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I am so close to the edge right now and I don’t know what to do. I truly feel like giving up. It all started when a doctor I saw at amen clinics told me that if I drink it increases chances of acting on my violent intrusive thoughts. It freaked me out because I drank before I had severe ocd but I did have ocd my whole life and I was so scared that my mind was gonna be sure that I killed someone and then actually kill someone because of that. Then it took him 2 days to clarify and send a response where he totally changed his words and said he doesn’t believe I would pose a risk more than anyone else. But that was after I already started getting the what if I believed I did so I do thoughts. A couple of days later it was my birthday and I was feeling so depressed ever since the doctor incident feeling irredeemable and so alone because I was sure noone else was told such a thing by a reputable doctor especially after he brain scanned me. I felt I was alone and I would be the only case that actually acts on my thoughts. Anyway it was my birthday and I said fuck this shit, I’m not gonna be miserable on my birthday and never drink again because of this doctor I am gonna choose myself for once. And so I drank. For some reason I didn’t feel as guilty for that time but a couple of days after I was still feeling very bad and I decided I wanted to enjoy my lunch with my boyfriend and I ended up drinking 2 glasses of wine even though it wasn’t even my birthday. I guess I figured since I had done it before it wouldn’t make much of a difference. But my bf suggested I do weed gummy instead from now on so I got some and when I got home I was telling him I shouldn’t do that today because I already drank. And he said it wouldn’t make a difference and I didn’t wanna disappoint him for some reason and I thought I would just stay up till I felt right if anything. So I ate half of a weed gummy. I didn’t feel much except a bit tired and hungry. And I slept and was fine the next day. But the following day I was reminded of the doctor’s response that he wrote on top of the clarification email where he said “I dont see how me telling you to avoid too much alcahol is controversial in any way. What I said has no effect on the events that occured till now.” Another confusing ass email. Getting my mind to think oh so me drinking recently could have made me do things? So I called to clarify and then he said that is not what he meant. But anyway after that I started to feel very guilty about the other day drinking two glasses of wine and doing half of a weed gummy. I feel like I didn’t know what effects the gummy would have but I took the chance and risked peoples lives. Over my selfishness and inability to say no. Even if it doesnt mean that I hurt people after, I didn’t know that and was afraid that it would increase the chances of me being out of it but I did it. And I just cannot forgive myself. Then ever since thinking about that and the guilt, I now keep getting what ifs. What if the triggers from my guilt make me snap, what if the doctors thing and all these triggers make me irredeemable and the only one to snap, what if watching the video yesterday of the ocd coach saying just let everything bad happen makes me snap, what if my period hormones make me snap and etc. Before I was able to say well if anything happens its not me its ocd but now after I put peoples lives at risk I feel like I can’t and don’t deserve to say that and that the what ifs could come true because I did an unredeemable act of drinking wine and half a weed gummy when it wasnt even my birthday. I feel unworthy of life and I feel like I am ruined and that I could believe all my what ifs or that I did it before and I could do it for real or maybe already have done it. My mind is so tangled there seems like no point of return. I am dying 😞 I don’t know what to do

How open are you about your OCD to friends, coworkers, bosses, professors, in-laws, etc.? As I learn more about OCD, I realize that it’s a huge part of who I am- for better or worse. Given the choice, I would choose not to have it of course. But the community and sense of identity I’ve gained since my diagnosis and meeting fellow OCD peeps is kind of special to me. I don’t know how to present myself to people. In some ways, I kind of want to tell everyone I have to interact with regularly that I have OCD as a little disclaimer. It would save a lot of explaining and awkwardness. But I also hate self disclosing and don’t like to answer a lot of questions or have to educate people on OCD when they assume I must live like Monk since I have OCD 😐 I also don’t want to be known as the weird girl who over shares or makes something their whole personality.. and if I were to be up front about my OCD, I don’t want people to think I’m one of those, “omg I’m soooo OCD! I have to make sure all my labels face out!!” type of people. When do you choose to let people know about your OCD? Is it something you keep to yourself, or is it something you “take pride in” and are up front about? Are there certain people you tell (like boss, college advisor, etc.) and others you don’t disclose that to? How much of your identity is OCD?

Any other guy feel like they are turning into a woman is that possible what the hell is happening

Also my soocd thoughts have been second nature lately, it feels like I enjoy it when my female friends give me affection and I catch myself checking them out and then having to stare again to see if I’m attracted, I get intrusive thoughts about girls being cute and that I’d want to date girls that I admire and that they’d be good girls to date. I’ve had zero sexual attraction to my boyfriend and all I can see are his physical flaws. It feels like I’d be 100% okay with touching a girl or dating one. My boyfriend just thinks I’m confused and he’s being supportive but it sucks because i feel like it makes it more real but I feel like it’s already so real. Its not me, but my reality has been morphed for too long. I feel okay with all this but I so badly want my old self back. This sucks

Does anyone get this feeling you really wanna break up!? 😞 I’ve been crying my eyes out all evening… I kept testing myself saying I wanna break up but no reaction! 😭

Someone help I'm really anxious So I'm getting PCR tested for covid and I'm terrified I have it because it means I exposed people. Last sunday I had a terrible headache but it disappeared the next day and I was sure it had other reasons because I have headaches really often (you can't get tested unless your symptoms have lasted more than 24 h here). But then my throat felt weird and I had to swallow and clear it all the time, probably making it worse. Apparently anxiety can make you feel as if something is stuck in your throat, and I've been so very stressed all week, and it started to get bad last sunday. It disappeared when I was focused on other things, like school that was in person, which means it was probably only OCD, which my parents convinced me off, and I ignored it like you're supposed to ignore OCD. I trusted my parents because were I to trust myself I'd barely leave my house ever and they have more common sense than my OCD brain, but I'm so scared that was a mistake But this morning in class my nose felt runny and I panicked. Probably because it was windy on the way there, it happens all the time. But it was too much and I went home and sort of had a panic attack I think. It disappeared and I feel fine now except my throat feels weird (doesn't hurt or ache and there's no cough but it feels stuffed, which is not even a symptom of corona. I've googled so so so much already). But now I'm getting tested but I won't have the result for days and I feel like I will be in a constant state of fear... I already had two negative rapid tests but that doesn't really help since they aren't very accurate... If I actually have covid I've been going to school with it for a week and grocery shopping and exposed so many people while playing it off as OCD... I'm not sure I will be able to forgive myself for that. Logically I know I'm trying to find some sort of balance between OCD and the pandemic because I need to keep living even with the fear of making others sick, but that doesn't excuse being irresponsible. Have I been irresponsible? My parents argued that I can't keep wasting tests because my OCD convinces me I'm sick all the time. There's logic in that but it feels like I'm not being careful enough. I'm following all restrictions and stuff but I can't really trust myself when it comes to symptoms and what I feel Don't really know how to deal with this :(

There goes another relationship ruined because of my ROCD. I asked for a break as I’m actively trying to get myself better and move on from my rocd symptoms. She wouldn’t respect my wishes and told me no. She also wanted a break but specifically told me we wont talk to anybody else kiss or flirt with anybody else. But the point of a break is to take some time for ourselves heal and come back together stronger. She thinks I just wanna kiss and hook up with other girls(because she knows about my rocd and knows the thoughts I get) when I just need some time to work on this without feeling guilty around her 24/7. I guess I’m just looking for some help with my situation. This isn’t just some girl I met she’s a really big deal to me and I see her in my future I just wanna get rid of my rocd so I can be the best boyfriend I can for her.

Any ideas of getting through an existential episode of OCD. I had a dream last night about trueman syndrome, something which I’ve never experienced and it’s really set me off. Any help would be great.

I feel like getting out of bed is so hard nowadays. I woke up a couple hours ago, laid in bed ruminating and checking. Then got on my phone, it’s hard to leave this app. I have to go to the bathroom but I just can’t get out of bed. I normally open my blinds every morning as soon as I wake, but lately it’s just been so difficult. I feel so stuck in time but everything around me is moving so quickly. I want to be happy, I want to be free from these scary thoughts.

my brain feels very clogged today and i’m anxious about a lot of things. it’s been about a year since i dealt with tocd, and just thinking about it makes me extremely nervous and uncomfortable, and i’m so scared it’s gonna come back and i’m gonna deal with it all over again

Struggling 😫😫 I feel like I can’t even see myself dating a guy anymore. I’m so sad and scared ugh anyone relate?

Any other women feel like they have a hard time picturing themselves as mothers in the future? I’m only 19 but my entire life I’ve had this weird feeling that I’d never be able to have children or that I wouldn’t be a good mother, which is making my SOOCD and TOCD way worse right now because it’s making me feel like I am not going to be a mother because I am lesbian/transgender. I don’t want to be either of these things and I want to have a family with a husband and children of my own some day, but it just feels like that’s out of the picture for me.

Does anyone with SO-OCD sometimes feel like they should just “settle” on the label of bisexual? This still makes me anxious, but less anxious than the idea of being the total opposite orientation to what I’ve always identified with. Does this mean I’m bi? Or is this just a compulsion? Eeek.

I'm trying to do imaginal exposures for my suicidal/existential themes (e.g. thinking about how it is possible that life is pointless and not worth it, etc) but doing these exposures sometimes just makes me feel hopeless and depressed, and I worry that repeating these ideas to myself is actually just going to end up making me believe them? I've fallen into a spiral of hopelessness several times before and it's horrible and scary and I really don't want to do that to myself. Does anyone else struggle with these kinds of worries? How do you carry on doing the exposures when you're so worried that they might have a bad effect?

My psychologist said its just ocd and that it has taken away my sexual/gender identity but even him saying that I felt no relief no reassurance or closure or anything. Not that I dont believe his judgement but I dont think it is a ocd matter and I feel like I should be seeing a lgbt specialist or something, I dont think i even want myself to be straight or that I am gay/trans and want to work this sexuality issue out instead of ocd. I dont think he gets the full scope my thoughts/feelings/proof. I mean I legit feel like Im going through a sexual/gender crisis. What do I do, im so confused and worried

Do You ever feel spaced out? How do you deal?

I’d like some guidance please (not reassurance, just guidance). I’m recovering from HOCD and I think I’m doing quite well. The thing is…my brain doesn’t like that…AT ALL. I’ve developed a new obsession over men now (as a heterosexual woman in HOCD recovery this seems weird, I know but please bear with me). I’ve seen 3 guys lately that I don’t think are bad looking and I don’t think I want to date them but my mind keeps messing with me. I’ve lost myself entirely. I don’t even know what my taste in men is like anymore. When I’m having thoughts such as “he’s not bad looking but I don’t think he’s my type. I just appreciate him,” but then start to obsess over if this is true should I dismiss it like normal OCD? It seems as if my OCD has transformed and latched onto anything it could. With the fact that my HOCD, almost diminished my attraction entirely (which is normal btw) I no longer no what it feels like to fancy someone instead of admire them. Well, I do sometimes. It’s funny because in rare occasions I may see a guy and feel unmistakable attraction towards them (in these moments I feel crazy about ever obsessing over who I like because it’s obvious there’s something different with them). However, I also worry that my taste in men has changed because of HOCD and that concerns me for some reason. I think my OCD stems from a need to be in control as I have a lot of Perfectionist OCD traits (such as re-reading and checking, trying to make it “just right,” worrying if I don’t do things a certain way as I won’t seem good enough, etc). I was always very sure of my identity; I knew what I liked and didn’t like but HOCD threw that under the bus. Deep down I know who I am but I’m lost in all these intrusive thoughts so I honestly don’t know who I am half the time. Can someone give me some advice? Thanks.

I wish I could live unbothered by obsessions and compulsions. I wish I could go through life believing things without questioning myself into a hole of skepticism. I wish I could feel assured that things I am doing are morally right or okay. I wish I could feel assured that my faith was authentic and placed in the right thing. I wish I could feel assured that I am dating the right person and haven’t gone too far with someone I will not marry. I wish I could feel assured that the choices I’ve made for the sake of my moral beliefs have not blocked me off from a more beautiful human experience. I wish I could feel assured that my words mean to people exactly what I want them to without any clarifying or revision. I wish I could accept things that happened in the past and not think about them anymore. I wish I didn’t feel anxiety whenever I payed attention to the feeling of clothes on my chest and neck. I wish I wasn’t so grossed out by people, animals, inanimate objects. I wish I didn’t feel like I was going to hurt someone or myself. I really want full recovery. I want all of it gone. Even if that’s beyond what normal people experience, normal levels of satisfaction don’t seem to be enough to compensate for how hard this is. I struggle with feeling like “better” is really enough to make all of this worth it. I really want to be completely free. There are so many people who do bad things (or at least things I think are bad) without remorse and are happier than me because they don’t have this disorder. And yet the mere possibility that I made a moral infraction breaks me. I have been improving but it’s all still exhausting and hard and feels like the best I can ever feel is so-so. The option of spiraling into my obsessions and compulsions is always there and sometimes it looks much sexier than the hard work of recovery.

What happened to my brain? Numbness? Did I just become a sociopath? Please I hope I didn't. Memory Loss. I need answers. I feel like I'm on the verge of losing my mind. I AM UNDIAGNOSED, I don't even know what or how to tell a therapist about my problems. I've neglected my own safety since I avoided getting therapy since my suicide attempt one year ago. I'm scared that the therapist might make my OCD worse. I'm bad at expressing myself. Right now, I am trying my best to gain composure and brainstorm out a coherent paragraph for you guys to read. I don't feel anything. I want to feel emotions again. I literally am trying so hard to find the right words to describe my situation and my wellbeing. I remember a few months ago, when I was able to feel more emotions and compassion. I remember when I woke up on Thanksgiving's and felt that my entire psyche changed. I feel like a good chunk of my brain was removed overnight. Suddenly, I think as though my compassion and empathy weren't as so present. I started to ruminate A LOT about my feelings and constantly compared myself to a sociopath/psychopath. Every time I read something along the lines of "Socio/psychopaths don't worry about themselves being such things" as a way of reassurance, another thought wounds up screwing my entire process over with the simple question "What if I'm not worried that I am one?" or "Haha I am one" and then I get feelings of joy that I am one, but then I catch myself and then I say "What the fuck?" It feels so real, IT FEELS SO CONVINCING. I kept telling myself, I'd rather be dead then be a socio/psychopath. Lately I feel like I'm becoming more and more numb and emotionally blank. I don't feel as worried as I should be whenever someone close to me suffers some mishap. My dad called me to tell me that he caught Covid-19 and I ruminated and observed how I react. I didn't feel anything and immediately chastised myself for not feeling any form of concern or worry. I tried force myself to feel some worry and concern to no avail. I couldn't even cry. GUILT: WHERE DID MY GUILT GO? Where did all of my guilty conscience go? I remember I did things in my past that were so regrettable I would rather die than do it again. Whenever I try to look back at those moments, I feel like all my regret has disappeared. What the hell? What happened to my guilt? I just want to die and be forgotten. I spent a good chunk of my time lurking around this reddit reading about how people feel guilty about having thoughts like these, and I realized that I may be the only one here who's guilt has been lost to time. Or have I become so detached from my emotions and thoughts that they seem like a separate entity. I used to feel so much guilt for things I've done. What the hell happened to me? My biggest fears is that I'll literally become a sociopath/psychopath. I'm scared that I'll lose control and give in to my thoughts. I'm scared that I won't feel any worry, shame, or guilt. I feel so numb. I'm scared that one day I'll ignore my OCD thoughts and act on impulse. I miss my anxiety. I miss being empathetic, now I don't even remember if I was empathetic at all. I have POCD, ROCD, and Harm-OCD thoughts. I don't see a way out other than death, but then I know there are people who will be traumatized and scarred. I can't feel anything. I just can't. I'm emotionally confused

I feel like I've been palming this off as ocd I really do. Feels like I want it but I can't accept it 😔. But I still feel something for women but it has diminished somewhat. I don't even know if its there anymore 😔