Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Does anyone have the problem where when they try to expose themselves to something scary, it doesn’t feel scary? Like if I know that I’m trying to do ERP, I don’t actually get scared. How do I get past this?

Sometimes I ”hurt” my pets without wanting it, my body would move on its own and like I would push my cat with my foot a bit too hard or squeezing them a bit too hard while picking them up or stuff like that, and I’d be immediately filled with guilt afterwards, stoping immediatly after I realise what I was doing to them, then I would give them treats or pet them for a while to make up for it. This doesn’t cut it anymore, I can’t just allow myself to enjoy life and spend time talking or playing with friends and not addressing this issue, so I think the solution to make my brain understand it’s not ok to do those things is to delete my savefiles in those games, prevent myself from seeing or talking to my friends, I need to hurt myself emotionally, to deprive myself frm thi gs that make me happy, so that I can give my brain a lesson. The other day I failed in asking my teacher to go back home so that I could remove an extinguisher from the closet which could have fallen on my pets, I tried to call my parents to do it to no avail, I could have just asked my teacher, even if he refused at least I would have done the best I could, but I didn’t, out of malicious intent or just because I didn’t want to bring the attention on me during class, I will never know... And that’s why I need to hurt myself.

I’m having lots of trouble because of hocd and the thoughts starting in the past before I knew what ocd was and also being religious and thinking that I just didn’t want to accept i was bi. There are so many signs it feels like but I really never wanted to date a girl. Just had thoughts about them and got freaked out but was it bc of hocd or religion and it being seen as wrong. Oh my gosh this is horrible. I feel like no one else has this problem and I should just quit thinking it’s ocd (even though I’ve strongly had ocd about other things and I am diagnosed w it) and just accept it and that it’s what I’ve wanted all along

So, I’m doing an art project and I chose the theme to be ocd. I have some questions here if you don’t mind to answer. Thank you! I need at least six people for this interview. Question 1: what did people think of you when you told them you have ocd/ your ocd thoughts? 2: what did you learn or lose from your ocd experience? 3: what is the most stressful/difficult thing for you when dealing with ocd 4: what do you hold for the future?

Hello, I’m Valentino, I use they/them pronouns just for a heads up, I would want to say that I’ve been struggling with my ocd for a while now and having ADHD and high functioning ASD does not help at all, along with depression. These things have caused a whole lot of stress to my life along with the fact I can’t clean my room at all which spiked my depression. My depression has gotten to a point before where SH was involved but I’m doing better now, but I’m mainly struggling with my room due to me being neurodivergent. I cannot for the life of me anymore to clean my room, and it’s like triggering my ocd, BUT I have no idea where to start cleaning or what to do anymore and I really need tips, so that way I could get my room and ocd in control, I’m so sorry for this being like my first post and I’m already asking for help, but if I could get tips for my room it would be very much so appreciated 🙏 Please have a wonderful day or night.

My biggest thing with having so-ocd is that while I understand not ruminating and accepting that the thoughts are there and not analyzing them, I am confused because on the other hand, analyzing and reflecting on how you feel is typically a way to check in with yourself and see what you desire. How am I supposed to do both? The concept of comphet is rattling my brain and I now I question if my lack of dating is because I simply have relationship anxiety (which is what I have thought my entire life) or if it was comphet all along and I have been a lesbian all along just lying to myself. I’ve read NOCD’s own article on the comparison and similarity of both comphet and so-ocd. And I understand that they only wish to inform, never assure, I see no difference between comphet and so-ocd. Just that one is a mental illness and the other societal pressures. They seem to cause the same effects, it just depends on the origin. Yet you can have both at the same time? I want to know if I have been blind my entire life to my true desires. How to go on in life and go after a partner I could actually be happy with. If I can heal and be with a man and love a man like I have (at least thought) I have wanted my entire life. Or if I am a lesbian and must accept that I am broken by society and so wrongly hardwired that I now need to deprogram myself and be with a woman because that is what I actually want and the only way I can be happy. I’m sorry this is so long. No one needs to truly read it, I am not looking for reassurance. I just really needed to vent. Mag we all become free of our anxieties one day❤️

This is the first time I think of suicide like this, I’m so tired of OCD and DPDR, seeing everyone getting along together while I can’t even get in touch with my true self, I really miss my true self and I can’t handle things anymore, I’m so triggered, sensitive, and tired of everything, and the worst thing is that I’ve always kept my mental illness secret from others and always trying my best to not show it and fake a good mentality just so I don’t get labelled as “insane” , I’m so tired of trying to calm things down and the voices in my head won’t leave me alone, I’m seriously thinking that the only solution is to take my own life and it’s making me so sad that I had to go through this and think this way, my life is miserable

So, this may not be everyone’s cup of tea. But eight years ago after getting out of the military. I was very ill, my walking around weight now is 219-225 I love food. At that time I was 159 I thought I had cancer I couldn’t keep food down. I spent more time going to that bathroom than living. The VA thought it would be good to put me on muscle relaxers, it did the opposite affect. It made me worse almost to the point where I almost lost control and took my own life. Fast forward eight years later and the fear of losing control is what is consistently on my mind. I do rituals to make sure the door is locked, I have to watch my groceries at all times because I feel like someone might poison me. I have to put my clothes on a certain way or else I feel like I might lose control. So, this is my life right now I had my first appointment today and I can feel some light at the end of the tunnel. I know erp therapy is going to be rough. But I just want my life back. To all suffering from this terrible thing called ocd keep fighting and turn to God, it really does help me when the anxiety kicks up. Love you all and remember the valley is only temporary and the sun shines brightest at the peak. Don’t give up.

so back in july i made a mistake of going behind my partner’s back and hanging out with an old guy friend (who i had a romantic past with) and while i was hanging out with him i had a great time but man my thoughts were going crazy. i found him attractive, funny, etc. i’ve known him for years and everytime we would talk i felt there was some type of tension. like romantic or something. well i felt it again when we hung out and immediately regretted it because i know i love my boyfriend a lot and i felt like a horrible person for doing something like that. i couldn’t hide it from him any longer than i did (not even 3 days) so i told him and he got really upset. at the time i didn’t know what i want, either my boyfriend or that friend. i decided to stay with my boyfriend and ever since i’ve been getting crazy intrusive thoughts about my old friend (i blocked him so i don’t have contact with him). a few months later (now) i know that i want and love my boyfriend, i don’t want to be with anyone else. but i’ve been getting so many intrusive thoughts about that guy and seeing certain posts just remind me of him even when i don’t want them to. then my brain starts to spiral - ‘what if you actually want to be with him instead and you’re just in denial right now’ or something like ‘you dont love your boyfriend, if you did you wouldnt be having these thoughts’ and i’m just so..drained. i’m so tired of thinking about this guy, i seriously don’t want to think about him. i just want to be happy with my boyfriend. i keep telling myself i know what i want, because i do. i want to be with my bf and i want to be happy with him…i love him so much. but my brain just tries to tell me otherwise. i know i messed up and i’m paying the price for it. maybe i do deserve this. i just wish i could erase everything, my past, etc. and just move on. my boyfriend doesn’t hold what i did against me but he’s well aware of what happened and i know how it made him feel. i would do anything to take it back because he doesn’t deserve that, he never did. and i seriously want to be better for him. but these constant thoughts i get are always getting in the way and almost making me feel hopeless. i haven’t told my bf about these thoughts because i’m worried he would take it the wrong way. i really don’t think i should tell him because i know for a fact it would send us both down a spiral and i don’t want that. but, ocd will always try to get what it wants. anyone else going through something similar? some common humanity would probably ease my mind a bit. (in a non-compulsive way. or maybe this is a compulsion. idk.)

There are so many compulsions that involve google! Namely googling for reassurance or certainty. ❤️

Tw please don’t read if in bad headspace I’ve been trying to sit with the thoughts and not argue with them but it just feels real at this point, the thoughts don’t even feel intrusive anymore like they feel like I’m just making them because I want to. I don’t want to be a p. I’ve never wanted to have anything to do with children at all but every thought I have is based around this now. I wish children didn’t exist at this point. I just want to be normal and feel attracted to the people I was attracted to before all this bs began. I’m going to kill myself eventually. P’s shouldn’t exist, anyone who has the intent to hurt children shouldn’t be alive. I’ve only ever wanted to be with people my age why has this happened to me. I’m disgusting and I’m a disappointment to my family. I don’t think I even have ocd anymore it just feels real, I just want to be who I was a few months ago, I don’t deserve my friends or my family because my thoughts are so disgusting. I’m being selfish by not killing myself, it was ocd a few months ago but now I can’t even tell if I’m doing compulsions or have compulsions, this can’t be real I don’t like children I don’t want to be like this. I don’t own my brain or my body anymore, I can’t just allow my thoughts to happen if they’re actually true. People tell me that it’s fine to have thoughts like this because I don’t want them and I don’t want to act on them but even the idea of me being that is revolting. I feel like the scum of the earth, why has my life turned out this way. I’m not attracted to anyone that isn’t appropriate so why does my brain say that I am. It feels so real I’ve reached out to so many people but nobody is able to help and I don’t want to tell them what’s going on in my brain, It’s truly the end for me. I’ve phoned every hotline available and have talked to so many doctors but I’m just disgusting, I would never want to hurt anyone I can’t believe this has happened to me I’m so sorry I’m so sad I can’t deal with the thoughts anymore

I’ve read something referencing conditioning neural pathways. This is where your strengthening, the neural network of what you are thinking about. Am I right in saying the more you ruminate about your past for any mistakes or wrongdoings, you are making your brain come up with more negative thought/images? Meaning your mind will give you real strong feelings, and even thoughts that are not true to fit its narrative? Basically, you’re making yourself come up with thoughts/images in general. They are not real, but they are to you because of the fear and constant thinking, and even mentioning from an outside source.

I have recently found this group and it has been so validating knowing i’m not alone. I experience OCD in my romantic relationships. I have found someone who is everything I want in a partner yet still drown myself in doubts. When I am with them it feels so right yet I get my head thinking “am i even attracted to them” “is this really my person” and then it feels like I should just avoid dating in general because the anxiety of my own thoughts drive me crazy. Im not even sure if I actually have OCD but reading on it made me cry because it described everything I feel. I was on the phone with a friend telling them how I think I may have ROCD and they told me i just haven’t found the right person yet. This drove me even more into the ground because I feel like no one can see what’s happening in my head and it’s so frustrating trying to explain it. When my friend said that it made me spiral again and has been all I can think about. I am struggling to know what thoughts are real or intrusive. Does anyone have any advice or can relate to this? I am going to start therapy to see if I can get a diagnosis but it feels like if I don’t have this I will be so lost. My brain hurts

I know I have to be kind to myself, i just write this down so i can vent cause its frustrating. For half a year of working on ocd recovery and now im back feeling the same, reacting with fear to every thought, every emotion i feel, and i want them to go away, i cant do anything while they are there, and the worse is that i know what i have to do, i need to ignore them, but somehow i cant do it...even that i did it in this half year alot of times... I get desperate and im afraid of thoughts, emotions and becoming depressed, I get frustrated over this, and while i want to focus on my life, I cant enjoy it cause all of this takes away the enjoyment so then i start to rumminate about do i really love these things i do... I had the same reactions before when i didnt know anything about ocd and its a crap feeling that i learned so much things yet i got back here...And i feel stucked... The emotions scaring me and im afraid of these emotions cause if i let them out i will feel depressed and then thats triggers my suicidal ocd and being already tired mentally, its not a good place to get hit by suicidal ocd... i will believe again that im in danger. I know its the fear of falling back and not recovering but if i expose myself to that and say maybe i will not recover then decide to live my life, i start to worry so much to a place where i cant control it and i go to rummination and do everything that just makes me feel worse... its dissapointing... the only thing I can do is to wait and do what i can then i will se where i did something wrong so then i change it. This helped before,but sometimes youre tired of always waiting

I posted on here before about a man who had been emotionally abusing me, I stood up to him and brought up the things that bothered me and he said “I don’t know what you’re talking about, did we have this conversation on the phone? Well you know I can only use what YOU tell me right??” And then talked over me the rest of the conversation. I got up, held my head up high and walked out despite there being tears rolling down my face. I cried silently, and made sure no one ESPECIALLY him saw it. I didn’t want to give him that power. We had other people in the room to help with the conversation, and most of them laughed and said “well she IS growing you know” as if this was nothing more than a teenage girl throwing a tantrum. He had been talked to about it before, and he came and apologized to me and backed off which at first I assumed he was actually sorry. However I overheard him yelling to his group of people saying “I’ve had trouble ever since I’ve been here! I had to apologize and take the blame for something I knew wasn’t my fault! Do you know how hard that is?? I didn’t even do anything wrong!” (He was referring to being reprimanded for the things he was saying to me, and this also comes after i set a boundary with him.) then during the conversation he said “I’ll take the blame I’ll apologize I’ll do this and that even though I didn’t do anything.” Which just confirmed that the apology he had given me was fake, because he never saw a problem with his behavior in the first place. I tried to speak up and advocate for myself, I even put it gently as to not make him think I was attacking him, and it still was my fault on everything. Now I’ve been wondering if I’m really the one who’s the problem, this isn’t a new thing either. For months ever since I met him I’ve been wondering if I’m a narcissist, and my OCD likes to replay that argument and make me wonder if he really was the innocent one and I was the one wrong. He’s admitted to talking to other people that I know, and said that they all thing I’m weak and not capable of something. When I brought that up, he said “I was trying to push you to be the best you can be, but clearly you’re not ready for that.” I just don’t know anymore. I’m so close to just slamming the door on not only him but also the rest of the people who side with him. Can anyone tell me what’s going on? Im not looking for reassurance, I would just like someone who maybe understands why he would do these things. He’s way older than me, I’m 17.

I dont know what to do anymore i feel like my parents and grandparents hate me or find me exhausting i just dont know what to do anymore i have a little sister and i always avoid her and it anonys my parents and grandparents but i cant help it its my natural reaction i feel like this is all my fault i wish i just didn't live anymore.

Hey guys. Looking for my ROCD peeps who have struggled with fixating on past arguments and constantly feeling the need to open that can of worms again and figure it out. Or fixating on your partners flaws. How did you do it?

i hate myself so much and i wish i was different. i know why people don't like me. i wish i could just change everything about myself. i should just leave everyone alone.

PLEASE HELP Since this one night I’ve genuinely felt awful, wake up everyday not wanting to be here unless I find out what happened that night, I feel so guilty of doing it. Basically I walked home drunk and scared of what I’ve done to a female in a male myself, I was intoxicated and am so scared that I flipped out. Because I was a university student at the time I was drinking a lot previously to this and made a few ‘mistakes’ with females prior to this night but having spoken to my housemate a few days before the night about these ‘mistakes’ that made me feel awful, he reassured me and said that it was not as bad as I felt or thought and was part of growing up kinda. I felt awful and then this night happened ever since I’m scared of what I’ve done and because I was intoxicated I don’t know what’s true or not, if I was to be under oath I wouldn’t know what to say. Please help or direct me what to do next I’m so scared.

Hi! I have really bad health ocd. I had joint pains for 2 years I looked up on google and it says its lupus. I got my ANA test done it came out negative but my mind tells me that the lab results are false. I got another symptom of that disease also I am terrified. The doctors did blood test and WBC and pcr were a bit higher. I don't know what to do . I know diagnosing oneself from google is a ridicilous thing but I have read stories where people have diagnose themselves correctly. Does anyone think that my thoughts are correct.