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Guys, why do we value life? What keeps you going despite misery? I feel like I should just give up.

I have been to SOOOO many therapist been on SOOOO many meds NOTHING WORKS IM SO SICK OF OCD RUINING EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE

I can’t stop thinking about a time the thoight of cheating crossed my mind at a party and I was like “no it’s against my morals” and then started ruminating about it for hours thinking that maybe I should break up with my partner if I’m attracted to someone else I was cold and didn’t talk to the person the whole time ofc (I don’t really know them I just saw them that one time and they were hitting on me - which I rudely rejected and said I had a bf) I feel terrible. I feel like a cheater. I’ve been told I’m not but why do I still feel like I am? I feel like I betrayed my partner and I feel terrible and disgusting to the point I’ve been cutting myself.

Does anyone interpret communication in a certain way and then become unsure if it means what they interpreted? And then don't even know how to interpret it at all? Like ok, if I put my negative thoughts aside but then I don't know what it normally means. And you do need to understand some meaning from conversations or other social cues to survive. What to do in such a situation?

I feel like I have reached rock bottom. In March of this year, I started having crawler sensation on my legs (you know the feeling of cramps or ants after crossing your legs for a long time? That feeling except I wouldn't have my legs crossed and it seemed like I would get it for no reason) and it would be one leg and then be the other (switch). Then I was having muscle twitches on my feet, legs, hands, just throughout my body, and even my tongue. Muscle contractions, and weakness at times even up to this point. I get shaky, especially in the mornings, and my heart beats so fast when I get up or do any sort of minor exercise or walk. I went to a Neurologist back in May of this year, after having gone to so many specialists from August 2022 - April 2023 (bc I went on a doctor visit spree after I was hospitalized for low platelets last year August). They had determined the low platelets were due to a viral infection that attacked them after doing all sorts of blood work and even an ANA test that checks for autoimmune disorders (which all came back clear). However, before I had a visit with a Blood doctor (the visit was a week after I was released from hospital) to clear me of cancer, I was constantly having panic attacks, every day by the minute it seemed, thinking I might die. Fast forward to now, my neurologist did a physical examination and had me get a brain and cervical MRI (done in late June) which all came back clear and he told me I don't have ALS but I still am feeling this sense of doom. I read on Google that 40 percent of ALS patients do not get diagnosed until 9-12 months into their symptoms or get diagnosed for something else and since I went to a neurologist 2 months into my symptoms, I started to break. I break down my hardest when I think about my daughter who is 2 and the baby I am currently carrying and how I do not want to leave them without a mother. I don't know what I would do if I had ALS, it would definitely be the end of my world and I don't think I could survive a day with it if I knew I had it. Last night, as I lay in bed, there would be moments where it felt like my throat closed and my tongue went into my throat, I was shaking everywhere, even my tongue, my heart was beating faster than I ever felt it, and I was feeling weak and whenever I felt a glimpse of falling asleep I would jolt back up. I cried so uncontrollably and so hard. Throughout yesterday though, I had been checking on my swallowing by purposely doing it, and on a few occasions, I had trouble doing so and freaked out. I have a horrible feeling of swallowing now that it is hard for me to even eat. My husband and everybody else have sworn on everything that I do not have it and even the neurologist told me I don't have it and that it's so rare and he diagnoses it like once every 5 years. Despite that, nothing can convince me. Today, my husband says last night, was a panic attack but I keep thinking it is something greater. It has come to the point where I don't know if it is OCD, ANXIETY, or Reality that it might be another illness that's terminal. How do I cope with this, how do I move forward without having a panic attack every second of the day? I have not felt this lost and this urge to have to say goodbye to the people I love (it feels like I have to). How do I not think about my daughter and cry everytime I think I would leave her behind?

we should just rename ocd at this point and then them have the term. i'm so tired of hearing "im so ocd because im a virgo" or "im so ocd because i can't have wrinkles in my shirt". I can't even tell them that's not what it is because they will start defending the fact that they have it and that is what ocd is.

My girlfriend and I just moved into a new place and for the first few days I was having multiple breakdowns a day because I feel like I don’t deserve our new apartment (or her). This caused an emotional conversation where she cried and expressed that she just wanted to be excited for our new apartment and new life across the country, but she was having trouble balancing that and taking care of me and my poor mental health. I feel so bad. I don’t ever want to make her feel like that. I am awful at resisting confessing and reassurance seeking. I have been trying my best the past few days, and I feel so depressed. Just thoughts of being evil swirling around in my head. Replaying what I’ve done. Thinking about how I’ve ruined my character and tainted our lives. But I am trying my best to keep it to myself and not put it on her. I just don’t know how to live like this. I’m trying my best with my ERP, but it all feels fake because my events were actually horrible. How can this be OCD when any decent person would think I’m a shit human for what I’ve done? How do I stop fearing that I’ve trapped my girlfriend into a relationship with me? I try to do as much as I can for her and to be the best girlfriend I can be NOW, but I feel nothing I do will make up for my completely effed up past. Sorry for venting, it’s just been a really difficult day :(

My therapist, who I am doing ERP with, sometimes uses logic in sessions. She will go on a rabbit hole where she is analyzing my obsessions. It’s like ruminating that I’m witnessing instead of having. Today she pushed topics around meaninglessness and what’s provable in relation to suicide. Two themes I’m Struggling with. Like ‘is it meaningful to be nice to someone who is going to kill themselves’. Its like she is personifying the ocd in my head but then wants me to actually answer Isn’t the point to leave the questions unanswered? And things uncertain?

But I’ve discovered recently, for years like I guess 7 years ago, that I used to be really afraid to touch things like a person without ocd would just existing in the moment, and I tried to fix it back then and my mum tried to help but what I ended up doing which I wasn’t really aware of was, the things that I want to just reach out and touch without a thought naturally, ocd would come in and say to be afraid of that, and so what I ended up doing was instead of touching that thing that back then I would clean or keep clean and dirty things apart, I’d vear off from that touch that I wanted to do naturally, and still interacting with what I wanted to do but didn’t try do it how I wanted to naturally, for years I didn’t realise I haven’t been moving how I want to naturally and it would leave me not stressing about what I’m panicking about of contamination, and now I’m trying to move back towards it and going back into the panic this one feels weird cause ocd really hates this, and kind of impacts my life choosing to go back to it I know that running away from it isn’t good so that’s why I’m choosing to but it feels so much easier living life that way but it’s also sad cause that’s not me living life that way but this one’s so hard to fight and it’s everywhere I touch like what do i do? I know I need to do erp but I also don’t have a stable income/ enough to get an ocd therapist and I don’t want to have this But I also feel like moving back towards it is going to make my life harder than how it is now vearing off it’s not as impactful if I go back to it I might go back into cleaning and washing and reassurance and keeping things seperate and not focusing on my life around me

I just received an OCD diagnosis this morning during my first session with NOCD, and my husband walked in right at the end of my session. I hadn’t told him that I was seeking therapy because a lot of my intrusive thoughts are doubts about our relationship and my sexuality, and I don’t want to upset him by sharing intrusive thoughts that aren’t based in reality. I think deep down, I know that what I’m thinking and feeling isn’t based on desires that I want to act on, but if I were in his shoes, hearing that I had doubts about our marriage (real or not), would be upsetting. Does anyone have advice about speaking to your partner about relationship OCD?

Oh, so I know that Harm Ocd targetted my family (grandma, little siblings) and my pets. I never ever been into violence before, I didn't enjoy watching horror movies or the news were just not interest for me because all they talked about was people getting killed and it ruined my mood. I would say my Harm Ocd often makes me feel like I want to kill (which is scaring me to death), after that I somehow calm myself down but after a few minutes my mind show images of my family and pets being killed by me and it gives me a feeling or though (I am not sure) in which leads me to believe it is satisying and that I want to do it. Everyday is the same and I am bothered I can't enjoy anything. Whenever I see something sharp on the kitchen table or tv shows my mind says "that would look good on someone's neck/chest/back" I am really afraid that I think like a psychopath... Also, I can't remember the love I have for my family and pets and I see them like objects (that's also scary), like it would be so easy to kill them. Please, help again 'cause I am really afraid I won't become what I hate the most.. Is it normal for Harm Ocd?

I never had romantic feelings for same gender, since ocd started feelings for women have diminished quite a lot and some of them have disappeared. I'm struggling a lot with these because now if a romantic song shows and I picture a man with me it feels like I get those romantic feelings I had for women, there are feelings I don't even remember if I had for women because I've been numb for so long that I can't quite remember. What happens next is that after I stop fearing it exposing to it long enough I stop feeling them for men. But why would I even feel them in the first place? And is it possible to feel stuff with men in your thoughts that you never felt before for opposite gender because of ocd?

Why the things other people say doesnt help with my emotions? It actually makes me feel worse, im becoming angrier and ocd just makes the emotions worse, it creates more stories about why i feel that emotion and its impossible to let it be or see what is the problem, why i feel how i feel. This had be a problem now. These times i try to ignore it but then thats a problem too cause ignoring things makes them worse so im afraid of that too...and i feel like it did cause ive feel the same everyday... but sometimes i feel like i have to ignore the feelings cause theres no point to give so much power to that like when i have a thought about something that didnt happened yet, like losing a love one, i get sad but i realize theres no point cause i have to focus on the now, but then i ignore it and it gets worse and worse? Then i try the kind method to be kind to myself and then i feel depressed and i get lost in those thoughts and ocd gets worse, all because i let myself feel depressed about a made up story... Same about daydreaming, it can be a bad thing but sometimes i find positive things about that. But theres the times when i make a story that i dont like and makes me worry or sad and then i cant get the emotion to go away, i try to ignore it but it gets worse...then all i just hear is these emotional regulation things, to understand your emotions and be kind to them and it gets me angry cause i know my emotion is made up. Theres no point to think why i feel this, why it made me feel bad, trust me i did that in the past and i made up so many problems,like i have trauma,im a bad person,and just makes me feel like theres no good on trying to know your emotions... like now too, the more i try to let them be and learn about them the more i feel like theres a problem and anxiety gets worse so i can never show my brain that emotions arent bad cause if i ignore it i show that its bad, and if i deal with it then ocd makes it so bad that my mind will get anxious over them...

i am in DEEP crisis right now. recently my theme is the fear i will come into ill_gal content without knowing and i will go to jail. this has led me to compulsively research on reddit stories of this happening to other people. due to this in the BODY PARAGRAPHS or HEADLINES of reddit threads i click on, the word c_ in VARIOUS FORMS appears (note: no CONTENT, just the word itself) note that none of my SEARCHES contain this word, but i am not sure it even makes a difference ik that reddit and google are different however my accounts are connected and i’m sure they have systems in place to scan for key words such as c* (pls no one write out the actual word in the comments) what is even worse is that one of my collisions is browsing the r / agajnstdegeneratesubs shbreddit, where users report ill*gal subreddits, social media accs, etc. i have NEVER GONE TO ANY OF THESE OBVIOUSLY it’s just a compulsion as it comforts me knowing that sometimes ppl r exposed to this material without intention however i saw a post that triggered me so badly from a police officer where they look for patterns in repeated searching to start investigations on people and now i am EXTREMELY TERRIFIED THAT THIS IS ME as my (not my search history, but the threads i’ve read) look weird when looked out outside of the context of ocd my paranoia is in full force and i’m 1000% sure now i am on a w_tch list and have an active investigation against me 😭😭😭😭😭😭 i have so many ppl and things i love in my life and i don’t want to lost them i don’t know what to do anymore i feel like i have no options left and i’m crying and shaking all day

Hey- so I’ve had a rather rocky relationship with God and I’ve always been back and forth but in the darkest times of my life, I have tried to turn to God for consolation. But long before I discovered NOCD, I had a very disturbing cycle of OCD situations for months on end of waking up in the middle of night and calling my pastor/ youth counselor trying to clarify if I had committed the unforgivable sin. Because I have had such an up-and-down relationship with God and going astray so often and all of that- I worried that because it felt like I was being struck by a demon trying to urge me to say (I didn’t say out loud but like a low, inaudible mumble in my mouth) “saying” that God was the opposite of what He is… ever since then I’ve struggled with that moment so much and in that moment, it didn’t feel like I 100% cared about doing it. Because I had been constantly plagued with these obsessive thoughts for so long and didn’t understand what they were, I gave in cause I was exhausted from battling it for so long but it didn’t come out like how it’s described in the Bible…. Idk. I just hate myself thinking about it because I have always been one to skid along boundaries so I feel like it was mocking God because I was angry and it just fills me with fear, upset and panic… I remember feeling so terrified and the physical sensation like my chest was burning and I just felt like I was empty… has anyone else ever gone so far in their OCD that they wondered if they could ever come back?

I feel weird. I love mg boyfriend but when we hang out my head is like, wouldn't it be better if he was a female, or if you'd kiss a girl would you like it better. And I wouldn't but it feels like I would like it if he was a girl but I don't becouse I love him. I really feel like I'm lying to myself about my sexuality that I'm not really straight but I am sure that I am. I cant imagine having a girlfriend or kissing a woman. But I fear that I'm just denying my same-sex attraction wich I know I'm not. I watched so much Wlw content, lesbian thirst traps and felt like I needed to feel something but I didn't fell anything except a sense of contentment that I wasn't getting aroused. I tried telling myself that Im lesbian and everyone would accept me and love me the same even if I would have a girlfriend but it doesnt feel right with a girlfriend. I feel so confused.... Even if I try to convince myself that Im not straight I know I'm lying. I just want certainty. Bisexual doesn't fit becouse I feel no sexual attraction to woman and a romantic on also not really. Then when I feel some sort of "attraction" to woman it's just so much anxiety and doesn't feel right. Like I know its not true that I'm lesbian. I fear that maybe I am just to scared to come out to myself wich I know I m not. I really want my boyfriend. I just want certainty.

How do you guys stop the rumination or get past the feeling of wanting to keep obsessing or thinking about the obsession? I feel like this is what is keeping my in the loop rn.

i’ve been scared of going out to new places because i’m scared of dissociating and having anxiety- im obsessive over the thought of becoming anxious so i avoid anything that can possibly make me anxious and i’m missing out on key parts in my life- like making memories with my partner, going out to new places, being outside on beautiful days, losing money from calling out of work, and canceling on important plans due to me avoiding this anxiety i’m obsessed with keeping away. it’s a brutal process. i feel crippled and stuck inside at all times.

I don't really have anyone close to me that i can talk about this with so i just want to have somewhere where no one knows me and I can talk and be consoled by people who understand. I have terrible relationship OCD and constantly fear the worst and imagine things that could end my relationship. We have our issues but we work through them best we can and try to stick together. My girlfriend had a best friend she's known for like 8 years. I have always felt extremely jealous of her because of this. I know it's ridiculous and it doesn't matter how long you've known someone. I just am so jealous because i feel like this best friend is a good person and that i am not. And my girlfriend is going to realize i am a bad person and leave me for her friend. (we are a gay couple) Yesterday me and her friend got into a bit of an argument over something that we disagreed on. We decided to just end it, but later she DMed me calmly and tried to explain that she didn't appreciate how i talked to her. I absolutely went ballistic and blew up at her. Swearing, mean names, aggression, not listening. It was horrible and I feel like a truly am a horrible person for acting this way. It sucks because we had been getting along fine and i thought i was finally past the jealousy. But now it's just 10 times worse. I am spiraling, all i can imagine is my girlfriend leaving me. We have talked and it's simmered down but i can't stop thinking about what happened and how i behaved and i feel so guilty. I apologized profusely and explained how i felt and how i acted was wrong. The friend doesn't have to forgive me but now i know she is saying bad things about me to my girlfriend. I just can't stop thinking and worrying about my girlfriend breaking up with me because she discovered the truth about what a terrible person i am. I have felt suicidal over this but then i feel like an even worse person because i am guilt tripping people by being upset. What do I do? How can i calm the racing thoughts? My brain is so attached to the idea that i'm a bad person and everything i do just proves it. I keep switching from sobbing my eyes out to feeling deep rage because my girlfriend might care more about her friend than me. Deep down i know it's not true and feeling that way is having a really bad impact on my relationship. I want to stop feeling like this. Its so tiring. I cant believe how i behaved... i wish i could go back and have never said anything at all

how do i deal with this ? thoughts that can be true. i try to ignore it or say “it can be” but it makes me sick to my stomach and the feeling doesn’t go away . ever