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I've been exposed to an absolute barrage of triggers over the last four days after months without any exposure. Doing my absolute best to practice ERP but almost in a state of shock.

I am new with OCD. No medications and just started regular therapy before getting diagnosed. I have horrible ruminating thoughts on past events that I have done to my now husband (we got married in August, have been together for 8 years). I question my love for him. I question literally everything even though I know I love him and I know I made mistakes in the past. I never physically cheated, but some nights the recurring thoughts of what I did get so bad that I think that I did cheat. I replay the things I've done over and over and I feel guilty for even thinking someone else is attractive. I get panic attacks. I get terrible intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I feel like the only thing to do is to repeat all of my mistakes to him and I know I’m hurting him in the process. Why can’t I forgive myself? I am absolutely miserable and I have no idea what to do :(

I swear ever since going through this, my mind comes up with the most dysfunctional scenarios and what if thoughts that I know if I was in a normal mind frame that it would bother me, but it bothers me knowing that it doesn’t bother me as much as it should. I feel so numb, and I feel like I’m morphing into a bad person when I haven’t done anything wrong. It feels so real and it really makes me question who I am. Anyone gojng through this right now?

I feel like I’m trying to accept myself as in behind homosexual, like I feel like I have to do this and eventually I’ll be okay… I don’t know what is wrong with me and I can’t stop

I’m so scared at the moment. I feel like i cannot differentiate right from wrong. I don’t know if what i like is truly what i like. What if i like the disgusting images that are in my head. Like i say that i am scared but am i actually scared? I think this is harm ocd but is it really? Are my thoughts really intrusive? How do i know if this is me or not? Like a family member of mine just brought up Dahmer and how he was a horrible person and now I’m thinking well what if i end up like that, what if I’m the next him? And i feel little to know anxiety. Like shouldn’t i be isolating myself if i truly don’t want to hurt anybody. Like how do i know if i like my thoughts are not. I think that i don’t like them and would never ever want them to happen but how do i know if this is me? I’m really struggling. Like what if i actually like my thoughts. Yesterday i was so excited talking about family vacation and now i don’t know who i am. Like what if i just go off at any given moment and not care. How do i know if i care or not? Has anyone experience this? Like i truly don’t know what i like and it’s such a scary feeling? What if i don’t care?

My counselor doesn't believe I have ocd because it's mostly mental compulsions. She also tells me to distract myself from my ocd as much as possible even tho I don't think your supposed to do that. She also thinks it's adhd (which I don't hwvr) I'm pretty sure imaging r#p3 and your s/o being brutally murdered isn't adhd. Thanks for nothing though I guess. It's just so hard because everyone doubts me.

Recently I’ve been stuck in this very odd and different feeling. I feel like I’m losing my identity. It feels like everything I ever wanted like a career, relationship etc., is something I no longer want and my fear is I want to be what my obsessions are. It’s really freaking me out because it feels so real. It feels like I don’t even know who I am anymore. It feels like I’m turning into this horrible monster and that the thoughts are just overtaking me. I don’t know how to get out of this. Please send any helpful guidance.

does anyone else feel like their SO-OCD isn’t as black and white as others? i went my whole life thinking i was straight, but i don’t know if it was necessarily ocd that caused me to question it. i definitely had/have extremely obsessive and distressing thoughts about it, and not being straight still feels “wrong” somehow, but i’m not 100% positive. i just feel left out/alienated from others with SO-OCD who are/were “sure” of their sexuality before, but ocd caused them to question what they knew was true. i guess i never knew for sure and i still don’t. but i see a lot of posts about ocd claiming that ocd goes against what a person KNOWS to be true. i don’t know. just so sick of doubting something so integral to my identity to such an extreme degree. exhausting!!! *this question wasn’t meant for the purpose of seeking reassurance*

For anybody who practices christianity here is a helpful prayer I found online for when struggling deeply with ocd. “Father, I thank you that you are full of compassion and love, So that even in my weakness You want me to come to you. I thank you because you are omnipotent. You hold all things in your hands, You are the only One who is capable or wise enough to do this. I pray that when OCD tries to tell me that I am responsible For preventing any harm to my loved ones by completing rituals, That I can push back against it Knowing that I do not have the ultimate power to prevent harm. Rather help me to trust you and find rest in knowing That everything that happens is ordained by you, Rather than trying to control things myself, And bearing that awful weight of responsibility I was never meant to carry. I thank you because you are omniscient. You alone know all things. When OCD tries to convince me i need absolute certainty, That i will know for sure just by doing my ritual ‘one more time’, I pray that you will help me to live with uncertainty, Know that life is uncertain and only You need to know all things. I thank you because you are wise, yet loving. Lord, how often OCD tries to rob me of current joy Because it wants me to focus on future fears. I pray that you will help me to live beyond my fears And constant catastrophizing, Because I know that you are Sovereign. Whatever will happen to me is part of your plan, I know that you intend to use it for my good and your glory. Pray that you will help me to live in the present, And serve you well in it, not fretting over tomorrow’s possible worries. I thank you because you call all those who are weary to find rest in you. When so few around me understand the sheer exhaustion of living with OCD, I thank you that Jesus is my perfect mediator Who sympathises with my weakness. I thank you that you know my fatigue. I pray that i will always come to you for rest, rather than trying to find rest in endless cycles of rituals Which only serves to exhaust me further. In you alone is true rest. I thank you because in Christ, You have taken away my shame. The shame that i feel with struggling with OCD, Believing the lie that I suffer because I’m not resilient. You took shame away on the cross, And I pray you will help me to focus on truth, When my OCD tries to make me feel pathetic. The truth that I am your child, Fearfully and wonderfully made. I thank you for the gift of the people who you provide In my life to support me through the weariness of OCD. They make life a little easier, a little more colorful And I thank you for that. Pray that i would not try to find salvation In their reassurances, Only trust in you, and your promises. And Father i pray that you will give me grace To deal with well meaning christians who belittle my OCD, Or offer overly simplistic trite comments which leave me feeling hurt. I pray that you will remind me of how you Lavished grace on me whilst i hated you, So that i can overlook the hurt And be gracious to them. I pray that today you will give me strength to expose myself to my triggers and to stop avoiding situations. I need your strength to take the steps to manage and recover from OCD. Pray that I will draw near to you each hour of this day And I thank you that you give more grace. Father, thank you that you are stronger than OCD, That you sent your Son to die so that all evilness, All suffering and mental health disorders will come to an end. I thank you that OCD has an expiration date. I thank you that one day you will take me to a place Where there will be no fears, no rituals, no obsessions, No hierarchy of feared situations, No Exposure Response Prevention, no CBT, Only joy in your presence” Here is the link for the audio if anyone would rather give it a listen: https://youtu.be/E2rkf_iv_aw

For those how have done ERP how do you deal with the intrusive thoughts?

Does anybody else try not to look at the things that give you OCD thoughts? For instance I try to look past looking at people. I glance the other way quickly but it makes me feel as though I’m crazy person or a pedo when I do that.

I keep giving myself a deadline. If I do not met getting my mental health correct I would rather not be on this earth. My mental illnesses has taken so much from me. Like going out with loved ones, doing the best I can at my job, how I feel about myself, etc. I know it takes time to work on myself but I want to be what an average person does on a daily basis. I barely recognize myself anymore. I can not hold a conversation with anyone without the feeling of discomfort. I fear my thoughts. This has made me a feel like a monster, on top of that I gained so much weight so i am just all over the place.

I’m so depressed… I remember before telling someone I knew I didn’t love my partner but it was to see how I reacted… I started crying… It’s like that now… 😢 I am heartbroken… I do t wanna leave him… When I say that it says bc I don’t wanna hurt him… 😢 😢😢 I knew the first time wasn’t true bc I knew I loved him and had clarity moments… but where are they now… I cry for him but yet I still think I don’t love him… 😢 Please god help me… 😰💔

Random question just wondering if anyone would want to talk? Not too sure who to talk to anymore at the moment

Guys I’m really freaking out. I’m so scared. I seriously might end up of having a panic attack. Everything feels so real I don’t know what’s going on. This is the worst I’ve had an ocd attack in a long time. I cant sleep. No matter what I do my ocd is just like “this will happen now. You’re a terrible person and there’s nothing you can do about it.” I’m so over this and I’m terrified rn

I barely have any friends in college (or anyone who actually cares about me) this ocd has been bad all day, I’m forced to sleep in school because I don’t have money to go home, and I basically feel like no one gives any legitimate crap about me if I were to just suddenly cease to exist… my parents get mad at me for not being happy to help them even though I basically do EVERYTHING they tell me to do… i literally bought my mom 100 dollar cookies, and I was going to get PXG for my dad but I don’t have the money for it yet so I was going to use my first paycheck for that… i even told my dad that I wanted to help pay the tuition using money I make working for the school and yet he yells at me and basically called me an idiot… my roommate blames me for pressuring her about rent/money even though A. My parents have been pressuring me to force her to give me rent money and I don’t want to and B. She hasn’t been paying her rent money in about a month and a half… I’m pretty sure if I just disappeared off the face of this earth right now, or some wonky “It’s a wonderful life” thing happens where I’m suddenly never born… then no one… and I mean NO ONE would actually care about me enough to actually wonder where I am, if I exist, how I’m doing, etc… plus my HOCD, POCD and real events OCD involving these subtypes are just constantly there with intrusive thoughts and feelings and dreams and morning groinals and it’s making me feel like I’m not anxious about it… I hate this all so much… no one cares about me… no one actually wants me there in their lives…

Ironically. Becoming desensitized to my intrusive thoughts sometimes frightens me. The security of knowing I had such intense anxiety when I had violent/bad/scary intrusive thoughts comforted me because it made me realize I didn’t want them and found them bad. If I’m not reacting to them, I’ve convinced myself that I think it’s okay and maybe deep down I am a bad person? Does anyone else relate to this? My anxiety has felt better lately toward my intrusive thoughts as I am trying to give them no value (that and probably my lexapro lol) but is what I’m feeling normal at all or can anyone relate?

(Lol I apologize for the length, just needed to rant) I'm a 21 year old college student (girl) and I've struggled with soocd and rocd the past couple of years. The rocd started when I got into a relationship with my now ex boyfriend 2 years ago (he's 22). But I realized I was truly so in love and the rocd mainly presented itself in the beginning because it was all so new for me and my first relationship. This last weekend, he cheated on me. He has been under a lot of new substances, in a new time zone in a brand new environment, and said he didn't feel like himself. Well, he got diagnosed with Bipolar after telling his psych what happened and his psych said those things can be a recipe for mania. It was a one night thing/no emotional connection/ and he immediately told me the next day after he felt like himself again and couldn't believe what he had done. He said something in him was just telling him he needed to "destroy his happiness" and that it wasn't directed towards me. And it wasn't out of lust but because this part of him just needed to do something irreversible that way he could never have me. I think he has a lot of self hated deep down. But when he was himself again, he was horrified and disgusted that he could even do something like that. He has showed deep remorse and taken full accountability and knows that mental illness and substances are not an excuse. He is getting help and taking it seriously. He is devastated that he didn't address his mental health sooner and that it caused me pain. He has answered any and all questions and has been completely transparent with everything. He has been completely faithful our entire relationship and practically worshipped me. However, at the end of the day he betrayed my trust. He still did what he did. Cheating is typically an unforgivable thing to do. However, I don't think there are any absolutions right now. There's no "we're never getting back together" and on the other hand there's no "we will find our way back to each other eventually." We are broken up and I believe his actions need to have consequences. I'm taking this as time to live my life, learn more about myself, and heal. I'm going to see other people (he has vowed to not regardless of what I choose to do) and has even encouraged me to be single because he wants to know if I forgive him that I'm not taking him back out of comfort - but because I truly love him and believe he's absolutely right for me. He's said he'll move on when I tell him to. If I say I'm not interested in a future and I'm in love with someone else, he'll let go. But he wants to prove to me that he's only faithful to me, even if we're single. Part of my rocd was "how do I know he's the one if it's my first relationship?" and the soocd was "how will I ever be certain of my sexuality, especially while being in a relationship?" I will say this heartbreak has shown me how real my love for him was. Any time I struggled with rocd was just that - rocd. Not the doubts. Because I loved this man with every fiber in me and I miss him every second despite the pain he caused. As much emotional torment I'm in right now, I do this is as an opportunity to become more sure of myself. And if there is a future where I forgive him, I'll be more confident that he's the one for me. Like maybe it'll be a blessing in disguise. Like I said, it also showed me how real my feelings were and maybe without this, I would still struggle with rocd. There's also the fact that he wouldn't have taken his mental health seriously before if he didn't mess up this bad, which sucks it took THIS. However I just don't have any interest in seeing anyone else...I just want him. He's the only one I'm physically attracted to. I've never been through this and it's truly so painful. I'm just really anxious because my ocd is telling me I need to go hookup with girls to just experiment and be in my "wild phase" but I don't want to..but it's telling me I have to. And maybe I'm just scared? Or internally homophobic? Or maybe it's just simply because I'm actually straight lol. I don't know. I just feel pressure to just do anything and everything (not now, but when I feel I'm ready) A very real possibility is they I wont't learn anything and I'll just fuel OCD and it'll make me 10x worse. This was just a rant but any insight would be appreciated - in regards to dealing with cheating & heartbreak in general. Or maybe if you've gone through this with a partner that deals with mental illness too. As well as anyone who struggles with OCD and has dealt with this pressure of feeling like you need to hookup with other people and just go wild after a breakup to learn about yourself. Thank you guys <3

I am so scared that my best friend is getting tired of me. I don’t want to be angry at her for no reason, I am not sure if there even is a reason or I am over analyzing everything. I am so scared that we are drifting apart.

Is it normal that I don’t feel these thoughts to be as invasive after reading into HOCD? Or is it just me being in denial about my orientation.