Welcome to
the NOCD Community

My thoughts no longer feel intrusive. I think I might just be gay. I hate this, this is not what I wanted for myself.

Not in the best mental state at the moment. Therapy is tmw but I’m struggling with forgiving myself for being mean to myself and just stopping the mean comments in general. I feel stuck and I barley have any love toward myself

Has anyone experienced not being able to recall something you did recently? I don't mean several hours later. I mean like 5 - 10 minutes later. Scenario #1: Yesterday, I paused a video without being able to recall when I paused it. During this time, I was also playing a game and waiting for my group to get ready. And while waiting I was drawing. When the group gets assembled, and the encounter begins I get to the boss fight. The first boss fight isn't far... it's takes less than a minute to get to them. It was when I get to the boss fight that I realized "Hey, when did the video stop?" That's when the sense of dread and anxiety came out. I spend most of the morning today going through memory lane trying to figure out when it happened. Scenario #2: I couldn't remember if I closed the curtains or not. I was going to use the bathroom before I went to bed. I get up. I noticed that I didn't turn off my dac/amp. I turn it off. I set my phone alarm to 8:30am for my appointment. I make my way to the back bathroom. I noticed that the watermelon is out on the dining table and put it in the fridge. I also noticed before entering the living room that the curtains were still open. So, after I put the watermelon into the fridge. I go and close the curtains. I close the right curtain first and then left curtain. I then walk into the kitchen and into the bathroom. After I'm done, I wash my hands, and this is when the thought of "Did I close those curtains?" Initially, I thought "Not now, don't care." But as I get back to my room, I couldn't help but obsess. I needed to recall this information or else. I laid in bed trying recall this information until few minutes later in bed and I was like yeah... I remember the outside light was on. Then my anxiety calmed down because I'm pretty sure that was the case, even though it was fuzzy. Scenario #3: I couldn't remember when I signed into my password manager. The thought would come and ask me "When did I sign into my password manager." Then I'll get scared because I cannot recall when I did. The rational side tells me "Who the hell cares! Obviously, it's you who else knows your password. Most of the time, you sign into shortly after you launch your computer. Why is this a big deal? You never used to worry about this before 3 weeks ago!" So, hopefully what you can tell from reading these scenarios yesterday. I can recall mostly everything (with some errors I'm sure) before and after the event that scared the crap out of me. But the part that I'm trying to remember there's a gap. Obviously, when that happens the thought that comes out is somewhere along the lines "Oh fuck bro, it's here. It's here! You have Alzheimer's. You're fucked! Your life is over. This is the beginning signs of Alzheimer's!" Similar scenarios like this have happened a few times already... like between 5-10 times. Majority of the times, I'm able to explain it away. It's anxiety. It's tunnel vision due to anxiety. It's being distracted and, in your head, and not allowing time for your brain to actually encode that to your working memory. But as I say all of that there's always the lingering doubt... "Just wait... this is the beginning." "How do you know?" "These are signs." The list goes on. Anywho, has anyone experienced what I just laid out? You're able to remember mostly everything before and after but when it comes to the memory you want to recall in question there's a blank like in scenario 1 and 3. Thanks for reading and if you reply to this post. Thanks for replying.

How does POCD affect you? What are some triggers and compulsions that you have? Also how does it affect your normal life? I’m just trying to figure out how many ways this affects people because I feel like this has made my life a living nightmare.

Hi there. This post may be a little lengthy so apologies in advance! I’m relatively new to NOCD. I’m currently on my 3rd week of counseling for ROCD. I’ve been dealing with ROCD on and off since the summer of 2020. My initial dealings with ROCD in 2020 left me bed-ridden for weeks, not wanting to eat or drink anything - just wanting to sleep it all away. It got to the point where I couldn’t decipher if what I was thinking were my true thoughts or my anxiety. From the moment I woke up until the moment I fell asleep. I was truly a prisoner of my own mind. It was such a painful and heartbreaking experience not only for myself, but for my fiancé and mother to witness as we didn’t know anything of ROCD then. It got to the point where for the first time in my life I voiced aloud wanting to die - just so I could shut my brain off and have peace. Since then I’ve been placed on medication and have been in and out of therapy. Until finding NOCD, I always felt therapists in my town (a small, southern part of the US) just didn’t quite understand what I was dealing with. I’m happy to be here on NOCD and giving ERP a try. It’s definitely different from any other therapy I’ve received in the past… but sometimes the sessions can be triggering. I’m currently dealing with a “flare up” right now. I constantly feel as if I have one foot out the door in my relationship. I constantly think of people from my past. Two in particular. I chalk it up to never having closure (maybe?)… but then I’ll have intrusive thoughts. Playing out scenarios in my mind, making myself anxious and doubting my current relationship - knowing that the odds of these scenarios actually happening in real life are practically non-existent. I’m triggered by topics of marriage, couples that we’re friends with being on the outs, etc. It’s so painful to deal with. I say ALL of this to say, other than meeting with my NOCD therapist, I’ve considered doing the group ROCD therapy that meets every Wednesday via the app… but I’m really anxious about it. All because of this belief that if I speak what I’m going through into existence, then it’s true. I’ve also never shared my story face to face with people in a public setting like that before. I tend to be pretty private. I’m able to post this because for those who see it, you don’t know who I am and you cannot see me and vice versa. So, if anyone’s ever sat in on a group NOCD therapy session - would you be so kind as to give your girl some relief or tips to approaching it for the first time? I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you!

Tomorrow I’m finally going to tell my best friend that I’m head over heels for her. I’m so scared and cautiously optimistic. How do you think it will go?

This question is for those who have already started ERP: Do your obsessive themes seem realer to you for a little while after doing ERP?

Recently I had a close friend bring up my mental health while this person was under multiple influences (not that that’s an excuse) and did so in a public setting. A setting of which that was night life oriented and that I initially introduced this person too. This setting is a location where we’ve both become very social since continuously visiting on a frequent basis and have become known as “Regulars.” We’ve not only made friends with others who go there, but we also have it ‘In,’ with all those who run the establishment business wise. I feel it’s important to give a bit of a back story because it both all ties together and in my opinion; plays a major factor in the overall addressing of my mental health/history and the placement of where/how it was addressed. That said, does anyone else reading this feel that it’s inappropriate for anyone to bring up your mental health in general? Especially, if you, yourself weren’t the one who brought it up in conversation? Let alone, in a public setting. Not only that, but also having someone whose supposed to be one of your “Best Friends,” assess your mental health history and compare it to your current mental heal state? Also, I’m doing so; this person dictated what/why/how my mental health episode was triggered by in life. Bring up my childhood upbringing; mentioning the loss of both my parents throughout my life thus far, my tumultuous relationship with my late father, my sexuality, coming out to my late father/followed by his ultimate passing, etc. Does anyone else feel that all of the above was/is inappropriate/incentive and overall out of line? In addition too that, an overall deal breaker when it comes to friendship? Let alone “Best,” of friendship? I’m currently in a place where I’m questioning this persons overall mindset behind doing so and if/what their motives were/are? I also am questioning my overall best-friendship with this person and whether or not it is a true friendship/worth addressing and/or salvaging. Obviously, this overall experience was/is highly offensive to me and anyone else close to me family/friends wise that I have shared this recent experience/situation at hand with and I wanted too also know/ask my fellow NOCD community what their thoughts, opinions and overall feedback is? Lastly, this is a 12 year friendship of which we recently became “Best,” of friends within the past few years. However/regardless, we have a lot of history, etc. throughout these past overall 12 years and my main focus in this post is whether or not this person was or was not out of line for all of the above? Also, if it’s worth giving them the opportunity too explain themselves and by doing so/if all goes well; extending the opportunity to maintain our best-friendship by giving them/our friendship another chance? This would now be the second time our best-friendship has been tested and a sit down to address all of the above would need to take place. Do I do so and extend myself/the opportunity for resolution and the option to move on and move forward? Or do I not even put myself in a position where it would be “3 strikes, you’re out?” Sending love, compassion and support to all those suffering from the monster and battling the beast that is OCD 💌

I've been posting a lot on here lately. No intrusive thought subtype is worse than rocd because I feel like I not only hurt myself but my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot lately because we are struggling with the distance apart (my parents wanted us to go overseas at my home country for the summer) and before that I had barely seen him anyways bc of how strict my parents are and they also cannot know. This has created obvious tension and one of the things he said to me after I got here was to "not find someone else." I didn't know he felt insecure about that and I never want him to and assured him with full confidence that he should not feel that way. Today I got invited downtown with friends and went and everywhere I turned it felt like I was giving in to an attraction to someone. They felt real and genuine and natural that it hurt me (from simply walking and looking around). I felt and feel like a cheater. I feel like I'm betraying him after even feeling any of this. My heart would shatter if he felt this way so I don't want to imagine the pain I'd cause him. I feel like I'm just lying to myself and bullshitting all this intrusive thought and feeling stuff because it feels real. It's hard to fucking think it's fake because it's just so natural. It feels like a natural attraction not forced or anything. And I hate it. I notice others physical appearance a lot and compare to my boyfriend and then try to reassure myself I like my boyfriend. I've been with him for 3 years and I want no one but him. Somehow, that feels lie a fucking lie and I feel like a cheater. I want my relationship and I only want the guy I have. I feel like I'm losing that. I don't know what to do. Am I lying to myself?

OCD is making me feel the need to confess to my girlfriend things I’ve said in the past (from long ago to within recent years) that were racist. We are an interracial couple, she’s a black woman and I am white. I’m deeply ashamed of the ignorant and racist things I’ve done/said/thought in the past and present and OCD is making me feel the need to confess. Telling me if I don’t tell her then I am deceiving her and being a fraud as she doesn’t know about these things and that she deserves to know what kind of person she’s dating. I know this is inappropriate not only as confession is an OCD compulsion for me, but more importantly burdening minorities with confessions like this is wrong and I wouldn’t want to do that to my girlfriend just to lessen my guilt. I’m not certain what to do because I don’t feel like I’m a good enough person to date her. Looking for guidance in this situation, I’d hate to mess up the most cherished and healthy relationship I’ve ever been in. I know that while I do have OCD, some of the guilt I’m feeling is normal and appropriate for my past behavior and mistakes.

CBT, DBT, ERP…. I still always feel terrible no matter what I try or do. I don’t know what to do… my life is destined to be miserable.

I have severe OCD and I experience all different types of intrusive thoughts and compulsions I fucking hate it! But one thing I struggle with the most is POCD! It makes me violently sick and disturbed but I know it’s not me and I know it’s not true but then why do I feel so disgusting? I have two children, one 5 and the other is 1, I don’t want to change my daughters nappys I don’t want to get her dressed (of course I do because I don’t have a choice) but it triggers me so bad and gets me in a state, I don’t know how to get over this I’ve had this certain thought for over six weeks and I can’t do it anymore, I’m so distressed they deserve better, why can’t I just be a normal person, I’ve actually thought about giving them up over these thoughts it’s breaking me and it’s breaking my heart, I actually can’t try beat this anymore.

How easy is it to stop your compulsions, how do you feel when you don’t do them, what are some coping strategies. Is praying constantly for my health considered a compulsion?

TMI: I tested yesterday with a same-sex thought and I became extremely aroused and I was about to you know what. No anxiety, no disgust was involved. It just really seems that don’t have Hocd anymore. I did have it at the beginning but maybe not anymore. I just think I’m in denial at this point because I don’t want to go through the heartache of having to tell my religiously conservative family and potentially never experiencing having a girlfriend, a wife and kids. And yet, it’s weird because even though I think I’ve become bisexual girls don’t excite me anymore as they used to (I feel like it’s fake) and the other day I was watching a movie and the women there induced an intense feeling of disgust, like I almost threw up. How did I go from someone who was insanely into every part of a girl to someone who has to worry if I will feel disgusted with them? None of this makes any sense

Can someone tell me if this is a real crush? Anytime I hear my female coworkers name or anything that involves her I get really nervous. I feel like when she is around I also get nervous and start acting weird and uncomfortable. I sometimes will think to myself wow she’s awesome and then I’m like nervous all over again and I imagine myself having a life with her and I think I like it? And then I imagine myself being sexual with her and I can’t tell if it makes me uncomfortable or if I want it. Also when she’s around, I can’t stop these thoughts. In the past, when I’ve had a crush, it has felt like this and I would wish the thoughts would stop so i could focus on myself and my work. Ive been obsessive about past crushes in this same way. I feel like I’ve had the thought once of like oh maybe I have a crush on this person and now I can’t think of them any other way. I truly can’t tell what it is but it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I can’t say oh it’s hocd because it really does feel like past crushes. I get so nervous around her. I imagine myself kissing her and it first it feels warm, like I do want it and then I immediately get anxious. I feel like the anxiety is coming from denial and not from hocd. I can’t calm down and I can’t stop thinking about it. It makes me sad and I can’t think about my boyfriend now without feeling like I’ve betrayed him and myself and now I feel like I don’t like my boyfriend.

Tried to expose myself to the thing i feared today and totally clammed up. Pushed so hard to do it.. Intense ruminating.. Tried to talk it down.. Then pushed on and knew that i had do it to get better. But in the end I failed and didn't do the exposure.. This is mentally torture :( How do i push in through while having these hyper responsibility ocd thoughts?

Does anyone else ever have this thought?: I feel like I am too smart for therapy to work. I am afraid that therapy is just a person who has never experienced these sensations (though they are intelligent and well meaning) rationalizing what is going on. I am afraid that I am treatment resistant. That I will always have these thoughts. I’ve gotten to a point where I can do exposures at any time. Sometimes they cause me distress, sometimes they do not. Being gay isn’t a choice, so why am I trying to solve it that way? No, I’m not worried about the religious implications. Sure, I’m worried about the social implications. Who wouldn’t be? I just need to admit this and move on. I’ve been dealing with this for 13 years, so I really am skeptical to the idea that these thoughts aren’t at least somewhat true. Do I want them to be? Of course not. But it’s not a choice. I can understand OCD about other topics as totally true. POCD, contamination, harm. These are topics that are about harming oneself or others. HOCD, though, isn’t about hurting yourself or others. It’s about keeping up a false pretense about yourself. I am a very accepting person. I’ve never had a problem with anyone of another race, creed, gender, orientation, or otherwise. How can I claim that, though, if I keep living with this fear? It makes no sense.

My daughter has OCD. Her father has it as well. She started exhibiting symptoms in kindergarten y washing her hands raw thinking she had germs from school. Then Covid hit and her OCD manifested in paranoia and fear of becoming infected. Now she is 14 and it has mutated again. She feels "dirty" if she touches her underwear after going to the restroom, she oversexualizes her cat innocently laying in her lap as something inappropriate, she uses hand sanitizer constantly and started lysoling her bed bc she is afraid it is contaminated. I don't know how to help her. She doesn't want to live like this but is embarrassed to talk about this most recent boutique bc of the sexual nature her OCD is focused on. Any help would be so appreciated.

has anyone else with Tocd lost interest in the things they used to enjoy/and do. I used to read all the time and naturally gravitate towards heterosexual romance books but I havent been able to pick one up since these thoughts have started, and I have tons I still want to read and desperately want to pick up but im scared of how I’ll feel or if I won’t enjoy it like I used to

I keep trying to reassure myself figuring all these things out in my head so I have some subtype theme of suicidal ocd and I had gotten this thought that what if I can’t live with my own thoughts and mental health for years and years to come and the only solution is to just end it all because no one should live with all these anxiousness feelings and thoughts that give them great distress well I got this thought two weeks ago and before that I was completely fine and happy in life after this thought it completely changed my mood and I’ve been thinking about it 24/7 like I know the thought is irrational but for some reason it feels real in my head like I think to myself why would I end my life for a ocd thought that says I can’t like with my ocd thoughts for years and years to come but initially before this thought came to my head two weeks ago I was completely fine so now out of no where this anxiety came and now everyday my thoughts keep saying the only way out is to hurt yourself to end the thought and feelings but I think to myself also what thoughts why am I thinking so irrational it makes no sense like why am i so Stuck on this thought it gave me a panic attack when I first got it 2 weeks ago and now it’s just stuck with me since I’m going to therapy now but I just started so I’m trying to see if anyone has any tips on why I might be having this maybe it’s because I care about my life so much that ocd is turning it around idk I’ve been seeing a lot of people overdose on drugs on social media lately and that’s what triggered me to get this thought because I thought to myself right when I saw something on the TikTok what if I can’t handle my ocd thoughts and mental health and I just lose my sanity and end up killing my self like one of these people that are on the news and maybe I have it worse then them and so you might as well end it because there’s no other option you can’t live with it and then I also think that’s so irrational so I’m in middle between these things and I’ve been having so much headaches and anxiety lately