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I wrote this sobbing last night. Never written anything this easily - it literally poured out of me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had the feeling that my own actions could possibly save the lives of those I love. Whether it was my keeping my mom from dying in a tragic car accident and having a mental image of me staring at her casket flash in my mind or if it was keeping my brother safe from the boogeyman, I have always felt compelled to try something. If my actions, or what i later learned are compulsions can make a small difference and help keep someone safe, why would I not just walk back and check the light while counting to eleven three times in a row? It’s nonsensical. It’s illogical, but, yes, I still get these thoughts. It’s because I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD. My earliest obsession that I remember was about telling my little brother the same thing every night. He slept in the bunk bed above me and every night I would tell him “I love you. I have you have good dreams. Please know you can always talk to me about anything.” I said this to my brother ritually because my brain was telling me that if I didn’t my brother would die in his sleep and I’d never have the chance to tell him that. Or worse my brother would die and be mad at me, with me having no recourse to right my unsuspecting wrong prior to his unseemly and early demise. Again, it doesn’t make sense, but to a 9 year old it felt quite burdensome. Then came the religious aspect. It was around this time that I was exposed to Christianity and the idea of being saved. Through learning about the concept of heaven I was also taught that an inverse existed: hell. This would be my OCD’s playground for the next several years. I was taught the Lord’s Prayer and I felt that I had to say it a certain number of times each night in order for God to deem me, a lowly 9 year old sinner, as “worthy” of the kingdom. This number felt absolutely imperative that I complete the prayers otherwise I might die in my sleep and go to hell. So I stayed up and said the prayers over and over. To say the Lord’s Prayer over 100 times in an evening was exhausting for my brain. Then afterwards to have to convince myself that I had met my requisite demands and would be allowed into heaven. Then came puberty and picking my face. I had acne and I was extremely self conscious about it. I picked at my face and created scars only making things worse. I picked at my skin and would put paper clips under my fingernails because the pain allowed temporary relief. It was possibly to ease my mind because it was a distraction from the constant heavy stuff I was considering. This is also when the intrusive thoughts began to materialize and get worse. It would be near constant that when I was speaking with someone I would get strange sexual or violent intrusive thoughts. I had no desire to act on them and I was in fact utterly confused and disgusted by them. They only compounded my confusion - how could I, the person who just thought about pushing someone down the stairs or holding another dude’s hand, be worthy of heaven. It led me to question every sense of my being as a person. I didn’t have a foundation to question but I still felt more confused because these thoughts were coming from me, maybe I wasn’t worthy of heaven. Maybe I was even dangerous or worse a monster and needed to be kept away from people so that I didn’t cause pain. I didn’t know at the time that these strange violent or sexual thoughts were apart of my mental illness. A distressing prod from OCD followed by compulsions to pray or reassure myself about everything. My relationships in college included me constantly seeking reassurances from myself that my friends didn’t secretly hate me. I knew that it wasn’t normal because I was exhausted. I can remember thinking to myself why is nobody talking about this? And then I remember thinking, that I didn’t want to talk about it either because it involved weird, embarrassing or even taboo topics that my intrusive thoughts seized upon and weaponized my own worst fears against me. Amazing nobody wants to discuss that with their loved ones regularly. In law school, the pressure ratcheted up and I knew I wasn’t right with all the compulsions I had to do just to make it through the day. Between the mental aspects of dealing with absolute chaotic intrusive thoughts, reassuring myself i was a decent person and physical manifestations of compulsions like repeatedly checking my bottom floor apartment to ensure I hadn’t killed the 300 other tenants in the building - I was exhausted. Luckily, my then girlfriend now wife was able to make it through the mush that is my brain through sheer effort and love she convinced me to get help. I didn’t tell anyone but her and I remember hoping nobody recognized me as I walked in to see a psychiatrist. I’d like to say things got better there and I learned how to control things, but they didn’t necessarily get worse either. That’s one of the tricks that ocd plays on you. It makes you think you’re stuck in the middle of something and it’s incredibly daunting to make it out. You should just give up and give in to these compulsions rather than actually try to fight all this. I got married and had a child and became a lawyer all very quickly. It was a ton of change and my anxiety was heightened. Recently I’ve had debilitating panic attacks and have felt the a sense of terror surge though me that I have never felt before. My panic attacks can feel all consuming and physically manifest themselves with weird symptoms like my hands cramping from hyperventilating. I’m seeing a therapist and trying different medications to get the balance right. I know that I am less anxious when I practice self care. It’s a process that I’m trying to learn because for most of my adult life I’ve lived with this secret that I felt like was all my own. Nobody ever mentions this kind of suffering for obvious reasons and popular culture portrays ocd as a neat assigning of colors and rows. I believe if we talk about our struggles more openly and practice empathy with each other we can help people suffer less. I suffered silently for a long time because I was scared to death what people would think of me if they found out I was broken - but what I was unable to see was that there are others out there suffering too. We are stronger together if we talk about these things openly but it takes courage. I have debated on speaking out about my struggles for sometime but I read something recently and it cemented that I had to speak out. If I recover loudly maybe other won’t have to suffer silently. I believe if someone had spoken to me and told me this was a disorder in my brain, it could have saved me a lot of suffering. I want kids and teens to know that intrusive thoughts and ocd exist. If it means one less kid going to school tired from being up too late saying prayers then it is worth it. My pride is not more important than other people’s suffering. I’m in a position to speak out and positively impact people. If you or someone you love has OCD please know I’m walking this journey with you. I don’t have the answers but I do know we can beat this. Together.

TW 18+ I feel like I’m gonna die soon, whether it be by my own hand or some way somehow. I’m terrified rn, I don’t know what to do, I gave into a massive compulsion today and thought it would bring me peace but my false memories only got worse. I keep checking and asking and it does nothing. I asked Reddit for reassurance and while some did, I don’t know why or how, but some random spam accounts mentioned me on a post with a link, I didn’t see where it lead me to, but I reported and blocked the account. And now I’m paranoid I’m being watched and that I’m going to die soon, and a part of me wants that, nothing is ever going to better. I see that now, I’m not saying that about you guys, but I nothing will better, no matter what I do, nothing will be. I think I’ve finally reached that point

OCD & GAD & Panic Attacks My name is Marshall. I’ve had OCD my entire life and GAD as well. I believe I have a family history. However, I recently began experiencing severe & debilitating panic attacks. The intensity of the panic attacks is unlike anything I’ve felt before and included my face going numb, hands clawing inward, and other extremely uncomfortable symptoms of terror. Recently I was driving when this happened and I almost wrecked my car because I was having a panic attack. My hands began going numb and it became difficult to see straight. I luckily just passed a little blue H sign in a small town and walked into the ER. I told the nurse I was having a heart attack and basically passed out. I was told I had a severe panic attack but was medically okay including my heart. This should’ve made me feel better, but of course my ocd just twisted it and used it against me. I still have panic attacks and they’re excruciating. I’m trying to find the right balance of medication and therapy. I have noticed when I am stressed or don’t eat or don’t sleep enough I am more anxious and thus more likely to have a panic attack. I find that I’m avoiding doing things that may cause me any anxiousness to avoid a panic attack. I’ve read the studies and I don’t believe I’m dying but the intense terror response my body feels is difficult to describe in words. Often my OCD causes me to ruminate about something awful happening to people I love and it possibly being my fault. I will then mentally obsess over the situation and reassure myself that I’m a good person but sometimes the images associated with the intrusive thoughts are so disgusting to me I physically can’t take that any part of me whatsoever is associated with the noise spitting out of my brain. I am a former football player and I am competitive. I want to beat ocd but having bottled up these issues and basically treated myself through both healthy and unhealthy measures, I’ve come to realize I need help and that’s okay. I don’t want to suffer silently because I know there are others out there that are suffering similarly. If I recover loudly then maybe others won’t have to suffer silently. By no means do I have this under control but I love my life and don’t want this evil mental illness to consume me. I don’t want it to become the focal point of my marriage either. To know that others out there are suffering similarly means so much to me :) i hate that you have this too but I’m here with you. We’ve made it this far. I believe we are all beautifully flawed creatures that can help one another by exercising empathy and compassion. Fuck ocd

This is wat I’ve been trying to explain I have bout the bug spray on my carpet i would still feel this way if it was just a small amount and if it was something else besides bug spray my ocd has picked certain things that make me feel like they can cover entire places and be spread so if I touch my deodorant even deodorant at the store I have to wash my hands cause I feel if I don’t then it’ll spread if I scooted my deodorant across the floor I’ could literally see the line of contamination on the floor and it’s other things to I feel this way bout but obviously I handle these objects in small ways I’m not rubbing them everywere so when the guy sprayed he sprayed majority of the carpet and exposed me to alot all at once if he would’ve sprayed little areas like a couple times that would’ve been manageable I’ve been in a shocked state since Friday I’ve barely ate I’ve cried almost non stop my ears are ringing from not eating and getting lite headed over called everywere done everything to get out of here and get help and I’ve been denied doing exposures and responses are good in small amounts and you start low on your hiarchy this bug spray was like ripping a band aid off and being told watever ocd compulsion you need to do you can’t do them instead of starting off slow to learn you don’t need to do them it’s traumatizeing either way but less tramatizing the slower you go.

SOS pls. someone respond

if i am not my thoughts, who/what am i?

TW*** I dont know what to do, I really think im gay in denial and want to meet guys and do stuff. Hocd made me realize it, its giving me arousal and urges. Im literally unable to get out of bed and do things. I wake up and stay in bed glued to the phone until next morning, sleep, wake up, repeat. Its been like this for 4 months now What am I supposed to do man, Fml

Theses feelings feel… so real… I wanna cry…. It’s like I am living a nightmare… why is it randomly I know I love him and have feelings for him…? But most of the time I feel like I really don’t love him at all… 😢 I need help I really do.. I constantly deal with anxiety I dont wanna stop loving him… I don’t wanna be his ex I Just want to know I love him!! That’s all!! All I want is my feelings to come back and to know that I love him when I don’t feel love… I fucking hate this…

Hello everyone. I need a friend to talk to... Please don't hate me... I just need to vent because I've been crying over this. When me and my gf started dating, I had this horrible intrusive thoughts of "do I deserve better?" and I feel like I half-agreed with them... It was a very selfish moment of me I feel so guilty non-stop after those initial thoughts. I can't stop thinking about how disgusting I am and how she deserves so much better. She's so caring and so loving. She's my definition of perfect They happened during periods of time when I don't experience romantic feelings for her.... Idk why they happen.... They just do. I feel completely aromantic (person incapable of experiencing romantic feelings) sometimes.... And it brings these awful thoughts. I just keep feeling that she deserves so much better than me... And I have been crying feeling like I don't deserve her...

How do you deal with the intrusive thoughts around babies about you doing something bad to them? I'm constantly getting these thoughts while babysitting my cousin even though I wouldn't do bad things these thoughts bother me so much

It’s making me feel like I’m not anxious about the intrusive thoughts of men and them kissing and stuff 😭😭😭

Guys does anyone here obsess about parts? I have taken Flexeril and Tylenol p.m. almost constantly for the past like week and a half so I know my emotions in my brain or out of it. Not necessarily what I’m getting emotional over is not the pills like I had upsetting personal news and I know I’m upset about the news that’s me but how all over the place is it it is probably the pills and how extreme it is not that I’m not really upset like genuinely upset but the swings of it you know that’s totally the pill. And I keep looking at females I don’t like them and I’m scared I’m starting to feel funny I don’t like I keep saying I feel funny about when I don’t even like females up top or in the bottom and I can’t stop making a face I don’t think I’m scared him I don’t want to look at it in a different light has anyone experience? I don’t like the Browns or the points I don’t want women I want men and I act like pecs no matter their size are we are looking when they’re not I’m acting like but guys let alone my guy’s. What’s happening to me 🥺 I have like his specifically or just in general as well and I make faces but I like his parts not the opposite of a guys parts

I saw this review on Amazon for a OCD workbook. I thought it was a great take on OCD. This was written by David M. on 8/27/20. “I would like to add my opinion about OCD. OCD is just another Addiction. We, humans, are wired to do two things – Seek Pleasure and Avoid Pain. Both are basically one thing. To be in the Pleasurable state of existence. In short, OCD is a self-drugging behavior to avoid pain, so the brain can release feel-good chemicals. All our systems are wired for pleasure-seeking and escaping the pain. When we find the pleasure or escape the pain- there is a reward- we feel good, euphoria, a relief. Our brains release the ‘Feel-good chemicals- from our own brain’s pharmacy’, the neurotransmitters Dopamine, Norepinephrine, Serotonin, GABA, etc… these are the ones we develop a ‘tough love’ relationship with. Substances, like drugs and alcohol, stimulate the release of our own ‘pharmacy’, BUT, not only substances do that- Reinforced Behavior does that too, more correctly, thoughts, emotions, and actions that reinforce the ‘feel good’ such as gambling and love addictions, these behaviors release neurotransmitters of reward due to pleasure, are addictive and cause withdrawal when ceased. As research shown, OCD is related to childhood traumas and the resulting lack of self-love. When self-love is not around, Fear sips in. That’s just a survival mechanism. The mind say: No self-love? No pleasure? No problem, I will give you something to avoid- that will make me feel good. That thing is Fear/Anxiety- the source of pain to be avoided- so you can feel good about yourself when you managed to avoid it. OCD is just an upgraded version of anxiety, when the subconscious actually ‘Tames’ you to get that good feeling when Anxiety by itself didn’t result in self-love and relaxation. This process is addicting, making sure you will ‘feel good’ many times throughout the day, keeping the ‘high’. Ever wondered why compulsions are repetitive because the brain sees it as self-dosing, each action serves a dose, more handwashing, more doses of feel good to make the pain go away, until after 10 times- Doubt which is the measuring tool of how many doses are needed gives a temporary green light, until the next craving. That is why, Obsessions are basically just Cravings- a Call for Action- “Give me my dose of good feeling! Go and avoid this painful fear!” Have you ever wondered why other people don’t get inside that loop a person with OCD find themselves of ‘Thoughts/Feelings/Images/Urges’ Because in the same way, a non-addicted person cannot figure why an addict Craves drugs, and cannot ‘just stop with it’. OCD Obsessions are just Craving, that’s why they come unsolicited, that’s why certain situations flare them up, the subconscious mind finds an opportunity to get a dose and evokes an obsession to get the compulsion- the dose of feel good. Our brains are the ultimate ‘Drug Designers’, and can come with the worst fears to make you do one thing- Dose yourself with Avoidance. That is why, as suggested for drug addiction, on how to deal with cravings, perhaps one of the best things to do is just sit with it, surf the pain, watch the film the subconscious brain plays. What you see/think/feel means nothing, and nothing about you, it’s a movie played for you. A trick. Feel the urges until they pass, you are stronger than you imagine, and pain should be confronted to be defeated. Obsessions will come as cravings come, they will flare when there is a high chance to get the ‘fix’. But, with time they decrease until they disappear, because you train your subconscious mind there is NO ‘fix’ from those thoughts, stories, urges, and movies.”

I’m trying to be in a good mood but it’s so hard when in the back of my mind, I’m reminded constantly of the mistakes I’ve made. I just want to be free. I hate myself so much

any moms on here?? I'm a first time mom and had a baby two months ago. my ocd is back with a vengeance. I'm struggling and just looking for people I can talk to who understand what I'm going through. I don't want to worry anybody so I've been keeping things to myself but it's hard.

Anyone else with harm ocd also have the fear that they are a psychopath/sociopath along with it? This causes me to constantly go over my past behaviors to look for signs and worry about the future as well. I’m just really struggling with this lately and finding it hard to move past this lapse as I was doing really well. Hopefully starting back on Prozac today but I know it can take 4-6 weeks to start working

I know I don't love him and I have never loved him. Everything telling me that. I'm terrified. I want to fade away. Do you have any motivation for pushing? Should I be pushing?

TW: POCD, masturbation, talk about kinks Hello! I’ve decided to re-download this app today after nearly two years. I wanted to come here and dump some of mu thoughts because I know how helpful it is to share them with a community of people who feel the same. I had my first problematic intrusive thought 3 years ago (I say problematic because it was paralyzing and shook my whole world, i probably already had ocd before that but I didn’t know that was what it was called). A lot of things have changed for me since those days, thankfully I got used to the thoughts enough to not be affected by them as I once was. However, the part that we’re all familiar with comes into part after that: “What if it wasn’t ocd?” “What if I’m faking all of it?” “What if I somehow managed to fool everyone into thinking I’m a good person when in reality i’m capable of all these things my brain comes up with?”. I started going to therapy a year in a half ago, I think it was mostly due to the pandemic and things that weren’t exactly related to my ocd. I also think that if I tried going to therapy specifically because of my ocd I would’ve never gone in the first place, because of how scary it is to face it. This is one of the reasons I wanted to talk about this here today. I really don’t know how to bring up ocd with my therapist. I absolutely love my therapist, I believe I got really lucky when I found her and I think we built a good therapeutic bond that helps me trust her, but it’s still so hard to bring my intrusive thoughts up. I mentioned it once in passing and told her that I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, but I feel like I won’t ever heal if I don’t. It feels like for years i’ve been swiping dirt under the rug and now it’s finally getting to me. This is the part that includes the TW. My intrusive thoughts originally related to POCD, I’ve gotten much better at them and I can be around kids and play with them like any other person would, but some times I wonder why the anxiety stopped, why did my brain chose THAT to obsess over. I can’t help to psychoanalyse myself and look for a root cause for those thoughts to understand. The scariest part is that sometimes if I’m horny I usually go to erotic literature for release, and the “kinks” (if you can call it that) that get me off are the ones where there’s a power imbalance or one of the parties is submissive to the other (always consenting adults, the mere thought of something else makes me want to throw up). I can’t help but think that there’s something wrong with me when I think of this, I really feel like a sick person and I end up crying immediately after because I enjoyed it and I shouldn’t have. Now, I don’t think the type of erotica or porn that one chooses to consume defines us as human beings, but it definitely is something that I think about because it must have something to with our subconsciousness. This is where my OCD comes up in these thoughts, because sometimes when I realize that I don’t feel the anxiety anymore and I don’t stop to think about the thoughts, I immediately think it’s because I got used to them and I no longer think there’s something wrong with those actions and I wouldn’t care if I became that person (i say actions as opposed to thoughts, because I genuinely believe there’s nothing wrong with the thoughts themselves). This is the hard part about healing from the anxiety of the thoughts, you’re always checking to see if you still think they’re wrong or if you’re a horrible person now. I want to bring all of this up with my therapist but I’m so scared to face the possible realities. I’m scared that she won’t know what pure O is, I’m scared that she won’t understand what I’m talking about and would want to stop seeing me, I’m scared that If I bring up my thoughts it’ll change her view of me and all the thing I’ve told her. I’m so scared about bringing up the masturbation part because it truly freaks me out to think about things that I find arousing and what they might say about me. I’ m so so scared of her saying that I don’t have OCD and that my thoughts are very much real. I know most of these fears are irrational, but I can’t help but being scared to open up about them because a lot of things would change and I’ll be facing this monster I’ve been trying to hide from for years. I know I live with my pure o everyday when all I do is think and overthink every thought, word and decision that I have, say or make. But I’m so scared of the possibility of having made all of it up. Part of my brain right now is thinking “you managed to fool all these people in this forum, all of them feel for you now, all of them will think you’re a good person having bad thoughts but you know you’re not” . If you made it to the bottom of this post: thank you, this was very therapeutic for me whether or not someone reads it but I truly appreciate the time you took to read this. Thank you for the space, I would appreciate if anyone has any tips on how to bring up intrusive thoughts in therapy. Have a nice day!!! ❤️

Does anyone especially with harm ocd feel like they are their thoughts and want to do these things? Like no matter how hard I try and even during my therapy session I get the constant, “what if this isn’t OCD?”, “you like these thoughts”, “your a bad person”, “your going to act on these thoughts.” It gotten to the point where it feels like I’m actually this person and that I have changed into an evil person and it’s so scary cause it’s gotten to the point where it feels like I’m never going to get my life back and that’s saddening. I’ve never had a violent history never hurt anyone or anything but I don’t know why it feels like I am.

Please be kind because it's really hard to type this. First I'd like to say that I am not a violent person. I have no history of abuse, animal abuse, or any criminal history. The idea of people or animals suffering deeply upsets me, I've always been that way. I have had a history of ocd with themes of religion, harm and pedophilia for years. I would have my times when it got really hard but it always passed. I've taken medication for years too. At first it was Prozac, then I switched to zoloft and just started wellbutrin with the highest dose of zoloft. My newest fear/obsession is by far the worst though! I am a stay at home mother to a 7 month old and am currently living alone because my boyfriend is working out of state. I love my duaghter with all my heart and up until about 3 weeks ago I was really happy and loved spending our time together and doing our daily routines. Then all of a sudden I got this fear that I might snap and strangle my duaghter. Not hit her in the head, Not break her bones, strangle her! And it keeps playing over and over in my head. Never have I had such anxiety before. It gets so bad that it feels like I'm actually going to do it like "urges" I read about with other people and that's the worst part. I can't stand to be alone with her now. I've had people staying with me everyday and night, which I know is an avoidance behavior and it only makes it worse but at the time it's the only thing that brings slight relief. I even got to where I felt like I had to test myself, like put my hand on her (not hurting her at all) and see how I felt and I had to get away from her, broke out in a sweat and panic. This became a compulsion which I did stop. I started a new medication and felt a little better one day last week and I made myself be alone in the same room with her, not home alone with her just in a room with me and her. Sometimes I felt fine like "this is stupid, why am I freaking out?" The next minute, anxiety attack! I'm so up and down and the only time I feel slightly normal is after I put her to bed at night. I've never seen a therapist, I'm so afraid to, but its not getting any better and I can't go on living this way. I want my life back. I wanna be the best mom I can. I don't wanna be watching the clock every evening counting the minutes until I can get away from my baby. That's so fucked up. I hate this disorder and it's roobing me of my family, happiness and sanity! Has anyone else had this? How would ERP for this problem work? Am I lost cause? I feel like I am.