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the NOCD Community

I just got a painful numbing sensation in my throat and it felt like blood streaming now I'm worried I have a puncture in my throat of some sort or a vein burst or something

Even though I embrace something not real to me, Ocd still doesnt let me go. I try to convince myself ok i might be bi, but i still cannot get relieved. It feels like I have to act on it to prove I am really bi. The fact is that I dont want to and always feel the compulsion in my brain.

I have really debated posting here because I see so many people going through exactly what I’m going through. I have beat this monster several times in my life over different obstacles, my biggest trigger was being unfaithful In a relationship or lying, but then a few years ago I had some intrusive thoughts go through my head that (98%) of other people just tell themselves “that was weird” but I latched onto it. After a medicine change and tons of research I learnt people with ocd and anxiety have these unwanted intrusive thoughts. I somehow got over it and went on with my life. For about 4 years on lexapro I felt great, lived a normal lifestyle had great friends, everything was good. I got the flu back in February, and it triggered my anxiety, I thought I was dying. It scared the living crap out of me... to make a long story short, things went south, I’m still “stuck” it just seems to be something different every week, and I obsess over it until I vomit, my chest hurts, I can’t eat etc. I’ve somehow managed to keep my family, and my job but when I get through this I hope I can still say the same, so basically I was molested as a young child, not to a extreme extent, I’m a very sexual guy as most are of my age (24) .. but there for a while I couldn’t walk past a kid without thinking “I’m a sicko” or “I’m a pedophile” and to be honest the thoughts were very disturbing, they made me think something was bad wrong with me, I seeked out to anxiety groups and no one understood they just thought I was some kind of freak. But seeing a child does not turn me on, it makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety. And why? Because I’ve obsessed that I’m going to become somebody I’m not. Or that I’m attracted to young kids, or etc etc ... I have no clue why this has happened to me? Questioning that ultimately makes it worse. I’ve just been learning to go with the flow and remind myself everytime it’m triggers that it’s just ocd. (Hard as heck) it’s something you can’t walk out and talk about, without being judged as a freak. It’s not something you can just tell a friend. Holding it in makes you feel like even more of a freak because your mind tells you that your “hiding” something. Look people it’s real. And it’s discouraging, it’s the worse feeling in the world. I have kids, which makes it harder, because you feel awful just thinking why am I going through such a sick, painful torture when in reality you’ve never done anything? Triggers, you look at a girl in a dress. And then you look again to make sure your feeling fear instead of attraction, but then you fear that you just looked and question that as well. It’s hard. It’s unexplainable, and it makes it hard to wake up every day and know you have to fight something like this. But I have faith that it will all work itself out and no matter how scary it gets I’ll never run. If anyone relates feel free to comment or message, if you don’t understand this and think I’m some freak, good for you. Because I’m not. I love older mature women, I’m married to a wonderful woman. I’ve had plenty opportunities to act upon something like this had I really been this way before I starting obsessing on it. And the only reason it seems so real is because of the ocd. You’re obsessing over a FEAR. Hang in there people.

does anyone else obsess over the thought that they are destined to become a serial killer?

Has anyone deleted social media because of triggering things? I find it helps as a distraction when I am anxious but then it can be extremely triggering when people talk about being sick or a news article talks about an illness being spread.

Here to help you with your OCD! Please read! Long post! Possible TW. (Before we start, I have not beat my ocd... yet! But I’ve greatly decreased the impact of it) Also, what works for me, might not for you... but here we go. I suffer from POCD, and it’s been absolute hell, and even is to this day. I hate it. Much like you guys hate your OCD. When this all started one October evening, I thought my life was over, I thought I was a freak, a monster, and that I was destined for life in prison and sentenced to an afterlife in hell. Every child I would see, my mind would tell me to look them over, find attractive parts about them, even go as far as convincing me I have feelings for a particular child. I didn’t know what to do anymore, I cried to my family, didn’t understand how my mind could flip a switch and just change on me. I started getting rushes of memories (in which I hope are false memories) they would tell me of times I might of looked at a child in a sexual way, times I may of touched a child inappropriately and suppressed it until this spike happened. I’ve been through it all with this POCD. And while I’m not healed yet, not even close, I’m hopeful. Here’s how I’ve been starting to heal. In mid January I visited an OCD specialist, and she instantly told me I had OCD, she recommended an SSRI and to set up more meetings with her to help. I was unable to do that due to work, so I had to find another way to cope. I took the SSRI which happened to be Lexapro, and my god did it help me. While it may not help everyone, it made my thoughts less impactful. I started researching OCD on this app, on the OCD reddit and other websites. And I really started to get an understanding of this disorder. Here are some incredible recourses I can’t recommend enough: -OCDRecoveryuk Instagram. This page is full off posts on how to overcome OCD. Their are archived live-streams in which he goes in-depth with all types of OCD. A million times worth it. Please check it out. -Ally Graymond on both YouTube and Instagram. Ally has incredibly inspirational and informational short YouTube videos on how to start working on OCD Recovery. -Mark Freeman on YouTube. Honestly just a likable dude, he also goes in depth on OCD and ways to cope. Through these resources, many other resources and my SSRI, the OCD has started to lift. And I think, I hope, I strive to reach that light at the end of the tunnel. And theirs hope for you too. You’ve just got to fight. Please keep fighting. Not to reassure, but it will get better. For all of us. Can you prove that you and I aren’t that Pedophile, or that murderer, or that you aren’t going to get sick from touching that sink? Nope, and you probably won’t. And that’s okay, you can live making the choices YOU want too. And nothing else matters. You didn’t choose this. But you now currently have the choices laid out in front of you. Good luck brothers and sisters of OCD. May happiness be right around the corner.

I feel like messaging my ex I had a passionate dream about him last night. I also dreamt he pushed me away as as well made a fool out of me. We ended four months ago and I miss him, why did I have to fall in love with an ass hole, he was my first real love and I can't help but wonder what having kids with him and moving out would have been like. I loved him so much I don't want anyone else. I know ocd is making it so much harder to move on. He said I was harrassing him with all my messages and I was. I was scared of getting arrested if I kept messaging him like him calling the police but now I feel like I'd even go to prison for him. Why did he have to kiss me when the bells chimed for new year. Why is he still on my mind. I'm fed up with this he even said he fucked someone else not even a month later after we fucked a month ago. And that he is going on a date with her. He is an ass hole and I wish he loved me and only me. I don't want to live without him. Someone please help me move on, tell me some wise words or something, I'm crying.

One of my triggers is stuff like warts and viruses. I don’t know what sort of therapy would work because they are genuinely contagious ??‍♀️??‍♀️??‍♀️ and while my response is completely out of proportion I can’t think of a way to get better. I have to control so much of my environment just to feel ok it’s a constant stressor

Does anyone else journal as a compulsion? I can’t tell if it is. I want to journal, I always use to, but for a while now ive noticed that whenever I journal I am just going in a bunch of loops and rumination can happen and I’m trying to keep that from happening. I’m learning to shut down ruminating, but that also shuts down my ability to journal, and I miss writing.

I just read something about psychosis/schizophrenia and now I'm super freaked out that something like that could happen to me and make me actually do my thoughts ? I've been doing really good lately but this just threw me off so much

Does anyone else think they have messed up their brain to the point of no return after onset of ocd symptoms? I was in constant battle with my brain for 5 months since I had a very bad habit of giving too much attention to my thoughts. A couple of months have passed since I left my brain alone but I still have brain fog as well as depersonalization/derealization. it sucks :(. I would love to hear from you.

My friends were joking about some things and there was a lesbian joke and my friend laughed and then said ew. i dont like homophobic people, but it made me feel offended and i dont know how to feel lol

Picked my skin really deep again. In a lot of pain and feel alone. Could use some support:/

My thoughts are literally nonstop, 24/7. Feels way too real.

Any success stories from people who recovered from suicidality?

Fuck POCD Don't let it get you down! The way I now see it is some kids are better looking than others! Got to the point now whether I don't care if I'm a pedo in denile. I didn't chose this! Anyone else the same?

Anyone else have OCD with eating . I can’t eat refrigerated food in case someone had placed it out and it had got warm . I check packets got complete closure. Even to the extent that I’m worried companies accidentally put mould into fruity cereal bars . I’m scared

Last days I have been feeling very good. Did not have any intrusive thoughts, it felt like hocd was completely gone. Today some thoughts came back and I felt bad for 2 or 3 hours, but I ignored the thoughts and the intrusive thoughts left. I hope my recovery will be successful. Just ignore the thoughts and keep yourself busy, it'll really help

I’m not trying to offend anyone out there . I just need to know that ocd is playing tricks on me and this is not what I want . Ofc I’ve been doing compulsions like googling. I’ve been look up symptoms of gender dysphoria . I’m afraid that I’ll one day want to cut my boobs off . This is really scary to think about I’ve always loved my female body I have a very nice body . But now this hocd or tocd w.e is making me scared . What if I don’t like my body as a women? It make me sad because I see other women and they look all pretty and stuff with makeup and I think to myself . “ I like that stuff , I don’t want to be a man , I don’t even know how to be a man , I wanna feel like a women and be the woman I am . “ but there’s a voice in my head trying to tell me I’m in denial . Or this is what I want . I remember when I had this theme ocd the first time how relieved I felt when it finally left my brain I felt myself again for a good two weeks till I eventually got pocd . ( witch also scary ) . The point I’m trying to make is . Are people who are actually going through this feel this depressed and in a dark place ? Because I know it’s not easy for them to do that either . And it makes me feel like the feeling I’m having is true . Even though I’ve loved my body and been in girl stuff for 18 years. But I’ve seen people start to want to be trans out of nowhere . That’s scary for me . I’ve never felt like this before . I feel like this time it’s hitting me harder then before . The thought of me being a boy makes me cry and feel like my original self is being taken a way from me . Ocd has been ruining my life for months now . Most of 2019 ive been extremely depressed and anxious . It’s caused me depersonalization and causes me to literally wake up and go to sleep and live life with a rock on my chest I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and nobody around me helps or understand. I’m trying to help myself but it is so hard . I wanted to have babies one day and start a family . Ocd is even stripping me away from that by trying to make me believe I want to be a man . I’ve had thoughts of suicide over 10 times this year due to these thoughts . I want to live a happy life . Being myself . I can’t take this . I ask myself everyday what did I do to deserve this ? I literally cry everyday. Every night . I am afraid of what my life will turn out to be living with this mental illness.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has made me so drained thinking of all the thing I think I did and all the things I think I want to do that I am SEVERELY depressed. I don’t have a life anymore. I work only part time and just sit in bed all day crying or feeling so empty I can’t cry. I have ZERO motivation to do anything. Even if I’m hungry I can’t get out of bed. This eventually results in me going to work at 5pm having eaten NOTHING all day. I am in constant pain due to health issues, type 1 diabetes and PKD. I want to be a novelist and I can feel that slipping away as I haven’t written in over 2 years. My memory is getting worse due to sugar fluctuations and my depression. And my health is never going to get better. Sometimes idk the point of being alive if I’m just going to lay in bed every day of my life and cry.