Welcome to
the NOCD Community

have been in a committed long distance relationship for 6 years. At the 1.5 year mark when I was 16 and my boyfriend was 17. A girls friend came forward and told me that her friend slept with my boyfriend. At the time he lived with other billet brothers as well in a very small town The girl had no text messages the only thing she knew was what his bedroom looked like and parts of the house.. As well her friend sent me a screen shot of a text the girl sent her saying that she banged my boyfriend don’t tell anyone 3 days after the date she gave me. and 5 days before she told me my boyfriend posted a picture of us and someone put her username on the post and was liked by her friends. I knew they were friends and snap chatted each other. She didn’t apologize and she told me she was cheated on in the past… she made herself look really good. She gave me a specific time frame she said she went to his place at 6:00 pm and left at 8:30. At the time I was petrified of him cheating on me so I constantly obsessed and watched his location. So I remember that night and I had texts that we had at around 7:00. I found pictures that proved he was not home until 8:00 and his billet parents talked to me going through calendars saying that she believed they watched a movie that night which is what my boyfriend told me they did that night. I also talked to someone who had a kid at the same event as my boyfriend and told me the time frame his team was there till. I remembered all the info because I was already petrified. I have talked to my mom ( who was cheated on by my dad and destroyed my family) and she doesn’t believe it. I told 2 of my best friends and they say it didn’t happen. Now even with all this information the OCD won’t let me move on… bottom line is I believe my boyfriend and as well all the information that I have found backs up his story but there’s always the “what if” for about 3 years I was handling it well until covid and I had to isolate for 2 weeks. My OCD tells me that 1. my boyfriends a cheater… 2. that I am a weak person… 3: that my relationship isn’t whole… 4. that I am stupid… 5. that because this girl said this it has to be true… 6. that ur always supposed to believe the girl… it shows me images of them having sex in my head… 7. It tells me what I remember is false… ( which makes me go in loops of reassuring myself and asking others) 8. that his billet parents are lying for him (even though I had a close relationship with them both),… 9. that some how it must have happened 10. i get this pit drop in my stomach, 11. heart palpitations when it got really bad 12. And some times it’s just a feeling that I know it’s there 13. other times it makes me hate my boyfriend 14. when it comes I start to avoid my boyfriend and he notices…, 15. triggers include hockey rinks, when I meet someone that was from close to where he played hockey my OCD says what if they know something you don’t. Seeing teammates that were on that team with him. Hearing the name of the town. I have immense regret on how I handled the situation I go over what I would do differently etc, for ex. I never confronted her when it happened about about what I found because I felt like I didn’t need to and I always regretted not confronting her so my OCD got so bad that I did confront her 4 years later I thought maybe this girl would confess to lying years later now that she is older… just last month I dm’d her and I told her my proof and she pretty much told me what’s her motive ( even though she told me she was in love with him)… that she doesn’t care about my so called proof and that he cheated on me and I decided to stay… She was so bloody mean. Now this is like an extra ammo for OCD because now there is someone a real person saying that my OCD is right. I have talked to my boyfriend and he has talked to other teammates that he plays with now about it because he doesn’t know what to do. I am beyond stuck. I don’t want to leave this relationship because it is so good and I love him so much but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. You guys might be asking why I have stayed if I could leave tomorrow and this could all be gone… it’s because if I leave my OCD wins and it will just move onto something else. I’m just so tired of fighting the battle in my mind I don’t want to do it anymore. I have looked into ERP therapy but I don’t know how it will help me when my OCD is based off of a real life event that I wasn’t there for. Being cheated on is my worst fear in life because of my parents, I believe they are the worst type of people, and that’s why if he did this to me I’m with a horrible person and that’s why it has so much power…

I never wanted to die I have 4 kids I’ve always found happiness in stuff but I new ppl thought the only way to stop there suffering was to die and now I’m at the point we’re I can understand that more I’m here begging for help wanting to get on medication and do exposure and response therapy I want to feel peace in my mind I live amongst ppl who are normal but I can’t think like them I want to no wat it’s like to not have ocd but I can’t get help I can get ssi and be disabled but can’t get the proper care cause nowere takes my insurance ppl keep telling me places but I’ve called them nowere in Tennessee can help me I also have depression and anxiety I’m also on suboxene a few years ago I admitted myself and they discharged me in 3 days told me they didn’t have the resources to help me and gave me a referral to an ocd place in Chicago but they denied me cause of my insurance they gave me klonopins in the hospital which changed my life it was the first time I had been prescribed an anxiety medication that helped me feel better in that instant cause I was so upset bout them touching my stuff and the amount of clothes they were telling me I could bring and that I couldn’t bring qtips and all those things are apart of my dressing rituals so I literally felt like I was dieing they gave me klonopins which helped me relax more sent me home wit a prescription the doctors made it so hard for me to get my medicine I had just been threw so much I just wanted my medicine but that just aggravated me I was tired of not being treated I was tired of being denied proper care I was tired of going every month to get medicine that I need to take the rest of my life I was tired of being treated like a drug addict for klonopins so I got on drugs I started takeing pain medication it numbed me to were I was relaxed and wasn’t worrying as much but then I got to were I needed the drugs I had no money everything sucked I got on suboxene but now that’s 1 more thing I have an issue wit this shouldn’t be this hard to get help and to get the medication I need I’m so tired of jumping threw hoops for help everything is so difficult you gotta call a million times explain everything all the time deal wit medications and pharmacy’s and just so much bullshit like just give me the help I need so I can be more normal so I can work so I can support myself so I can have a better life and better quality of life and give me peace in my brain this is the reason death is the only way to make it stop forever that’s wat I want is to make it stop forever no more pain and suffering to just live a normal life I want peace forever and rite now there only 1 way of getting that and that’s not being here anymore.

I hate this i just saw my man today happy to see him but i felt disconnected...i had some happy moments ofc. And felt a nee love here and there more like a happy forever love. Then my brain would be like are you sure?...then it would just doubt everything. I felt so uncertain but i fell asleep in his arms. And i kept saying hes so perfect. I want him so much. But my ROCD...its killing me...my brain also kept saying oh hes like a brother just because i feel comfortable around him.

Any other Christians walking through OCD right now?

Hi! I need an opinion! There is this thing that is flaring up my rocd, since always, and I would like to understand the situation better. A little background: me and my bf had some poor moments (a lot of disagreement, delusions etc) pasts months. Now we talked; we decided to try some compromises. One in particular keeps triggering me. I don't understand why for him is okay to see me only a few times (2-3) during the week. We already talked about it, and in this last weeks I saw his efforts so I'm proud of him. (For example now if he have to do something else, and doesn't go out with me one day, he makes plans with for the next one etc). We chat more too! He always give me the goodmorning and goodnight, he always finds some times to at least replay to my messages. But for him, seeing me 2-3 times maximum In a week is enough, he doesn't feel the need or doesn't want me more. I can understand when there is university, when he has to work etc... (I don't like it, but he can be tired and it'd right to take some time alone). But now we have holidays!! And I would love to spend all my time with him, because togheter we have a lot of fun, and all I want is to be in his arms! I would love to make plans, travels, even free experience in thoose days togheter! But he keeps wanting to see me only the 2 or 3 times and I can't understand why for him this is enough!!! (Both of our love languages is quality time! And in the first month I was always above everything else! He said that I'm still important to him etc) I would love some opinions, not to find rassicurations, but to understand better why for him is enough, and his mentality! I can't see how loving someone and not wanting to see her whenever he has the opportunity can get along togheter!!

My initial thoughts are not as scary bc I’ve been doing erp. For example, when an initial thought comes across I don’t go into panic mode, instead when the thought comes across I tell myself “maybe yes maybe no” and I feel better. But the thing that is getting to me is that the next thought is usually “did you just suppress a gay thought” and that makes me go into panic mode. And I feel bad because I’m like damn if I am suppressing these thoughts that would be sad like why cant i just decide on one so that I could be happy. You know? And I didn’t have these thoughts before. It’s so annoying because I constantly feel like what if I’m in denial. And it makes me question whether I’m happy with or attracted to my boyfriend. I want to be happy so I’m like do I leave him and maybe date women, but then Im like oh no i don’t want to do that I want to be with him and be happy with him. Anyone going through something similar?

I need some advice/tips if anyone has any.. so I’m pretty depressed and have put on about 30 pounds that I want to lose but it’s so hard with depression to get going to work out.. does anyone have any tips? I’m just so tired of feeling like shit about myself all the time. I have no energy, I feel and look gross. I hate it.

UGH I really need help accepting my past and what sexually arouses me. Since I can remember I was sexually aroused by naked women as my dad used to have pics of them in his man cave, which has led to arousal of lesbian sex, lesbian porn, and lesbian sex fantasies. This was primarily the only thing I ever used to masturbate to (TMI SORRY). This makes my body respond super easily whenever I see it on tv and such, and in tv shows or movies they always relate being gay to them getting off to same sex and same sex porn. This has always made me very insecure about sexuality and myself because I thought only lesbians watch and like it (I know this is untrue) so I didn’t want anyone to think I was one as well. This obviously makes my hocd/soocd run wild with proof/evidence but I’m trying to work towards acceptance of it. Has anyone else done acceptance work and if so how? I’m terrible with it and too judgmental towards myself which brings shame. I have done tons of erp and it has worked tremendously but this is what can really get me back to feeling not the best at times.

Who would like to do an emotions workshop together

Does anybody’s ocd try to make them dig incredibly deep into ‘conceptual’ stuff. I have gender identity themed ocd and in the past so-ocd amongst others and it’s almost as though I no longer actually know or understand the concept of gender, identity, sexuality etc because of all the overthinking?

I want to challenge my thoughts by exposing myself to this one object in my household, but I’m so scared I’m going to harm or kill myself with it, even though it’s against my values to do either. I’m not afraid of any other objects or means of harm except for this certain object. How could I possibly do exposures with all of these negative thoughts running in my head and then if I expose myself to it, my mind would just say, “well you were just afraid to do it, so if you did it again, you would for sure do it” and this has caused me to have depression too, which makes things worse that they could be true smh

I am going to try my best to articulate what I am going through this morning…. 13 years. For 13 years I have been going through this problem. It all started one night when a friend made a comment about me being straight. Was that true, or was I really just a gay person? That started a cycle of doubt that I’ve never really broken. I wake up most mornings with extreme anxiety. I think that a straight person wouldn’t go through what I am going through. Every thought is that I am gay. The way I talk, the way I walk, the way that I act… I now see certain guys and find them attractive. I find myself looking at every couple and wondering whether I think the woman or man is more attractive. If I find the male to be more attractive, I often wonder why those two are together. I then wonder, “maybe he’s a gay man and he is with her to hide.” Growing up, I had what I thought were entirely heterosexual urges. I had dreams about girls, I wanted to date girls, etc. I didn’t have many girls I was interested in, though. I then think that, well, I was probably just not ready to admit to myself who I really was. That all of those instances where I found myself wanting to be like other boys were really me having early sexual feelings for them. I should preface all of this with the fact that I’m not homophobic. I have no problem with homosexuality or any religious hang ups about it. Why, then, do I struggle so badly with this? Sitting here I have a movie on the tv in the background. Just watching two men sit close together makes me uncomfortable. I find myself looking at their bodies and thinking about them under their clothes. Does that arouse me? Why am I even thinking this. The other thing that gets me is that I know being gay is not a choice. Gay people do not choose to be that way. You often also hear that most people who are gay went through a period where they wished on everything that they were straight. That’s just affirmation that that is what my experience is. 13 years now. I’m now 34, have lost so much of my adulthood to these thoughts, and it isn’t getting any better. I started on this app back in the summer, and I haven’t really gotten anywhere. I feel hopeless. I have a child that I feel like I’m neglecting because of all of this. It’s heartbreaking. The anxiety that I feel. I feel as if the only way I can be an effective father to him is if I admit this and move on. I’ve tried some ERP. Some I’ve been able to do. Others have caused me to break down and cry in front of my family. I just feel helpless. I feel alone. I miss the time where this wasn’t the thing that dominated my thought processes all the time. I miss being able to go to bed and wake up refreshed the next morning. I cannot remember the last time that happened. This is it. This is the moment I’m finally going to be able to admit to myself that I am a homosexual man. I just need to move on…

Happy New Year All! Trying to celebrate and keep positive about a couple weeks of staying strong and keeping the HOCD thoughts from causing chaos in my mind. However, recently read a show recap where a character suddenly identifies as queer after being married to a man for many years. As this is the type of thing that triggers my HOCD (I’m happily married and have two kids)—I’m finding the thoughts creeping in a bit more the past few days and seeing some rumination starting to take place. This community is so wonderful at being each other’s cheerleaders (YAY)—and I’m just looking for some encouragement and tips from those who are in the same boat (it’s hard when no one else understands your OCD—my husband tries, but his encouragement borders on reassurance and I don’t want that). I’m trying to remind myself to lean into the thoughts. The OCD wants to win, so just lean in (my new motto for 2022?). Sending love and encouragement to all in this community.

18+ Please I’ve posted about this before, but I really need advice or someone who has been in the same place. Earlier in 2021 when I was 18 I downloaded dating apps at first just to have fun, see how many matches or people who were interested, but then not long after it turned into a thing of sending a lot of nudes with people. I always asked before hand if they were interested or not and all that, and I was messaging people who were a lot older than me or just older I’m general, but I also messaged people my age like 18-20. I’ve done a lot I’m not proud of, I was in a really dark place and just liked the attention I guess. It’s no excuse though, I was being gross and irresponsible. The last person I exchanged nudes with was an older guy like late 20’s. We talked a bit and he asked me if it was weird he liked younger guys and I just told him “It depends how young ig” and he asked me if I would ever do anything with someone younger and I told him “I’m 18, so no”. But then I was already uncomfortable, but he asked me would with an attractive 15 year old, I blocked him right after that, he was so creepy, he was the last person I messaged or sent nudes to. That was before I turned 19. I hate my past behaviors and now I see how stupid it is to exchange nudes with strangers, I just thought I was having fun. Now my POCD is through the roof, I started getting thoughts of “what if someone lied about their age” and all that, at first I felt confident that no one did, but now after months of ruminating, I’m terrified. I don’t know, I’ve talked to my therapist from school says it wouldn’t be my fault. But I’m terrified all the time, I’m scared that I wasn’t safe enough, I’m an idiot. I have genuine thoughts of unaliving myself or calling the police on myself. My friends say it’s common for people to share nudes on those kinds of apps, but I’m still horrified. I don’t even know anymore. I’m scared I forgot an interaction or that I’m suppressing something, but I don’t think I am, I remember a lot of the encounters I’ve had. I hate myself so much, I know this is long, but please, I need someone to reply, I feel completely alone right now.

TW I wish I had someone to talk to. I don’t know if you struggle with the same stuff like we have the same OCD. And I obsessed about body parts. It’s not fun. I am scared because I’m sorry I’m only reaching out because I’m just so desperate. I just now is trying to go to sleep and then I put my chin up like I do when I don’t want to do what babies and guys typically do. If you know what I mean. In my heart felt funny like I did but I’ve never ate forte before I don’t want any part of a woman’s anatomy in me know I don’t want to do it guys and baby do you like I said. I’m scared of how I put my chin up. What straight person has a heart that makes for that I don’t want it I’ve never ate for it no I can’t stop doing that motion the babies doing putting my chin up like I do when I don’t want boobs in my mouth I hate myself! And I can’t stop why would my heart ache I’ve never wanted that before and I don’t know if it’s my heart aching right actually have a ache in the muscle by my heart you know what I mean? I don’t want that in my mouth why am I feeling these things in my chest! I act like but I don’t want roundness in my mouth and I make faces like I don’t but I like my guys chest it’s solid I don’t what did I just experience in my heart and chest I’ve never wanted to have a woman’s boob and my I acted like now it is it’s not appealing I don’t want that I don’t want to be bisexual and I keep saying can’t help it but I’m not The way my I said I keep saying my heart aches like I must be I’m not bisexual but the way it felt scared me I’ve never experienced that and now I can’t stop making faces and cringing like I don’t or like I’m forcing myself but I’ve always liked my guys chest I don’t want boobs in my mouth it’s nothing short of not appealing

people who have contamination ocd how often are you afraid that bodily fluids were accidentally touched? earlier i put my hand in something and it smelt so much like sperm now ocd is going crazy

Relationship OCD.. I really need some advice on this. My wife of 2 years has put on a lot of weight due to 2 pregnancies. (1 miscarriage) I am so hyper focused on her weight ave what she is eating. Why she won’t exercise! I’m having a lot of obsession thoughts on whether I love her or not or if I have ever!! Looking back I have always had relationship OCD but this is really affecting our relationship.. HELP PLEASE!!!!

I am doing fine , but I had a trigger I posted a photo and one of my male friends complimented me and I started having these doubts like “ do I like that he thinks that I’m good looking ? “ like , I’m not trying to use reassurance , but it is normal for people to be happy that someone thinks they are beautiful , whatever being their gender and sexual orientation , right ?

Hello, If anyone's comfortable with it, could you answer me these questions? Have you had a bad or a good childhood? Did your environment treat you well? Since when have you had ocd? Personally I've been bullied throughout middle school and when i was even younger. My mom went through some difficult stuff when i was 11 and i witnessed first hand some really bad displays of aggression between her and dad. I don't know if that counts, but I've also been traumatized by a bedbug infestation that made me fear insects A LOT. I've had ocd ever since i was 10.

My real event past mistake is bothering me so much. Saying that it’s equivalent to what a monster would do when I was just a teenager who didn’t know she was making a mistake when it happened all because of a stupid fetish. God help me I can’t take this anymore. It hurts. I would do anything to go back and change it knowing what I now know. How could I have been so stupid back then?