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I feel like there is no hope, like I don't know anymore what I feel of what I want. Like I forced that from beginning for wrong reasons and know only seeking excuse to not confront reality. I only want to cry. I see any light.

Triggered by therapist Hi, Haven’t been in this thread in a minute. Anyways, I thought I had recovered from this .. but here we go. I’m F22 and virgin with no experience e.g kissing/dating. Anyways, I was trying to find a new therapist and while explaining my triggers and grievances, she says - how do you know you really like guys ? This was really triggering and I felt in the conversation she was trying to get at that because of my past I’m suppressing my true self. Just to give context, I was bullied by guys when I was younger. Anyway, what really got me is her saying that I should be open to both and that in her professional opinion I don’t know my sexuality because I haven’t experimented. I said fair point as dealing with this I’ve had to accept uncertainty. Leaving the call, I even asked her ‘am I lying to myself’, I felt paralysed. I felt like she was saying that I really don’t know if I’m straight which has brought about this outdoor spike. In terms of dating I came far last year - I even went on a date and this other guy .. I really liked him - still do .. But I just feel like I’ve taken a step back because I haven’t even thought about this in so long ! She even suggested that having some interest in lesbian porn when I was 15 means something but I suppose she doesn’t know me. As I said to her, sexuality is a spectrum no one is 100% anything .. I’m not the only woman that watched/watches lesbian porn. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman, I don’t desire to kiss/caress another woman - I don’t envy lesbian relationships ! When I go out - I don’t want to be hit on by women, I want men to find me attractive. TMI- but on two separate occasions - men have got me .. excited/wet I feel frustrated as she also mentioned how the black community - lesbianism is a taboo - I get that but I wanted to scream that’s not me .. I even told her I was propositioned by a friend last year and that wasn’t for me. I feel scared to go through with this therapist as I feel she’s going to try and tell me that I’m in denial. People don’t understand, I’m uncomfortable with this idea of being a lesbian/bisexual as it don’t sit right with me. Like I’m not homophobic - I can watch things involving lesbians and not be triggered because I accepted that woman can be attractive but that don’t mean I want them. Instinctively, I think we all know our sexuality .. if sexuality was determined strictly by experimentation - then everyone must have the capacity to be bi/gay - as they haven’t tried it ! Sounds stupid right ?! Has anyone had this experience with a therapist? Am I taking her questions to personal ?

I am so scared to start getting treatment for my OCD because it would mean that it’s real—I do have OCD. Not to mention how scary the thought of facing my horrible intrusive thought and potentially uncovering something devastating about myself that I wouldn’t be able to live with. I’m so scared that I’m secretly hiding something horrible about myself and I’m just unaware of it.

Currently freaking out. A friends gay brother texted to me “You’re a lesbian right?” I actually could throw up. I literally feared that he could “sense” I was gay, and he obviously did. I don’t want to be gay. I’m so upset. Literally my heart dropped to the floor when I saw that text. I asked him if he was being funny and he said “yes I know you like men” and I said “I feel like you weren’t being funny” and he said “I wish I wasn’t being funny. I wish u were a lesbian”. Then he told me I “honestly give bi vibes” I literally can’t take this I want to throw up

I keep thinking about something I did when I was a little girl,and wonder if I’m a twisted piece of shit,I feel like this event has marked me for ever,and determines the kind of person I am now,I am at a loss,I’m 50 years old and I’ve had this my whole life,and it never gets easier.Just putting it out there,I think this is real event ocd,has anyone out there experienced this?

It’s really bad. Like I can’t enjoy guys anymore and I hate it like my guy finally gotten solid shape and I feel bad for saying that because I wanted him skinny and now I’m making faces like I don’t even when I like milk body parts I like pectorals so the fact that it’s I don’t want to think I’m not as obsessed with him as a I hate thinking that I’m not as when I am I’m frightened he’s going away and I don’t want him to when I do love him and he doesn’t know me but I’ve known him for years so that’s a thing.

Is there anybody that can offer me advice or tips on how I can lose 20 pounds ? I’m a male and just want to get slim body . I am currently weighing 150 and 5’5 . I don’t like sitting and doing nothing after work especially when I’m just working part time . I wanna do this to build my confidence and have new look experience . I like cardio and intend on only using it for weight loss . I want to go 3-4 days a week and aiming to lose 4-6 pounds a month. Ik that is a pretty accurate time in losing weight over a month . I read online that it is realistically possible to lose 10 pounds a month but ofc I’m gonna start off slow and considering I’m not a very active person I’ll try and at least do the bare minimum I can to meet my goal. I will also want to be at the gym least 2-3 hrs a day . I will do rest days. My ocd wants me to do everything precisely and perfectly so I’m assured that I’m doing it right and don’t mess anything up. Can someone please tell me how I can lose weight?

I’ve always had a hard time getting up and getting ready for the day cause my ocd rituals were really aggravating and time consuming even when I was better I still had rituals I still had to do like dressing a certain way haveing to lay out my clothes in order on my bed put them on in the same order then doing hygiene which also was done in an order and symmmetry way so just putting on deodorant I’d have to count do the left armpit then the rite and count the amount of times I went up and down I couldn’t just put on deodorant staright out the shower and then dress something’s kind of make sense to dress then do hygiene but I made it a ritual and rule to do it in a certain order I got dressed when I woke up and that was it for the day there was no reapplying deodorant and touching up my makeup in the bathroom I had a hard enough time doing it once a day and it was somewat normal to get up and get dressed I new I had ocd and that I’d always have somewat of ocd even when I got better so I didn’t really get upset by it I just kind of kept going and liveing like that i didn’t realize I was creating ocd habits and the years passed and I’m still doing the same things cause I never new I could get help to stop and dress like a normal person I feel like it’s inbedded in me like this is my normal and for 15 years I’ve been doing some variation of these rituals wit dressing and showering doing my hair and makeup it’s aggravating and time consumeing and it’s made me feel like less of a person growing up was hard dealing wit this while my friends were all playing dress up for the fuck of it I was doing my dressing ritual and haveing to do my makeup and hair a certain way I was so focused on trying to just be normal and present that the way I was doing these things was just the way I did them and I’d get them done and look presentable for the day and I just wanted to spend the day liveing like others were liveing I wasn’t really focused on stopping ritualizing my dressing and grooming habits and I thought this was the way it was gonna be atleast I could shower and dress and do hygiene in a normal amount of time they weren’t takeing up my day I just did them a certain way and went bout my day but the past few years my ocd has gotten worse again and I felt like I can’t get help hospitals and doctors and therapists hadn’t really helped wit the stopping of rituals I had gotten better at points being on medication and getting things down to were I wasn’t spending alot of time on these rituals but I still had to do them cause noone was helping me wit that part of it but things have been so hard the past few years and I found out bout exposure and response therapy and that there’s actual doctors and hopistlas that deal wit ocd and I’m hopeing I can get help cause I no at the times we’re I was better that if I could’ve gotten help to stop doing the rituals that I was doing I could’ve been even better and not continued those rituals all these years but hopefully I can get help.

Cant sleep, have too much on my mind about this. Anyone want to vent?

TW POCD and Real Event OCD 18+ please You don’t have to answer but I would really appreciate it if someone could help me. When I was younger I struggled with having a weird and embarrassing tickling fetish and I would go and search for said fetish but to me at the time that was the only thing that I was after. I don’t know how it formed or whatever made me have such a thing but it’s something I regret so much because as a teenager up around 15 to maybe 18 or 19 I would look up this fetish on ifunny or wherever but mostly ifunny and come across videos, memes and whatever about the fetish itself. It wasn’t because of people it wasn’t about whoever was in those things just to me it was about the fetish. So I’m scared because of the things I’ve come across at the time because it’s a normal everyday thing that got turned into a fetish for me when I was young and at the time I didn’t have any bad intentions. It never crossed my mind like “hey you might not want to do that because it’s wrong” it never even occurred to me at all. Like I said it wasn’t about who was in it. I’m scared of what if because masturbation was a big struggle at the time as well I would look up or scroll which doing that so I’m scared about that too. Like I said it wasn’t the intent to do anything wrong or bad. Usually “bad” people or whatever would know for sure what they are doing and do it anyways I had no clue until many years later I was about to fall asleep (when I was starting to develop OCD) and I remembered the mistakes I’ve made and I started balling and I’ve been obsessing about it ever since. I would never ever in my entire life ever make the same mistakes again. I’ve told my mom about it and my dad before he passed they both told me to let it go that it’s in the past there’s nothing I can do about it and forgive myself. I’ve also mentioned it to my first therapist and she gave me advice about it but I don’t remember what she said. Hopefully I don’t have to go into super detail it’s about POCD so I’m pretty sure you get the idea but I have so many fears regarding it like “what if I’m a monster or p” or “what if it was considered or equivalent to the thing on the internet that people with pocd fear the most” and so on. I’m so sorry to go on about this. I’ve posted about it in the past and I can feel myself spiraling all over again but if anyone relates or can help me I would appreciate it. I promise I’m not a bad person and I never want to be. I know I should let this go but it’s so hard to when my mind won’t shut up about it 💔

Trigger warning Having a really really really bad episode I found a piece of bloody toilet paper on my bedroom floor. I do have my period right now but I can’t shake the thought that it could be from someone else. I mean, if I could track it from my bathroom to my bedroom who’s to say someone in my household couldn’t have tracked it in from an outside space. I’m just freaking out and I don’t know what to do.

Right now I'm scared i'm scared with attitude towards boobs are shifting like I do I don't want to start feeling like a guy. Like imagine kissing a guy but squeezing a boob in my chest feels weird my heart feels funny I don't want to shift my perspectives I don't want to humans to change. And I imagine talking to the shrink like I'm going to on the 24th at 1pm. I keep putting my hand out and I'm fine I'm thinking of you don't understand how badly I'm scared that I'm changing I don't want to change. I'm scared I'm getting like sensations not like down there but I don't want to start feeling like a guy about boobs and I'm scared I mention talking to her and that my attitude change my attitude and boots changing to keep smiling weird and focusing and I'm scared. I don't want to start feeling like a guy! I don't mean to dump all this on you but here I am thinking of the heaviness of boobs and how big how they sag in the roundness and has said how they are they're not nice they were never nice before! I'm scared I am I don't wanna start feeling like a guy! I was trying to watch something funny and some guys like what is a poop feel like I don't want the firm roundness and when I look at what of woman's boobs it disappears like the scary sensation but I can't stop thinking of them naked like I do and I don't want to feel the warm weight I don't want food at all. I just got home thinking about them and how I'm kind of cringing the way I'm saying I don't want after all but I looked at like a long time ago I don't want all kinds I don't want boobs at all and I'm scared of the way I'm smiling imagining talking about this with a shrink like I am I don't and I don't care if it's OK I don't I'm scared the way I'm smiling I want to start liking boobs I keep imagining palming them and playing with them like they are but I'm not more entertaining than boys like them before and I am terrified that I am changing and I don't want To I'm scared of the way i'm scared I do I don't like the brown some boobs I don't wanna see my girl coworkers I'm scared I just like it's so pretty them sticking out I would not love to see them naked I don't wanna be fine it's just a weird feeling so I keep getting when I'm not exactly I don't know I'm not turned on but it is the way I'm smiling that's scaring me I don't want to palm boobs I don't wanna do anything nothing more that I don't like them there's nothing more I don't like but I'm frightened that's changing and I don't want to do it so bad I’m scared I said I don’t like boobs I keep smiling imagining big round ones heavy ones saving oh my God I don’t like the way I bouncing there a lot more than that more entertaining I don’t wanna seem heavy around naked boobs I’m terrified they’re not a lot more they’re not more entertaining I keep saying they can’t like I really need it I keep saying boys can’t think we more than compete I don’t want boots I’m scared I’m starting to don’t want to start liking them all the way to hang and I don’t wanna do anything I don’t like the way I’m smiling Sent from the all new AOL app for iOS

Can anyone please help me with my last post

You know how I know OCD is bullshit. My ocd/intrusive thought has morphed into something I quite literally know 100% that I would never ever do. Now I guess I still need to treat it as a maybe/maybe not. That is how I know it is not me, it's my OCD.

Are there any born again Christians on here who struggle with OCD? Been a follower of Jesus since 2017 and my OCD started in 2018 went away for 2 years and then came back in 2021

Trigger warning… Every time the commercial for hiv medication comes on I get a flood of awful thoughts.. there could be plenty of people with the virus living in my town who I don’t know about going to all the stores and getting trace amounts of blood on things, getting blood on the ground, throwing out bloody products contaminating the local trash trucks and therefore the trash can in my garage etc. I’m literally scared of everything at this point.

For those with contaminations OCD, I have two questions for you: 1) Did it start in childhood for you or after a specific event linked to contamination/based on science and extrapolating it? 2) Can you give me one example of a thought/worry? I'm just curious to see what other people experience

this is how everything’s been going for me. my pocd started off as, only anxiety around kids and minor thoughts such as “oh no you just look at her wrong” and i would let it pass. it was like this for 3 years. i noticed my anxiety starting being more terribly stressful when my dad was admitted to the hospital & we were in n out of there for months straight constantly hearing “he’s dying then oh he’s good again” & it was a endless cycle i started questioning why i felt the way i felt and why i couldn’t get a correct answer. i hid this from everyone. i didn’t tell anyone about what i was experiencing bc of the fear of being judged. he lost his battle in august😞 i was experiencing alot of stress and anxiety already it was affecting my job. i couldn’t do nails anymore because my thoughts convinced me i was i touching my clients hands wrong. or when it came down to one of my little sisters friends booking an appointment to get their nails done with me i would panic and cancel their appointments bc of the fear that not only are they a minor but that my thoughts would make me think i touched their hands wrong. i started having severe false memories that led me to almost take my life. i was always crying, anxiety attacks, panicking, stay up at nights questioning where i went wrong, wondering what i did to deserve this or if i did something in the the past that i wasn’t aware of. that escalated quickly to “what ifs, urges, anxiety & etc” my thoughts were torturing me again and i ended up isolating myself away from my siblings bc my thoughts convinced me i couldn’t be alone with them or id lose control. i made my older sister stay with me at all times to be sure i wouldn’t act on my thoughts. thankfully she & my mom understood everything i was going through & didn’t judge me for anything. i was doing okay for a little, my siblings were able to be around me. i was able to take my siblings to school and pick them up on my own. i felt so accomplished. i almost screamed of excitement bc i thought i had my life back. until ocd creeped up back on me. and now i’m absolutely worried to even be near them or alone by myself anymore. my thoughts convince me this time i was going to act on them bc i had no more strength to fight. yesterday my mom asked me if i could babysit her friends kids & my siblings while she went to the store and i said “i can’t mom i can’t.” and she told me it’s okay you’re gonna be okay. so i was doing okay until i got an urge and a thought telling me to get up and hurt them. i panicked and locked myself in my room. i sat there and cried and cried on top of my lungs bc i thought i was really going to follow through with it. pocd has been eating me up inside. im so depressed & stressed out. but what worries me more is the thought of “possibly” acting on those thoughts..

Had an edible yesterday and had a bad trip as well. Been ruminating for hours about SOOCD and other themes as well. Been kinda worried I might have a personality disorder (hopefully not narcissism lol) but yeah ocd kicking my ass. Kinda just venting, but yeah life is hard.

I’m bout to go to bed I’m alone alot my bf works all the time and can function like a normal person so he has a better quality of life than me so his life continues like a normal persons and I sit at home struggling to do the simplest of tasks it’s been rough the past few years for me ocd wise I had a similar trigger that made me feel like everything in my home was contaminated and slowly everything had to be separated and cleaned and stored seperatly my home wasn’t a home anymore it mite as well of been a public bathroom to me I had to stop doing alot of stuff cause even when I’m better I still have ocd and things are still stressful to do so when this trigger happened it was makeing things worse I already had a difficult time when my ocd isn’t as bad like doing rituals that I’ve just always done but everything got worse and I lost my ssi and got evicted and for the next few years I just got worse wit my ocd I couldn’t get up to get my ssi back I couldn’t get up to get my foodstamps my bf had to work for us to live and it made things harder but I was so miserable in bed all the time barely makeing my doctors appointments for my medications which weren’t working I brought my mom into an appointment cause I thought maybe she could help tlk to the doctor I then admitted myself into the hospital which was extremely hard cause they have rules like only allowing certain amounts of clothes and only allowed certain hygiene products they had to go threw all of my clothes which I kept my clothes in a tote to keep them clean I washed my hands prior to touching the tote to get clothes out they also had to cut the strings off any of my clothes which was hard to I also change my clothes a certain way and wear my bras and undershirts in order so I couldn’t just bring the amount of clothes I needed to have enough for the stay and to wear my stuff in order and have more clothes I do these dressing rituals and apart of the rituals is to put on deodorant then use qtips then clean my face wit face pads they don’t allow qtips and face pads so rite there was devastating I couldn’t complete the rituals I needed my clothes felt contaminated I didn’t have all my clothes to which brought me great discomfort I was traumatized goin three admissions and my mom and the worker didn’t understand the reason I was so upset crying I felt such pain and I no getting better requires you to be uncomfortable but this holistically didn’t have any therapy for ocd I would just be going there to be safe and get on some meds I was there for 3 days they discharged me I suffered alone no doctor therapists classes nothing they told me they didn’t have the resources to help me and gave me a referral to a place in Chicago for ocd I got out in hopes of going to this ocd facility but they denied me cause they didn’t accept my insurance all of this trauma for nothing I was already haveing a hard time now I had to fix all of my clothes and stuff back and try to deal wit those few days in the hospital it was so hard to just change my clothes everyday my life was so rough my mom finally helped me get my ssi and foodstamps which gave me alot of confidence made me feel like a person again I had freedom this past year has been going really well for me and my life I worked outside all the time I did alot of stuff I was happier I was letting go of the contamination ocd a little bit more it was finally my time to enjoy life a little bit I still have significant problems but things weren’t as strict all these years my bf had us homeless and not being a very nice person he was extremely selfish and not understanding being homeless was so hard on me cause my dressing ritual was a process I’d change my clothes a few times a day for years cause there’s be so many days I wasn’t able to do it so the past few years I spent doing this dressing ritual cause my ocd makes me dress once a day which would be easy if we had a set home this past year was better and still is my bf doing better but this new apartment was sprayed wit bug spray and it has literally killed me we were here for only a few days which I spent just being in the moment of our first nice cheap apartment everything seemed to be working my favor this past year and my ocd seemed to be not as bothersome mainly cause I’m used to liveing like this but the bug spray sent me over the edge and I see my bf not being affected by it just like all these years not working being homeless I spent hours changeing my clothes everyday worried bout changeing my clothes not being able to shower myself cause public showers are hard for me getting my clothes out for the dressing ritual is hard rinseing all my hygiene products everyday packing and unpacking them was so hard on my mind I struggled I suffered alone while my bf being normal just lived so this was suppose to be my time for peace even now it’s been a couple months since this happened my bf is in bed peacefully and I’m on the toilet crying.