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the NOCD Community

For years, I called my problem “depression,” thought of it as depression. Even calling it anxiety seemed strange to me, since I always seemed so tired and unmotivated and despair overtook everything. But I can easily see it in my behaviors, how I would avoid social situations, check the shower for dead bodies, check under my pillow for severed hands, come up with plans to handle wildly implausible scenarios, make lists of reasons people would reject me. But I always called the emotional part depression. At some point I realized there was more of a “sting” or “energy” to what I felt, but it felt different from anxiety. I called it “distress.” I have public speaking anxiety and the anxiety there feels very obvious. My heart pounds and races, I feel like I’m about to cry or vomit, I sweat. But I don’t really feel emotional distress (I used to, but I’m used to it by now). But when I experience obsessions it’s different. My heart pounds but it doesn’t race. My skin, chest, and throat feel sensitive, but the physical symptoms aren’t nearly as bad as the public speaking anxiety. But I feel so much pain in those moments. Anybody experience something similar?

Can real event ocd, or ocd in general make you feel bad for something you did that was actually wrong? I keep thinking about things I’ve done in the past that are defiantly wrong and shitty things. But I’ve never really thought of them before. I knew they were terrible things, and I’ve not gone back since. Maybe 10+ years ago (when I was 19-21). I thought real event ocd was your brain taking things that are trivial and twisting them to make you seem bad. In these cases I’ve grown as a person l, I’m really not proud of myself and hope to never go back to that place. Is this ocd, or am I suddenly just feeling remorse for being a terrible person? I just feel the need to confess to my wife again, even though she knows most of it.

I feel helpless. I have had sexual fantasies about women(I am a woman) but always desired to be with a man emotionally, physically, and romantically. I’ve never been with a woman in real life and never desired to. When I was single the thought of hooking up with a woman never entered my mind. I am married to my wonderful husband now and he knows all of the fantasies I have and it doesn’t bother him at all. However, I can’t stop feeling the obsessive need to define it and I feel it’s not right. I have this perfectionist in me and the need to have answers and define it. It sends me into this dark, depressive, OCD spiral I feel I can’t come out of. Does anyone else feel this way? I hope I’m not alone someone please help! Any advice at all is appreciated!

how do you deal with urges to do something you don’t want to do? for example, an intrusive thought telling you to shout something in a library. how can you silence that impulse? i can’t ignore these urges when they pop up.

tw for this i’m babysitting my baby brother and hes laying on my lap and keeps trying to put his hand near my crotch and it’s driving me mad

I’m struggling so much. I’m in a bad place. I’m considering maybe medication but I’m scared. I don’t know who to talk to. I’m missing my ex who was super supportive with my mental health. 😓😓

I can’t believe I’m a 29 year old woman wit ocd it’s insane to think that majority of ppl are normal and I no there’s other mental illness and other problems but my ocd rituals are rediculous and that’s it there rediculous wat is the reason for this illness that is so crazy that makes a grown woman incapable of takeing care of herself I can’t believe my life sometimes that here I am a smart healthy woman doing wierd stuff just to put clothes on I can’t believe my childhood was taken by this illness even when I was better it was still so hard to just be a kid and go stay the nite at a friends house I’d have to give these things second thoughts like can I go to there house wat bout my dressing ritual can I do it there witout others noing will I even be able to do it in the bathroom really quick and will the other girls do things that I can’t and I have to pretend I’m just not interested just cause my ocd makes me feel like certain things are bad even if I do attend these things will I even be present enough to actually just relax and be normal and enjoy the weekend no school hanging out wit friends will I just be thinking bout all the ocd things I can’t do and go home to do all of them to make up for not being able to do them and that’s the way it usually went my friends being excited for weekends and hanging out packing and unpacking so easily comeing home from a friends house and not a care in the world while I dread comeing home to put my stuff back in it’s place carefully and have to hurry and start the rituals to get ready for bed and for school the next day all while pretending I’m normal it sucks to just pretend I’m always pretending I pretend that I’m just as excited for the weekend and for events when really I’m calculating wat I need to do to preper for the next few days go ahead and do these rituals so you don’t have to do them outside my home wat would happen if I didn’t bring a certain item I mite need to perform a dressing and showering ritual will I not have my hairbrush and be offered by a friend there hair brush and not be able to use it cause of my ocd I always use a regular hair brush wat if there’s is a round barrel brush my ocd thinks there wierd and bad so I’d have to turn it down and make up a reason for not showering would the other girls play makeup and me sit there haveing to pretend I’m just a Tomboy when really my ocd tells me some make up is bad useing brushes to apply makeup is bad all of these rules running threw my head and still sitting there pretending I’m normal always lieing always pretending now I’m an adult wit no childhood and I still see woman excited for the weekend excited to hang out and I’m at home barely able to wash my own hair and shame my own body I don’t feel like a woman I don’t even feel like a person I’m just here existing trying to get threw everyday wit minimal ocd rituals and trying to do the bare minimum just so I don’t have to deal wit the repetiveness of it even if it doesn’t take long to do these things these ways it’s the point of not haveing freedom in my own body to do wat I want to do wat I’m suppose to do as a human being I can’t just do something I gotta prepare and take the time to do things and they have to be done at once no interruptions I can’t stop and eat a bite of food in the kitchen I can’t stop and answer the door I can’t make a tiktok bout the way I do my makeup cause I can’t even touch my phone while doing these things everything’s dirty and everything’s gotta be rinsed off and set in there clean area and packed away seperatly this isn’t a life even though I have a decent life I can’t live it cause I’m not even a person I’m just here.

Is this OCD? Ever since I was a child I'd had a weird dark obsession with tobacco and cigarettes. I would experience a lot of intrusive imagery of death dying, tumours, lung cancer and the concept of addiction. It terrified me and I would spend hours rumentihg on it. Neither of my parents smokes and I would try to avoid situations where people were smoking as it weirded me out. It was the 90s and they begun playing anti smoking commercials on TV. These would fill me with dread and to the point where I began leaving the room during and breaks incase I saw one. At point I went in a public rest room and saw an anti smoking poster on the back of the door. It sent shivers to my core and from then on I refused to go in any rest room without checking if there was a poster on the back of the door or now. I took up smoking as a teenager as away to gain control over the anxiety and carried on doing it until I was around 21 when I quit. The whole time the obsessive thoughts out if the blue would come and go regularly I would rument even when not around it At 25 I had a partner who smoked and everytime he did it I'd be filled with emense anxiety. After I'd been dating him a few months the anxiety of atchi v him do it became so intense I started doing it again myself. I then became obsessed with figuring ou how muc he was smoking so I could smoke the same amount. If we were in public I couldn't focus on conversations because I would be too busy watching him to figure out if he was going to have a cigarette so I could have one at the same time. Even though I knew it was rediculous I couldn't stop myself from doing it. Even the thought of not performing this compulsive behaviour filled me with anxiety beyond belief. This went on for about a year and a half until he out of the blue quit smoking and I did the same as soon as he did). This happened in exactly the same way with another partner I had a few years later. When it happens it's debilitating and it takes over my life. I have anew partner we've only been togethe r a few months an I had resisted the compulsion to start doing it along side him and he's just quit and I can't stop obsessing over whether he's doing it or not. Last week he had a relaps one day and he came hom Frome work smelling like it. I had a complete meltdown. I felt like it was all over me room a million showers and spent about 2 days unable to leave my house because of anxiety. There are other things that have caused the kind of distressing/obsessive thoughts over the years. At one point I became fixated on the idea that the world was about to end. I would have nights about it. And diialy intrusive thoughts about what if the world is ending. Everytime I heard an aeroplane in the sky I would go outside to check it wasn't a comet. I would spend hours googling super volcanos to make sure non were about to erupt. I knew it was extreme and rediculous but I could t get the thoughts out of my head. I also experimenced a bout of health anxiety where I was convinced I was going to get a tumour or something and would prang out and scan my body at any sign of pain. The latter two obsessions have since subsisted but the smoking one has been there since I was a chil and has as much if not more anxiety now than ever. I'm trying to figure out if this is an obscure form of OCD or something else because I'm trying to find an answer for what to do with the excessive and extremely obsessive thoughts. I have other exampled but for the sake of length I'll leave it at that for now

Does anyone have a type of OCD where you go down a rabbit hole of researching random terms using an endless amount of sources on the internet? Not sure if there’s a name for this. The thoughts associated with it are typically, “I need to figure this out and become an expert on this.”

I’m so sorry. I just wanted help. I feel like I’m spiraling again 💔

If you’re constantly fearing and panicking over harm intrusive thoughts, can you get to the point where you have little to no anxiety? I’m having that right now and I have not seen a therapist not even once. It’s so weird. Right now I’m just having fear over why I’m not having the anxiety anymore. I still get some fear from the precedes of the intrusive thoughts but it’s been going down. I’m confused.

I feel so alone now more than ever and no one will help me. I can’t do this

Feeling very triggered right now. A bad compulsion/habit of mine is to snoop on my partners Instagram and look at the people (ahem….women…) he’s following. I did a deep dive into one woman and found a couple of comments he posted on her photos from just over a year ago. They were a little bit flirty, but nothing too over the top- mostly friendly, I think. However, I’m deeply, deeply triggered by this. I’ve been to her page multiple times now, hunting in case I missed any more comments or seeing how many photos he liked, etc. He doesn’t know her in real life but now I’m worried that maybe they were talking privately? I know comments are usually just comments, but what if it was something more? It also makes me panic about what other comments there could be? He follows over 600 people- I’m not about to go through everyone’s page but I feel like I have to. I have to make sure there is nothing else. I’m not sure if I should bring this up to him or just try to let it go. It was so long ago, but for me, it’s happening in current time as I’m just seeing it. If I bring it up, I’ll also have to admit I was snooping hard Half of me feels like this isn’t really a big deal- it’s just a couple of comments. And the other part of me is deeply troubled and very anxious about it. Im not sure how I truly feel. Thanks for reading

i’m so annoyed, every time i read a trans story they always say it’s something they wished and wanted since they were born i never wished or wanted that was always happy with who i was and some others say when they got a bit older and found out what transgender meant they were happy and wanted that but i’ve known what transgender was for years and i never had any meaning to it i supported it but i didn’t react i’ve never felt gender dysphoria either or hated my body most say they do as a kid i never did i’m not the most masculine man but i’m not very feminine either i’m like maybe in the middle? i’m like bi/gay as well so i feel it’s harder to have tocd when ur bi/gay this tocd all happened a month ago and it’s just been annoying me since and it’s making me think i must become a girl and change who i am and it kills me and makes me so sad like i don’t want that and just want to stay me.

Anyone here with cOCD who had their symptoms almost completely disappear after changing their environment? I'm still on my personal misdiagnosis quest and I'm wondering if it's part of OCD for those diagnosed. I was in a horrible place and moved back home, and a couple family members are currently covid+ and I just wear my mask and have zero anxiety about it.

Hi everyone this is my first time seeking help for OCD or even talking about My OCD. I have intrusive thoughts about harm which has affected every aspect of myself as well as being a mother and wife that I wanna be. My thoughts are so real and so vivid in my mind that it stomachs me even though I have no evil bones in my body and I couldn’t even hurt a fly my mind tends to tell me that I’m not to be trusted that I can hurt someone and my OCD always goes after my kids which I hate the most because it makes me stay away from them doesn’t even let me hug them or bond with them I feel my OCD has taken a lot from me as far as being a mother. Even taking them to school is a challenge or staying along with them is even a harder challenge I’ve literally been dealing with this all by myself for years and years and I feel that at this point my kids might think I’m cold or uninterested in them and possibly don’t even love them which breaks my heart because all I wanna do is be close to them and love them but my thoughts don’t let me do that I’m so gentle with my kids and I try to be there with them in every aspect that I possibly can but as soon as I leave I’m panic with anxiety and worry and there’s a lot of What Ifs in my mind which makes me stay home and miss out on all the great things that my kids are accomplishing. The shame and guilt for having the thought that’s really kills me too I’m in this crazy cycle all I want is to be an involved mom I wanna be without having to worry or stay away or keep myself in a room. I recently told my husband all my thoughts and it was the hardest thing I had to do was be vulnerable and open I wasn’t sure what kind of reaction I was gonna get I literally thought that he was gonna pack up the kids and leave me or even worse lock me up in a loony bin somewhere. But when I told him it was the exact opposite reaction he was so understanding and told me that he couldn’t believe I was going through this all alone and he hugged me and embraced me he doesn’t understand my thoughts but he knows they make me scared and he knows I’m in fear 90% of my day he also told me that I’m a great mom and to remind myself that they’re just thoughts I am more defined by my actions not what I’m thinking. I haven’t done any therapy or any counseling but I do a lot of research about OCD I keep a journal and I try to live in this moment forget about yesterday and not worry about tomorrow. My husband also has OCD which was hard for me to tell him my OCD because I didn’t want to trigger his OCD his OCD is with compulsions and rituals and mine is harm OCD with obsession thinking so let me tell you were always in some crazy cycle loop trying to help each other out. It is it easy For us. But we take it as we’re in this together The reason why I downloaded this app and wanted to join the NOCD community was because I want to bring awareness to other moms who might feel like I feel and I want to break the stigma that there’s something wrong with us I want Mom‘s to be open with their thoughts and break the stigma that we’re bad moms because of our thoughts which is so far from the truth. I had to learn how to be more compassionate with my self which is still a work in progress and finding tools that work for me which changes all the time I’m always looking for a better way for a better outlook to enjoy my day a little bit more than I did yesterday. I have bad days and I have good days when the bad days come along I remind myself that it’s just for the moment and this too shall pass . When I have flares I have to remind myself to love myself more that day take it easy and it’s OK if I have to be alone that day when I have a great day I really try to enjoy me as much as I can and hold my kids closer that day. I also informed my kids what was going on with me and my husband and there was a great video that I watched which was called unstuck it’s mostly about kids with OCD so I thought that was the best way to explain it to them so they can get a better understanding of what mommy and daddy go through on a daily basis because we know that OCD is here to stay we just gotta find better ways for the days. I’m always up open for tips and if anybody just needs to chat this is what I signed on for

Would love to pray for you. Please post your prayer requests. Either tonight or early morning I will pray and reply. Take care. God understands what you are going through!

I haven’t really had real friends in years, except for my cousin which is like my best friend. But for all of these years at school when I would be alone with my school friends, I would constantly talk, but in my head. It was like my mind was my comfort place kinda. I didn’t really talk what was on my mind so I said a lot of it in my head. I would have thoughts such as “she’s/he’s cute” even when I wouldn’t think that and would say no in my head, but I would still constantly get these thoughts. Now, I have Harm OCD so it’s very tough because I feel like I can’t control my thoughts and it feels like sometimes I force these intrusive thoughts. What if my intrusive thoughts never go away and they just act like the thoughts I had before?

Hi everyone, I have recently found out that what I thought for years was anxiety or phobias is OCD. This came about only when I was unable to function. I am now working with a therapist and using ERP. This is all really new and would love to hear any stories of hope. Especially if anyone out there fixates on anything that could affect their health - because right now delaying my compulsions is basically fighting the feeling of dying 😔 Right now I feel entirely overwhelmed. I feel like my nervous system has been on edge for weeks. I do get small windows where it seems to relax a little but I am exhausted. I am a few days in trying to track not responding to my anxiety. But it isn’t like it always disappears after some time. I spent most of yesterday feeling so anxious. It can persist for hours and hours and sometimes it feels like days. Is this normal? Has anyone had similar experiences? I am trying to bring my overall anxiety down hoping this will help - decreasing caffeine and going to do some mindfulness today. This feels so futile right now 😞 guess I need to hear that’s normal

Real Event OCD has been kicking my butt the past week. Got covid so i’ve been stuck in my room ruminating and alone. Does anyone else have real event ocd over so many different events? it’s like i have the same memories and events that bother me that my ocd will throw at me, then i have to engage in the same ruminating and rationalizing to calm myself down and be able to move on.