Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I have a ocd obsession that I know no one else has and it’s seriously terrifying. The “you’re not alone” is a bunch of bs and I know that now Bc of this. Anyone else have one that not many others have?😭

Im curious about others experience, am aware this might be a compulsion, but i still think to recover from ocd you need to understand ocd. I recovered from other types of ocd cause i realized whats the pattern. So how bad yall suicidal ocd become? Mine was like i couldnt sleep, i had the thoughts in my mind all night, it was like i desperately wanted it, to escape from pain but the same time i felt so much guilt for it and i was afraid asf... i had that "theres something wrong with me, im in danger, i need help asp(thats why i dont like if people ask us do you feel like you are in danger...like i have ocd ofcourse i do...) But i cant move on from that, that it comes up when i stress out myself, i want to escape from the thoughts and i think "i want to die" this sounds like a real one. I even got there that it gave me a intrusive happiness or calmness feeling which made me afraid then that im in danger. So i cant tell it, i have guilt,.my mind constantly tell me im avoiding cause my therapist said im not in danger but i do want to escape from the pain(doesnt that makes me suicidal?) and i dont want to believe that cause it makes me feel bad about myself but my mind says i deny it thats why...I had this "escape from the thoughts" situation too when i had a "whats the point if we just suffer" thought, and these felt so real...

So this is the scenario: Yesterday at work I passed by a customer that was wearing shorts, he had what looked like a scab/other sort of "wound" on his knee/calf area. Of course, my anxiety spikes at just SEEING this and brain immediately goes, "did we touch that/him". I fire back, "no brain, we do not make a habit of touching people PERIOD, much less their legs/knees/wounds. Plus I was walking by him, dragging a stock cart." Took awhile to get that message through, but I did. As I was calming down, brain goes, "did the garbage bag tied to your cart touch him? It touched your clothes/pants, and now when you walk home your clothes and purse will touch. You need to disinfect your purse or you will get hep C. Etc etc..." It was so close to the end of my shift I couldn't fight it, so I used the bleach spray on my purse and watch when I got home. Then cleaned the bathroom sink/cabinets/counter. I had closed the zipper on the pocket where my wallet is before leaving work but I didn't disinfect my wallet/inside that pocket or my belt. I thought about it and kind of poked my wallet while doing the rest... Brain insists that my wallet/possibly belt are contaminated with hep C virus/that dude's blood and I don't think so. I am OK with using my wallet, but... "You will spread the contamination through your house and while you might not get it from this, you are putting your mother at risk." I can't really even do my usual "tell/warn her" after I use the wallet (to pay bills/get stuff at work/etc) because I KNOW this is stupid and based on a "what if" that feels like it was an intrusive thought. I haven't used the wallet yet and this is honestly killing me inside. I know logically this chain of "contamination" is ridiculous, IF the bag thing even happened, IF that dude was even bleeding at all, IF he is even infected... I have ample information on transmission from my doctor and even several health units and this doesn't fit what they told me and yet... Sigh. I don't know anymore. I thought I had a better handle on this, because now this blows my whole method out the window. It'll pass eventually I know, but I feel like I am starting at square one, despite what I've learned. Thanks for reading.

Its ruining my life but not only mine but my loved ones as well I feel bad for my family. I am beyond exhausted with my life. I moved to a different city and thought that would help but it didn't. I've been called names, means looks, property damaged, people are afraid to be near me, you name it and its happened to me. I've dealt with this for so long I feel there's no hope for me anyway. Like my brain was rewired and then the wires were cut. Like this is just the way its gonna be end of story.

Adults only please. Boyfriend has been getting on my nerves this week and has not been considerate at all when it comes to my triggers. He calls my ocd "anxiety" with air quotes. He is angry and mean one second and anxious and crying for me the next. I told my therapist today about some of my issues and we talked about some ways to cope if anything happened over the weekend. Earlier today I was messaging someone on Facebook, who initially messaged me with OCD questions/concerns. I was talking to them for a while, and deeply empathizing with this person I met today. Earlier, bf said a few passive aggressive things, but I did not react, per my agreement with my therapist today. Eventually bf goes into our bedroom and is by himself for a while. I got up to use the bathroom, and I assume he heard me as he called my name. I went into the bedroom and he said in a weird tone "can we have a quickie?" I said no. He asked why and I said I didn't have to give a reason why, per therapist's recommendations. He followed me out to the living room and sat down next to me and started talking about how he is "starting to realize what [he] really wants in a relationship..." and starts saying break-upy things. I tried not to let him affect my anxiety. I told him I was uncomfortable and told him I wanted to be alone. He said he wouldn't leave so I went into the bedroom, closed the door and texted my therapist. He came into the bedroom (we agreed 3 days ago that after i become upset, I will come to him when i am ready to talk) and sat super close to me on the bed. I tilt my phone away from him, because I'm texting my therapist about him, and he starts asking what app I'm on and getting nosey. I told him I was texting my therapist and I was getting all anxious because I was expecting confrontation or accusations about who I was talking to, since I sensed jealousy earlier when talking to OCD facebook person. I started crying and asking him to go away and he wouldnt. I came back out to the living room and put headphones on and ignored him as he proceeded to tap me and stare at me and yell over the headphones. Eventually, he turned off the internet (I assume, because the internet "magically" shut off last time we argued) so I connected to my phone's hot spot. Then, he put his hand out asking for his controller back (I was holding ps5 controller). I didn't hand it to him, per my therapist's recommendations. He went over to the playstation and turned it off. At this point my hydroxyzine is kicking in and I'm calming down. He left the apartment for a few minutes and a minute or two after he got back, I calmly explained to him that it is not a good time to have this kind of conversation, because I am upset and I expressed that at the beginning of this conversation. I was able to calmly communicate a few things before I shut down. He started saying that my behavior was "creepy" and made faces at me as if he were judging me. I was clearly on the verge of a panic attack and he did not help. I did say some impulsive things, but my therapist and I agreed earlier today that if I ask someone to leave me alone, and they persist until I'm at that point, then it is not my fault for being pushed past that point. So I don't want to write this as if I'm completely innocent, because I know I am not. I tried to write this as objectively as possible. Is this abusive behavior on his part?

TW: appearance/attraction I know I should probably try to figure this out myself but I just had therapy and I am just now accepting that I don’t find my boyfriend’s body very good looking when he’s shirtless and that that’s a fact. I have been kind of not accepting it and telling myself that I only feel that way sometimes but basically I feel like I need to tell him now that I am accepting is as a fact, especially because that was an issue at the beginning of our relationship where he didn’t feel like I was sexually attracted to him. I love him very much and I think he’s hot and cute and attractive but specifically his torso shirtless I don’t find attractive really. I know this would be so hurtful for him to hear especially because I had told him long ago that no I wasn’t not sexually attracted to him but that his body wasn’t my type and I told him I grew more attracted to him as my feelings grew (which is true) but if I still think that he doesn’t look good without a shirt on it feels so abnormal and wrong. I know I can still be in an emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship but what I’m really worried about is it feels like I’m keeping this massive secret from him now. And I really don’t want to tell him because I don’t want to make him insecure and I know it will make things feel off between us and I would feel so horrible if he felt that way about me so I don’t want to tell him. So I don’t know what to do, it makes me really sad to accept this as a truth. And my therapist told me I’ll have to decide if I want to tell him or not and that it’s a moral issue that I need to decide for myself basically. But even though my therapist said it’s okay to feel that way, I think they seemed like they actually thought it was a problem when I asked if it’s okay for the baseline to be not thinking his body looks very good. I’m just sad I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend. And I know I shouldn’t reach out for advice from people online because it has to be my decision but I feel desperate.

In 2020 I had an episode of psychosis because my ocd was so severe. I can’t/couldn’t pick apart intrusive thoughts from reality and I didn’t understand what was happening to me at the time. I live with so much guilt over what I did during psychosis and while I understand my “reasonings” for things, how I was pushed over the edge, I live with the constant fear of judgement and condemnation from those I love if they ever found out. I am on the way to get medicated again, and I’m starting sessions with NOCD again. But I feel like… I’m breaking apart here. I look in the mirror and I realize that there isn’t any running from who I am. There isn’t a magical cure to make me someone else, I will always have to live with this shame of even being in psychosis in the first place. I believe in God but it’s hard to even sit with myself. I’m safe, I’m just severely depressed. I’m looking for hope and it seems like everyday this disorder just gets a little stronger. It’s slowly chipping away at me. I want to get my life back, have a job, a healthy relationship, but I’m so ashamed and sad… guilty for having lost reality like I did. I’m not looking for reassurance, but encouragement. Am I the only one?

I have somatic OCD that revolves around my breathing. Ive been struggling with it for a good amount of time now. I came to the realization today about it and my anixety. I thought id share some advice that really help put things into perspective for me. Do not take these as set in stone or medical advice. Please consult with your therapist about these to make sure none of these will harm your work on your journey to healing. • Keep your head up. - Easier said then done but the more you try to find the silver lining in anything the more hope and drive youll have. You are getting better each and everyday even if you back slide. Just think of the journey and what youre achieving. You will have struggles but its not the end of the world. • Dont focus on getting rid of your OCD! - Focus on working with your therapist to find triggers and complusions so you can do effective ERP. • Dont focus on your anxiety. - Thats a hard one especially because it causes so much discomfort to the point of pain sometimes. Find ways to sit with it. One of my ways is to try and focus on relaxing all the muscles in my body so i dont tense up. It keeps me from fighting it which is what you dont want to do. *Remember this is a natural body response to a stressor. So let your body do its natural response. • Write stuff down. - I write stuff down so i can talk to my therapist about it later and it really helps me get all of my fragmented thoughts into a clear and concise thought. • Do your ERP Exercises! - One of the biggest things i can say is do your exercises. Seriously, talk to your therapist about when and where you should do them. Then commit to it otherwise you wont get better! • Dont overthink your OCD. - You start to over think it by paying attention to it, paying attention to the thoughts and then you start to ruminate. Dont give those thoughts any value by giving it another thought. • Even if you dont feel like it, go be spontaneous and also do things you love to do. - anxiety and ocd both love ridgid rule following schedules (according to another therapist ive talked with). So go out and make it confused by enjoying your life! • Becoming okay with Uncertainty. - I know it sounds scary and it is (im still a bit scared myself) but you have to be okay with the uncertainty of what could happen with your OCD and anxiety. The brain needs to become ok with the uncertain possibilities around whatever it is youre brain is fixated on. • Dont seek reassurance on your OCD. - i get it we are trained to make others feel better and to feel better ourselves by asking people "i am i going to be okay?" or telling people "you got this, you can beat it and you dont have anything to worry about". Dont do it, it will only make things worse. Going back to uncertainty, you need to just let yourself not be sure and live your life, even if in that moment it's hard. • Finally, just let it be. - wierd to think of and say right. Just let your ocd be. Like in one of the above points, once you give value to it and to the thoughts, it likes to dig its claws into you and not let go. If you just let it be and stop caring about it (goes back to the uncertainty point and overthinking it) it starts to fade away from viewand becomes less threatening. You just acknowledge its there, like yep okay i noticed the thought and then just try to productively think about something else or focus on what you need to do or are in the act of doing at this moment like cleaning or showering. You arent distracting yourself (which can be a complusion and unhealthy, talk to your therapist about it to get a better understand of how to safely and healthily shift your focus) but rather just trying to live your life and do what needs to be done. I hope this helps anyone struggling with their OCD and anxiety. Again talk to your OCD specialist/therapist about any of these things above before you try them yourself. Some things wont work for everyone.

I am in a state of recovery where u feel like I am qualified to portray this message. Keep on going. Keep working on yourself. My ocd has told me all sorts of things. That I am a horrible person, that I don’t deserve to live. It changed me, I am a different person now, and even though that is scary, that doesn’t mean it is bad. I am so much stronger then before, I have adapted and learned to love myself. We just have to be patient with ourselves. I have been in places where I felt like I would never recover. I have got rock bottom multiple times, but now I am here telling you you can do it. Recovery seems so large because it looks impossible from our point of view. So I decided to not look at it as a whole. I took it day by day. What can I do today that will help me now and in the future. My advice is to talk. Get a therapist if you can’t talk to someone you trust. Write down your thoughts in a book. The whole point is not not get rid of ocd, but learn how to live with it, so it stops being a burden. Hearing that when I was struggling made me feel like there was no hope, which is not true. Ocd is a part of us weather we like it or not. We only have one life, mind as well make the most of it. When I was in dark places I thought there was no point. That is okay, just do one more day. Think of the things you love. Your loved ones, they need you. Your future loved ones, they need you. Even if you have the worst thoughts imaginable and you fully believe them, I don’t care. You deserve happiness and love, and you will get it. In recovery, you learn about your brain, you will learn how to adapt and how to keep on going. You learn maybe why you have these thoughts, why they effect you so, and what you need to change in your life to help you. You learn what your brain needs. And that is the most important thing to have, as it will help you throughout life. If I read this while I was struggling I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Let me tell you it happens over time. You are in a state of constant learning and adapting, soon enough you will figure it out. Don’t force yourself, don’t put so much pressure for recovery to be perfect. It never really is. I still have moments where I feel scared, but they are far and few between because I understand what I need. Life is so beautiful and it sucks that we have such a blinder on to it because of ocd. Well fuck this illness. You deserve control. You deserve happiness. And a mental illness should never keep you from living a wonderful life. You will get there. And I know you are tired, but it is so worth it. Be patient with yourself. If you need a break take one! Sleep in. Do self care. Whatever you need. You can do this. Sometimes we have to accept that things are going to be hard, but they will get better. I read somewhere that people more often are inspired to do something when somone says “fuck it” rather then “you can do it” because they accept that it can go wrong but they do it anyway because the meaning of it stays they same. So fuck it. What have you got to lose by trying. What are you wining by doing?

Scared I lost feelings for bf. I don’t want to. It’s hard to feel excited. I get more rocd thoughts abt exs and whatnot that come with feelings of tightness in my chest. I’m so scared. I feel relationship is over. I told my bf I’m scared I’m losing feelings. A lot of this happened after he hurt my feelings really bad. I use to feel extreme feelings. But it’s hard now. I know I love my bf. I feel so guilty. I also have dreams of me doing not good things. My ocd got better then this happened. I feel so sad. I don’t even feel excited to do things w him. I’m just so numb to everything. Please help

Are there any moms out there who are struggling with pocd? I wanted a child my whole life since I was a little girl but pocd is ruining everything. Can anyone share their story?

I am having a rough patch with my ocd, well, that's to say that it's been better.. I have never gotten treatment for the ocd, because unfortunately in comparison to my other MH diagnosis (PTSD, Panic Disorder and Bulemia) It doesn't take precedent and my former psych doctor wanted to treat the ocd as more of "symptom" of my other disorders (yeah ok doc bc obsessively cleaning my feet while reciting a mantra about my boyfriend continuing to love me in the shower everytime I get in is not ocd, your right.) I have since stayed away from treatment, because hearing that the thing that probably causes me the most distress is on the back of the platter is something I couldn't deal with. I am struggling. Like I'm really really struggling. My Boyfriend is going on trip for three weeks, I am also going on a 5 day vacation with my mom. I keep having a thought pattern that I'll have something bad happen or he will have something bad happen during this trip. Hence why I'm making my first post on nocd. I don't know what to do. It's so discouraging because I just wanna be happy for him and excited for my vacation and continue to pray for us but I'm just crying and freaking out about these intrusive thought patterns. I wish I had a way to deal with these thoughts. I wish I had a way to deal with the compulsions. I haven't ever had treatment for ocd and I just wanna get better. I have 4 diagnosis and this is the one that brings me the most stress. I have so many compulsions that I do daily, that are something I have to do everytime I do a mundane task like leaving the bathroom or putting a show on my TV or walking into my home. It even effects the way I pray which really aucks because God is one of the few sources of peace I have in this whole array of MH diagnosis and I can't even talk to him without this ocd thing impacting it. Like I'll be afraid if I don't pray the same way say the same things the same amount of times that something bad will happen. The uncomfortablilty of thinking something awful will happen if I don't is too much. I have intrusive thoughts that if I don't comply with my compulsions someone will get hurt, or that evil things (like demons or ghosts or spirits) will try to get me or come for me. I have intrusive thoughts that because I tried to previously fight these compulsions that bad things have already happened (like I'll blame my previous misfortunes that I do know have nothing to do with it on my failure to complete a compulsions.) I am even having compulsions about the way I'm typing this post. I am so so exhausted. I just needed to vent in a safe space. I want to get help, and I will. I just want to figure out where to go. I want in person therapy I know that. So, that's for reading this yall. I'm praying for you. I really am.

Hey guys - So I just had a pretty significant setback in my OCD journey, and in the attempt to make light of it I’m going to share what I learned, in the hopes that it will help some of you. OCD is theorized to have something to do with a serotonin deficiency in the brain. So, naturally, I started doing a few different things to help with that naturally. I’d say the biggest thing that impacted my OCD spiral was stopping my gratitude journal practice. This has the BIGGEST effect on my journey. Being able to take stock of the things that were going well allowed me to break out of the endless loop that is OCD. If you think about OCD in terms of an endless, cyclical train track of anxiety and fear, well the best thing to do is to get off of that train track by CREATING another one - one of gratitude, love, and peace. What helped me was making a list every day of all of the good things in my life, and really feeling the implications of my blessings, believing that I was worthy of those things. The OCD will always be there, wanting to grab you, at least right now. It’s worth shifting your focus to something else. Maintaining healthy attachment - This is very important to OCD recovery. As Michael Greenberg talks about in his articles, oftentimes obsessions are a result of a person not being able to express a healthy and natural feeling, one that their psyche has deemed unsafe. For example, worrying you might want to harm a loved one might be indicative of an underlying anger you have towards them, a healthy anger that we may feel even towards those we love - but for some reason, you’re not letting yourself feel that anger because maybe you were shamed for expressing emotions like that as a child. I’ll attach the article here - it’s so good. He’s got all of these worksheets on there too that really help you find your core fear. Anyways, I know this sounds crazy right? Why would attachment have anything to do with my OCD? Healthy attachment to others allows us to express emotions in a safe way - and not having that can cause things to become repressed, or our brains to try and distract us from them, with an anxiety spiral. Making sure you are setting boundaries, expressing your needs, crying when you need to, expressing your need for love when you can - are all ways to reinforce YOU. Not the obsessional, OCD part of you - but the beautiful person underneath all of that with needs and desires and a need for connection. Look at your life - How much love are you experiencing on a daily basis? Love is crucial for the chemical of serotonin in our brains - and feeling connected to people actually increases those chemicals in your brain - which you need, especially with OCD. How many heartfelt conversations have you had recently? Is there a way you could have one? Is there someone you could ask for a hug right now, or an animal you can pet? Are you making yourself feel loved? Are you around people that make you anxious, because you can tell they are repressing their emotions and you feel like you need to take care of their emotions? Are you able to be honest and truthful about your feelings and needs? Meditation is also a really good one - it’s going to help mentally train you to watch thoughts go by, and be able to direct your attention to what YOU want to. I’m going to attach all of the articles that have helped me from Michael Greenberg - especially the ones on rumination. Think about what ruminating does to your brain - constantly going in that cycle of anxiety and trying to figure something out - in the past or future - think about what that would do to your brain chemistry. Our ruminations are not often ones of how much we are loved or how grateful we are - they are a fear loop, over and over again. No wonder your brain is devoid of serotonin! Now it’s just about rebalancing that - and to conclude, here’s a list to help: Increase the presence of love in your life, as possible Daily gratitude practice to start rewiring your brain to focus on that instead Reduce rumination and eliminate it as possible Work on your attachment style - Personal Development School has great videos on this, read the book “Attached”. Here are the articles: https://drmichaeljgreenberg.com/articles/ There’s some great articles about rumination, the psychodynamics underlying your OCD - I’d recommend reading all of those he has listed. Hope this helps at all! Stay strong guys. :)

Does anyone ever have compulsions that backfire ? I was testing myself and it seems like I want the thoughts !!

Hey guys, I’ve struggled pretty bad with anxiety the past few years due to circumstances in my life (deaths, financial struggles, family issues). Growing up, it felt like my life was normal and nothing really bad happened, so I had no worries. It seems like a lot more struggles have gained during adulthood, and these things have compounded and really hurt my mental health. I worry about how something will go wrong as a way to mentally prepare myself if something bad does happen. I’ve felt like anxiety has been a problem for me, but something got worse in me the past week and I feel like I might have OCD. I’ve been having these awful sexual intrusive thoughts that have never crossed my mind. I know this is not me and something I would never do, but the fact that this thought popped in my head has sent me into a spiral. It seems like the fact that I’m so stressed about it causes this thought to continuously come back, a never ending cycle. I can’t even enjoy myself lately because if I just sit down relaxing, it seems like the thoughts just come back. I’m at a point where I look forward to sleeping at night because my brain is turned off. I’ve never even considered therapy in my life, but these thoughts are messing with me so bad that I feel like I need to consider it. I know these thoughts aren’t me, but there’s a small voice in my head that keeps saying "what if” and I just can’t seem to shake it. I feel really isolated because I’m the type of person who can’t hold things in and need to get them off my chest. But if I got these things off my chest, then it would severely damage my relationships with a lot of people, especially my family. There are some things they just do not need to know, especially if it involves them or someone they love. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a few really big and stressful life events (like a family member having a big surgery, an important dr’s appointment for someone else) and I was really stressing and anxious about these things in the weeks leading up to it, which I feel is normal. The great news is that everything went well on all fronts, so I should be relieved and usually I would be. But all of a sudden, these intrusive thoughts have taken over and I can’t enjoy myself or how good things are in my life right now. Idk the point of me typing all of this, I guess it just feels like a tiny bit of relief to put this out there for others to read since I don’t feel comfortable talking about this with people I know. I truly hope this gets better and these thoughts can eventually go away and allow me to live my life. I can’t live like this for a long period of time, so something has to be done. I used to be able to brush off an intrusive thought as "oh, that was weird” and move on without dwelling on it. But now all of a sudden, I can’t do that. I have a new respect for people who suffer from OCD, depression, and anxiety and I truly hope and pray that anyone reading this will be able to concur whatever battles they’re facing.

Just as the title asks. Feels like the only "joy" I feel comes from my intrusive thoughts, which is nonsense.

i'm so curious. if we are all sharing we have similar issues and can relate to eschother; why isn't it more comforting to me knowing that it is ocd? everyone tells me so and i can relate to you guys? so why is it so hard for us, i'm just wondering ? like it is so hard to accept as ocd but i really need to accept it as that so my brain recognizes it and eventually it should get less and less occurring has anyone heard of the term "hungry ghost"???! i've had that prob in general always needing somethinf to satisfy me, a lot of people do it but i find it particularly intense with ocd bc when i tell my self it's ocd i can become calm after a while but i'm like then what??'i want a distraction, i want satisfaction, i want to so something to satisfy me but i cannot go through life that way and if my ocd is going to go away it needs to be the right way and my hungry ghost needs to be put to an end you know?

Who here has magical thinking? Mines got to do with numbers. For example specific times of the day, dates, etc. How do you manage?

I was reading through a 'straight OCD' article and it highlighted the difference between having the disorder and being in denial. It said: "When someone is in denial, they avoid thinking about a problem, try to justify their behavior, or deny the presence of a problem." Even if I have all the OCD symptoms, I do exactly this. When I see an attractive guy, I tell myself I'm not actually attracted in attempt to reassure myself that I am lesbian. I try to stop thinking about guys. I try to tell myself it's just aesthetic attraction and there is no need to think the way I do. After reading, I'm thinking I could just be bisexual. There's nothing wrong with that, I know. Im having a moment where I'm not crying in fear over the possibility of being bi and learning to accept that I might actually be bisexual. But when I snap out of my mind and feel disconnected from my thoughts, its blatantly obvious I'm not. I'm afraid of identifying as bisexual and then becoming paranoid about if I'm 'actually a lesbian'. It's all super confusing. I'm clearly gay, but at the same time, there's so much that could suggest otherwise, so surely it's just logical to identify as bi and learn that I'm still valid as gay/wow? It's not because I've been with guys and it was a huge turn off. I think I went too far down the rabbit hole, and just want to identify as gay, and that I dont like men. But the fear of being wrong is rooted deeply in it.And when you're wrong, it usually upsets other people, which is an even bigger fear of mine. Guys dont appeal to me, they do aesthetically and in a 'squish' (platonic crush) way, but as soon as romance comes in? Ew, please. This is my problem. I just cant accept what's right in fear that it could be wrong. I need to get this off of my chest and speak to a professional, but unfortunately my circumstances changed and I just cant have NOCD therapy (I can, but my grandparents would hear everything and I'm very uncomfy with that scenario). I could just keep writing and writing, really. I like having 'calm OCD' moments, where I can think about my situation without stress. I could be bisexual, abrosexual, or even straight, or even trans! Identifying as lesbian is such a secure identity and that is intimidating to me, as much as I love having specific labels. Yeah, rant over before I write my night away, lol!

Lately my SO-OCD latches on to the things I did or paid attention to as a child. I don’t remember having a celebrity crush until I was like 11 or 12 and I was kind of choosey about it. I was super boy crazy for boys I knew and boys my age, but my brain ignores that a lot. It also latches on to how as I child I paid a lot of attention to women in movies more, especially how their bodies looked. I always wanted boobs, so I have memories of times where I was hyperfixating on chests in movies and the media and my OCD is telling me it was because it turned me on a kid. Makes me feel weird and confused. I struggled with this theme as a young child, and didn’t struggle with it until the beginning of this year and it’s been hard to shake. If anyone feels similarly I’d like to hear what your childhood experience with this is like, or at the very least bring some more awareness to how this theme can mess with your head and make you question your memories.