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the NOCD Community

What’s the point of it all if your never able to be happy because your in constant fear? It’s very hard not to be depressed, there is literally nothing I like about myself, the constant swarm of anxious thoughts leaves me so irritable and frustrated, I’m not the person I want to be at all. I have no one, I talk to no one about my fears because it’s so misunderstood. The only person I reach out to is my partner and I think he’s honestly tired of hearing it, and doesn’t know what to do to help. I feel like I’m doing more harm then good, I have a 6 month old and all I’ve ever wanted to be is a mother but I can’t help but feel disconnected from him mostly because my theme revolves around him and it’s hard to be with him and not feel so triggered. Sad is an understatement, I feel so stuck and hopeless and worn out. All I want is to lay in bed forever and cry but being a mother I don’t have time for that so I push on always feeling this weight, and always feeling overwhelmed. I want so badly for things to get better 😞

I just had an appointment with my therapist who specializes in ERP and I’m so scared to start. My general anxiety and thoughts are the fear that I find teenagers attractive and therefore might do something inappropriate with them. I’m a 23 year old gay man and I don’t want this to be my life. My therapist and I just planned my first set of exposures, which is going to involve looking at a photo of an attractive teenager and agree with the thoughts that I am attracted to them. I am so so scared though because I don’t want to be okay with these thoughts. While I do admit that I think some teens are attractive (even admitting that makes me feel gross) I don’t want to allow myself to be this creep who looks at teenagers. I wish this wasn’t my life. I’m so scared that this experience is going to make me realize that I’m a creep who is attracted to the wrong age group and will need to live with this deep shame. I’m so scared of being attracted to them because I worry that maybe I’ll lose impulse control one day and I’ll do something stupid and hook up with someone I shouldn’t with. Does anyone have advice on starting ERP. I’m so scared and that I’ll find out things about myself that I don’t want to.

I've always told myself I didn't have contamination OCD but I've been so wrong. My whole life I've had reoccurring themes of being convinced I've been sick or infested with something for example when I was diagnosed with tourettes, I was CONVINCED I had a brain tumor and still did not believe my doctor after seeing the MRI results and him telling me again and again that it was obsessive compulsive disorder that I was dealing with. Recently I've been terrified that I've been infested with BUGS. At first I thought it was lice. I spent a whole work day (6 hours) ignoring my work and looking up pictures of lice and cures for it. So scared. I panicked and made my coparent check our daughter and he insisted she was OKAY. I wanted to cry. And then I made my coworker check me and she tried to comfort me telling me to calm down it was okay. Now it's bed bugs because I got bit by a mosquito a few times (I live in the midwest) and I'm trying to resist urges to do the same thing. I was almost late today because I could stop looking up bed bugs and checking my bed out of fear of them. I hate this. It ruins my life. It takes so many hours out of my day. So much joy from me. I can't be present out of fear that I'm being harmed and infested or something is wrong and attacking me from the inside or outside. I don't know how to not give in to the urges. HELP.

Im constantly looking for reassurance online and to see if I can beat these intrusive thoughts or if I'm stuck with them forever. I always seem to find lots of different answers some being positive success stories and then some negative ones which then make me lose hope . I've definitely been doing some erp as I laugh off the thoughts in my head and expose what ever the thought might be but I get scared thinking for how long am I going to be doing this and when will the thoughts not enter my head anymore so I can live a normal life and be the happy joker that I was . My intrusive thoughts are often around my children and they can be sexual or violent . I know I wouldn't ever hurt my children in anyway but it makes me angry just having the thoughts .

I don’t hear much about bisexual people having SO OCD, it tends to be people thinking they are gay when they are straight or vice versa. Any other bisexual people suffering with sexual orientation OCD? I also have Relationship OCD. I have a history of other subsets of OCD since 7, including Harm OCD and fear of germs, dying, contracting HIV etc. I don’t have those subsets anymore. I find ROCD and SO OCD especially hard as they are more ambiguous subsets in the sense relationship doubts can be normal and sexuality, i believe, is on a spectrum and more fluid. Feeling really alone with this. All day everyday my gut is a ball of anxiety and I feel sick, it’s relentless and never goes. Thinking of you fellow sufferers and wishing the best for you ❤️

Ever since I was young I haven't been able to process my own emotions, nor come to terms with it. As a result, I always think my feelings are invalid and that I'm being dramatic. One of the things this has messed with me about is my overwhelming fear of (mostly) natural disasters. Zombie apocalypse's, volcanos, sun flares, meteors, nukes, wars, etc. I have such a feeling of dread that I would never get to live my life of any of that would happen, and then I start to believe it will and end up in a rabbit hole before anxiety attacks. I get so freaked out by these small thoughts in the back of my head that once I hear one it's like a chain reaction of feedback. One speaker after another blaring the same awful sentence into my mind and it's just not fun. I was mostly wondering if anyone else had felt this way or if I'm just strange. I haven't found a way to cope with this and was wondering if anyone has had similar experiences and found a way to deal with it. Any help would be appreciated. I'm rapidly losing sleep over these thoughts.

My family brought me to watch a new movie about sex trafficking and I just knew it was gonna trigger me so I said I didn’t want to go anymore and they got mad at me and forced me to go. They know what I’m going through and how hard it’s been and I’ve done my best to explain it to them yet they still brought me to watch it. As the movie started playing it immediately triggered me so I closed my eyes and started crying because I could just hear what was going on and it kept taking about the p words and kids and I couldn’t take it anymore so I had to leave. My sister let me take her car home but now I’m here by myself and I really just want to die. It’s been almost a whole year and I am still thinking and feeling the same. I think I’ve gotten better but that just ruined me. I just want to be gone already. It’s been long enough and nobody understands my pain. I know I won’t kill myself because I’m too scared but I desperately want to just be dead. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend.

What would a neurotypical person think of this? 😅 cuz I’m trying to figure out what’s “normal” and need advice. Sitch: My boyfriend has a female coworker who seemed friendly but turned weirdly cold and rude in the following hang out sessions. She’d take my boyfriends phone when he was showing a picture and not show it to me (when I was sitting next to her) and then she made an odd comment about how she didn’t think I’d last all night partying as if I wasn’t there (again talking about me when I’m next to her). I brought this up to my boyfriend and he said he doesn’t know what to do, he sees her like a sister, and it doesn’t matter what she thinks. But I’m really bothered by it and I’m afraid my OCD is right this time and she/they are doing something sketchy. Am I off base in feeling hurt by her actions and then hurt that he doesn’t seem to think less of her? I’d really love advice.

In much need of some advice. What’s the best thing to do when your feeling anxiety from a groinal response that you already made peace with. I already know I’m not into those things surrounding the groinal response because there is no desire or attraction to those things. When the response occurred it never escalated to anything sexual and it was just all bad timing. Even though I know these facts and know the truth that there was no sexual desire feelings or attraction to those things. Parts of my mind still feels bothered by it. In this case do I just live with the anxiety until it disappears. I already addressed this whole thing and laid it out for my mind to understand the truth but yet that part of my mind does not want to let it go. Do I just carry on with my life knowing the truth and just deal with anxiety. Any advice would be helpful Thanks in advance

I'm really sad with how porn messed me up so badly mentally. I have low self esteem, all I do is worry, OCD is such a problem, and I feel like I'm a criminal. I keep ruminating on a search I made two years ago that proved how much of an issue this is for me for many years. It was a search on an adult site that contained the words "lil sis" and I didn't look at it this way now because I doubt my intention was to ever see children at all. I would never want to do that, ever. But after the relapse I just broke down crying because of how much of a hold this addiction has on me. The worries came up after the fact and I just hate that this happened at all. I didn't get an inappropriate video moral wise but I just worry about how much damage this has caused. I often worry about the horrible things I've seen and looked up and today I'm still struggling with this and by accident I'm still seeing things that I'm very disturbed by.

So im 20 and I’m the assistant manager at my job, I constantly work with customers and I struggle with my role and a manager. I constantly feel like I’m less than and like I can never be good enough which is why I need constant reassurance. It replays in my head over and over like a broken record “you’re a failure” “not good enough” “you don’t deserve this role” to the point where I have to take a 10 to calm myself down. It’s exhausting, KNOWING I deserve this role but THINKING I’ll never be good enough. Anybody else struggle with this at work ?

I have currently starting dating a lovely woman. Everything about her is perfect except that she is not my usual ‘type’. She does not have the usual long hair and ultra femme style that I usually go for. I am worried that she is not attractive enough and I hate myself for even thinking that. (She is cute as a button, just not the adrenaline rush I am used to) I worry that I am not going to be as into her as she is into me. I am petrified of hurting her. Since I now know the tricks my mind plays, I have continued to see her, because she’s wonderful and I want so much to make it work with her. I just can’t shake the fear that I am going to hurt her and I that it’s my responsibility to protect her from that. Even though I KNOW that I DON’T KNOW how it will turn out. Words of encouragement are appreciated. Thank you!

My symptoms come in massive waves. I waffle between feeling like a monster and feeling mostly okay. ERP strategies didn't alleviate it for me. During an episode, it makes me feel worse, and outside of an episode, it's mostly meaningless. Anyways, has anyone had any success with this kind of feeling? Not sure what medication discussion rules are here, but I am wondering if I need Xanax or something like that.

So years ago when I was a teenager there was a point in time where I watched pornography that had to do with animals and people. There were also a few times throughout my teenage years where I tried things out of curiosity and while I was watching this type of porn I had some desire/urge to try stuff but I never did. Then it stopped. I was probably 16 and stopped. It’s been almost 4 years since I watched that stuff or did anything, and I never even thought about it. Then OCD hit. And I ruminated about all those things I watched did. It always filled me with anxiety and disgust. Then yesterday I remembered an image I saw when watching that and got an erection. It was accompanied with anxiety but it felt as if I wanted to search it up or do it. Now all day today I’ve had horrible anxiety accompanied with that urge. Is this OCD or should I look into therapy for paraphilia?

Sometimes I feel like I'm just shamelessly confessing horrible things instead of dealing with my OCD. I'm sorry it's just another one of those times where I feel like I've been on this app too much. I see things that people post and it makes me feel bad. I don't want to be one of those people who admit to horrible things just to admit them because I do feel a lot of shame. But I feel if I let it go then I can move on from it. I feel like I'm a bad person sometimes. I want to get better I really do.

I get scared that what if i'm just in denial and can't accept the truth. Like, yea I could still have OCD too but what if the POCD is just me in denial, I could still have both disorders. I'm sure there are p words (I hate this word) out there who also have OCD. I don't even know exactly what triggered this and how it manifested. I mean I sort of have an idea but it doesn't feel like the exact pin point. I don't want to be that. I think the scariest part about having a disorder like that is that it's unfixable and you just have to live with it even if you don't want it. You didn't ask to be made that way you're just written like that. By god? It could be anyone. Another scary thought is that that was a child once, that was someone's baby, and they grew up to be a failure, a horrible human being. I hope I don't come off as sympathizing with these people, I hate them the most and they disgust me, growing up as a girl in an unsafe area like where I live im surrounded by those type of people a lot so I'm just constantly alarmed and hyper aware of situations, and I have "what if" thoughts about the men in my life (family, teachers, even male therapists) but now that fear has manifested to ME being the creep. it's just scary being born that way. And you can't do anything about it, even if you do get help, you're always gonna be stained.

I'm going through fertility treatments with my partner and it is a huge stressor. At the beginning of all this (with the help of hormones), I started having obsessive thoughts and fears about being a lesbian. For context, I have never had romantic feelings for a woman, grew up in a family that would have been totally accepting if I did, have always just lightheartedly accepted that sometimes I'm attracted to people who aren't men, and gone on my merry way. I thought I was totally ok with the fact that sexuality is a continuum, I have several close friends who are gay, blah blah blah. And then this! Out of left field. I started worrying I have been living a lie my entire life. I'm repressed, I don't know myself, I will have to leave everything (a wonderful partner I love, our plans to try and have a child...). What if I get pregnant and then we break up because I fall in love with a woman... and on and on. I was doing all the checking, rewriting past friendships with women, over-analyzing, judging appearance of self and others, etc. etc. I just thought I must be experiencing extreme anxiety (true), but I stumbled upon a list of OCD symptoms when searching for anxiety meds that could help with rumination and "obsessing about sexual orientation" was on there and eventually Google lead me here and to other reputable sites explaining SO-OCD. I cried from relief! This is a THING! Oh my goodness, I have never felt so seen and relieved. So I thought I should post and say thanks for sharing your struggles! I certainly have always had a tendency to over-analyze and cling to thoughts. To ruminate, etc. I just never really thought about it as OCD. I also do very minor counting behaviors, etc. that don't affect my daily life. It's never really been an issue up to now. I think the stress I'm going through right now (the "permanence" of trying to become a parent, committing to my relationship with my partner *at least* enough to want to co-parent, and ideally to spend the rest of our lives together) triggered an intense episode unlike anything I've experienced before. We have very little control over how this process will go (like most things in life) and I am having a LOT of trouble accepting that. My obsessive thoughts have basically completely stopped since yesterday when I had this "eureka" moment. I'm sure they'll come back, or new ones will make an appearance. But I'm feeling much more positive about my ability to cling less and move forward.

Please help I struggle with harm Ocd. It’s directed towards my son. I feel like I’m going insane. I’m scared!! I’ve been throwing up all week. I use to see a therapist but I no longer can because I don’t have the financial resources. I don’t know how to cope, I feel lost!! Any going through this? Has any gone throw this and feel ok now?

Hi everyone, I started taking 25mg of anafranil daily last week. Surprisingly, I’ve already noticed a slight improvement in my mood and intrusive thoughts-they’re still there from time to time, but they feel quieter. However, I am feeling some of the side effects from the drug (I haven’t been sleeping super well, I have headaches a lot, etc). I’m curious for anyone else who has been on this medication-did your side effects go away as your body adjusted to the medication, or is this just kind of the trade off? Thanks in advance! :)

Deeply confused. experiencing rocd like symptoms for few months. Last night I wanted to text my gf saying, “Yes, I want to be with you. This is what im experiencing”. A few months ago I hooked up w someone (before me n gf were official). I ended up having to choose between them. I wonder if i regret my decision. I wonder If i want their love in my life more. last night it felt so clear that i wanted the other person. i couldnt continue writing to my gf. idk what to do. i want to be honest and communicative to get through our struggles. im too internally confused and bottled up