Welcome to
the NOCD Community

POCD TW: HELP Haven’t been on this app in a bit because I’ve been doing pretty well! But I had a pretty bad day. I work with children. And my ocd has been targeting one child mostly. (I hope it’s ocd) Today, while hanging out with her she was joking around with me and she was trying to steal a baseball bat out of my hand. She put it between her legs. I started to lose grip of it, so I switched my hand to get a better grip and I pulled it and took it from her, and it moved upward and she instantly said “ouch that hurt” and I think I accidentally hit her in an in appropriate area. I feel really bad. And I’m afraid that she’ll tell her parents I did it or something. My OCD is telling me I did it on purpose but I know I didn’t. Ugh. I was doing SO well before this. But it feels like I’ve moved 10 steps back.

I can’t deal with my groinal responses... they feel to real. I got a semi, maybe even full erection to same sex pornography. It must mean something I’m very depressed

Anything triggers my hocd. It’s unreal.

Sometimes I want to get married to a man that has experienced OCD too, because we would understand each other, and we wouldn't judge each other based on this monster. Then I remember that if both of us have OCD, the probability that our child will have it too is of 50%. That's just way too risky and selfish, I don't want them to suffer like I do. This is a very sad illness, no one deserves to go through this.

Do you guys ever look back on old obsessions and think “oh gosh that was nothing compared to the one I’m going through now?” I do this all the time. Things that use to freak me out really bad are way less intense then they are now. Idk if that’s just how OCD is or if it’s just because mine has gotten worse. Hoping I push through this?

Does anyone with HOCD ever feel like they are going to lose control ?

OCD / Guilt / Porn and Confession Not sure if this really falls under the umbrella of OCD or not. I have a bad habit of confessing things to my wife when I feel as if I’ve done something wrong. I used to confess to her if I thought I’d looked at another woman or if I had inadvertently flirted with someone else. In hindsight, in many of those cases, I don’t think I had done anything wrong, but at the time it seemed like I did. Or, I would confess if I had sexual thoughts about another woman. Stuff like that. I’m often obsessed with the feeling like I’ve been unfaithful. I love my wife. Would never cheat. She has been urging me to stop confessing and mostly I’ve been doing better, but I recently did something I feel quite guilty about. While out of town, I slipped up and watched porn a few times while we were apart. I feel particularly bad because the last time this happened was during a time when my wife was mourning the loss of our family pet, which she had had for many years. We weren’t in the same city when I slipped up and looked at the stuff, but I feel as if I stabbed her in the back during an emotionally rough time for her, even though I feel that I was otherwise completely emotionally supportive of her and was checking in on her constantly and giving her my support. I know I screwed up. I don’t generally watch porn anymore. I used to (a lot) but stopped when we started dating like 3 years ago. In that time, I’ve looked at it maybe three times. When I last confessed this, she said that she doesn’t care if I watch it and that I should stop confessing. I hear her and I believe her. I’ve also made up my mind to stop watching porn because it makes me feel bad. Maybe it’s fine for some people but it makes me feel bad. Part of me says that I should just move on, not confess that I slipped up a couple of times recently and just move on, but another part me says to confess it. That I’ve done something really wrong, especially when she was herself going through a rough time. Any advice would be much appreciated. OCD has clouded my judgement about when to confess.

Some of you who have hocd (or SOOCD), at some time, felt like you were non binary or seeing it like something really possible but also... no(?) Like the idea pop out of your head becaude Whatever, and just started the same game as with hocd... When I thought I was surpassing hocd and now... Ah, I feel an outsider of myself.

So sick of feeling like I'm on the verge of losing my mind.. I wish I could just go ahead and turn psycho and get locked up so that at least one effing thought could be true...

Hello everyone. I was recently recommended this app by my therapist who I just started seeing for “HOCD”. I wanted to share my story and symptoms in the hopes that someone is going through the same thing and needs to hear it or can offer support. The onset for me was very recent, a month ago to be exact. I wasn’t in the best psychological state, I had a job offer for another company presented to me that I had the inclination to take but had a lot of anxiety and trepidation about. I spent days upon days worrying if I should take it or should I stay. Finally when I took it I was still in a funk and very indecisive and even regretful. One day thereafter I was watching a Video of an openly homosexual man doing a ABC news interview. To this day I’m not sure what caused it, but something about it caused me a lot of anxiety and I started thinking for some reason that I was gay. Now as a background, I live with my gf and we have been together 2 years. Our sex life the last couple months has been dormant to put it best and I had felt a detraction to wanting to make love. I found myself watching a lot of porn to get off which isn’t abnormal for me, it’s pretty regular. Once the symptoms kicked in I started panicking trying to force all the thoughts out of my head. That just amplified them and made it extreme. I couldn’t eat I couldn’t sleep I couldn’t work I couldn’t function. I googled everything under the sun and when I found out about OCD I instantly felt relieved. But then it came back, and I started to question myself even more. I go through the same mental loops over and over and over, constantly reassuring myself. Now, reading other people’s stories or even coming out stories they are so different From mine. Many people refer to past experiences or having thoughts of being with a guy sexually. I have never had those thoughts ever. I have been with a lot of women romantically and sexually and have never thought about another man, have never had the desire to be with a man in any way. This has caused me to rethink everything about myself and even times convinced me that I was living a lie. Fast forward to the day, I’m not sure what is going on or how to summarize all of this. I use to love watching sports listening to podcasts going to the gym and I do none of it anymore. I barely can keep my focus on the day to day especially when I try to work. It feels like my life is just trying to transform overnight and that it will never stop. I’ve reassured myself over and over and it’s like I can’t get out my own way. When I’m feeling good I’ll watch porn or fantasize about having sex with a woman and I’ll get hard. And still that’s not enough. It’s like I don’t even believe my reality anymore and my mind is trying to force me to be gay. I get headaches all the time especially in the morning. It’s like the first thought that pops in my head, “you’re gay”. I’ve been around many men in my life, even in my athletic days in college I mean you got half naked dudes in the locker room including myself-never in life have I ever had an intrusive thought or been attracted to any man. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not even sure how to classify this-I don’t know if it’s generalized anxiety, overthinking, depression or HOCD. Any suggestions , insight, or recommendation would help. I’d like to have a clear head and be myself and enjoy my life. I’m a good dude and I have nothing against anyone of any subscription-including homosexuals. I’ve been around guys or girls who are whether in the workplace or seeing on social media and it’s all love. I am 26 years old. Thanks.

I need a weird bit of advice. I think i’m ocd but my mom is extremely opposed to therapy (for Ocd, anxiety, or depression) after i went to a couple sessions last year. She’s trying her best to help me with some of the compulsions, but i’ve been scared to tell her about the intrusive thoughts (harm ocd and when i was younger a lot of religious). What should i do? she’s convinced that maybe i’m having some anxiety problems bc my sisters severely autistic but it’s more than that.

Having a really bad panic attack. I feel that this is too real to be hocd. It’s like my mind is almost convincing me that I am gay and that I truly want this. Why does this happen? I have always loved and adored women since a young age? This feels extremely real. My heart is pounding and making me want to vomit. This is horrible.

So I just left my therapists office and she said you could indeed be gay and still have HOCD! I’m very confused and upset. Anyone have insight?

when we’re little, we’re told of stories that begin with ‘once upon a time’ and end with ‘happily ever after’ but our lives aren’t written out for us, like this. we don’t live in fairytales. however, the original stories of the disney princesses felt less like a fairytale and more like life. whenever i read them, i felt uncertain. how will this story end? why did things have to be this way? i don’t want this to happen! nevertheless, i still loved those stories. just because we won’t know if ugly things will happen to us, doesn’t mean there wasn’t any beauty in our lives at all. i may be confused, i may wander endlessly and still feel lost. my fate may be cursed with bad luck and fortune. of course i’m afraid. but even so, if i keep wishing for something that’ll never come true, if i keep planting flowers that’ll never bloom, if i never wake up from dreaming, i’ll never truly live. i’ll never hurt, i’ll never heal, i’ll never grow up! and when i’m so out of breath searching for a false comfort, my vision will be too blurry for me to see everything i’m so thankful for. i’ll forget how to love. so, i don’t care if i’m not a princess in a perfect fairytale! i’ll love with all my heart, even if it means to suffer.

Any tips on how to not ruminate?

It almost feels like my OCD has gone. But the issue is, even though I have no anxiety, I still have the obsessions. I get horrible awful thoughts but don’t worry about them. And I hate it! It’s like I ‘miss’ the worrying because it proved that I didn’t like them. But now that it’s gone, I feel like a monster.

I feel like I’ve suffered from different types of ocd since like two years ago. I have had religious ocd where the thoughts really bothered me because I’m catholic and all of the sudden I got a thought that I could become a satanist. I used to scream out loud to myself to stop the thoughts. It eventually went away on its own. The thoughts pop back up every now and then but they don’t bother me nearly as much as they used to. Then when I was with my girlfriend at the time, there was a point in the relationship where I got a thought that I maybe got tired of her and that I didn’t love here anymore. That bothered me for like two months at one point but it also eventually went away and we continued. Now, this is where my world crippled and I’m messed up bad in my head. I have been suffering from depression for like 5 years. Keep in mind I’m 20. I have always and I mean always attracted to women all my life. If the thought of being gay would come to my head, it didn’t even last 2 seconds before it went away. This was in late June last year. I was with my best friend at the time (a guy) and we made plans for me to stay at his house for the night since my girlfriend was at a party. We used to do this anyway, we both are music producers so we spent hours making beats on his laptop. We got drunk and high throughout the night. He pulled out some porn on his phone and we started watching it pointing out the features of the girls in the video. Then we started masturbating and there was a point where he grabbed my junk and I did it also. We were like touching each other in complete silence while watching the video. I’m getting all time high anxiety while writing this. I eventually just finished the job on my own and when I was done my friend told me to give him a bj. I immediately told him no way. He went into his bathroom and when he was out of sight I immediately vomited all over his floor. I had to help him clean It since it was his house so. The next day we didn’t mention it and to this day we never have mentioned it. Keep in mind I was still with my girl at the time which made everything 5,000 times worse. I never told her and my head was messed up for like 2 months after that. My girlfriend ended up leaving 4 months after the situation but it was because of some relationship troubles that we were having since about a year ago. The breakup messed up my psyche a lot. I realized a couple months after the breakup that a part of me was with my girl to fuel my own ego and have everyones approval. Even though it seems like I didn’t, I really adored my girlfriend, she was my first everything, traveling, sex, sharing other first time experiences I mean everything. Though Im still working on getting over her, I have been suffering from the thought that I might be gay since like 2 months ago and its killing me. I feel no attraction to men but my mind is almost convincing me that that is truly what I want. I’ve even been avoiding sex with some girl friends of mine because I’ve also suffered from terrible performance anxiety for the majority of my sex life. I’ve tried to accept the thought that I might be bisexual but deep down I know that I’m straight even though my mind is telling me I want men. I’m also a big reassurance speaker and have tried to find professional help but I live in an area where it’s impossible to find some. I want to get over this because its tearing my life apart. I’m not homophobic, I have like 5 gay friends and I’m close to one of them, and I’ve never had an inclination to do anything sexual with men so these thoughts are disturbing and distressing to me. Keep in mind I also suffer from mad anxiety and different types of it. I love women but it seems I’ve become sexually neutered. I hate this I want to go back to how I was before. Sorry for the long message, I needed to get this off my chest. Thank you if you read this.

Haven’t been on for a long time because I feel like I’ve been doing some progress. Or should I say half progresses. I say half because they’ve not necessarily been for me, they’ve been because of someone else but nether the less it means I’ve faced a compulsion and not done it or faced an obsession and not given in. Examples are... 1. I haven’t been able to wear knickers for about two years. The last time I did I had got to a really obsessional stage where it could take me hours to find a pair to wear that wasn’t ‘too germy’ and if they were I’d obsess about it getting too close to down below and it being inappropriate. It got to the point where it was endless arguments in my family so my mum took them away so it’d cut the obsession. It was probably the wrong thing for her to do because now I’m terrified of trying them again incase I become obsessed again. BUT since seeing this guy I’ve become quite aware of the fact that it’s probably going to look really weird if I’m not wearing any so I bought some pairs and wore one on our last date. It took me a few changes and 2/3 I had to throw away for being germy but I managed with the pair I wore. I’m tempted to buy more as I feel I could wear them again I just don’t feel I could deal with them going through the wash with other peoples clothes just yet. 2. TMI but I managed to get intimate with this guy and not obsessively wash my body afterwards because of germs and I just chucked a pair of pyjamas on without my rituals when getting clothes on 3. I wanted to make my part of the garden I share look nice so I plucked the courage up to move my neighbours playhouse. Albeit with gloves on to avoid germ transferral but usually I wouldn’t have been able to do it even with the germs on 4. About 30% of the time I can ignore my intrusive thoughts 5. My self care is improving. Again TMI but I was able to shave my intimate area with a razor that wasn’t completely ‘safe from germs’. I’ve taken time to paint my nails, do a face mask, watch a sad movie with a hot chocolate 6. I got drunk. Getting drunk has been a fear of mine because I’m terrified I may blurt out intrusive thoughts and look like a weirdo but I did it and got the hangover from hell to prove it 7. I unfollowed someone that greatly influences my ocd. They tweet their thoughts and compulsions during their panic moments and I find I latch on to them or it flares up my worry more but I’ve always followed them because I’m like ‘same ?’ when really I should have unfollowed, not to be mean, but to step back and be like ‘I won’t be same, I need to be different and beat this’ 8. I’m trying to get over my fear of certain numbers so I will stop now at one of them and I won’t stress and worry about using it I don’t know if these are necessarily progresses because it’s probably things I’m doing for others and not me but I’ve felt proud that I’ve done them and can’t wait to tell my therapist as it’s like ERP I’ve set myself and done. Hopefully this can help others to try some of their ERP today and feel as proud as I do right now, because it’s a nice and different feeling

I have a problem maybe you guys can help, Im 27 years old and NEVER doubt that about my sexuality before, i was (i think im still) girl crazy and i have nothing against gay people i have friends how are gay, i was working nights shifts like for 3 months straight and not sleeping at all, and one day i was drinking and smoking weed, having a good time and from no where this thought that i might be gay appears, and have been struggling for about 5 months from now, i now i have a crush on this girl we are even dating but some times it thoughs feels so real like im on a denial and get depressed i used to be a happy person with out doubts about my sexuality i mean im 27 years i should have seen this coming long time ago if its real right? At this point I don't know what to do i live in a country that therapy is hard to find especially this kind im taking some medication but i need help this is taking my life and im afraid that im liying to my girlfriend, what should i do ? Is this HOCD or im on a denial? ( Sorry about my English, is not my first language)

Hi everyone. Ive been having the same OCD thought for weeks. How do I move on? I feel like my brain is stuck. Sometimes I think about it so much I get dizzy and my head feels like I just came up from underwater.