Welcome to
the NOCD Community

haven’t done any therapy yet and would like to talk to someone who has before cause i’m nervous and i just saw a woman on tik tok say intrusive thoughts are just intuition and it was so scary.

Im so drained , I haven’t been diagnosed I’m too scared to go to a doctor and I did tell my mum I think I had ocd and she laughed at me with disbelief because Im not a clean freak . My last option is suicide if I’m being honest I’m only 17 and I’m already having these uncomfortable thoughts that make me cry for hours . I can’t go on social media I can’t speak to my family I can’t be around kids , animals without having a fear of getting turned on or feeling stuff or thinking stuff . The thoughts get so believable idk if there real or fake . It makes me extremely uncomfortable “what if I like this feeling “ I have to constantly check myself my body if a video comes up of a kid . What happens if I don’t even have ocd and I’m just a pedo . I’ve been through a lot of stuff but this has been the most draining , depressing period of my life . I can’t eat , I’m starting to think I’m depressed again . I can’t sleep , I don’t know myself anymore . I’m scared of myself , my future , what happens if Im becoming one , since I’m so young . I don’t want to be here anymore I don’t deserve it . I don’t deserve to have friends I don’t deserve anything but to rot in my room . I don’t believe I can get help I don’t believe I can get better . I just want to be normal I’m so jealous of people that just think normally .

ERP is great and I agree that it’s the “gold standard” (as everyone loves to say, lol), but sometimes messaging around it’s success rates/durations of recovery fails to note the nuances of each individuals relationship with it and history of OCD which may be commorbid with other disorders, as well as life circumstances and privilege, access. Some people have had it longer, shorter, some people have OCD tied to trauma, some people have struggles related to fear and some to disgust. Not everyone gets better in 8 weeks, and it’s not a 1-stop shop. Yes, ERP IS the way to go, but I wish some of the black and white talk about it would stop othering folks who don’t necessary fall into marketed quotas about success rates and methods. We already feel isolated in our struggles, and when OCD loves to tell us “our case is the exception”, and “we got it really bad” some of that b+w pushing, pushing, pushing of “do erp and you’ll get better” could be toned down a touch.

I think I'm just such an awful person, I've had groinal responses in the past I'm aware of them but I really don't know what's real anymore, I think I might be an awful person so I'm so sorry, I just want to be clean and good. I'm not even diagnosed as having OCD. I showered yesterday which was so awful and tiring but I felt good after because I felt nice and pure. My bed was clean but now I feel like it isn't and everything is wrong because I messed up and now I feel dirty and wrong again. In some ways I hate being clean because then I have to worry about keeping clean, at least when I'm dirty I'm in a dirty bubble where as long as I don't touch anything different I'm fine. It takes so much work to maintain being clean but maybe that is just what I deserve. If people knew what went on in my mind they would laugh in my face or find me disgusting. I feel like I shouldn't be on this app because I think I might genuinely be an awful person so I'm sorry for tainting it with my rants. I'm only 16 I just want to be normal I've probably washed my hands about a million times today but what's the point if I'm just going to be dirty again. It lasted one day, one day of feeling happy and clean. Why did this have to be me?

having string feeling of regret shame and guilt about a past mistake i can't get it out my head it won't go away i feel like why did we do this when we were younger if this hadn't of happened i would be living my life but instead i'm just about getting by i really don't know what i'm meant to do or say to get past this mistake and instead feelings it's been about 10 years now living with this mistake i'm now 24

I constantly overthink that I’m being kept from information and being lied to and that stuff is always hidden from me. I cry at the slightest shift in tone and I overthink everything that may have lead up to it. I overthink changes in routine and when something that’s small to others change it feels like a stab in my heart. I hate change and when it happens I spiral and I feel like I’m no longer loved. When out of sight and out of mind, I always overthink about how the love will fade if he doesn’t have a constant reminder of me even if it’s only been a few hours. I feel like something will happen and he will not even care that I exist and he’ll cheat or lie or hide things from me until one day he reveals the truth way after he has lost feelings. I constantly worry even with insane amounts of reassurance and I don’t know how to stop my overthinking. This overthinking causes extreme panic attacks and feeling not whole and lonely. I often think of killing myself because of it and I don’t know how to talk to anyone because I don’t want people to think I’m in a bad relationship and make it worse by telling me to breakup with him. He’s very thoughtful and talks everything out with me now that I’m trying to be more open but even that doesn’t help. I told him yesterday and he said to try to find something good in everything I overthink, I thought then and there that he’d never understand because where is the finding something good in wanting to kill myself? I didn’t say that to him though because I didn’t want him to get upset. I did say how do I find a good in overthinking about lying and cheating though? And all he could reply is I don’t know how to help you beyond what I’ve already tried doing. And I know he didn’t mean it in a bad way but that caused me to spiral more. I stopped messaging him about the subject and just thanked him and told him I loved him so he didn’t feel bad he couldn’t help, but it made me feel like I’m unable to be fixed. It made me overthink things 10x more. I don’t know what to do anymore and how to help myself I just wanna be happy and trust him and trust myself and our relationship but it’s so hard with all these thoughts never leaving my head and appearing every single time I’m happy. I used to just bottle it in but it’d make me go mute and push him away physically and mentally even though I just wanted to be comforted. I hugged him while having these thoughts and balling my eyes out for a few hours yesterday and it felt more assuring than pushing him away, definitely, but I can’t always hug him when I need to and it’s not like I can ask for constant reassurance. He’s very busy, works, a student, acts, sports, etc and I can’t weigh him down like this and I wanna get better if I want our relationship to work. There are so many things that set off my overthinking; here are a few that do the trick. Long periods of time without being near me (not long to normal people, at most 2 days), long periods of time between text or talk, when Life360 messed up and shows me he’s on the side of the road or somewhere random etc, when I know he’s with pretty talented people, when his mood shifts or his tone changes, when he doesn’t wanna cuddle me when it’s hot, and countless more things. I know it’s an issue to get upset at these but I can’t help the scenarios and overthinking my brain makes up. It often causes me to want to punish myself to be more talented, skinny, pretty, less boring so that he’s always happy with me. There’s so much more but that’s all I can write right now and think of unless talking about specifics.

I can't tell if im truly depressed or emotionally exhausted. It's like I cant cope and I'm just depleted. My ocd was severe this summer, I was super happy last year. I feel jealous, it's overall a nasty feeling. Idk what to do anymore. Anything helps at this point

Would love to hear some right now

I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore I’m feeling like I’m faking my feeling of being upset and secretly want to laugh or smile and People on here say they’re scared to think of the thoughts but I’m deliberately imagining them to test myself but how can I think of such vile things on purpose and have no problem thinking of them, I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me, I’ve got this horrible scenario in my head that I’ve been worrying about, about burying someone and I’m literally sat there deliberately imagining digging a hole and putting mud on someone’s face and the thought is about my mum and then I’m frowning and getting pain in my eyebrows and feel stressed but I don’t know I’ve been tearful all night and this morning but I don’t know what’s going on. I started worrying. About these things because my brother went away and I’m alone in the house with my mum and I’ve been worrying about it, I don’t know what to do I feel so bad and I’ve been researching about that killer Chris watts and it he had mental health because it’s from that documentary how my ocd started because I started physically shaking after watching it and it’s almost like I got trauma from it because he seemed normal and then done that and online it says he wasn’t a psycho and that’s why it’s a strange case because he was normal and suddenly done that and now I’m wondering why I’m thinking of these evil thoughts in so much detail am I just testing myself to see if I’m like that or am I insane?? I’m really worried and then my brother rang to say he’s back tomorrow and now I feel a bit better but why can’t I be alone with someone without thinking these things I’m scared and don’t know what to do. My life feels like I’m in that documentary and that that could actually happen and it feels real and I don’t know what to do I feel like I’m lying about being worried I don’t even know if I’m panicking anymore I have been tearing g up but I don’t know why I’m entertaining these thoughts if I hate them??? It should be that I can’t bear to think of them but I’m deliberately thinking of them?? Say if I’m split personality or something say if secretly it appeals to me and I’m crazy and I would actually do that ??? I feel terrible

I’m sick of people telling me that someone is just around the corner or there is someone for everyone. I’ve been single for twenty years. I’ve told my doctors but they don’t do anything. It’s like they are saying I’m a freak so it is perfectly normal. I can’t go near any woman I like because of trauma and I want that treated. Well I assume it is trauma because the doctor eon’t tell me what it is. I hate when you ask them a question and they don’t say they don’t have an answer they just move on. I’ve lost 2 1/2 stone, I have a business, I don’t take drugs or drink or smoke, I take care of my personal hygiene, I shave and I get my haircut every two weeks. I’m obviously taking care of myself so being single for twenty years surely suggests there is an issue. I really try my best but I don’t want to do any more as it becomes compulsive. Is it wrong to ask for proper help and expect to get it?

I'm having a very difficult day from an intrusive thought I've been dealing with for a month. I feel like I can't get it out of my head and like I'm stuck inside myself. I'm scared I'm always gonna be like this. I'm scared it wont go away. My stomach is turning and I feel shakey and I'm really scared, tired and depressed. I just want my life back.

Don’t really know how to start this off but I’ve been having a lot of stress and dread about this hookup I had 2 years ago. I’m very shameful, embarrassed and angry at myself for what I did to myself. About two years I was in this phase where I just wanted a hookup. I do not remember why but I just did. Well I got tinder and found this partner, but this partner was not at all my preference. With respect, I was not physically attracted to her but I was drawn by the opportunity to meet up and hookup as I was a virgin* and wanted to get it “on”. We agreed to oral sex and the date was set. Through text we made sure* we were clean and I had told her it was my first time. Anyways we meet up and I drank a bit to loosen up and feel less anxious for what I was about to do, as soon as I saw her in person I felt a pit in my stomach, she did not look at all how I thought she did but I was already there and didn’t know how to pull out of the situation. So I chived on and got in her car and we’ll we got started. It was horrible. My first sexual experience and it was horrible, I was miserable, and I wanted it to end. I know it’s because she was like I stayed with respect and not to body shame, she was not my preference of partner nor physical standards and I mean by a long shot. Anyways she swallowed, sorry for the nasty info but this is crucial, and we’ll we went on our night. That night I had bad ideas and feelings. I thought I screwed up my life and all that type of stuff and etc. I’ve gotten over the ocd and anxiety of stds and what not but as of recent I’ve been having ocd loophole thoughts of “what if she impregnated herself” “ what if I have a kid” “ what if she’ll reach out to me to tell me” “ what if the kid will reach out to me”, then I even had this doubtful thought of “ what I’d she wasn’t a “she” “. I feel sick and afraid for all these worries I have. I just wanted to share and see if anyone had feedback. Thank you for your time.

I have TOCD and I am always so desperate to find the PERFECT image of myself? Like my ultimate identity. It’s so draining but I have to sit there after any minor thing that happens to me and see if it aligns with my identity. Every time I look at a group of people I have to identify which person I’d rather be in the group. I when I see myself as feminine it makes me sooo uncomfortable that I have to compromise and find a different way to perceive myself. All day every day I’m thinking about what kind of girl I wanna be and the perfect thing I can do which is making me feel like I’m forcing it every day because it’s become this ideal image of a person in my head. I have to be both feminine and masculine. I need to stop but I don’t know if it’s OCD or not but I’m so laser focused on figuring out and not picking every miniature thing that makes up my identity. I also ruminate about my gender so much and I feel like I do not want to be a man and have male features and I’d much rather be masculine as a girl and still be recognised as female but when I try to imagine myself as a dude I can’t think about it for long because my brain blocks it away and doesn’t let me actually think. I also feel as if Ive BANNED myself from experimenting with fully male identity. I just feel so separate from “maleness” because that’s NOT what I’ve ever seen myself as in my entire life, but maybe because I never let myself explore my feelings towards being tall and muscular and strong and having a deep voice and being dominant? I never was jealous of male features or anything before this, never wanted a penis or a deep voice in my life, but now I’m not so sure because these things are so far removed from what I actually look like that maybe I never consider them because it’s unattainable?The thing is I will imagine myself as transgender but actually imagining myself as a man is so uncomfortable . I don’t really like the idea of being a grown adult man . One other suspicious thing that’s been bothering me is that saying “maybe, maybe not” brings me immediate relief and comfort, whereas for other people it seems really scary. I don’t even know why this is because my brain is blocking me from investigating this. It could be the relief that I have a choice in the end but idk. I also feel immensely uncomfortable with my own body now. It makes me feel so uneasy the fact that I have boobs which is my main problem is so weird to me .they don’t feel like a part of me anymore and somewhat I believe I have developed dysphoria and this could be actual questioning because I heard that it can become obsessive and ruminating for actual questioning people. I used to be so comfortable in my body (actually I’m not sure about this claim) and I actually used to be extremely confident and now I’m not. I am uncomfortable with the idea of going back to how I was before and again I DONT KNOW WHY. If I have OCD wouldn’t I miss my old self??

Hey guys. So I just had a pretty big relapse in my ocd, the first one since I started going to therapy. At first it was hard to accept that I had gone back to old patterns, but I’m trying to look at it as a chance to do better for myself this time. A chance to handle it with compassion, kindness and regard for myself rather than the disgust and shame I felt during my first big ocd episode. Here are some things I’ve been doing that have helped: Epsom salt baths- what I’ve realized is that it doesn’t serve me to be anxious all the time. I need to calm my body down so I can feel hunger, and have moments of clarity. And these baths help a lot - the magnesium really helps relax and give you a moment to be comfortable in your body. Remember to eat and drink enough water. Right now, your mind is running wild and your body is responding as if it’s in fight or flight mode- make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Gratitude practice- I know that it can seem really hard to find the positive during a really intense OCD episode. But what I’ve found is that if I make the effort to recognize the good in my life, even if it’s as small as “I had the money to buy myself some epsom salts to take care of myself” or “I’m grateful for that sunset I just saw” has helped me keep my spirits more alive even if my brain wants to pull me into rumination. Crying - let yourself have a release. One thing I like to do is imagine my mom or an older version of myself coming in the room and comforting me. It helps to imagine what you would say to a loved one that just had the day you had. For example: if my head really hurts from ruminating all day - I’ll take the time to drink water and take some medicine. Then I’ll think about what I would say to someone who dealt with the stress, anxiety, and rumination that I just had that day. Well a lot of times (and we want to stay away from reassurance with this) I’ll say to myself “I can’t tell you whether or not your obsessions are true. But I can tell you that I love you and I’m here for you no matter what.” And I find this is a great way of reinforcing your relationship with self as you learn to trust your ability to navigate difficult flare ups. Holding your own hand, being the support you need, can make the world of a difference. Doing exposures in real life. I’ve found that doing exposures have made me feel empowered again, even if that only lasts for a little bit. I’ve found that not planning exposures as much and just going about my life saying “Right now, what would I do if I didn’t have ocd?” Or being spontaneous anyways even if it feels uncomfortable has helped. Look objectively at your day. Are you spending two hours laying in bed in the morning before you get up? Maybe eliminating that or paring it down intentionally will help you reduce rumination. Taking supplements - fish oil, b6 vitamin, vitamin c, vitamin d are all ones I take every day and help keep my immune system up and my brain functioning a bit better. Keep a feelings journal. Staying in touch with your emotions is really important. I’ve found it to really help me break out of ocd as I can say to it “I hear you, OCD. But my inner child is really sad right now, and I’m going to direct my attention towards her rather than engage in rumination.” At the end of the day we can’t help what our brains might want to do. They might want to ruminate, mentally review, make us afraid and anxious and have irrational doubts. But we can control the ways that we treat ourselves, and what we direct our attention towards. May we direct our attention towards the good in our lives, towards care and love and moments of peace, because that will start to being more of that in. You know what they say “What you focus on gets bigger”. And I would say that especially if you are dealing with ocd - you deserve even more love and compassion - and hopefully I’ve been able to give you some tips that might help foster that as well. Feel free to add your own methods of dealing with OCD below. And hey, to anyone struggling through their own relapse right now - I get it. It sucks. But it’s also within your control to make it better - and I believe in you. I’m so proud of anyone out there fighting ocd right now. Fighting for the big, beautiful life that you deserve. Stay strong ❤️ You can do this.

Sorry for posting alot today, I'm just having the roughest day I've had in a long time and could really use some advice. I've got real events ocd with depression and adhd, despite pushing myself into uncomfortable situations I'm not seeing results. I read somewhere that people with depression combined with ocd don't see the stress reduction that people with just ocd would normally see. This is definitely becoming my reality as I keep pushing myself to do the opposite of what the "I don't deserve" thoughts say but I'm no better off as what I was months ago. I don't just experience anxiety when doing exposures, sometimes it's crippling depression and I don't actually want to do anything but curl up in a corner. I don't know how to tell if the "I don't deserve" thoughts are ocd or depression speaking, and it's challenging since they're both treated differently. Even if I did, my emotions are that damn strong I feel powerless against them... I don't really want to take medications because that's not really learning to live with it, it's just covering it up for another day like a bandaid approach. I can't take more medications anyway due to other medical problems, I feel like I've got the perfect mix of hell. I live in Australia and I've been through 4 psychologists already who keep trying to dig up my past and analyze it. I keep saying it's real event ocd but they don't really take me seriously considering I don't do physical compulsions. I'm seeing someone who claims to be an ocd specialist but that's not until late August, let's hope that she can really help me. I've been trying for 4 years to beat this beast and it's done nothing but get worse. I'm losing hope guys, any advice would be muchly appreciated

My name is Maddie and I'm just a freshman in highschool, I've never truly checked out if I have OCD and I'm not trying to self diagnose, but I'm getting desperate and I relate to some of the stories from other people in here. I've had intrusive thoughts since I was a child. Or at least that's what I would call them, they started out as only a few- when I had to go to bed I had to keep my eyes closed the entire time or something bad would happen to the people I love. The next major thing I remember and I've been doing for years is having to keep a door open the entire time I'm grabbing something in the hallway. It always would cause me this weird anxiety. That was just the beginning though, for the past few months since school has ended, I've been feeling like I'm about to go crazy. Some nights were better than others. Doing even the smallest of things would "save" me. I don't feel comfortable talking about someone the things because they seem very tedious but they're not to me, I must have my door's knob touching the wall, I must put the toilet seat down, if I do something wrong I immediately have to tap to 3 or 5, volume on my TV must be an even number or a 5 but it can't be 6, and a few other things. I feel terrible all of the time and I'm not sure if it's that big of a deal, but failing to complete tasks like that make me believe something horrible and terrible is gonna happen to me or my family, things especially revolving around death. Sometimes I just have to yell in my head, I always find the thoughts weird because it's like I'm saying them but I just can't control it. - The reason I decided to write this is because yesterday i had this terrible dream where someone told me I was gonna die, I was terrified. And honestly still am, I feel like a threat to my family even tho I would never ever hurt them, I feel like something is gonna happen as I sleep - this causes me to stay up and try to distract myself. I feel like such a bad person for some of the things I feel and I almost felt like I was making up some story and almost believed it as I've been trying to sleep. I'm so tired of these thoughts and if anyone reads this and has something to say, please give me advice. Being by myself doesn't give me the same comfort as it used to.

So I’ve got into this bad habit of deliberately imagining the intrusive harm thought about people and my cats. One day when getting the same unwanted intrusive thought I decided to deliberately imagine doing that and how it would feel in hope that I would get really bad anxiety and know for sure that I hated it but I don’t know why but for some reason instead I imagined it (thought about smothering someone with a pillow) and it felt like I knew how it felt to do smother someone and that I liked the feeling or it felt good to do that. Ever since then my life has been full of so much stress I’ve never cried harder in my life because now I’m obsessed with these smothering thoughts, most times I think of them and get a shudder and feel tense and pull a disgusted face like I hate the thoughts but sometimes its felt like I ‘liked the feeling of doing that’ when I imagined it and it freaks me out and has kept me on a choke hold where I’m now believing i like the feeling or doing that and every so often I imagine the smothering thought about people around me on my cat so I can get an anxious/tense feeling to reassure myself that I don’t like it but even that doesn’t reassure me because I’m still believing that before it felt like it would ‘feel good to do that’ I feel so miserable I’ve never had bad intentions for anyone and now I’m worried the fact that I’m so unsure and belive that ‘it feels like I like the feeling of suffocating’ does that mean it’s true why do I not believe myself say if its because I secretly do ?? Im really really worried. I’ve always had an instinct to help people but now I’m worried I’ve discovered it ‘feels good to stop someone breathing’ from imagining it and now I would still do that or maybe on impulse or in the moment and its worrying me a lot how can I continue my life like this, I’m so stressed out no one understands it feels so real and I keep being uncertain and deliberately Imagining smothering my mum or my cat to ‘test if it feels like I like the feeling’ but that feeling never comes, but because it has a few times before now I feel like its true and real and I don’t know if maybe its just adrenaline or anxiety and I’m mistaking it for liking the feeling i don’t know anymore, but maybe its possible since sometimes I read a article of something bad or sad happened to someone and it feels like I’m about to laugh or smile when I don’t like what I’ve read and I think that means it’s anxiety or intense feeling and I’m getting false feelings or something. Im such a fearful person I’m literally scared of my own shadow and now I’m believing all this horrible things about myself and it feels so real I feel so sad and drained I don’t know what to do 😞😞 and then I think the fact I can sit there imagining these smothering thoughts about my mum or cats does that mean I’m bad?? I’ve got into a habit of imagining jt often to see if I will get anxious or feel like I hate the thoughts, then I keep thinking that eventually it would happen or it’s inevitable Since now it feels like i ‘like the feeling’ I’m so worried it’s true or I would do that. I jar everything I just want my old life back I’m so miserable

Something so weird to me is I will have a moment of relief and will actually see the light, but then when that moment passes, I just completely forget what that even felt like. Like I currently don’t even feel like myself, I feel like someone else. It’s the weirdest feeling ever and I can’t even describe the feeling. Lately reassurance hasn’t been working on me which is so tough, but when it does, it feels like a breath of fresh air. I know reassurance is so terribly bad for me to rely on, but I’ve been feeling so crummy and can’t even describe the feeling. My brain is trying so hard to convince me that I won’t be happy when I finally get through this. I’m fighting those thoughts so hard, but it’s hard when there are times I almost feel like I’ve given up, leaving me with guilt when I’m finally feeling better. I hope someone who really needed to hear this and relate to someone finds a spark of happiness in this horrible darkness. Just know you are sooooo loved and will absolutely kick this in the butt 🫶🏻🫶🏻

I never feel fear when getting into a car even though car accidents are very common, but as soon as I figure out Brian eating amoebas exist I get all scared. One is way more likely than the other but I only fear the one that has an extremely rare chance of ever happening.

My ocd keeps telling me" I'm just a femme gay woman in denial?!" I am pretty knowledgeable on LGBT topics because alot of my friends, family and acquaintances are part of the community. Why does ocd put all this info together to use against you? There's nothing wrong with identifying this way, but I DON'T!