Welcome to
the NOCD Community

How do I know if I didn’t actually like a thought? Because I feel like I actually genuinely liked it, like no question or anxiety or anything in the moment.

Hi, this is very long apologies lol ,I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD however Id like to share my story and questions, any advice appreciated!(I’m 23male, North of Ireland) In 2020 I started having thoughts about suicide etc however I never wanted to ever do it and had no reason to think like this, I have loving family/ friends/ my girlfriend at the time. When these thoughts would pop up it would trigger anxiety etc.. it was like part of my brain was arguing with the other,I eventually went to my doctor and was diagnosed with depression and put on citalopram(celexa). I had around a month of absolutely terrifying side effects, my thoughts about suicide became absolutely off the charts, I had my girlfriend sleep with me because I was scared I was going to kill myself. Even looking at my curtains would trigger me… throughout this time I never ever planned or consciously wanted to do such a thing. I spent basically 2 months locked in my room watching tiktok and sleeping..Eventually I levelled out and within 3/6 months I was back to normal life again and pretty much recovered having no intrusive thoughts. At this point I had never heard of OCD apart from the usual stereotypical “being clean” OCD. Fast forward 2 years of pretty consistent good mental health and normality for the most part. Last month I noticed that these crazy thoughts would slide into my mind about being a pedophile and over the next week would get worse and worse. I had a feeling my citalopram was becoming less effective so my dosage was upped, I think this triggered side effects again and caused me to completely fall apart and had the worst mental health episode I’ve had. My brain was fully trying convince my I was a pedophile and I stayed pretty much bed bound for over a month, I couldn’t work or socialise and even barely talk to my family, the shame was absolutely crippling I thought at a point I should just commit suicide because no one likes a pedophile and that even if I’m not, how can I live like this, it was insanity, and for a few hours a day I’d come around a little and realise I was being ridiculous. Most of the time I knew in myself that I’m obviously not a pedophile And the thoughts were absolutely abhorrent. This is also when I researched symptoms and found out about OCD and all of its different forms. This is where my question comes in. I didn’t think I had any compulsions as such. However I’ve just heard of avoidance, which seems to fit me. I spent the whole month in bed watching tiktoks and researching ocd and “ruminating”. And I mean like 13hrs a day on tiktok. It was really the only thing with the constant swiping and flow of different content that could keep me distracted. Another thing I was doing was just sleeping. I was sleeping a crazy crazy amount and anytime I got realllly bad, I would just sleep try sleep it off. Like if I woke up from 10hrs sleep and 2 hours later I was spiralling into anxiety, it would be back to sleep, sometimes sleeping all day. Would these actions be considered compulsions? I really don’t have physical compulsions and seem to fully line up with “Pure O” Anyways, my medication seems to be working well again considering I can even write this and I’m doing well and I’m happy again. As if none of that even happened only a month ago.. hopefully that gives someone hope. Does it sound like I have OCD and also has anyone experience with a diagnosis with the UK NHS? Thanks for any advice people 💪

So I have been in a WONDERFUL place lately. I love my boyfriend so fricken much. I was bragging about him to my friend, and how he is my world and no matter what I know he is my person and I choose him. Tell me why it somehow turned into her dissecting our relationship and why we aren't married yet and why we don't have kids yet. Talking about how there's got to be a deeper reason behind why he is waiting and how I am ready but he isn't. SHE LITERALLY HAD SOMETHING NEGATIVE TO SAY FOR EVERYTHING POSITIVE I SAID. She is aware I have ocd but she doesn't fully understand that when I say something is triggering me that it is TRIGGERING ME. She doesn't understand how hard I had to fight my way out of that dark cloud that ocd had me in. She even brought up something I said last summer when my ocd hit HUGE and was at its most terrifying place. I had mentioned how I never lived alone because we got together The year after high scool, and I was kind of mourning the fact that Id never have that, but that was also weeks of rumination piling on top of the other and my compulsion of avoidance. I was in a depressive haze of ocd and I didn't even realize it. To bring up such a TERRIFYING THING when I am telling you I am triggered, like UGH. I am now at a place where yes, its true I never had that girl vs the world life where I had an apartment of my own and all that, but my life now with him is so much better, and is the goal I would be working towards anyway even if I had not moved in with him at that age. I KNOW HE IS MY PERSON. I am not giving him an ultimatum, or a time limit, I am not forcing his hand, I love him enough to have patience for when the time is right for marriage and kids. We have been together for just under six years, but we are still very young and everyone's timeline is different. I am not going to leave him for the one difference we have and it is all to do with time. He wants marriage and kids to we talk about it all the time. However he wants to join the police academy, and he wants to impress my father, etc. I have told him countless times I love him the way he is and ill marry him no matter what, but he is old fashioned and that is okay. We are bestfriends. I don't want anyone else. I choose him. I have chose him. And ill choose him over and over again, despite what ocd says or tries to make a big deal of. He doesn't abuse me, he doesn't yell at me, he doesn't try to hurt me, he takes care of me in every way. Just because I want a ring and a baby and he wants to get a few things sorted before that happens does not mean I should leave. I promise I am not trying to self reassure myself. I am just painting a picture of this situation. It is just extremely frustrating when you tell someone they are triggering you and then they continue to talk about something that is a TRIGGER. This is why I purposely don't discuss deep relationship stuff with people who don't know me and Steven, or dont have ocd, because they don't get it. they just don't. I CHOOSE HIM. I FEEL THE FEAR OF OCD AND I LIVE ANYWAY!

My husband has OCD, and it targets me and our relationship. And I'm not sure how to deal with it. He gets intrusive thoughts calling me a whore, which hurts alot because I try to be so modest, and he knows since the beginning of our relationship I've had a massive fear of being sexualized. He has so many intrusive thoughts and inappropriate images of his ex's and everyone he's ever liked, and things he'd seen online. He has them all times of the day and alot of them, and even during our intimate time. He has ones saying I look just like his ex's or people he's liked. Even telling me some have grounds, and that they're not intrusive. He says he finds others intrusively attractive. And he has many more. I try to stay calm, and understand, but this stuff just hurts so much, and effects our relationship, me, and intimacy so much. It's broken me down as a person. All my self esteem is gone, and I feel so worthless. I feel so ugly, I want to tear my skin off. I'm so lost. I feel like I've lost myself and who I am. I love him so much, I just don't know what to do I'm being hurt so much.

I have a disgusting compulsion that I’m too afraid to tell anyone (even my therapist) about. It has to do with a bodily function. I need some courage to tell her in my appointment today so that we can work through ERP with it. I’m afraid that she’ll call me gross like my previous therapist did when I told them about my avoidance with brushing my teeth (now fixed, thanks to current therapist). I have an ingrained distrust of doctors. How do I tell her what’s been going on?

Why do I feel like I am in the process of becoming a killer? It's really disturbing for me but whenever I go I see myself doing horrible things to the people I care about and to my pets. I'm feeling like I am not normal anymore. This never happened to me. But, I remember when I had another cat, once I put my arms around her to see if I can harm her, amd I didn't. That's what makes me feel like I am becoming a killer and I am in denial. I don't want that and I thought about suicide with pills.

Please reply, I know this can be seen as seeking reassurance but I think in some cases people need it and I am really suffering and am not in therapy or have ever been 😞 Is it possible with harm ocd that you can get use to the thought to the point you don’t get anxiety but the ‘urges’ can still be there? Or it feels like you ‘want’ to act on it or ‘like it’ or my head has literally convinced me that I like the feeling of doing that horrible thing and I get no anxiety when thinking about the thoughts (thoughts about smothering) and it’s stressing me out because I get no anxiety but it feels like I would suddenly lash out and do that and it’s because I ‘know how it feels to do that and enjoy/like the feeling of doing that/stopping someone from breathing with a pillow) I feel very upset and don’t know what to do, I’m carrying on with things but I’m constantly carrying this with me and I’m not stressing out over it every second of the day but I feel like I just don’t know what to do it feels so real and like it would actually happen and it’s ‘not the right circumstance for it to happen’ and Im just a mess and don’t know how I can live my life this way, believing this? It feels like it would happen or is inevitable and it would be because I like the feeling of smothering and it’s so horrible and I don’t know what to do I don’t even feel any bad feelings of anxiety or anything anymore but the other fake urges/feelings are there and it’s weird and I’m worried and don’t know how to deal with this

everyday i wake up anxious and my thoughts/doubts just come rushing at me as soon as i wake up. its very hard to get myself to calm down. my rocd has been flaring up so bad lately and its very debiliating. i keep getting thoughts like “youre only with your boyfriend because youre lonely” “you dont actually love him” “you dont want to be with him” and its very scary because my fear of the future makes me worry about stuff like “do i even want to get married or have kids?” when i think of a future with him i get very scared just because i don’t want to grow up and become a real adult yknow? and i think that triggers my rocd and is what gives me those thoughts like “what if you dont really love him”. these thoughts are just coming up 24/7 and it’s so hard to ignore them. i dont know what to do. i feel like it’s getting my actual feelings confused. when i tell him i love him i feel like i’m lying to him, but at the same time i’m not? i don’t know!!!! i’ve been crying about this all morning. 0/10 day so far. i seriously don’t know what to do and i just feel so stuck. can anyone else relate? any advice? :(

Hey guys, I am dating someone right now and experiencing regularly panic attacks. I start to overthink everything and I create scenarios in my mind, based on tiny things that happen. My fear is, that he is secretly meeting other woman and just playing with me. I had a couple of toxic relationships in the past, which my anxiety is based on. How can I gain trust again? I know I can't control anyways which decision he makes

the past day or so has been awful. my intrusive thoughts and just overall ocd has been nonstop. it’s constant thoughts that say horrific things about people, communities, friends, and a lot of thoughts even say slurs. i feel like i always have to react to them or else i’d be agreeing. for example, this morning i was brushing my teeth and i started worrying about a wisdom tooth removal coming up. my ocd was telling me that while i’m loopy or put asleep i’ll say the horrible things that my intrusive thoughts say. while still brushing my teeth i began to zone out in these thoughts and they were more vivid. they were of me in a dentist chair, knocked out, saying a slur or something, and then a few other random intrusive thoughts popped up. it was then that i stopped zoning out (still brushing my teeth) and my ocd freaked out and said that while “i” was thinking these things, i was repeating them out loud (since my mouth was moving from brushing my teeth). it was at this point that i literally couldn’t remember what had just happened and tried to think or “remember/recall” what the ocd/intrusive thoughts said, causing the ocd to repeat all these horrible things. i just don’t know what to do anymore. i can’t resist compulsions because every time i do, something worse pops into my head. i can’t tell the difference between reality or not within these thoughts. i can’t remember anything. did i just say this? or that? constant questioning. i hope this made sense, and if someone is still reading this far i apologize for wasting your time but i do appreciate it. just really stuck and confuses and panicky right now

So I suffer with Contamination OCD, and when I try to talk to other people about it, they always think that it's because I'm afraid of getting sick from germs, and although some people struggle with that that's not what worries me, I'm not scared of getting sick but I hate the thought that the germ is on me or on items that I use or on surfaces, its just the fear of it being there that I'm the most scared of. Does anyone else who has contamination OCD also experience it this way?

I posted a big post earlier but couldn’t really fit this in and wondered if anyone can specifically relate to this. This may be potentially triggering if you are at a very difficult stage with mental compulsions so please don’t read if that’s the case. I find mental compulsions stick with me. Unlike physical I find ERP impossible as with physical you can do ERP and then just walk away from wherever that compulsion would have taken place. So it’s out of sight out of mind and you can forget it, anxiety can come down and if you did think of it, you can think ‘well it’s too late to fix it because I’m not there’. So you can go about your day, your brain understands there was no threat and then when you come across the situation again, you feel less fear. But with mental compulsions, I find as it’s in your head, it feels like you could engage in the compulsion at any time. Like you can try resist the compulsion, but then you keep remembering it as you’re not leaving it anywhere, it feels attached to your mind. If you start to forget it, you check if it’s gone and then it comes back. It feels like the opportunity to carry out / fix the compulsion is always accessible as it’s done in your head so wherever you go you can do it. So it follows me. And then because I keep thinking about it, I ruminate and the fear factor increases and the consequences get more irrational. To make it worse, I’ve developed an obsession that mental compulsions are more dangerous and that by ignoring them I’m subconsciously accepting my intrusive thought (fear of losing control) and training my brain to make my intrusive thoughts reality, so that when I feel better and have forgotten this compulsion and think it’s in the past, my intrusive thought will suddenly come true all because I didn’t give in to the mental compulsion and I’ll suddenly lose control and become some evil person against my will. Now obviously that’s OCD talking, right? And if I were to over come it, that would seem silly and wouldn’t happen. But having This thought process completely prevents me from ever being able to let go of the mental compulsion. As when i do start forgetting, I suddenly freak out and remember the consequence that may happen by allowing myself to forget. Then it resets my need to carry out the compulsion. It’s horrible. The obsession also says that if it came true it could happen at any point in life like ‘remember that time you didn’t do that compulsion… well you’re about to be a psycho’. So it’s not like I can apply ERP and accept that nothing happening means avoiding the compulsion was the right decision because my obsession and fear isn’t time framed. Urgh it’s exhausting! I just hope I’m not alone in this. It just has be doubting everything and fearing for my life

im in a relationship and me and my partner are recently taking a break right now. i want to be able to learn more about myself and get better mentally, i would obsess over the thought of him cheating if he wasn’t texting me or calling me. would constantly check his location, i would feel like he didn’t love me. but after talking before going into our break i realized i was just obsessing n thinking to deep into us n only thinking negatively. im not diagnosed with ocd but my therapist mentioned that i fall into the category of it haven’t gone to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed yet. but it helps having a label to what i experience. i just want to know if there is any tricks or tips people might have on obsessing to much on the other and not on urself, i want to be able to control my ocd in my relationship, and in myself i don’t want to constantly have these inner mental battles with myself anymore and be able to think without overtly thinking too much into anything or obsessing over the most mundane things and only thinking negatively about something. we’re taking this break to find ourselves mentally and individually. we dated young and are now entering the stages of adulthood and i want to make this work because i truly love him and seek only the best for him. i have done certain things that help with the overthinking and obsessing over these thoughts and the what if’s idk im just rambling now i hoped this app would help me in some way to learn how to control my thoughts and to get out of my bubble so much i isolate myself with my thoughts and its causing me more harm now and others.

***this may be very triggering so please don’t read if you’re struggling a lot with your OCD**** So I’ve been doing ERP (without a therapist but on a waiting list) for my physical compulsions and I was achieving so well. But then Mental compulsions took over and they are taking over my life. I really hope there’s someone who can relate to this and hopefully teach me that I will find peace. I will sometimes have compulsions that occur through imagery in my mind. This is new for me but has topped all my physical compulsions which I never knew was possible. In fact I’m at a point where I wish I was overwhelmed with physical compulsions rather than this current torture. For example the other day I was at a house where I felt very panicky and gave into a bunch of physical compulsions. When I got home I felt disgusting. The thought of that house was traumatising because of how much stress I induced while there. I couldn’t bare to think about it, I just wanted to forget about any memory of it. I layed in bed and closed my eyes and unintentionally imagined the outside of the house I had visited and as I did I had a harm intrusive thought - what if I lost all control of myself and harmed someone I love against my will - now I’m the most loving sensitive and caring person so this OCD theme has been debilitating for me, but i had been overcoming it with my physical compulsions. I opened my eyes and instantly had the compulsion that I needed to close my eyes again and imagine the same thing again (the outside of the house the exact same way as before) - only this time I imagined their living room instead. I usually have to do things twice to cancel them out (represents ‘on’ and ‘off’… so stupid) so I opened my eyes and panicked because to fix things I needed to correctly imagine the outside of the house as I did earlier. But before I could do that I now needed to imagine the living room the right way, and then I could imagine the outside. But I kept imagining different rooms and couldnt get the image of the right rooms meaning I was going deeper into this house unwillingly. This created a backlog of mental compulsions I needed to fix. I needed to work my way back out the house the same way I went in but my brain wasn’t letting me. I opened my eyes and I was sweating and panicking. I felt trapped and like the only way to ever escape this anxiety and eliminate the threat would be to go back into my mind and fix these errors. I felt helpless and trapped in another world. I felt like my whole life was over now because I could never fix this. Unlike a physical compulsions this was happening in a world I was imagine in my head. I couldn’t just simply go and flick the light switch or tap on the wall. To correct the compulsion I had to actually mentally imagine it. But my mind wasn’t letting me. I felt detached from myself. My anxiety peaked and I had an anxiety override (body tingling, I felt cold) flush through me. And suddenly I felt a sudden lack of care and felt relief. It was like my brain had got so worked up it just let go of the compulsion urges. I fell asleep. The following day I woke up relieved that that mental compulsion episode had left me and I didn’t need to do anything. I cried to my partner who doesn’t know the extent of my OCD, I hide it a lot. But I do get emotional over it. But I never tell him what my ocd entails. All he knows is ‘I have OCD’. I said ‘I’m free’ and felt so relieved. I felt slightly at unease around my house as I was slightly traumatised by how petrified I was and everything was reminding me of it. But I moved on and had a great day feeling relaxed and ready to tackle any OCD that came my way. That was until the following morning I woke up feeling anxious about what I had experienced. I started feeling that I had tricked myself into being over it and felt detached from the world again. I started feeling that I needed to go back into my head, back into that house to fix the compulsion errors. My brain telling me that if I don’t, that unfixed episode will haunt me for life. That even if I get over it and forget, it’ll lie dormant and then come flooding back at a later point in life. It was telling me that all my intrusive fears will happen at some point in my life as a consequence to not fixing my errors and escaping that house. I keep telling myself this is all OCD trying to keep a hold of me. Sometimes my anxiety will ease momentarily and I’ll feel more rational, but then I doubt it and think but what if that’s it lying dormant. And then it comes flooding back. I don’t feel ERP will work for this one. It’s been 2 days now of me trying to avoid the urge to go back and try to fix it. I feel like it’s inevitable that lll have to go back and fix it. Because it seems like I won’t get my life back ever again if I don’t. That’s how it’s making me feel right now. But then I’m scared that if I do go back to fix the errors, I won’t be able to fix it easily. I won’t be able to imagine the right rooms and will only make more errors. I feel like I can’t win. I feel like the only way to get back to reality is fixing these mental compulsions. I just don’t know how 😰. I’m so scared, I know deep down this is all OCD. These fears are obsessions and intrusive thoughts morphing to avoid me escaping OCD. I know it’s illogical and I know the only reason I feel so much meaning behind this mental compulsive world I imagined was because these images of the house was just thoughts that made me feel uncomfortable and I attached meaning to them and taught my brain to fear it. I know I created this fear but it feels so real to me now I’m just stuck. Can anyone relate to this. Does anyone have mental compulsions that feel like a rabbit hole, like a trap and a long list of errors you can’t fix. Is it normal to feel this way. Is my life over? 😞😞😞 I just want to be happy again. I just want to be able to engage in life again. My boyfriend is my whole world. I love him so much and I can’t focus on anything other than this one mental compulsive episode that I feel I’ll never forget. It’s so overwhelming that I haven’t had any physical or new compulsions since because my mind is too preoccupied with how I’m going to deal with that one episode.

I think I have to face a major trigger in a few days and I think I am not ready for it. If I may not have thoight anout it this much if I was in better condition when I don't use to have these thoughts like 24/7 if I use to be not depressed this much about it then maybe I coukd face it but not now and I am trying hard to not to face it but nothing is working. I fear that I have to face it but I am not ready atleast for now plzz anyone help me!!??

I have ocd based on health related things. So whenever my brain gets an idea about something to be afraid of, I should try to expose myself to the idea of having that through exposures until I get desensitized to it? Keep doing this throughout life, how do you not get depressed by this?

I don’t know if I’m the only person that this happens to and I feel like no one can relate to me. Recently I have been getting these intrusive images/thoughts force themselves into my head. Some are sexually inappropriate and some are based on things that happened in my past that I feel so much guilt about. These images/thoughts seem to just come whenever they want and it feels like I can’t control when it happens and I want it to stop. These thoughts are ruining my relationship with my partner as not only do I hate these thoughts he hates them too. I am in a committed relationship with my partner and I love him and am so scared of losing him because of this that I think it adds to the stress I am feeling. I am scared to watch things, talk to him or be intimate as I don’t want these thoughts/images to force themselves into my mind while we spend time together. I hate the way that my mind works and how it feels like I have no control. These thoughts have been happening almost nonstop and I feel as though I can’t enjoy my day to day life without it being ruined by these thoughts/images, and my partner feels the same. I feel guilty for not only my past but this too as I know that I have ruined a lot of things for my partner and I just want them to stop. I want to fix this before it’s too late, I’m so scared of losing him.

I know. Many of you will not like this post, but bear with me. Everytime i have seen tarot cards, things are always right. Even just before asking the question about ocd, the cards were right. There were cards about peace and harmony, and not to be impulsive, but also about wanting an unspeakable thing, experimenting different things in life i wouldn't have thought of, and relax. Suddenly i feel tensed about my hocd. If someone has used tarot cards and have/had, please reply.

Im not sure if I get offended or hurt by stupid jokes because I’m super insecure or if it’s actually just a joke. I’ve been really focused on this lately and started a fight w my bf about it. He made a dumb joke about me walking around like a gremlin. I know deep down it was a stupid joke and I don’t think I’d care if I heard it from anyone else. I stewed over it for 30 mins then kinda started a fight about it. I don’t know if it’s valid though cause I know it’s just banter. I also know that I’m super sensitive lately and insecure. So it’s hard like 15 lbs ago I don’t think I would care about this joke. It just added to my insecurity tho

I genuinely don’t know if I have OCD. I keep going through all sorts of distressing obsessive cycles but as soon as I start to find some answered to the craziness, the obsessions start to disappear, just reinforcing my doubt. And a lot of my obsessions seem to be “subtypes” that don’t really have a name within the OCD community. For example, as of recently I’ve found myself in an obsessive cycle of doubting and questioning my morals and values. It started with the thoughts of “what makes P-philea wrong” and that thought scared me because why would I question a value that is universal. I began worrying that somehow I might potentially see these behaviours as morally acceptable. And I began questioning my moral values on other things as well. But I don’t know if it’s OCD or if I’m just thinking deeply about why I believe what I believe. Anyone have any similar experiences??