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the NOCD Community

I’ve posted recently about how my boyfriend Is on a trip for the weekend and I’m really struggling with him gone. I don’t want to be toxic or controlling but I’m having a hard time and wanted him to text me updates about what he’s doing. Im upset he isn’t texting me updates but im not going to tell him because I don’t wanna be toxic and I just am curious of any advice to get more comfortable with him being away and anything to distract me or how to handle it. Me and my ex broke up a few months after he went on a trip and ghosted me for a week (and things went downhill from there) so it might have something to do with that. But anyways a big obsession of mine is worrying that im manipulative or toxic or too hard on him/have too high of expectations (because my same ex couldn’t live up to my standards so I broke up w him) and my mom sometimes makes me feel like I’m too hard on him so how can I avoid doing something that could make him feel bad or like I’m too clingy but also calming myself down. Sorry that was so long winded lol. Any advice helps!

Quick question. Does anyone find that alcohol makes intrusive thoughts/urges seem more... real? If that makes sense? Or more intense? I know alcohol affects your mentality. But I don't know much on what impact it has on ocd. Just looking for info.

I recently found out that I have POCD. I have always been scared that I am attracted to children and have successfully blocked these thoughts out my entire life, occasionally having intrusive thoughts but verifying that I am not but constantly checking while around children. I believe that this stated when I was about 14, I started experiencing some groinal responses accompanied by distress in regard to sexual orientation and then once when I looked at a baby. My OCD of course tells me that this was not a groinal response but true arousal. In response I distanced myself from children, said I would never have children, and slowly just forgot that it occurred. Since then I have worked as a nurse with children and never experienced anything like that so I thought I must be safe. I recently had a miscarriage, and I was in the park and was looking at some children and started experiencing the groinal response. This was so startling and so distressing. I was so confused and my brain kept trying to figure out what was going on because I haven’t felt like that since I was 14. I didn’t want to google it because I thought I would be sent to prison. I was suicidal for a few days, didn’t know what to do, seeked reassurance for the first time in my husband and mum and then finally googled it and found out about POCD and the groinal response. This gave me reassurance and I was fine for a couple of days, but then thoughts about that experience when I was 14 and questions about true arousal vs groinal response stated to come out and freak me out. I live in a small down and am currently seeing a psychologist, hasn’t been for OCD but now I think I know where these thoughts are coming from. My appointment isn’t for another week and I don’t know what to do. I have been trying to use the uncertainty “maybe, maybe not” technique, but find myself constantly feeling anxious and seeking reassurance from the videos throughout the day that I am definitely doing the right things. I am unable to shut my thoughts up constantly saying maybe maybe not in my head and I don’t know what to do. I know I am experiencing some disassociation, I am unable to be present with my partner and I constantly feel like I’m spiralling. This is my second OCD spiral post the miscarriage, the first was of a different context. I just want to be present, in the moment, and accept the thoughts as they come but I am unsure how to do this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I am supposed to be going on holidays starting tomorrow and I don’t want to bring this with me.

Currently questioning why God choose to label as “evil” certain things. It makes me feel like I am trying to find my thoughts to be okay and that is scary but it feels so real. This does not seem like OCD anymore 😖😖. I can’t remember who I was before OCD.

Hey guys, I’m really suffering right now. I’m not trying to promote a victim mentality or any of that so… I’m trying to let my thoughts go because my intrusive thoughts and obsessions revolve around the unforgivable sin and for some reason in my head I have horrible blasphemous thoughts on repeat that sometimes are not prompted (meaning triggered) and they absolutely violate my being. It isn’t a new problem for me but I feel like it’s evolved into ME not being able to think the name “Holy Spirit” without something vile or nasty coming out of my mind. Or it even at this point feels like my heart. It’s horrible. I went to a women’s retreat today and as we were talking about being “born again” I was TRIGGERED. I came in feeling like a child of God but the more these thoughts I had took place the more I felt like it wasn’t possible for me to be. I said it’s not new but I have a really hard time believing that it’s not my fault. Can anyone relate to thoughts feeling like they are 100% yours and that you are responsible? It’s completely messed up the dialogue in my mind it’s like I can’t speak in it anymore unless it’s blasphemy. I feel scared, but I know that God is working. Any encouragement or… thoughts?

TW Real event bullieng. I hurt someone in the past. It was 15 years ago at school: I called someone fat when I was 12 and was mean to her for about 2 weeks with other classmates. And I obsess about it 24/7 for 4 years constantly, its my real event OCD (I have every subtype). Me myself has an eating disorder and Im SO ANGRY at myself that i said that back then, i do not allow myself to get help for my eating disorder because of this. I punish myself physically and mentally every day for this. I call it bullying what i did and i cant read anything about it. I havent been nice to myself for 4 years since my obsession started. Tomorrow Ill send her a text to say sorry. I dont know if this is a compulsion, since its years ago. I think I should allow myself to be kind to myself after all these years, but I cant, I still think i deserve hell for this happening 15 years ago. After ruminating and not sleeping for weeks in a row now again, Im empty and cant think straight anymore. Reading how "being bullied" can hurt someone so bad, it even makes me throw up. Im so afraid I hurt someone that bad (i have moral ocd aswell and harm obsessions etc.). Can i allow myself to say: I did this, I was a child everyone makes mistakes, its okay? Because i feel like I do not deserve this at all. I try not to look for reassurance but after all these years, not talking about it with anyone and trying to figger it all out by myself, I need some imput from others, im so tired, it ruined my life, I need you guys.

Does it happen to anyone else that you have thoughts that you don't mean to have, that do not really represent your morals, such as even racist slurs, even things that are offensive to people with conditions and disabilities, and feel like the worst person for it? It happens to me very suddenly, and i hate myself for it. I feel like i'm someone terrible and that it's really something i believe but i don't realize it or i don't express it.

Why does it feel like i could do it or like that i want to do it but im pretty sure i dont

Okay so there has been something I have been worrying about, about myself that I dont know if it’s true or not but I know I don’t want it to be true so I asked god to give me a sign that what I’m worrying about isn’t true cause it is terrifying me I mean worrying me from the time I get up to the time I go to bed it’s horrible anyways I keep seeing stuff when watching tv that I’m worrying is the signs but it’s not signs like I asked for what I’ve seen and heard is sounds similar to what I’m not wanting it to be and I don’t want it to be true so I’m scared that, that is the signs from god but if it is then he’s worrying me cause I asked for it not to be true and if that’s the signs then that would be telling me what I’m worrying about is true and I don’t want it to be all I asked for was a sign for it to not be true and now after hearing all that I’m scared he’s telling me that it is true and it just has my anxiety Bad and I can’t stop worrying about it sorry it’s hard to explain but I had to ask someone cause I can’t tell

so i understand the idea of ERP for most types of OCD but i just don’t get how it could work with the health OCD that i experience. most of the time when i’m getting anxious it’s over the thought of having something wrong with me that’s an immediate emergency like a heart attack. if i give in to those thoughts and tell myself that i am having a heart attack would that not just force me to take myself to the emergency room as it’s a matter of life and death? maybe i’m a bit confused about ERP or something but from what i’ve read it seems to just involve accepting the worst case scenario. i can’t seem to understand how that would work when your worst case scenario is a medical emergency that requires immediate attention

Does anyone have this theme related to driving? I constantly have to look back when driving which is dangerous as I’m not focused on what’s ahead. I do this when I pass people on the sidewalk, if they are pulled over and outside their car on the side of the road, or even if I just pass a parked car. It’s like I don’t trust them or myself. It’s so exhausting, especially when I have an hour drive to and from work each day. Also does anyone get really sensitive with relationships? Yesterday my friend upset me as she hasn’t been responding to my texts for awhile. Granted she has 4 kids and is busy. But everyone has time to respond to a text. It takes a second. Long story short, I kinda called her out in a nice way and said wasn’t sure if you weren’t getting my texts because I haven’t heard from you the past few times lol. She responded about the plans I mentioned and then said, you know I have 4 kids and they are all involved in things. And we had a funeral out of town last week. Just living my life girl. I took that hard as it just felt like a jag at me. I wasn’t being mean. I just don’t feel like she puts in any effort and I always do. Regardless if she has kids or not. Can be upsetting. Am I in the wrong or would this upset you too? What about her comment?

Okay, this is gonna be pretty long and stuff so just a warning. I’m gonna kinda split it up. So, yeah. Okay. Idk, if this is gonna make any sense, and this is kind of weird, but do you — or like, your intrusive thoughts — ever like “force” — you — yourself to do something sometimes, and like “feel”. Okay, so for example, my whole life, I’ve never really been interested in “dating” and stuff, because it just didn’t make sense to me and because of certain stuff, and blah blah blah, but like when I was a bit younger, I’d get like these “intrusive thoughts” about like “dating” people and whatever, and usually it would be fine, but sometimes I felt like I would start to “act” a certain way or whatever, and start to “do” and “think” things for “attention” even if I wasn’t, and I would like act weird, and “go against” everything I want. Idk. Like, if I thought somebody liked me, or if I just had an intrusive thought about dating stuff, I’d kind of “force” myself to “like” them — not actually, but I’ll explain —, because “just ‘cause”, and it’s kind of what my intrusive thoughts told me, but it’s not what *EYE* wanted. Like, every time that happens, if I think someone likes me, etc. even if *EYE* don’t like them, and it’s not what I stand for, blah blah blah, my head will kind of make me feel like “well, say it anyways”, and “say this” and “say that”, blah blah blah, and then I would have these “fake” feelings that I DON’T really feel, and it would get exhausting. I wouldn’t do it all the time, though. I also just thought that it’s what “they” wanted, and I try and “do stuff” for people even if they don’t ask. I just go above and beyond for people, and exhaust myself. Idk why. That’s just how I am. It’s like I’m “overcompensating” also. And not just this; a whole bunch of other stuff too. It’s annoying. Also, I wouldn’t usually always “tell” them per se, but it’s complicated to explain. It was kind of like an “impulsive” compulsion thing. If that makes sense. Like sometimes I’ll just “DO” stuff just because. And it can get exhausting, because I DON’T really want to do that, I’m just “doing” it because I think it’s what “they” and I’m like “why not”, and it’s usually me thinking “but what if?…” blah blah blah. It’s like, I feel like I have to “confess” everything, but even the “not true” stuff. *The rest in the comments*

I think I need a listening ear

I just don’t know what thoughts are legitimate and what is my OCD screaming at me. I either feel like my boyfriend has “red flags” and that I need to leave, or when he demonstrates that he’s a wonderful person, he’s not “the One”/I’m not in love with him enough and I also need to leave. Any time I try to celebrate his good qualities, I feel like I’m “gaslighting” myself and I am just trying to justify being with “not the One” because I’m afraid of being alone. I can literally never win. I certainly don’t want to be with the wrong person, but I don’t know how to distinguish whether my boyfriend is wrong for me or if my ROCD is flaring.

And I think I was always wrong about who I thought I was. I don't see how it's possible these feelings can only be OCD and not me resisting my real self. Heart stuff, real like arousal, false attraction but feels like a pull at times so I don't know how OCD can cause that, fear of not being able to perform or be hard enough for a woman.

I’m so scared that all these thoughts and obsessions with follow me into adult hood. I’ve already had these thoughts and worries for years now, and I’m only 14. I don’t want to live a life constantly worrying about being a good person, or having those most disgusting intrusive thoughts. I have been trying so hard to accept these thoughts, but I just feel like bad person. They come way too easily to me, and I feel like if I don’t get a wave of fear when I get those thoughts, it makes me a monster.

I’m really mad at myself right now. I broke up with my boyfriend again. We just fixed our almost breakup not even 3 weeks ago and I’ve already spiraled. My feelings were confusing me. I couldn’t tell if I loved him if there was someone els for me, was I really in love with him, do I want to break up. Over and over again. I’ve ruined this. And I’ve told him I don’t want to breakup but that doesn’t even feel true. He’s so good to me and gentle and patient and he loves better than anyone has. He’s the most beautiful person. And I feel like I’m ruining him. I want to be happy with him again but I also feels like it’s best for him to leave now. Because I can’t promise to be okay still. He said he needs time and space to be with his friends he already said that he doesn’t want to breakup but that he feels it’s the most necessary thing to do. He knows I have ocd but doesn’t actually understand what that is or what it looks like. Sometimes I feel wrong when I say it’s my ocd, like “no it’s not. This is just your feelings and who you are.” He was the best boyfriend but I feel like and ungrateful monster standing next to him. He doesn’t deserve this. I love him even when I struggle to know if I’m in love with him. But I just can’t seem to make my life better. I feel like I should just be alone again. I wish I was different. I wish I could know 100% I wish I would never doubt.

Have struggled a little with OCD this week. Thought we could share some good quotes for motivation :)

Been diagnosed with ocd for about 25 years. It seems to be triggered by separation from my loved ones. For example, when I was little, I went to summer camp for the first time and started getting intrusive thoughts about harming my Mom, who I am very close too. The next summer, the same thing happened. The thoughts were very specific about different ways I would hurt her and they made me so afraid. I’ve had other themes throughout the years (contamination, fear of psychosis, etc..) but this time I am dealing with the harm ocd again. In April, I went through a major career change. Some people at my new career started talking about how I will be away from my young children a lot and I got so depressed. From there, Harm OCD developed towards my kids. But this time my intrusive thoughts are not specific I, it's just like a constant thought that I want to harm them and I don't love them. I am not experiencing joy anymore around them and I hope it's just because l'm so depressed and because my intrusive thought is centered around them and it's hard to be happy with that in my head. It just feels so real and I am so scared that this isn't OCD and I am really feeling this way and that I will or want to urt them. It's like my head is telling me that this isn't CD. 5 months ago I was the nicest and loving Father, nd now I am anxious, sad, and scared that this isn't OCD. hat I am stuck like this. I'm scared. Is there anyone that has experience with anything like this?

I am struggling so bad with relationship ocd. I am so scared and filled with anxiety. I just wanna talk to someone who also deals with this 😞