or bc of social norms. I didn’t even know this was a possibility but now that I do I already know it’s something that isn’t going to leave my head. Any advice? I really thought I was getting a little bit of a hang of this but now I feel like this is me and I just have to accept it

I just want to be happy with my boyfriend and I genuinely don’t know what to do. How will I get over this… every time I find some peace something from my past comes to haunt me and I always find a reason as to why that means I’m gay. Every time I think well I’ve liked guys my whole life I convince myself that it was all fake. This sucks and I’m so tired of this. I want 100% certainty and I don’t know how to be okay without it. It wouldn’t be fair to him if I’m gay and I hurt him down the road. The last thing I would ever want to do it hurt him that’s why I want to figure this out and be done with it once and for all

Does anyone find tiktoks about being ‘realising’ they are gay or coming out later in life really triggering? I have SO-OCD and seeing those things makes me question everything so deeply. How do you cope with this please.

I’m so tired of my thoughts. Some days I feel better, no thoughts or just a few, some other days I feel like I’m totally in denial and I’m hiding this part of myself to me but above all to the people around me, especially my boyfriend. I can’t really stand anymore the presence of these thoughts, make me feel I won’t be happy in my life never again and this makes me feel super depressed, I’m afraid I can develop depression. ROCD and SOOCD make me doubt myself and my feelings, and every time I see a case where a person find out later in life to be gay I literally start to cry. I can’t stand this anymore, really. I’m in therapy actually, so it is better compared to a few months ago, but I always question if it’s really ocd or not.

I really hope I’m not the only one that gets intrusive images as bad as I do. I had such a nice day today compared to how it’s been lately and now here I am at 2:59AM still awake I’ve been doing everything trying to create happy images, scroll tiktok, play music and bedtime stories on YouTube, and I’m suffering with intrusive images. I’m so tired and afraid. This is not who I am or who I want to be. I’m attracted to grown men and women and this hurts and is so confusing to me. I went shopping today and had zero interest in where any children where and I avoid looking at them. I feel nervous sometimes but mostly calm because I know my morals and that I don’t want to hurt children. WHY is this happening and why is it so persistent and graphic. And today like I had it happen some but I just breathed through it and was able to become present. WHY can’t I do that at night??? Why is it so hard? And I feel like I’m not reacting how I should. I’m in hell but I’m so wanting to beat this because I know in my heart it’s not me. Is that denial??? I really don’t feel like it is I have zero few there.

I'm in a relationship since November with a wonderful guy. I'm in a flare up right now. I'm very scared about the persisting thoughts on whether I love him or not, and I also still have some SO-OCD thoughts. Also, I'm thinking about changing therapy and try a new one (who does erp in the right way, I hope), so it's all very confusing. I didn't want to share my ocd themes with him because he is already dealing with some difficult stuff and I'm also scared he wouldn't want to stay in the relationship with me or he would see me in a different way. At the same time, it's so difficult to "hide" something like this... I'm afraid it will take me away from him anyway

Today was kinda hard😵‍💫 I tried to go to a new therapist who does ERP (my current therapist doesn't - I've read a lot about it on NOCD but never tried it with a therapist). However, telling her my intrusive thoughts, I got so triggered. I don't know, but the more she asked and the more I answered, my brain was like: "She thinks you like girls and you are in denial... and you know, it's probably the most logical thing. That's it". I somehow went out there convinced that was the truth. Then I had a really ugly cry with my mother 💀 and now I don't know what to do! I don't know if it's her "fault" that I got triggered or if it's a good thing... like, she didn't reassure me or give me an answer ("oh don't worry, you certainly love your boyfriend!" or "uh yeah, you're absolutely lying, you're in denial"), so maybe that's a good thing?

I am clean and free from my porn addiction. I was 8 and now I'm 18. I didn't realize it was an addiction until now and all the shame is hitting me at once. I let my porn addiction take me to dark and sketchy places. Now I can't get over the shame of the actions I did. I was shameful before but now I accepted that it was an addiction, ive been so depressed and having thoughts about what I did and if I could go back and save myself now I would. I keep getting so many intrusive sexual thoughts about literally everything. People, places, things, animals and even children. I hate all these anxiety inducing painful thoughts. Does anyone have any insight on recovering from excessive thoughts?