Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I don't think it's ocd anymore. I'm convinced that I'm going to hell and there's nothing I can do. I don't want to i want to go to heaven. these thoughts are killing me. I can't do this anymore.

I don't understand how to calm down long enough to explain my OCD to those around me, and I don't even feel comfortable enough to open up to those around me. But, I miss my parents/nieces so much but my parents won't let me around my nieces because my bf (I live with) and I have had arguments recently and my mom told me my niece (9) told her therapist about my argument with my ex bf 5 years ago, and my mom said it was traumatic for my niece (I kicked my bf out of my house because he was a compulsive liar and I caught him in another lie). I feel like my parents truly believe I am a terrible person and they aren't willing to make time for me to actually get to know me. I feel uncomfortable like I can't be myself around them and it leads me to feeling like I have no family. My nieces are my favorite people in the world and I love them a lot but it feels like my mom is using my own trauma against me by saying she doesn't want me to traumatize my nieces with my mental illness. My nieces are the only people that treat me like a human being and love me unconditionally. I just feel like somewhere between 18 and leaving for college, and now 23 still in college and living on my own, my parents and I have drifted so much and it feels like they are relieved to see less of me. I don't have anyone that I feel like I can open up to, except for my bf but my ROCD loves to ruin that too (and my bf's parents keep calling him and telling him to leave me because I am a sociopath). I was supposed to go to my nieces' dance recital today but I have been so anxious the past few days because I'm worried everyone will be able to tell I have POCD intrusive thoughts and it feels so wrong to sit in a theatre and watch little girls dance. My brain keeps making it out to be so creepy. On top of that, I started new medication for my PTSD nightmares, and it made me drowsy and oversleep today and I feel horrible. I told my mom I couldn't make it today and I am left sitting with this guilt because she always tells me I let my nieces down and I am so scared I will legitimately have nobody. They almost moved to another state last year and they didn't even consider me when making that decision because they said I never come around anyway but I don't come around because they don't understand my condition and they don't take the time to understand my condition so they just treat me like I'm not worth the energy or empathy and being in their company makes me feel worse but I would do anything in this world to have them love me again. I just feel so consumed by the anxiety and I know if I open up to my parents they are just going to tell me to pray about it and I am no where near ready to even think about religion again and it just feels like when it comes to my family, it triggers every single theme and I end up feeling hopeless and depressed and I don't know how to get better. I keep going back to being a kid and my parents both loving me before I started getting more depressed/anxious because of my brain. I also feel like my family doesn't know how to act around each other unless we are bonding over our trauma together. We don't know how to converse about anything other than that. I feel like I don't have parents anymore and I feel like I am begging strangers to love me and let me into their lives/hearts but they make it seem like they can't be around me too much because I've caused them too much pain and I don't know how to deal with that guilt of hurting them. And I know both of my parents probably have some OCD too and I worry if I open up to them then I will ruin both of their lives even more. I just don't know what to do I just want to feel like I have a mom or dad. Or anyone.

I just need help understanding that not every difference or disagreement needs to end in a horrible relationship with constant arguments or dissatisfaction. My boyfriend is very words of affirmation and enjoys acknowledging that he spoils me. Growing up my household, was very anti-words of affirmation, seeing it as gloating. So I interpret his self appreciation as throwing it in my face that he buys me things or treat me well. These things don’t mix very well but we know this and work on it. Unfortunately my mind thinks that since we’re not perfect with this it’s going to just cause building resentment and cause huge fights and ultimately end our relationship. Obviously this doesn’t have to be the case but how can I internalize this? When I’m triggered I get so fixated and think this will be the end of us (amongst other themes and triggers) it’s just tiring thinking everything ends in failure, or that I’m the only person in a relationship that is trying to work though something like this and that everyone else just finds someone that is able to 100% meet every need all the time. Any advice or support?

You would think by now, I would KNOW it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but I still believe everything. I will admit I had problems with compulstions in the past, but I overcame that somehow, and now it's turned to reassurance seeking towards everything. Anyone have any tips on how to overcome reassurance seeking, and believing all of my thoughts?

It’s constant thoughts… even some like “oh what if <insert past person> sees you and thinks you’re pretty? And it repeats over and over. I missed my medicine dosage last night. Already prepared for the bad thoughts. I’m so sad. My rocd and false memory ocd is so bad. I really want to give up. I feel like I can never enjoy my relationship, I love him so much tho, more than I can even say

I feel like now I have to record what happens to me/details of situations that trigger anxious episodes in order to have the "memory" in ink so I can't confuse it later when the rumination comes in. It has to be specific as I can possibly manage, down to date and time. I have done this as journaling, but I usually did that at the end of the day, but now I feel like I have to do it immediately after the thing happens. Is this a sign of compulsive behaviour, or am I just losing grip on my own memory? I'm also starting to doubt myself very strongly when it comes to confirming if "the bad thing" didn't happen, or if the "right thing" did. I can have ample evidence to support the outcome I know happened/didn't happen, but still brain doubts. I've been trying to go about my day living in the belief that I am right, but anxiety does not like to let go. I suppose this is all part of whatever disorder I've developed... Just gotta live I suppose. I am so tired of this...

Can ocd really send you such horrific vile and deep dark thoughts To the point im like this is not right atall 😓 Really bad thoughts of harm just to hurt people. I see people say they have bad thoughts but mine are those of a dark mind 😓 I dont know what my morals or values are anymore either, when people say just go towards your values i can honestly say i dont know what they are or if this is the new me an i want to do this just to hurt people??

I have C-OCD for... almost all of my life. It's been an ever evolving thing, and parts of it have gotten a lot better. I used to spend over an hour in the bathroom every time I went pee, washing my hands and my stomach and my leg area, and genitals out of fear of any pee splashing on me and any germs that could have connected from the pee stream. This has gotten better, and I've (mostly) gotten over this fear, understanding that I would feel it splashing on me, and the world would not end. However, I am spending upwards of 8-10+ hours in the bathroom every time I have to poop. I won't go deep into the details of my rituals, but they are long and I have to make sure I am EMPTY, and then do a certain number of wipes in certain spots, and then do a final couple wipes with one piece of paper to check, and if that doesn't go well, I have to start all the way over, and by the time I'm done it has typically taken 10 hours. Anyways, I just feel like my bathroom usage is ruling my life and I hate having to spend so much time of my life in there. I'm never sure I can go on trips with family, and I'm constantly canceling on people and I have to make plans on when I'll use the bathroom and plan my day to day based on that. I'm certain it also takes a toll on my family, and my girlfriend. I go to talk therapy and my therapist is really great but. I don't think that I'd enough anymore. I'm lost and I don't know what to do. I'm sick of having to deal with this. Thanks for reading.

I am feeling so shitty right now… I am literally dealing with so many mental issues it’s making me hate the way I am and it’s messing with my head. I need to know I am not alone, I need to hear that someone feels similar. I am such a sensitive/nervous person I hate it SO MUCH. I dealt with Harm OCD for so long, and I’ve always been a loner, but now that I am finally getting to meet more people, my low self esteem, social anxiety and even emetophobia are getting on the way. Whenever I hang out with new people I haven’t met for that long, I get extremely nervous, shaky, sweaty, red, my voice cracks, my lips tremble, and I even struggle to eat. This is messing so bad with my self esteem, (that was low on its own), that I feel embarrased and uncomfortable around people all of the time. I hate this. I just wanna be happy and I haven’t been able to in such a long time. I am always dealing with so much I can’t take it.

OCD stole those precious moments away from my baby and I. She’s 18 months now but I went through so much. I was having really scary thoughts. I didn’t want to be around her cause I was scared I was going to hurt her. I avoided my baby when she needed her mother. I was so scared to be alone with her. It hurts so bad. She’s the most perfect thing on this earth and I feel like she deserves so much better. I’ve struggled with OCD and depression all my life. I’m so scared that I’m going to ruin her somehow with all my mental health issues. God I just want the best for her. I can’t get over the guilt. I’m 20 weeks with my second and I’m so scared. I love my babies so much but i don’t want to ruin them.

I had a few gay experiences when I was a kid and that would be when I was with my male cousins ​​and a few kids in the neighborhood at least 5-7 times a year... after going through these, I would have a lot of embarrassment and boredom. and I was always ashamed of it. I couldn't talk to girls much until 3rd high school, either we would be friends or I couldn't communicate with them while talking, I was bad and I didn't have a good relationship with my mother, but I was nice to other women to be respectful. my mother used to embarrass me too, I fought with my mother a lot when I was a kid, then passed in high school, of course, this tragic life of mine affected my relationship with women and my god complex towards my father always made me think that my father knew best and he was wrong affected me deeply over time... my very terrible experiences Now, was I trans, was that the reason I loved female main characters and watched teen dramas when I was a kid, or was I gay? It affected me because I was so ashamed of women and because I had a sexual relationship too late. I don't know if it's me I wonder if the thought of dying comforts me in these situations

The thoughts and feelings make me feel in denial. Accepting them makes them feel even more real

How can you tell the difference between being attracted to someone’s looks and wanting to look like them? I’ve never had a strong sense of identity and I feel so disconnected from everything right now that it’s impossible to tell. I’m compulsively looking at everyone I see and asking myself if I want to look like that.

I feel like the things our brains come up with (intrusive thoughts) can be actually traumatizing. Even if you’ve have the most perfect life, no abuse or anything, OCD can leave you with some sort of trauma. Like can you get ptsd from this? I feel like this is probably one of the worse mental illnesses out there

I have a horrid fear of being cheated on, I have been cheated on in the past, and I have a fear of abandonment so bad that I am pretty prone to codependency. I was in a long distance relationship for a year and a few weeks ago moved in to his apartment. Im thrilled to be here, I love him, he is my favorite partner I’ve ever had, and my best friend. I have a severe fear of being cheated on. I have struggled with even hearing about his coworkers. I’ve tried to bite my tongue and tell him to make me uncomfortable with these things because I need to get over it. Right when I moved out here he turned find my iPhone on for both of us. It’s a kind of nice gesture, especially with him being my only point of contact in this state. Only I know he can look like he’s home all day if he just switches location to something like his iPad or EarPods. Sooooo of course I’m checking it non stop. And then at that he can always see me coming home from work. 3 days in a row I saw the same girl coming from our apartment building when I get home. She makes eye contact with me and I smile but my gut tells me that’s his other girlfriend. It threw me into a full on panic attack on the third day and he got mad at me. I told him I just want him to hold me and tell me I don’t have to worry but he says getting accused of being a shitty person this much makes him not want to be close to me like that. At this point he doesn’t want to hear it and he says he’s given me enough reassurance. I realize the average person wouldn’t move a partner in from out of state if they had a local affair partner. I’m trolling adultery Reddit, I used my old phone to hide at work on wifi to try and come home “early” and surprise him and now that’s my only goal on the daily. To come home and see them together because that’s all I can see in my head. Right when I started my new job he took a two week break between his- so he’s gonna have all this free time, untracked, and it’s making me feel so horrible. I want to quit and stay home, I want to hide microphones and cameras. I feel crazy. I feel like there’s no way to get out of this without breaching serious trust or pushing him away with lashing out. I can’t ask for reassurance because of his take on it and also because I know that doesn’t fix the problem it actually makes it worse. I’m lost and dying over this and desperate to fix this. His stance is that the last gf he had like this cheated on him, and he’s going to get tired of hearing about it one day and snap. (We’ve dated twice. This is honestly our main problem) I asked for what he thinks I should do and of course he wants me to “just stop” and “get over it” that I spend “too much time justifying why I have these fears” and that I need to “just decide to not have them anymore.” Like bro I wish I could I’m in agony. Admittedly other than me being sensitive and looking for anything that could be a sign of cheating (and getting delusionally creative over it) I actually don’t think he is cheating on me. But I still can’t stop feeling like and treating him like he is because it’s taken over my brain.

Anyone here believe in God? Anyone get mad at God for letting this happen to you? I was only 19 when this happened. I'm 47 now. I am not the greatest person in the world, I'm not the most moral person. But this ruined my life, stripped me of any potential I ever had. ANd it made every other emotional problem I have (borderline pd, major depression) far worse. I didn't deserve this. I've never married, never had a good job. I haven't worked since 2013. Everything gets worse. And I don't understand why it had to be me. I keep telling God "I never ever thought of murdering people until you gave me this." And while I may actually just be talking to myself, at this moment anger at God is all I have.

For anyone with SO-OCD, this gay pride month is THE time to do ERP. Triggers coming out of the woodwork right now.

Hi everyone. I’ve been doing really well for the past 3 weeks or so. I’ve been doing a lot of ERP and I’ve been utilizing my tools well. I’ve felt amazing- I’ve had very few intrusive thoughts, and when I do I’m able to shake them off easier than in the past. A couple of days ago I got really triggered (I don’t even remember what the trigger was), and I’ve been an anxious mess ever since. I’ve been dealing with SO OCD for about a year and a half now, and every time I have a good stretch and then a “fall down” it makes me realize just how chronic OCD is (and makes me wonder if I’ll ever recover). I’m convinced that I’m not straight, and while I am doing a good job not trying to figure it out or ruminate about it, it makes me sad. All I want is to exclusively love and be attracted to women, but maybe that isn’t my story. Remembering what it was like to feel confident in your sexuality and be attracted to people you wanted to be attracted to makes me sad, as I don’t know if I’ll ever get there again. I struggle with logical fallacies such as “you acknowledged that man is attractive so you must be attracted to him; therefore, you aren’t straight.” I know this isn’t necessarily true, but I’m my OCD makes it feel like a certainty. I guess I’m just posting today to let everyone else know that you aren’t alone. OCD will make you believe anything. And while I’m not sure if the thoughts are correct in this moment, I’m just going to keep utilizing my tools- because that’s the only thing that gives me a chance of feeling like myself again. I’m glad we have this community. You’ve got this.

To bring some positivity in: what is something everyone has done this week that they are proud of? I would love to hear! Please share whatever you are comfortable with!

These past couple of days my OCD has taken a complete change of theme. I’m constantly questioning whether I actually love my son, do I actually want him? Do I enjoy spending time with him? Why don’t I miss him when I’m away from him? It’s killing me, I’m just constantly crying because I’m so worried that I might not love him and what sort of a mum would that make me. I’m trying to the ERP ‘maybe I do love him, maybe I don’t’ but it’s so tough because I don’t want it to become true that I don’t