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Rumination central right now.

I'm very scared rn Hi I am having very bad anxiety and I'm really really scared bc of my real/event false memories. I know we aren't supposed to give reassurance but at this point l'm scared it's not ocd and it's real life. Esp bc my ocd is different My ocd revolves around an obsession about me getting assaulted/raped. This started at the start of the me too movement in 2017. I had been dating my boyfriend for 3 years at this point and I read this article about a girl getting raped by her boyfriend. After I read this I got bad anxiety (I have no idea why) and I got a false memory tied onto a real event that added things that did not happen. My mind said this happened to u this happened to u and it led me to full blown ocd rabbit hole. I was mentally checking, researching, asking for reassurance compulsively, etc. I didn't realize I had ocd (I always thought I had anxiety around random "obsessions" lol). This led me to being literally not functional due to these crazy obsessions. I could not stop thinking about rape. I would go out to bars (I was in college at the time) and get drunk and be convinced someone did something to be. It was literally horrible. I did not tell my boyfriend about any of this bc I did not realize wtf was going on in my head. I thought I was straight up losing it. I ended up getting diagnosed with ocd when my i opened up to my roommate about all of this and she herself had bad ocd and she told me hey um I think u have serious ocd. Low and behold I got diagnosed (3 times by 3 different dr bc I wasnt convinced lol) anyways my current thing that I am obsessing about is this: when I was deep in my obsessions I would act quite weird about sex. It was like my ocd was wanting me to avoid but me myself wanted to have sex. Basically if I wanted to have sex I would need to feel in control and I would also have tons of intrusive thoughts. Again, I didn't tell my boyfriend any of this bc I didn't know wtf was going on. My boyfriend and I were laying in bed and he asked if I wanted to have sex. I said maybe later bc I started getting intrusive thoughts. I remember at the time thinking I can have sex and then my ocd came in. Anyways we were laying in bed and he asked if we could just put it in and not have sex sometimes we would go to sleep cuddling like that TMI I'm sorry). Anyways we were laying there and just to preface he did not start having sex with me. I said to him "are we gonna have sex" and then when I said that he said ohh and then started said imitating it. Then I got some intrusive thoughts "are u allowed to be having sex rn be u said maybe later, why did he not say yes or no to u, is this rape?" And then my ocd made me turn and ask him again "l'm confused are we having sex yes or no?" When I asked this we stopped and then he said "oh yes it feels good" and then I said "okay" and turned and we continued. Anyways my ocd has latched on to this event. It keeps telling me this was rape and "how do I know Consented" "how do I know if this was rape or not" it's causing me extreme distress. I literally CANT remember why 1asked if we were gonna have sex. This event happened 4 years ago and I didn't remember is organically I think I remembered it a couple weeks after it happened bc my ocd would make me scan thru all my memories and it remembered that one bc it's weird! And then it is adding in false memories, false feelings, false stuff into this memory to the Point I have ruminated over it so much I can't remember what actually happened. I'm so scared bc my ocd won't let it go bc it keeps saying u need to know if it's rape, u can't move on bc u are going to be scared for life and u need to break up with ur boyfriend. Then as a secondary obsession it says to me u actually have PTSD not ocd and this is all true and real and u are in denial and blaming the truth on ocd. Can someone please help me I think l'm going to lose my mind. I also posted on Reddit like 40 times and everyone told me it wasn't rape but that's not enough. Something else I noticed about this thought is it keeps changing around how it happened and what not. Also to add like my boyfriend has never been pushy with me, and I know I can always say I don't want to do something and he would stop immediately. I also did talk to my boyfriend about this recently and he told me that we started having sex after I asked are we gonna have sex and that's why we had sex. But my ocd keeps telling me how do I know if that's consent or not. Someone please for the love of god help me l'm so scared

(TW: eating disorder, self harm) Last year I went through an ED, I had anorexia. I can say that now and accept that but I also have OCD I was pulled out of school and cut off everyone I knew from my school which left me with no one. I was alone and scared, but I still was so in deep to an eating disorder I continued on. Instead of facing the actual problem itself, I let myself get worse and moved to a school where I knew no one. I already have really bad social anxiety, and anxiety and general so when I moved it was extremely hard for me to make friends, or honestly just even talk. Even when I was at my previous school I never felt “normal.” I grew up with a sick mom which is obviously out of her control, but I would miss tons of school for her appointments, surgeries, (etc.)When I would come back into school, I struggled especially with math and I always felt as if all eyes were on me because I was the kid who was never there. I was also “chubbier” when I was younger and kids are mean so I was picked on for that. Before I was at my previous school I had been talking about, I was at another school, a Christian conservative school. There again I was quiet and awkward didn’t have many friends, but I was also struggling with the fact that maybe I like girls. When your taught your entire life that your going to “burn in hell” for liking the same gender, it really effects you. So, I moved from that school to the next school, there I made some friends and was happy for a while until I looked around me and for one of the first times in my life questioned my body. I was the “bigger girl” of my friend group where they were all stick thin, (and again they could not help that at all this is not me saying it’s all their fault) end of that year in school, my best friend developed and ED, at the time I didn’t even know what it was, but she had lost so much weight extremely quickly. I remember her showing me these workouts on YouTuve that she was doing so ofc I followed her lead. It started off as me trying to be healthier but then became an obsession. I would cry if I missed a workout I couldn’t live without it. And then I continued to watch more of this persons channel and other channels like it where these grown women were, well grown. They were built the way they are not from doing these hour long cardio workouts but from lifting, eating the right diet, and sometimes plastic surgery and yet they still promote to their young audience under eating, and not clearly stating “hey to look like me it takes alot more than just this for hours a day” knowing they have a very young and impressionable audience. Anyways, I started counting calories aswell and that became the biggest thing. I would put it as low as I could staring at 1,800 and then “oh well today I got in 1,700 yay let’s try to aim for lower” the numbers were so addicting to me counting every little thing, the lower it was the happier with myself I was. I couldn’t physically eat anything unless I knew the calories to put in my phone, it consumed me, my whole life. I lost weight extremely fast, well I also started to develop feelings for my best friend (who is also a girl) I live in a very homophobic town, in the south, and my mother is extremely unaccepting. I told her that I liked her and that not only did I like her but at the time where I was so quiet she was like my life line, the only person, friend that I even had. I cared so much about her more than I had ever cared about anybody. I never expressed these feelings on my own will to my mom because well she’s a girl. She responded back to me about how she didn’t feel the same but “omg I do rly like (girls name) should I ask her out today??” That hurt. So much. Not the fact that she didn’t like me in a romantic way but my “best friend” completely regarded and ignored everything about how I said that she was literally the only person I had left in my life at the moment and how I cared so so much about her. It felt like damn, your rly fucking stupid your alone and no one likes you, no one even cares about you, the one person who you thought would care obviously did not so what’s the point anymore. I went to our schools bathroom and just broke down. I had scratched my wrist really bad so when I went back into our class people could tell something was off. I finished my classes for that day until it got to break and my best friend and the girl she liked were now dating, she didn’t even bother to check on me at all. So I went home that evening obviously upset and my mom asked me what’s wrong over and over. She knew something was up so when we got home she got mad at me and locked me in our car, took my phone and went through my messages. It was one of the worst days of my life, the screaming the yelling the things she said to me about me liking a girl, my eating disorder, everything was to much so I locked myself in my bathroom and scratched my wrist even more. I was to afraid to actually cut but my mom preyed my door open and saw the scratches, they were bleeding a little bit at this point and instead of comforting me she got even angrier. She pulled me out of my school, I finished the year online with no one. That summer was a lonely one I just kinda obsessed over food, and lost a ton of weight. Well summer ended and here I go starting another school. God it was horrible, my class was all homophobic and racist I’m not even going to lie. Now there was this one girl who I had met and we started dating, she was in a different class than me but we never got to see each other much at all. Months went on my mom not knowing. It would’ve been amazing if everyone in my class who first off I didn’t even know weren’t so mean and hurtful to me about it. They judged me for being bisexual and now I had no friends still other than my gf, I was depressed but whatever yk life was eh. I only went deeper into an ED and then my mom found out about my relationship. It was ofc horrible so she made me break up with the one person I had in life. So I went to school with no one and yeah that’s when my depression took over me and my ED got worse than it ever had before. It was my way to cope, to feel in control of my life. I only had coffee one day for breakfast (also I’m a XC runner it’s something that I still am very very passionate about so I was doing all of that plus these “workouts” on nothing) I got to school and almost passed out. In short my mom picked me up and took me to the hospital 4 hours away to see a nutritionist the next day, never a therapist because “those are for crazy people” - in her words. The nutritionist was told me my BMI was extremely low and that I had developed sufficient liver damage from lack of protein and that if I kept up the way I was I would die. Also that I had hypoglycemia. That was scary the scariest moment of my life ofc I cried at first but I never thought that I could change, at one point I just kinda accepted death. But at the same time it was scary yk dying. The doctor also told me I had a very over compulsive personality from what she had observed and that I most likely have OCD, that she would get me a consult for a therapist. Well my mom never let me go so… my mom made me finish the year online for the most part accept for that last couple of weeks. We had a dance I went to it with a guy my mom forced me to go with, had a horrible time (no friends at all, anxiety, and my ex girlfriend there who I missed) so I left early upset and made my mom pick me up that was the last time they ever saw me. I did some time online before moving back to my old school. Also while going to that school it was the first time I have ever been judged by my race. I’m half Hispanic my dad is Peruvian so my last name is Spanish. And just because of that I was called a lot of racial slurs and for the first time I looked at my skin color and was like “damn am I rly that different from these people because I’m a little darker than them???” So yeah. When I moved back halfway through the year god it was nerve wracking, I had to explain to all of my friends what I went through and that was tough. I also had to get my life back, be more emotionally strong. I went back and it took awhile but I finally have my friends back. But it feels like they don’t understand and even make jokes sometimes about how I used to miss sm school while they know what happened. It makes me depressed and angry and like I have this burden on my back. I still obsess over situations that happened, replay them in my head and I feel stuck. I’ve recovered from anorexia on my own which was not easy but I’m alive. I’m so lucky to even be here rn. To recover form anorexia I didnt stop working out i changed my relationship with it, I started lifting and running I’ve gained 25lbs so far and I couldn’t be happier I’m trying to gain more because lifting and running makes me happy it’s my passion. I ofc changed my diet aswell which was a very long and hard journey but I made it, again I’m alive, I feel so blessed to be here but I still obsess over things that happened in the past, comments ppl make now, and I’m still quiet not as bad as I used to be but that anxiety that everyone hates me is still there. I’m trying to move on but how. I replay those events over and over and it just makes me cry my friends also don’t understand and that hurts even worse. Sorry for the long rant, if your struggling right now please know it gets better it just takes time and baby steps along the way.❤️

Does anyone else ever feel so overwhelmed by indecision they just don’t want to think anything at all? You just start to feel numb?

I know for most medication is a lifesaver. But has anyone found that meds made it worse for them? Who here does it without meds, who here does it with meds and what works for you? I don't think my current med Nortriptyline is helping as much as it should.

My POCD and real events OCD is making me think I’m a P and a Chomo for the extremely horrible real events I did when I was 13… I had no idea what m*lestation or anything like that was when I was 13… I really didn’t… and someone gave an incorrect definition of it… it’s making it feel like I’m certain of it when I dont ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in anyway shape or form… I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭

Looking back, if I could have told myself anything before I started therapy, it would be that I'm not the only one experiencing this. I was so set on the fact that no one could possibly understand, that I refused to try to open up to more than only a handful of people. It can be incredibly scary to take that leap of faith, but when you find that community of people who do understand, it's a wave of relief and hope I didn't know was out there. I wouldn't change a thing, but if I could have told myself anything, it would be to hang in there! I'm not alone, thanks to you all. For those that are in therapy, in recovery, etc. - looking back, what is something you would tell yourself if you could?

Im in a relationship for 4 years, but i had been in contact with my ex a few times. WORSE DECISION, after confessing i developed ocd. Different themes, i literally quit my previous job because i believed that i was going to fall in love with just anyone from there, female, male, kid etc. It was very difficult, but that theme is not loud anymore. I noticed how my ocd attached to the mistakes i made, and now is torturing me by reminding me every day with hard evidence i dont love my partner, or love songs remind me of my ex. Almost as if i see him everywhere, there are days that my bf says something and my mind tells me oh it sounds like your ex, or if i see my ex in him, its so weird, next year we planned a trip, same country/neighborhood where i met my ex, i feel like going back to where i met him might trigger my anxiety. How do i get rid of these ex thoughts, i dont want to be with my ex. I just want to erase these thoughts and everything is annoying me

I’ve been having panic attacks daily this week, and don’t even want to ask my fiancé for support now because I still feel like my OCD, intrusive thoughts, etc are all indicative that I’m a bad person that doesn’t deserve sympathy, or help.

i’m not sure if this is an OCD symptom but sometimes i’ll feel like someone’s watching me and feel the need to cover certain things or recover things. for example, whenever i use the restroom i’ll turn off my phone and leave it in my room or turn it off and keep it with me if i’m in a public place. or sometimes i’ll think someone i like is watching me and i’ll do something different like “oh if they’re watching me, let me do this instead just in case.” does anyone else do this?

My mother killed herself today. I'm so sad. So sad. My mom. My sweet woman. Beautiful woman. Why didn't you let me help you more. I miss you. I miss you. I love you. Mama, te amo. Mama, come back please. I want to feel your arms again. Your hugs. Mama... I wanted to be your daughter for more time. I cannot be without you. Mama. I'm crying a lot. You told me not to do it in your letter. Mama. Mama. Mama.

Why do I sometimes think my intrusive thoughts on purpose? Does anyone else do this?

Does anyone have health anxiety fears around heart attacks, strokes, seizures, etc. basically fear of passing out or dying suddenly? Do you get physical symptoms such as headaches, chest pains m, lightheadedness etc? What has helped you?

I'm fighting against my ocd. Sometimes I can control my obsesions and other times is an impossible task. The compulsions are easier but when it is about mental compulsions or obsessions is very difficult. Can anyone share his thoughts with me?

How do I reduce my stress levels? My therapist told me I need to ‘heal my inner self’ and start to love myself again and start living instead of thinking about others. Care more for myself. But how do I gain confidence and start loving myself?

How do you deal with it? Any tips and tricks?

Anybody think they have this? False memories? Or stuff they think they might have done in the past but don’t remember?

That’s it. I can’t afford therapy. I’m not gonna burden the few loved ones I have with the insanity that is my mental case. I know people will freak out, wanna put me in the mental hospital. I’ve heard it all people calling me insane because I tell the truth about what’s going on with me. I do these random things online to strangers because it’s easier to confess to faceless people but strangers can’t do much can they? Most the time nobody reads anything and a lot of the time I don’t even really want them to. I just feel so alone. My girlfriend doesn’t talk to me anymore and my sister is still a minor I’m not gonna tell her shit. Maybe I should be in the mental hospital but that shit doesn’t help it never has.

What’s the best way to explain accepting uncertainty? Does anyone have a simple explanation

How do I get over an ex that I was with for a whole year?