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the NOCD Community

it’s almost hard to explain how i feel. i feel like i’ve been more distant, causing a toll on our relationship. i DONT want to lose him and refuse to think about the fact that we may not end up together. we’ve been having more disagreements lately, but i love him. however, rocd convinces me that i don’t and chooses not to see the good in him. lately i’ve only been seeing the bad and telling him how he needs to improve, which isn’t fair. i need help. i want to feel natural and in love again. i’m afraid because i don’t think about him all day like i used to. it’s been 4 years of this relationship and i don’t ever plan on leaving. it’s so hard with rocd. i am always thinking about something bad

Does it ever feel like the thing you’re afraid of is unquestionably real? And if you tried to think otherwise it’s just you being in denial? How real can OCD feel? Is there even a limit?

(Pseudonyms used to protect identities) (This will only make sense if you understand the BeReal app sry) This girl Tara at work has targeted me ever since I had a casual conversation with her boyfriend at a work party. Tara is also good friends with this other guy Wyatt who I have a crush on. Tara recently had her last day at work, and Wyatt went out of state to see his family for Christmas. I have both Tara and Wyatt on snapchat, but the day after Wyatt left to see his family he suddenly added me on two social media apps (BeReal and Instagram) in the same day. I got really really excited thinking this would be the start of something: Maybe he wouldn’t see me for a while and he wanted to stay in closer contact? Maybe he has some feelings for me? He posted on BeReal today and I reacted to his post. Then all of the sudden Tara tries to add me on BeReal. I denied her request because she’s awful to me…but now I’m terrified of what will happen with Wyatt. Did Tara only find me because she could view my profile after I reacted to Wyatt’s BeReal? …Or did she put Wyatt up to this from the beginning? I already had her on insta long before Wyatt added me. But I only recently had them try to add me on BeReal. I’m afraid of so many things like: what if he only added me to help her stalk me? Even if not: What if she tells him I denied her request and he cuts me off on everything? I feel pre-betrayed…. I feel like every time a guy seems to like me I’m either being used or tricked, and it makes me feel so ugly…

does anyone else with suicidal OCD take normal life situations and your brain immediately turns them into an intrusive thought related to suicide / harm? for example- say i’m going downstairs to get water late at night, my mind will immediately go “i bet your parents hear you and are up worrying about you and think you are going downstairs to get a knife and hurt yourself” or “you’re making a loud nose in your room i bet your boyfriend is worried you’re doing something to hurt yourself”. it’s so upsetting and exhausting that my brain relates every single thing to suicide causing me anxiety almost 24/7.

How do y’all handle when you have to be around someone who you think about harming but obviously don’t want to harm.

Has anyone had their theme change and they no longer cared about their previous theme? I used to have harm, and now that I have POCD I don’t care about my harm theme. I’m not triggered by it really at all.

I’ve struggled with HOCD for 4 years now and it’s awful. It started with a dream, and now it’s all I think about. Whenever my brain tries to tell me I’m in denial, I tell myself that the volume and severity of the thoughts I’m having aren’t normal which makes me feel a little better. I’m a woman who has always liked men, I’ve had INTENSE crushes on guys in the past. Even with HOCD I still have crushes. But lately it feels like I’m not even attracted to guys anymore - any time I see a pretty girl I check and see if there’s any sort of physical sensation accompanying it and sometimes there is. I don’t get turned on during sex anymore and I constantly attribute that to being possibly gay. It’s terrifying and I worry that my fears will come true if I don’t fight the thoughts, but they keep coming. I have no aversion to the LGBTQ+ community at all, I completely support them, but if I was lesbian it would erase all of what I’ve ever known about myself and that is what scares me. I used to hate being so boy crazy but now I want that back just so I don’t have to deal with these thoughts anymore. I go to therapy and take medication but don’t really talk about the thoughts out of the fear that acknowledging them out loud makes them true. I know I’m not alone, so if you’re also struggling with HOCD I hear you. <3

I just want to know my chances of recovery. When I saw I can barely remember my life before my ocd I mean it, I can't remember how I felt why I lived my life like that, what I saw in it, etc. I have had false memories kind of sense the beginning and they really get to me the most, bc it's really what makes my past seem unreal to me. This is not reassurance, this is honest to god curiosity at this point. Do I still have a chance of recovery when I've been going through this for 5 months, have a ton of false memories, little to no feelings for my values and it feels 100% real? Do I even have a chance at living this area of my life the way I used to?

Well, ERP is not working out for me. In fact it has only served to make me more depressed because the idea of accepting I might be a "bad person" or pervert (or whatever) just makes me feel, well, bad! I'm not sure how this could help anyone honestly. Has anyone else experienced this and had luck with other treatments?

As a person with OCD, how do I stop obsessing about insomnia? Someone in this group gave me great advice a few months ago. She suggested YouTube videos by Daniel Erichsen. I’m more of a reader so I consulted his book Set it and Forget It. I thought I had it all figured out because I learned you can’t control sleep. However, I just had a sleepless night and I’m obsessing about why. What should I do? I’m worried about how tired I’ll be all day.

Has anyone else with an eating disorder wondered if it’s really just a manifestation of magical thinking? As in “my life will be better if I’m skinnier”, and other moral attachments to weight and appearance? I think this is difficult to determine since society does place moral judgments on weight… but it’s something I’ve been wondering about recently.

Yesterday I posted on here that I got extremely anxious and scared because I read someone on here say they purposely thought about the intrusive thoughts and actually enjoyed them. I started panicking a ton. But soon later my post was flagged because it sounded like I was asking for reassurance. That kinda upset me. Because I know reassurance is bad but I was really spiraling. And all I really needed was for someone to say like hey it’s okay to panic but you can’t allow it to control you. I was doing a bit better until reading that. So for anyone who has become convinced they’re a bad person, how do you not lose you hope and get out of that mindset. Because as soon as I become convinced I then lose my hope and feel like my only option is suicide. I’m not asking for reassurance. Just some advice and to know if anyone can relate.

Anyone else with suicidal OCD super triggered by the recent news? Just know that I am sending love and light to all of you!❤️❤️

I find myself constantly slipping into thoughts throughout the day involving stressful events that make me look bad - often surrounding family conflict (i.e. I go into the kitchen and a scenario regarding a family member criticizing me for leaving dishes on the counter when I had only momentarily left the room with the intention of putting them away on my return) or out in the world (I’m an ambulatory wheelchair user & I imagine someone sees me running to help someone then publicly decries me for faking a disability which then spreads on social media). Another common one is being put on trial. These “daydreams” are involuntary - they’re *may* be an initial “what if” intrusive thought but it’s not until the daydream reaches a boiling point of distress/humiliation (I’m defending my dish-loading habits, or penning my public statement about ambulatory wheelchair users which now some arrogant talking head is disputing on live tv) that I even REALIZE I’m doing it. Then, I tic. Tics are physical, verbal or both. I found Dr Michael Greenberg’s illuminating distinction that rumination is a compulsion validating for my more classic pure ocd (ie, what if I’m gay, then instead of willfully, analytically engaging with that thought I don’t engage and just do nothing) but when it comes to these “daydreams” I’m left feeling even more confused. The daydream could be considered a ”live-action, long-form intrusive thought”. (I coined that term, haha). In which case the cure is doing nothing. That hasn’t helped. The daydream could be considered a “mindless, subconscious analytical rumination” in which case the cure is to stop. How can you stop something you’re not even aware you’re doing? And when I’m aware, I do stop. That hasn’t helped. A therapist from years ago would make me play these “daydreams” out from start to finish; I’m guessing this is similar to habituation. Behavior-focused therapies like ERP have worked wonders for all my other OCD subtypes from contamination to checking - but I have not cracked the code on these. I can have these daydreams several times a minute and tic a few dozen times an hour. I can become consciously aware of them, stop, then unconsciously slip back in in a matter of moments. Note: I’m not hearing voices or hallucinating. My current therapist and I agree I’ve internalized the judgmental family dynamic from past to present along with the perfect storm of being housebound with them with an invisible illness. In other words: fear of judgment is driving my OCD and my current situation is fanning the flames. Has anyone experienced a similar phenomenon, or has had success with behavior-focused interventions or perhaps gone deeper psychologically? Also - I realize everyone slips away into daydreams from time to time. This is not that, I promise. It’s chronic. Please be kind and non-judgmental :) This is a super triggering subject for me. Thanks!

I have horrible checking intrusive thoughts where if I don’t check something before leaving the room/apartment/building, I’m convinced the worst will happen. I believe the .1% is more likely than the 99.9%. I’m worried if I don’t check the stove there will be a gas leak or fire, if I don’t check the outlets there will be an electrical fire, if I don’t check the faucets there will be flooding. It’s like my brain doesn’t believe me. I check hundreds of times before leaving and still I don’t feel secure in everything being good and end up rechecking. I take pictures and it’s like I don’t believe the pictures. I’ll go to my girlfriends but have to Uber back just to check something that is most likely okay and it’s Eating up my life. It is ruining my life and I have no idea how I can be an adult or hold down a job with this. I’m terrified of causing some horrible thing cause I didn’t check. I feel hopeless

Have financial problems? On both sides!? One side your partner doesn’t make enough and the other you put yourself in debt? The relationship’s biggest issues are our mental states and financial issues… That’s why I believe I want to break up with my partner…. 😢💔 I don’t wanna break up I just wish our situation was better…. My partner wants a better job but is stuck trying to find one… I am so depressed and anxious I buy things to give me happiness but see my credit card and stress out… 😞 Please has anyone been able to fix theses issues!? 😢

How real and convincing ROCD can be? Yesterday I was so anxious and couldn’t stop thinking my bf was making me anxious, today as soon as I wake up, the same thoughts again day by day. Convinced we have to break up already because of how i feel sad and anxious all the time. My ocd attacks me even more because i live with my grandma but she’s not home rn she went to her country for a bit so im alone and start crying as soon as i get home. He doesn’t deserve this

is this still ocd? Hi all. Last week my ocd has been ramping up. Started with some horror theme and moved to a sensational theme. But now it latched onto something ive never had before. It has not latched onto any theme actually the only thing right now happening is that there is this thought or feeling, not sure how to describe it, but whenever this feeling or thought arises it nullifies all my confidence, motivation, progression, it just takes out all the energy and positivity and replaces it with this feeling of endless sadness, despair, depression, nothingness, this happens within a split Second whenever i think for example; no matter what ill keep trying! And then boom that feeling or thought takes over and its all gone. It's almost as if it's something that will always he there, a 'thing' inside nullifiying anything positive, helpfull, but even emotions of love. I have to emphasize that wahat comes out with this feeling everytime again is the thought; no one in the worldnhas ever hwd thisbweird experience before, its just me. Yes I know other people have ocd, but my mind tells me no one has ever had this 'inner' part which cannot be described because it roes not feel like a thought, an emotion or whatever, just a 'thing' that is there and always will be there. I mean ive had many ocd themes but this would bot categorize under any of those themes, so how can i know this really is ocd?;ive searched the web and forums trough many...many Posts and none of them revolve around this undescribable thing, or whatever it is? Whenever I try and label this thing for myself just as I'm trying in this post, it steps up its game and gives this feeling of nullifying my effort describing it, it basically does the same it does with other things it gives out this feeling of sadness, desperation, depression etc whenever i try to describe it wo i can ask others to help me. Up until now while writing this it feels like this thing keeps going deeper and deeper just to make sure it cant be identified. Am i making any sense? or am i losing my mind?

I keep drinking alcohol to cope with my ocd yesterday I was so drunk at the park my friend found me an took care of me. I’m going through a lot but drinking has been helping the thoughts finally to leave after over 5 years I’m happy I kinda don’t want to let this go. I’m able to go to work after a drink a little in the morning. I’m really at a lost for words I don’t know what’s the right thing anymore.

I don’t feel anything for guys anymore. I used To. Although that feels like a lie. I feel nothing. I just feel numb then I get anxiety. I don’t know if it’s because of hocd, being on my meds for a week now. But I hate it. I feel nothing. At all. And it makes it seem even more real. It’s upsetting me.