- Date posted
- 7y
Dear OCD Mums, you are not alone. I had intrusive thoughts about deliberately breaking my newborn's neck. I want to talk about Post Partum OCD and particularly harm obsessions which can be directed from you towards your new baby. Yes I had intrusive thoughts about violently murdering my baby. I wince writing that even now. I also thought what if my arms suddenly spring open and I let the baby fall on his head on the hard floor. These were my darkest days and it took me years to figure out what was happening. So if I am to share something here about my OCD it is this because it was by far the worst symptom I've experienced. If it's happening to you I hope it will help to hear that this IS OCD, you're not alone, you don't want to harm your baby and things will get better. I had severe undiagnosed Post Partum OCD after my first child was born 7 years ago. In fact it started when I was still pregnant. By the time he was born I could barely hold him if I wasn't sitting in a safe armchair where he couldn't really fall even if I let go. I was terrified to be alone with him for fear I would turn out to be a murderous mother. In true OCD form I was completely horrified by these thoughts and its heart breaking to remember how hard these terrible days were even now. I was having anxiety attacks left, right and centre. I couldn't drive without getting into a blind shaking panic, I was wobbly standing in queues, I couldn't hold my baby comfortably while sitting or standing over a hard surfaced floor, breastfeeding was not happening - although I tried it was too much of a potential neck breaking position for me and the baby wasn't up for it either so I gave up. I was frightened, confused, exhausted and anxious to the point of being dizzy. I thought I would faint just going out for a walk, I felt at sea if I wasn't holding onto the baby stroller. After 3 weeks I went to my GP who said I had Post Natal Depression. I was surprised. I knew this didn't quite fit. Post Natal Anxiety maybe but I wasn't sure if that was a thing. I was 33 and I had never been treated for any mental illness before. I muddled through it, I had some CBT type counselling directed towards mindfulness and then lots psychoanalytic type therapy which focused on finding the root of my anxiety in my past. No one mentioned OCD. I tried to recover. I took 50mg of Zolof then 100mg then 150mg as I was prescribed. I had my second baby 4 years ago and second time around I had the psychological support I needed which led to my OCD diagnosis, treatment and recovery. As routine for me as a Mum who had 'anxiety' after her first child was born, during my second pregnancy my obstetrician referred me to a psychiatrist who specialises in pregnancy and post partum mental health. After my second baby was born she spotted I have OCD when in my supposed final appointment I mentioned sort of off topic that I couldn't stop thinking about spiders. I had a nagging feeling I should her about it and I'm glad I did. It's all OCD. She referred me to a Clinical Psychologist who specialises in OCD. I met and spoke to him and he said "You have OCD". Again I was surprised. I thought of people with OCD in movies who have cupboards full of canned soup all lined up etc. He helped me learn all about OCD, guided me through Exposure Response Therapy, talked to me about ACT Aacceptance and Commitment Therapy and reintroduced me to Mindfulness. I haven't needed to see him for over a year. I still have OCD but it doesn't bother me much right now. I can live with spiders and babies and just about anything : ) Just now life is calm and over the last 6 months I've very slowly tapered the meds down to...nothing. I would be glad to hear your stories girls. It feels good about mine. All the best to you all.