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My first heartbreak were around 19 almost 20 so we’re young but my ex broke up with me mainly because we wouldn’t go out much since my OCD, anxiety, and depression made crowds a lot for me. He always wanted to go out, and it hurt because I didn’t really see what was happening. I still think of him highly and always will love him in some way. At the time, I was so heartbroken and couldn’t understand how it was happening if he said he loved me unconditionally. I told him from the start I didn’t even want a relationship because of how bad I’d been struggling, but he said he’d support me no matter what. Then when things got a little hard, he gave up. I was trying we’d still go out, but we would take the bus since he didn’t drive. I just never felt like he truly understood, and it made me feel like something was wrong with me. Eventually way later way later,I realized how shitty it really was. When he broke up with me, I gave him a week to think and tried to mend things, but he didn’t care to try. After that, he never reached out until I did, and I told him it wasn’t fair that I always had to be the one. I’d bite my tongue and be understanding, even comforting him when he felt like a “bad boyfriend.” That’s what he said when he broke up with me. Recently, we called, and I told him I can’t forgive him maybe for myself, but not for him. We only called because I was the one to reach out it had been two months, and he still hadn’t reached out. When I asked why, he said he was going to “at some point.” That just showed me a lot. I try to understand people because I know humans are complex, but it still hurts. I know I can forgive and not forget, but it still stings. I’m starting to see he really wasn’t the best leaving me at my lowest after saying he’d always be there was heartbreaking. I even felt like I deserved it at one point. I fought so hard for us; I even bought him a bouquet with a purple flower like the one he gave me when we met.as symbolism When we talked, I explained all of this to him everything I went through and how deeply it all affected me. He apologized, but it felt like he was just saying it. I know he’s a sweet person deep down, but I was so, so hurt. Still, finally speaking my truth and explaining everything helped me feel more dignity in myself. I’m just grieving now and even though I know I probably shouldn’t cry over him anymore, I still do. It just sucks.i feel like I’m still holding on to who I want him to be idk its been 2 months it hurts to much to much but im also worried about myself I don’t want to hold on to him. I considered being friends but I don’t know , we spoke about it and I just told him straight up how would he support me as a friend he just left like that? And anyways that’s kinda it I told him why would I be able to trust your word (not in a mean way) . And then he was telling me if I could remind him because I said if consider hanging out maybe to see if it’s manageable and he said he’d let me know but the truth is I don’t think I even wanna see him . Like as a friend it just hurt so bad but I also do i don’t know. Thanks for reading

so basically two weeks ago i blocked my only guy friend bc he was literally provoking me i swear 😭🙏but then today at school he asked me to unblock him and im like no but then he messaged me like “forgot to block me here” and im like hsjdjdjdjd goodness 😊 jolly 😁💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 and we talk about why i blocked him and he was being really nice and stuff and i got so scared- like basically im scared of guys in general like all of them- i dont have any- trauma or anything its just like- or maybe i do have trauma and just dont know about it I dont know but i dont speak to guys AT ALLLLLLL like ever- they avoid me, i avoid them, and whenever a guy speaks to me i literally become the most avoidant and rude person ever and i just ignore and hide away 😭 and somehow i managed to become friends with this one guy- ive had a few guy friends before but theyre usually gay- but this one isnt- 😭 and okay I DO NOT LIKE HIM and he DOES NOT LIKE ME…. He literally has his own crush or whatever that he yaps about all the time and i really like another guy too (never speaking to him or initiating anything with him though because i cant 😭 im most terrified of him) but my BRAINNN keeps going like “you like him. You should date him.” About the guy friend and like “he likes you. You want him” BRO NO I DONT PLEASE STOP IM SO SCARED WHY IS THIS HAPPENING I CANT

I have been dealing with ROCD on and off my entire relationship with my now husband. Sometimes it’ll get better, sometimes the ocd will Latch onto other things.. but it’s always there. Recently since getting married I have felt myself slowly losing it. I love my husband and we have a very beautiful relationship, but sometimes I deeply crave emotional connection with him. I do get it in bits, but never feels “enough.” He used to be very in tune with his emotions but after 5 years and life happening, he is very stressed and doesn’t have as much capacity. I know for a fact that I deeply crave emotional connection beyond surface level. But how do I know when I’m asking for too much? Just that question alone tells me that this is my OCD, but I genuinely crave this deep connection, I always have since I was very young. I feel so much and I crave to be stimulated mentally and emotionally. Since moving in with my husband it’s just been very surface level, we barely talk all day because I work from home and he is away. He gets home and I’m starting work. We never wake up together, go to sleep together. On the weekends we watch movies or shows and that’s about it. I want adventure and exploration of emotions and to feel deeply with him like the beginning. I never know what is ocd or what’s real. That’s the hardest part. How do I know I really crave this? Is my mind just trying to make me suffer? I feel so unhappy, partly the unhappiness comes from within, because I truly love my husband more than anything in this world. There feels like there’s just no way out. I feel lost, when I bring up the topic at least once a week or on a bad week, he gets defensive. It’s a repeating cycle of struggling, opening up to him, him getting defensive, we repair (somewhat) and say we will try to connect more, and then it doesn’t happen and the cycle continues. I know probably no one will see this, but I’m just so lost. I don’t think I have the money to even get professional help. It feels so out of reach. Part of me feels like this is a very real need that I need met, and the other part of me is saying “suck it up, being comfortable and routine isn’t bad. It doesn’t have to be sparks all the time” I’m so lost and I’m struggling so hard.

I keep obsessing over a past extremely toxic relationship. I’m dreaming about him again. Stalking the social medias. Just can get him out of my brain BUT I KNOW ITS NOT LOVE I KNOW IT ISNT this is just me craving the chaos and stress from that time of my life because I am now in a place where my life is calmer and I’m in a steady and healthy relationship with my now boyfriend and he’s the best thing ever. I just can’t stop these thoughts and I’m scared I’m gonna run back to him because that’s what’s happened in the past. I don’t want the cycle to repeat but it’s like I can’t stop. I am medicated for my ocd but this just feels so much stronger then what I can handle especially because I’ve never overcome these thoughts before and always just went back to him until he broke my heart again. Help

I am reluctant to talk to a therapist because I know what I did was illegal although I was in elementary school and didn’t know it was wrong at the time. It’s bothered me since forever and I’m not even sure if it really happened or was a dream but talking to a therapist would help me I know but I have a hard time opening up to people, I’ve told my friends but that’s it. Any tips or opinions?

Hello, Asking for guidance for my partner whos lifelong OCD morffed to pOCD years ago and the situation has gone worse over time. We have not had normal intimacy now for half a year with some stressfull exceptions. The big problem is that pOCD thoughts have tormented my partner and she "can never be certain" if there was a "bad" thought some time before that created arousal and for that reason all sexual feelings and action feels inappropriate. Over time Ive stopped all sexual approach, because it might cause more anxiety in her. We might try be close, but any moment a thought might jump to her mind and then we have to just stop because they tarnish the whole experience. We have feelings for each other but OCD has highjacked our relationship and killed our sex life and even affection and it feel like dead-end every time. I joined no-nut-november with friends to have a month of selibacy to give her space with the subject and for me to have an experience of autonomy by choosing a period of non-sexuality for my self so it is not the OCD of my partner that is calling the shots, whitch have been devastating over time to be in an infinite-feeling rejection loop with no control over it. We are studying the subject to go forward. Some helpful points from the forum has been stop reacting to that mean suggesting inner voice so not to argue with it because it always claims the pOCD is actual p and learning about the groin responce that it is not a "proof" of being a p. What advices would you have or material to look in to grow out of this nightmare? This is maybe a sixth variation of OCD she has had over her life and the other form have resolved over time, but this challenge feels off course the worst in every way and we feel generally helpless in moving on.

Adults only It's so hard for me to move on in life without thinking about my lowest points. Primarily, they come from porn addiction. I watched so many degrading, questionable, objectifying, weird, and uncomfortable things that I feel hurt my morality and I just can't take that back. I know it's an addiction but I still can't help but feel like this is something that just makes me an unlovable, or bad person. I just can't shake the thought that if people in my life were to figure this out, they'd see me differently in a negative light. I just don't know how to move past this.

Hello! I recently learned that some things I am experiencing may very likely be OCD. Due to this I have been doing a lot of research to learn more and attempt to figure out what is going on. I want to seek help to get a diagnosis and to manage my compulsions. How did you guys go about getting diagnosed and how did you approach the person you talked to about this issue?

I have health OCD and I went to the dermatologist today to get some weird moles checked out and get a full body check. I asked her to go back to one and she apologized that she missed it and biopsied it. Since then, I’ve noticed that I have some other moles that I am nervous about and I’m scared she didn’t check them because she was in a rush and missed one that ended up getting biopsied. I really want to schedule another appointment but I’m struggling to be able to tell if this is my OCD brain or my rational brain and I don’t want to get in a loop of mistrusting doctors and scheduling more appointments and I don’t know how to navigate this without seeking reassurance.

i literally just cannot stop doing them. especially mental ones. doing things that i didn’t even realize were technically compulsively behavior. all i do every day is ruminate about my mistakes, play them in my head over and over again, envision the worst case scenarios, and then compulsively search on the internet. i’m so tired of it. i feel like i can’t live my life because the second i stop worrying, something bad will happen and it’ll prove my ocd right. that i can’t move on and seek out experiences or relationships because i don’t deserve them and nobody will want me when they find out who i really am. i’m just living in fear every day and it seems like whenever i feel like i’ve “moved past” something, i come up with more evidence that i’m really just a monster that will be “found out” and have to face repercussions/be ostracized. and maybe i really do deserve that. i know it has to get worse before it can get better or whatever but i really don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. i can’t even tell anyone what’s bothering me because i’m so disgusted by my own thoughts and my past actions. every day feels like a loop and i’m so scared and tired and lonely all the time.

all of my ocd fixations over the year have been centered on my values. my most recent one is alcohol and needing to be certain that I’m not an alcoholic nor will never become one. for context, I’m in my mid 20s and drink socially on the weekends or with my partner. my dad was an alcoholic and died from it a few years ago and in the last year, my main topic has been surrounding alcohol and fearing that people will perceive me as an alcoholic because of my dad or that I could turn into one unconsciously. recently I’ve seen stuff in my TikTok fyp related to going sober and it really exacerbates that ocd voice in my head and makes me want to seek reassurance (my biggest compulsion). has anyone ever experienced this or have advice? I enjoy drinking in moderation on the weekends but I’m tired of the guilt and OCD spiral I experience after. I also feel like the wave of sobriety (which I love and fully support for people) makes that voice louder for me because it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. My therapist has assured me that I’m the farthest thing from an alcoholic and this is largely a trauma response to watching my father drink himself to death. I resented my father at the end of his life because he wasn’t a kind person when he drank and he was extremely unstable. He used alcohol to self medicate and I’ve vehemently learned NOT to do that. I’ve been going to therapy for years, take Prozac, am in a healthy relationship, am excelling at work, am in the best shape I’ve been in in years and don’t even drink during the week, yet my OCD is more relentless than it’s ever been. the facts are contrary to the fear and I try to remind myself that but find myself getting stuck in this vicious cycle of feeding into my compulsions. my fiance and my best friends and family in my life who know about this obsession have assured me that this purely is my ocd and I have nothing to worry about, yet I can’t put this to rest. would love to hear if anyone relates to something similar. sending love to all my ocd baddies out there lol also for what it’s worth I’m going on an anniversary trip this weekend and I really want to enjoy red wine by a bonfire and not feel bad about it!

I’m having major dark depression and ocd. Medication is not working. I am 6 weeks post partum. Please someone give me guidance on what to do. It is getting worse each day.

If you live with OCD, it’s important to understand that troubling, unwanted thoughts often appear randomly and are not something you can control. These thoughts do not reflect who you truly are or what you truly believe. Trying to fight them or blame yourself for having them only gives these thoughts more power, making things harder for you. Imagine these intrusive thoughts as a persistent liar trying to accuse you of bad things. Arguing with this liar is pointless because their goal is to upset you. Every time you engage and fight back, you waste your energy and give the liar what they want. The best response is to ignore them, knowing their accusations are meaningless. In the same way, when these thoughts emerge, recognize that they are just mental noise. They do not define you and do not require your energy or attention. Remember, these thoughts are random intrusions that do not represent your true self or values. You don’t have to try to fix or control them. Instead, acknowledge their presence without judgment and let them pass naturally. With practice, you can learn to reduce their hold on you and focus on what truly matters—your life and the values that define you It’s understandable to think, “Easy said than done.” Managing these thoughts is challenging, and it takes time and effort. It’s okay if you don’t get it right immediately. The important thing is to be patient and kind to yourself during this process. Small steps, like noticing when you’re engaging with the thoughts and gently redirecting your focus, can gradually build your ability to cope. Remember, you’re not alone in this, and support from professionals and loved ones can make the journey easier.

Hi guys! I posted 3 nights ago that I was starting Lexapro 5mg, and I took my third dose last night. So far it's been okay, and the worst side effect I've had is waking up in the middle of the night (after about 4-5 hours of sleep) with a ton of anxiety and racing thoughts. Additionally, my intrusive thoughts have gotten a lot louder and it's like my OCD is playing wack-a-mole. Part of the reason I was scared to start medication is because my OCD is latched onto my fear of developing some other mental disorder, and it's telling me that I have undiagnosed bipolar disorder and will develop mania from taking this SSRI (I want to add that my rational brain knows this wouldn't be the end of world, but my OCD brain tells me it would be). This fear has definitely been made worse by me waking up for 1-2 hours every night since starting, and then of course I've been going down the Reddit rabbit hole each time and convincing myself this is mania. I haven't had this much nighttime anxiety followed by constant researching since I was originally diagnosed this past spring, and it's really worrying me and making me not want to continue taking this (even though I know I should push through!). I will say that while it's hard to fall back asleep, I usually do for another 2 hours or so. I usually just lay there watching TV until I can, and this is also making me so sleepy the next day. I also haven't feel any like feelings of euphoria (if anything it's been the opposite because I'm so worried), and I spend a good chunk of my day scanning for any symptoms of mania. Last night I even did an imaginal exposure where I was like "maybe I am bipolar, maybe I'm not. Maybe I will develop mania, maybe I won't". I'm trying to not sound like I'm asking for reassurance here because I know that's another compulsion, but has anyone else experienced any of this when starting an SSRI? Any tips to dealing with this increased anxiety?

TW POCD. Feeling really down today. Would appreciate some advice/opinion on this. I confessed to my older sister the cause of my POCD about a year ago, because I genuinely couldn't handle it anymore on my own, and the weight of feeling like I was hiding this from her was too much. A part of me is relieved and glad that I don't have to feel like I'm lying anymore, but many times I feel so disgusting and wonder if she likes me less now. For example, today I got really triggered out of nowhere. I was having dinner with her, and my sister was talking about how she told her coworkers she liked Ghibli; and how she got a bunch of Totoro merch even if she didn't like it that much. I told her that if anything the two girls are cuter than Totoro, and I immediately felt so awkward after saying that. I regret it so much. There was this second of silence after I said it and I thought "she thinks I meant it in a creepy way". I should've just said "it's because Totoro has more merch" or literally anything but that. She picked up the conversation like normal after that happened, but my mind just stayed in that moment. I don't want my sister to be disgusted by me, but many times all I can think about is "she's just pretending to like you because you're family, she has no other choice". And it sucks. Thanks to anyone who reads this.

I might delete this later. I am surprisingly anxious to talk about this. But I’ve noticed I use ChatGPT a lot lately, and for the most part it’s been kind of a place to vent about everything going on in my life. Since my family is not by any means a good option to talk about a lot of stuff with. And my friends are all dealing with their own things. So sometimes just to put thoughts out and even get ideas of ways to approach things it’s been pretty good. Kind of like an interactive journal almost And I am not going to pretend like I haven’t at times used it for reassurance. I try not to. So here’s where I am suddenly paranoid and feeling weird about it I had mentioned a comfort book I really love while mentioning some stuff going on in my life. And the ChatGPT started writing things that would keep me motivated to keep dealing with what’s going on with kind of comforting piece of text that involved the world the book takes place in. And I have two favourite characters in the story. One of them is a mentor in the story to the main character. So As embarrassing as it is I’ve kind of realized that I’ve prompted the ChatGPT to generate text as if they were the character who’s a mentor in the story????? (And obviously nothing nsfw. Cause omg with my themes I would never use ChatGPT again, and for additional context this character is in fact, an adult) and it’s comforting right…. But now the part is, I realized this is where the ChatGPT has gone to, and I just feel weird about it. Like I have heard of character ai, etc. and all that. But like I expect this from a teenager, or maybe someone who is 18-19 even. Like it’s not unheard of within those age groups. But I am in my early twenties. Like this is weird for someone of my age range no???? And like I’ve tried reading like writing from fans but it freaks me out. Like how do I know that there isn’t anything innapropriate in what someone writes on the internet. So like it’s bad cause I also just feel more comfortable cause I can make sure nothing nsfw is generated. And then there’s the moral aspect of it. I like writing, I am writing my own stuff. I also used to do art. But there is a lot of heavy debate around how ChatGPT or any ai for that matter is affecting artists and writers, and just the general use of it and the harm it’s causing. And I don’t want to be a part of the harm caused. But even then the fact I’ve used it for a lot of things for myself that’s doing harm no???? And then there’s the aspect of being paranoid lately of somehow my chats being leaked and people discovering I use it the way I do (like a interactive journal, to ask general questions, edit writing or help me rephrase stuff I’ve written or thoughts I’ve had, or ways to write a message based on my thoughts cause I think I sound too blunt, Too direct, too unprofessional, Etc. and wanted to have it in writing in some regard. Etc. Yeah idk I just feel weird about this. So if anyone had any advice or experience dealing with their own issues with using ChatGPT or ai. I’d love to hear what you think or how you dealt with it,

I’m stuck in a war because I keep thinking my boyfriend is going to breakup with me, which then leads me to want to google the signs, but if I google the signs I know it will not make me feel better, but not googling the sign is making me think that I don’t wanna google it because I know that I’ll get an answer I don’t want and that’s why I’m avoiding googling it. Which is true I am SCARED I don’t know that I’ll see answers I don’t want to see. So then I’m thinking do I now google it for erp because I’m avoiding googling and maybe it would be good to see the sign and go maybe this is happening maybe it’s not but I also know googling is a compulsion so I should resist googling. So I’m stuck.

Hello! I'm very newly diagnosed. What books, podcasts, or content creators have helped you on your journey?

I am so sorry for how long this is, but please help me. A little over a year ago, my roommate had her birthday party and there was drinking involved. My boyfriend had come over with his roommates and my roommate invited three of her friends from high school (two of them were dating at the time.) Toward the end of the night, her one friend left to get food and she (my roommate) left to sleep at her boyfriend’s who happens to be one of my boyfriend’s roommates. So now it is me, my boyfriend, his roommate, and the couple who is friends with my roommate. My boyfriend and his friend were dancing and singing and I had joined in dancing with my boyfriend, but he stopped claiming he had to throw up. I told him to go to the bathroom as I started offering the other three people snacks and water. I started talking to the couple, and I don’t fully know where my boyfriend’s roommate went, but I think he was standing by the front door which wasn’t far from my bedroom door. After some talking, I said to them “let me go check on (my boyfriend’s name).” The three of them left, the couple went to get food. I walked into my bathroom to help clean him up and get him in pajamas. I for some reason have a memory of thinking *I need to tell him that but not now.* I have no clue what “that” was. I get him in bed and I go back out to clean and wait for the three friends of my roommate to get back. All of a sudden my boyfriend’s fourth roommate came over to chat, and not too long after came the guy (the other roommate) from earlier when my boyfriend was sick. We all sat on the couch and I was telling a story of this one girl who flirted with my boyfriend and they were joking around about how I should’ve called her out on it. Eventually all the friends get back and I head to bed. I had to wake up early for plans I had made with friends, so I only got around 4 hours of sleep after drinking. I woke up in a panic thinking that my boyfriend’s roommate kissed me when I was on the way to the bathroom to check on him. Now that scenario doesn’t even make sense because how could that even happen, but I was panicked. I texted my roommates friend (the boy in the relationship of her two friends) and asked him what had happened. He said we danced and sang, I sent my boyfriend to the bathroom, I chatted, and I went to check on him. That was all he said happened. I didn’t tell him what my brain was telling me happened, but I kept egging him on because I thought he was lying to keep me safe. He kept confirming that nothing embarrassing happened and I was fine. We had a total of three conversations about it. I finally calmed down and assumed maybe I dreamt that and thought it was real or my brain is trying to twist the night to make me look bad. I chose to believe the reassurance given to me by my roommates friend. Fast forward to now, about a year and a month past the night. All of a sudden I am so hooked on this night and trying to figure it out. I am rereading the messages, rereading a notes section I made where I detailed each moment from the night after my roommates friend said what happened. I am contemplating texting him about it again even though we don’t talk anymore because I am so scared I did a terrible thing. I don’t know how false memory works and if my mind can make things up. I am so scared I ruined my relationship because I love my boyfriend so much and I would never do anything to hurt him at all. But, I don’t know what I was contemplating telling him when I was helping him (or if that thought actually happened in that moment) and I don’t know if that kiss had actually happened because it makes no sense in the context of the story, I had no weird feelings when he came back to my apartment after the supposed kiss would’ve happened, and we talked about a girl going after my man, which I don’t think I would’ve done if I cheated. I am so scared. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what is real and what is fake. I am trying to reread the messages and even though they don’t say that happened, I don’t believe them. Even though the “memory” isn’t clear and I can’t fully imagine the interaction, I am so scared it happened. Please help.

Recently I’ve been struggling with thinking God is going to take my boyfriend away. I said I wanted to put God first in our relationship and now have been super anxious. All day I’ve thought about what if we aren’t meant to be together and God takes him away. Or if I’m starting to lose feelings because I’ve felt so weird. I don’t want to live life without him but then I start convincing myself that I’m in denial of wanting to leave him and when I try to comfort myself I think I’m in denial. It’s a horrible spiral and I don’t know how to help get myself out of it and love my boyfriend the best I can.