Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Can hocd actually make you feel like you ga?

So today while I was talking to myself, sometimes I do this, my mind said something like to ask for a sign from God and I didn’t mean to ask it or even wanting to ask it. I was talking to myself about something that happened a few months back for when I asked God, my grandmother who’s my guardian angel, and St Therese to help me get over the hunch of scrupulosity and OCD (I’m Catholic). They then gave me a sign in Church to let them know that they heard me and I felt peace, love and excitement then. I have been dealing with something lately that I asked them then to send me a sign if something didn’t happen or occurred, even though I couldn’t picture myself saying that. If anything I would have said the exact opposite to prove what happened or occurred, not to show me a sign if something beautiful didn’t happen. Yet the feeling felt so strong as if I did say that and it kept replaying in my mind over and over again. Going back to in the moment, It just went to my mind and blurted to my mouth about asking a sign from God even though I didn’t mean for it or intended it. I then got a thought thinking that I saw something later this morning thinking that God sent me a sign about something. Well, later this morning while looking at my daily Bible app, I saw something and my mind and feelings said that God sent me that sign. Now I’m flooded with anxiety because I was getting these thoughts before and now they like manifested into reality. It’s like as if God planted those thoughts in my head to tell me what’s coming and what will happen. I’m so angry, anxious and sad. I’m scared now that what I didn’t say is actually something that I said. It’s like God is constantly trying to tell me something and he’s keeping on telling me as if he’s playing a game with me and he won’t do it until I give up and give in. I don’t know what to do. I felt very depressed last night because last night because I couldn’t take this anymore as if God is telling me these things or he revealed me to something. Is this God or OCD that’s doing all this to me? I know it’s a lot but I just need feedback from you guys

I am currently trying to figure out if my relationship anxiety is just anxiety or if it’s ocd. My boyfriend and I are best friends however within last week and the beginning of this week, we’ve had a little bit of arguments. First one being that he bought a “shitty” car without talking to me in the middle of the night (on Facebook marketplace) while i was sleeping. His explanation was that it was a last minute decision and that he couldn’t reach me because I was sleeping and had work the next day. He explained that they guy seeking the car answered him late at night and that he found the opportunity and went for it (his old car was crashed into and was a total loss, so he had been on the lookout for a new one). Long story short I got so upset that he didn’t talk to me first that I told him I wanted to break up! There was some back and forth and I ultimately didn’t really want to even though I was upset. Now, I’m not one to say “it’s over” at the first sight of an inconvenience, but I felt so betrayed and angry that my boyfriend didn’t speak with me before making this decision; we are trying to build and have good communication habits, so it didn’t feel good at all. Another thing was that the other car he owns cannot get rained on because it leaks inside of the car. He told me he couldn’t go over to my house because it was going to rain. Yet, he took the same car with one of our friends to pick up the other car he was buying… IN THE RAIN! Long story short that triggered me into feeling that I wasn’t really important to him. The next story was: On Saturday- we celebrated my birthday as a family and of course my boyfriend was there. We were feeling alright for the most part but I was feeling anxious about my relationship, constantly thinking about the car and worrying if I was with the right person and if he actually cared about me. Monday was my actual birthday, and this is where I feel like it might actually be ocd. He forgot to say happy birthday- first thing in the morning. He started the day off like usual, sent me a good morning text, and started talking about the stuff he needed to get done for the day. I literally told him “did you forget today’s my birthday?” He explained that he didn’t he just forgot to say happy birthday because of the celebration on Saturday. I felt heartbroken, like if I wasn’t important to him. (He’s really a good guy he just has actual memory issues because of a traumatic brain injury that happened to him while in the military). Later on that night in still bummed out feeling like he ruined my day and it was time to sing happy birthday, he was out front with my cousin and the same friend that went with him to pick up the car he bought, one of my other friends tried calling them in. I guess they thought they had more time but because I was so frustrated with my boyfriend, when my friend came in telling me that they were still out front I said “alright whatever let’s just start” My boyfriend got into the house seconds after I had blown my candle. And here I was again feeling unimportant and questioning my relationship. We talked it out and he explained his side of the story and I was understanding of him, he mentioned that he didn’t mean to make me feel bad or sad especially on my birthday. For the most part we are okay now. BUT… I guess after my super LONG explanation I’m trying to figure out if I’m having ocd or not. I think I am because I’ve lost sleep, I haven’t been eating, I keep crying, I also keep asking him “are we going to be okay?” “Do you still love me?”

I broke up with my boyfriend and I’m not sure if it’s because I needed to or if OCD pushed me to it. I have Scrupulosity and ROCD. We had a conversation about how we viewed the Bible and Jesus. I’m not sure if there’s a miscommunication but he made it sound that the Bible was secondary to our Spirit and that Jesus is pedestaled to much and we should be more like him instead. It scared me that the foundation of our belief is unequally yoked and I broke up with him. I woke up this morning and feel terrible. I don’t want to leave him but I also want to make sure I’m following God’s Will. We’ve been dating/talking for four months.

Why isn’t the road to recovery a smooth one, it feels like 2 steps forward and 1 one backward, it’s confusing me and gives me this feeling of hopelessness when ever I backslide to that dark pit again

I know there is something wrong with me. Maybe it’s because of expose at an early age to mature content or maybe it’s undiagnosed hyper sexuality I think I’ve had for a while. Maybe I should unalive before I hurt someone. I’m addicted to fanfiction and my phone and I have been for a long time. I at a very early age knew everything to do with s*x and BDSM and kinks of all nature and nothing ever phased me really. I myself was an online victim of a p* but I led everything, he just never declined. “Vanilla” became boring in a way, a way I now know has led me here. I read fanfiction and things sexual with underage people, I thought oh there’s no harm because is just fiction and not real life and if stuff like that exists on the website and is able to be written maybe i can treat it separately from real life. But what if I am a p* for reading etc? I’m spiralling because I seen the comments under one of those stories and 1/4 were death threats, 1/4 are disgusting comments and the rest were neutral. I suspect I have C-ptsd, autism and adhd which all worked together in a very unhealthy tandem to led me to this. All I can feel is disgust and shame and the desire to end it. I don’t really know why I made this post or what anyone can say really but I’m sorry.

I stopped taking meds about 3 weeks now and i didnt had any problem, and after 3 weeks just randomly a huge setback hitted me. I didnt had this bad setback while i was taking the meds, but before i was taking it, i felt this many times, and im afraid its not just ocd. A huge feeling of i want to cry comes and i cant handle any problem cause it makes me emotional. Im afraid it was a bad idea, i dont even sleeo well... if its really the medication then im scared to start to take again cause its beem 3 weeks now, and also when i started taking it i had really bad side effects. Idk what to think cause many times i didnt took the medication as i should cause i forgot it, i was really bad at it so thats the other reason i stopped, but everytime i stopped taking it for some days, i just noticed a minor setback. Now that i stopped taking it i didnt wanted to give attention to that cause i was afraid and i knew if i do then i will say to every little bad feeling that its because of that and i will be obsessed. So 2 weeks passed and i completely forgot about that and i didnt had any bigger problem, until i just remembered that i dont take it and i feel okay, its just made me happy. Then things got upside down really quick, i started feeling low, i was really negative and slowly i started to be weaker and weaker until i just got where i am now. I do notice i spin in my head alot of times, and i cand decide what is the good thing i should do, even in recovery, i say okay i ignore that feeling now, imediatelly i think "but thats important, if you sweep it it will come back worse, you should deal with it" and many times when these are getting worse i get angry at myself. This night i couldnt sleep well and i was so emotional. My dad said something negative to me that made me spin what should i do, should i move, people say i need to stay away from negative people but i dont want to move to live alone... and this made me feel bad too. Im so emotional right now, and i feel guilt cause im might be here cause i stopped taking medication... and if its that and im like this without meds, then idk how i will ever fully stop it, this is scary... also at night in the mids of the painful feeling and guilt, i had again a sucidal ocd experiment, i learned to not give into it, and i can see the lie, i could see it now too, it just it was so agressive because i wanted the pain to go away but not like that, but still my brain came up with it, i know its ocd im just afraid if this gets worse i will not be able to tell it cause it was still really agressive and strong. I keep thinking "i felt like this before i took medication, that means im back there, i cant do this without meds" and this breaks me...

It feels like I make progress with some obsessions and others gets significantly worse at the same time, so I’m never at peace. I’m spending all this time, money, and energy just for OCD to find another way to keep me on edge.

Nah females who find that your ocd gets worse when you’re on your period how do you handle it? Because I’ve been “reading signs” that the guy I’m totally head over heels for hates me now just because he’s got a lot on his plate right now and he’s not feeling the best mentally, I’ve not changed that to fit the storyline that I’m gonna loose him. I then brought this up to him in a way where I was like I hope that me being away (I’m currently travelling for 3 months) and our thing in general isn’t one of the things plaguing your mind, he then said no it’s not. I then said okay good I just wanna check that we’re still good sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed he said yeah I understand don’t worry, but my brain then goes “why didn’t he say of course I wanna still be with you don’t worry” which then makes me think he hates me. I’m so fucking overwhelmed! Because now also I feel like a horrible gf I’ve been trying to be there for him and I fully know that this all has nothing to do with me he’s got stuff on his mind, and I’ve just gone wait is this because you hate me? When I didn’t mean it like that! And now I wanna apologise and say I’m sorry for how stupid my question was, but I’ve already done that AND NOW I’ve made up that he actually fully hates me and his “it’s okay don’t worry” actually is “stfu you’re annoying me” I CANT WIN!

I’m turning 20 this year. I feel like I have so much limited time of being “young” which I never thought about before this. Growing up is so hard and I don’t know if it’s turning into ocd or not

I literally cannot sleep in my room anymore! I just obsess over getting a kidney stone, or my appendix bursting cuz I have some stomach twinges. Oh, but wait, I might be having a brain aneurysm cuz I have had a headache since noon. Or maybe my gut burst and now I am having stomach pains because I have sepsis! Also, my mom had knee surgery so I, of course, am going to start having knee pain. Now, back to the stomach pains…… and on and on and on! I want to turn it off but it starts screaming in my head- over and over and over again while I try to sleep! What do I do?! I am making myself miserable!

I have contamination OCD and it is difficult to get anyone to understand why I’m afraid to touch certain things. People assume I’m afraid of germs and disease or that I think I or someone else will get sick. This is not true. I’m afraid to touch the things because I just don’t want what it is connected to in my mind to be a part of me or anyone I love.

I used to avoid the Reddit spiral but after making the mistake of looking up comphet last night for the first time in years I am absolutely spiraling. Have spent this whole day googling things in my bed in the dark. Not responding to anyone, not doing anything. I have found more comfort in the bisexual Reddit sub where there are more people criticizing the master doc but as my brain keeps spinning and spinning it feels like it all makes sense. A lot of them don’t understand how someone can be at some point sexually attracted to a man or want to do anything with them and then somehow be lesbian? Like if they didn’t feel forced, i mean. If you were consciously doing it because you were aware you were under pressure then that would make sense, but I feel like that doesn’t apply to me?? Maybe in some ways, like I felt convinced I needed to fit in at school and there was a couple times someone insinsuated i was not straight when I was younger and then like I’d feel the need to prove it with an existing crush like no I think _____ is cute but I don’t recall any of those crushes being formed as a RESULT of that. I just wouldn’t really do anything about my crushes and definitely had some experiences with limerence when I was younger. And even a couple times recently which drove me insane. At the same time me being super horny kind of coincided with the time that I got my iud in?? Maybe that’s the problem?? I don’t know. I also don’t remember fancying any women sexually or noticing it until I got the first same sex dream which is what I believe triggered my SO-OCD. I tend to be much more avoidant in such I would avoid googling things and avoid tv shows with gay characters and stuff like that. I would still check my attraction but now I’m the opposite and constantly googling. I’ve been sitting here all day nonstop. I’m psychoanalyzing every interaction I’ve had with both genders and am like losing it. It felt like I related to too much on the comphet doc and subs for this to not be true. But how can that all be a lie? I just don’t understand. Last night just to ease my cognitive dissonance I said ok fine maybe I’m bi. I’m bi whatever. And that eased a bit of my discomfort. But now 1. I feel like all of my attraction to men is gone now that I apparently confirmed my attraction to women and 2. Now I’m convinced I wouldn’t be bi enough and I’m just a lesbian??? I don’t even know. It never stops. And the thing that triggered me was people talking about how distressing it was for them to realize they didn’t like men. I guess I thought that was an SOOCD thing but nope another thing to worry about. Like how??? It just all feels so damn real and sometimes I feel like I’m just using HOCD to cover up my true desires. Writing this post I feel like I’m just making excuses. But if I swear I’ve felt genuinely sexually attracted to men, maybe not now but in the past and have enjoyed doing things to them, then how can I be a lesbian??? It doesn’t make any sense. I’d honestly be fine if I was bi if that meant my attraction to men was still there. I know it’d end up fine if I was really lesbian but it’s so hard for me to believe that all of that just wasn’t true. I never felt much pleasure through penetrative sex and struggled to get turned on. Like I feel like now at least men’s bodies don’t do it for me and women’s could if I let my mind accept it. In the past I feel like I’d go crazy over vlines and veiny hands like I literally remember looking up veiny hands on my own because I thought they were hot. And there’s things I love about men too but I just don’t know if it’s comphet or what. But I literally have gotten turned on to a man’s body from both solo porn and videos sent to me so what?? I don’t feel disgusted by men, maybe a bit uncomfortable around them but mainly the ones I considered attractive. I know I’ve seen a man and thought wow I’d totally fuck him. But I guess when it comes down to it I don’t enjoy it as much as I think I will?? Maybe I’m asexual, or bi, demi, or graysexual or heteroromantic or whatever. Any of those I’d honestly be fine with. But it’s just the idea of being a lesbian that freaks me out, and I don’t like to think it’s because of internalized homophobia but because this is something I’ve known to be true about myself for so long and something I rarely doubted albeit maybe a few times after crude comments from classmates. But I don’t know. It’s all just wild how different things feel. It feels like my brain is telling me I’m just lying when I was sobbing crying over a man two days ago. Like what?? It brings me nothing but stress and anxiety. I haven’t slept well in days. I’d usually go to bed fantasizing about a man and now I can barely even do it because my brain is telling me it’s not what I want. Ugh.

idk the false attraction feels to powerful, like i can't just let it go or,"observe without judgement" Like i physically cant do that. With false attraction it feels like real physical attraction like it feels super genuine and I hate it. Idk how to describe how I feel but now its like 90 percent of the dudes i see that are attractive dudes. its very hypersensitive thing idk. But it grasp on to that so I cant let it go it sucks. What makes it worse is that i feel no anxiety, no distress and no discomfort it doesnt feel like. Basically it feels like real attraction. and whenever i get to the stage of trying to figuring it out i tend to make my HOCD worse idk im getting weird tingling feelings now and it feels like im gay, this usually happens when im trying to look up stuff, but when this happens it feel so ridiculously real, like I've been convinced of being gay, and now it feels like the thoughts don't give me depression or anxiety or distress now. what sucks is ive been dealing with this for so long, but now it feels genuine and ive become ok with everything, the false attraction, the thoughts and not in the good way.

Whenever I’m out having fun with friends. I feel such shame, guilt, and sadness that I am having fun without my immediate family and start to think about the fact that they won’t be here with me one day. They have difficult lives so I feel guilt that I’m able to have fun while they deal with depression or anxiety. It consumes me to the point where I will want to leave what I’m doing and go home. Even when I am with them sometimes I hyper-fixate on the idea of them passing one day or soon and I become overwhelmed with sadness so I try to do lots of things to tune out those thoughts. Any ideas on how to cope with this?

Does anyone have intrusive thoughts at that are sounds ? I have brought this up numerous times and can’t figure out with this is a compulsion or obsession. Right now it is a siren I repeat in my head for some reason and it’s driving me crazy. Really worried it’s something worse. I just want a clear head.

Hello does anyone struggle to go to sleep at night? feels like my mind is awake all night and wake up exhausted.

TW death, terminal illness I feel like I could be suffering from complex post traumatic stress disorder, specifically due to loss. I just get these waves of sadness, not always physical but like a hole is in my chest and my body is compacting on itself. Sometimes it does come out in the form of crying. Random things trigger it, mostly music, and sometimes it seems like nothing at all has. Death has always been a core part of my life and my childhood. I have a massive family and im one of the youngest, so that means much of my relatives have and will die before me (potentially.) my grandma when I was age 2, great grandparents around 5-6, 2 cousins around age 8, grandpa at age 9, aunt at age 10, other grandpa at age 12, other grandma at age 13, more aunts and uncles age 14-16, and most recently, my uncle who I was very close with died when I was 18 a year ago. They’ve all died from rather horrific causes, glioblastoma, birth defect, cancer, dementia. Cancer is the biggest. I just feel like im always anticipating the next soul shattering loss. Will it be my mom or dad? My cousin? A baby cousin? My aunt and 2nd mother figure? I feel surrounded by death. I think this is why I have such intense, spontaneous waves of depression. I feel it right now as im typing this. I think writing it out is helping.

I l’m getting an ultra sound of my stomach tomorrow for a “pain” I’ve been having. I have health OCD and as you can imagine, my anxiety is through the roof. I just can’t stop thinking that something is deathly wrong with me. The results won’t be back until Monday and I just don’t know how I’m going to survive any of this. 😭

Is accepting the thoughts but trying no to get scared by them even if they are scary and cause me anxiety a compulsion? Like I m accepting them but I m trying no to be scared of them so I don’t get the anxiety but I still get the anxiety