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the NOCD Community

contemplated whether or not i should post this a few times but ultimately i decided why not. this is pretty much just a yap session so feel free to completely skip this if you don’t want to read me complaining. apologies since my last few posts have been like this, i just have a lot on my mind. sooo i’m kinda fucked at the moment. i have like $15 to my name right now. mostly because i’ve just been spending money willy nilly and thinking nothing of it since i don’t really have bills other than a car payment. but now i literally can’t pay for my therapy. i have two separate therapists, a talk therapist and an ocd specialist, and i also have an appointment with someone soon to talk about autism testing. i’ve needed glasses for a couple months and i cant afford them now. i have to ask my parents to pay and that’s something i really didn’t want to ever have to do for my therapy because i feel like i’m burdening them already by still living with them and living on their insurance. they’re already scraping by as is and i wish i could help more. i mean i have a job and everything but i only get paid every other week and i’ve been using my student loan money and grants to get me by. i feel selfish for having spent my money on useless crap and then not doing much of anything around the home. the u.s. (and especially red states like where i live) are notoriously shitty when it comes to healthcare and whatnot. like a literally consultation appointment might break my bank. and on top of that i’m still in college and have plenty of classes to go, books to buy, and money to waste on something that i’m not even entirely sure will be fully worth it in the end, and i just found out i’m going to be there for a semester longer than anticipated. i’m so upset because i feel like at 20 i should be smarter with my money and just have my shit together. it’s also just embarrassing to spend so much money on mental health care, especially when it’s so stigmatized. like what’s wrong with me to need so much therapy and so much testing. i know that i’d probably lose my mind without therapy but i don’t know if i can afford it right now, which sucks because i was just starting with erp and already feeling good about it. i guess on a more serious note, i really wish that the state of the world wasn’t what it is now, not that it’s ever been necessarily good but still. being mentally ill in this economy literally just isn’t sustainable because its treated like a fault on our parts. and then we wonder why so many terrible things happen to/involving people that are so clearly mentally ill and aren’t able to get the help they need. we’re told our enemies are people in unfortunate positions who need assistance and not the ghouls consistently leeching off of vulnerable people. it breaks my heart and fills me with rage that people suffer so much because we live in a country that thinks basic needs and care aren’t rights worth upholding. i recognize i’m already in a position of immense privilege to have access to this care and not need it entirely to live but even in middle class, middle america, it’s hard. i’m not gonna go on to write a whole manifesto here but fuck it all feels a little hopeless at the moment.

Recently, ocd attached itself to my boundaries and preferences making me atuck in a cycle of “is this mine or iis it aomeone else’s boundary/preference because I do not want to disappoint them?” I came to final conclusion that hey this is both me and the external factor. So boundary/preference is mine (I talked with chat gbt about this to sort mt thoughts). And basically I tried imagining being with a man who is opposite of my preference and man…I couldn’t. It either went to consequences of someone not accepting (external factor) but I genuinely tried imagining myself with that kind of a man in a relationship without any consequences and I couldn’t. Like I just couldn’t. I tried but I couldn’t. I would either stop the imaginary story real quick or I would feel my body just reacting as a no. So it is a no. And that is how I came to conclusion that this is mine boundary/preference that comes from me not wanting and just agreeing to the external factors. I guess I am just trying to make sure that this makes sense why not. Also, I feel the best (like safest, most good) with setting this boundary/preference. Not setting it feels…no. Just no. I don’t feel good or safe with it (safe as in comfortable and good). Also, I compared it to other times when I wanted something but I was afraid of rejection too, I remember wanting it and clearly being scared of the rejection. In this case, this is not the same. And that is how I also realized further that hey, I do jot actually want this. Also, this was an ocd obsession. Helped me learn new vocabulary and learn something about boundaries and that they can be made of many factors. However, the boundary/preference stayed the same. I do not actually want this.

Remembering some dumb stuff I have seen online or some dumb stuff I found and honestly I would say to someone else they mean nothing bad about that someone but my ocd is here “hmmm see evidence that you are a ped… or that you were one”. How do I deal with this?

Crazy how 4 months ago I didn’t remember any of the memories I worry ab now (esp the one I posted ab a couple of days ago) and now it’s all I can think about. I feel like i’m just in some serious denial, there’s too much proof. That memory just makes it even worse. Ik it’s been gone for years but i just want my attraction/libido back. Like FULLY back. Prior to SOOCD I would literally foam at the mouth looking at boy bands Ik that has to mean something 😭. I found my boyfriend attractive before the numbness and ocd took over again. I’m just so tired. I hope the meds make things easier for me. I’m so worried that I’ll have to breakup with my bf if this continues. I was looking forward to this relationship but now I feel like a liar, esp bc of how ocd messed with me in the beginning of it. It makes me feel like I never truly liked him. He doesn’t deserve someone like me. He deserves someone completely sure about who they are and their feelings/attraction for him. If it ends up getting to a point where I can’t get better, and I feel like I need to breakup with him, I’m afraid he won’t even want to be my friend afterwards. I really do cherish the friendship we have/had. He’s literally the only person who stuck by me. He would remember my birthday and bring me gifts even when we would rarely talk bc of school (mostly depression for me I’m bad at texting ppl). He would go out of his way to call me EVEN when I was mean to him for a while (not an excuse but I was v depressed and wanted to be left alone). Everything just haunts me now. What happened in that memory wasn’t normal for a straight girl😭but i know for a fact I never was attracted to my friend. She was my best friend at the time, and I knew her since elementary school, but I never felt those crush feelings for her. Like being with her in a romantic way or doing ANYTHING with her had never crossed my mind, even AFTER that whole tingly groinal response incident. I just remember being confused, uncomfortable, and scared because I literally felt nothing for her in that way. I don’t know if it was bc I was uncomfortable, focusing on the fact that she was sitting on my groin, had an image pop up in my head (cant rmbr exactly), felt pressure on my groin, if it was my undiagnosed OCD mind at work (i did had some weird random groinal responses w other things), or that I thought the position was sexual and was just stiff and weirded out, but I just want it to leave me alone 😭. When SOOCD was giving me a break I literally felt almost cured, I just needed my attraction and libido back. My boyfriend started waking it up again. But even then I was still numb and my compulsions/ocd was still clawing for control, making me feel nothing sometimes. Now that my attraction is numbed/dulled towards my bf I just feel frustrated. There’s times like today where I can feel it for like a couple seconds n my mind ks back in numb mode. He sent me pictures and I felt a dull “oh he’s cute” but it lasted for a minute bc I felt so aware (if that makes sense). Then I started to get thoughts about “forcing” those feelings. I just don’t know anymore. All ik is that my prozac BETTER work so I can have an easier time following through on my erp. I need a break…6 years and this shit is still not over.

Yesterday, I tried to report something based on a memory I had of the person sexualising characters from Scooby Doo who I didn't realise where underage at the time I saw it, twitter didn't seem to accept the report despite multiple attempts and I never got confirmation from the IWF that the report went through so I waited until today to see if it was just delayed but again, nothing, so I tried to report them again but it still didn't work so I reported them through another catergory on twitter that requires examples, I didn't want to do this but I didn't want them to get away with it so I copy and pasted some of their posts but they were mostly things that I may have been being paranoid about until a really disgusting one, so I copy and pasted that one and reported them (And reported them to the IWF again just in case) but I didn't realise their depravity would go that far and my brain is convincing me I had a groinal response to it and what if I did? I know it's an OCD thing but I'm scared that if I have a groinal response to those disgusting things that's like the bar where it stops being that and becomes something real I've been freaking out about how sometimes after my reporting compulsion I want to feel normal and destress and so check my attraction to porn and sometimes it leads to a masturbation compulsion to relieve stress despite me not feeling any attraction and my OCD was trying to tell me it was immediately after and I was freaking out but then something kind of clicked and I realised that's not happened (Or at least I don't think so) and I can't tell if it was a false memory/warped memory or not or if I am just convincing myself of this now because I don't want it to be true, I don't know which is true but the "epiphany" fits more but again what if that's because I want it to EDIT: I don't only report things related to my theme I also reported a lot of people for objectifying celebrities. Also when I say after I don't mean immediately I just mean the same day but I don't remember how soon which scares me. I was checking people's following again and noticed a dogwhistle in someone's bio but was concerned I was just being paranoid so I clicked on their profile and their pinned post was their accounts on other sites and an image of some animal character that looked kinda young but it wasn't anything bad so I still wasn't sure so I scrolled down slightly more and saw that they reposted a disgusting drawing, I reported all the accounts and left but my OCD is trying to convince me that I wanted to see these things

I’ve had OCD since I was nine, diagnosed along with several other things because of co-morbidity. I always associated my OCD with order and symmetry, and any other “problematic” thoughts were categorized in my brain as part of my anxiety. I am recently learning that all of the internal/mental issues I’ve been facing: intrusive thoughts, doubts, reviewing every action, word, or thought I’ve ever had, health fears, morality, the constant compulsive apologies for absolutely nothing, etc. are also related to my OCD and not just my anxiety. My reaction to that was to laugh and for once be glad that I have no original thoughts, because it proves I’m not alone or absolutely losing it. Reading through the articles on this platform has given me so much peace that I am not broken. OCD can feel so incredibly isolating because you are gaslit by your own brain constantly, and terrified that nobody will understand you, so why bother trying? I’m also deeply frustrated that nobody ever warned me about this. I’ve been seeing neurologists since I was a child, and not once did anyone ever think to mention I might experience all this one day. I’ve spent years forming my mind into something I can navigate if I just stay on my game all the time. I’m mentally exhausted from walking through the maze everyday, avoiding the traps and triggers, and trying to get out unscathed. I have learned how to talk myself down and argue my way out of my own panic attacks and use any form of logic I can to stay grounded and not topple my brain and my ideas of who I am. I function through all my fears and worries, to the point where, when I bring myself to disclose even a small part of what happens in my brain to others, they ask me how I’m able to get up in the morning. It’s completely draining and I’ve built it up to this level because I believed this is what I had to do to survive, since none of this could possibly be normal. It was never mentioned by my doctors and never addressed by my therapists, so it has to be something I need to cope through alone, right? I never considered that it was something I needed more help for, something that could be helped. I recently started therapy again, and I was so done with all of this that I just charged forward and disclosed everything that happens in my brain immediately, and it was such a great weight lifted off me when she accepted me as I am and told me that there is nothing “wrong” with me. She gave me scary, thought-provoking homework and a long list of things to try and work on, but no judgement, so we’ll take it. I am sure there are other people like me, who have spent years coping in this tiring methodical way because they didn’t know anything different, and I guess I just wanted to share in case it helps anyone. Reading through everyone’s posts has helped me immensely.

So I want to go back to college to study my major because it's better than me waiting to do something that is a next bit step in my life career wise but I'm terrified because of something that happened unfortunately by accident when I was there. When one of my classes for the day came to an end, I was getting ready to leave and packing my bag. Someone was approaching from behind me and I know they would be, but I also had to zip up my bag. While doing that my elbow was sticking out. In my head, I was getting thoughts that I should tuck my arm in because something bad was going to happen if I didn't and I would regret it but I wanted to do the opposite and prove that thought wrong because I was sick of having intrusive, obsessive thoughts constantly controlling what I would do. So I did the opposite of what the thought said and didn't tuck my arm in but then the worst outcome indeed did happen. I felt my elbow touch that person's rear as they passed by and then it was very very awkward to the point where I couldn't say anything. Then I remember leaving class and in my head I knew it was an accident but then by the time I got to the stairs, then came this debilitating, terrible, awful anxiety that was saying I did that on purpose and that I liked it and wanted to do that. And for weeks after that, my anxiety got so bad I couldn't continue doing classes so I took a break. This happened two years ago and it's still bothering me a ton. I remember how mentally drained, exhausted, and scared I was when those thoughts and feelings showed up and I just couldn't do anything. I remember being in bed for an entire day because this just broke my mind so badly. I also remember the day after that I made 100% sure that I would tuck my arm and made sure no contact was made. I just can't get passed this and I'm terrified that this is sexual assault and it makes me a sex offender

Does anyone have a specific fear that feels too real? that it’s painful? I have been struggling with false memory OCD for almost 3 months, and this current thought that my brain has latched onto 4 days ago is the worst thought I have ever dealt with in my OCD. I am having constant breakdowns, it’s hard to sleep and find my appetite. I just keep feeling feelings throughout my body that make the thought feel like it does exist and that it is real. It’s worse especially if you deleted an old account that you can access anymore (which I did) and the thought has to do with “What if I sexted or flirted with someone and forgot?” Or “What if I sent or posted an explicit picture of myself on there and forgot?” I’m terrified. My body feels like it’s in panic mode and I keep getting scared that these feelings I have of guilt, anxiety, panic and worry means that it did happen. My OCD is trying so hard to convince me it did happen and I’m starting to believe it. I love my fiancé and the thought of this being true makes me feel like I’m the worst person ever. I wish I could just remember everything and say “No I would never do that, I know what happened and I’m not letting my brain tell me otherwise.” OCD is so convincing it feels like I can’t trust myself, and now I can’t even remember the memories about it at all because I thought about it so much. I hate thisss, I’m going to be trying to find a therapist soon.. but I’m starting to feel convinced it did happen and that I just blocked the memory out and that I’m just an awful person. The flashes and visuals I see of me committing the act make it so much worse, I’m genuinely terrified and i dont know what to do at this point. I know I’ve posted about this story a lot and I am doing my best to not ask for reassurance, but I know a lot of people deal with this theme, but I wanted to know if anyone has a theme like this that specifically deals with something along the lines of my story.

I was prescribed prozac almost a month ago and haven’t taken it bc i’ve been scared. I don’t know the best way to describe it but taking medication gives me a contaminated/tainted feeling. It makes me feel like my body will never be the same and I always worry about if it will give me diseases in the future or bad side effects. But now i’ve decided to “rip the bandaid off” and take it in the morning. I was daydreaming in the shower about finally being happy, having success with ERP, enjoying my relationship, getting all my feelings back (ESP my attraction and libido), reconnecting with friends, mending my relationships with my siblings, and living the life I’ve always wanted. Of course immediately after I started to think of the worst outcomes and things going bad for me, but I’m just going to take the chance. I’m not feeling very optimistic bc usually things never go how I hope 😀. I also understand that it takes a while to find the right dose/meds or to feel the effects. But I really really REALLY hope this works out for me. If not i’ll be back here to complain ab it.

I just want to know if it gets better and how I can get it to get better. I’ve always struggled with OCD. I am in my very first healthy happy relationship and it was going so perfect. Then one day out of nowhere my ocd brain threw the thought “do you love your boyfriend” in my head. Ever since then, the last 3 weeks, I have been literally sick to my stomach with anxiety. I am having trouble getting out of bed and I am having anxiety attacks. I know I love my boyfriend and he is so supportive of my mental health journey, but it’s like I’ve been in this spiral of anxiety and intrusive thoughts every waking minute for the last few weeks that I don’t even know what’s intrusive thoughts or my real thoughts anymore. I know I love him it’s just the ocd thoughts have been so loud lately. When I’m with him I am totally fine, but the minute I am alone my head is spinning. Can somebody please tell me coping skills they used to get through this time and tell me how to get back to my old self. Has anyone else ever experienced this? Seeking help :(

I have been with my boyfriend for well over 3 years. I didn’t develop these unwanted thoughts until last December, so almost a year ago, and they have been plaguing me since. We have such an amazing relationship. We have the same values, he respects me, and I know I love him. The past few days have been extremely rough on me. I have felt completely disconnected and almost numb. I say almost because sometimes when we’re eating and I lose track for a minute, I feel happy. But then, my mind says that I’m just faking my emotions. Anyways, i was confessing to my boyfriend today about my current struggles and he asked me out loud “do you love me?” I said yes and then he asked “do you want to break up with me” because I had told him that was one of my thoughts. I said no, but ever since then I feel extremely guilty because I’m scared if it was a lie. I feel so guilty for not knowing whether or not I want to stay. I had an immense break-up urge because of this while we were having dinner to where all I could do was argue with myself on whether or not I “wanted” to be with him. I couldn’t stop from crying and it was kind of hard to breathe. Is this a common obsession for anyone? Is this ROCD? My newest therapist said that she does believe I am experiencing ROCD, but I’m scared it’s not, and it’s just me losing feelings and love for him. Is it common to obsess over if you want to break up or not? I think deep down I truly don’t because I know we have made an amazing relationship that doesn’t have any external bad things going on. In fact, I very very much wanted to marry him before all of this happened. It is just all in my head and in my feelings. Is this a common thing to obsess over?

Back in 2020 I was heavily online and met a bunch of people. I did and said stuff I regret and it weighs on me like a rock pulling me into the ocean. I have since disappeared from social media & anything connecting me to my previous online persona and have heavily discovered growth. I am no longer the person I was and have no intention of ever being that person again. In May of this year, 5 years after the fact.. I started seeing things on social media that made my brain go absolutely ape sh*t. The idea of people from my past resurrecting this bad version of me has been weighing on me. I have no connection with the people I used to be around, or even the people I hurt. Partly because I wanted to work on myself to be a better person and never make those mistakes again.. which I believe I have. And also because the way people act now, even if you apologize they blast you all over social media and now random people are attacking you. I accept & admit my wrongs even if the people I’ve wronged can’t see that. I accept and admit my growth even if they’ll never know.. So how do I stop my brain from ruminating? How do I get back to where I was previously where I wasn’t thinking about my past and get back into the present? I don’t even want to be on social media because it’s like everyone has made it miserable with just over sharing every thing that’s happened to them. I just want to go back to being out of my head and back in the present.

Vent / Storytime In 2023, I had a panic attack while I was at work. It came on for no apparent reason, and even 2 years later, I still can’t place why I went from feeling perfectly normal to shaking on the ground of the break room while my coworker stood over me asking if she needed to call for an ambulance. After this incident, I became terrified of leaving my house out of the fear I’d have another one of these panic attacks in public, and my OCD was at an all time high. I could barely eat, I didn’t sleep, I just sat in my apartment all-consumed with fear worrying about when another one of these harrowing panic attacks were going to hit me. Up until this point I’d been a very extroverted person! I jumped at the opportunity to do anything! I’d do spontaneous multi-hour road trips with friends, go to local events at the drop of a hat, was itching for vacations and get-aways, and always accepted invites to just go out and do something!!! But this one panic attack on an April afternoon completely upended this for me. I didn’t want to go anywhere anymore. Everything felt so scary and uncertain to me now, and having to deviate from the control I felt over being in my home was like a fate worse than death. (I was also haunted by the fact that I was very quickly running out of sick days for my job). It felt like OCD had completely taken over my life, and that all of my freedom had been stripped from me. I turned down plans that the old-me would’ve gone and done without question, I stopped seeing my friends, and when I eventually had to go back to work, my anxiety was so high that I was barely functional, and my hours were cut short. Months passed like this, and I eventually concluded that I needed to make a change and actually fight back against my OCD instead of enabling it. But now, 2 years later, I still feel like I’m at square one with this call-to-action. I’ve been going back out with friends, but it still feels as scary and anxiety-inducing as it did in the beginning. My heart races going to new places, sitting in someone else’s car makes me feel like I’m gonna faint, and most of the time I wish I would’ve just cancelled. I never do, and I keep pushing through. I still go to events when friends invite me to, I make an effort to go shopping or do things just for the hell of it, but that OCD demon is still there poking at my brain matter and making me feel like I’ll have a life ruining panic attack if I even TRY going to something like a concert or a college football game. I just hate that living feels like exposure therapy now. That the simple act of going outside feels like a trial and something I’ll overthink; rather than something I actually enjoy. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to be free. I want to be the version of myself I was before the incident. I want to do things without being afraid. I WANT TO LIVE!!! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!

has anyone shared details of your intrusive thoughts with friends or family. i have harm ocd and i told my roomates that shows about serial killers trigger me because i have a fear of being a psychopath or crazy person. they said to me “you shouldn’t have said that now im scared” and now im freaked out because they’re scared of me. this is further playing into my ocd that maybe i am crazy and now i regret so heavily having told them anything about it. i feel horrible about myself and they made jokes like “im living with a psychopath”. these are my best friends of all time and i know they support me but i just wish that was something i kept to myself. any help??

I was at the gym and got really triggered by a lot of the hot guys there. I just felt bad; I feel bad about my body not being where I want it to be yet, I constantly compare myself. Being a gay male I often compare myself to others especially on social media. I want to be an OnlyFans star at some point and i really look up to and envy the lives and bodies of many people on social media. But i feel that my envy and desire to be perfect is what is holding me back; I get so defeated just thinking about the amount of work and time I have to put in to get where I want to be. I feel alone. It is so much easier to just sit under my cover and watch youtube or play video games. Even showering feels like too much sometimes. I go down rabbit holes on social media that I don't know how i feel about. Sometimes I start reading and considering right wing content, like Nick Fuentes or other propaganda. I also jack off to some questionable content (its legal, but causes me shame unfortunately) and sometimes doubt whether or not it is just a kink or means something more about my identity. I feel less extreme and socially justice focused these days and maybe that worries me? Maybe I have a fear of being cancelled? I don't know. Maybe it's cause some of my close friends are conservative or maybe it's that I look up to my parents a lot and they have different political beliefs than what I do (or did). I don't like feeling that rift with my family, and I don't think that having different opinions should cause a rift. I also question how much of my beliefs are from my OCD and fear mongering, and what do i truly believe? I feel I am supposed to think a certain way because I am gay, but that sentiment doesn't sit right with me. I just wish I didn't overthink everything all the time. Sorry if this post is TMI but I am a mess and i think talking in hypotheticals does not help others understand how my OCD is affecting me. I just want to focus on going to gym and taking care of myself day to day, but i seem to be getting triggered by SO MUCH lately. I feel like I cannot be myself because my brain constantly tells me I'm wrong or I can't think a certain way or do certain things. I'm a freaking mess!!!!

Has journaling helped anyone cope with their symptoms of pure “o”? No matter the theme

For everyone who’s improving, and conquering their OCD….. on days you felt helpless, scared or guilty. What did you do to help get through that?

For about a month or so I’ve been dealing with some on and off health-related symptoms. Of course, I went down the Dr. Google rabbit hole and completely freaked myself out — I’ve now managed to convince myself at different points that I’ve had colon cancer, ovarian cancer, and Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Over the past few weeks, I’ve gotten both an endoscopy and a colonoscopy, which came back pretty clean besides a few minor things. Lately though, my mind seems to have attached to the idea of Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I don’t have any swollen lymph nodes, but I was experiencing some night sweats, and now I feel like I have itchy skin — though part of me wonders if that’s just because I read it’s a symptom. My anxiety has been through the roof and it’s honestly all I can think about. I’ve also had some neck and back pain that comes and goes — it was pretty consistent for a couple of weeks, but I’ve noticed that when my anxiety isn’t as bad, the pain eases up too. My question is, has anyone else ever experienced physical symptoms that seemed tied to anxiety or worry? I’ve already had an abdominal ultrasound of all my main organs and clean blood work, and I’m going for an MRI later this week. I think that will give me some peace of mind, but right now I just feel stuck in my head. Also, if anyone has any advice or tips on how to heal from the fear of cancer, I would really appreciate it. This is pretty new for me — I’ve always had some mild health anxiety or OCD tendencies, but this constant, debilitating fear that something serious is wrong has really taken over and put a damper on my life.

So, I've had a bit of a journey in OCD recovery and pushed a lot of limits with experiments I've done to see what works and what doesn't. This includes things such as diet, exercise, ERP not just for my compulsions but even small things that pop into mind. I did all that, because I wanted to not be another statistic of how people with OCD don't get better. The stats are crap, and I decided that's not for me. I had ocd undiagnosed for about 26 years following a childhood trauma, and it was reinforced by the way i was raised with an extreme black and white mindset, and subsequent traumas. When i found out I had ocd, after trying to figure out what was wrong, i got to work with a therapist. I got better, i got worse, i got better etc. I was in the mindset of curing OCD even though there is no known one. Just because something hasn't been done before, doesn't mean it can't be done. I pushed myself so hard with my experiments to not just benefit me, but this community and others I know in person. I wanted to show you what works and what doesn't. Earlier this year I pushed myself so hard with an experiment I was messing around with that i ended up developing psychosis and having a psychotic episode. This by the way, is 100 times worse than any exposure, and ERP is not what caused this (just a disclaimer). I ended up having this episode and it was intertwined with what I can describe as mystical experiences, some of which weren't hallucinations or delusions and actually had witnesses other than myself. This period of my life was incredibly difficult for me and my family. I was fortunate enough to have family look after me rather than being hospitalised. As horrible as all this was, I got better. Through that episode i healed from every trauma I ever had without therapy at this time, and haven't had a single symptom of OCD since. Now the reason I'm saying goodbye reluctantly (maybe for now), is because of responses I've had to a few of my posts. I understand that all of you are having your issues, but when someome is VOLUNTEERING their personal time to help you out and all you can do is pick apart that help or get stuck on some negativity bias, it is really difficult to want to continue trying to help you. I dont do this for ego, i dont do it for validation, and i damn well don't do it to be criticised. I don't feel comfortable having everything I learnt on my journey undermined. So while I'm confident I'm not at risk of relapsing with my ocd, that doesn't mean I don't get upset with all the negativity and get stressed. I hope this is considered next time when someone is only trying to help. You are all worthy of it despite your thoughts, your fears and your past. Good bye for now

Something that throws my mood away a lot when it isn't about OCD are these two things. I'm constantly to thinking about what other people have that I don't even though I have so many things, yet I don't focus on those things when I need to. I also focus on my negative inner voice that feels like a combination of what negative people have told me over the course of my life rather than people actually saying these things in real time. It's like my inner voice has been hurt and it regurgitates what other people have told me. I then play those negative statements in my head time and time again. Looking back, when it comes to school, I think I've always felt "behind" compared to other people one way or another. One way could be socializing, the niche things I'm interested in, struggling to make friends, and having my slapstick humor be used against me for being judged harshly. For some reason that hurt a lot and I just never seemed to have let go of it. It also piles onto other things that I don't think I should be doing and then I ridicule myself for those things all in my head. It feels like I've forgotten how to just be NICE to myself for once.