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That "What does it mean" or "Did i mean that" Thing is Terrible I get so confused about what i actually meant

Anyone find your first ever false memory hard to cope with as you don’t know where it came from? It was my first one and I was in a bad psychotic state and it always freaks me out.

One of my biggest problems is ruminating over situations that stress me out. The closest I can compare it to is real event OCD. At work, if someone dislikes me or I think they dislike me it stresses me out a lot. Before I connected it to my OCD, I thought it was social anxiety, but my fear is that people disliking me could harm my job, my well being or even harm my family at some point if I get a bad enough reputation. If someone is rude to me I constantly go over the situation in my mind and think of future situations dealing with the person in order to figure out how to resolve it. For example, if they said something rude confronting them in hopes they’ll change their behavior. (I don’t actually do any confrontation at work, I just try to be as polite as possible.) It’s really stressful and what stresses me out more is dealing with further interactions as it will just further my rumination. I also worry that if I don’t figure out how to resolve someone disliking me that the situation will escalate and result in a horrible work environment or being fired. I don’t really socialize much at all anymore because it doesn’t feel worth the anxiety. I just ruminate about having a run in with someone who dislikes me or is rude and having to resolve it. At this point I don’t even have much contact with family as interacting at all just stresses me out. I’m trying to study but I can’t focus because I keep ruminating about work. Which is another stressor as I want to get out of my current field. This isn’t my only obsession but it’s what causes me the most distress because it affects my work and social life. I want to start ERP but I don’t know where to start. (I can’t do therapy on here as I’m not located in a country where it’s available.) I used to take fluvoxamine but I haven’t been to the doctor in a while. If you have similar obsessions or advice let me know. I’ve read Michael Greenbergs stuff on stopping rumination, but it’s hard not to justify as I’m obsession about something happening in real life. Thank you for reading if you managed to get through this screed.

Ok I’ve been struggling with this sub theme for the past few months and recently it’s been pretty good for the most part until the past few days when whenever I saw a attractive man on social media or whatever (I’m a male btw) that triggered the thoughts, saliva would start to build up in my mouth which is starting to freak me out because this only started happening like a few days ago. It’s starting to make me feel like I’m actually attracted to men when I really want nothing to do with them (even just typing that makes me question in lol) but yeah idk what this means

I was exiting from highschool with my friend and these 2 girls passed in front of us. I felt like I saw their lower area with my peripheral vision. The thing is that they looked a bit younger than me even though I didn't see their faces, but I reassured myself thinking that I didn't do that voluntarily and that just because I saw a b*tt doesn't mean that I was attracted, I just felt that way because in my mind that part of the body is something innapropriate and immoral so it automatically assumes that I had malicious perverted intentions. This was the day after I went to the psychiatrist (who is not an ocd specialist but still understands it a bit) where I talked about these similar triggering events that keep happening to me: the staring ocd. Abt how I feel like I'm always staring at k*** lower parts even when I'm not doing that, and of how, when I check to see if I saw what I saw correctly or if I was just mistaken, I end up doing the very thing I don't want to do. I asked him if it was real attraction or if it was my brain convincing me that I'm a **** because in my mind "b**t = inappropriate and immoral part", so it automatically assumes that I had bad intentions. He answered that it was the latter, but I don't know. For example if my teacher were to lean and I would happen to saw her lower area it wouldn't mean that I'm actually attracted just because I noticed something obvious in front of me. But things change a lot when it involves pocd stuff, with staring ocd compulsions where you choose actively to check those lower areas. And the pondering question is: did I do that because I was attracted or it something explainable on ocd terms? My psychiatrist often triggers me with his remarks and I misunderstand him a lot because he is not clear with his answers. Something he said that triggered me a lot in our previous appointments was that "people can feel attraction even looking at inappropriate part of k**s, but that doesn't make them bad as long as they don't partake in action". Since he said that I'm afraid that I could have been attracted by what I saw, and that I kept staring not because of an ocd compulsion but because I was attracted... and if this were to be true I can't leave with myself. But the hypothesis that I could have been attracted seems very real and logical. This is the same psychiatrist who diagnosed me with ocd, but after I told him that I thought I had it, I don't how much that is valid. When I returned from school I saw this little girl that was at least 100 meters away, but since it was trigger my senses alerted. Even though it was so far away that it wasn't visible I felt like I looked at her b*tt when I actually didn't. And then there was also this other k** and I felt like I stared in its lower area. I kept staring in that direction for some reason instead of looking away like I usually do. Involuntarily staring at triggers lower parts trigger me a lot, but I feel much more disgusting if the trigger is wearing "tight" pants, because I feel like my eyes saw something illegal, so maybe I was checking to make sure that it wasn't the case, and I was right. But still why did I choose to stare in that direction? The staring itself is wrong. I'm sick. This triggered me a lot and I went to sleep to drown these feelings for the entire day. And then many other triggers started to pile up as I was navigating through youtube and instagram. https://youtu.be/SK1FCz4fgS0 under this video there were thirsty comments about this female character and I was thinking how much ethical or right it was to say this kind of stuff. I too noticed what they did, but I don't know if I was attracted or not by what I saw. I don't know how to determine that. I don't know what is attraction in that sense. It is wrong because it's unwanted se&ualization, but as it happens in many videos where girls appear and have "noticeable" private parts people in the comments leave thirsty comments pointing out the "obvious" or writing "what colors was her shirt" and stuff like that and my thought in this matter was "you shouldn't do that, if I were to notice it I'd feel bad because it isn't an inappropriate thing to do, but I guess it is kind of okay as long as the person they're thirsting over is a grown up adult" Then I had a terrible thought: "what if that character was a ***?" People would think same perverted way, but they wouldn't express it in the comments because they know they'd get in trouble. If the inaproppriate part is noticeable then you'll notice it and you would be automatically se&ualizing a minor, and a part from that if you were to feel attraction would that make you a ****? But why would you notice it in the first place? Why would you look in that area in the first place? That is an alarming act itself, to look at ***s. I feel like when I encounter **** I'm not seeing them in their entirety, as a whole, as I do when I see adult people who do not trigger me, but that I'm automatically focusing on the lower part because I'm so obsessed and concerned if I'm staring inaproppriately and se&ualizing so my brain sends distressing signs and has to check to shut down the uncertainty of seeing something right or wrong, but then as I do that I end up in a loop of distress. This thing is fucking me over, and I feel these are enough proofs that I'm a ****. I'm distressed and confused and I feel abonimable. https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cq1sCD8IPV5/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= I also saw this triggering reel and I'm afraid that what I felt suddenly was attraction and that feeling scared me a lot. It felt like a definitive proof that I'm a ****. I'm a monster for having such abonimable thoughts, and all the things I did are untolerable and unforgivable, I don't deserve understanding and compassion, I'm too far gone. It's over.

Right now I'm dealing with Pocd, and my main obsession is like age checking ? Whenever I see someone somewhat attractive I always have a thought saying "what if they were underage and you found them attractive " do I just dismiss the thought? Because it really does bother me but at the same time I'd like to know. Or one time some girl appeared on social media to look older and I found her attractive but once I saw her age I freaked out & felt so uneasy and uncomfy.

How are we supposed to manage our mental health and our kids/marriages/homes? I'm so sad I can't be in the moment because of this disorder. I hate it. My kids deserve to have a present mom.

Different OCD themes come and go. But there is something happening that is causing me to be worried. Especially since last year, I have been noticing that my mental energy is draining more than it can generate, it's a vague description, but I will try and put it into words. During but also in between the OCD cycles and themes there is this feeling or knowing inside of me that my mental ability to stay positive is declining, I have had depression in the past and possibly am depressed now, but It's something else than just plain depression. It is this build-up of mental suffering, and where I was able to for as long as it would last get in a positive attitude, I now just don't feel like doing that anymore. I am very tired, and look back with envy to myself a couple of years ago when I was having an extremely difficult time as well, but always felt there was this chance of hope. My hope is just gone, I can't feel it anymore, or at least way less than before. And the trend I'm going through is that with every OCD cycle, this hope I try and empower myself with to keep going feels smaller and smaller every time OCD comes and goes, 2 days ago I sat at my home desk, and suddenly got this sensation of sadness, but not normal sadness, sadness that felt very empty, almost like when you get extremely bored and start feeling empty and like that feeling of homesickness, not sure if anyone can relate to that feeling? I became very aware of that sensation growing and growing inside of me while I was just watching YouTube stuff on my laptop, and I could really feel myself sliding down into that hole of darkness. I have never experienced this so intense and so clearly. it scared me, and I started to get anxious if this feeling would stick with me while going to bed and trying to fall asleep, it did for a short while, but eventually, I fell asleep anyway. It's just this constant awareness of this feeling inside of me that I have throughout the day, the feeling of hopelessness, but even worse is the feeling that I have is extremely hard to explain, it does not really match all boxes I read about depression, hopelessness, etc. This is what scares me the most the feeling of being the only person feeling this, although I have my wife and 2 young sons supporting me, I have friends and other family who support me, it feels so lonely. during these times I get the feeling of not wanting to be here anymore, but when I think of my wife and kids, I then feel extremely sad and guilty. For the record, I am currently seeing a specialist for my OCD, and yes I am on medication. But in my mind, I have gone too far already, it feels as if my issues have outgrown the capabilities of all the therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, etc. if seen or still am seeing, but also the meds I take or meds there still are to try. it feels my mind has already made itself immune to it. Largely, I feel like it's also an issue due to my attitude. If I could just attain a more positive attitude towards things, but every time I try and become positive, I don't feel it, i don't see it, and it just almost seems to get immediately nullified. I wish to believe it's me doing it, but a lot of the time or most of the time it feels there is something omniscient and omnipresent that is doing this to me, as if it always already was meant to go this way and will keep going this way, and nothing I do will change it. Reading all this could it be that OCD plays a big part in it? maybe the constant checking if this sensation is still present? But even asking that question feels useless, because in case OCD could play a role, me being convinced this is something that is outside of my control and is something being forced upon me will always prevent me from believing it might be JUST OCD and thus able to come back from it.

I have been seeing a psychiatrist and I feel like he’s doing more harm than good. It’s basically talk therapy during our sessions. He’s been saying that all intrusive thoughts stem from some internal reason and that I’m having these horrific intrusive thoughts because I’m suppressing anger from my life. But I don’t get angry often and have never suppressed any emotion I have ever had in my life. If I have ever been upset or angry about anything I talk it out and then try to move on from it. Which I thought was normal. He’s making me really scared and making me think that I’m having these intrusive thoughts because there is something wrong with me and not my ocd. He is saying that he doesn’t really want to focus on the ocd because he thinks it’s the suppressing thing that I mentioned before. I want to get help for my ocd. He prescribed me medication for my ocd but I don’t want to start it if I’m not getting any help and or relief from our therapy sessions. I’m really scared and anxious and I don’t know how to get help for my terrible intrusive thoughts. Can any give me some advice please? I’m really scared.

I would love to hear about this method of saying this "maybe thing" to the thoughts. Honestly it seems WILD to me and WILDLY triggering. At times I will get a thought and reason with myself and it goes away eg. reminding myself that love ebbs and flows. Is this bad? Is it a form of reassurance seeking? Just curious and would really appreciate some opinions if anyone has time! 😌

I’m feeling so conflicted and scared as of right now. I’ve gotten a lot better these past few months. Before I would have anxiety attacks almost every day and I was physically and mentally drained. I’ve accomplished so many things I thought I couldn’t. Or I should say I didn’t think I would be alive to have accomplished them. I accidentally kept missing my anti depressants for a whole week and now I’ve gotten better at talking them now but I’ve gotten more depressed ever since. I don’t know if they truly helped or if I’m just having a hard time again no matter the medication. My brain feels so foggy. This OCD thing has been going on for almost 7 months without missing a day. And this past week suicide has come across my mind again. My brain starts going at a hundred miles per hour every time I see or think about anyone under 18. I start questioning myself and my stomach drops. I start to feel that hopelessness again. How will I ever live a normal life if I’m a monster? How do I keep going? I’m so ashamed of myself and I just don’t want to be this way anymore. I get so scared of being around kids. And I start worrying about when my siblings or friends are gonna start to have kids and they’re gonna be apart of my life. I can’t handle that without isolating myself from everyone. I’m scared of what I’m capable of or who I truly am. I don’t remember ever worrying or even thinking about these kinds of things. But then I start to think oh that’s because I hadn’t fully developed yet and now that I am developing more I’m becoming more of this monster inevitably. I try to put myself in these uncomfortable situations but I still feel and think the same. Any time I hear about someone who hurt a child my heart stops and I begin to panic on the inside. What if that’s me? Is it me? Should I just end my life? Why am I even worrying about this? Will I ever think normal again? It’s been months and I still worry about this every single day. I’m graduating high school soon and hopefully getting a job. But I’m so scared to get a job. I already have anxiety as it is but now I’m most likely gonna come across kids at work every day. I think to myself maybe it will help me overcome this fear or maybe I’ll just end up proving to myself that I am a monster. I’m just scared of being sexually attracted to everything I’m not supposed to be. Whether that be family, minors, or animals. I never used to worry like this. I just want it to stop. I don’t know how much longer I can handle. Any advice for anyone who may relate??

How do you guys with religious ocd handle your healing process when it makes you feel that you are sinning? I always think that I might sin by ignoring my ocd things and then I always think if I should stop but that would keep me in my ocd...

Hi all, I’m just wondering as to how treatment for OCD and NPD traits may look like. On one hand, ERP helps with OCD without a doubt. But I feel that it ignores my NPD traits that also need desperate attention. At this point, I don’t think it’s likely OCD mirroring NPD, as it already a pattern of self-sabotaging and destructive behavior. Some of these traits: Fantasies of unlimited power, prestige, and beauty. For example: I sometimes think I’m the emperor and that I have legions of trans dimensional aliens at my service. Or that I have a bunch of $$$, three race cars, a mansion, and my own vault with riches. Lashing out/snapping in anger at the slightest criticism or feedback. Feelings of low self esteem. I literally think I’m garbage and that I have no worth as a person. And that making boatloads of $$$ will help mask those feelings. The need to one up everyone to prove my superiority and having the last word. I genuinely feel jealous of others who are more attractive, smarter, or healthier. And then I question my own successes and trivialize them. A constant need of validation and reassurance, which may just be my OCD too. But I take it a step further and actually start displaying attention seeking behavior like dressing up. These are the main tendencies I notice in myself. I like to think I still have empathy and self awareness, but those with NPD can still show some degree of empathy. Is there anyone else going through something similar? If so, is ERP still ok to treat these traits too? Or should I seek something different?

My intrusive thoughts are so bad today, I feel so much regret. I’m part of the anime community and I’ve unfortunately encountered a lot of negative stuff that I naively thought it was ok at first until I learned that it wasn’t. I hate how easily tricked I get by the few bad people within this community. This also applies to the realm of fan fiction, in which I first encountered it by watching anime in my pre teen years. I’ve unfortunately read fan fics and fan comics that contains immoral stuff and I regret it so much. It lead me into a deep spiral of intrusive thoughts, so I quit fan fiction as a whole for a year. I started it back up a few months ago and I unfortunately read a few non con and underage fanfics of ao3, only of two fandoms (Jujustu Kaisen being one of the two) and fan comics surrounding the protagonist of jujustu kaisen as well. I feel so much regret about reading it because I am 20 years old and I would not have read it, but I have terrible morbid curiosity. I’m so scared I’m a bad person, I do not even want to do these things that I read in real life. I understand that there’s the topic of “fiction vs. reality” but reading all of this has affected my mental health severely. I don’t want to be a bad person and will stop reading these types of things. I’m not even attracted to people younger than me and I hate having those types of thoughts. But I’m so scared that I will like them, I don’t want to be a bad person.

I've had ocd since like elementary and I'm now in high school.. I have adhd, tics, dyslexia, anxiety, depression, and clearly ocd.. tbe mix of all these are really hard to deal with, I keep gaining more and more ocd compulsions over time, I have a fixation on somebody because of my ocd and the obsession over the numbers 2 and 4 (especially 2). it messes up the way I literally drink water.. I have wash my hands twice, I HAVE to wash my hands after touching any sort of food even if it isn't messy; im a baker and a cook so it's extremely annoying especially since I want to major in this professionally. I don't allow myself to get into bed unless I've showered because I feel like it'll comantiate my bed and I also won't allow myself to use the bathroom until I get out of school clothes (I don't have an understanding abt this honestly but if I do, do that it feels as if somebody is watching me and it's uncomfortable) I can't have anything I've brought to school like perfume in my bathroom as well because it makes me extremely paranoid for some reason. I find myself not being able to open up about my ocd (there's only 3-4 people I've told and it wasn't really even in depth.. none of them were relatives as well) and when i do share some thoughts i feel like im just being a burden, i jsust want to get help for my ocd so badly . I randomly get these sexual unwanted thoughts about my crush and I feel extremely guilty and gross afterwards, sometimes it's with others that i know.. I'll think about these unexplainable extensial/philosophy questions a lot and it doesn't help that im extremely interested in space so those questions gets worse for me. during when I'm in school I CANT touch my skin except for my nose, the only time when I allow myself to not do this sort-of is when I'm in a class with my crush which is only like 3 or 4 out of 9 classes i dont know why i do this honestly, when I do accidentally touch my skin i have to double tap my nose then flick my hair twice. when I'm on the bus (mostly afternoon) I get like these ocd and tic 'attacks' its so draining. when on the bus, whenever it passes a cenemtary or a house that burned down I have to stay still look up and put my finger on the top of my phone side if i dont do it i feel like itll happen to me or somebody i care dearly about, I also have certain words that trigger my compulsions and they are all dealing with negative stuff if I don't give into the compulsions for this as well I feel like it's going to happen to me/somebody I care about . I always have to avoid the number 1, if I write it I have to overlap the number 2 4 times, and if I say no or type it I have to put "yes" .. I've seen/heard that ocd can be just passed down which basically everybody in my family has ocd so, but also it can be caused because of emotional ,sexual, pshycial abuse & trauma so im curious about if trauma can trigger it to be worsened. i have so many more examples of more compulsions and stuff related to ocd that happens to me but I feel like I've already ranted enough, at the end of the day ocd is extremely extremely draining for me especially with having tics ; I do get confused on what are my tics and what are my ocd compulsions so sorry if that happened again . i wanted to finally open up about stuff

Im just getting agrier cause i worry more then i used too. Spiritual things should help but im made me feel worse. Even my therapist said to me to try "non-duality" and spirituality. I watched alot of videos about "youre not your mind" and non duality that "everything is fake" and all that cr*p, tell me how could you live your life if you dont have an identity, cause thats the ego, and the ego is "bad" so we shouldnt identify ourself to anything,cause we are the "watcher". In some videos they even say "youre not the doer" so if you do bad things its not you, its the body and the mind, which is not you... If you want to decide what you want to do, you need the ego,you decide this is what i value, this is my belief(which they say its just thoughts too), you need to identify as a good person, maybe we arent cause we are humans but atleast we try. Then theres the non duality which says nothing is good or bad, everything in the world is fake, then try to live your life like that, youre fake, nothing is real, its an illusion, i bet you will not enjoy anything, you will even become mentally ill... Even when i hear "youre not your mind" it makes me more anxious cause i feel like theres a big "machine" in me that just works by itself and you cant do anything about it, it even effects how you feel and you cant do anything about it, you just have to watch it... its like you have to watch someone beating your best friend, you just sit there and watch... this is a very bad point of veiw. I do believe we arent the mind, we are souls, but we have to use our brain, thats why God made it for us, and the ego too. We have to see ourself as something. I read somewhere that trying to "kill" the ego is just trying to hide from something, its not possible. Or when i hear that you can think more "deeply than the mind, with your awarness" thats not real... i think thats still your mind but its a more inteligent part of your mind, not that part which deals with survival. God made the mind and the ego for us to use it for good.

Last night I was with my girlfriend and she just got her nails done and they were a bit long so I was helping her file them down and while I was doing that I had an like an intrusive thought or urge (idk which one came first) to squeeze her finger really hard and it felt like I almost did it or was starting to do it. I didn’t hurt her or squeeze hard but it legitimately felt like I was in the process of doing it and now my anxiety is going crazy because I’m afraid this proves that I’m evil and want to harm people. I was kinda fling the her nails hard and hold her finger still so idk if it was just like adrenaline but I’m afraid I acted on the thought :(

Hiya! I am 22 years old and I have been diagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since late 2022. However there are signs I may have had Harm OCD all the way back around 2012. My harm OCD causes me to get unwanted, intrusive imagery of me harming others. As a result of this, I have ended up doing compulsions such as ruminating, self harm, confessing intrusive thoughts and isolating myself (due to fear I could harm others). [TRIGGER WARNING START] The themes of my harm OCD ranges from imagery of physically harming others, to murder, kidnapping, torture, sexual assult or rape. I hate all of these intrusive thoughts. [TRIGGER WARNING END] Back in highschool (around 2012 - 2015), I was bullied a lot. I then started to get intrusive imagery of severely harming the bullies. As a result of this, I would constantly tell myself to calm down, out of fear that I could one day "break" and act of these violent thoughts. I had no clue this could be OCD. However, my OCD came back during first year of University, but this time it was harm and sexual harm thoughts towards my best friend. Eventually the intrusive thoughts started to loop and apply to other people as well, and that is when I got desperate to try and stop the thoughts. I eventually had my first major suicide attempt. I unfortunately did get misdiagnosed really badly by one mental health service, and information on me being a danger to others was shared to the police. On top of that, my privacy was breached and misdiagnosed information got shared to my University. This led to the University telling me that my "thoughts are of concern", and therefore was used a basis to place a "no contact agreement" towards one specific individual. Keep in mind that I TOLD them that I have zero control over my intrusive thoughts. On top of this, there were at least 3 other mental health services that stated my thoughts are not of concern (at the time. This number is now 6). This led to me blocking all my friends "to protect them from myself". I then completely isolated myself and avoided going into University. I did all the lectures remotely and somehow managed to complete my degree. This lasted for around 10 months. However, due to the fact that I continued to get "thought of concern", it felt like my degree was invalid. Since if the university knew I had harm thoughts towards everyone, then I truly believe I would have been excluded. I attempted suicide again, but sent a suicide email with a 50 page document that explains everything that happened. One of the emails was an apology to the University, where I stated the specific thoughts that I had, and how I was sorry for having them. I also mentioned how the University was right about my thoughts being of concern, and how me being dead may have saved a few people lives. I 110% believed what the University told me. My attempt failed as I could not go through it, so I went to A&E, where I was told I could have Harm OCD. 3 days letter, I was arrested for "Malicious communication", since the police originally thought I was threatening to act on my thoughts. I was released after a day and the case got dropped, since it was not in the public interest. I also believe I would fall under "Not guilty" since for this law, you need to have the intent to cause my harm. My intent was to apologies, specifically because the university had issues with these thoughts. I then went private and got diagnosed with OCD. Myself and my family are considering taking one of the mental health services to court for "Medical neglect", since they ruled out OCD despite me clearly having it. A complaint to the University is also being considered, with possible escalating to "Emotional Distress caused by discrimination". The way the University handled the meeting was horrible, and when I tried to defend myself, I was told that what I had to say "Did not matter". They also claimed that this was not an "investigation", however also stated that they contacted several people before coming to decision (So clearly they did investigate it). The good news is that I have finally recovered from quite a few of my compulsions, with the additional help from medication (Paroxetine 60mg per day) and ERP therapy. I still continue to get a lot of intrusive thoughts, with a lot of them being around the University telling me my "thoughts are of concern". While I have not been diagnosed with PTSD, I do think I might have it, since the University comment still sticks around to this day. I'm not even at University anymore. I do feel rather lonely with these type of thoughts. Typically people have cleaning or counting rituals, but mine are quite different (still counts as a compulsion though).

Oftentimes, those of us who are in the throes of struggling with our OCD will say to ourselves, "Why did I have to end up with OCD, why me?". I get it, I've said that to myself many times in the past too, especially when I was really struggling with my OCD! What if instead we say to ourselves, "Why not me?". OCD does not make up our entire identity, it is simply a part of who we are. There are a lot of amazing qualities that we have as individuals that maybe we would not have if we did not have OCD too. For example, I believe I am a very empathetic individual because of my OCD. So remember, you are you because OCD is a part of who you are, but not your whole identity. Who are you exactly?

I have to write out this anger or stress, i think therapy and psychotherapy didnt helped me, cause my psychologist described ocd not like how it is, and i always heared that my ocd is different then others, i "MADE" mine so i can save myself with something(i have harm/suicidal ocd btw, she told me i dont want to die but i want to stop the pain...), and everytime i felt like she pushes this idea that i have depression and ocd is the symptom while its the opposite. I always felt like thats where the whole thing leads too and it did, then i even accepted that i have depression, then i started to search for a reason why, and i got told to not do it cause theres no reason. I still did it and im glad i did. I found some things that happened in the past that made my self-image really bad, but it still wanst depression. So the last time i was talking with her, told her everything, and throughout that she just stared me like she doesnt care and held her head, like i was making her feel annoyed. And i noticed it too. And at the end she told me i talk too much and to change that write out my thought and then check what thought makes sense and what doesnt. Yeah this helped but couldnt she told me in the beginning to stop cause this doesnt maked any sense... she just sit there like she didnt care and made me angry. And i was told many times to not watch videos or read about things that could help me which in some cases its true but if i didnt do that i would be still there believing that im a depressed person for some reason... because i read about my condition and watch videos i could realize that its ocd and overthinking and depression is a symptom of that... and im not even trying to run from pain, its just harm and suicidal ocd... And the therapist, it was actually really good, the problem was that he diagnosed me with ocpd and ocd, while the psychologist diagnosed me with depression... And in the last therapy he told be about "non-duality" and i searched about that, watched videos and the whole thing made me more stressed, its too much for me... i dont like these "nothing has a meaning, everything is fake" phylosophies, and the people who live with these and makes videos about these are hipsters who live in the forest and smoke mushroooms(sorry if i offend someone, im not into that thing) So at the end i really feel like i did more thing for myself then therapy or psychotherapy did (God and people helped alot too)