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the NOCD Community

I used to say my ex best friend was my soulmate as a joke but it’s true that I haven’t had a friend I’ve been that close to again so I’m scared I liked her because this is how a lot of women felt when they realized they had crushes. But I hate the idea of kissing her or doing stuff with her or developing a romantic connection, it seems fine but there’s no longing something just doesn’t feel right about it. Sometimes I wish I could disappear (not in a worrisome way, just to not have to think anymore) and not exist, this is too painful and uncomfortable.

Okay everyone last post of the day honestly. I just need help. I’ve been feeling better and wanted to basically experiment with my hair buying wigs. Here’s the thing, I decided on synthetic because i believe it’s more humane i just found one who’s texture i love but its called Dominica which im assuming is a play on words for saying this texture is supposed to imitate that of people from the Dominican Republic. Only thing I is i was romantically involved with a guy and while i was talking to him he was still very close to his ex (who was if I remember correctly from the DR). The romantic encounters end with that guy brought on my worst and longest bought of ocd and idk i think i get triggered when i see someone or something from the DR. Now im questioning if im buying this hair to look like her out of jealousy or self hate and am wondering now if every wig i bought was because i was trying to be someone else and wasn’t loving myself. Not a nice feeling at all…. Help? I never really even saw this woman. But in the picture i think i saw of her the texture of her hair, I believe was even different from the hair/wig i wanted to buy but does that even matter? Idk. Just bringing in context. Also just want to say thank you to this community for being here for me lately so much i appreciate it 😊.

Okay so i have a lot to say and i know if even one of you reads this i wont feel alone… pls read if you can i would be grateful 1. So i have soocd and I don’t know if I believe it. Somedays i am good don’t feel like i have it at all and then there are days when i am miserable. 2. While i was with a friend recently she said in a very joking way that you have never really had a bf just accept it you’re a lesbian and that put me in a spot i smiles and took it as a joke but it got me thinking she could be right I haven’t liked a guy in so long what could that mean?!? I didn’t have a problem with her saying it and I don’t know what to think of it but with every thought after that i have gone back to this and thought what if this was right… 3. So people i see on the internet getting to know what they really were later in life what if that happens with me?!! What if I actually get whatever realisation it is later what would i do then and if i am thinking of this possibility then there might be some truth in it?!? For me to even think of it in the first place.. 4. I read a comment on this platform that with soocd you just never think of coming out and I didn’t too but then i had this anxiety strike when i felt like i was going to tell my mom or my friends about it but i felt like why would i ?!? Would i be lying if i do?!? What if i am not?!? It felt too real and is that some sign cause that’s opposite of what one with soocd would do… 5. A question which constantly is there is just cause we haven’t been put in a situation like that we don’t know it what if we are and we like it and then what?!? All of this would mean a lie… 6. Friends who are straight and have kissed the same sex feel no anxiety nothing are okay with it what if our anxiety with these thoughts means they actually are true cause why else would we be so bothered with them what could be the reason it could be true but just us being scared because people without this are easy going and which just like in a way proves that we are scared and that’s why we are so bothered…. 7. My past same sex childhood experiences haven’t been a help either what if i was always a bi and now just transforming into a like completely liking the same sex and why was that easy for me to write… what if i never liked guys and all that was fake… what am i supposed to do 8. Sometimes i feel i fake all of it like i saw a girl with a septum piercing and short hair and i was like looking at her and staring and idk if it was my soocd telling me she’s cute would be my type?!? But why would i even think that in the first place…. And then it was like i wanted it to be fake so i just kept reminding myself of thinking about it forcefully so its like soocd and not denial and why would i do that why did that feel so real and so fake at the same time.. its so messed up.. 9. A video on reel o saw of this girl in an all girls school and her parents sent her to stay away from boys but jokes on then cause she is not straight and i was like what if i was put in that position and there are people with soocd who think we never do that but then why do i think i would and would i be okay with it or is it my soocd making me feel so but it should make me feel the opposite.. like i should try to run away from it… 10. And like i said why would i keep noticing when it should be trigger and i should avoid it or switch it off like I don’t understand what am I supposed to to…even when i pray that i am over all of this i feel its always so fake do i even want it to be will I accept this in the near future what do i do… Lastly i just don’t know what to do or where to go from here i always feel like i am faking this and using soocd as a mode of escapism. Sometimes i think I don’t have it altogether cause the feeling of all these feelings being are so real and denial I don’t know what to trust..I don’t know if you guys will relate to me but if you do ig you’re not alone…

Does anyone have ocd about what the vaccine could have done to their body? This isn’t an anti vax vs vax post. It’s more about the hypochondria ocd of constantly worrying about your body/health. I even wonder if the vaccine is changing chemicals in my brain. I obsess about it. Now after having it, I obsess about wondering if any health issue is related. I was damned if I do damned if I don’t during this pandemic as a hypochondriac and I felt so judged by everyone on both sides of the issue. Anyone else like this? Health ocd is no joke. I got the vaccine out of pressure from family but I knew it would swing me into an OCD spell. It sure enough did. They don’t understand because they don’t have OCD. They just feel good about getting vaccinated. I truly wish I could too 😞. Any encouragement would be appreciated!

Anyone think that maybe some of us are just too far gone I’m serious don’t sugar coat like no matter what you do your doomed to become homeless can’t keep a job can’t have confidence can’t find yourself it’s like once you’re this low it’s hard to pull yourself up because it looks like everyone around you is able to at least keep there head up and have confidence most days I don’t even want to wake up

I feel isolated in the OCD community sometimes…… outside of this app absolutely NO ONE recognizes anything that isn’t numbers, objects, or germs. In fact, to some people it’s laughable to mention harm, SO ocd, rocd etc. they think just because they can’t see the illness in action, that it simply doesn’t exist. I’m sick of it. I and many others who suffer from this type has never given a fuck about numbers, germs, perfectionism- so why is it the ONLY poster child of this illness??? Why does it only contain 3 forms of representation?? Makes me feel even worse and doubtful of my illness….

Okay so just wanted to share that I’ve stopped acting on my ocd compulsions as I can honestly say that I feel like myself again. Yes I may still get triggered but it’s nothing as bad as before. I feel confident and like I don’t really care as much if my fear were to happen. It’s life and I am accepting that I have no control anymore and that I am simply a vulnerable person who can be hurt ☺️

Can people talk about how they do exposures with ROCD? I feel like my compulsions can be hard to pinpoint, so I don’t always know what to avoid. I definitely do a lot of ruminating, googling (which is clearer cut to avoid), and checking to see if I feel enough love, comparing to perceptions of other relationships, etc. But it’s hard sometime to tell if a compulsion is happening. Any tips friends?

Having a day and that’s okay. Going to try on wedding dresses anyway.

Please help, rocd is back My rocd is back again. So I and my ex broke up about 3 months ago and I realised that I didn't really like him and liked him somehow, it was more an obsession and ignoring red flags yk, I didn't rlly want to be intimate w him but I basically forced myself for a lot of things because somehow he raised my self esteem and at the moment I couldn't let him go because he showed me so much "my worth". But also I felt something but I really didn't know what because it was a mess of thoughts and I overthought everything. I know, it's shitty and I realise that, but I've learned from it. The other day I met this amazing guy, no red flags, incredibly a good match, has good values and values like mine, lots of common things but I can't stop obsessing about "what if this happens again, what if deep down I'm forcing it again, what if I can feel more attracted to someone else?" Comparing my attraction and feelings for him towards other guys all the time, researching about it and like, I'm getting to know him but I'm really liking his personality and I'm reallyyyy attracted to him even thought I know there's prettier guys but I don't know. Like what if I lose feelings, what if I don't really like him like I can't just chill about this. And I also don't want to get hurt again like.. And I don't think about him all the time, I'm just more of as interested I DONT KNOW. Another thing that happens is that whenever a guy actually cares and shows interest in me, I don't get as interested or obsessed as before, and also, since 9th grade I don't have those silly crushes and overall, I feel that somehow I'm uncapable to completely chill in love and go with the flow because of my ocd thoughts or maybe I just don't like guys. I don't know what's going, I just wanted to chill :(

Is wanting to purposefully hurt yourself to get out the stress or guilt of doing something incorrectly something anybody else experiences? I would think harm ocd but isn't that just the fear of doing it to other people? So maybe it's my real event. But I don't want to hurt myself, I feel like I have to or problems do not get resolved and I'm in the wrong, no matter how minor it is. I even relapsed with these thoughts because I left food out overnight and my boyfriend got understandably mad. I've seriously been struggling going without traditionial self harm these past few months and it feels like something is missing, and if I do feel some kind of pain it will "go away". It's starting to feel like a ritual but I don't know what it would be. The thought of using a belt to whip myself is getting a lot more intense by the day but I know if I act on it my boyfriend will be able to tell, I'm assuming it would leave marks. I've always been this way before, very submissive in personality and feeling like I need to be punished, even prior to the abusive relationship I was in years ago. Is this actually ocd too or an excuse for my previous addiction to self harm??

Seeing other feminine women deciding to be a man or a masculine women on tik tok is triggering me. I feel like I’m turning in one of them I fucking hate it

I feel like I really can’t share my thoughts with my therapist, including real events (evil/twisted things I’ve done). It’s really not helpful to hear (“you can tell your therapist anything” or “it doesn’t do any good to keep things from them” or “they only want to help you”) because I honestly feel like I can’t in the moment and they’re too evil. Like when I’m in session I can’t even get a word out without screaming and/or shutting down. But I know these things have a major grip on me and I need to say something.Any tips?? I feel like I’m wasting my time and my therapists time and resources but I’m really, really trying

Vent: I wish SOOCD was better understood. Even on this app. It feels horrible when people invalidate the thoughts or question them. “There’s nothing to be scared of” “there’s nothing wrong with being ______” Of course there’s nothing scary or wrong about loving who you love. BUT Feeling like losing a part of your identity is scary. Possible judgement is scary. Losing a partner is scary. We have core fears that honestly have nothing to do with sexuality, it’s just what our OCD chose to fixate on. It’s so exhausting explaining it and having people give unsolicited comments and “advice” regarding this theme when they don’t understand.

Hi everyone. Just wanted to hop on here to let you know that recovery is possible. At my lowest I really did not believe that, But it really is possible. I’ve struggled with ROCD obsessive thoughts for almost 4 months now. Rumination, googling, & reassurance kept me in the continuous loop. I thought by pushing the thoughts & fears away it would help but it only made it so much worse and the thoughts were CONSTANT. I cried everyday, lost 20 pounds, started failing exams in school, nauseous 24/7, could not sleep for the life of me. Constantly in an anxious fear state. I felt detached from my own body and could t feel anything. I was scared that I was going to lose my boyfriend because of my ROCD. I’m living proof that it does get better and you are strong enough to overcome OCD. Please feel free to reach out if you need any advice or support. I still have a long way to go but I’m definitely in a better place than I was !! We are not our thoughts !!!!

Struggling with a moral dilemma - I really want to have kids eventually, but I also have OCD. Even though my experience of the condition has been mild, I still wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and I would feel really bad if a child inherited it from me. I think this might be reassurance-seeking, but I can't tell. If it is, I'm sorry.

Why does harm ocd make you feel like you actually want to do bad things even thought you don’t? Especially when the anxiety is not their. Even though I’m diagnosed with ocd it makes me doubt if I ever have ocd. Any tips for sitting with the uncertainty especially with themes this horrible like harm ocd?

Anyone here struggle with OCD with things on social media? Like obsessing over things you observe such as certain online behaviors of others? If you feel comfortable sharing 🙏🏼

I have been on crisis mode for the past few days. Please share opinion if you can. I really need help on this. So as you are probably aware if you’ve seen my last posts, I was scared to touch my mom’s doorknob bc she is sick coughing and sneezing. I did an erp where I touched her room knobs and my room knobs and then rubbed it all over my covers and laid under them breathing in all the germs that I rubbed there. My biggest fear is spreading covid germs and being the reason that people die from it. I couldn’t take the guilt of doing the erp and the next day I asked my mom to do it thinking I can live with what I’ve done if my mom does it without feeling guilty. Instantly regretted it bc I made her use the main enterance doorknob. Which in my opinion is most contaminated of them all. So anyway, she did it and I felt twice as guilty to the point where I felt I needed to die. But my pastor talked me down. However, the next day I remembered that the day my mom did the exposure, she had to go into work using taxi and I had followed her because I had a hair appointment near her job. I had a funny feeling behind my nose as if I was coming down with a cold. But I still went. This is the part that I cannot get over. My biggest fear is killing people with covid and yet why did I go with my mom if I believed the risk of spreading the germs from the doorknobs would be doubled? I got tested for covid the next morning and thankfully I don’t have it. But why did I go to the city with my mom that day without being sure of anything?? Whether or not breathing germs from doorknob together will spread germs or whether or not my mom and I have covid? To be fair, my ocd has always made it seem like we are immune from covid and I can only give it to others outside my family. But why do I feel like I wasn’t thinking that way that day? And even if I was, what about the part where I believed my mom and I breathing in door knob germs could spread covid? And to make things worse, my boyfriend said he has a sore throat but I still went to see him that same day. Did I know in the back of my mind that it is just a regular cold? Or did I not care that whole night if I spread covid or not. I’m thinking that since (whether rational or not) I thought breathing the germs from the knobs and being with my mom increased the chance of spreading covid from the germs that got on us and in our lungs from the erp, I feel like I ignored that thought and went on the taxi anyway. My question is, why did I become so irresponsible and bad? I cannot forgive myself for this. It’s driving me insane and I’m once again feeling like dieing over it. No joke I am really questioning if I can continue my life. Completely depressed and sobbing. What is wrong with me. Did I snap? I wasn’t sure about anything and yet I did something so irresponsible. Twice! Going with my mom in taxi to manhattan and going on an uber to long island city to see my sick boyfriend. I can’t forgive myself. What do I do? I made my boyfriend also get a covid test. I did rapid and also a pcr. The negative result for some reason doesn’t even matter to me. Why am I so irresponsible all of a sudden? Why am I a bad person all of a sudden. And can I ever forgive myself?

Doing exposure and the thoughts don’t bother me but something still feels “off” or “wrong” or “not right” is this normal? Is this what not doing compulsions feels like?