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It has been over a year since I took off college to work on my OCD and I still am not really feeling ready to go back. I feel stuck

Sometimes I have so much going on in my head at one time - and I have layers of intrusive thoughts one on top of another - all together and sometimes I don't know or remember which one caused my anxiety but I have to go back and solve them or reproduce the feeling that came up so that I can "disregard" it properly. It gets so exhausting because I'm always chasing after random thoughts and feelings all about similar themes - that are constantly getting triggered - by silly things. The fear is - I won't know its ocd unless i go back and solve them. I think this might be a compulsion? Does sitting with the discomfort with this Also work?

Possible trigger warning if anyone else has an ED. I saw a post online that basically said if you cant have a restrictive eating disorder without being fatphobic. I have Anorexia, struggled with it for years. I truly believe in beauty at every size and eating what you want, I've never been the type of person to judge others for their bodies or what they eat. I would never look down on someone for their weight and I hate it when other people with my disorder shame people for being overweight or use it to 'encourage' themselves. I do have an unexplainable fear of gaining weight but that unfortunately just comes with the illness and i only ever apply these standards to myself. There's even been times I wished more people could think more like me so that I wouldn't be insecure about gaining weight. I genuienly dont equate weight to anyone's worth, to me it's just a number until I'm the one on the scale. My OCD is telling me now that by struggling an ED i hate fat people or am being offensive. That I should force myself to eat even though it makes me anxious and it's not something I can just force myself to do. I've been in this horrible limbo all day with my mind on whether or not just being sick makes me a terrible person. :') I hate OCD.

I don't know what to do anymore nothing I do to try and get over this real event ocd helps. My day goes like this - 4am, wake up in sudden panic attacks where it's near impossible to get back to sleep. - The I don't deserve thoughts start instantly eg I don't deserve to relax/sleep, I don't deserve to have thoughts, I don't deserve the sound of the birds outside, I don't deserve anything really. - Following this depression kicks off and because I feel down it makes the "I don't deserve thoughts totally believable. - I start to mentally punish myself - I try to break the cycle by doing this things anyway, but this takes so much energy. Something I have limited of in the first place due to lack of sleep. - The rest of the day continues with my moods going up and down like a roller coaster. - Later in the day I start to panic, as I know the anxiety attack that inevitably awaits the next morning. - I spiral into hopelessness wondering what is actually going to stop my head. I start looking for answers (do I contact the guy that I hurt?). - I try to be functional for my partner in life, but I fail and constantly break down crying. - I try to enjoy a bit of tv before bed before medicating and going to bed stressed knowing this is about to start again tomorrow. I'm not sure where to go from here people, I'm quickly running out of energy and will power to deal with this groundhog day effect, I need to see results!. My psychologist keeps trying to dig through my past and she doesn't understand ocd whatsoever. I'm tempted to go up the hospital, but they're just going to drug me up and send me home despite having no understanding of ocd as well... I'm literally cornered... I've got no options. I just wait around all day waiting for something to give and if I keep going down this path it's going to be my mind and body. Has anyone else been where I am and can offer some advice?

Hey everyone. Yesterday was difficult, today I feel slightly better. I’m really upset because I KNOW I shouldn’t be compulsively researching stuff on Google, but I read this thing that says there are women that are a 100% straight and don’t feel absolutely anything for any woman. So it just makes me wonder, what about aesthetic attraction?? Aesthetic attraction to me feels like something. Idk how to describe it. It’s like a feeling that you get when you look at someone that is attractive. I feel it in my chest so maybe it’s like anxiety mixed with pleasure? Idk why I feel some physical response but I don’t like it. That’s what made me get upset. I feel this, so am I not 100% straight?? I don’t wanna be bi or gay, even if I was I wouldn’t wanna act on it. Even though my brain and body feel like they want to but I DON’T. Bi or gay labels don’t resonate with me, so I will not act on it. Mix all this with the false attractions that don’t feel false, and the unwanted sexual responses your body has and it literally makes up enough “proof” that my worst fear is true. I wanna be with my bf forever, and marry him and have children. That’s been my dream ever since I was a little kid. I think my fear stems from there and also the fact that I would be terrified to be alone in life. I just want to be completely straight, soooo badly. I do not wanna be with a woman in any way. Just thinking about sex or romance with one makes me feel upset and wanna cry and literally kms because I hold my relationship so dear and it’s literally the most important thing in my life. Even my body has these disgust responses but it’s like my brain likes the thoughts and feelings. Ugh idk I really just needed to vent. Sorry if it’s too long. Hope y’all are having a good day.

I feel beside myself. My partner focused ROCD feels like it will never end. I'm panicking because I feel like I'm running out of time because I'm 37 and want to be married with kids before it's too late, but im struggling to take the next step in my relationship. My boyfriend treats me amazing and we have a healthy and loving relationship. I keep chasing that euphoria that I think I should be feeling. We have been together 1 year, 7 mos.

I just saw a tiktok and I feel so awful now, before I write what this woman said I want to warn that it could be very upsetting, and that it is absolutely NOT TRUE!! But the video was this woman saying "It literally just occurred to me, um, intrusive thoughts? Are literally just your intuition." I know that she just doesnt know what she's actually saying, but the way she said it makes me so mad, and knowing she has no clue how horrible and harmful that statment was!! I still remember the first time I read when I was reading about OCD that intrusive thoughts are actually the opposite of what you actually believe or want or feel, it was like a bright light washing over me how relieving that was for me. I only did that research after being debilitated by them for like 5 years, and when I started having these horrible uncontrollable thoughts and imagery around 7th grade, I thought it all must represent my deepest, suppressed unconscious desires. I had no idea what was wrong with me, and my experience makes me wish people were better educated about mental disorders and OCD in particular, knowing how much distress I could have been helped from had I known more about OCD psychology. Anyway, to anyone reading this, your intrusive thoughts are NOT your "intuition," and they are not representative of you or your character.

Hello everyone! I hope everyone is doing well for themselves today. I'm having a flood of Religious OCD thoughts that sound a bit like - Am I going to go to hell? What if i'm in the wrong religion? Do other religions go to hell? Which one is the right one? Am I a good person and do I deserve heaven? I think this is ok, but if it isn't, am I going to hell? I know that this has the potential to get better when I start therapy properly and use the techniques that I've learned. I also am going to introduce regular mediation to my routine. But has anyone here had similar thoughts before, and what is it like when they get better? It seems like there is a constant looking threat of all these things coming true when I die (even though they are just thoughts).

Every since I started doing this, man, my ocd has been going haywire. It’s just super exhausting - it’s like I’m fighting it, and it’s doing it’s best to survive. Making up all these narratives constantly, god it’s exhausting. It’s like the more I attack it, the more ocd stuff goes through my head. So annoying. What have you guys done when this has happened?

Every counter OCD thought (compulsion?) I have, my mind responds with THIS SOUNDS LIKE DENIAL. And then I have to stop doing it. I’ve stopped going on detrans Reddit because I feel like this is a “cult I was sucked into due to denial”. Is it possible for intrusive thoughts to come in feelings and inner natural statements. I will look in the mirror and my brain will say “I hate my face”. And I will feel hatred towards it. I feel uncomfortable about being female. I don’t know why. It doesn’t seem like ocd but like actual dysphoria. This is a way I have NEVER felt. And I perceive my self as a man or a transgender person in denial in my head. I feel happy and calm and smiling, so nice even to the point of happy tears when I feel more SURE it’s ocd and not dysphoria. But when I am faced with the (actually pretty rational) fear that I am transgender my hands are shaking and I feel nauseated and I feel like i wanna die (panic attack). Even when I am sure I want it and that it is my TRUE EMOTION. My intrusive thoughts can be so specific. I’ve started reassuring myself that I can enjoy certain things even if I am transgender . Is this still TOCD or does it sound like something different.

I'm tired of feeling like nobody is truly listening to me, and feeling all alone despite trying my hardest to explain what I'm going through. I feel unloved. I feel unnecessary. I feel like there isn't any comfort for me, and despite therapy, I still feel terribly depressed. It might be my fault why I'm still doing poorly, though. Whenever I am not directly ruminating, these feelings are in the back of my mind. I feel like talking about it isn't helping me feel less alone, and so I don't even know why I am typing this. What I probably need is to be alone for a while and not talk to people about this.

Today was the worst day today. I was ruminating yet again about a past event that happened in my life (which is typical for me because that happens when I overcome an event from the past that I was ruminating over.) I had recently gone back to a compulsion the night before to gain some reassurance (thankfully there were some ppl on the internet who did me a favor and never gave me that reassurance.) But sadly, I went ahead and still found it. It wasn’t exactly what I was looking for, but I decided to accept it for what it was. I don’t want to alarm anyone because my friend told me that what I did wasn’t as bad as I had thought it was, but that thought got to a point where I was worried that if I told a hotline person about this, that they would report me to the p*lice and I would be sent to jail and personally, that freaked me out because I have school and I’m planning on going to college and that thought was ruminating in my head like crazy. I could barely focus on anything else. The only thing that helped me get my anxiety out of that thought was playing a game with my siblings, but other than that, I felt like such a stranger to my own mind. A part of me didn’t even think I was stressed out (a part of me still thinks I wasn’t) but if that was the case, then I would’ve felt better than I did in that moment. And the truth was, I didn’t feel better. I’m trying to tell myself that people make mistakes and that I don’t have to do anything crazy, but a part of me feels like a villain for not telling a mandate reporter about this, just so I could do some ‘justice’ because my religion says so. I know what my religion means when it comes to ‘justice’, but I know myself too. And I know that I’ve become a better, smarter, and more pious person than I was before. And I know that God doesn’t want me to live in this guilt and regret for a while just so I can finally live the life I want. I want to live that now, WHERE I CAN MOVE ON. My stress and my anxiety has taken such a toll on my body, I just want it to end. And I want to live peacefully, and I just don’t want to go to jail. I feel kinda alone in this world, even though I have God and my family with me. It still feels like I have so much pressure on myself that I can’t even regulate my emotions like I always do all the time, and I’ve just had enough of ‘calming down’ all the time. It’s not an insult to be mad, upset, angry, or even frustrated. Maybe that’s just telling someone something they need to know.

I managed to calm down a bit but my head doesn’t want to forget about the thoughts because it felt like something bad was going to happen and that it was real (I was home alone with my mum and I had these horrible thoughts, they weren’t even intrusive I deliberately brought them on and i don’t know why) but it was a thought of smothering and then it was thoughts of dragging my mum and then it was about burying (I feel horrible even writing that) but I deliberately thought of them out of no where and it felt real that that was about to happens and I kept feeling like I wanted to think about the thoughts and kept imagining them even after getting hot and cold chills and heart beating fast I felt like I wanted to imagine it for some reason and now I’ve been worrying for a few days a lot and feeling really crappy and everytime I think if the thoughts I feel really crap and it feel real like it could have happened and now I’m worried and feeling like I don’t even know if that’s what I actually wanted to do? - I know that sounds crazy but had anyone else had ocd for a long time and now you don’t even know what you want or how you feel? At the start of ocd I knew I hated the thoughts and pushed them away. And now I don’t even know when I’m anxious because I’m use to the anxiety and I don’t even know if I actually want to do those horrible things or not and that’s really scary where as before I knew I didn’t want that 100 percent but after having this for so long it’s like. I’ve become confused and don’t know who I even am, irs scary and that day it felt like those thoughts were going to happen and now I’m thinking does that mean everytime I will be alone with someone this is the result and why did it feel so real like it was good. To happen and that I wanted to and was deliberately thinking the thoughts it’s really scary to think about but at the same time it’s like I’m confused and think I like it and want it but really those thoughts make me feel sick but feel so real and I can’t always tell they make me feel sick and disgusted 😞 I managed to calm down and ignore it and felt better but now I keep feeling like I need to think about it to check or because it’s a problem since what if it could have happened and in the future it could happen now? And I keep having this horrible feeling that it could have happened and just didn’t and that it could happen next time and that I don’t even know if I wanted it or not and I feel really Worried and am believing that I do and I’m so confused and don’t went this to be true 😞😞

My OCD is a part of almost everything in my life, but I just need to vent about a few things. Well, no, that's not true, but I don't have the energy to type it all, and I really would rather talk than type in a comfortable space, rather than feel I have to justify and explain everything. People who don't know me don't grasp why asking me to answer their questions (which only lead to more "Why?"s or not accepting what I say) is just too much for me now. To them, it's just one more time. To me, it's overwhelming and exhausting. The story gets longer as I get older. I'm so not ok. I'm so hot. My nerves are on edge. I told my boyfriend I was hot, and he told me he wasn't. I tried again to explain about hot flashes and more than menopause can cause them, and he told me I needed to get that "fixed"... And after a pause he added, "When you're able to." I asked what am I supposed to do in the meantime and he didn't say anything. I asked him if he'd make it cooler, and he finally did, although I don't know if he really did or not, because he leaned back, I heard the metal door flip open and closed, literally in a second or less, and I don't think he could have adjusted the temp that quickly. Every time the AC shuts off, that very second, I feel a wave of heat, and it I don't get cooler until the AC comes on again. I'm morbidly obese, and I don't feel like going into it now, but losing weight is hard when I have to have to eat takeout (usually high in carbs, sugar, and sodium, among other unhealthy things), and my boyfriend can only afford cheap stuff. I used the bathroom earlier, and I was struggling to carry my weight, making loud sounds as I let out breaths, sweating, almost feeling faint. My left arm and hand tingle because of my left breast weighing against my arm. I'm so nervous about my Social Security and I just wish I knew if I was going to get it next month as usual. I posted about this previously. I'm going to run out of my meds soon. Doctors won't see me if I can't pay them, and they wouldn't take out-of-pocket if I had the money. They will only take insurance, and I can't be cut off my meds again. It's dangerous. My boyfriend got his phone fixed, but I'm still waiting for him to help me with mine. I screamed in the room while he was out, but my voice isn't as strong as it used to be. My throat had mild pain, just from screaming once.

i have been getting really gross intrusive thoughts. They have caused me to feel such intense guilt. It’s gone to the point I harmed myself and believe I deserve this harm. My parents had to hide all sharp objects from me so I don’t harm myself. I also have wanted to end my life due to the intensity and discomfort and disgust and repulsion these thoughts give me. I feel since I have these intrusive thoughts I do not deserve to live. I have been to a mental health emergency room and I felt better afterwards but it was temporary relief. I have been given medication for this (sleep since the intrusive thoughts and the fact that I have these intrusive thoughts keeps me awake unable to sleep, and pills for my OCD to potentially stop the intrusive thoughts and anxiety. But I was only given them last night so they will not work for a week or so). I don’t even feel comfortable saying the theme of them because I’m terrified of people thinking I am that and am so repulsed by the fact that still exists, I would never think anything like this out of my own will. If I heard anybody say the thoughts I have out loud , I would stay away from them, and be disgusted by them for saying it. I wouldn’t even vocalize these intrusive thoughts to a therapist because they would hate me which would be completely valid and understandable. I hate me too for thinking this. I don’t deserve to live. I live in constant guilt. I never got thought like this until these theme decided to ruin my fucking whole ass life. How do I remove these thoughts and guilt. I’m only a kid and I know I have a whole life ahead of me but I don’t deserve it for having these intrusive thoughts. I’ll get intrusive thoughts like wanting to harm somebody in a graphic way (WHICH I DO NOT WANT. I wouldn’t even get in a fight with somebody. I hate harming others.) these thoughts are 100% UNWANTED. They also developed at random. I was just scrolling on tiktok as one does then I got a super random intrusive thought. I fixated on it and obsessed over it and it caused worse and worse intrusive thoughts to come because of me fixating on it. I remember I had it once before (earleir I says I’ve never had thoughts like this untill the theme, the intrusive thought i had then was still bad and something I don’t think at all, but it was an extreme one) but I was able to acknowledge it was an intrusive thought and had nothing to do with me after freaking out for about a few hours. I don’t want to live with these thoughts. I don’t deserve the gift of life. I can’t stand up from guilt. I can’t eat on my own. I’ve tried everything. They’re constantly in my head. I DONT WANT THEM THERE. I DONT THINK LIKE THAT AT ALL. I am seeing a therapist on Thursday. They get so specific and disgusting. My compulsion is hitting myself in the head and screaming “no that’s gross ew”. As you can tell it harms me . But I think I deserve it. I can’t take any thing anyone says to me seriously because if they heard these intrusive thoughts all the pity would disappear.

My boyfriend has always struggled to be on time and it’s always been a big issue for me. Tonight I had a special surprise planned for him and I told him to be at my place by 8pm at the very latest. It’s 8:15 and he hasn’t left his house, it’s a 20 minute drive. I’m so upset and I don’t even want to do it anymore. My mom thinks I’m overreacting because I know he struggles with time and I shouldn’t ruin my night over it but I really can’t help my emotions and I wonder if OCD makes me overreact. I know I do tend to be overly sensitive and emotional and I’ve heard OCD can contribute to that. I don’t want to treat him unfairly but cancelling the plans I had but I’m really upset. So is it OCD and I’m overreacting or is it a valid response to his actions.

how do you guys explain ocd to your parents or to someone your close to? i recently started therapy and my parents are supportive, but they just don’t understand what ocd is. i try telling them what it is- but they don’t seem to get it. is this just something that people don’t understand unless they experience it themselves?

And I’m really really worried. As soon as he took it and he smiled at me even though I enjoyed it I was freaking out. Because what if it does work out but then he finds out about my mental illness and uses it against me? What if my pocd thoughts aren’t thoughts they are a reality and I find out I’m not attracted to him? What if we are doing great and we start to have sex but I can’t focus because of my pocd? A large part of me is hoping that he doesn’t call me and just tosses the paper away I feel like I made a mistake.

What's the best way to stop rumination?

I just don't know anymore like the false attractions feel too real and believable it's hard to sit with them to make me see it's not real when they appear on people I know and strangers. I know I don't consciously want it but maybe something deep down I'm not in control does. I hate feeling this way.