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the NOCD Community

do people with ocd also experience derealisation/depersonalization? i feel it very often and sometimes i fear that i have bdp. i was diagnosed with ocd but i feel very uncertain

Not trying to play the pity party here but struggling a bit. I haven’t posted on here in over a month and for the most part, I’ve been somewhat out of an OCD flare and living normally (yay). I ran across a few Tik toks of doctors (psychiatrists) who are against SSRI’s and anxiety medicine. Well, as someone who takes them, this sent me down the rabbit whole. I despise taking medication and putting medicine in my body actually is really hard for me as this is one of the themes I obsess about (Is the medicine doing more harm that good. Am I going to become dependent. Etc). It just made me feel like a weak person and I wish I could handle my mental health issues holistically. Maybe I can one day but for now, I am not sure. Just asking for your thoughts and prayers because I feel like I’m going back into a flare when I have been out of one for so long. It’s the worst feeling. My dog passed away a few days ago and I believe the stress from that is adding to it 😓

So I was in an abusive situation spiritually and emotionally for a few years and didn’t fully know it until after. I felt like God was directing me out so I left and even other people confirmed that they felt like I was leaving soon etc. When I got to the new place, I had heard a pretty loud intrusive thought that just said leave and it crippled me for a long time thinking I was out of the will of God. I ended up getting a prophecy that I was right where I needed to be etc and so I tried to let go of the anxious feelings and stuff that I kept feeling. Then I get a job offer that I’d been praying about and the week after I get it I heard another loud intrusive thought of yeah this is wrong and you’re not supposed to be here and it makes me throw up. I’m trying to listen to God and see the opportunities and closed doors but my mind always tells me I have to go back to the abusive place.

I love being able to talk about my interests with others and I'd love to hear all your guys too !! Step aside from our fears and worries for a bit, What are your favorite hobbies ? What got you into them ? Would you like to pursue anything with them or is it just something for fun and to enjoy ? ☺️

i have been struggling with HOCD (or at least what i think is HOCD) for a few months now. it has gotten okay at least when i’m distracted but lately it has flared up a lot. it makes everything feel so heavy and like i can’t even enjoy anything anymore. it is to the point i don’t even know if this is HOCD. i try to say “maybe yes, maybe not” or not engage but i feel like it’s not working. there isn’t an obvious compulsion either which makes me feel like i am just in denial. i get afraid that people perceive me as gay and get especially uncomfortable around gay people, which sounds homophobic but i just get afraid that they also think i’m gay it is even making me think that maybe i knew i am gay my whole life and i just don’t want to admit it to myself. but the idea of even being gay makes me so uncomfortable and anxious because i have only ever imagined being with or been attracted to men since before my OCD got really bad. i even will look at pictures of attractive men and even if i find them attractive i feel this decreased sense since my brain is questioning if i really am attracted or if i am convincing myself that i am. i can’t tell the difference anymore and it’s so distressing. i feel like i can’t enjoy anything and don’t know how to treat this. i want to do ERP but i hate even talking about it and i know they won’t judge me but i don’t even know what i would do anymore

So one of my bestfriends is probably the most inconsistent friend I’ve ever had. She never reaches out to me. She rarely picks up when I call and I call frequently, if we hangout, it’s because I made the plans. But I will see her posting constantly on social media with her other friends. I never said anything. I’ve lived in my studio for a year now and she’s come by once just to see it. She lives a few blocks away from me. She works til 3, and before this she was jobless for a year. I work every day til 5:30 & I still would call her to just come hangout and watch a movie or get food whatever. I tried soooo hard. I cried to her about it 2 months ago cuz I just got dumped 3 months ago and told her how much I needed my friends now just to hangout not even to vent and she said she’d try. She didn’t. Her bday is in a couple days & she had 2 events. One last night bonfire and then another one in a week but I’m going to a concert that day. Our friend group planned a dinner 2 weeks from now that works with all our schedule so we can still celebrate her. I figured ok I wanna do that cuz the bonfire thing doesn’t sound like I’d enjoy myself cuz I’m horrible with the cold but tbh I see now I could’ve toughed it out. I planned to go out w/ friends and without a thought because well we are going to dinner soon. I been hurting and sad and needed a night out. Her bonfire was her family and co workers and I just wanted to go out w/ some other ppl to maybe feel better bout my ex. she HATED when I would speak about it. Anyway, she got mad, cussed me out, cut me out (we been friends since middle school) brought up now for years I flake on her birthdays (she tended to do big events that I just didn’t have the mental capacity to attend or they weren’t my thing or cost money I didn’t have). For the other months of the year I’m there constantly calling texting doing everything to see her and she doesn’t even bat an eye and posts on ig and I’m left on read for days. She told me that she stopped showing up for me because all I do is make excuses and make everything about me. Which is so hurtful cuz my ex JUST told me that & my ocd is spiking again because I’m feeling so horrible even tho she also won’t see where she’s wrong. And I took accountability and I didn’t even get the chance to make it up to go to the dinner that I still committed to? I just feel awful & I sent a text explaining myself and now thinking I made it about me and I’m making excuses. We are close I love her but she’s just very inconsiderate about what I been going through as well, I am not in a good place & I am sorry there is apart of me that doesn’t necessarily click with the people she’s with but I still try to come around? Idk I just feel like I’m such a bad friend

Is there another treatment for OCD than ERP ? I really can't support ERP that hurts I got a lot of panic attacks and can't deal with them

i’m starting to believe recovery from real event isn’t possible. many peoples real events are blown out of proportion over small things they’ve done but mine is genuinely something bad and wrong and immoral that i regret deeply and would never do again and i do not know how to live with myself bc i feel like not confessing and just sitting with this is me avoiding accountability i also feel as if the person attached to my event, who i have a close relationship with, i feel as if i am manipulating him and not giving him the moral authority to decide whether or not i should be in his life bc of what i have done any advice would be great. this just feels unbearable

Recently my dreams have been such dogs***t with them playing my real events/ false memories, everyday worries and fears and how vivid and real they feel. I honestly don't even want to head to bed :( I know I should get a better schedule and take care of myself but goddamn is it hard. I'm just laying in bed right now. I usually listen to some calming music or I play a video in the background. Idk I just don't want to dream and honestly this isn't the first time I've felt this way about my dreams. Its just worse with my OCD really back again :/ Anyways any tips for tonight ? Also how was your guys day as well and how is your sleep schedule when heading to bed ?

Is anyone dealing with really bad depression and harm ocd. I have come learn that the harm intrusive thoughts are thoughts and I would never act on them but the depression and panic attacks are awful. Not just the panic attacks but I just generally have this terrible feeling in my chest. I am a stay at home mom with a four year old I just cry all day it’s so hard to do anything and I am waiting on therapy. Does anyone have any tips or advise? How do I deal with this sadness I find no joy in almost anything I love my children and I don’t want them to see me like this

I think my ocd is spiraling or flaring up ig bc I got anxiety, worried and sad abt somethings and then that became me being abt more things like ocd related yk so one reaction caused/lead to anohh th Ed and I just keep on thinking abt past stuff as a kid and what I thought and I feel guilty bc now I’m having thoughts abt ppl in my childhood that I grew up with and I had certain thoughts abt them when I was remembering stuff abt them and now I can’t tell if I sexualized them as a kid or if I’m a pedo for thinking that as a kid?? But those thoughts didn’t register my mind then. But I’m worried that now that I’m going back to my past memories it’s like I’m noticing things that I didn’t really notice or more like I’m fixated on it now like a certain body part or something and I’m worried bc I just kept on going crazy though after thought and confusing myself between if kids can be a p at a young age and I’m scared I was bc Of experiences that I didn’t know I had popped up in my brain and apart of me knows I shouldn’t worry bc I was a little kid but sometimes it worries me bc I felt like I knew what I was doing but I can register is that I kinda just didn’t know Wtf I was doing and well idk, I kept getting groinals and just awful thoughts on why I thought that or how could I say/think something in my brain?! And I’m scared that I’ve always been a p.. and that’s why I’m having these thoughts :( bc I’m denying who I am Yk when I don’t want to be this but it always feels like otherwise and I’m scared that I’ll become my abuser and keep comparing how if I’m having this type of experience with the awful thoughts,feelings etc then I’m thinking that’s what he was thinking but kept on denying it himself until he couldn’t take it anymore… and just gave in to his nature I’m scared that I’m like that or it’s going to be like that, when I want no trouble or anything to do with but I always have these feelings and thoughts and even urges that feel and tell me otherwise and I’m literally getting groinals as I’m typing this :/ ugh just end my life.

Have struggled with this for months now, obsession with the fact that i might be attracted to my mother. Ive previously watched incest porn which i think is the main driving force, and although online research has led me to believe the reason is purely based on it being taboo and porn addiction leading you to more extremes the more you watch, it still massively bothers me with the classic ocd ‘what if’. accompanied with regular sexual intrusive thoughts about my mother, which completely disgust me, and as i have spiralled deeper whats been described online as ‘groinal responses’, which further my deep shame and guilt. initially having a conversation with her relieved these thoughts, as they made me realise that it was just ocd and that of course im not attracted to her, thats my mom. but as it has spiralled its been difficult to even talk to her anymore due to my shame and guilt, with a recent attempt causing me to burst out into tears. i regularly come to the conclusion that of course its just ocd, etc, but i somehow bounce back every time due to how prevalent the question is in my mind, at all times, and particularly due to the porn thing (i am obviously no longer watching any of that type of porn to be clear). This has led me to suicide attempts due to not being able to live with myself if this is true, and heavy research into chemical castration. i really just want to be able to have a normal relationship with my mom. please help.

I'm at the end of my rope. I'm being evicted from my home on Tuesday and I have NOWHERE to go and NOWHERE to turn too. I'm REALLY REALLY scared now. My mom passed away almost 5 years ago and I lived with her with my grandmother since 2006. My grandmother passed away in 2010. I took care of my mom until she passed away in 2017. So, I've gone to my house every night by myself. I've been alone every night since my mom died. I've spent EVERY holiday alone. I've gone to work on Christmas Eve and on by birthday but I would go home to an empty house. Plus, I've had this mental illness for about 20 years now. I'm not sucidal or anything but I can't take it anymore!! I don't know what to do and if I'm homeless, I will NEVER survive it.

I watch a video about the deference between NOCD and denial and i was thinking what if I’m denying and I’m gay but idk if that’s the intrusive thoughts pls someone should explain

I’m getting really demoralised! Every time I focus on a doubt as to why I’m not in the right relationship, I eventually stop obsessing over the reason but something else comes up and replaces it immediately. Like for example I used to obsess that my boyfriend was dangerous and had bad intentions, I know for sure now that this is not the case and trust him. I then obsessed over the fact he wasn’t my usual type and I quickly got I’ve that one as he is attractive anyways and we just had a great connection. I obsessed over looking at his photos on social media and comparing them to other men at one point, again I no longer carry out that compulsion or feel the need to. Then randomly it turned to obsessing over his height , he’s a bit taller than me but we’re about the same height but that’s never been a big issue for me and it hasn’t even crossed my mind until moths in , again I no longer care about this. I developed and obsession that I fancied some other guy I knew , I will mention I never even fancied or thought about this other guy in that way until I had intrusive thoughts with my boyfriend it’s only after I met my boyfriend that I started obsessing about ‘what if i like this other guy more’ which i now realise is not the case and I never did . I obsessed over thinking my boyfriend is gay and didn’t fancy me , I even confessed and he said it’s worrying I would have this kind of doubt 2 years in to our relationship and he was obviously concerned as it’s not the case . Then earlier today I walked past this guy when I was walking my dog that I found attractive but my head started visioning a future with this other guy and I was like ‘what If that means you’re supposed to be with this other guy and is a sign etc’ which is stupid cause I love my boyfriend and we’ve built a strong love and have plans to get married and I would never want to not be with my boyfriend ! I’m lost because I feel like every time I get past a hurdle something else gets thrown into the mix, and I know I won’t break up with my boyfriend over these thoughts but it doesn’t worry me like will I ever be able to be happy and not worry

Everything is horrible, horrible, horrible. I feel disgusting, everything is just terrible. I hate my life, I hate all that I’ve done, I wish it never happened, I don’t care if I’ve “learned” from it, I can’t take it back. I hate how my memory has become so distorted I don’t what real and what’s not. I hate myself for not knowing better and knowing better at the same time. I hate myself

Anyone try to make traits of their ocd into something good, ie creativity, ambition?

I was scrolling through ig and a very pretty actress showed up on my feed. I felt like I genuinely found her sexually attractive and got a groinal response. To rest this I imagine kissing her and I felt like I would like it. The thing is I didn't panic but I really wish I did. I don't want it to be like this. I don't want to be anything besides straight and don't want to have a sexual or romantic attraction to women. Does this make sense? The thing that worries me is that I felt like I was enticing the idea and gave it truth but I don't want it to be true.

Hello, I am a completely broken mess. My fiancé and I lost our gorgeous, incredible dog, Gus, on Wednesday morning. He was diagnosed with an ear infection last week, he went to the vets twice and again on Monday because his balance was off. It turns out that he actually had a very rapid blood clot on his brain and we had to make the decision to put him to sleep on Wednesday morning. The thing is, I am dealing with such guilt because I checked him about 70-80 times (as always when I’m at work) on the home camera whilst we were at work on Tuesday, and he was restless and panting a bit. I instantly knew he wasn’t feeling great, but we had been told the day before that his ear was heavy and probably irritating him. Now, in hindsight, I can see he was in the midst of a severe blood clot which eventually caused him to pass away. How can I ever forgive myself for not going home on Tuesday when I checked the camera? The vet has reassured us a few times that bringing him earlier wouldn’t have changed anything, and they would still have never found out he had a blood clot until it was too late. All signs he was exhibiting pointed to lack of balance due to an ear infection. I feel like I failed him. And my OCD is latching onto this. Why didn’t I go home? Why didn’t I act on the fact I knew he wasn’t 100%? I guess I just thought he was feeling pretty pissed with his ear, but that wasn’t true and I feel so guilty. Please can someone respond I literally cannot cope. I don’t know if this is reassurance seeking or just OCD. Please reply.

Any tips on this theme? Some of my thoughts with this them are bizarre. To someone who has been through it what did you do ab your thoughts