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I have severe sensorimotor obssession about my breathing i dont know what to do

im super duper new here and i immediately want to get this off my chest. its such a confusing situation. a few months ago i was in an online friendship with someone who was 16 (i am 13), and they dealt with constant abuse that was both physical, emotional, and sexual. i began to cry about them every single night and check messages to see if theyve replied almost every single minute. id edit my responses if they didnt respond for a bit in fear i had said something wrong. after they told me about multiple traumatic situations in detail, i began to obsessively think about me being hurt like that or me hurting other people. i questioned if i had ever hurt someone before or someones hurt me- the thoughts felt too real and absolutely terrifying. i felt like i wasnt allowed to be happy or be me. i literally began avoiding everything that made me happy. i wouldnt even read books or draw. just seeing that persons icon gave me a sense of despair. i completely pushed away all of my other friends. there was a specific fictional character that i find comfort in (and still do), but because that person had an incredibly negative concept of the character, i thought i was a bad person for liking them (and i still feel this way) i didnt know it was a bad friendship until i told somebody else about it. it got worse though. eventually i began to think that self harm was the only way out- that it was the only way that person would feel better. throughout all of this they kept on saying they were okay, but that unfazed my anxiety and obsession. i constantly tried to cut myself, watch things that made me upset (crime stories etc), and enforce rules on myself to be a "better friend". this went on for months. i found out i had ocd through all of this, and the person finally cut off the friendship. i cried very hard that night. its now been a few months out of that friendship and i still feel the need to constantly trigger myself-ill search up childhood sexual assault on social media and be absolutely swarmed by my emotions. my compulsions get mixed up and i will pace around for hours to the point where i physically cant walk. im in stages of recovery, but that situation hurts me so much- i still feel as if i cant be happy. i feel like im connected to that person on chains. am i allowed to be mad at them? they didnt mean to do any of that, but the damage was severe. im recovering, and so far what i need help with the most is hygiene and cooking. please suggest helpful ways to not be afraid or anxious to cook or have better hygiene, or your thoughts on the situation i went through. thank you!!! i hope this app helps me

I have this image that comes to my mind without a warning. In this Image, I touch a child inappropiately to an inappropiate area. Im not afraid of doing something bad to a child, but Im afraid of this image because it brings along the high anxiety as it makes me doubt if I d i d something bad. It feels almost true. Because of this I used to avoid changing nappies, washing our baby etc. My compulsion was, and somewhat still is, avoidance of certain situations+ rumination. Have noticed counting to be one as well (almost like keeping track of time, or mind busy when being in a situation that I know the image may pop in my head) Have learned to avoid both of these but after the image Im left with anxiety, which turns to sadness, feeling very low. I used to have these daily when our child was a baby and still when she was a toddler, now the image comes may be once in two weeks. Still every time Im left with this same lowness. I had this kind of moment yesterday and again it feels almost true- what if I did touch her. Does anybody have similar situation? Also, if there is professional on the line, I would like to start Erp. I don't know how to proceed without support. Thank you beforehand for any advice.

I'm really scared I've poisoned myself... ....I dyed my hair yesterday evening and had a shower after and some of the water was still stoned with the dye. This evening I had a shower and the after still seemed a bit tinted. Some of the water (that must have gone through my dyed hair) ran down my face and into my mouth. I spat out a few times and I accidently swallowed. I'm now really worried am going to die in my sleep from poisoning :(

I just feel like I don’t care anymore. I’m so exhausted of swinging between constant thoughts and numbness. I just don’t feel like I can sustain the feeling of love. My boyfriend will find someone else. I know he thinks he loves me but I know he could also love again. He’d be fine if I just disappeared. I just hate myself and don’t want anyone to love me. There’s always going to be other people in the world a person will have a connection with so he could move past me just fine. No one connection means anything.

My OCD story: Well where do I begin, I have been doing rituals since 4 years ago. I started doing rituals because I think I was having a really bad week at school and when I started doing the rituals they seemed to be making things better, and gradually I just started doing loads of them and I just lost track of how many I had, it was unbearable. Fast forward 4 years and here I am, I was upset anyway because I was feeling anxious because someone looked at me funny and I started panicking and I was thinking stuff like, what if they hate me and why were they looking at me. At the time I was opening up to my mum and we was watching a series at the time I was opening up to her. Then suddenly, a scene came on where there were terrorists and I just froze, what if I am a terrorist, and since then I haven’t been able to get out of my head the thought of being a terrorist and my mind convincing me that I am one even though I know I am not. I am still struggling with these thoughts now and your mind really does a good job in to thinking you are an evil terrorist even though deep down you know you’d never do something like that. I have managed to stop the rituals now but I still suffer with the thoughts which makes me think “maybe it isn’t OCD then as I don’t do any compulsions, maybe I am just evil” and then I always get stressed out and reply with “No, I am not” which I know isn’t good and I try to not reply and just let them be there but I just don’t know how to, it’s so hard. I’m really impatient with meditating. When I first started having the thoughts I couldn’t eat, I can eat now and go out but I am always getting the thoughts. The only time I don’t get the thoughts is if I am really busy doing stuff like work etc, I also get the same thing with like school shootings anything to do with that sort of terrorism stuff, I hate it so much. I have been to the doctors and I am on antidepressants and I am also getting therapy for it but will it help me? Would you say I have OCD? My intrusive thoughts always seem to target the things I like most so for example they target when I go to football games, my brain tells me I am going to commit an attack here and it makes me upset and it also happens when I go to college and my brain tells me I am going to commit an attack there which also upsets me. My brain also tells me when I start working (which I want to do) I am going to spend all of my money on weapons which therefore prevents me from wanting to get a job which means I can’t buy stuff that I want or start driving as I need money for it. Lately, my OCD has been weird because I have been getting the thoughts but I don’t get as anxious which makes me feel like, maybe it is just me, maybe I am a terrorist, maybe I will act on it which therefore makes me feel weird and scares me a bit but doesn’t scare me as much as it should do because I want to be really scared of the thought of acting out on it (which I used to be) but now I don’t react to it with as much anxiety but the thoughts are there and I feel like I should be reacting to them in a way where I shut them down but I am not. This all stemmed from when my doctor asked me, “am I planning something” and I said no but since then it has just stuck in my head and it has been like, “what if I am planning something” or what if I do plan something. Lately, I’ve been talking to a girl that I really like and my thoughts targeted her because I really like her, like when I met her my brain was telling me I was going to hurt her or her family when I obviously wasn’t going to and I’ve tried to just let the thoughts be there but sometimes it just gets too much for you and you can’t not get emotional. I cried a lot the other day about it. I’m starting therapy tomorrow so hopefully I can get some help. I also seem to get triggered by reading about what other people experienced because I read about other people’s experiences with their OCD and some had paedophilic OCD and I was like what if I am one of them? And then I looked at a young girl and my brain told me I was attracted to her but I obviously wasn’t but that one came for like 2 days non stop and then stopped. When I hear loud noises I also think about terrorism things like, gun shots or bombs and it really scares me. I also have horrible thoughts like, what if I get angry and act out on any thoughts and it really stresses me out or what if one of my close family members pass and I act out in a bad way due to not coping with the grief. I also get quite worried because I never see anyone with my sort of intrusive thoughts and it makes me feel like it isn’t OCD which stresses me out and makes me overthink. Then we go back to my relationship with my girlfriend, I always have thoughts of do I love her, do I want to be with her. Always checking my feelings to see if I love her. Then I’ll see another good looking girl and I’ll be like wow she was a good looking girl then get thoughts of, does that mean I love her and not my girlfriend. I also get the odd inappropriate sexual thought about my own mum who I am really close to as I can tell her anything but yeah. The themes always switch up, one week I struggle with one worse, the next another theme and so on. It doesn’t help that at my work, I work in a kid section in a shop and the intrusive thoughts kick in.... What do you guys think? Sound like OCD? Sorry for the really long message.

Its fucking DISGUSTING to me that when my sister pees in the middle of the night (it’s only 12:30) she doesn’t flush and she doesn’t wash her hands, because she doesn’t want the noise to wake anyone up. I have kidney issues I pee easily three times in the middle of the night, ALWAYS wash my hands ALWAYS flush (and I have to flush TWICE once before I pee because she leaves pee and toilet paper in the toilet, and then AFTER I pee) I tell her this she doesn’t care. I HATE living here.

my mom doesn’t understand that sexual topics make me uncomfortable and cause my intrusive thoughts to go through the roof. she wants to watch this movie with me but I know there is sexual material in it so I just tell her I don’t want to watch it. but it got to a point where she got mad at me for not wanting to watch it with her. so today I tried to calmly explain to her why I have a hard time watching it and she completely shut me down. I always try and explain how my brain works to her and it’s almost like she doesn’t want to hear any of it. she cut me off mid sentence and was like “okay annalise I get it I get it whatever”. and that was the end of our conversation.

So anti-vaxxers rightly get a lot of backlash from the mainstream, but I keep thinking about how parents that dont "believe" In either mental illness, or in the many scientifically tested ways of treating mental illness, deprive their children of mental healthcare.... And thats just......... Normal. It's totally different if it's something parents can't afford (which is itself a horror and injustice). I know there are side effects to many psychiatric meds, especially for minors, but there are very safe ways of trying medications, and lots of alternatives, like therapy. Im just talking sorry, this keeps bothering me, especially when people talk about the anti-vaxxers. I wish there was that same energy behind childrens mental health.

How can I do exposure therapy if my compulsions are all in my head. The only thing I do is I just think about my obsession over and over and over until I am so wrecked with guilt and panic I can’t move or breath.

How do people get out of bed early in the morning and do the shit they need to do and go out every day? When I don’t have morning classes I usually stay in bed until 1 and I’m still not in a state to do anything. I just don’t understand how I can see people on Snapchat at a party 10 hours ago then I wake up and they’re at a tailgate, like I can’t even bring myself to go to a single party (both because of anxiety and because I don’t enjoy it, I don’t drink), how does anyone even have the energy to do that? I get exhausted by going about everyday life mainly stuck in my dorm for most of the day. It’s so hard to find people to relate to and connect with when basically the only thing people do on campus is drink and go to clubs and parties, or someone doesn’t then usually they are someone who quite frankly I don’t want to associate myself with because they are just to weird for me (no offense to them, just not for me). Like yea I’m not normal but I’m somewhere in between, in a place where it feels like there really aren’t many others like me who enjoy the same things I do. Although recently I’ve been so caught up in my own head that it’s getting hard to even tell what are the things I enjoy.

Anyone ever had exercising compulsions? (I.e having to exercise everyday) how did you dealwith them?

Ugh I am out of control! So seven weeks ago I had a baby, she is perfect and healthy and for that I am so thankful. 9 days after she was born I developed a DVT (bad blood clot in my leg). I was devastated! I hah eve come obsessed with this. They have even done two ultrasound recently and told me the blood clots are gone now. I will continue to be on blood thinner another four months. I have been to the ER over 13 times(not including seeing my doctor twice a week!). I am so obsessed, it’s all I can think about. Now after we got the scans back and they were good I’m worried I have some crazy blood clotting disorder. They tested me for the top five and they all came back negative. This is taking over my life. Now I worry that I have something else wrong with me like a brain tumor or cancer ?. My doctor keeps saying we’ve done so much blood work and nothing has shown up. But I’m so stressed

Anyone with ROCD.. would love to chat. I’ve had a tough day. I didn’t bring up my irrational thought of the day to my boyfriend which is a win but I’ve been struggling all day and in a sour mood. These thoughts are untrue, but yet they scare me so bad and they make me mad/upset. It’s hard for me to control my emotions.

How are the other pocd sufferers on here doing? Update on my recovery- I finished doing an ERP script with my therapist on my false memory. I described the memory in detail in the script and the repercussions. I listened to it repeatedly every day for a week. At first it was very hard and I was very anxious because I felt like the memory was real, however I pushed through and told ocd ok maybe I did and accepted it. Right now my exposure is reading a triggering article on pedophiles right before I have to go change my patients diaper. The disturbing thoughts come, but I’m pushing through. Overall, ERP has been difficult, but I know I’m going in the right direction because now I spend less and less time rumination and I still have intrusive thoughts especially around my pediatric patients but I’m able to push through and live life with them. I’m enjoying life and actually enjoying things again The spikes still occur but I can deal with them easier Recovery is possible! We can do this! Xoxox

I just watched a video about wedding photographer’s of Reddit signs that marriages would end in failure. One that came up a lot was when one partner (usually the male) smashed wedding cake in the other’s face and the other person didn’t like it and got upset (meaning their partner didn’t know them/ care enough to know that would make them uncomfortable). So now I’m worried that my very goofy and playful boyfriend will someday do that to me, and I won’t like it so we’ll he doomed and our marriage will end up failing. I know it sounds crazy but I can’t tell if it’s the Rocd making that up or if I truly have a reason to worry, because he does play around with me a lot.

So a couple of days ago I was reading through some posts on this app and came across someone talking about incest ocd. I was triggered almost immediately and have been having these thoughts about my brother and having imagery in my head about him (I saw his nudes when I was being nosey on his phone one time) and now can’t seem to get it out of my head. I just want these thoughts to end I feel so weird I can’t even be around him. Also, my anxiety isn’t even that high which makes it feel more real. I haven’t been anxious with a lot of ocd thoughts lately and apparently this is a sign I’m getting better because I can carry on with my day as usual. But it does feel more real and like I like the thoughts. Please help.

I keep drafting or beginning to write a suicide note/letter. I don’t have any plans on actually taking my life but I feel I already know what I’d write. I keep getting ocd when I start writing it and have to quickly erase it and get rid of it. I feel like my future cured self will be able to see clearly and realise suicide was not a nesaessery thing. But I feel like my family especially my dad just don’t take my mental health seriously like because it’s not some physical illness it’s not a big deal. It makes me feel so pathetic and annoyed at myself for even thinking in a suicidal way and it makes me think I’m not “bad” enough or don’t have a proper reason to feel suicidal. Im just in complete conflict and at a loss. I am drastically losing any control over my mind and how I think. It’s ruining my life.

Anyone here have HOCD?

I was doing good this morning at school, just having a thought here and there, but not getting startled by them. Once I got home, though, the fear came back. Now I'm feeling terrified, sad and tired. I'm just so done with this nonsense. Why can't these insane thoughts just let me alone? If I really wanted what they tell me I do, I wouldn't be feeling like this. Would I? This is just an illness, but it seems so real, it feels like I'm just avoiding the truth, and it hurts so bad to think about this in this way.