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I wish I didn’t have this disorder it lost the will to live I don’t want to do it anymore my life is too hard to fix

As we all know having anxiety is annoying because you could be completely relaxed and then all of a sudden your mind goes “boom” and you start feeling a sense of unease and panic. I ended up falling asleep and woke up the next morning feeling okay , and then around 2pm I had the thought “I want to kill myself” I ignored it because that’s something I don’t want to do. I have no desire to , and I’ve never struggled with thoughts of suicide, but then I had the thought again , and again and again and again. My body started shaking , and I knew it was my friend OCD coming in with another theme to scare the shit out of me. At first I gave into some compulsions to alleviate the thought , but I knew it would come back regardless so I decided to clean up, go for a walk and eat some food. I had to treat the thought as just that. A thought. Although my brain compulsively tried to search for reasons as to why the thought was valid aka (mental compulsions) I still knew deep down it was not something I wanted to do. It wasn’t linear. Mind you this was all happening in one day. It’s exhausting dealing with this disorder most days. Thankfully some of my anxiety behind the thought subsided and I think it’s because I didn’t take it seriously. As someone who is deeply afraid of death why the fuck would I want to cause it myself.

i hate starting with a new therapist. i obsess over my trauma and then when it’s time to go to therapy it’s almost unbearable to talk about. last therapy session was on friday and was my first ever appt with this therapist, found her through my job’s employee assistance program. i was telling her how i feel like a bad person and sometimes have suicidal thoughts. she was not warm or reassuring. she asked me how i would do the deed and i explained to her and she did not say much at all. i left the session feeling worse. i have another appt at 3 today and the roads are icy and i’m just dreading it. and if i cancel i will feel like an irresponsible piece of shit. i already told her so much so i feel like i need to keep going. but im depressed and it is so hard for me to think about leaving my house. what do i do?

Are any of your intrusive thoughts just constant? Like I’m latched on to the sucididal ocd and every time I do something to distract myself or continue working it’s always just lingering there 🥺

I was doing okay, but reading someone’s post really triggered me because they were talking about how they wanted to end their life. It scared me and I’ve just been anxious about it. Would this count as an ERP exercise I guess since it is exposing myself to the problem? They were saying how they don’t want to deal with their OCD and then it made me go like is that how I am feeling but i love my life i love my friend’s and family and I am having trouble trying to figure out how to not ruminate and just sitting with the anxiety of it. Any tips please?

I’ve been dealing with OCD for quite some time, and have had plenty of themes come and go. Some lasting years and some months. I have three major themes that still haunt me. They’re this constant dread of death, my moral dilemma of if I’m a good person, and recently my gender identity as a man. They all tie into each other and I more or less look at them as evolved forms of “conquered” themes. Like my self harm, Sexual Orientation, and pedophilic/assault themes. Death is a hard thing to accept though and I no longer have too many intrusive about harming myself or others for that matter because I’m constantly afraid of death. I don’t feel like a good person for my constant compulsions and compulsive behavior. I feel weak to them. I give in to my constant googling and forum browsing. I know for a fact I ask for reassurance constantly. I question my own sexuality and gender identity quite often because I’m not sure if I’m a good man and how could I prove that I am? I have a lot of compulsive regrettable and more importantly unproductive sexual encounters to make me feel like 1. I’m not gonna die 2. I can do something with my life that isn’t destructive 3. I’m a man doing my duty. Now for the gender identity portion of this I wanna make it clean that I love people from the LGBTQ+ community and support them 1000% but I feel like I’m a horrible person for being anxious and uncomfortable with these thoughts because nothing’s wrong with being gay or trans y’know?It’s either what if I’m in denial or what if I’m being too feminine y’know the whole “what ifs” thing? I don’t wanna die, I wanna be a good person. I am genuinely just scared, I just wanna live and not have the noise so loud. I mean I have panic attacks constantly. I try not to ruminate but it’s an ugly battle. It seems to me that my OCD flares up moth to month like I’ll have a good month of manageable intrusive thoughts but then the next moth I just decay. You know how many times I’ve scanned my mind just to find proof for and against all these themes? I’m sure some people can relate. OCD has made my life so isolated and I hate myself for that. I’m sorry for all the words, I’m just a mess right now. If you read this far I appreciate you so much.

I have no feelings anymore. The only things I can feel Is anxiety and depression. I'm never Happy, i'm miserable all the time. Nobody cares, nobody understand. My therapist pretty much gave up on me. Why should I continue to live like this?

I can’t find anyone that can help me and I feel hopeless

I deal with fear of death now and in this pain i noticed, suicidal ocd is there too. Christians just say dont be afraid of death cause im heaven everything will be better, you will be with Jesus, and they say dont be afraid of leaving your loved ones cause God will take care of them... When i dealt with suicidal ocd, what made me feel good was that i knew i will not do it cause i love me family and i dont want them to suffer, and i developed more respect for this life so when i hear "In heaven everything will be better" triggers me with fear and anger. Cause when i dealt with suicidal ocd, it gave me thoughts like "do it cause you will go to heaven, you will escape from the pain, you will be with Jesus, He will forgive you"... the last part got triggered in me when i heard that suicide is not an unforgivable sin, so you might go to heaven, so thats like you choose the easy way out and you still go to heaven... then the one thing that helped me was that im not in danger cause i wont do it cause i love my family and they wouldnt be able to go through that(this is still suicidal ocd, just saying i didnt planned or something) and then i read to lose the fear of death, and leaving your family with pain you have to know that God will be there with them, bumm this hit me again, so now this contradicts it, in one they say dont do it cause its painful to your family, and the other side they say dont be afraid of death cause God is with your family... everytime i try to work on my fear of death and suffering, my fear of suicide grows... Im afraid that when i will be in so much pain, i will get hit by these thoughts that in heaven we wont suffer, do it cause you will get there, God will protect your family from pain"... i just cant lose these fear, at this moment im dealing with the fear of suffering and death... fear of pain and everything horrible but the things i find on the net that should help me grows suicidal ocd... this is a reaccuring cycle

does anyone ever feel really guilty about having thoughts of offing yourself. i try to not let it get to me. but if im sitting with my family i feel so guilty even though im not going to do it. i’ve had such immense anxiety in the past from it and i ran to my mom in the middle of the night and made her sleep with me because i was so scared. i feel like now when i don’t go to them and don’t tell them how im feeling i feel like i don’t care anymore and im not anxious and that causes me even more anxiety. i have the thoughts of am i happy? do i want to die? and what if i did this? omg you just thought that you’re suicidal. you want to die. and i freak out and i feel so alone because i feel like if i go to my parents for reassurance again the cycle will get worse but if i don’t go to my parents about it my ocd tells me that im just accepting the fact im going to do it now because im not seeking reassurance. i always have these thoughts that oh you’re just using ocd as a way to cope w the fact youre suicidal and i don’t know what is real and what isn’t someone help.

Please someone help me i dont want to leave my bed i feel so worthless. I hate my life so much i really do. After what happened last night (my setback) i feel absolutely haunted with my thoughts flooding in. I wonder what is the point in living anymore.

Hello I am a 27 year old male who has battling with very aggressive intrusive thoughts, it is not letting me sleep or not letting me live my everyday life because I feel as if I could hurt myself or someone else, can someone please help me out, ever since I got the flu I haven’t been the same, I was rushed to the emergency room thinking I was going to have a heart attack, they just pumped me with Ativan and gave me a prescription, but I’m also a very heavy drinker at night, and when I drink heavy and wake up the next day, I have uncontrollable thoughts and anxiety all day! Someone please help me!

i keep getting thoughts of molesting/ doing sexual things to people (that i’m close to) and children, every-time this happens I extremely disturbed and have panic attacks bc i’m a horrible person. i’m honestly just contemplating just k*lling myself because i feel like a disgusting p3do who doesn’t deserve anything in life. i’m already diagnosed with anxiety and depression but i’m not sure if this is OCD or not. i hate my self so much- this thoughts won’t stop happening and i never want to do anything like that ever. :/. i’m not sure what to do, i’ve talked to my therapist but none of her methods worked on how to stop these thoughts.

I know there is something wrong with me. Maybe it’s because of expose at an early age to mature content or maybe it’s undiagnosed hyper sexuality I think I’ve had for a while. Maybe I should unalive before I hurt someone. I’m addicted to fanfiction and my phone and I have been for a long time. I at a very early age knew everything to do with s*x and BDSM and kinks of all nature and nothing ever phased me really. I myself was an online victim of a p* but I led everything, he just never declined. “Vanilla” became boring in a way, a way I now know has led me here. I read fanfiction and things sexual with underage people, I thought oh there’s no harm because is just fiction and not real life and if stuff like that exists on the website and is able to be written maybe i can treat it separately from real life. But what if I am a p* for reading etc? I’m spiralling because I seen the comments under one of those stories and 1/4 were death threats, 1/4 are disgusting comments and the rest were neutral. I suspect I have C-ptsd, autism and adhd which all worked together in a very unhealthy tandem to led me to this. All I can feel is disgust and shame and the desire to end it. I don’t really know why I made this post or what anyone can say really but I’m sorry.

I stopped taking meds about 3 weeks now and i didnt had any problem, and after 3 weeks just randomly a huge setback hitted me. I didnt had this bad setback while i was taking the meds, but before i was taking it, i felt this many times, and im afraid its not just ocd. A huge feeling of i want to cry comes and i cant handle any problem cause it makes me emotional. Im afraid it was a bad idea, i dont even sleeo well... if its really the medication then im scared to start to take again cause its beem 3 weeks now, and also when i started taking it i had really bad side effects. Idk what to think cause many times i didnt took the medication as i should cause i forgot it, i was really bad at it so thats the other reason i stopped, but everytime i stopped taking it for some days, i just noticed a minor setback. Now that i stopped taking it i didnt wanted to give attention to that cause i was afraid and i knew if i do then i will say to every little bad feeling that its because of that and i will be obsessed. So 2 weeks passed and i completely forgot about that and i didnt had any bigger problem, until i just remembered that i dont take it and i feel okay, its just made me happy. Then things got upside down really quick, i started feeling low, i was really negative and slowly i started to be weaker and weaker until i just got where i am now. I do notice i spin in my head alot of times, and i cand decide what is the good thing i should do, even in recovery, i say okay i ignore that feeling now, imediatelly i think "but thats important, if you sweep it it will come back worse, you should deal with it" and many times when these are getting worse i get angry at myself. This night i couldnt sleep well and i was so emotional. My dad said something negative to me that made me spin what should i do, should i move, people say i need to stay away from negative people but i dont want to move to live alone... and this made me feel bad too. Im so emotional right now, and i feel guilt cause im might be here cause i stopped taking medication... and if its that and im like this without meds, then idk how i will ever fully stop it, this is scary... also at night in the mids of the painful feeling and guilt, i had again a sucidal ocd experiment, i learned to not give into it, and i can see the lie, i could see it now too, it just it was so agressive because i wanted the pain to go away but not like that, but still my brain came up with it, i know its ocd im just afraid if this gets worse i will not be able to tell it cause it was still really agressive and strong. I keep thinking "i felt like this before i took medication, that means im back there, i cant do this without meds" and this breaks me...

NOCD doesn’t accept Medicaid in NC.. I feel helpless. I have nothing, no job.. no money that can afford this therapy and I really made myself vulnerable to the sweetest woman just listening to me cry about my OCD and how it effects my life.. Just to be told that I’m not able to be helped. This is probably why my parents pretended I didn’t have mental issues, we just couldn’t afford it. ..I can’t afford anything. Even my life.

when I was 13 I dealt with what I now know is suicide OCD. In the fall of 2020 my brain started to become completely flooded with thoughts and urges, hurting myself and graphic images that completely Messed with my life. It was so bad that I was throwing up every day, having panic attacks constantly, and having meltdowns in my room while my parents were trying to console me. I ended up completely failing my freshman year of high school. My brain was plagued with those thoughts 24/7, even when I was asleep. I truly thought that it was only a matter of time before I ended up taking my own life. I was never actually suicidal, but, since the thoughts were so prevalent, I thought that I truly did want to do take my life. For the entirety of October through January I was completely debilitated and I couldn’t do anything. My only way of coping was playing video games and I got so bad that I ended up spending 3000 hours in the span of four months playing on my computer. After a while it truly thought my life was over until I decided to research what was wrong with me. I found out what was going on and I learned that it was OCD. When I first learned that I was terrified because I didn’t know that truly meant. Once I did even more research, I learned that my thoughts are just thoughts, and it wasn’t how I truly felt, I learned that accepting my thoughts and accepting the fact that I have OCD would actually help me overcome everything. Deep down inside, I knew that since I was reacting so strongly to these thoughts, I truly wanted to live. with the help of therapy, medication, meditation, and hard work I was able to get better. I am a senior in high school now and I’m in a place that I never thought I would make it to. Even though the thoughts come back from time to time, it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to and i’m able to deal with them in healthy ways. You can get through this. Its going to take a lot of hard work but you can get through it.

What to do? So now my mother is refusing my OCD therapy, despite it's chronic from where it has been untreated so long. Not to mention its causes heart attacks and panic attacks and mental breakdowns. She's puts pressure on me. No Idea why I'm here? And why she even adopted me at all? For this? This is bs. The treatment I am getting. Not to mention when I admitted needing help, seeing doctors and getting treatment. Dakira then desides she does as well, I'm like okay, take me Seriously, this isn't fun, or, funny at all, I am on the edge of going so insane. My therapist thank goodness changed my appointment from 29th to the 16th and she acts as if this isn't something to care about...I'm done she can neglect me like she has been most all my life. But, to avoid my appointment schedule and important mental assessment artenuary is another. This is important to me, my health and my mental state of being, of that doesn't matter to her, I will call 911 and we can settle this in a court room. They will see my missed appointment and if I go off well, easy, she should have took me to my appointment,bout to ask to see if a friend can. This whole thing, her lack of support isn't safe on my end, I don't feel safe. Normally I don't talk at all, that's me .but, this is to much pressure. I'm about to go nuts Not only this, but I need meds and a better lifestyle than my living style now. I don't feel safe at all, she doesn't even know what OCD is and why people have it, say I don't clean? Yeah, because she doesn't give me my money enough to clean and doesn't understand noone can offord this mental illness. She doesn't get it's a struggle, doesn't try to help. She just sits on her ass watching TV and doing other things, not even asking, "Do you jeed anything?" I never cross her mind, she doesn't even get it, I fear my son's safety as he may have this as well, as for him I know he's safe since he is small it's easier to catch it and treat it. But, to do this, to love this way chronic with no medication is doing me in mentally and physically. It's too much to handle. So if I go nuts, it's not My fault.

I read multiple articles on false memory ocd an now I’m confused. I actually thought that false memory ocd is marked by things that are actually completely fabricated by the brain. But I keep seeing things like „an event that may or may not have happened“, does this mean that it could actually be true? Are there any ways how to find out if what you’re going through is real if it’s an actual bad act? Because for me I have been completely focused on false memory ocd lately and while I was ruminating on another one, I suddenly got an image of sth even worse that could maybe be like 7 or 8 months ago. I never remembered this happening and for months I’ve been convinced I had never hurt anybody but then I got this image. I instantly also thought that this didn’t happen and that I would definitely remember if it had happened because it’s actually horrible and it’s not just something you would quickly do and then completely forget, it’s an actual entire act. And I never was close to that person. But I keep being like „but what if I listened to my intrusive thoughts? But I can’t remember doing that and I even have posts on here from around that time saying I was too afraid of that person and that I would never ever listen to my intrusive thoughts… but what if I tried to get rid of my ocd theme by doing this? Nah that’s not what I would do and I know that… I’ve never done any harmful things just to get rid of this theme this is stupid“ etc etc. Like I keep fearing I might’ve done this and done it for various reasons. But I can’t actually remember doing it. All those scenarios feel like they’re just imaginations. But I can’t let go of it. And usually for memories it’s that with time you start to be able to puzzle it all together trough evidence and u don’t forget bad things you’ve done. For example, I know that like a year ago I pushed my sister while I was having an argument with her. I remember everything from then because in my entire life I’ve barely ever done anything to others and so I usually remember those events almost 100% perfectly. I also remember sth from almost 10 years ago in which I called one of my friends (and ik this is bad, that’s why I remember it) fat. I lost a few details but I still remember what exactly I did and that the exact same day I called the parents and apologised bc I felt bad. But for this scenario, I’ve been ruminating on it for TWENTY days and I’m still in the doubting stage. I have spent hours ruminating by now and I still don’t have any actual memories back, just things like „but what if I was mad and then just did this and instantly forgot about it?“ and all this. But not an actual full scenario of me doing this even though it could only be a few months away. Idk what To do, I can’t continue living with the uncertainty. If it’s real, then I won’t even continue living. People like these are terrible and disgusting and don’t deserve living and everybody can agree on that.

Hi yall!! The past week for me has been needless to say… very interesting. My doctor and I decided I would stop taking Lexapro after 3-4 years and switch me to Prozac as it has more research backing OCD relief. To be clear, I did experience remission on Lexapro, however I thought I didn’t need it anymore and decided to cold turkey!!! Great decision.. not! I completely relapsed and for the past year have been about 50/50. So while I thought I was weaning off lexapro and getting on Prozac I actually was weaning off lexapro and taking Paxil everyday. I caught this on my own because I questioned the generic name of the drug.. double check your pill bottles!!! Long story short I got that wrong righted and am a week into weaning off Paxil and onto Prozac. This past week has been very tough for me mentally, a lot of suicidally themed OCD. I keep thinking about dying, having thoughts like “kill yourself” but I know it’s not how I actually feel. I don’t wanna die.. this life is all we have. Why would I wanna do that? I get so confused though and because of the OCD I typically experience depression which fuels that fire a million times over… You might ask why I’m writing this? I’m writing this for those also suffering with a similar theme. We need to be doing our exposures for 1 hour daily, we wont get relief if we don’t. ERP helped me when I did it, but then I didn’t think I needed it anymore and eventually stopped. With that and medication, a healthy lifestyle and overall GOOD supportive people around you… it’s possible to experience full remission and put OCD in the backseat of your life. When I get back to full remission I will make sure to come back to this post and encourage all of us suffering. OCD truly is the worst. Have a good Saturday yall, even if I don’t know you I love you as a human being. ☺️