Anyone with OCD dealing with active narcissists ?
My father is a Virgo male with narcissistic tendencies. Manipulative, lies, & contradicts him self everyday. He does this with not only myself, but anyone he can step on [anyone who allows him to step on them?].
It can be difficult when I forget that he has this narcissistic personality. This is because he shields đĄď¸ his ego with âEnlightenmentâ âConsiousnessâ âAcceptanceâ and âSilenceâ yet he is only âtryingâ to replicate these beautiful words, in turn falsifying and rotting them into an egotists paradise.
I know itâs gone way too far when he starts calling Me Mom. Or says Iâm like his mama. Then he repeats âmy mommyâ. Iâm his daughter, not his mom. But since I cater to him [people pleasing tendencies due to fear of his passing away which he has threatened multiple times, and still does] he continues his own cycles đ of hurting people mentally, explaining why they are crazy or doing something wrong [gaslighting], then apologizing and love bombing [so youâll forget and do something he wants to do, that he just rememberedđšđľâđŤ] Confusing and consuming if I do say so my self.
I understand he misses his mama.. which hits me right in the chest, so then I continue catering to him [folding his clothes perfectly, getting him anything he needs, washing dishes, cleaning, going along with his desires, and putting him first instead of my self, to the point where I donât eat or drink], but then the cycle begins and he starts putting me down, making me feel lesser, and raising his voice and tone to create fear in the situation. This in turn makes me anxious, which he knows, then my breathing feels restricted and I hold my breathe at times without realizing.
Because I was raised by him and my mother separate from each other (divorced) I tend to people please towards him. I could understand people pleasing developed as a child because I wanted his attention, but I didnât end up receiving much due to his job and emotional unavailability and unawareness. He would replace his emotional availability with toys and such to distract me but these things never brought happiness, just a gaping hole đłď¸ of emptiness. Nevertheless I will always be grateful for him and his lifeâs work, for he has done well.
Again.. Iâm his daughter, not his mom. And this hurts me in my soul core and uterus, sorry to be specific, because my parents have been divorced since my 4 years of age. Which made me want a mama in my household doing what mamas do, but the girls he brought in the house were only there because they wanted someone to marry, wanted money, or thought they might get something out of it, and that may be because, who in their right mind would willingly want to live a life and create a family with a mentally abusive and twisted narcissist.
He doesnât enjoy being alone with himself as well. Itâs actually quite difficult for him, although he denies it. But you could ask any of his close friends and theyâll tell you, yea heâs out somewhere doing something with someone. Maybe heâs not happy with himself so heâs trying to keep himself distracted⌠but I donât want to be like that.. I donât want to become my father.. and I donât need to because he is him, and I am me. We are so beautiful. Such beautiful beings able to live and create in this bittersweet world đ I will live life with Love â¤ď¸ Moving with light đ and when faced with ego, hardship, and unconsciousness đłď¸, WE WILL MAKE IT THROUGHđâ¤ď¸âđŠš
