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I only find very few men attractive/am attracted to them. Does that mean something?

So to start things off I have an issue with comparing myself. I often have the compulsion to go on Pinterest and look up certain female celebrities and compare myself or just sigh and feel bad because I don’t look like them etc. Unfortunately my ocd has attached to it :( I’ve had thoughts like “No you keep looking for other reasons” or even “This means you’re a bad fiancé” and it makes me freak and spiral, and then my ocd will attack me and make me feel like I’m being disrespectful or unloyal to my relationship. It’s so bothersome, it’s like my ocd has attached to these certain female celebrities and it’s like my compulsion is like I have this urge to click on the photo and if I don’t I worry about if something will happen etc. What’s weird is that sometimes when I’m just doom scrolling through some of these celebrities pictures and feeling upset I feel embarrassed because I’m pretty sure I’m embarrassed of the compulsion itself because it’s a weird compulsion to have and it’s just really bothering me so much. I really hate this and I’ve told my fiancé about it and he always helps me but i dont know how to just sit with this it’s too bothersome and feels awful :( has anyone else dealt with this?

18+ UPDATE: This is my first post of the day so please take that context in mind... I'm genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... ive been holding in the compulsions today all day... but right now its genuinely terrifying me... i have a girlfriend now (over 2 months) and i dont want to lose her... she's kind, and lovely, and the one I wanna marry one day... but then I look at myself... and my past... and I genuinely don't think I deserve her... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless... And its all my fault... All of it...

Guys I'm scared because I'm 18 years old and basically I had a thought of a girl I like from last year we used to kind of date and at the time I was 17 and she was 16 and lately I just been thinking about her and I got aroused and basically I fell arousal when I started to kind of reminisce about past experiences and watching pornography while at the same time it was like founding over those memories but my thoughts just tell me I'm a pedo for doing that because of the age back then and thinking of it I don't know what to do I feel like a monster but I would also have intrusive thoughts and images of her and how she looked back then because I haven't seen what she looked like in a while other than last year I just feel like a monster can someone help me manage these if anyone has a similar experience please let me know

UPDATE: with my harm ocd hitting full swing... i find myself triggered by my pocd again... and i feel like a horrible person... i tried not to post... i tried to do what people told me... but right now i feel absolutely horrible... I genuinely feel so guilty and wanna exile myself from society... I cant handle the anxiety... Im doing horribly right now because I feel so so guilty about this... Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p3dophilic activity and inappropriately abusing and inappropriately messaging women and minors and abusing others and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... (the 18+ HOCD situations were about 18+ s*xual HOCD situations that triggered me immensely...) When I was 19, in an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... The 14-15 year old said she was uncomfortable the first time and i tried to stop venting to her... after she said i was a bad person for supporting trump, i vented to her again because her saying i was a bad person triggered me... she said she was uncomfortable for the second time and then i blocked her... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I'm so genuinely triggered... I don't want to be a P or a MAP or a groomer or a bad person... I wanna be a good person who does good things for other people... I dont want to be arrested for any crimes... I just want to be a good person who helps people in the medical field... I only want to help others... the last thing I want is to commit any form of harm towards minors in any way... 😭😭😭

My therapist recently made me aware that I probably have OCPD. I go to her specifically for Exposure Response Prevention therapy because I recently recognized that I perform a lot purely mental compulsions that I didn't even realize were OCD up until very recently. I'm a pretty high achieving university student but I genuinely believe that I can only achieve good grades if I isolate myself due to my ADHD. I'm only recently starting to accept that maybe that isn't true, but it feels extremely uncomfortable. I'm also gay and trans which makes me feel very insecure due to how the world treats people like me. I somehow come across as extremely confident and put together since I'm quiet, but I'm actually filled with self doubt and self criticism. I constantly question and criticize everything, the meaning of things, the media I consume, my own thoughts. It's what makes me good at science. I feel like it's what makes me good at a lot of things. I feel like when I stop criticizing and punishing myself I degrade as a person. But the problem with that is that it makes me secretly criticize everything else as well, to the point that I can't even laugh at jokes or experience joy like when I was a kid. I'm uncomfortable being sincere and outgoing and goofy because I judge myself so harshly. I'm really depressed and anxious and lonely. To help you stop hating yourself people ask "Would you be as hard on others as you are on yourself?" and the answer is supposed to be "no", but for me the real answer is actually "yes I just wouldn't say it". Then I get worried that I'm an asshole for making people feel intimidated so I became a people pleaser. I downplay all my accomplishments even to myself. I put myself down. I genuinely don't believe in myself. I have crazy imposter syndrome. But then I'm jealous of people who have more confidence because I think everyone should be like me. I replay every social interaction in my head to find out if I did something wrong, if I was mean, and usually I come out believing that I was being mean even if I was the opposite. It's easy to manipulate me into thinking I've done something wrong even if I haven't. The main difference is that OCPD behaviours are generally consistent with your worldview and sense of self, whereas OCD behaviours are not. With OCD you don't really want to be performing all these compulsions, with OCPD you want to and you think everyone else should do the same. With OCPD you don't usually have self awareness that the way you act isn't healthy. OCPD might show up as "Extreme OCD" on an OCD questionnaire because the compulsions feel like part of who you are, so you would answer that your OCD symptoms control your life and decisions to a high degree. This was the case for me at least. Personality disorders are very stigmatized and poorly understood. I've got a great therapist who explained to me they're mostly just a result of complex trauma. But it doesn't really change the fact that being told I have a Personality disorder rather than just a regular disorder feels like an attack on, well, my personality. It makes me feel like a bad person. It was a relief when I thought I just had OCD with purely mental compulsions to be told that these issues are not who I am, they don't define me. But in reality these OCD mental compulsions actually feel like a part of who I am. They feel really difficult to let go of because they feel like the "right" way to be, and if I stop being that way I might fall into "wrongness". I judge others who don’t do things the way I do. I disdain them. It's horrible. But it’s hard to stop. I feel lucky I wasn't raised religious because I think that would have made this 10X harder to deal with. I don't really know how to stop. I can't stop being who I am. My therapist said that the treatment for OCPD is often similar to the treatment for extreme OCD, which is taking an SSRI on top of ERP. But OCPD is even less researched than OCD, so I feel worried.

POCD How are you supposed to accept uncertainty and move on when you feel so uncertain about ur attraction?

I'm constantly double-checking my thoughts, I can't get used to it, I can't get used to the fact that my thoughts are not the whole of me, I find all the Things around me exhausting, I already want to just be silent and not feel anything. I'm afraid of my head. It's like my heart is squeezing inside. I feel sick. I'm scared. My head feels unsafe for me. I can't escape into reality and action, taking care of myself from these thoughts that I'm doing everything wrong and that something is not perfect, I don't feel anything. I'm really scared.. I forget that there are other feelings besides OCD.

After a long exploration and experience with many types of OCD and anxiety, I went through an existential crisis that forced me to “look the beast in the eye” and deal with my OCD. It affects me much less now at 20 than it did when I was 16, and I’d consider myself OCD free with how well I manage it. I wanted to share a few insights that helped me greatly, and would probably help lots of you! 1. First, stop doing the compulsion, not the thought. The goal is not to eliminate intrusive thoughts but to resist the behaviors and mental rituals that follow them, because that is what weakens OCD over time. Allow yourself to notice the compulsion, and the related OCD thoughts will dissipate soon after you stop it. Eventually, if you resist flicking the light switch 47 times, the thought that causes it will leave forever. 2. Practice allowing uncertainty on purpose. OCD feeds on the need for certainty, so deliberately allowing “maybe, maybe not” without resolving it is one of the most powerful ways to reduce symptoms. If you believe this is impossible as I once did, try this exercise. Sit comfortably and take a few slow breaths to settle. Begin to notice the world around you- smells, sounds, sights. Then, switch your focus to your mind, and notice any thoughts you might be having (what if this happens, this is stupid, I think this) When a thought appears, quietly label it with one word like thinking, pain, or worry, without judging it as good or bad. Imagine the thought as a cloud that can float by, or a car that passes on the street, without grabbing onto it. Eventually, allow the thoughts to come and go without any labeling, until no more thoughts come and you are completely in the moment. This is mindfulness, and in this state you are completely free from OCD. Gently bring your attention back to the room by noticing three things you can see, two things you can feel, and one thing you can hear. Keep doing that cycle for a few minutes rather than trying to force your mind to go blank. With practice the thoughts will feel less urgent and you will find it easier to stay present. Much of this came from The Power of Now by Ekhart Tole, a book I’d highly recommend. 3. Do not seek reassurance, Google, or remain in a cycle of mental review. Recognize that this is your OCD, and not you. If you’re asking ChatGPT over and over why your arm itches or if it thinks your girl/boyfriend is mad at you, you’re in a cycle, and your thinking is not logical. Try #2 to help this process. 4. Get structured ERP support and be consistent. Working with a therapist trained in exposure and response prevention and practicing regularly, even when it feels uncomfortable, leads to the strongest and most lasting improvement. They’ll help you ask, “what if it all works out?” More often. Let me know what you think, and please reply with any questions!

18+ UPDATE: This is my first post of the day so please take that context in mind... I'm genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... ive been holding in the compulsions today all day... but right now its genuinely terrifying me... i have a girlfriend now (over 2 months) and i dont want to lose her... she's kind, and lovely, and the one I wanna marry one day... but then I look at myself... and my past... and I genuinely don't think I deserve her... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless... And its all my fault... All of it...

Im really scared of making this post if someone wants to read it just read it I might delete it bc I’m gonna get hate for it but it’s okay I’m just scared and yeah. I was never clinically diagnosed with ocd. I can tell you my story and why I’m 99.9% sure I have it. I feel just so bad and horrible like a liar. So it started when I was like 4 and I couldn’t sleep without my dad being in my room and each night I would wake up and felt forced to go to my parents room otherwise I couldn’t sleep. Then I got obsessed with the number three. When I was 10 I developed severe emetophobia and fear of contamination- I still to this day can’t eat anything in public with my hands. And now it’s hocd. I just feel like a fraud and mean and like I’m invalidating other people’s experiences and like a pick ‚em I feel so bad for it but Idk what to do I’ve asked my parents to get diagnosed but they. Say that I don’t need a diagnosis because it’s obvious that I have ocd but idk I just feel horrible

18+ Ive never been a good person as it turns out... because my real POCD events were disgusting and horrible... I will never love myself... and I dont think I ever will... I failed... sorry guys... (And no. Im not gonna hurt myself, but Im genuinely done thinking I'm good, and will never think of myself as good...) Right now, it's giving me intrusive thoughts of me closely inspecting a baby's bare crotch and touching it... it's making me think I did this as a child... A year ago, this intrusive thought and image suddenly popped up while I was having an OCD attack... and now over a year and a half later, its happened again... and it immediately started making me think that this was a real event that actually happened!!! and if this actually happened, Im absolutely mortified and horrified and disgusted... i don't know if this actually happened or not but its genuinely triggering me... I'm scared because I don't ever want to do that! Im scared of being reported to the police or something because of my venting... i hope this is a false memory...

OK, so I’m a Christian and I decided to start an art account just because I have wanted people to really interact with my artwork and follow, like, and support my art. My goals is to at least hit like 5000 followers or 10,000 followers. It would be really fun to have that experience. but my mind is going wild cause I can’t tell whether or not this is considered idolizing. I know that people say not to search up certain things when you’re dealing with OCD but I still did it anyways. I searched up if wanting followers is idolizing and the first thing that popped up was yes this could be a form of idolization and I’m just sitting here thinking about the ways I could be idolizing social media, cause I’m not putting it before God. I also searched up if hoping you get likes idolizing social media and it said yes it is. like I still make time for God so read my Bible and pray every day. I just have that goal of hitting a certain amount of followers and having my art being liked. the one thing I just wanna do right by God and I don’t want to do wrong that’s why I’m looking into idolizing. I’m a little bit confused I can’t tell whether or not it is or isn’t. I don’t tie my worth to the likes that I get I’m just happy when I do get them. I guess I’m also a little bit worried about this because when I was a bit younger, I made like a little TikTok account and posted. When I didn’t get a lot of likes. I would be disappointed and would kind of tie it to my worth because I started to feel like oh what I’m putting out isn’t good enough. So now I’m afraid of going down that mindset again and my mind is like OK so like maybe I should delete all of my social media art accounts and to stay off of them because you’re idolizing it like. I also have thoughts like what if God wants me to delete all of my social media accounts because I’m idolizing it. I don’t think I’m gonna do that because I’m pretty sure this is an obsession. I low-key been fixated on idolization for like quite some time and that’s why I feel like it’s an obsession because I’m always so worried about idolizing things that even when I get achievements like on this account I ended up getting like close to 600 followers in my art blew up and instead of being happy and grateful I cried because I started to think about if I’m idolizing this if I should delete my account if God wants me to delete my account if I’m doing wrong by God because I wanted legs and followers and I finally got those legs and follow like this whole obsession cycle and I wasn’t even able to be happy about it because instead I tried to figure out God really wanted me to just delete what I had worked hard for. I guess I’m just coming here for advice and just to feel a little less alone.

Hi all. I’m kinda losing my marbles rn I don’t feel very anxious I just keep constantly googling lately and overthinking things I see online and wonder if someone else’s story is mine. As a kid, maybe like 10-12 ish yrs old I liked being called he for some reason but idk it kinda faded. Idk why. It’s blurry. I don’t remember anymore. And after I graduated elementary school I became more comfortable in being a woman and finding my style, etc. idk maybe I was looking for words to describe smthn. Idk. Eventually I stopped. When this happened I told my mom I was bigender, I still liked being a girl, but I don’t think I fully understood the term I’ll be honest. I don’t think I felt like a boy. What does that even feel like? I liked hanging out with the boys cuz they were the only ones who actually liked the same things as me (video games, playing in the snow and dirt and writing cool stories to play at recess) and in most of my interactions before and after that I was a girl. So idk what happened in that point of time and yknow I thought it was just a normal part of growing up etc cuz it happens for some people. Maybe I was curious. I kinda left that part of me behind knowing it was there but I grew out of it. I’m worried now that the past is the real me and this version of me is a liar and a fake and I don’t actually like being a woman etc. I’m worried I’m suppressing smthn. I’m worried I don’t like how I look in the mirror. Even if I say ooo I look cute in this and I love this dress or smthn it feels not genuine. This was causing me a lot of physical anxiety over the holiday break when I was at home with family. Now I don’t feel anxiety but I keep googling ahit like “How do I know if I like my AGAB” “Does gender euphoria have to be intense as a cis person?” “Is it ok and normal to feel neutral about being my AGAB day to day but have it change when I dress up in a different outfit?” “How do I know if I’m suppressing being trans” “Trans ocd vs genuine questioning” “I was a tomboy growing up but I’m not anymore does that mean I am secretly trans and hid that?” “How do I know if I like my AGAB and my pronouns or if I’m just very used to them?” Idk anymore I’m so tired I don’t feel anxious at all. I’m just scrolling and scrolling. It did keep me up about 2 nights ago. Had the worst sleep of my life Idk. I like being a woman. I like being referred to as she/her I’m pretty sure?? I’m used to it yeah, but I love being called princess or his girl by my bf or pretty or beautiful, even if it is a little cringe sometimes lol. It took some time to warm up to but now I’m worried that me being a little anxious and put off by the nickname is evidence. (idk I’m not used to pet names, the last time a partner gave me a pet name it was smeagol. From lord of the rings. Yeah. Nah.). I like having female friends and being seen with them. I like being one of the girls after being ostracized for so long as a kid cuz I liked dragons and video games and playing in the dirt. But what if I’m lying and deep down inside I don’t want to be a woman? Idk I’m scared I’m worried I’m stressed. I like to switch up my style now and then and trying new styles makes me happy cuz I like to try new things. Smthn punk ish one day for a concert or a protest shirt another or a cardigan and jeans all give me a little happy tingle and that feels right cuz that’s me, I’d like to try more tomboyish styles so I’ve saved some on Pinterest but I have no funds lol. I feel good in those but I’m worried it’s a lie. What if I just like being seen as an attractive woman but don’t actually feel that way? I think I feel like I’m an attractive woman. I feel really pretty and confident. A little anxious cuz I don’t usually get done up for classes or anything so it’s a bit odd lol. I feel good in how I look and my style. All of it is me. So I don’t usually have those happy tingles unless it’s a new thing for me. I didn’t have the tingle with my prom dress but I loved it. It was gorgeous and I felt like a princess but I’m worried I’m now lying to myself and I don’t actually like anything I’ve ever worn or my style and that everything I have saved in my Pinterest boards isn’t me and is just a lie cuz I’m forcing myself to deny something. I have my insecurities sure. My breasts are too small, I have some stress acne that I’ve been picking at that I hate, I feel like I’m too skinny and want some curves and some weight, I’m worried my face is too masculine, does my hair look right? What about my eyebrows? My makeup? Yknow that stuff. I don’t hate my body. I love it. After years of being insecure about it sure. But I got there and the thought of being a liar to myself and the thought of changing it freaks me out a little. I don’t think I want that like ever. I don’t want anything. I’m happy for trans people obviously but I don’t want what they have. I just want my body to change as a woman. But I’m scared that when my frontal lobe develops and locks in I’ll change my mind and actually hate being a woman or smthn. I feel like k need to figure out now if I’m trans, non binary or whatever the fuck. I don’t think I’m either or a secret third thing. Sorry for the long ramble I needed this out. I’m tired.

Well this vent turned into a long story… so buckle up if you’re interested. Group projects have always been a struggle… frustrated by the quality of work turned in by others that negatively affects my grade. I used to pair up with kids who didn’t care & just do the whole thing myself. In college, I thought it might be different. I had a group in my undergrad who was so rude to me, but I showed up and did my best anyway. My part of the presentation (that I made completely on my own) got the full # of points. At the end, we all gave each other a score from 1-5. I gave them all 5s even though I didn’t think they deserved it, and I got a score that was 4-6 points lower than 100%. So, someone or several people rated me poorly. Our professor bought us beer at the school brewery to celebrate finishing our capstone, and I ordered a large. Everyone else got small drinks, but I didn’t know until I sat down. I got attitude from them about ordering a large drink. This memory has haunted me for a long time. The scores my group gave me knocked my GPA down to a 3.0, which is the cutoff for graduate school. I’ve questioned if I deserved that. Was I a worse group member than I realized? Was I selfish and rude for ordering a large drink? Was it too expensive? Why was my GPA dropped that much? Was it karma? Would I still be accepted into a grad program? I was healing from a major life-altering, near-death experience car accident and concussion at the time. I vaguely told the group I had disabilities, but since my medical issues were invisible to them- I don’t think they believed me. My dog wasn’t service trained back then… after she was, people were nicer and seemed to believe me more when she was with me. I hated that I felt like I needed strangers to believe I had medical problems… and now I can see how that was related to OCD. I still feel like I have to prove myself. People used to come up to us and start petting her without asking and bombarding me with questions about “how to get one” …it seemed like people still didn’t believe I had disabilities even though she was a clear physical representation. It was so frustrating… especially if I was symptomatic or trying to catch a flight. Eventually when people approached us, I learned to start with, “well, you need to have a qualifying disability and paperwork to prove it” …that usually forced people to check themselves. Although, I had a lady scream and wave her hands in my face at the airport. She was yelling asking if my dog was an epilepsy service dog. We were on our way to our gate, so I didn’t stop and she kept yelling as we rode away on the moving sidewalk thing. I don’t understand why people think I owe them any explanation or lesson on service dogs. It’s so bizarre. I slowly started to give up, and was letting people touch her when I didn’t want them to because they would go away faster. My dog loved the attention, but it messed with her focus and training. I started getting frustrated with her too. It wasn’t her fault but I wanted it to stop. I think she started appearing like a “fake” SD because of her attention to/from strangers. So then I worried about appearing like a fraud even more. I felt trapped like once someone had permission to pet her… coerced or otherwise, I couldn’t change the expectation. I got in a bad habit of letting grad school classmates pet her… which felt impossible to undo because I had classes with the same cohort for years. I started being standoffish to people, wanting to be left alone. I was constantly running late (also connected to OCD- checking locks, compulsions, etc). Then I was worried if I was being mean to my dog because I was annoyed and always rushing her around. We were constantly in a frantic hurry. It was more difficult for people to stop us if we were rushing, but I was stressing us both out. I had a grad party recently & found out a classmate who also has disabilities thought I didn’t like her. She was forced to sit in the front because she was in a wheelchair and I wanted to disappear in the back, so I always rushed past her. She asked me about the SD process at some point too, and I wasn’t in the mood so I was probably rude. She’s the only person who actually did deserve an answer… I feel bad about that, but it’s also not my job to educate every single person about service dog training. My service dog is retired now due to getting older, and I’ve started getting nasty looks from people again as I’m adjusting to existing in the world without her. Usually when I park in the handicap spot… even though I have a state issued placard from the DMV and my medical issues are real. I have stacks of documents proving it. I think the desire to be believed might be a validation seeking thing… but it never goes away because there are always new strangers. I also had to literally prove myself and the legitimacy of my medical issues in a court case against the person who ran into me with their car. My brain was still developing when it happened, and then it was seriously injured… so I think there are some strong neural pathways related to proving myself and not feeling safe. The car insurance company we were suing was aggressive and tried to challenge my credibility. It’s their job, but still hurt because they were attacking me personally. I became obsessed and paranoid about my medical records. Worried if I said the wrong thing, I wouldn’t win the case or be able to pay off the stacks of medical debt that came from the accident and recovery. I became obsessed with safety, and never felt safe- in the world, in my body, etc. We won the case, but the money didn’t go very far. That’s a story for another time. I applied for disability benefits a few years ago when things were bad, and gave up after they denied it the 1st time. I’ve heard they commonly deny the 1st app, but I didn’t have it in me to jump through hoops to prove myself to yet another entity. It seems like I’ll never be able to fully prove myself and feel relief. I have regret for how all of these feelings built up to me completely shutting down and being unwelcoming to anyone and everyone. My personality changed… to the point my doctor thought I had a personality disorder. I was angry at the world for years. Why me? It’s all so unfair. I was seriously hurt by a careless driver 10yrs ago, and have been suffering ever since. It’s not enough that I’m forever physically injured, have permanent medical issues, and I’m in debt. I’m also being socially tortured, questioned, shamed… I just want to live in peace. I want to be left alone unless it’s a mutual connection. This injury created a metaphorical gaping wound that never healed and gives people access to my most vulnerable parts. I just want to be treated with basic respect and kindness. I want to be believed. Why don’t people believe me? Why do I care if they do?!😵‍💫

Last night, my boyfriend said that with how often I tell him I'm having thoughts of not loving him he's starting to believe it too sometimes. He even wondered if some space would be helpful, and when he asked me if I'd ever thought about that I couldn't say no. I got home from my trip to see family in Sweden and my flight was delayed for 5 hours. I'd had a stressful day and typically I would worry about it, but I didn't. Not much at least. And during our conversation TYPICALLY I would be very emotional and crying. But I wasn't. Which makes me believe that I actually don't love him and don't want to be with him. I wasn't certain of my feelings and whether I wanted space or not. In the back of my mind and heart I don't want space. I want to be with him. But then my feelings (or lack thereof) contradict that. After nearly 3 weeks apart in which my issues got so so bad, I can't do so many things anymore. I can't visualize his face, I can't feel happy when he sends me cute things, when he tells me he got me a gift, when I think about him I don't feel excited. Outside of our relationship I also feel numb to many things, but the focus is definitely on him/us. I wasn't excited about getting home, but not necessarily depressed about leaving either. I barely greeted my dog that I usually love so much. Everything feels so disconnected from me, I even feel disconnected from me. The only thing that I truly want when I'm in a very anxious/depressed state is to be in my boyfriend's arms but I can't feel love for him. It's so so so difficult. During/after that conversation last night, I did slightly come to my senses and said he was mine and I loved him. And when I woke up today, I felt kind of neutral but it's slowly getting more to the state of numb.

I frequently keep myself up at night thinking of all the worst things about him, like him cheating on me, and who he would do it with. During these sleepless nights, I’ve done things like make excel documents keeping track of his followers, and who he’s following, even when I know he’s committed to me. I know he cares for me, and when he isn’t alone, I’m the one he spends most of his time with. He’s also shown no sign of cheating or even wanting to cheat. Sometimes I can manage these thoughts by repeating his reassuring words to me in my head over and over, but most of the time it doesn’t work. He’s also been actively trying to get better for me and I can see it. He hates to see me hurt, and me getting caught up in my thoughts doesn’t help. I want to get better for him too, so I can be a better partner who can be there for him.

I have been struggling for a very long time with what could be OCD. I haven’t gotten fully diagnosed yet because everywhere has been full. But here is my story: I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and one month, and he is the best person I’ve ever dated. I love him extremely and we have the best time together, we have similar values, we’re best friends, all of the good things. We went long distance roughly 8 months into our relationship for about four months, and then he moved back. From August until now, I have had growing doubts about our relationship beginning when I didn’t have huge honeymoon-y feelings when I saw him for the first time after a while. Ever since then I have had intrusive thoughts like what if I’m not actually having fun with him? What if we’re not meant for each other? And like in moments of intimacy I will question if I’m actually enjoying anything and what if I’m actually gay. I have felt attraction to girls before in my life but I’ve never dated any, and I absolutely enjoy sexual things with my boyfriend, I think I just resort to black and white thinking. Anyway, all of these thoughts have gotten to me so bad that there have been three several-day periods over the past two months where I can barely eat and barely sleep because I am so anxious and I feel like breaking up is the only thing I can do. A lot of other people who aren’t familiar with OCD are like “well you shouldn’t feel this way so maybe it’s time to break up”. It absolutely breaks my heart because I love him and I don’t feel like I’m missing out in life and our relationship doesn’t have any problems, I just am exhausted of feeling the way I feel and I hate having to break his heart telling him I’m having these thoughts. I also now get super anxious to see him until the thoughts and feelings just subside and get better on their own. Like right now I’m in a phase where I don’t want to see or talk to him because I’m afraid of being more anxious. I just want help differentiating between if breaking up is actually what I need or if another plan of action would be better, or if anyone else has been through something like this before. I appreciate it so much. I hate to keep adding stuff but I feel like now after sitting with these thoughts for so long it just feels like maybe we aren’t compatible and that I would just feel better if we broke up. But because I’ve been going in and out of feeling this way and we’ve had so much fun together, I really don’t want to give in. I just feel SO AWFUL. Does ROCD make people cry all the time and make people constantly have a pit in their stomach? Like I have never felt this awful in my life and peoples first thing is to say that means the relationship isn’t right which makes me want to give up.

18+ UPDATE: This is my first post of the day so please take that context in mind... I'm genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... ive been holding in the compulsions today all day... but right now its genuinely terrifying me... i have a girlfriend now and i dont want to lose her... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless... And its all my fault... All of it...

So much of my anxiety sometimes centers around really ambiguous worries, my therapist noted that these anxities all have to do with my own sense of identity and a general fear about "saying" or "claiming" things that I can't know are fully true. I found myself today watching a romance show and I just found myself being like "I will never have this" because my ocd makes it so hard for me to date, Im so stressed about intimacy and stuff more specifically I don't know/cant tell what it means to be attracted? And it's a lot more about that abstract feeling of "what is attraction? What does it mean to like someone else?". And then this kind of becomes a broader "is this even ocd? Its too abstract to be ocd". This goes into a lot of my individual identities as a mixed person (am I a person of color?), a queer person (am I a lesbian or just bi? Do I even like men? What does that even mean?) , adhd/autism (i was diagnosed with these things but what if the doctor was just wrong? What is a diagnosis? What does it mean to "have" something?... ) I think its a lot about "being wrong" and the way in which a narrative is told... i get a lot anxiety that I am not being genuine or right. This is really hard for me to write about because I have no idea how to actually formalize my thoughts on this. Its also hard to find resources because I can't tell if this is an existential thing, general anxiety, a mix of things (so ocd, rocd, ect)... but I feel like this has to be a common thought process? Its just so pervasive and its so many things with that underlying current of "being wrong" about a subjective thing that can never be right/aspect of identity/abstract feeling?