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I feel like nothing is ever going to get better. I don't want to live anymore.

Someone please help me, I’m begging if anyone is willing to listen to me and help me I’ll listen to their problems as well I’m just not in the right mind space rn

Im feeling so anxious cause of my pocd and real events ocd based on extremely horrible childhood mistakes... Here are the facts. - I made a severe horrible mistake of a sexual nature 3 times at the age of 13. - someone told me about what the mistake was and what it meant earlier in the week before the mistakes happened... - i had no idea what the mistake even was before I learned of it, much less ever do it.... - i had forgotten about being told about the mistake and what it meant, and the severe mistakes happened later in the following days... - it never happened again and I feel extremely guilty at the age of 22. I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭

I love my bf, he’s amazing, but there are certain things that I’m really struggling to get over and I’m genuinely starting to think it’s not ocd (for context I’m not diagnosed right now). He’s super great but one thing that really bugs me and stresses me out is the fact that there are times when he sounds really whiny like a child, it’s not even that he’s doing it consciously or with the intent to whine, sometimes he just sounds like a child. And because it’s not something he’s doing intentionally and sometimes it’s just the way he sounds, it’s not something he can necessarily change, and I don’t want to constantly be picking him apart every time he does it. But it’s brings me so much stress and anxiety because it’s kind of a turn off for me and I’m worried that if I don’t like it that means I don’t like him and I should leave. I don’t want to have turn offs, especially because he’s so amazing, but that one is. And it’s worrying. I’m worried I’ll always be bugged by it and it’ll only get worse. But I love him and I don’t want to leave. But in that moment it feels like I’m turned off and annoyed and concerned at the fact that he sounds and acts that way, and it brings be so much stress. I feel like I catastrophize little things. I worry that if anything is a turn off I should take it as a gut instinct. And I don’t know what to do. I’m scared, and so mentally exhausted. And I don’t want to hurt him with my thoughts and feelings. Please help.

i would want to be a teacher or an aftercare counselor, not for the rest of my life, just for right now and i do get along with kids sometimes im not really around them alot. i wouldn’t want to work with high schoolers or middle schoolers, a part of me does to be able to set them up for the real world and ive been through a lot so I could give advice, but nowadays they are so disrespectful so I would rather work with little kids. BUT, i see so many TikTok’s of women getting arrested (women teachers) for doing stuff to their students. i already have pocd, and this scares me. it makes me feel like i should just stay away because im gonna end up “giving in and turning into a p”. it freaks me out. i then think I should work there anyways as exposure, but then my ocd tells me it’s because i want to be around kids and im using ocd and exposure as an excuse :(

Im feeling so anxious cause of my pocd and real events ocd based on extremely horrible childhood mistakes... Here are the facts. - I made a severe horrible mistake of a sexual nature 3 times at the age of 13. - someone told me about what the mistake was and what it meant earlier in the week before the mistakes happened... - i had no idea what the mistake even was before I learned of it, much less ever do it.... - i had forgotten about being told about the mistake and what it meant, and the severe mistakes happened later in the following days... - it never happened again and I feel extremely guilty at the age of 22. I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭

Does your ROCD makes you have thoughts that you’re attracted to anyone else expect your boyfriend? Like why does it has to destroy as like that. I’m having thoughts that I find other guys attractive (not all day or everyday) but it’s not like I have any urge to cheat on my boyfriend or anything. But I always have this thoughts when I’m alone, but when I’m with my boyfriend I find him the most beautiful guy in the world and I never have thoughts others are more attractive than him.

Hello everyone! So let me tell you my story. My OCD started the typical way, it involved mainly around the contamination theme, I was around 11/12 years old. It was very bad, very very bad, I lost hours upon hours cleaning my hands, touching things repeatedly a certain number of times, etc. My family eventually talked about it to the GP who could immediately tell it was OCD. After this, he sent me to a "therapist", with whom I had a very bad experience. He used psychoanalysis, which clearly did not work, it even got worse... Looking back, I think medication and proper therapy could have saved me a lot of time. I stopped seeing this person (one of the best things I did in my life, I think). Then, finally, out of frustration, and knowing that I had a mental disorder, that all my anxiety came from this thing called OCD, I accidentally started some primitive form of ERP without knowing it. I did not stop doing compulsions, but started doing them in a bad way. Then not doing them, having the "f* it, let's see what happens if I don't clean my hands now" mentality. It all finally went away, my OCD was "cured". At least, that's what my family thinks, and the new GP I had in the meantime too. It only stopped for about three years (which is amazing, actually). Then I started having other OCD themes, and because I did not see a proper therapist when I first got "diagnosed", I thought it was not OCD, because I was "cured". It went on and on for months, no one saw it, my compulsions involved replaying things in my head, checking things by googling them, I even had some digital OCD which made me reset my devices a countless number of times. Eventually, this feeling I got, well, it reminded me of something, let's search if OCD can be something more than a fear of contamination: holy moly, it IS OCD. I did not want to see a therapist, by fear of telling my family that I need help, and started to mimic some kind of ERP, which was insanely difficult with these themes, it eventually worked out. I "managed" it, and learned in the meantime I will never be cured. I can only try to manage it when it comes. But the thing is, everyone thinks I am cured, shouldn't my GP know that it cannot be? Well. I am writing to this community to first let everyone know that this disorder can be managed, it only is a matter of time and perseverance, and also, for you to keep in mind that therapy is important, because it gives you the tools to manage it in the long term. Another reason that I am here is that I am having another round of OCD at the moment, but this time, do you think I should tell it and get proper help, or that I can manage it myself given my track record? Thank you for reading this huge post.

Hey everyone. I've never posted before because I'm never quite sure what to say. But things have been pretty rough for a long time and I just don't know what to do. It feels like my intrusive thoughts continue to get worse and more persistent and even though I know I'm a good person, I'm scared that I'm really not one because of the thoughts. It also feels like no matter what I do, they don't go away. I would try meds but they scare me and the side effects worry me too because of my family history. I just feel stuck and don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired. I just needed to rant. Thanks for reading.

I'm worried if people knew my past, especially my partner, they would all leave me. My family, my friends, the love of my life. I remember what I've done, and false memories just make it worse, make it feel like I need to confess to things I can't remember details of, that I'm not worthy of forgiveness and love, and that I'm loving a lie every day I wake up. Some days I can live beside it, other days feel impossible. We want to get married, but I feel like I'd be doing her a great injustice if we did. I just don't know how I can live like this.

I love my bf a lot (at least I think so) but I really struggle at times because I obsess over every little thing he does that I find weird or cringy or annoying or unattractive. a lot of times I’m just blowing things out of proportion. But the problem is, sometimes these thoughts don’t feel intrusive, it’s not like my brain is telling me something is annoying when it isn’t. There are definitely times where he does do things that I cringe at or feel annoyed by, or I just have this weird feeling of being put off. And those are the things I obsess over. So now I’m worried. I’m not sure how to describe my thoughts and feelings, I guess it’s more that something he does will trigger me (i.e. he does something weird or cringy or annoying) and I respond (i.e. thinking and feeling weirded out, annoyed, or cringing) and then all I focus about is the weird things he did and the fact I feel that way about them, and I start obsessing and playing over the situation in my mind, and I worry that his actions will make me not like him entirely, and I start putting him under a mental microscope, picking apart everything. And I worry that me not liking those things is bad or wrong or it’s a sign I don’t like him. And I don’t know how to move on, because my brain wants to like everything, but it can’t, and it can’t move past that, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t get over all these thoughts and feelings and I worry that it’s not OCD because it’s not necessarily entirely intrusive and idk if it’s bad to feel this way, and even if someone told me it wasn’t bad to feel this way, I would continue to worry that I just don’t like him and or that I wouldn’t be able to handle those “flaws” forever.

I feel when I get a thought I can’t talk myself out of it unless I have proof like a voice memo, a video or a dash cam recording. How do you guys talk yourselves through your thoughts. Whatever they may be?

Hey guys! Im new to this app but only because sadly ive been going through a new “theme”. But I wanted to post my success story for HOCD after seeing so many people on here going through it sadly. So here we go… I was 15 years old life was going amazing. Easy living, had just got a new girlfriend and so much in puppy love it was awesome. Fastfoward 3 months I woke up one morning in a panic I thought I was turning homosexual. It wasnt even a thought and nothing triggered it that I can remember it was just there. I obsessed about it and had no idea what was going on or why. I remember texting my bestfriend “hey man have you ever just lost feelings or attraction to girls out of nowhere”? Not knowing at the time this was a compulsion. Then I fell into the good ol google. First thing I searched and ill never forget “why is my mind trying to make me gay?” and the first thing that popped up with was a support group for HOCD. If I hadnt of found that I would probably of lost my mind…. But knowing now I wish I never did because I was on it 24/7 everyday reading and getting reassurance just to feel better for 5 minutes. So after struggling and coming go conclusion of what I thought I had I pulled my parents aside and asked for help. Crying to them and telling them I needed help because my mind was spiraling. Keep in mind I grew up in a Christian background and southern roots. I told them “My mind is making me think im gay and i dont know what to do. I think I have something called HOCD but I dont know.” My mom insisted it was adolescence and hormones and I was just “confused”. I wanted to go to therapy but I didnt know how to ask. I thought if I could just get on medicene that would make me happy this would all go away but I never had the chance to. My tutor at the time was a church pastor and my mom mentioned to her what I was going through and she recommended having me sit down with a conversion therapist. Can you imagine how much distress that gave me? But at the time I said okay if this will make it better… But we never went through with this. Im just here to say I dealt with this for 3 years with no therapy and no medication. I noticed guys everywhere I went.. On tv, in the streets. I couldnt even look at myself in the mirror sometimes because I was afraid I may look gay(this is not a homophobic post i have many gay friends now). Now to the concurred part. I now have a beautiful wife, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 turtles and im not worried about it. Funny thing to me that always seems to happen with OCD/pure o is I can remember the day and the time it started but I cannot remember when it stopped. Im not sure if you get used to it or become numb to the feelings. But for everyone out there dealing with this their is hope. I would advise getting therapy and opening up to loved ones even if you are scared. Theres light at the end of the tunnel and it may seem like living hell now but I promise you will have a happy life. Sorry for this crazy long post! Love to you all and stay strong!

Hello. This is my first post and it’s going to be a confession of sorts… I was recently diagnosed with OCD and it has been really clarifying, scary, and confusing to navigate alone. I am also going through a lot of changes in my personal life. I recently graduated college and I am currently healing from a very difficult break up with my partner of 4 years. I don’t handle uncertainty or change very well so this period of my life has been super stressful and uncomfortable. My recent diagnosis and break up have taught me a lot about myself. I first realized I might have OCD because my mental health and— what I now know to be compulsions— became so destructive to my physical and emotional wellbeing that I actually began googling questions about repetitive self mutilation. The first result was something about the link between OCD and self harm. There were some examples of what compulsive self mutilation can look like, and it strongly resembled the things I have struggled with my entire life. For me, self mutilation is the compulsion I struggle with most. At times it has been incredibly debilitating. From there, I became obsessed with reading into OCD (I find this pretty ironic and funny). The more I research about it the more it resembles the things I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. I realized that the overwhelming guilt, shame, and anxiety I feel constantly are not the consequences of being a bad person, but rather the symptoms of OCD. It feels super validating to learn that the inner turmoil I’ve struggled with my entire life is something other people experience and is actually treatable. I started working with a psychiatrist who specializes in OCD and ended up getting formally diagnosed with moderate to severe OCD. Since learning this, I am beginning to understand myself in an entirely new light. It has in no way been easy. I hit rock bottom and— just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse — I hit an even lower rock bottom. I’m not saying this out of self pity or to try to fish for sympathy, I’m just hoping that I can make someone struggling with a recent diagnosis feel less alone. I have felt very alone in this journey even as I learn that many people struggle with similar things. I still have a lot of learning and growing to do, but I am actively seeking treatment and I’m doing what I can to manage my OCD. I’m really grateful for this platform and I am relieved to know that things can actually get better. I think the next step for me is to start ERP therapy, but right now that sounds really scary and exhausting. Even so, I’m quickly warming up to this form of treatment as I research about its effectiveness. Everyday I discover more ways my life has been impacted by OCD. It’s very painful to realize that the overwhelming shame I feel about my obsessions and compulsions has actually been the reason I’ve lived the first 23 years of my life undiagnosed. My diagnosis has also shed new light on my past relationship and has helped me sort through some of my emotions in this healing process. … To anybody who actually read this whole thing: thank you. If nobody read it then at least I got this off my chest. I would really appreciate any advice on navigating a recent diagnosis and seeking treatment.

Im feeling so anxious cause of my pocd and real events ocd based on extremely horrible childhood mistakes... Here are the facts. - I made a severe horrible mistake of a sexual nature 3 times at the age of 13. - someone told me about what the mistake was and what it meant earlier in the week before the mistakes happened... - i had no idea what the mistake even was before I learned of it, much less ever do it.... - i had forgotten about being told about the mistake and what it meant, and the severe mistakes happened later in the following days... - it never happened again and I feel extremely guilty at the age of 22. I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭

So I have a quick story… About six months ago my boyfriend and I went to dinner. He was talking about a hang out with his friends that happened recently and his friends gf and her best friend were there. I come to find out all the times (at that time) he hung out with his friends, his friends gf and the best friend were there. For the sake of the story let’s call his friends gf Carly and the friend we’ll call Sam (I know so original). So naturally I was upset that he was telling me for weeks it was just his friends when carly and sam were also there. A month later about we go to carly’s birthday party. I met sam. She was going on about how funny my boyfriend is, he’s so good at golf, he’s so funny. I was uncomfortable. Then a couple weeks later we go bowling with his friends and I was told just carly was going to be there because it was just a couples night. I get tapped on the shoulder and it was sam. My bfs friends were yes-ing me up and down saying they had no idea she was coming and it was a shock. The NEXT day, one of my boyfriend’s friends called him and said “yeah we knew she was coming, we didn’t think it was a big deal.” Since then, it’s been hard to move on and forgive them. I have spoken to them and sam about what I felt and basically was told that I’m crazy and toxic and they resent me. The point of this is I TRY AND CONTROL EVERYTHING. IT IS KILLING MY RELATIONSHIPS AND MY LIVELIHOOD. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t be around his friends because they hate me, I can’t go into public because they’ll see me and talk shit about me, I can’t do anything. I can’t even post a story on my instagram without feeling like they’re watching and judging me. I don’t know how to feel or act. I’m upset I can’t control anything and it can’t go the way I want and feel it needs to go. I need help. Or advice.

I feel so down about how out of control my symptoms have become. My OCD fears lie in the fear of contracting an incurable disease. I hyper focus on the disease of rabies. If I see an animal outside, even if it is 30 or 40 feet away from me I feel dirty. If an animal is outside a restaurant I will just leave because I become overwhelmed. My heart races, I feel nauseous, and sometimes I feel like I’m not even in my own body. I don’t interact with my own pets anymore, and it breaks my heart. I won’t hang out with my friend anymore because she works at a vets office. I’m in therapy but it’s not working. I’m on medicine that doesn’t seem to be working. I feel hopeless. No one understands, especially family. It keeps getting worse and worse, especially since it became spring time and animals that weren’t out much in the winter are coming back out. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I feel like i have gotten to the point where i realize it's my brain convincing me, telling me that there is something wrong with me. That i have cancer because there's no way that i don't. That I'm ill and i will pass in a few days. I get so scared and anxious about it because the truth is i really dont want to die so early in life. And the fear that i will, is just consuming the life i am currently living. I get so depressed and sad because i dont want to die because i like the life i have. And im scared that if i have cancer then everything will get flipped upside down and ill die and i wont experience everything i want to. When i was in middle school i hated life and i seriously had suicidal thoughts, and now i feel like my Health OCD is giving me karma for thinking like that. Because now, i feel like i have it worse than i did then. Everyday i live in constant fear that im going to just drop dead or develop cancer and die before i can even reach 18. But i feel like my intuition wants to keep me safe, so it tells me to check and to make sure i dont have anything wrong with me. I feel like everyone calls me crazy. But it's so hard, and so scary to not worry about this. I try and have a good day but a sudden pain in my arm just makes me believe that my vein is going to burst which will stop my heart or something. I just want to have a good time, The past few months have been worrying me sick. I'm not sure how to get better, or how to stop worrying about having a serious illness. I freak out even more that i keep saying or thinking i have cancer, because then i feel like i'm manifesting it even though i don't want it to happen. I just get scared that i keep saying it and then it will actually happen. I'm just so distraught. But i've been recognizing that i really need to stop this. I've been crying everyday about this. I really just need help and guidance, i just need to be healthy :(

My hocd has been acting up again. Now I get anxious thoughts with my boyfriend sexual and everything. Maybe because I am in my head I have to always feel turned on other way I am lesbian. So now I get REALLY anxious about those thoughts. When i get thoughts about lesbians I feel like I don’t feel same anxiety and just get groinal. So yeah it feels so real now and I just want to cry. I don’t want to lose my boyfriend because of this. I was so happy with 7 months and then my ocd started to again with hocd and rocd. So it feels so stupid to think I am lesbian because I love him and everything was fine before these thoughts. But it feels real because now I get anxious thoughts with my boyfriend and not other girls. I hate this I really hope this would end. I have had hocd before and I remember it was same but it’s doesn’t help how I feel.

I can’t believe I’m writing this, I feel I’m starting to get attracted to children, I don’t believe I’m writing this, what shall I do