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Im sorry to everyone i have upset with my posts… i just wish i could disappear… maybe then people would care… or probably they wont care at all…

Today I was open to my best friend about OCD and that made things a lot worse. She triggered me so much saying that she thinks my current partner is just a phase or that I’m just with him because I don’t want to be alone and it made me feel SO bad. Today my breaking up urge has been so strong and I feel so inclined to give up. 😞

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭

WARNING: long post that mentions abuse, religious trauma, sexuality, and gender/trans issues. I am writing as I need a space to process what has been a form of mental hell for the past month. There will be lots of details as I seek to understand my own experience more and seek some form of guidance. I am familiar with the work, have done a session with sheryl a few years ago, and I have counsellor (somatic experiencing) that I see regularly. I have just reached out to a clinical psych as I feel like I need the extra support. I have experienced anxiety since I was a teenager. I am currently 32 years old, and a single gay male. I grew up very religious. For the past few years I have been on an extensive healing journey doing whatever I can in order to not be anxious, depressed, and be present to my life. Most people who know me would think I'm a fairly easy going, confident, put together person. I have mostly been able to manage my anxiety, the biggest flare ups coming when I enter into intimate relationships or think about having sex. This past year, the lockdowns afforded me the opportunity to move to the beach, have regular therapy, and sit in silence a lot. I made some huge progress of contacting deep wounds and be able to allow my body to move through the grief. With a trained therapist, did some MDMA and Pysilocibin sessions and for the first time in my life had hope that I could truly be free, or free in my relationship to anxiety. I began experimenting with microdosing mushrooms and was feeling amazing; getting deeper insight into my life, ideas for the future, and even began addressing wounds from previous relationships where I had been cheated on etc. I let go of an ex-partner I had been holding on to, and really felt ready to welcome a new relationship into my life.... and thats when I descended into hell. If I could rewind for a moment, the first time I did psylocibin (magic mushrooms) in the therapist office I essentially relived my birth in graphic detail. Two moments in particular stood out, where I "slammed" into my grown, adult, male body and remember being shocked* that I had this big hairy mans body (I remember talking to my therapist about my mum was expecting a girl). And then after running around her garden feeling like i was born anew, in pure innocence.... I played out some attachment stuff with her which is very typical of my relationships (cuddling, want to be close, then being repulsed and annoyed, back to wanting to be close). We talked about how this played out in my last relationship (which had ended a year ago and I didnt realise i was still grieiving. Anyway, I recall sitting by myself for a moment and this random thought popping into my head "I am a woman and my name is Sarah Agnes". I was like...thats weird. Sarah Agnes is my great grandmother. I told my therapist when she came back from the toilet and then asked "Wait, does this mean I'm trans?!" and she reflected back to my that I looked very displeased with that idea. The session moved on and I didnt think much of it other than "that was weird...I also thought I was seaweed at one point!". As I continued to do my work, I was unpacking lots of shame around being gay man, my desire to open to more of femininity in fashion and spirituality. I unearthed a desire to be "more like the woman" in my relationships...I wanted to be soft, to be cherished, to be held. I have been a youth worker/therapist for most my life (noticing the self-judgement here as I type) and tend to be the more masculine one in dating; taking care of people, being strong, leading etc. I also began relating to "God" as Mother, rather than the traditional Father I had grown up with. I realised a lot of my religious zeal growing up was actually my longing for Mothers love, that oceanic womb like holding. I did another mushroom session, this time by myself (don't do drugs, kids!) and I had a wonderful healing experience, but also lots of just insane ideas, thoughts about knowing things about the future. Again, this thought came into my mind "You are trans. You are a woman" and I quite emphatically said "No. I don't want to do that. I'll do it next life but this life I want to be me a man" and the "voice" replied "there's always a choice". Again, post integration I continued to do my inner work, not really thinking too much about it. I was working more through the shame of being a gay man, and the shame of growing up and currently working in very masculine environments where I had to "butch it up" and not come across too femme or "gay". Even though my family has accepted me (after some horrible unaware comments while i was growing up), I tend to share a more reserved side of myself with them then I do with my gay mates or girlfriends. I began reflecting on those moments in the mushroom sessions and was a bit "this is weird. Why did that pop up?" Then september hit: A best friend of mine who stayed in church informed me her and her husband would start a church, but wasn't sure what their stance was on allowing LGBT+ people to participate. This was very hurtful and triggered a trauma response. I was shaking and crying and very angry. I then watched "Everybodies Talking About Jamie" a show a bout a very femme gay boy who wears a dress to his prom and I just wept through the whole thing, wishing I'd had his confidence and his mum growing up. I then found out my ex, whom I had love for and hoped we would get back together eventually (and tbh, the mushrooms made me believe we would), was seeing someone. I actually thought I handled that well, after processing the grief and anger I had supressed about him cheating many years ago. Honestly, I was feeling SO good after I felt like I had processed much of the above by November. I was sitting in nature for long periods of the day, I was feeling so present in meetings and social situations, I was even looking forward to seeing my family with this new level of embodiment. I spoke to my therapist about being ready for a relationship and really excited for 2022. Then two other things happened. I had a reiki session and during the session started to experience such intense anxiety around my gender. Without prompting, the reiki person said she was working on "past life stuff" where I had been a woman trying to pass as a man and it was "really hard" for her to remove. I began to get very anxious as to why I was having this experience, and what did it mean etc? I had never questioned my gender identity before and had felt very secure in being a man. Sure, I never really got the whole strict category of "man and woman" or "masculine and feminine". I just always was like "well, i'm me! I'm a gay boy who sometimes is more feminine sometimes masculine!". But the reiki session really threw me... I started to wonder why I had been having these experiences? Was I secretly trans and had never been aware? Maybe I was so traumatised as a kid I just buried? What if I am and I have to go through all the trauma I did as a teenager embracing my sexuality? What if I have to come out again? What if it ruins my chance of a relationship? I tried to push it all down and and for the most part succeeded. Then, one beautiful morning, went and had a massage and was was feeling SO relaxed, so at peace, so hopeful for the future. I was like "holy moly all the hard work of the past few years has paid off". I came home from my massage and decided I was going to do one last mushroom trip with the intention of "What stops me fully relaxing? How can I trust the universe more". My intuition said "not today, Mitch"... and I ignored it. I took a dose, which didnt seem to kick in, so I took a bigger dose and then BAM. I was deep in mushrooms grip. I was okay at first, and then i realised it was taking me somewhere dark. I relived EVERY moment as a child, teenager, and adult of feeling like I didnt fit in, there was something "wrong with me", that I was being "straight" or "manly" enough. I relieved moments of being touched when and where I didnt want to, of the isolation of dealing with my sexuality.... Moments in particular that stood out was when I was about 10/11 years old and was going through puberty. I was at the public pool with my dad and a school friend and I very proudly was showing off my "new hair down there" and um..."growth spurt". I could see my dad giving me this ashamed look, like I should be doing that with other men. The other was when I was asking my mother (i think i was 18 or 19) if she would prefer that I was Gay or Trans and she replied "Trans...the idea of two men together makes me stomach crawl". I think at the time I was hoping she'd say "gay" as that was what i was struggling with. I started having panic attacks when my housemate came home (she's a trauma therapist) and she very lovingly held me as I struggled to bring myself back. I then got gripped by the thought "what if I am trans?" and started panicking, asking her for reasurrance. Herself a more masculine butch woman assured me that "while she loved me no matter what, I don't think you are. It's not my place to say, but I would be suprised". I managed to bring myself down and seemed okay. However, the next two weeks were a nightmare of barely eating, wanting to sleep all the time (often with the aid of sleeping pills or valium) and really heightened anxiety. I was falling apart in my therapist room (a different one to the one I had done the "medicine sessions" with). I basically said to her, "If this is real, if this is true, than I don't want to be around. I have suffered enough and I will not go through this again". I wept a lot. Slowly I was able to bring myself back into my body and even managed to stop taking valium or other supports (other than herbal supplments) to sleep and eat again. I was able to function at work (private clients and presenting to large groups) and found that as long as I kept myself busy I was okay. I confided to a mentor of mine (clinical psych) who suggested that I might be experiencing OCD around gender. We reviewed my history and sure enough I realised as a kid I used to obsess over swear words, then as a teenager I obsessed over the idea that I had committed the "unforgiveable sin", then i obsessed over my sexuality and even the idea that I would get into a loving gay relationship and god would "make me straight". Then when i was in intimate relationship the typical relationship anxiety would become my obsession. She said she had just lectured on gender dysphoria and didn't think I met that criteria, and that it was like OCD triggered by the mushrooms. That brought some relief. I have confided in a number of queer friends/mentors of mine...even one I thought to be particularly progressive who have all responded with "We would love you no matter what, and we would tell you if we thought it were true, but I just don't think you are trans". I have been trying reaaaaaally hard not seek assurance. But most days I am waking up with this intense anxiety. I can function and get by without anyone really noticing, but I cry if I talk about the topic. I get triggered by any mention of gender, even pronouns (something I never thought about before). Even hearing my deep voice (something I used to like about myself) can trigger me. I had plans of working on my fitness this year and building back my muscles...triggered lol. Notice a girl is wearing a great dress? Triggered! (Where as previously I would've been an YAS HUNNY YOU LOOK AMAZE!). When I can sit with my anxiety, I can sometimes make space and use Wise Mind. I also sit with the fact I'm 98% certain I am happy in my male body. I have 0% desire to transition physically...in fact, like most basic men, I've always wanted a more muscular body, a deeper voice, a more full beard, and a bigger willy (sorry, had to say it!). But then my mind just goes into its usual bullshit about HOW DO YOU KNOW? Remember at 5 years old you used to like wearing that dress? You don't really like being around straight men...you like hanging with women more. You're just trying to suppress it cause you're a coward...you're just to scared to own this". The anxiety gets triggered especially when I think about dating. That is almost too terrifying to think of. The idea of be relaxed, open, and intimate with a man almost makes me want to vomit from fear. The thought is "when I'm open and relaxed, I'll realise I am woman and ruin the relationship and he'll leave me and I'll be alone forever". I have a session this week with my counsellor, and I have reached out to a clinical Psych who works with OCD. I am trying to avoid medication. I havent touched mushrooms since, though the temptation to microdose is there as thats when i felt my best. I am trying to sit with my feelings, use tapping...but all of this just feels so big and scary right now. My usual space of "going inside" is gone and I am at a loss...almost fearful I'll never recover. *sigh*.

I take really long showers that cause so much stress cause i get obsessed to make sure every part of me is covered in soap and then repeat the process on certain parts/have to reapply the area if i touch the curtain. And i worry about what wil happen and that the house will be filhly and germ ridden if i miss a part or touch the curtain. I shower as soon as i get home and wait on the porch cause i dread the shower. Any advice on how to not be so obsessed or get over being so concerned about it? I want to shower and get clean, but cant bring myself to shorten the shower/go over the top. I dont like anytning in thr house that isnt sealed before hand and i can open it and drop it so no on3 else has touched it. It is causing alot of trouble for me. Thank you.

I relaize that I can confess on the phone am I going to be ok does God know I was really scared and trying to get help from priests? Let me explain, I have OCD and I get very worried easily expectfuly on the internet, I was trying to do research expectfuly about blasphemy against the holy spirit, I learn if you are afraid you might did it then you didn't do it at all, which I was thankful until I had an intrusive thought about it, I panic I was scared, I said "No God isn't evil he is good he is good, I was scared to ask family's and friends so the only thing that came in my mind priest. So I went to a website to ask a couple of priest in different countries, I ask a question about it and how scared I was, most explain I'll be ok, one even prayed for me, and one let me confess about that thought I had in my head I explain, he said I was going to be fine and just not directly say it to him, I thank him and hang up then I looked at the sky and I said to God " I wasn't saying bad about you I was explaining my thought to a priest" and my anxiety got worse I was posting everywhere, asking people asking them if I'm going to be ok, I even explain to my mom, she explains I'm fine, I went to my step dad, he explains I'm fine, then I got worried and curious, so I asked Google and it says you can't, I freaked out I was so upset freaking out, and I was so upset that I upset God that I did that, my mom explains I'm fine and I'm ok she even explains that at least they were nice enough to let me know I'll be ok, I even ask my grandmother, she even said I'm ok and we're gonna talk more, I'm still freaking out, I love my Lord and savior and I'm worried I did something wrong I expectfuly not following the rules expectfuly doing research on Google about it, am I going to be ok I'm freaking out, I been hugging my bible, asking arc Micheal to get rid negative, I even keep repeating God loves me, and I love him, I'm trying so hard to be a good Christian I'm just so scared what I have done is scaring me, am I going to be ok I'm so scared I'm very scared, does God know I'm trying?

My ocd has me trapped in a spiral constantly digging for information and reassurance, and is pounding me with guilt, on a weird situation w one of my music idols. Said musician worked for a multitude of bands I listen to,and his work has inspired my own art work because of his overall bright, kind of circus-y childhood feel he puts into his work. Here's the thing abt him possibly being a creep,that has me feeling all over the place and has my head honestly hurting from guilt and rumination. A few years ago, one of his band mates accused him of doing The Thing when they were 16 and he was 27. Later on ,he posted that she and him had been talking for the last year and that it was a process but as long as things were healthy he'd see where it'd go. (Said person uses she/they/ he pronouns ,hence me switching them up a lot btw) And had started inviting the musician over and even letting him teach their kid an instrument. Now he's on totally good terms w him,posts praising his music and music he helped work on etc. A lot of the fans I've seen talk abt this also are still a fan of this musicians work even in spite of knowing all this stuff. There's a tad more to it but that's basically the jists of it. I've spent so much time digging through soo many reddit posts,googling. Whatever. I even joined a discord server for a podcast the musician runs to find more info which just intensified the guilt tenfold just by me being there(esp bc one of the ppl there was one of the ppl i asked abt for more info abt the situation in another server. Cant stop ruminating if tjey think im bad). I dunno. It sucks. On all levels. And it hurts Because this guy geniunely seemed like such an kind and fun guy and someone i obviously looked up to. Someone who's music I have a really strong attachment to and someone who is connected to a Lot of other music I listen to as well. I want to reassurance seek and dig for more info but I don't want to be disrespectful. Ocd is tearing me up in shreds abt it and making me feel bad no matter how I handle the situation. Even feeling bad abt having music that means a lot to me be tainted /unlistenable. I'm autistic and was hyperfixated on some of the bands he was associated w and some of his own stuff and I'm still fixated on some of the bands and just ignore stuff I know he worked on ,but even that I feel bad abt even though I'm pretty sure a lot of them don't know bc most of them r offline/the victim is still good friends w a lot of them (but he's friends w the musician again so idk.) Idk. Even if the victim made amends w the musician, I feel bad listening to listening someone who did that. And I feel bad no matter how I handle this. Don't know how to heal from this stupid spiral,keep going back to it.

Hi this is my first post. I have been struggling with this theme for awhile now. I am seeing a therapist here and it’s a work in progress. But does anyone else really struggle with this OCD theme? I feel like I am the only one sometimes. It’s causing me so much panic 24/7.

Ever since my worst relapse and ocd diagnoses I have this constant grieving feeling towards myself like I lost who I was before.

I’m relatively new here. I was hoping to sign on with a therapist until I discovered my insurance doesn’t participate and I can’t afford even the discounted rates. I’m trying to get an appointment with someone local, in network, but it’s taking months to get in the door with anyone reputable. My question is, what do y’all do when you start spinning out? Deep breathing, meditating? Just trying to figure out how to manage these anxiety attacks until I can get with a therapist. My husband of 30+ years seems to feel uncomfortable with me “coming out” as having OCD. I’ve lived with it for years, not really knowing what it was, so I kept all of my feelings bottled up… “stuffing” we call it… because as soon as I try to open up, he gets defensive and things it has something to do with him. It’s very frustrating. I love him, but I don’t feel like I can really open up to him about these feelings. ANY suggestions are welcome. Thank you.

Do your intrusive thoughts happen while you’re pleasuring yourself…? It feels so scary it’s like if I was pleasuring myself bc of the thoughts… The other day something weird happened like I even tried to pleasuring myself about my intrusive thoughts to see if that would really made me feel something but while doing it I was so sad like I forced myself to it just so my brain will shut up… Now all I can do is cry cause I’m scared that means I finally accept the truth otherwise I couldn’t force myself… That makes me want to throw up

Okay. I'm close to actually completely giving up. I'm 18 and now an adult. But there are some pretty big mistakes I've made when I was 12 and when I was 15 and these haunt my present and i am currently unable to accept the past and that it cannot be changed and i currently cannot forgive myself to the point that I think that I need to die to actually pay for my mistakes but I don't want to die. I want to live and i want to love myself but the immense guilt i keep inside of me for these mistakes keep me trapped in a cycle of "I'm not normal, I'm a monster and i always will be because of those things and my life is ruined" even tho I know that at the time I didn't realize that it's wrong what I'm doing. I just want to be free of it but it keeps haunting me over and over. I forgave myself before but now I feel guilty that I even did that because it feels like I'm legitimizing to keep living even tho I'm a bad person and that I need to die. I just feel hopeless and it's been like this for the past two weeks. I feel like I'm not allowed to forgive myself and even the "i was a teen back then, i didn't know better but now I'm an adult" don't bring me ease. I keep distancing myself from everyone, thinking "all those people are normal and morally clean, they can live a life full of happiness and deserved fulfillment whereas I need to die". It makes me sick that I did these things. All i want is to love myself and to feel inner peace. And all I want is to be with that special someone i have. I know that this will pass probably but i feel like I don't deserve anything anymore. I feel like I deserve to die. I really don't want to. These mistakes don't align with my values at all. I suffer from extreme depersonalization and headaches and i stress eat and I'm gaining weight which also stresses me out more. I wish I could travel back in time. How do you forgive yourself for things that are unforgivable?

i keep feeling like something is going to happen to me and i’m scared. i keep having to do things over and over to keep it from happening, but i am tired. this is giving me a headache. i can’t do it anymore. i really can’t tell if the Holy Spirit is warning me or if it is just ocd. i am nauseous.

Whenever I talk with my boyfriend I’m extremely sensitive about anything he says or jokes about our relationship as I have RA/ROCD. He doesn’t know the full extent to how this goes cause I’d like to make sure he doesn’t get worried about what I think about. He made a joke about how he always matches my energy and that I don’t but it’s okay. He’s always a bit more hyper than I am and his libido is higher so sometimes they just don’t match up. This joke caused me to become so quiet and over think like cause in some ways this is true but I don’t think he would joke about it if it really bothered him. I confirmed this with him on the phone and he said he would tell me if this is an actual issue. I’m just scared that a joke like this is like an early warning sign that it’s a bad relationship but I’ve made jokes like that too but when he does it I get super sensitive. I fear I’m getting toxic and I’m never going to let him say anything that isn’t ‘right’ without me making it into a moment where we need to discuss something. I’m just tired and want this to stop.

I post a lot here, but I might as well come out with my entire story. I'm in a living hell. First got harm OCD in 1995. I had violent images of hurting my mom. I didn't know what it was then. And it took me 2 extra years to graduate from university. Then I Had to leave graduate school because an obsession started about my dad. I moved back home and have been here ever since, working small jobs. The most money I ever made was $11.44 an hour. From 2006-2022 I was on Paxil and things were OK I guess. But during that time a lot of bad things happened to me. I lost 2 jobs and then broke my back. I haven't worked since 2013. In 2022 my dad got cancer and I have to be his caregiver. This is very very very stressful. For some reason I stopped taking my Paxil last year, I don't know why, and now the harm OCD has come back in addition to unexplained rage. I don't know if I have rage from the withdrawal of Paxil (and Xanax, I took it for 5 weeks to help me sleep last year), or if I'm angry as a caregiver. My father is the target of my harm OCD. The stress of doing things around here being in close proximity to him, the depression I have, the feeling that my mind has completely broke, I don't know what to do. THere are no therapists around me. And I struggle with feelings of resentment and hate which exacerbate the harm OCD. I feel as if the only way out is suicide, but then feel trapped because I can't bring myself to do it. Then for some reason in my mind I feel upset about my family going on and me being dead. I am totally insane. Even this right here, writing this, is simply a time-wasting mechanism. I'm always on the run. I don't know what to do.

Not sure if it’s allowed here but what lifestyle choices (diet etc) books and lifestyle choices in combination with erp worked for you :) would love to hear from those on the other side

my new psychiatrist was very adamant and persistent about knowing the exact content of my intrusive thoughts. i refused to tell him because it made me uncomfortable. is this normal??

I always thought it was just anxiety, but found out I have OCD. I have this constant need for reassurance and knowing that I'm not letting people down. I will ask them non-stop, and even when they promise me that everything is fine, I still think something isn't fine and they're just lying to me. So, I keep asking. I keep reading their body language to find something to make me not believe them. I have this NEED to make my parents happy and if they're not, then I'm going to spiral into an episode of not being able to rest until they have basically gotten sick of me. I will bring up the same subjects over and over and over again, ask the same questions over and over and over again because these thoughts won't stop. Thoughts of "you're going to lose your mom. she's so disappointed in you. if you don't do this, then you're doomed." There have been times when I've woken up in the middle of the night worried about my mom and wake her up to make sure she's ok. I have a hard time trusting that doctors are doing what they should be doing and didn't miss something in her tests. If I've upset my family, I won't be able to rest until I've asked them at least a dozen times if they're ok or if they hate me. I can't handle uncertainty. I also check lights, doors, curling irons multiple times every time I leave the house. I eventually started taking pictures to make sure, but even then I keep going back. I am about to turn down a trip to Washington because I am afraid I will disappoint someone by going, or that I will get infected by an illness and give it to my mom and she will be in the hospital and it will all be my fault. Please someone tell me this is all just in my head. Anyone else have these fears? It's scary to know I have OCD, but at the same time it's good to know that it's actually a thing and not just me.

For anyone in a serious relationship I need some help. There has been a lot of turmoil in my relationship, a lot. We have been fighting on and on, almost always about OCD. She hates it. Begs for it to be over, and doesn’t understand it at all. She asks over and over why I am anxious for no reason or sad or tired, and it is hard. Last night she told me to leave, and today we are supposed to talk because she has a lot of questions she needs answers to. I am asking for advice on what to say, as I want to be honest with her but I also need help protecting myself and not just feeding into her bc I know a lot of this isn’t fair to myself either! Any advice on how to approach this? Some common things she asks are: - If you love me why can’t that be enough? - Why are you sad all the time? - Why can’t you control your emotions? - Will OCD ever end? - I don’t know if I can stay in this relationship if OCD doesn’t get better

Felt like I’ve lost my attraction to men 😔 Ik I have my Icks to some and haven’t been treated right from past relationships, just needed to remember that I just haven’t found one that’s good enough for me to be with. Yet I’m backed up by thoughts that I’ve lost my attraction to them cause of those reasons.