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the NOCD Community

Dose anyone else feel guilty, like it’s unfair to bring an amazing child in this world when there’s a risk that they may also suffer from OCD anxiety and depression..

Hey! So last night I started taking 25mg of Zoloft. And today I feel better! (Thank Heavens) SO FAR, there has been no side effects. Is that normal? Should I brace myself? Is the worst yet to come? Is it just a placebo effect? I’ve had this medicine sitting in my cabinet for a month because I have been scared to take it. Some of the rare side effects is almost too much for my anxiety to handle. The uncertainty of it all is scary. For those who have taken SSRIs/Zoloft before, what was the first 2 weeks like?

Hello everyone! I deal with SO-OCD and relationship OCD. I see a lot of you looking for help or someone to reach out. So I figured I’d share my progress so far with erp and where I am at. I am a 25 year old straight male and OCD hit me out of no where a couple of years ago. I didn’t really know what it was at first so I tried to ignore it. That did not work. As my ocd got stronger I thought I was going crazy. I remember thinking I was bi polar or had schizophrenia because these were not my normal thoughts and they were becoming so intense I stopped interacting with my friends and family . I would go to work and as soon as I got home I’d lock myself in my basement. I remember it being so bad at one point I couldn’t watch tv or read a book because I was scared of having “gay thoughts” so I’d stare at the wall lol. I finally stumbled upon HOCD after a bunch of google searches trying to figure out what I had and if anyone else had this. Boom think god I was not the only one but that did not help me feel like I wasn’t the only one if that makes sense. Then I began to look for therapists. The first two I got both said I probably have schizophrenia which was very disheartening. Then I found a local OCD therapist and she was okay :/. And by okay I mean she talked about herself a lot and didn’t really let me speak and I wasn’t really feeling the vibe. So I went to look for a new therapist and got on better help which really didn’t help that much. The therapist I had was amazing but we weren’t doing erp so my thoughts weren’t really going anywhere. During that time I met a wonderful girl and we saw each other for about two months but my libido was all out of wack and I suffered ED pretty much every time we got intimate which honestly shot my confidence so far down it was hard to look myself in the mirror and not be ashamed. My anxiety really shot up then and it really got in the way of me being present while I was with her. So I ended things cause I was embarrassed and ashamed. And pretty much everyday after that I remember thinking well this is it, this is how it’s gonna be forever, for the rest of my life. Then finally after awhile I got tired of trying to manage my ocd and I honestly was not in a good place so I did some more research and that’s how I found NOCD and got matched with a good therapist who actually knows what they are doing which is great. I would say I’m about 12 to 14 weeks in into ERP and I’m finally seeing a bit of results. Now for the first 8 weeks I was still smoking weed on the regular which was not helping at all. I had been smoking for 8 years straight so it was tough to quit but I did and I can tell the ERP is working a lot better. Also in this time I didn’t start doing my erp on a regular basis like I was supposed too but I have been very consistent in the last 4 weeks. Now since I’ve been consistent I have noticed a decrease in anxiety and the SOOCD thoughts here and there. I would say I’m having more good days then bad. Hell I actually had a few days where I felt like myself, libido was back, no anxiety, and no thoughts. Hell even my golf score was lower two rounds in a row. Shit was dope. But then this last week I felt like a took a step back sadly. And even though it wasn’t a great week looking back I can still say I’m a lot better then I was 12 to 14 weeks ago. So these are a few things that have helped me that might help some of you or maybe they won’t. 1.) DO YOUR EXPOSURES. Doing your homework is key. Trust me i understand it sucks and it’s really hard to do them when your having a rough day/week/month but if you can become consistent it will help with those thoughts. It might take awhile for you to notice but get in a rhythm of doing them I promise it helps. For me it took about 6 maybe 7 weeks to notice a slight decrease in my anxiety. Also if it doesn’t feel like they are doing anything keep doing them and tell your therapist and they will offer other ideas on how to better do exposures. 2.) Be wary of drugs and alcohol they tend to make thoughts more intense either while doing them or within the next 24 hours at least in my case. I know if I drink heavy the next two to three days are gonna be rough and it’s gonna get me down in the dumps. 3.) Celebrate those wins! Hey when you notice your doing better. Take a moment and pat yourself on the back. Be easy on yourself. This OCD stuff sucks ass like major ass. I wouldn’t wish this on my enemy. So when you get a win take the time to do something you enjoy. 4.) Try not to reassure yourself. This is absolutely the hardest one. Honestly I still find myself slipping up pretty much every single day. But do your best to just sit with the thoughts and anxiety. Trust me I know it’s hard to raw dog anxiety but it will help in the long run. That’s it, that’s my story. I hope some of you can relate. I hope every single one of us on this app can conquer and recover from OCD. Maybe we will maybe we won’t. Either way it’s better to try.

Anyone else scared to be in another relationship again? I feel like I’ll end up hurting someone because of my so-ocd. I want to be with a man but my mind keeps telling me “what if you find out you’re gay later in the relationship” or “what if you’re not attracted to him”. All I tell myself is maybe, maybe not and that I can’t get a definitive answer on that. But still, it’s bothering me so much. I feel like I won’t be happy again, and all I have is the memories of my first/last relationship. I’m trying to be hopeful but I’m so broken.

The most helpful advice I’ve heard lately, I think it was from Mark Freeman, is “what do you want to do while you feel anxious?” (after resisting a compulsion). I guess it’s common sense, but we so often hear “sit with it” which to me, implies not doing anything but letting yourself feel the anxiety until it passes. “Sit with it” to me feels like I’m supposed to intentionally expose myself to all the bad feelings until I become desensitized (kind of like you would with a phobia). Just continuing with your current task or asking yourself what you want to do next and then doing it is passive. It’s acknowledging the scary feelings and letting them happen in the background but not letting them stop you from living your life. If I’m making breakfast for example, and feel like I need to wash my hands (but I know that I really don’t and it’s just OCD messing with me… this happens to me a lot in the kitchen 😅) I can say to myself “What do I want to do next?” and the answer might be “I want to drink coffee” so I’ll start to make coffee instead of being stopped in my tracks by feeling anxious and contaminated. It sort of tells the OCD that ultimately you’re in control and you’re not going to interrupt your life for it. I hope this helps someone else as much as it has helped me, because for some reason I had never thought of it “sitting with it” this way before 😊🥰❤️

Why is it scarier as a thought? Why do I know things I say when I get upset or triggered, panicked or mad I don’t mean after I calm down, or didn’t mean it the way it came out. But when it comes to my intrusive thoughts I get a horrible, guilty, sinking feeling in my stomach. A pit. Something that makes me feel like I’m lying to myself. I get hyper vigilant and anxious and can’t believe myself that they are just thoughts, that I don’t mean them and they aren’t what I want? Is it because no one else can hear it? So it feels like I’m hiding something? Is that the part that makes me feel gross? Do I worry more because it’s living in my head and not just put in front of me so to speak to where once I’ve said something out loud I can apologize and move on cause it feels more like it’s gone? If I can understand sometimes I say the wrong things why do I put so much importance on the thoughts I get and can’t accept sometimes people just think wrong things? That I have a disorder a chemical imbalance that makes/let’s more intrusive thoughts come through because my brain is wired to obsess over anything thought that may be “wrong” and it just goes on and on and on. I am about to become a mom. I just want to be better for my child, my husband. For me. Like I had a thought recently and I couldn’t stop myself. I was watching the call and the main girl that gets kidnapped was trying to crawl from the trunk through the backseat to escape. I’m looking around just watching and accidentally end up looking at her boobs. I started ruminating on it and of course made it worse and then when I told myself you don’t think that they look good, I had another thought that was like you know that’s not true. And I got that pit and I felt like I was lying to myself and I was oh god think it this way as in it’s there, cause she’s a human girl and don’t see any physical flaws so I don’t think anything is wrong with them like I don’t think they look necessarily bad but I don’t think they look good in a disgusting way or anything. They just look like boobs I mean and now I feel horrible because I’m like well what’s the difference between that and thinking they look good in a bad way and my brains like if you think that then you must think they look good in a bad way and I don’t but I can’t convince myself otherwise or what the difference is and it just all feels two real. I’ve been obsessing over this for two days and I just want to be able to let it go and not feel like a horrible person. I know there’s no way to convince myself and I don’t need to but I just don’t know what to do. I’m sorry if I’m asking for reassurance. I feel like all I deserve to do is lay in bed and not do anything but think about it cause I don’t deserve to not torture myself with it.

I've had this for a long time, where I think someone is watching me like, it's normally people I know or people from my past, I just kinda imagine they're somehow watching me sometimes? I know they're not but I still get like anxious thinking they might be. It's kinda like when you think someone can read your mind in public. It makes me worried that it's delusions or something quite serious. Or if it's just anxiety & paranoia, or because I'm alone quite abit. But Whenever I have it I start stressing out that it means I have schizophrenia or something :( does anyone else have this?? Very worried about it :(

I'm trying hard not to ask for reassurance here, but I'm in need of some advice. I know that I've been diagnosed with OCD, and I'm fairly confident that I've dealt with it consistently over my life. The theme has changed over time, and my current theme is being concerned that I may have narcissistic personality disorder. While I know that this obsession with NPD is a product of OCD, I also can't help but feel that I match so many of the symptom critera that it may be something worth looking into and working on. As you might expect though, this is kind of a huge conundrum, because searching for an actual diagnosis or talking to a psychotherapist might make my OCD about the topic even worse, or even if I get through ERP and then look for a diagnosis, it may cause me to relapse. I guess I'm just wondering what I should do about this. Should I just live with the doubt forever? If I do, would I be putting others at risk? What if there are actual things I need to work on, and by not seeking NPD specific treatment, I'll never get better? Should I work through ERP first and only then start thinking about this stuff? Or should I just not seek these answers out period? Again, trying not to ask for reassurance. I guess I'm wondering what y'all would do if you were in this situation.

So as the title says I have been practicing ERP on my own, I have only been practicing response prevention for the thoughts that comes but I don't really do volunteer exposures and when I come across a trigger or something I would practice response prevention so I wanna know about people who do erp on their own, do you guys do exposures on your own? If so how did you do it? Also the reason I can't do erp therapy is I'm still a student so I completely rely on my parents and so I have asked my parents and they are supportive but the things is as therapy is expensive I could only do like do once a month and I haven't gone to any rn so it would be wonderful to hear some stories that found sucess in doing erp on their own and tell me how you guys do it?

I hope this doesn’t come across as a reassurance I’m wondering if a trait of OCD can make you feel like something is “off” in your relationship, almost like something is not right and that’s why you have to leave. I feel like deep down (in my heart) that I love my partner but I can’t get over this ”off feeling”, I’m absolutely terrified that it means that I’m just suppressing the truth (lying to myself) and I don’t actually want to be with him. I’m so lost with what to do or how to think, or even feel.

Please can someome help me. I think I am possessed. In 2016 I developed very bad OCD after a traumatic event and started constantly worrying about the concept of evil. I was constantly preoccupied with intrusive blasphemois thoughts about God and the devil and evil I was in constant terror and in fear of the devil. I would try and avoid anything I saw as evil at all costs (people I saw as evil, numbers I saw as evil...) and I felt a terrible shame that I was evil and I could pass on the evil to others. I became terrifies of a boy in my school who was involved with the occult and so I stopped going to school out of fear of him cursing me. I was diagbosed as having OCD and started seeing an OCD therapist where I started to have exposure therapy which involved confronting and exposing myself to fears such as the boy in ny school, my blasphemous thoughts in order to reduce my constant fear. However this involved doing things such as verbalising my blasphemous thoughts (in order to desesitiise myself to them), exposing nyself to occult things which I hated doing. Howecer I slowly became less fearful of evil and started going to school again and living a more normal life. In 2020 there was a girl that I liked from Kurdistan. I was very fond of her and thinking of asking her out. My very religious friend one evening began talking to me about the occult and devil worshippers which immediatley scared me. I started reading to see if what he said was true and I came across something which talked about there being devil worshippers in Kurdistan. I became instantly scared and worried that God was sending me a sign to say that I shouldnt have abything to do with the girl that I liked. I was very sad and scared as I didnt want to leave the girl I liked a lot and so I remember asking God if I should I go aith the girl and to my shock I got the most decisive, strong and shocking answer that I shouldnt and that she was evil. There was this very odd evil feeling of evil suddenly, so evil anf demonic and alien that I knew it wasnt my thought. It was a force, a temptation a new reality. I coyld either listen to God and stop seeing the girl I liked or go with this evil. I coyldnt give up the girl as I liked her a lot but I felt this profound feeling that I was going against my soul and goving myself to evil. As time went on I felt I had to get rid of God and anything loving as it told me not to go with the girl and I went anyway. Soon it became that I didnt even like the girl anymore but this force urging me to surrender and et rid of anything godlike in my mind was still there. Bit by bit I felt myself surrendering to this evil and my love for life, my mental capacity, my will, my identity, my memories started to diminish every time I continued to accept the evil. At one point I decided that ebough was enougn and I prayed to God and I felt such pdace and truth and felt god telling me to follow him. I felt me again and felt I should tell everyone about God and evil and that I should live a sinless life. But I didnt feel ready to be so religious so quick and so I fell bacl into evil and the problem got much worse. The evil came and was constantly was telling me to surrender and do things I never did before like watch pornography, become reclusive etc and i did as it was the only thing that relieved the pressure. But then it became an addiction and I soon my mind was gone, I couldnt remember my past, think properly, I had to leave university, all I could do was evil. I decided I wanted God back but this was a barrier. I felt I was resisitng God and I had to really overpower this to get to god. I felt the only way was to punish myself to really submit to god and it worked. I had very long cold ahowers up to 5 hours etc to punish the evil side of me and get it to stop and for me to follow god. I also felt I had to tell every person I knew to become religious and start shouting on the street for people to become religious and confess to everyone i knew that i was evil. Even though i knew it was wrong i felt i had to do it. Soon it vecame to much and the cycle startes again.

Hi everyone, I’m new here and just wanted to see if there’s anyone out there who relates to me in any type of way so i don’t feel like a weirdo lol. I’ve had food anxiety my entire life, and it’s gotten progressively worse over the years. it started off with meat (chicken especially) now i’m scared of raw fruits and veggies (due to ecoli, salmonella, parasites, etc.) and now it’s even coming down to simple things like bread or milk. I throw food out all the time when it’s literally fresh but my mind tells me i’ll get sick from it. i stick to specific “safe foods” that i don’t think i’ll get sick from and 99% of the time it’s not healthy and it stresses me out that i’ll have problems later on when i’m older (i also have health anxiety) i even overthink about the way the grocery store workers stock food, thinking they’ve left it out for too long. it’s ridiculous. i love food, i’m just scared of throwing up and getting food poisoning. anything that involves throw up: i’m out. i even overthink about bleach and lysol somehow getting into my food if someone is cleaning near me. i hope there’s someone who understands in some type of way. i cant even enjoy eating out at a restaurant with friends or family. i hope after i talk to a therapist it could help. I’m happy i’m taking a step in the right direction :)

Hey everyone! So this week I’ve been feeling really anxious, and just overall a lot of obsessive thoughts. The majority of them being due to my boyfriend and I’s 6 month anniversary coming up. I hadn’t heard of any plans for our anniversary, so earlier this week I started dropping hints that I was going to get him a little gift. When I said this, it was kinda obvious that I blindsided him, but then he quickly responded with, “oh, I have some surprises for you too!” So after that convo, my obsessive thoughts began. Is he going to get you a gift? If he doesn’t, he’s a shitty boyfriend. How could he forget about our anniversary? Some time after though, I was able to calm down after google searching (unfortunately, I think I did give into a compulsion bc I was so upset) and realized that we never really talked about our wants or expectations. Because, basically every month we celebrate our anniversary (he is so cute lol), no gifts or anything, but he makes sure to make me feel special every month. And after calming down, im pretty sure he didn’t know that I wanted our 6 month to be extra special. So, I calmed down. And, I thought it was even more sweet that he quickly followed my suit when I said I was going to get him a little gift. But, yesterday, when we met up to hang out, he decided to bring me my gift early, and he brought me flowers. Then, my obsessive thoughts came back. I thought, really, just flowers? How could he do this? How could he not think to not make this more special? I realized pretty quickly this was the OCD talking, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And the entire day, I spent the whole day being hyper critical of every single thing he said. It was so exhausting, and I feel so ashamed. Anyway, at the end of the night, he was planning what we should do for our anniversary on Friday, and before this he apologized, and said he should’ve planned our anniversary beforehand. It made me feel immediately relieved from my thoughts. But, shortly thereafter, I was still hyper obsessing about any comment he made. And then, another thought popped in, and I thought, well I actually don’t really know what he was thinking or why he didn’t think our 6 months was special. Maybe I should ask him why so that we can have a fuller conversation about it, because afterwards he apologized, I accepted his apology very quickly and told him he didn’t need to worry about it. When I was worrying about it a lot lol. But I can’t tell if asking this is giving into a compulsion. Would this convo really benefit our relationship at all? I’m scared that because of this, this is why I’ve been so hyper critical of him and why my obsessive thoughts don’t stop. But that’s probably just my OCD latching onto everything. Any advice is appreciated :)

does anyone else just not feel like themselves anymore? I feel like my perception and just how I feel about myself has completely switched I just feel so weird all the time I do not feel feminine at all and I get kind of scared that I like switched a personality or something you know like multiple personality disorder idk but I can still remember everything or at least try to which has me really scared now actually because before I had a really bad memory but now I can remember like so much of my past I guess idk? but I could still remember stuff before it was just hard to. I feel connected but also so disconnected at the same time idk how to explain it and then my thoughts are so loud but seem to be like someone is talking in the back of my head or something I don’t know and now I’m really scared I might have this disease!! I don’t know how it got here or to this point I’m so scared now it started with me thinking I was transgender randomly and now I just don’t feel like myself at all or like I know who I am at all and when I’m with or talking to people I’m fine but then by myself I’m just panicking all the time and I’m always so aware of myself and like of my body I’m not sure if I’m experiencing like depersonalization or something i really don’t know

ROCD has really attacked not only my relationship but sex life. lately when I’m alone and you know, doing certain things.. I watch videos to help me and whatever.. but the thing I’ve been fixated on lately is.. my brain thinks: “You shouldn’t have to watch a video to be turned on. You should love/be attracted to your partner enough to just think of them!” Or if a little fantasy slips into my head of like a celebrity or something, my brain immediately goes NO! You should be thinking of your partner only! I feel like this thinking has actually done the opposite of what I want (which is to be okay with whatever but naturally feel more inclined to think of my partner more) .. this whole stopping my thoughts thing has decreased the amount of time spent actively fantasizing about my partner I’m not sure how to address it in my head

How to get past a false memory that i thought was real at first? I think I need to confess it to my bf

i definitely think my eating disorder is caused from my ocd, if not only spurring it on. it feels so good to have such a rigid routine on myself. it feels grounding, but exhausting as well. its so fucking tiring being so strict on myself every second of every day but if i ever went off track i would no doubt think about it for like 3 whole days in paranoia of what the affects will be later and how i’ll get rid of it. i fucking hate it. i cant help but check my weight multiple times a day; if i don’t i feel panicked and lost. sorry this is a post about an ED but i do genuinely think if i didn’t have OCD i probably wouldn’t have this. if this isn’t appropriate to post let me know

Hello I’m a mom of 3. I have many symptoms and am unsure of where and what to start with. I know I have anxiety, ptsd AND depression. I just feel that I have something more. I’m not diagnosed with OCD yet wonder if I have it. Everyday is something different yet the same. I’m living on my own for the first time and to know how I can be behind close doors scares the living daylights out of me. I’ve been clean of D**g abuse, clean almost 8 years. My thoughts become vivid images in my mind, the fear is real along with everything else that comes to mind. One time I was sleeping and my friends dogo somehow ended up sleeping under my leg. My dream was about a dog dying. I woke up in fear. Felt her under my leg and was terrified to check if she was okay. I lay there waiting for her to breathe. I feel nothing moving. I get up and look at her, she looks lifeless. I’m silently frantic because I’m trying to figure out how to break the news that I killed my friends best buddy. I try to wake her, no movement for wat seemed and felt like hours. I started crying, kept calling her name and moving her. SHE FINALLY WAKES UP scared and worried. I cried in relief and hugged her. I never had the courage to tell her momma human what happened that night. All of my pregnancies, I didn’t want to carry through any of my kids especially my first one. I feel horrible as a parent still to this day. Yet people say how great, well behaved and so much more. I tel myself they didn’t learn that feom me. I feel that I’m unfit. Yet, there’s NOTHING that I wouldn’t do for them to provide the best that I can for them. They hold me when I cry, ask if I’m okay when I’m angry. My oldest snaps me out of my daydreams with a gentle touch. My kids are awesome!!! Idk why I didn’t want them, idk why I feel that they do better without me. I have thought of death almost every day, these are my what if’s. No plan, just what if. My most annoying one is I think is the magical thinking, if I’m wrong I apologize. I feel that I should know what’s going to happen next, that it’s obvious signs. Even with people I’m getting to know. If something bad happened, I should’ve know, it was obvious. How dumb can one person be? I talk myself down DAILY. It’s painful and draining. I try positive words. What I’m thankful, what I’m blessed with. It doesn’t work. As I’m thinking of the words or saying out loud, the words are drifting before even getting “stored” into thought. They’re lost and long gone words. I’m not sure what else to put down. I usually only follow to read and understand as best I can. I’m not so great with words. Thank you for having a safe place to vent.

Anyone on here recovered from ROCD ??

Seeking reassurance is a sneeky bitch. It tricks your brain into thinking that some reassurance is okay. That if you can just receive the answer you're looking for to the biggest/broadest trigger you have, then somehow you won't need reassurance for all the smaller daily, minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour intrusive thoughts that flood your brain. I'm not sure about you all, but I'm at that point in my relationship with OCD where every experience , every conversation, every decision, every step I take has me wrestling with "what ifs". I'm in constant fight or flight mode and I just want someone to wave a magic wand and tell me it's okay. That my fears are irrational and I actually control much less than I think I do. That I should just drink that contaminated cup of coffee, because life keeps moving anyway. Unfortunately, that's still reassurance seeking if it's one magic wand vs. a million tiny checks, questions, or other compulsions. How do we finally stop wanting reassurance and just move forward without feeling like our brain is going to explode and we're going to vomit everywhere. (Anyone else feel physically ill during an exposure?) I just started ERP therapy yesterday, but I have lived with OCD since I was a child. I remember feeling personally responsible for the Iraq War, Tornadoes occuring thousands of miles from me, and the survival of my parents, all as a 7 year old kid. My recovery has ebbed and flowed since that time and I've experience all different kinds of subtypes. I feel as though once I have a handle on one, a different form pops up, taunting me because I'm somehow unworthy of a day without intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I look at other people and try to imagine what it's like to live without OCD. Then, my dog licks my hand and my daydream is interrupted with a lengthy handwash. The days can be really hard, but I am so grateful for this community and my new therapist, Danielle. To anyone else that's tired, I hope you can do one thing today that is unexpected and makes you happy. I'm not sure yet what mine will be, but I'm going to do something, even if I'm tired.