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i'm going to lose my life one day to this illness i never asked for. it could've been beautiful.

it’s always like this. I get to talk to someone, we chat, then stop chatting or get very slow replies. but I can’t complain when I said that if I don’t reply, I’m busy or dealing with stuff. everyone has their life & no one is obligated to reply to me. I have learned that I really am just alone. I don’t want to force anyone or be obsessed. this goes for online friends. I only have 4. but they haven’t replied to me in days/weeks/months maybe. honestly, this has helped me not becoming dependent and wait for a reply like I used to. I would go on worrying for a while if someone wouldn’t reply for a certain time. I wouldn’t tell them ofc but I would become anxious. as for real life, I guess I can say 1. maybe 2 but one of them was a friend from elementary and we only met up once after sophomore year of high school. we’re now in college (actually, she graduated already) & have met up with her that day. we updated each other on our lives. it was nice, but I don’t think it was the same ‘best friend’ friendship we had as kids/teens. we don’t talk anymore. (only if I view her stories on instagram and say something) the other one I could say is half online/half real life. I met him online and we met irl a month in. he’s a good guy and honestly the first person that I like as a friend. someone I can trust, I guess. not fully, but definitely can be a lot of myself around. he’s been busy with life as well. he’s not obligated to reply to me. this one, I rlly like talking to but again, life happens. so I stopped being ‘excited’ for a response. in the end, it’s just me. my pain and myself. if I can’t make any friends irl (or maybe new friends online)(don’t get me wrong, I like the 4 online friends I have. they’re dear to me. they are just busy) at the end of this year during school, I will just give up. I tried before in my previous semester but it never happened. I am just going to accept my solitude. all I want now is either to not be here (sometimes), get a bike and ride by myself, or I don’t know. I don’t find anything appealing at the moment. sometimes there will be a spark but it goes out quickly. I genuinely do not see a happy life in the future. even after I told my dad of a ‘plan’ I had to retire early and keep learning in college to feed my curiosity, I just think maybe I’m not fit for living. I’m just tired. I try. I don’t find joy in many things anymore. it’s just not interesting. I just want to crawl up in my bed (as I am now) and move to a different place. I just want peace. will it be death that I find peace? or maybe living by a lake? who knows. life needs to let me rest.

Im new to this community but i am relieved that I've found a place to openly talk about what I've been going through. Last year i felt like i was in a good place with my mental health and then i got an eviction notice and i went into a spiral. Since then ny depression is constant, i have so many random pains in my body and i /constantly/ have the urge to rip into my skin. I'm not sure when it started or how it got so severe but I've had to move in with family to avoid being alone at home and hurting myself. It got to the point where i wanted to cut into my wrists and not just little cuts but deeply and the urge comes on almost every second of the day; i have to scratch them excessively just to feel the slightest relief. I feel so uncomfortable in my body, it's triggered by my dysphoria, my fear of contamination, and now it's just the automatic response to when i feel the slightest but uncomfortable or anxious. It would be interesting to know if anyone else experiences something similar and how they cope? Have you told anyone you cam trust?

Sorry i keep making posts about this, i cant go to my therapist until next week cause he is on vacation now. Im so scared right now. I watched videos all day about suicidal intrusive thoughts and i tried to welcome the intrusive thought as just a thought and let it go, but when i put the fighting down and welcomed it it made me feel happy or comforted. Like you know people say those are in danger who feel comforted by suicidal thoughts. And i felt that in the past too. I feel more like my fear and shame is what makes me lie to myself. The thought made me feel good... i feel so bad about it now. I know i shouldnt beat myself over this but what to do now? I feel like this might be a danger... lying isnt help me cause it made me feel how it made me feel i cant lie about that... i feel so shameful about this. I shouldnt be i know but in my mind i just want to know that im safe and not actually suicidal but i feel bad cause its not true tho...

I struggle with suicidal intrusive thoughts (not suicidal ocd) and im on my journey, but shame is really hard to deal with, with ocd i avoided this shame cause i knew people with ocd dont actually want the thoughts, but now shame comes and says "because its not ocd, you are in danger of hurting yourself or people around you." And i feel so bad cause i love people around me and i would be so depressed if i would do something to them. I tried to not feed this but then the fear of getting sended to a mental hospital came up. Cause people go there who might be dangerous to others. I dont want to go there but i also feel shame that i dont want to go there and im dangerous to others... so its a never ending loop. One thing i know is that you have to face fear. But facing my fear would be going to a mental hospital and face shame. Go and stay there to face this fear... Should we expose ourself to all our fear? I dont know if i should listen to my feelings cause if i dont go, i feel like im a bad person, im avoiding to deal with my problem. But i know many could go through this without going to a mental hospital

Exactly a year ago, I was in a plane and we hit turbulence. People were scared and I was hoping for the plane to crash because I didn’t want to live anymore. I thought about suicide but was scared to do it because “what if I regret it last second” so I was hoping to get in some kind of accident so I wouldn’t have to make a decision and my family wouldn’t have to live with the guilt of me committing suicide and them thinking they could’ve done something about it. I was struggling bad with all kinds of OCD themes but the main one was SOCD. It started in my 30’s – hindsight I had OCD tendencies growing up (never about my sexuality), but they would come and go and they were manageable. The SOCD turned into fear of going crazy because my thoughts wouldn’t make sense. I kept trying to figure it out by googling, reviewing memories with past girlfriends and girls I hooked up with to see if I was pretending, if what happened was real genuine feelings of mine. I would find relief knowing they were and be back to myself but as we know, I just kept feeding the monster. I required more digging mentally, the same reviews wouldn’t scratch the itch. It got to the point where I would review memories and google 24/7. I was sleeping 2-3 hours a day, I was in the verge of quitting my job because I couldn’t think of anything else. I was avoiding. I couldn’t watch TV or sports or hangout with my friends. I couldn’t be around people. Even male cartoons in video games would trigger me, so stopped playing them. I would only leave my house to go grocery shopping basically. If I had to do something social, I’d rely on a specific drug and developed substance abuse. Because my thoughts wouldn’t make sense and couldn’t figure out if I was turning gay or not and if my entire life had been a lie then I thought I was going crazy, which triggered other type of compulsions around my health. I also got diagnosed with Crohns right around the time my OCD ramped up. Then I thought I had a demon, even though I drifted away from religion many years ago, because I couldn’t explain or find out what was happening to me. The spiritual contamination triggered another wave of compulsions. Long story short, I was home bound, constantly longing for a previous version of myself and contemplating suicide, doing tons of compulsions just to get back at that old me, just to go back to a time where those thoughts didn’t exist. I was having numerous panic attacks where I thought I was going to die. It was hell. Luckily, I found NOCD through all my research (the one time it actually paid off). When I read the SOCD article on the NOCD site, I couldn’t believe it. It was almost as if I wrote the article. Then I started ERP, I was so excited I had found a ”cure.” Yeah, right, that shit was so scary. I thought ERP would turn me gay. (I can’t believe I’m typing the word GAY without a panic attack!). ERP was extremely difficult but worth every penny. It’s the most important thing I’ve ever done for myself. I’m still working on it. It’s not easy, but I have my life back! I have anxiety from time to time, but it’s nowhere close to what it was. I allow my to be anxious. I don’t run from it. I let it be and it hues away. I now have more positive experiences in my life now, before the net was negative. Overtime was that balance shifted into, “Hey, I actually enjoy living.” Will I continue to get better? Maybe, maybe not. Will I turn gay? Maybe maybe not. It’s not that scary now. I wouldn’t like to turn gay but if it did happen, I’ve also worked on unconditional acceptance. If “my worst case scenario” came true, I’d still love myself and most of the close people around me would love me too. And if they didn’t, I wouldn’t want to be close to them anyway for being homophobic. I realized ERP also helped me break down a lot of homophobia I had from societal and cultural influences growing up. I’m very happy now with my life. I get weird thoughts every now and then, but I just don’t figure them out and I show them irrelevancy by exposing myself to my “fear.” So yeah, you can do it! You can get better! P.S. GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY

I know it’s pitiful for me asking for help but idk what to do. Ever since I did something bad like a few months ago (check my recent post for backstory!if you want) I felt so much guilt and then started looking back at my past and feeling guilty about that stuff then I started thinking what if I s@d my 4yr old cousin or 2 yr old cousin and it feels real like it actually happened like I actually remember it but I can’t remember it if that makes sense and I’ve never been diagnosed with ocd which makes it scarier I’m starting to think I did do that I mean the thought feels like it’s on the tip of my nose if I keep searching it’ll appear in my memory. I felt so much guilt and fear of what will happen if it turned out true I tried to commit by doing 0v3rd0se but it only made my memory fuzzy of what happened when I was overdosing and it made my guilt worse cause my cousins were over and my thoughts amplified since I barely remember what happened my mind told me I probably s@d them when I was overdosing (this was yesterday) and it sucks cause I can’t ask my baby cousins if I did or not they probably don’t remember at all or even thought it was bad what if I traumatized them what if they commit cocsa because of me I’m a monster.

I dont want to put this on the suicidal ocd subtype cause it might not be that idk... this whole 2 years i felt really good, i could say that these were almost my best years, i was viewing all this as ocd and i was avoiding the fear so it didnt beaten me down. I didnt realized all this was compulsion tho, i was compulsively avoiding my emotions and intrusive thoughts. I did acknowledged them but i avoided to work with them or think about them, or let then fully be cause then it wouldve make me stuck. However life happens, and i got depressed because of an event that happened. I accepted it. The sadness wasnt a problem, i had problem with stress and physical symptoms that made me feel afraid that somrthing wrong will happen to my health. After time it crushed me and i developed panic attacks. Today i struggled. But i let all be. I let all the thoughts and feelings be. And then i started having thoughts that i really dont like. Just randomly a thought popped up "the world is bad" that made me depressed. I dont want to accept that this is what i believe, cause its just popped up when i felt low... But i accepted it and the more i accepted the bad thoughts to come, the more it lead me to the suicidal intrusive thoughts. These arent thoughts that i want, i experience great distress and panic that i will act on them. This is why i dont want to deal with these. Im so afraid that i will act on them. In the past i know i had them so agressively that i thought its just moments and i will act on it cause of the high emotions(not like wanted to,like losing control). This is so hard to deal with...its not ocd but also im afraid of them and i cant face them... But bc its not ocd im questioning if i will need someone to stay with me when im facing these problems cause i will be dangerous... also i did had killing thoughts too that i was so afraid of. And these thought made feel so much shame that it streghtened the suicidal thoughts, which made me also afraid that im in danger of hurting myself. This will be really hard to face with. The feelings and the thoughts too. Just facing all the depressive thoughts that i had and thinking "where it comes from" scares me cause im afraid it will lead me to a place where im actually want to kms... so if you have time please pray for me. I want to get better. This is really scary to me, i will need support. I just cant put this on the s-ocd group, but i wouldnt want to say that im suicidal either cause these thoughts are intrusive to me. I dont know where to put this cause every doctor says people with ideation want the thoughts and dont feel scared by them. So i will just be in the middle relating to neither... Im also not accepting that im suicidal, maybe its a compulsion but i dont want to... Thanks for reading this.

Hey all, I was recently diagnosed with OCD and MDD a few months ago. I’ve been experiencing symptoms for the past 11 months though. I used to be a person who would downplay depression, reasoning that if someone is depressed, they should be able to snap out of it. This year has taught me the truth behind how debilitating mental health conditions can be. My OCD has been absolutely tearing my life apart. For the past year, I’ve been coping with excessive guilt over past and recurring mistakes, my anxiety of which has recently been causing me panic attacks and throbbing headaches. I’ve also been coping with feeling unnatural sexual attractions, to those of the same sex and to children, which contradict the values I hold at heart. At one point, even simply shaking someone’s hand would cause sexual arousal, due to my hyper-vigilance surrounding physical contact. My OCD and depression nearly led me to take my life a few months ago. There are no words to describe the amount of pain I’ve had to endure. My thoughts and feelings have been absolutely tearing my life down, bit by bit. I feel like I lost who I was, and like it’s impossible for me to know who I am. This isn’t me. Over the past couple weeks, I’ve been feeling constant sexual arousal, it’s so easily triggered now. I don’t know if it’s because of the OCD, if it’s a result of the SSRI I’m on, or if it’s just a product of me being a young adult—Or maybe a combination of all of the above, but it’s debilitating. How easily I get aroused causes me so much guilt. There is a girl in my life that I love, but it doesn’t help that I get aroused around her because of the simplest of things. It’s not what I want for us. I want to be able to hone in on my self-control. I can’t help but constantly compare who I am now to who I was just over a year ago. My happiness has suffered, and my endurance is draining. I know there is a long road of insight and recovery ahead of me, this is just the beginning. If there’s anyone who can relate to me in any way, feel free to let me know. Comfort begins with feeling understood.

Every time i seem to get a hold of one thing my ocd is doing to me it comes back up in different ways and im so tired of it. I can’t keep living like this and i really feel so tired and done. First it was harm/suicide fixations and actions then it was intense sound sensitivity then it was touch sensitivity and now i’ve got a grip on all of those after MONTHS and now my depression has stemmed from my ocd and im ready to lose my mind or whatever is left of it. i just want to die bc its literally the only end all of this game. im exhausted.

can ANYONE see this post??? I don’t know if my posts keep getting removed or something because I still see them but don’t know if people can. if that’s true, then that sucks. but if people did see them & no one replied, I’m going to think I’m an actual evil person and will have to take action to game over myself. I don’t know if this post will be removed bc I tried to censor/reword what I wanna say. someone please, for fucks sake reply if u can see this. I feel like I’m going crazy

I went to therapy a year ago for 8 months with my suicidal ocd, and i stopped going because many reasons and i feel guilt cause i might have been really angry and waywarded, even if i accept it that i was like that its okay it doesnt help cause then i jump into "that means what she told me was real". So what she told me was that i have suicidal thoughts but i also have ocd, and this just made me crazy and this is one of the reason i left therapy. I was so depressed when she told me this cause i thought i am actually suicidal. Since a year this comes back everytime, that she was right, im maybe suicidal i was just so wayward and anxious that i didnt wanted to face the pain. It happened too many times now i even thinking about going to another therapist to ask what to do with this cause it makes me feel guilt and panic. Saying maybe maybe not doesnt helps cause i think "but if she was right this doesnt helps cause i keep avoiding the real problem and i not face with it". It is so hard to face it and say she was right tho... it makes me feel so bad to think that i actually have suicidal tendecy... I keep having these thoughts even after doing recovery work so i question if its really ocd...

Hey everyone. My mental health journey started last year when I developed OCD which I believe started in childhood. I have suicidal ocd with some relationship and existential mixed in. Last night I experienced my last bad panic attack due to derealization. I don’t have depression- I want to be here. But I’m so so tired of dealing with this. I’m scared that I’m “too far gone”. I don’t want to give up. I start IOP next week. Is there hope for me? need some positive thoughts

i wake up constantly in the middle of the night, and i just woke up and i feel so weird i genuinely can’t explain the feeling. i feel like im still sleeping and dreaming and that nobody will be able to see me or hear me, i feel like ive completely lost myself like i am not me and that im in someone else’s brain/body. i feel like nothing is real, i do experience a lot of dissociating but this doesn’t feel like that. i have thoughts that i leave my body and go to someone else’s, specifically that im my dad because my dad has a lot of mental health issues, and a lot of issues from doing so many drugs in the past, and he’ll go into phases randomly where he goes completely insane and says he hallucinates, he’ll say/do random stuff that doesn’t make sense to anyone else but to him he’s making perfect sense and i am terrified ill end up like him. or that i am him and ik this sounds so crazy. i feel like this isn’t even ocd anymore, it’s so exhausting and it’s a new feeling everyday that’s even scarier. all i can do is cry and sit here because i am genuinely so tired of this, i don’t even see a point anymore. i feel like ill never live a normal life ever, i can’t make friends, i have no friends to me honest, i can’t even feel close to my boyfriend because of all this, i don’t feel close to my family either. i don’t know what to do anymore but i am so tired of this.

I was diagnosed with harm OCD 1 year ago, it all started with a clear image of me killing my ex girdriend with a knife and it rapidly evolved to seeing imagens of myself killing random people etc I was doing therapy with a psychologist and a psychiatrist and taking sertraline but then i had some changes in my life and I stopped the therapy and the medication I was getting better, but last week I had a car crush it all started again, I think all the time about killing People, I allways have that strange sensation on my belly and on my back like an adrenaline rush or something when I have this e thoughts. I cry a lot when alone, I think about killing myself, I think in good moments and I feel bad about it, anxious etc. I don’t know what to do, I’m affraid to be alone. It’s crazy. I’m affraid of really being a serial killer or a psychopath or some pedofile IDK it is just crazy. I somebody experiencing the same ?

lately there’s just so much I think of when I’m at work. that I’m not good enough, I’m alone & separated from the rest of the staff, under appreciated, etc. I have a leadership role that’s a different branch from the rest of the other leaders & I feel alone in this. they get along fine because they are in a different branch of my job. The one I’m in is separate and doesn’t really need much attention compared to the main branches. I feel like I’m complaining and just need to suck it up. I have been already. I want to leave this job. many factors I can say I guess. first, my pay is slightly lower than a regular employee in the main branches (front of house mainly). then my pay after that fluctuates based on tips & if I get tips. I don’t want to wonder if I made less or more based on tips. (I’m not a server, I’m a delivery driver) I took the position as a leader bc I was promoted and it seemed cool at first but now I’m at my limit. it feels like that one extracurricular at school that barely gets funding and the school focuses on other ‘important’ parts. we have been told that delivery hours will increase (by 30 minutes) and that we need to be flexible to save delivery because business isn’t doing well in the branch. I get it’s summer and there’s not much flow but classes are beginning again and business will rise. we will need people. I am tired. many examples I can throw in but can’t seem to remember. we are short staffed and because I’m a leader, I feel like I have to be there & cover people to help the business. I don’t care for this fucking company. I first joined because I needed money. I took it & now I’m almost three years in. I heard it’s hard to find new jobs. so that’s why I haven’t looked/applied bc what if I don’t find one right now? I know it’s for business & marketing, but I had being associated with the company. hear me out. what I mean is that when people see the car’s design, they know it’s my company & they are like “omg!!” or sometimes say “where’s my food?” yk & I just gotta mask & go with whatever the fuck they’re saying. they only know me as the “[company name] delivery driver” I don’t want to be known as that. I want to make a name for myself. I want people to know ME. what I’m capable off. not a delivery driver at a disposable job. anyway, this past week I had no days off. (except sundays bc that’s when the whole place is closed). reasonable I guess because one person was hurt the day I came in and I said I could cover for them the next day so I don’t think I can complain. but there’s literally no one else who would’ve gone to take care of that shift. if I hadn’t stepped in, my supervisor would tell me to come in. he would ask, but you know with the pressure of being asked to come in. and I don’t want a bad look to me so I just did it. but I also care for the coworker and didn’t want her to worry about her shift, so I feel like I may be acting selfish right now. now I’m getting asked by another coworker if I can take his shift on friday (the only day I’m off). if I do, it would be the second week in a row that I work without a day off (except sundays). I feel like I can’t complain or be upset because I have at least Sunday to take off. but sundays are like cleaning/lazy days for me. (not really cleaning because I can never really get myself to) and then somehow false promises from work??? we are now required to use these ID cards to track our driving skills to see if we’re doing good. and that we would get incentives every quarter of the year if we’re doing good. the reason I’m saying false promises is because an ex-coworker, before he quit, said that one of the reasons he decided to leave was because apparently the incentives were never a thing according to a manager he asked. I will need to ask my supervisor about this because if it’s true, I won’t stand by it. there’s no way u can tell us this & then remove it. also, I’m tired of carrying this branch. I don’t care for the company really. my coworkers are cool people though. I have no beef with anybody. it’s a nice environment but I hate having to stay over my shift and come on days I’m off. not having enough people is not my job. I’m not the employer. all of this I’m dealing with a basic ass teen job. maybe it I actually had my shit together & knew what I wanted to do as a career, I wouldn’t be in this mess. but no, I had to engage in gambling, poor financial decisions and now dealing with two kittens. I love them though and can’t imagine giving them away. I’m just going through a rough patch. I keep telling myself that it’s temporary bc at times I get suicidal thoughts, either bc I want to end it or I feel like I need to & don’t want to. these come up randomly depending on how I’m feeling at the moment. then I have random spurts of “wanting to live a fulfilling life” & it goes back to square one again lol. it’s too much to put on here and I already wrote a lot so I’m sorry for the long post. I’m just trying to get by my day, every day. I told myself at work that what matters at the moment is that I’m here. I’m still here breathing. but it just sucks. everything sucks. well, not everything, but majority of the time it does. I am tired. I wanna stop working here!!!! but I have to complete my 3 years so it looks good on my resume. I am done with this company. it’s a good one, but I am NOT spending my precious time in the food industry anymore. it’s just fast food. I don’t care for it anymore. I just need the money. I’d rather spend my time and actually do some overtime on something I’m passionate about. not some fast food chain. end of rant.

Hey guys, I have taken just 1 pill of lexapro yesterday and I cannot sleep a lick. Is this Normal? Obviously not being able to sleep is causing me some anxiety of course. Still struggling to determine whether I am dealing with harm ocd or suicidal thoughts. Hopefully the meds and therapy can help.

All i ever do is lose. Just lose at fucking everything in life even though I beg to god that I can win at least one fucking thing. To be good at one fucking thing. To be excellent at one fucking thing. And I cant even do that. I cant even win at my video games. The smallest win I cant even get. Im in fucking hell. A hell where Im alone and theres no one to comfort me because they think im feeling sorry for myself. I hate my existence and my life so fucking bad. What am I sorry about my life for if all I want to is make the suffering stop? I constantly play, try to improve, but theres nothing I can do that makes me stand out. Nothing I can do that makes me worthy of anything. I hate this world, i hate god for hating me, and I hate myself. Hate myself for not being good enough for any goddamn thing. Im sick. Im fucking sick. Im sick of this. Im sick of me. Im sick of not being good enough at any fucking thing despite my efforts. Nothing I do matters. Nothing about me is special. Im so goddamn tired of it all... im damned to hell... or maybe im there... i dont fucking know.

Is there a point to living anymore

Hi everyone. I am currently on Luvox after being on Prozac (20-40mg) for the last 5 years. Prozac was no longer working for me so my doctor/therapist and I decided to switch SSRIs. With help from my primary care doctor, I tapered off of Prozac while tapering on to Luvox over the course of a few weeks. I am now off of Prozac and on 150mg of Luvox. I had a couple good weeks where there were more good days than bad, but recently I have felt more depressed, anxious, and in my head on 150mg of Luvox. The anxiety/Harm/Suicidal/Relationship/Pure OCD has been ramping up and it makes me feel a bit hopeless that I won’t get better. The mornings are hard when you feel like it’s just another day suffering through the ups and downs. If anyone can share their ideal Luvox dosage/medicine combo where they finally felt consistent relief from intrusive thoughts and rumination, I would be so appreciative. I know switching medicine and doing ERP is a long process, and I’ve only been in the thick of it for 5 weeks (6/29-8/2), but as I’m sure you can all understand, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel with this disorder. Any positivity, encouragement, advice, coping mechanisms/tools and success stories are appreciated!