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Does sexual orientation feel like you in the closet?

I’ve been dealing with intrusive thoughts and groinals for over a year and a half now, and the problem has only grown worse and worse. It began with just passing thoughts, and then I started developing groinals a few months in. It is genuinely with everything I love- mostly my family, but also my dogs, the toddler I babysit- and I am suffering so so so much. Eventually, it got to the point where the thoughts didn’t just pass- they would turn into a MINDSET for me and cloud my judgement for seconds to minutes. I feel like I’m in the backseat of my mind, and whatever disgusting irrational monster exists in their is taking the wheel. This still sometimes happens to me, and after it passes I look back on it and genuinely don’t want to live because of how horrible and disgusting I feel. I’m writing this because I just had a really bad moment having to do with my sibling (although things like that happen almost every day to me). No normal human is built for this, and I genuinely can’t do this anymore. I’m not expecting anyone to do anything, as I’m already getting help, but I just needed to get this out. Also, I’m not sure if this happens to anyone else, but I’ll have the WORST and most awful intrusive moments, and then after a bit of time passes I can barely remember how I felt in that moment. It is so hard to feel okay with myself. If anyone even sees this, know that I am wishing for all your happiness and recovery.

I know that ocd becomes worse if a girl is having her period but is it normal if my ocd gets worse when I’m ovulating? Also, how can I stop rumminating? I find these videos in yt but I guess it became more a compulsion than other thing and doesn’t reaaly help me that much :/

I don’t know what happened but I feel like my OCD is back and I’m crying because I’ve been doing so good and now I feel like all of a sudden it’s back and I don’t want to go down this path again because it was really dark time for me and I was doing good like and I’m getting my medicine switched and I started a new one tomorrow but I don’t know I feel like there’s a spell on me. I can’t go through this again and I am crying I just I can’t go through this hell hole again and I really need help in advice to say strong during this because I can’t do this like I can’t do this again I can’t I hate how my brain is like so mad and just yells at me like I have to think about this in order for her to go away like no I don’t want to think about it but if I don’t think about whatever it wants me to think about, it’s like gets louder and louder in my head, and like the more urgent, feeling of having to think about it, in order to go away, I know it’s OCD I know it’s OCD and then like what if it’s not OCD like no if I don’t wanna think about something obviously it’s OCD it’s OCD it’s always OCD whatever my brain wants me to think about and it gets louder and louder. It’s just it’s OCD bro it’s OCD, I think I am going on a spiral and I just really need help like I’m tired of my OCD wanting to think about things and then saying it’s not OCD when it’s literally OCD

Hi! So I just recently got my OCD diagnosis but I haven’t really seen any of my symptoms listed anywhere online. I’m mainly pure O, but I do have one physical compulsion where I am constantly cracking my knuckles/ other joints. To the point where I cant go over 45 seconds without cracking something without being incredibly uncomfortable unless I’m asleep. It doesn’t help that I have super lax joints so cracking repetitively is just something my body naturally allows. I feel so awkward going on dates/ job interviews/ work meetings/ etc… where I’m around new people because everyone I’m close to in life knows and just accepts the cracking since it’s been going on since at least middle school, but to new people it must seem incredibly rude if not just plain annoying. I also do not have to crack a certain amount of times, but I have to get a “satisfying” crack before I can do anything else. It started interfering with work to certain extents because I could have my report all typed up and then sit there for 5-10 minutes before being able to hit send because I HAD to get the right crack before doing anything else. Or when I have a patient that I’m taking vitals on and pause for a solid 3-4 minutes after putting the blood pressure cuff on them because I can’t continue until I get the right crack. As for the “O” part, I feel like my thoughts don’t fit neatly into a single category of OCD. There will be nights (most of them lately) where I cannot sleep because I’m overthinking things to the point that I become suicidal. Not to the point of acting on it, but where I simply want to give up and not exist. Most of these thoughts seem to be about things from my past that I consider embarrassing. For example, I went on a date with a girl about a year ago now where I word vomited and was so embarrassed about it that I still think about it daily. I have since gone on dates with many other woman and don’t have any attachment to the girl this date was with, but I think back on how awkward I was and the self loathing is fueled for the night. If I hang out with friends or people I’m super comfortable with and I say something stupid, not even thinking about it in the moment, I’ll go home at night and think about it until I’m nauseous and crippled with sadness and regret. I’ve been having panic attacks a lot lately because I can’t seem to quiet the thoughts and I just get so worked up. Night time is definitely the worst for me as its typically when I have the downtime to sit with my thoughts as opposed to during the day when I’m working or out with friends my mind has other things on it. I also go through really bad obsessions, different from thoughts that keep me awake at night but just things that I become utterly obsessed with for weeks on end (if not more). For example, I was watching the show Supergirl a couple months ago and got so incredibly obsessed with it that once I finished, I had a huge depressive episode and felt like I couldn’t get out of bed for over a week. And the obsession continued for weeks after. This sounds more like ADHD to me but I thought I’d throw it in here as a symptom as well since I’m still super new to the diagnosis and am not 100% what is what. Lastly, I have a weird thing that’s been going on for years now where I’m deathly afraid of intimacy. I’ve had long term relationships, and along with them sexual relationships, but overall I am so uncomfortable with anyone perceiving me that the past couple months I have not been able to even put myself out there because I’m so scared of being judged. I dated a guy for 4 years and maybe made out with him 2-3 times the entire relationship because I was scared of kissing because I felt like I wasn’t experienced enough with it and was always overthinking everything that I just never pushed through and got myself comfortable. Its been 3 years now since that relationship ended and I’m still scared of kissing someone or touching them in case I am doing something wrong. I don’t mind being kissed or touched as much as I mind starting the act myself. I’m just so self conscious about anything that has to do with my body that I feel like I cant function as a normal human. I also have an issue where I can’t eat in front of anyone other than a few close friends or family. I feel like I gave myself an eating disorder because I don’t want to be seen doing anything with my body that I don’t have to, and it’s made some normal life tasks incredibly uncomfortable. I’ve been really depressed lately and have been having a hard time managing my health, work, and school all together. I’m not sure if this is due to the OCD or just depression on its own, but that’s another worth mentioning I guess. A lot of these symptoms I assumed were maybe autism for a long time, and I thought maybe the finger cracking was tourette’s at first, but I was given an OCD diagnosis and am curious if anyone else has anything similar going on with them because I really cant seem to find anything relatable online. Part of me feels like I may have been incorrectly diagnosed, so I would love to hear from others!

So I took out a loan for my college. And it said it covered the costs, and I was all set. I only had to pay eighty bucks per month because of the loan. Suddenly. And I mean SUDDENLY. I have 7k to pay off?? The loan was SET. And covered it. I am really confused and scared and my compulsions have come back because of it. I feel like vomiting I can’t call the school as it’s too late. What if I get kicked out? Because I can’t pay that amount? What if they won’t work with me? I’m so scared please PLEASE I need some advice. ANYTHING.

i just switched therapists and today was my first session with my new therapist. while on the call i had a panic attack and ended up hanging up the call cause i couldn’t calm down. i’m extremely sad about how the therapist is treating the situation. i voiced what was going on when the panic attack started. i later messaged her apologizing and explaining that my panic attacks cause a rush of compulsions that i HAVE to submit to rapidly. she’s suggesting i “wait until after the new year” to continue therapy. i don’t understand that because i so clearly need the help now, i can barely function. i’m not sure what to do in this situation and im so sad and hurt. i need help and im literally crying over how disappointing it is to be brushed off by the person who i need help from.

Hi everyone, so I’m way new to this kind of thing but I figured it might help to find more people that I can relate to as far as this part of my life goes. I will put a trigger warning for certain language regarding illness, violence, SH, COVID and obviously OCD. I was recently diagnosed with OCD, not really a specific kind just mixed obsessions and compulsions. Even so, I’ve known for a while that I might have OCD, my family did as well. I started having problems when I was about 11 when my whole family got sick with a virus, since then my whole life revolves around this disorder. Where to begin, I guess I’ll start with my fears, I think the better question would be; what don’t I fear, but my main fear would be illness. I know that this is usually linked with contamination OCD and that I deal with that kind of OCD the worst. I’m terrified of getting sick, specifically regarding illness that affects the gastrointestinal system but any sickness is scary. Since I was 11, I’ve had this crippling fear that controls my school life, work life, my diet, my friendships, relationships, my home life, the medicine I will take and treatments I will allow, and overall, my happiness. On top of having OCD I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), I believe that both of these, although having a genetic factor, are severely worsened by my OCD. Things only got worse when COVID happened. It was like the world was ending and honestly I wish it had because that would’ve been easier. My fear was solidified during those years. On top of not wanting to interact with anyone, I lost someone very important to me from complications due to COVID. I miss this person greatly, and going through that grief was immense putting my fear at its peek. With that being said, I also deal with intrusive thoughts that are violent in nature, sometimes to others, mostly to myself. Those thoughts can be anywhere from hatred, disgust, anger, and just straight violence. I have lots of shame surrounding the intrusive thoughts I have because it’s hard for me to recognize that those thoughts aren’t a reflection of my real feelings of others or myself. I also have a hard time in relationships, including friendships, because I constantly question my feelings toward that person, not knowing how to differentiate between the intrusive thoughts I have about them and the actual feelings I have for them. During this time, I’m growing and learning new things about myself, exploring my sexuality and gender as well and becoming who am I today. I’m 18 now and a senior in high school and I feel like I’ve missed so much of my teenage years hiding from the world in fear. In person schools are hell for me, when I go I’m constantly on edge, overwhelmed with the fear of sickness and people and even just breathing the air that the other students breathe. Being there makes it so hard to learn, think, or complete assignments and because of this, my education looks a lot different from most. I’m in an online school, it’s still a public school but online. This school has been a positive experience for the most part, I can learn and get good grades that I couldn’t before, it also gives me a sense of independence and control of my education. However, it also means I miss out on a lot of things. My school does hold a prom and graduation for students but I have no friends at this school because most people aren’t here to socialize but to get an education and move on. So, I’ve never been to a prom, my only friend lives in a different state than me, I don’t experience parties or sneaking out or relationships outside of the non-serious ones I had in middle school, overall, this disorder has made me very lonely. My parents are amazing, they truly do their best to accommodate to me but they will never understand the extent of what I go through. I never want them to fully understand what it’s like to have OCD the way I do. I wouldn’t wish this disorder on anyone. They have gotten me doctors that want to help me and a great therapist but I still struggle. I will say in recent months I’ve been making some progress however there are still bad days. I understand that this disorder is for life but I hope that one day I can live in spite of it. I often think back to a time where life was so much more enjoyable because I wasn’t constantly anxious. I miss a time where I was living instead of surviving. I hope that this app can do me some good, I’m an adult now and I want to change how I’m living. I want to find more independence and happiness and most importantly, peace of mind that everything will end up okay. Now, this is only a summary of my story but I hope that if you got this far you understand that you aren’t alone in this. We aren’t alone. - Jay (he/him)

-social anxiety -existential ocd -religious ocd

I have pocd. How are you supposed to practice erp with an intrusive thought that is so disgusting and wicked? A disgusting two-words intrusive thought? It's difficult for me to just sit still and get exposed to such a horrible thought. I still can't write it because it triggers me a lot so I'll say the "acronym": it's pc but read backwards... if you get the word I'm trying to say you'll understand that that word is very disgusting, for me it's the worst word ever of all times and I can't simply deal with it, whereas with other triggering words I am able to move on. With this thought for me it is simply impossible to ignore. And moreover the day after tomorrow is my 18th birthday, a once of a lifetime event and I'm afraid that I'm going to start that day with the same intrusive thought ruining everything and having the memory of that thought forever because it is associated to such an important event. How I deal with that? How do I apply ERP to such a disgusting intrusive thought? I can't do it. How can I move forward? Somebody help me, please.

Hi everyone, I want to talk about something kinda personal because I don’t really get to talk to my family about my life without being judge. So I have had anxiety/OCD and more since I was a kid. I have some terrible thoughts, including about the dead and etc. anyways I feel like I was neglected as a kid and a young teen but I don’t want to put false blame on my parents. I just need to know. Ever since I was a kid I’ve felt different, I’ve had these terrible thoughts and feelings that I wasn’t enough. My sibilants would always tell me to stop crying, shut up, call me names and hurt me. I always thought it was just a sibilimg thing until we got older and they still bask my mental health and hurt me. For example my sister and I worked at the same place together and people there didn’t like me . And all I did was kept to myself. Well my sister threw it in my face all the names I was called and it hurt a lot. My siblings don’t know about my ocd bc when I shared it back in 2021, they laughed at me and told me to stfu. There’s moments where they are nice, but more where they judge and hurt me. Nobody in my family seemed to care for me until I was on the verge of killing myself a few years ago. I’ve always gotten my basic needs from my parents, but I can always feel the difference in how my mom and dad talk me to my other siblings than me. My mom calls me names and my dad just recently stopped only bc he was having bad anxiety (when it’s in his favor). My mom always screams at me about money and getting my dog outside and my dog being bad ig. But no matter what I cannot catch a break. I am told my parents feel like they have to “walk on eggshells” around me because I’m so sensitive, and my siblings have kids and made a comment if their kids were ever like me they would “nip that in the ass”, to stop them young. I kinda just sit there and take this all. Always have. I always stick up for my siblings and help them. But when it comes to me they don’t care. Same with my parents. My mom tells me to not tell her what I’m going through bc it’s gotten old. Can anyone help me? Help me understand. Is this neglect? Like is this why I always feel hurt and just not good enough. They make me feel like the black sheep.

Hey, this is my first time posting, I’m new here and idk how it works exactly. And I’m not american/english so I’ll do my best to describe what I feel in another foreign language. I developped ocd a few years ago without realising that it was a mental issue. However, this year on january intrusive thoughts of harming my pathner appeared and these thoughts got stuck even nowadays. This does not concern only my partner but also everyone surronding me… And I don’t even recognise me… If I was sure about one thing before hocd hit me it was about the fact that I respect live and that I wouldn’t kill anyone and now I’m afraid that I can pursue with these thoughts… and idk if I’m still afraid or not. I think that I’ll snap, or maybe that I have another medical condition, I’m not sure. Sentences like “do it now” or images appears. I know that I have to sit with uncertainty but I really think that I’m going to snap… Before I even thought that the battle was over and “boom”, ocd makes his own comeback. I reckon that I’m more affraid since in my old high-school, a kid killed one of the teachers that I appreaciated the most with a knive… It was like if my thoughts were begging to be true and I hear all the news (without searching purposely) concerning murders and I just panick thinking I’m going to ruin my life and being in jail. And as long I’m writing this I keep asking to myself “you want to ruin your life” or “do it, anyways you aren’t happy anyway” I ‘m afraid of going outside or staying inside at home. I can’t sleep well. Idk what else to do. Everywhere I go I think suddenly “Nothing stops me to go to the nearest shop and buy a knive”. And idk if it’s normal but in my head everything pass so fast, when I imagine myself doing that I see the persone in front of me dying within seconds or with no pain at all. Sometimes, when I go at college or any other place and I still affraid I could do something to someone even if I know that I didn’t grab a knive and put it in my purse . And idk if I’m affraid or I want to revenge. I feel like sht. I saw firstly in january a psychanalist that told me I wanted to revenge secretely. Then I saw a large number of psychologists but I feel that even if I have improved, I didn’t practice at all ERP or TCC. I’ve tried on my own but idk how it works exactly. I also think in taking medicine but I know that I want to take these so as to prevent me from doing something…. I really don’t know how this app works, I hope that here I’ll find some help (even if I’m not from the US). This post is extremely long, I’m sorry, but at least I explained myself a little bit (even if there are some details that I have missed).

most of my ocd has been under control for years now w medication, however, i still struggle with physical compulsions every day and in the past six months it’s become clear that these compulsions (some of which i’ve had for 5+ years) have been slowly physically damaging my body over time and it’s all coming to a head. i’ve destroyed my right jaw joint by compulsively cracking and popping it since early high school. my wrists and hands feel arthritic and i even have to wear braces sometimes to just prevent myself from cracking them. my body is constantly aching and i feel so defeated. i already have medical issues i deal with so having this on top of it is so draining. it’s really hard to accept that i’ve done this to myself. it just makes me want to cry cause i feel so disappointed by myself. it’s like, if i was able to overcome so many aspects of my ocd through medication, why couldn’t i just stop myself from doing these physical compulsions all the time? it’s like i failed and it’s all my fault that my body feels this way now so i don’t deserve to feel bad when my jaw is so sore i can’t speak or my wrists ache so much that i can’t do work or when my head hurts bc i’m rolling my eyes into the back of my head so much. it’s so hard to accept that this damage and pain is the result of my own actions and compulsions. i wish i knew where to turn or how to stop but i feel so stuck in this cycle. it’s either my bones are aching or i feel such immense distress and discomfort in my body that i have to carry out these compulsions that ultimately leads to more pain and damage. i guess this is mostly a vent post but if anyone else experiences this i’d love to hear from you

Hi everyone! This is me writing this while having an intense OCD attack and seriously I don’t know how to handle it. At this point I cry almost every day, I’ve lost my appetite, and I don’t know what to do anymore. This summer I’ve seen a movie where one of the characters had schizophrenia and did what my intrusive thoughts were about, which is harming others. I panicked immediately and did what I wish I didn’t, but I didn’t know back then it was a compulsion: I googled the symptoms. I felt relief at first, but then I started asking myself what if I have those symptoms? What if my thoughts will become voices and I’ll believe them? (This is still one of my biggest fears) Ever since then it’s a never ending cycle, everything I see and hear I question if it’s real or only me hearing/seeing it. I overanalyse my body sensations like when my ears ring, or I feel a tightness around my head etc. I went to see a therapist to start treatment, and he told me I have nothing to worry about, cause it’s unlikely I’ll develop it. I felt at ease, and for a few weeks I felt so much better, cause that talk with the therapist went well and I finally got the diagnosis which is OCD. But then, I was scrolling on Instagram, and I saw a video and ever since then it’s getting bad again. It gotten so bad that my mind “plays” random phrases/music/words in my head, and it’s sometimes in my internal voice, sometimes it’s in others’ and it’s so scary cause I’m just going on with my day and they’re just there. Also for example I hear my mom cleaning the dishes and as she puts them away they make a sound and I hear a word in it, but it makes no sense yet I panic over it cause it was a word? I feel like I don’t even have own thoughts anymore, other than those and the ‘What if this means…?’ thoughts which cause me so much anxiety I feel like I’ll explode. The reason I’m writing this is that maybe someone who went through the same thing can help me, and give me some tips how to stop ruminating and mentally+physically checking (my emotions, my facial expressions, body sensations etc.)? I’m currently going to a group therapy which is seem to help, but I feel like I need to see a therapist alone where she/he can help me with my exact problem? Maybe it’s seeking reassurance and that’s a compulsion cause what if this isn’t OCD but still I don’t know what to do. Thank you!

I’ve been struggling with these feelings for months. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year and it’s been a struggle. Not because of her, but because of outside circumstances most of the time, but a lot of our issues stem from my mental health. She’s been incredibly strong and has dealt with so much but she’s out some of her needs aside to help take care of me and help me. It’s been a lot on her. She got me out of a really bad relationship that I was in for 4 years and I think I put her on a pedestal. She stayed with me despite me going to a mental hospital for two weeks because of my OCD (that I hadn’t been diagnosed with yet) and how I was obsessively thinking about breaking up with her but knew I didn’t want to or at the very least I didn’t want to hurt her and on top of that I was having suicidal ideation and still do now (after our big talk I walked to all of our old spots we walked to in the beginning of our relationship and I nearly jumped off of one of them) Now I’m having issues determining what’s OCD and what my actual emotions are. I don’t know if I’m falling out of love with her (which is ridiculous because she’s literally everything I’ve ever wanted) or if I’m just really mentally Ill. We made a promise that no matter what happens we’d be at each others weddings. She’s my best friend and I’ve been able to be silly with her recently but we’re in a rocky spot where we’re taking a break over winter break and I’m not allowed to tell her I love her until I know I mean it. I don’t expect anyone to have any answers, but if someone can help me understand and tell me if you’ve had similar issues and how you got through? I have trouble remember a lot of this year and I think I have a lot of unfair connections in my head between us starting to date (in January) and how bad this year has been. I don’t know if I healed from my ex because it was immediate (I’ll be honest, I cheated on my ex with my current gf, which I have a lot of guilt over but I knew she was different and my ex tried to strangle me over Mario party and cheated on my twice.) It’s weird when I feel like I can’t remember any good parts of this year and most of my happy memories were from when we’d sneak around and very early in our relationship. I had a really bad drug experience that was a big catalyst for my mental health but anyway I’ll stop rambling on, it’s be nice if someone could relate to me. TL;DR: I’m having massive amounts of relationship OCD that makes me question if I love my wonderful girlfriend and I’m scared that I just don’t want to be with her anymore. Help.

I was on an erotic site and this woman wanted to do stuff with me. She was in a relationship with another woman on the website. She said that she wanted it and that she hadnt done it with her wife in a long time. Long story short we explicitly chatted online but i feel guilty because of the experience. She said i didnt ruin her relationship but i feel like an evil person for doing it. Am i a bad person for this? Someone told me that because its an online chat site, that i have nothing to be sorry about but... i still feel like a horrible bad person who doesnt deserve love...

i don’t know what to do anymore i have to wash my hands 30+ times a day and i have panic attacks if i accidentally touch my face during school bc my hands are dirty and i have to pull out a napkin and wet it with my water bottle in the middle of class it’s so embarrassing and my hands hurt so bad they’re so dry and red and im trying to get myself to limit my hand washing to once when i get home and once before i wash my face at night but it’s so hard cause literally while i wash my hands my brain will be like “it’s just three more washes would you rather do that or face the consequences” and it’s so loud in my head that i can’t do anything but listen i hate my ocd so much

I have violent intrusive thoughts of killing my mom or killing people or harming my pets. I’ve been dealing with this for 10 years now, but it keeps getting worse. I keep taking medication but it’s not working.

I have severe ocd and today I half-attempted suicide I say half-attempted because my attempts weren’t that risky. I hung myself at a low level and waited to die. I also sort of cut my wrists I tried hanging from a higher point but my belt wouldn’t fit What does this all mean? Am I doing this for attention? What is wrong with me?

What are your tips or what's the advice you'd give to someone starting their journey towards healing from ocd?